Adoption after age 43. Need help with decision
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Elizabeth - posted on 03/01/2013
My husband and I just adopted two children, ages 5 years and not quite three years old. We are both 55 years old. I was born when my mother was 44 years old and my dad was 54. Having older parents let me see as a child that parenting is not about age. It is about love and responsibility and maturity and sacrifice and joy. And, for the record, I proudly joined my daughter at her schools roller skating party. I put on my skates and got out there with her.
Kathie - posted on 03/09/2013
I have four bio childern. Two were grown and out of house, and the other two were in high school when we adopted a one and two year old from russia. I was 45 at the time. Adopted in 1999. My kids became an aunt and uncle in 2010. I love my kids as much as my bio kids. I say go for it.
Cindy - posted on 03/06/2013
I just finished my adoption on 3/1 of a now 3.5 years old and a 25 month old and I just turned 49.
I'M enjoying the experience very much this is my second time parenting my other children are 34 and 32 had my first children very young this time Even with there special needs its been a great joy.At times been over whelming and bone tired but wouldnt change a thing.Dont know where all that energy come from lost 20lbs
Rhonda - posted on 03/05/2013
Hi SaDonna, I've had two ends of spectrum. An only child, when I was very young. He had friends, but at home, unless I was entertaining him, he found all sorts of ways to do this. He read very young, had activities that required one person, then eventually the computer. He excelled in school and because he was my only child, traveled, wanted for nothing and mainly hung out with adults. He is now an amazing young man.
Okay, then I had twins at 43. Was expecting one.. etc. Completely different. It was rough in the beginning but they are constant companions, learned to socialize very early, are best friends and can't bear to be away from each other very long. At my age, this is a blessing. Don't think I could donate all my time again to one child (also worked) so as twins, they are best friends. I love now that there are two, despite the insane amount of work in the beginning. There is something to be said for having a sibling. It's for life. Only children also have tons of advantages, but a smaller family circle. If you are up for it, I say go for it. All best R.
SaDonna - posted on 03/05/2013
Thanks ladies, I really appreciate all of your thoughts and advice. I agree Vanessa, I can financially take care of kiddos now vs earlier and do feel wiser now vs then as well. I think for me I will just need a little boost of energy and I'll be just fine ;)
Vanessa - posted on 03/05/2013
Oh yeah, I don't think your age is an issue at all. I'm a mother of little ones in my 40's and honestly, I know I'm a wiser, most patient, and a more confident mother than I would have been when I was younger. And you know your daughter will really enjoy helping you with her new sibling. My sister and I are 9 years apart, and I just loved helping my mother raise her. But of course the most important question is, what do you want?
Annica - posted on 03/03/2013
IMO, if your partner would like another child, you would like another child and you daughter would like a sibling, and I imagine a child out there would love a family, well, that is a wonderful gift for all. I know that it is your age that has you concerned but when it comes to adoption, it's matter of a child living in foster care or having a older set of parents. I would choose older parents any day!
SaDonna - posted on 03/01/2013
Thx Allison, I truly go back and forth. The concern is really just an age thing. I do, at times, feel a little guilty that my little girl doesn't have a playmate, but she has her church friends and school buddies. I know of several "only children" and your right all are completely successful.
Thx for responding :)
Alison - posted on 03/01/2013
SaDonna, if your main motivation is to please your daughter, you should probably drop this. Children will almost always want a baby brother or sister. I don't know any families where that is not the case.
If YOU feel your family is incomplete, 43, is not totally crazy for adoption. If you feel that your daughter is missing out on something because she does not have a sibling, do your research. I have read that only children actually tend to be more successful than children from bigger families. They get so much more attention from their parents (and maybe their parents are a little less frazzled!). They are also more likely to have time and means for extra-curricular activities, and probably spend more time with adults that children with siblings.
Food for thought.
If you can provide a stable, loving home, I'd say that is more important than worries about what age you might be in the future. It's not as if you're already 50. Twenty to thirty years ago, it might have been odd and a little unkind to a child to adopt at 43, but these days people are living longer and living longer with good health. It's reasonable to assume that you'll last long enough from this point.
I mean, to draw a comparison, there's the example of the woman in her early 60s who connived her way into getting fertility treatment and gave birth to twins, only to die of breast cancer (which I strongly suspect was linked to the surges in hormones due to her pregnancy in the first place) when they were preschoolers. You are nowhere near this extreme of example and have no cause to consider yourself selfish. You'd be an older mom, yes, but not so old that it would be a negative experience for your children - and that's the perspective that matters!
I reckon if you're really keen on it and your daughter is keen, with support from your husband, that you should go for it. You don't want to wind up looking back with regret that you didn't and then left it until it definitely was too late.
Also, I didn't mention it to before, but kudos for adopting. The world needs more loving people like you to adopt. :)
SaDonna - posted on 02/27/2013
Hi, thx for posting. I'm from Missouri and yes I'll check that. I keep going back and forth. My daughter has been praying for a sibling.. Ugh.. But yes really it sounds crazy but the sleep deprivation as well as knowing I potentially would be almost 50 before he/she starts K.. Ugh and yes I'm married my husband is 2 years younger and he is willing to try. Struggling with this.
Are you thinking of adopting a baby or a child? Also what are the rules (and hoops) for adoption where you live? I know in some places, it becomes considerably more difficult once the parents are over 40. Ridiculous, really, if the alternative is to leave a child in the care system, but there it is.
I'd check out the system again to ensure that you would still be welcomed to adopt where you are, before you decide (if you do) that you will go ahead. Just in case.
I'm 41 and have a 3 year old and would love to adopt a sibling for her, though won't be doing so because my husband is against the idea. I'm pretty certain, however, that I wouldn't consider adopting a baby even if he was supportive and we could get on the list here. I don't think I could cope with the sleep deprivation again!
You don't mention your partner. Are they supportive?
Join Circle of Moms
Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.Join Circle of Moms