abusive partner

Jeanette - posted on 02/05/2010

First of all, if you feel that this man is capable of harming your child in any way, you need to find the strengh and courage to LEAVE A.S.A.P. do it for your self and for your precious baby that god has blessed you with!! Try to get help from friends and or family or seek help from shelters or public assistance, what ever means neccessary!!!

Donna - posted on 02/05/2010

Get out now! I lived with a Father that was an alcoholic and an abuser. We lived in fear for years, due to the arguments, and the beatings my Mother endured. It wasn't until he tried to execute killing my Mom, myself and my brother that my Mom left him (in an ambulance and spent 2 weeks in the hospital with her jaw wired shut) It never gets better, it only gets worse and I am 56 years old and remember the beatings and verbal abuse and fear...like it was yesterday. Spare your son this terrible life with an abusive Father. Prayers are with you and lots of well wishes.

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2010

Do you have any family or friends to go to? To stay with (and also for protection).. do other people in your life know this is happening to you? I understand why you would stay.. fear. I would be so scared to and I cannot imagine the fear you have. You need to leave. NOW! He has had many chances and its time to get out for the safety of you and your child and get in with some close people. You need to get a restraining order on him so the courts are aware of his behavior. Do not sit in fear anymore, I know its scary. The name calling is enough and to top it off with the physical.. please leave him and get somewhere safe from him even if it a shelter for a bit for abused women, please do so. I know its scary.. but its scarier to think how this will eventually effect your son.. and you are VERY WISE to never ever leave your son alone with this man. Sure he may admit it (first step) but now he needs to get help for his behavior.. I hope you leave.. if you step out you will be amazed at the people who are willing to shelter you and help you.. I pray for protection and courage over you and your baby. You are gonna make it.. you really will.

Amanda - posted on 02/05/2010

I have to say...GET OUT NOW!!! Document everything and do report with the police!!!! I had a chance to do that and choose not to because I had "hope" that things would change and wanted so badly to give him the benefit of the doubt!!! Just 3 days after I had an awesome chance to get an OFP, the tables turned.

He was following me around the house harrassing me emotionally like he usually did, and even got physical a couple times that day. I just continued on packing the diaper bag to leave the house! When I was ready to leave the house with the kids, he came towards me one last time and to prevent him from grabbing me again, I kicked him on the outside of his thigh....just to let him know that I wasn't taking it anymore.....he was then the one that called the cops and they arrested me!!! Nothing happened to him....I spent 48 hours in jail and he got nothing.....and the worst part of all that is.....HE GOT CUSTODY OF THE BABY!!! So now the little boy is growning up with him and I have little to no contact.

I can't say more.....He's not going to change....save yourself and your childs well being....quit giving him the benefit of the doubt and run fast out the door!!!

Kelli - posted on 02/05/2010

I was in the same situation 10 years ago. Only I left him when I was pregnant. He said when I left that if he couldnt have me them he didnt want the baby either. I had no contact with him until after I had my son. I received custody papers 2 weeks after he was born. When we went to court my lawyer said I could request supervied visits. The judge agreed just because I said I was abused I had no proof either. Over an 8 month period 1 day a week for 1 hour we met @ a facility that handled visitation. I never had to see him they brought him to his father and then stayed and watched. You have every right to ask for this. He was also ordered to take anger management and parenting classes which he refused and within that 8 month visitation period he decided he didnt want to be told what to do and has not seen my son in over 9 years. It is a very grueling process but dont hesitate going to court. You son will be better not having him see the abuse because he could grow up and think it is OK to treat woman and you that way. Do whatever you can to prevent it. Best of luck!!

Heather - posted on 02/05/2010

(in response to Shelby Blakely's comment from 1/4/10 11:54 pm)

Really SHOOT HIM??? I do NOT think that is any type of advise...if she were to get a gun the chances of it being turned on her is higher then her using it on him...she'd be looking at the time in jail away from her baby if she were to do that..BADBADBAD advise...she CAN get away without choosing violence herself!! I DID & so have SOOO many other women without using violence....you need a PLAN & help from others that you can trust- if she is not sure if she can "trust" anyone turning to a womans shelter would be the best thing...





re: my situation mentioned hours ago...advise i got from the sheriff that responded to the call & filed the report was that if this was to happen again...if I could call "911" I wouldn't even have to say anything just leaving the line open to them they would have a car respond...then they would be your witness & those calls are recorded..if you do not have "911" in your area putting the local police emergency number on speed dial would also be a good idea...they can prob trace the call & send help also without you having to let him know that you have contacted the authorities...GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

Tracy - posted on 02/05/2010

Angela:I went through alot of the same things with my ex. The verbal, physical and mental abuse. When our daughter turned a year old, he threatened to shoot me if I came home. The look in his eyes at that time told me that he was not just running his mouth. I left him and stayed with my girlfriend and her husband. It was three months before he found out where I was. That gave me time to go file for FULL PHYSICAL custody of my daughter.

