absent dad should i let him see his daughter

Stacey - posted on 04/04/2012 ( 178 moms have responded )

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My daughter is nearly 15 months old on 23.4.12 and her (father) has seen her 4 times in her life the last time he seen her was Jan 04 2012. He also refused to give her anything on her 1st birthday didnt even tx or call to say happy birthday to her. when he refused to give her something or come and see her for her bday i thought forget him. and we had no contact since apart from 2 phone calls 1 weeks ago and 1 today this is why im writin this.he says he whats to see her. i said u cant just come in and out of her life when is suits you. i told him if he can guarantee me a least once a month on that same date each month then he can. see her. he just went quite on the phone. So basically he cant with that silent answer.

He said he will see her when ever he can. what does that mean kmt. he has only seen her 4 times since she was born. i really dont no what i should do for the best. But him coming and going when he pleases is not on and not fare to my daughter.she deserve better than that. he gets me so mad. always chatting the same shit. i want her to know her dad but i dont think it would be good for her.For him to mess her about i know she only 1 but he aint be there and if he like this now what would he be like in the future as she grows up and he lets her down. i just cant see a future for her getting to no him. what do i do? any comments thanks

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Robyn - posted on 04/06/2012

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Hi, I didn't fully read all of the posts and I don't agree with a lot of what I actually have read. Stacey you have a girl child, not a boy. What rights the father has versus what's right for the child do not always agree. If he feels strongly that you're not within his rights then he has the choice to take you to court. Which means he will have to pay child support and he will have to abide by specified visitation rules.



I saw a bunch of posts from people saying it's ok, but they have boys. It is different for a man to be in and out of her life than it would be for a boy. I also have a girl so I know where you are coming from. Her dad was seen few times in the first 2 years. I had the same talk you did, "you don't get to come in and out, you're either in or you're out."



The ladies I have talked to that come from single mom homes and have had little interaction with their dads have told me how it messes with them. We have to teach our growing ladies what to expect of men (and people in general) and that begins with the relationship with the father. Father-daughter relationships are important and create the foundation for our daughters to understand human relations.



However, Stacey, men grow up slower. While we are pregnant we grow with our child, they do not. So, all of that to say, give him a chance to be consistent. But know that you're doing what's best for your daughter by expecting him to become consistent and to do the right thing. It's not your job to raise him too. And it may take awhile for him to get it. If he isn't ready now, you can let him know you're available to talk when he is ready.



My daughter is 3 now, and for the past six months has had a very consistent and wonderful relationship with her dad because I gave him a chance to be consistent. But I promise you I kept my foot down and he understood before he was allowed to see her that he was low on chances.

Amber - posted on 04/06/2012

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Lorraine,

not all men are alike!! my 3rd husband is an amazing father to my son and also my sons father is an amazing dad he is very involved in my sons life and is a caring and devoted father, i have also known many other guys who are there for their children even though they are not with the mother. i am sorry you have had bad experiences that have jaded your opinion of men! perhaps you should look for a different type of guy. as far as this situation i can really understand the concern for your daughter she needs a good strong constant male role model in her life but it doesn't mean you should cut her father out completely, the suggestions of not telling your daughter when her dad is coming and letting it be a surprise is really good as well as maybe suggest him taking a parenting class so he knows how to take care of a young child so he would be willing to see her more often too would be good! i wish you the best of luck on this situation!

God Bless

Crystal - posted on 04/06/2012

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The last time I saw him I told him he needed to contact an organisation for supervised visitations. The only problem is the court papers indicate that he has unsupervised visitation. I told him I would not deal with him and I wanted a third party to be involved. Thanks for you reply :-)

Lelabelle - posted on 04/06/2012

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Lorraine, it's a real shame you believe that all men are alike and that they are scum. I am married to a wonderful man who just happened to have a daughter from a previous marriage. He did everything possible to spend as much time as possible with his daughter. We lived 2 hours away, but it never stopped him from going to anything she invited us to, even during the week (that's 4 hours on the road, not including time at the activity). His daughter never doubted her father's devotion to her. Sometimes it's the mother that is a rotten egg. My husband's ex used to dump her kid on her mother. Most times we would go to pick up his daughter, we had to play a guessing game on where they were. We would have to ask for shoes and clothes as many times she would give us the child in nothing but a bathing suit. We would go to drop her off and would have to wait in the parking lot for at least an hour with the poor child crying 'cause her mom wasn't there. It broke our hearts. We never spoke ill of her mother in front of his daughter tho. Kids are smart, they can figure it out for themselves.