You need to file a restraining order, file for custody, and demand that his visitation ( IF he is granted visitation ) be supervised and he is NOT to be left alone with your child. The courts should honor your request.

I had mine set up that he was only to see my daughter every other Wed from 5-7pm SUPERVISED and one weekend a month. But she had to stay at her Aunts home and ALL visits were supervised by her. My daughter is now 20 but that court order held up until she turned 18.

Think of your child. If he can hurt you, he could hurt that child. Your child depends on you to protect him.

Tracy - posted on 02/05/2010

Angela:I went through alot of the same things with my ex. The verbal, physical and mental abuse. When our daughter turned a year old, he threatened to shoot me if I came home. The look in his eyes at that time told me that he was not just running his mouth. I left him and stayed with my girlfriend and her husband. It was three months before he found out where I was. That gave me time to go file for FULL PHYSICAL custody of my daughter.

You need to file a restraining order, file for custody, and demand that his visitation ( IF he is granted visitation ) be supervised and he is NOT to be left alone with your child. The courts should honor your request.

I had mine set up that he was only to see my daughter every other Wed from 5-7pm SUPERVISED and one weekend a month. But she had to stay at her Aunts home and ALL visits were supervised by her. My daughter is now 20 but that court order held up until she turned 18.

Think of your child. If he can hurt you, he could hurt that child. Your child depends on you to protect him.

Tracy - posted on 02/05/2010

Hi Angela. Have been where you are and I was with my ex for 18 years. He was extremely controlling and was always keeping tabs on me, would ring me 7-8 times a day while I was working, made sure I was home before he was in the evening, called me names constantly. Took all confidence away. He got alot worse when he was drunk, which was alot of the time. It took three years to pluck up the courage to leave him. My son was six when we split and he witnessed so much. The final straw came on Christmas eve just over three years ago when he gave me a black eye in frot of our son. I kicked him out that night and his mum picked him up. He did move back three days later and moved out again in February for good after he kicked me in the ribs and popped the muscle and rib out of joint. Was the most painful thing.... Please leave him. i know it is easier said than done hun, and nobody can actually tell you because you will not listen and think things will get better. You will know when time is right. As my friend said to me, one day you will snap and say no more... I did, and things have been tough. but I have never been happier than I am now. Your son will start to think that it is ok to behave the same way as his dad. Mine did, and he was hitting kids at school. When we broke up he calmed down. Kids are so badly affected hun. If you need me, email me on tobieseward@hotmail.co.uk xxx

Christy - posted on 02/05/2010

I see you have a lot of replies on this. I have worked as a program aide for domestic violence shelter and have been where you are at. I hope you are able to read this one. You do need in contact with your local domestic violence agency or call the national domestic violence hotline. They will help you get a plan of action together. You need a plan first of all. Whether or not, you are staying or going. You need to put money aside if you can. Maybe have emergency clothes if you can. When you call them, tell them of your fears for not only yourself but your son. They will probably advice you to call the police the next time he hits you so you can have it on record if you are fearing for your son. However, it may not help with custody in spite of your fears, if he hasn't hit your son, they still may give him unsupervised visits,but you do need record of the physical abuse if you can get it. Of course you and your son's safety is the biggest concern, so you do whatever you feel is the safest course of action. If he hasn't threatened your life, I would try to file a report and get a civil protection order against him. Of course, you must already have had your mind made up that you are leaving him. Though he may not be abusing your son directly, he is abusing him indirectly. 1 in 2 children who see abuse will grow up to be abusive or abused, so keep that in mind as you stay that your son is already involved in abuse. You need to know that you are a mother and that in itself makes you a worthwhile person. You need to know you don't deserve this and removing yourself from it is alright. yes, he may become more abusive as you leave, too. Abuse is about power and control and he may step up his tricks once you leave. You need support. Filing a police report will get you your evidience,but not your support so please get in contact with a dv agency or call the national hotline. I will also keep you in my prayers.

Christina - posted on 02/05/2010

Please look within. Abuse takes two - one to dish it out and another to receive it/accept it/live with it - OR NOT. This is your choice. I understand that forgiveness plays a part - and there are always many many complicated factors to consider - but the abuse of one human being by another is not an OK thing. You have to find the boundary within yourself and be willing to hold that boundary for your own and your child's sake. Love to you.

Christina - posted on 02/05/2010

Please look within. Abuse takes two - one to dish it out and another to receive it/accept it/live with it - OR NOT. This is your choice. I understand that forgiveness plays a part - and there are always many many complicated factors to consider - but the abuse of one human being by another is not an OK thing. You have to find the boundary within yourself and be willing to hold that boundary for your own and your child's sake. Love to you.

Poppy - posted on 02/05/2010

I was in a domestic violence relationship for 7 years and it was only the birth of my daughter that has saved me from that hell. she was suffering as much as me. my ex tryed to kill me 3 times, I wouldn't leave the house and his family were just as abusive and violent towards me. for your son and your sake get out. I just turned up at my mums and refused to leave when my daughter was about the same age after I ended the relationship but he would not leave us alone. I am happy to talk anytime as I comepleatly understand, and feel for you but please get help. womens aid were a great help for me.

Rachel - posted on 02/04/2010

yes in any circumstances were there is violence in the relationship, and you have concerns about your child being alone with there father you can arrange with social services or a family support worker for your child to have supervised visits from his father, you dont even need to see him. They can arrange for him to meet in a contact centre, i know this because social services were told that my partner beat me and my daughter and step daughter which wasnt true, it was some one we fell out with that wanted to cause grief for us and it worked i had to move out with my lil girl to my grandmothers house and my partner wasnt aloud unsupervised visits to our lil girl. You should get out now there is refuges around that you can goto, and he wouldnt know where you are, you can goto social services or even your local council and ask them to rehome you, let them no about the violence (physical and emotional), i dont know what he is like as i dont know him but you dont want to end up being one of these that get killed by your partner its not fair on you or your child. You child may not see everyting BUT he can sence things and this could have a massive effect on him whilest growing up, i hope this helps and that you get the help that you need, remember theres only YOU that can change your situation, xx

Hazel - posted on 02/04/2010

My dad was physically and emotionally abusive towards my mum - she left him when I was around 2 or 3 and my brother two years older than I. Maybe she thought she got out of the relationship in time but it was already too late for my brother in the sense the negativity had already surrounded him and engulfed him. He ended up being a violent person towards women too - beating me and a daily basis, breaking my mums ribs, hurting girlf's and eventually we had to have him removed from the home by the police after an attempt to kill us.



If you cannot do it for yourself then do it for your son because believe me things will just get worse.

Priya - posted on 02/04/2010

Take Care of yourself and your baby. And also keen and concerned to know about advices you have come across after posting this. I feel i would help me too in understanding such situation more. Thanks.

Rebecca - posted on 02/04/2010

Hi there, I was in a similar situation to you. 3 months after our daughter was born was the 1st instance of domestic violence for me, was shocked and devastated, he had never been physical with me before, verbally abusive though. He basically shoved me so hard into a door that I bounced off into a chest of drawers. I thought to myself it will get better he will change, he changed jobs etc but always found ways to justify his actions. I too never went to police until the last time he touched me slamminge into a tiled floor in front of our girls who screamed. I suddenly realized that by staying with him in the eyes of my girls I was giving him permission to hurt me by taking it. Over the 6 years we were together he punched me, choked me, shoved and broke many things, mobile phones, punched walls, doors etc. It takes everything to walk away but I did even though in my mind I still cared for him and still do. What made me wake up was our girls seeing, I thought to myself I don't want them to think this is normal behaviour. In the end he didn't care that was in front of them. I was the b**ch that left him and all my fault, broke up family blah blah. You are a victim of domestic violence get out now. Seriously if you fear for your safety and your sons make sure you take out an intervention order, police can't help you if they don't know. Where I live you now can have a violent partner removed from your home by police, this was not the case when I left and I moved my girls and I out of our home.



I was sp scared when I left bit there are so many places to help you if you don't have support of friends and family. It's something that strips you of all your dignity and makes you feel worthless. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your son. He has a courageous mummy/mommy that has made it this far. It has now been 14 mths for me and will be a long time still to mentally recover but I'm doing it and taking it day to day. My ex sees our kids but is not allowed in our home, this is our safe place. You need to find yours. My thoughts are with you message me anytime.

Rebecca - posted on 02/04/2010

Hi there, I was in a similar situation to you. 3 months after our daughter was born was the 1st instance of domestic violence for me, was shocked and devastated, he had never been physical with me before, verbally abusive though. He basically shoved me so hard into a door that I bounced off into a chest of drawers. I thought to myself it will get better he will change, he changed jobs etc but always found ways to justify his actions. I too never went to police until the last time he touched me slamminge into a tiled floor in front of our girls who screamed. I suddenly realized that by staying with him in the eyes of my girls I was giving him permission to hurt me by taking it. Over the 6 years we were together he punched me, choked me, shoved and broke many things, mobile phones, punched walls, doors etc. It takes everything to walk away but I did even though in my mind I still cared for him and still do. What made me wake up was our girls seeing, I thought to myself I don't want them to think this is normal behaviour. In the end he didn't care that was in front of them. I was the b**ch that left him and all my fault, broke up family blah blah. You are a victim of domestic violence get out now. Seriously if you fear for your safety and your sons make sure you take out an intervention order, police can't help you if they don't know. Where I live you now can have a violent partner removed from your home by police, this was not the case when I left and I moved my girls and I out of our home.