That being said, Stacey, let the father see his child. I would make it supervised and in public. As the one lady said, don't tell your child, let it be a surprise, so there is no disappointment if he doesn't show.

Donna - posted on 04/05/2012

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Get a counseling group involved. Let him have supervised visitations. That way they can document what is going on. Second, put a voice recorder on your phone so you can record the conversations. Many men are afraid of small babies. They think they are going to hurt them or something. Insist that he take a parenting class and if he doesn't then you have your answer. You can get a court to order it. Some times it can be very important to have a father in a childs life but I have seen what that can do. I let my daughter attempt to see her father. He set times and never showed, never called and when he did it was always a fight. As she got older she would sit on the porch or stand by the door and wait for him. This was not the best way but aleast he did the damage and I didn't keep him from her. When I stated raising my step grand-son,not I made a promise to myself that rules would be set, times would be kept and if that could not be done then there would be no showing up at thier will or calling when ever they wished to do so, therefore upsetting this child. I made other arrangements and if they came I didn't stand in thier way. They didn;t meet the times to return or pick up or places he could go or people he could be around then they lost. My grandson blamed me for a while but when he grew up he started trying to have contact with both his parents himself and then he saw for himself that they neither one should have been parents.One was a drunk and the mother was to worried about who she was seeing or sleeping with or things like it was all about her. He has since seen it happening to his own children now. The great grand babies no who loves them and who cares for them.They no who they can depend on and who they can't. He and his wife were told that it was all me but they have since learned in the past 6 years that it was all about the parents and not about the kids. They were and after thought themselves and now the babies are the after thought. So give him the chance if you think he is willing. If he isn't best leave well enough alone and if he wants to see her let him go before a judge and her what the judge has to say to him/. Things like where were you in the past. What did you provide for this child? Have you attended parenting classes. Do you have other children/ These are question you to should ask yourself. If there are no good answers then take up with a grand parent or uncle who loves this child as if it was thier own and kick him to the curb.

Crystal - posted on 04/05/2012

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I understand its frustrating, the biological father decided he wanted to be a part of her life after 8 years so he took me to court and the court granted equal rights.(please make sure if you go to court you have a laywer I did not) The last two years he will call when child support is drafted out of his account wich was two times last year for 200.00 total. Or he stops by my house when my husband is not home and starts drama about how I am not being fair and threatens to take me to court even though I have not heard from him for months. He never asks to see her he only makes threats and let's me know how horable of a human being I am. his last stop was a month aggo hopefully I will not hear from him for a couple months or even better a couple years. Nothing has been drafteted since november 2011. The kicker is my daughter wants nothing to do with him. My husband has been her father for almost he entire life and she said that is her dad

Isobel - posted on 04/05/2012

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All men are not alike. My boyfriend now has a far higher level of commitment to my children than their biological father.



Anyhoo...on the subject of letting him come and go as he pleases...the only thing you can do to stop that is to deny visitation. IMHO, if he wants to stop in and take them to McDonald's once every 3 months that is still better than nothing.



Now...on the subject of your child being disappointed, it didn't take me very long to decide never to tell my kids when their father said he was going to come, cause they were always devistated when he didn't show. Let it always be a surprise for them and they'll never be disappointed.



I tell my kids that their father loves them very much and is just REALLY busy and that he's sad he can't be with them when in truth he's a lazy douchebag who can't be bothered. Who would be hurt if I let them know the truth? not him.

Jenifer - posted on 04/05/2012

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it sounds like you just want consistency not that you are keeping her from him...if i was in that situation i would say to him that you want him to be in her life but not only when it is convienent for him...take it court!

Lorraine - posted on 04/05/2012

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This is such a complicated situation, and honestly there's no right or wrong way of dealing with it...but one thing is clear...ALL MEN ARE ALIKE!!!! I had arranged with him to see the daughter so many times and he always stood us up, like he'd just stop answering his phone or replying to my text, so I come to my own conclusions and decide what's best for my daughter. One thing I'm doing though is start a file with all our conversations so that when my daughter is old enough she can see that I did try my best and he's the one that made the choice to stay out of her life. Also, OF COURSE u have to grin and bear it and be there when he decides to come and see ur daughter, no matter how much u might want to just punch him in the face, haha. And NEVER leave him alone with her! I have a fear now that if I ever let my ex be alone with my daughter, he might just run away with her...he DID leave me while I was barely 3 months pregnant, and he knew we had a high risk pregnancy...who's to say what he's really capable of!?