I was sp scared when I left bit there are so many places to help you if you don't have support of friends and family. It's something that strips you of all your dignity and makes you feel worthless. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your son. He has a courageous mummy/mommy that has made it this far. It has now been 14 mths for me and will be a long time still to mentally recover but I'm doing it and taking it day to day. My ex sees our kids but is not allowed in our home, this is our safe place. You need to find yours. My thoughts are with you message me anytime.

Rebecca - posted on 02/04/2010

Hi there, I was in a similar situation to you. 3 months after our daughter was born was the 1st instance of domestic violence for me, was shocked and devastated, he had never been physical with me before, verbally abusive though. He basically shoved me so hard into a door that I bounced off into a chest of drawers. I thought to myself it will get better he will change, he changed jobs etc but always found ways to justify his actions. I too never went to police until the last time he touched me slamminge into a tiled floor in front of our girls who screamed. I suddenly realized that by staying with him in the eyes of my girls I was giving him permission to hurt me by taking it. Over the 6 years we were together he punched me, choked me, shoved and broke many things, mobile phones, punched walls, doors etc. It takes everything to walk away but I did even though in my mind I still cared for him and still do. What made me wake up was our girls seeing, I thought to myself I don't want them to think this is normal behaviour. In the end he didn't care that was in front of them. I was the b**ch that left him and all my fault, broke up family blah blah. You are a victim of domestic violence get out now. Seriously if you fear for your safety and your sons make sure you take out an intervention order, police can't help you if they don't know. Where I live you now can have a violent partner removed from your home by police, this was not the case when I left and I moved my girls and I out of our home.



I was sp scared when I left bit there are so many places to help you if you don't have support of friends and family. It's something that strips you of all your dignity and makes you feel worthless. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your son. He has a courageous mummy/mommy that has made it this far. It has now been 14 mths for me and will be a long time still to mentally recover but I'm doing it and taking it day to day. My ex sees our kids but is not allowed in our home, this is our safe place. You need to find yours. My thoughts are with you message me anytime.

Sherry - posted on 02/04/2010

I noticed someone on here gave the advice of getting a gun and firing into his chest while sleeping. Bad idea and very bad advise! That is considered muder. Who would rise your son if you went to prision. get out and get help is the best advice you can get. He will not be able to find you in a womens shelter since your idenity and location will be protected there by the police and the courts .

Heather - posted on 02/04/2010

I was in an abusive marriage that ended when my son was a little over 2...he was verbally, physically & mentally abusive to me & my older son, his stepson (starting at age 5-7yrs) I thought I had to stay because my parents were never divorced and I wanted my children to grow up with their parents staying married....I finally had enough of being hit, hair pulled,called names, spit on etc....I started standing up to him when he called me names I called him them back...my breaking point was when he beat me up infront or my children, my friend and her small daughter....I let him come back after he promised counseling...he did it again while I was holding or youngest son (just over 2 yrs old) and got 12 months in jail for repeat domestic violence....I never looked back...he was abused growing up and I did not want my boys to grow up in the environment and in return do it to some undeserving girl later in life.... I got out it was the best thing I could have done!! he was made to take parenting classes while in jail & after his release he had supervised visitation then it progressed to visitation at a trusted family members house. The visitation order has to state the spacifics that YOU want not him. You can specify that you DO NOT want him to be left alone with your son...talk to an attorney, figure out where to go from there....there are so many resources available to women in your situation....get the police involved if you have to then it will be him that has to leave the home not you & your son if you reside together....get a protection order....TALK TO AN ATTORNEY to have custody established....you do not need to or deserve to be treated like this and your son does not need to be witness to it....it is a vicious cycle that will keep repeating unless you get out....Be safe!!

I vowed off men & was determined to raise my boys alone and GOD brought the best guy into my life....almost 7 yrs later and another son & daughter and I wonder what ever made me think that I had to stay in the hell I was in before!! You can to get out & find happiness that you deserve even when not looking...Good luck to you!!

Laura - posted on 02/04/2010

fortunately, courts will look out for mom and child over daddy... document.everything.. even if you do a restratining order, its just paper.. you need to leave the house.. without him knowing where ur giong.. set aside money if you havent already.. you need to go somewhere that he cant find you. out of city shelter or friend he doesnt know where they live.. get out

MAUREEN - posted on 02/04/2010

PS ANGIE, MY OLDEST DAUGHTER IS 34 AND HER HUSBAND IS IN PRISON FOR TRYING TO CHOKE HER TO DEATH. HE BEAT HER FOR 15 YEARS ON A DAILY THINGT...MY 29 YEAROLD HAS BEEN MARRIED 2 TIMES BOTH TO ABUSIVE MEN, WHY DO YOU THINK.....THEY MIMIK US...LIKE I SAID IM GREAT now but i should have left when the children were tiny, but in the early 70s there wasnt anything around, i dont care what anyone else says if they have not been thru it, they have no ideaGET OUT WHILE YOUR ALIVE AND CAN WALK AND HOLD YOUR HEAD UP DONT LISTEN TO HIS SO CALLED PROMISES ITS ALL A LIE. GO AWAY FROM HIM PLEASE...FOR U AND YOUR CHILDREN CALL A SHELTERS FOR WOMEN THEY HAVE COUNCELORS GO FOR IT!!!!!MAUREEN

MAUREEN - posted on 02/04/2010

ANGELA...PLEASE LEAVE HIM ,I LIVED IN HORROR FOR 20 YEARS. BEEN SHOT AT , THROWN KNIFES AT US, LOOSENED THE TIRES ON MY CAR, THEY FELL OFF THANK GOD WE LIVED. LEFT US WITH NO PHONE ,NO HEAT,AND YES ANG, HE IS CHEATING, THIS MAKES THEM THINK THEY HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROLL YOU.AND YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, YOU HAVE TO, AND I MEAN HAVE TO MAKE A POICE REPORT, GET A CAMERA, TAKE PICTURES, ALSO GET A SMALL RECORDER SO YOU CAN RECORD HOW HGE TALKS TO YOU SO THE JUDGE AND LAWYER CAN HEAR WHATS GOING ON. A CAMERA IS A MUST ANMD A CARING HOUSE TO GO TO WHERE ABUSED WOMEN GO TO WHEN THEY ARE ABUSED. GET A RESTAING ORDER , ALL THAT YOU CAn get hon.I KNOW AM 54, SO HAPPILY MARRIED TO THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN.BUT MY CHILDREN ARE SO MESSED UP BECAUSE I WAS SCARED TO LEAVE. THEY HAVE PROBLEMS THAT WILLL BE WITH THEM THE REST OF THERE LIFES. TRUST ME.THEY SEE AND HEAR IT ALL. THEY WILL MARRY THE SAME KIND OF MINE. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT...NO WAY. JUST GO EITHER WHEN HES GONE TO WORK OR GONE WHENEVER .,MAKE SURE YOU HAVE SOMEONE HELP YOU FROM THE WOMENS SHELTER FOR PROTECTION, FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. PLEASE DO THIS, OR YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO TERRIBLE.IF YOU WANT TO DESTROY YOUR LIFE AND YOUR KIDS,YOU WILL LISTEN TO ALL THAT I SAY. PLEASE.U CAN WRITE ME , AND I CAN FILL YOU IN ON MY PAST,ITS NOT A PRETTY PICTURE...I DONT THINK YOU NEED TO ASK ANYONE EELSE ANGIE..THE WORD IS LEAVE ,WITH HELP FROM THE WOMEN SHELTERS. THEY WILL PROTECT YOU. YOUR NOT IN LOVE YOUR SCARED OF HIM , BIG DIFFERENCE. HE HAS DEGRADED YOU SO BAD, YOUR CHILDREN ARE NEXT...MOVE ON PLEASE. MAUREEN

Megan - posted on 02/04/2010

Next time he hits you anytime take a pic if there is a bruse get a lawyer and he/she will make damn sure that he has supervised visits if he gets visits at all! I am truely sorry for what you have to go through my only advice to you is leave as soon as possible once a beater always a beater. Leave before he hits your child or injures you badly!

Simone - posted on 02/04/2010

OMG! Yes I have I am almost divorced now from my husband but he is now in jail for what he did to me. If you want I would like to exchange emails with you or even numbers if you want my name is Simone. Ok so my story is this I was with my husband since i was 18 yrs old I am now 26 I have three kids with him. He started being abusive the day before we got marriedand at that time I was pregnate with our first son but I thought no big deal I made him mad I deserved it well it got worse in time the last year before I filed for divorce he had an affair on me and got the girl pregnate I then asked for a divorce which he did not want to give me but instead I got hit in the head which he opened up I and he did that in front of all three of our kids. I got rushed to the hospital after watching him get arrested. My bestfriend is the one that called the police for me there is more to that night but to much to explain on here but I ended up going to a dv shelter then to a dv transitional home which was a two bedroom apartment. Know this all just happened in June of 2009 so he is in Jail heading to prison I almost lost my life and my kids almost lost me. I felt before that day that I couldn't leave one he was the father of my three kids two he was the main finacial support and I felt that I still loved him did i really want to throw away 9 years but he did that himself. I am alot happier now Yes I am struggling and have other problems to deal with but I would get out before it gets worse or before it is to late. And if and when you leave you can put a restaining order on him where he would have to get supervised visits with the baby. Again my story is long but I am here as a person who has recently been through it and I need a friend as well I am a lonly depressed mom to three kids so it would be nice to make a friend.