Stacey - posted on 04/05/2012

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i would never stop my daughter seeing her dad i know she needs him but i can stop him from coming and going as he pleases. i dout it very much he would take me to court. i just think when she's old enough if she wants to see him then she can. And because she dont no him how would he get a chance to see her without me being there. WE have arranged something for end of the month. lets just see if he turns up. i really dont want to speand no time with him at all so what do i do. say for a few hours then leave them or just make him have a few hours with him. not sure how to go about it

Lorraine - posted on 04/05/2012

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But at the same time, if he's really decided to stay out of our daughter's life, he must just tell me and it must be forever...and I want it in writing! Cos I don't want to always wonder if he's one day going to show up out of the blue, promise her things, confuse her and leave again.

Lorraine - posted on 04/05/2012

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That's what I've decided also. I'm no longer going to try make him do something he doesn't want to do. It doesn't look like he's going to do anything in any case, so I'll just leave him to it.

Stacey - posted on 04/05/2012

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hi lorraine that is the same way i feel about him. he even says to me im pressuring him about his daughter. have you ever herd something so silly. i just think if they dont wanna take know just leave them to it.

Lorraine - posted on 04/05/2012

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I was just saying that personally, when I tell him all the things that I want him to experience with our daughter that he's missing out on, trying to encourage him, I end up feeling like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to. My reply is purely personal, it's how I feel about my situation.

Isobel - posted on 04/05/2012

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I said it should be fostered and encouraged, not forced. And unless the father is abusive to the child, it should.

Lorraine - posted on 04/05/2012

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What happens if you've tried to get the dad, who left when you were 3 months pregnant, told him when the baby was born (now 3 months old) and still he does not support the child, to get involved in the child's life, but he still hasn't said or done anything? I think as much as we as mothers shouldn't deny a relationship between the kids and their fathers, we have the right to protect them from an unstable person who will only feature in their lives when it suits him or not feature at all! We as mothers cannot want for the fathers to be there for their children more than they want to! And we shouldn't have to force something that should come naturally to them if they obviously don't want to. I had a bad relationship with my daughter's father; he cheated on me and I kept forgiving him, and at the last minute when I was just 3 months pregnant he left. But I, being the sensible one, forgave him and tried to keep him involved throughout my pregnancy until the day I gave birth, while he went to stay with another woman and continued with his merry life. Our daughter is now 3 months old and he hasn't come to see her, nor does her support in her upbringing at all. What he's done instead is go quiet on me until I feel so bad/mad that I initiate contact between us and ALWAYS end up with the same story about how sorry he is, he made a mistake, he wants to come back and he'll send some money tomorrow for the baby...but NEVER does! How can I, as a mother, allow a person like that to come into my child's life and continue to disappoint her and I'm left to pick up the pieces? I say to hell with him! If one day my daughter wants to see him, I won't stop her...and it's going to take that first, one, only and last time for him to show his true colours to her for her to decide that she's better off without him. I loved him, and possibly still do...but his lies and empty promises hurt and break my heart...what more an innocent little child? He's done the same thing to a woman he has a 10 year old with, she and I are friends now, and talking to her and learning that he's never done anything for his daughter, and the daughter even knows that her dad will say he'll do stuff but doesn't, then the mom is the one left to make the pain go away...that just makes it more clear to me that this guy doesn't deserve the title of a father...he's just like a sperm donor!

Isobel - posted on 04/04/2012

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If I were you I would tell him he can see his daughter as often as he wants but that doesn't include time with you. I bet he doesn't bother if he can't hang out with you too...taking care of a baby is too much work for that type of guy ;)

[deleted account]

No, 2-3 times/year is not good enough. Quite frankly... I think my ex is a pathetic loser and I wish he would step up and be a real man to his first 3 kids (has a new baby now).... instead of a man that is 'relying' on his 10 year olds to be the ones to call him.... so he's only called his kids once in 2012.



I desperately wish my kids had better, but I really only have myself to blame for making 3 babies w/ this man (he WAS an excellent Daddy when the girls were little though). It wouldn't be fair to punish my kids any further by completely taking away their Daddy just cuz I was stupid enough to get involved w/ him.