Simone - posted on 02/04/2010

OMG! Yes I have I am almost divorced now from my husband but he is now in jail for what he did to me. If you want I would like to exchange emails with you or even numbers if you want my name is Simone. Ok so my story is this I was with my husband since i was 18 yrs old I am now 26 I have three kids with him. He started being abusive the day before we got marriedand at that time I was pregnate with our first son but I thought no big deal I made him mad I deserved it well it got worse in time the last year before I filed for divorce he had an affair on me and got the girl pregnate I then asked for a divorce which he did not want to give me but instead I got hit in the head which he opened up I and he did that in front of all three of our kids. I got rushed to the hospital after watching him get arrested. My bestfriend is the one that called the police for me there is more to that night but to much to explain on here but I ended up going to a dv shelter then to a dv transitional home which was a two bedroom apartment. Know this all just happened in June of 2009 so he is in Jail heading to prison I almost lost my life and my kids almost lost me. I felt before that day that I couldn't leave one he was the father of my three kids two he was the main finacial support and I felt that I still loved him did i really want to throw away 9 years but he did that himself. I am alot happier now Yes I am struggling and have other problems to deal with but I would get out before it gets worse or before it is to late. And if and when you leave you can put a restaining order on him where he would have to get supervised visits with the baby. Again my story is long but I am here as a person who has recently been through it and I need a friend as well I am a lonly depressed mom to three kids so it would be nice to make a friend.

Anna - posted on 02/04/2010

Angela, Angela, Angela...what are you doing??? He is an abusive person...that will NEVER stop..nor will he ever change, not for you, your son or himself, because he hates himself more than he lets on. So he makes other people (i.e. YOU) feel bad about youself so he can feel better. It's a sad fact...but very true! You think you can make a difference, thinking 'maybe he'll change', because only you are the one that sees the true 'little boy' inside of him. Let me guess..he tells you that you'll never survive without him, you'll never meet anyone else that would put up with you etc etc. What you need to do is call the police and file a report. You don't need to have him charged, you just need a record, just incase something really bad happens down the track..that's if you're silly enough to stay in that situation. If he hits you, take photos. Don't feel ashamed to tell your friends & family, they only care about you & will support you during the most crucial times. Just don't put up with it anymore. It doesn't matter how much councelling you get..he needs to fix himself, not the relationship. As for your son witnessing the events, if he continues to see that, he will start to think he can treat you with disrespect also. I was married to an abusive person also, but was strong enough to leave after 18 months of marriage. They all say the same thing, behave the same way...in the end..all abusive partners are gutless. They have to hit a girl to make themselves feel bigger & stronger. Sorry if this is too harsh, but reasoning with you kindly and gently won't work. Understand that life is worth more than the idea of keeping up a pretence that everything is ok. Take care & do the smart thing.....leave! Good luck!

Samantha - posted on 02/04/2010

yeah you def. need to get a restraining order. you could also call the house of ruth. they are trained and specialize in helping woman in abusive situations, and i would also see a lawyer he/she can have an emergancy custody meeting held where he can subpeona your counselor and your partner mite not be able to c ur child alone, the only drawback, is if they dnt c him as a danger to your child as much as he is to you, it mite not work out as planned. and thats where one of the bigger problems lie bc you don't want things to get that bad where he is a danger to your child. as a mother of 2 myself i knoany of us would throw ourselves in front of a bus to protect our children. but def. make sure you speak with a lawyer or a counselor to be sure you go about things the best way possible. you wanna make sure you keep the law on your side. i wish you tons of luck in your situation.

Susan - posted on 02/04/2010

Hi!I am so sorry to hear about your dilema and I honestly feel for you and anyone who is in this type of suituation,as I have come from a family where my father was controlling and abusive to my mother verbally and physicallty...it never stopped and we had to leave him, but by then I was 18 years old and it effected me terribly and i went through a depression...I had nightmares and so on...I don't know how, but I'm soooooo glad I could overcome my depression...thanks to my positive outlook on life, but it took me a very long time to even take jokes, as everything would set me off crying...I'm gald my mother left my father, because this would have never stopped even after I got out of the house.

Now I have kids and a wonderful husband, but I told my husband if I was ever abused by him,...i'd be out the door the first time it happens...

For you...I only advise you to really think thing over and make sure that your child and you are both ok and come out without any emotional an physical scarring....

My altimate goal in life is...when my kids are old enough and I can return to work, I want to help people like us!

Hope you make the right decision for yoursel and your baby...

kind regards....Sue

Judy - posted on 02/04/2010

Call your local crisis hot line and ask for help. This is a confidential that does not show up on your phone and therefore no one can check to see who you called. They will help you make a plan to do what you want to do and possibly offer counseling to help you deal with all of it long term. Please don't put off asking for help for your sake and the sake of your child. There are many people who are praying for you and want you to be safe.

Kat - posted on 02/04/2010

Please know that you have support for you out there. Go to the police, file a restraining order, and ask for contact to a local women's shelter where you can get all of the advice and connections that you need. Don't wait any longer. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for several years and we had the police at our house twice with one time having me taking our one year-old son with me in the middle of the night. I finally left in 2008 because I knew my ex-husband would never change and it was a matter of time before it got physical (he had hit his wife before me). It has been a challenge and a struggle and I have a hard time making ends meet ~ but I wish I'd left sooner. I'm in therapy and it's taking time to heal the emotional scars. I have a heart arrhythmia from the years of stress and emotional abuse, but it's getting better because my son and I are in a peaceful environment and safe now. Take a deep breath, say a prayer, grab your child, and GO. God bless you and your son!

Gina - posted on 02/04/2010

I have advice! Get the heck out of there now!!!!! I was in a abusive relationship for 9 yrs, had his child, and he constantly used my son to get to me. He would say things like i'll take him and you'll never see him again ect.. even went as far as to say he would harm him just so i could not have him. Things will never ever get better! you have time to get out before it causes your child some serious issues. You need to start filing police reports, I believe you can file a report without pressing charges, so he will not know that you have done it. If you had to go to the doctors ever because of what he's done then get a copy of those medical records. start saving whatever money you can in a seperate account, have the statement mailed to a friend or family members house. Tell no one where you are moving. most imporantly get statements from anyone who has witnessed the abuse. GET COUNSELING!

my prayers are with you and your son! Please don't wait for something more serious to happen.. YOU WILL BE OK!!!!!

Carol - posted on 02/04/2010

You need professional legal help to make sure that your child is not seen by him unsupervised. Check into the closest women's center and have their information with you at all times. Our women's center here requires that you have filed charges to get help. You may want to seek out a professional counselor that will guide you through the process of breaking away from him. He's not a nice guy and obviously has low self esteem himself. You can't make him change, you can only change yourself and waiting to get help will only make it worse and expose your child to seeing his momma abused/or worse yet, think it's normal. Please take steps. If you have family that is supportive, talk to them and break this cycle before it breaks you. No one deserves to be verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically abused.

Dee - posted on 02/04/2010

If he hits you again, PUNCH HIM BACK!!

Sherry - posted on 02/04/2010

Just wanted to also let you know, you do not need bruises to prove him guilty. the courts will get the records from the couselor you saw just make sure you tell the attorney. In most cases the fact that you had to go to a shelter tells the courts a lot and you will have the advise of an attorney to help you.

Dora - posted on 02/04/2010

There are shelters for battered women and their children and that is where i went when i left the house

Sherry - posted on 02/04/2010

Being from the social work counseling side of this forum first let me advise you I am only giving you my personal not professional opinion. You and your child are in danger and thing will not get better. You need to find a local womens shelter. You can dial 411 for United Way and they will assit you in finding a local shelter for family abuse. The shelter will offer free legal assistance to help you get a protective order for you and your child. Women typically do have a difficult time leaving abusive situations for all the reasons you listed above because you have spent years being told you are not worthy and can not achieve anything but the good news is you can. If you can gather the strenght to leave this situation then please believe there is nothing you cannot do! you do have an obligation to your child to show the child violence is not the way. Raising a child in a violent environment will increase the likelyhood you child will be a violent offender or be in a violent relationship. The shelter will assist you with counseling, housing, legal counsel, and finding a job. Please do it for your child if you won't do it for yourself!

Deborah - posted on 02/04/2010

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE for help. I worked as an administrator for a domestic violence agency, and I am not a counselor, but I know enough to know you need professional help and a safety plan. Please call asap, for your sake and that of your child's. What you're going though is awful, and you need to know there is help available. You need to go to counseling by yourself--not with your husband.

Dora - posted on 02/04/2010

Yes I was. And it is hard to get out. I wish I hadn't waited 21yrs.Never thought of it until I had had enough and said no more. I had 5 children and no job. I decided I would go to school and get a job and no matter if I didn't have anything to eat my kids would be taken care of. And here I am 21yrs later. I am happy by myself and have a good job. Not that I wouldn't want to be married but to be in another bad relationship I'd rather be by myself. I have 5 great kids I raised by myself and 10 wonderful grandchildren. Good luck and hang in there. No one can tell you when you've had enough. Only you will know that. Though sometimes it gets hard and you might think what if. But that what if is always the same because the do not change, they just get worst. Take your time and plan what you want to do. That is what I did. Then when i could not take any more I went for it. GOOD LUCK----GOD B

Kena - posted on 02/04/2010

Get out because it never stops and trust Im a mom of 4 kids and someone wanted me so what do you think about you. Also, call the police and get you some proof because if he god forbid this happens kill you; then what.

Nikki - posted on 02/04/2010

Hi, I have been there too, although i had 3 kids, the abuse started as mental then turned phsysical, I put up with it for 9yrs... hoping he would change, feeling worthless and thought it was best for my children. I didnt realize at the time but i was very depressed, whenever something bad happened I went shopping and spent obsene ammounts of money on my kids trying to fix their hurt with toys, clothes and whatever they wanted, it made me happy to see them happy. until one very violent night when I found my middle child vomiting in bed out of fear, it was then that i decided to leave but it still took me another 2 months to actually go. Leaving was extreamly hard, the kids were crying and so was i, i didnt know where to go and ended up living out of my car for some time. It was also hard not to go back at some times, he would call me begging me to take him back, that he would change and even though the kids knew what he was like they wanted to go back also.