Please don't think I am saying YOU are stupid, but in my case.... marrying my ex was the biggest mistake of my life. Since I got 3 amazing kids out of the deal, it's not a mistake I will ever regret, but.... yeah.

Jodi - posted on 04/04/2012

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Yes, we do have to deal with it. But ultimately, he IS her father and he has a legal right to see her and she has a right to get to know him, regardless of how you feel about it. If he decided to take you to court, he would be granted visitation, and rightly so. It's not up to you to "give" him the chance.

Stacey - posted on 04/04/2012

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i will tell my daughter about her dad ive never intended to keep that from her cos that be be so wrong of me and she would never forgive me. i know it not about me its about my daughter. but i just dont want him telling her empty promises that he knows he couldnt keep and its use mum who have to deal with absent fathers behaviour. when they let the kids down. but i will give him a chance to get to no his daughter. when he feels like it but it aint right. when he feels like it.

Jodi - posted on 04/04/2012

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I will add, I have a relative by marriage whose son never knew his real dad. When he got older, he was pretty damn angry that he was denied the opportunity to get to know his father. It has affected his life in a pretty big way. My advice is not to go there.

Jodi - posted on 04/04/2012

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It's not about how we feel deep down. My son has only seen his dad twice in the last 12 months. How I feel is irrelevant. Personally, I think that is a pathetic effort. But my son is entitled to a relationship with his father. Yes, he is older (14), but what gives me the right to dictate his relationship with his dad? He isn't getting abused. He has a right to a relationship with his dad. How I feel, or what I want isn't relevant.

Stacey - posted on 04/04/2012

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teresa but deep down do u think in your case 2-3 times a year is good enough i know in time they can make the own mind up about there dad i would want more than that for my daughter but i no 2-3 times a year is pushing it with him. these men shouldnt be able to get away with it not taking care of the kids. it make me so sad and mad.

Stacey - posted on 04/04/2012

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Thanks and yes its true what u say. I just hate the way he goes on. i have four older kids the youngest 12 then my baby 1 she has he own father. the dad of my four kids is like the babys dad he looks after her.like she is his own. he is very good with her we both wish she was his. i know u could say im being selfish. but what if he treats her diffrent cos he knows she has see her real dad? confused. all my 4 kids are to 1 man. apart from baby. i just hate how men can get away with not being there for the kids. i never had this before in my life me and my 4 kids dad was together 4 a long time and he sees his kids everyday even when we was not together. we are trying again. i took your advise cos i know it true sometimes you need some1 to tell you. i tx him and said we can arrange something for end of month for him to see his daughter. he said ok. if he lets he down then what i will just have to wait and see. he said can i come to your house no u cant come to my house. we will take her out for the day. then he wants to spend the night with us both i dont think so. we do not live in same city. should i just leave them together after are day together or me and baby go home at the end of the day. or do i let her stay with him. i no he will act diffrent if i say im not stopping with him but whats the point in that. all this is doin my head in

Isobel - posted on 04/04/2012

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I don't care what rights the father has...the DAUGHTER has a right to know her father. In whatever limited way possible, that relationship should be fostered and encouraged.

[deleted account]

Of course you should let him see her. That's her father.



My son (third child) saw his father one time (for about 30 minutes) between 2 and 17 months.... until we went to court for visitation. By the time my son was 2.75 years old he had been in the presence of his father (including when he was a newborn) for a grand total of less than 150 hours... My son is 4 and now only sees his father 2-3 times/year, but he loves his Daddy very much and can tell you stories from visitations over a year ago.



Unless the man is a physical danger to her.... she has a right to a relationship w/ him. Trust me... if he is uninvolved she will figure it all out on her own. My kids love their Dad like crazy, but he isn't a 'real' part of their lives. They know and accept that, but that's still their Daddy and they love whatever time they DO get w/ him. I couldn't bear to be the one to take that away from them.



If he were to take you to court.... he'd get visitations anyway, so it's best if the two of you can work out some kind of arrangement. He might not show for all (or even most) of the visitations, but your daughter can still bond to him and at least she'll know she matters SOME. If you are the one to keep him away from her.... you might end up the bad guy in her eyes and he might end up the 'hero'.



That's my take on it all, at least. Take it or leave it.

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