Its been 4 yrs since i did leave and i am a much stronger person now, i have confidence, my children are better behaved and we are much happier.

I wouldn't allow unsupervised visit's if you can, my middle child was choked on one of these visits, he was choked hard enough to leave bruises around his neck, my ex did not get to have the kids for 6months after that and is now oin supervised visits.

What you have to do next is going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done but hopefully it will work out for you as it did for me.

Take care,

Nikki

Jodie - posted on 02/04/2010

I am sorry that you are in this situation. But I think that you need to get out of this relationship for good and take your son with you. This is no kind of environment to bring a child up in and no woman deserves to be treated that way, no matter what.



You need to find someone who you trust to tell them and let them know what is going on.



I found this on Oprah's site on how to successfully get out of an abusive relationship I hope it helps.



Before you leave…

Get help to make a plan.

Create a code word.

Document your abuse.

Pack an emergency bag.



Document your abuse by…

Keeping a journal.

Seeing a doctor.

Filing a police report.

Taking photos.



Pack an emergency bag with…

Money

Your checkbook and bank info

Credit cards

Identification for you and your children

Car keys

Court papers

Medications



After you leave…

Tell family and friends.

Get an order of protection.

Put 911 on speed dial.

Change your cell phone number.

Change your daily routine.

Avoid being alone.

Find a safe place to stay.

Alysa - posted on 02/04/2010

Where are you located? If you are in NJ, please contact WomanSpace in the Lawrenceville, NJ area. They can help you in many ways. Please make this call for yourself. You will be very glad you did. Their toll-free hotline is: 1-800-572-7233. They should be able to assist you in some way immediately, and provide/guide you to other resources.

Best wishes,

~Lisa

Vanessa - posted on 02/04/2010

I can't believe you worte I am Very close to ending this relationship. You need to pack up and leave no hesitations. Women need to realize they need no man to live. If you continue down this road several things WILL happen. Not might it will. You will end up hurt badly and can't take care of your son anymore and this man will be raising him. You will end up dead and your son has no mom and will grow up with emotional problems. Your son will think it is alright to treat women this way and he will be the same way once he gets older and he could turn on you too as a teenager. Do you want anoter girl to have to go through this. You can end this pattern now. Show him what a strong woman is.... by leaving! You need to just have supervised visitations or no visitations until he goes to anger management classes.

Susan - posted on 02/04/2010

Hi I put up with my abusive husband for 22 years had 7 kids thinking he would change but instead he got worse it became a daily habit so i contacted womens refuge and they got us into a safe house organised a protection order and organise everything with winz. Now I wish I had left years ago.

Ingrid - posted on 02/04/2010

Dear Angela. I had been in Physically and mentally abuse by my first partner who I had 2 children with. They say they wont ever do it again but they do. I left him. that was over 20years ago and the scars are still with me. As Jessica wrote there are lots of programs for single mums and Abused women.(the father never hurt his children).

so please take Jessica's advise LEAVE Him. Also take the steps that Renae Kenneison has written. Praying you make the right decision for your child's future .

Ingrid

Zulema - posted on 02/04/2010

Hi, I read u'r info and u have no idea helpful that is to me right now. U have described ABSOLUTELY EVERY single feeling as if I were the one talking about this. As I write I'm in the process of leaving my husband right now. I'm scared and it hurts but I know I have to get out of here. My abuse is more verbal than physical so I try to let it go but my kids are suffering the consequences. My daughter is in second grade now and since she was in preschool I've been taking her late to school. I have a hard time getting up in the mornings and I know it's because Im in a BAD relationship. He's threatened me like hell but I know I have to take the risk. I'm TIRED AND I'M GETTING ILL. I have all kinds of chronic pain because of stress and I have high blood pressure and I am only 28. I'm pushing myself to just get OUT right now so wish me luck. I think I need all the luck I can get.



Thank you for writing this though, you have given me strength to do what I have to do.

Denise - posted on 02/04/2010

Sorry to hear your situation. I would strongly recommend prior to taking any action such as leaving, etc, to visit an attorney to discuss the matter further. Simple things that you may not consider could potentially cause negative impacts at any divorce proceedings.

Protect your child, yourself, and any assets and seek the assistance of an attorney.

Hitting is wrong wherever and whenever, and once is one too many times.

Sandi - posted on 02/04/2010

Get out now!!!! If you can get to a women’s shelter go there first as they can protect you. T



hen you call the police and file a report and you go to the court and file for domestic violence restraining order. You should be able to get a 20 day order easily.



The reason I say go to a shelter instead of family is that they can do a better job of protecting you. The shelter can also help you get services to prove that you have been abused and this info does stand up in court.



If he tries to see your son then you ask because of his history of violence that he only be allowed supervised visitation.