Adult Male Still Living At Home

Sherry - posted on 12/23/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years and we are talking marriage. We are both in our early 50's. He has 2 children, ages 20 and 23, both still living at home. The 23-year old is a girl with a 1-year old baby who is beyond adorable and lovable. The 20-year old is a male who is going to a community college. The boyfriend and I are both gainfully employed with decent jobs and not much more than adequate pay. Although I do not officially live in the house, I spend a great amount of time there. He lives in a New England state and I in the South. His house is fairly modest in size and is suitable for 1, maybe 2 adults. Now we have 4 adults and a baby there. It is beyond uncontrollable.

The son, well, I don't even know how to describe him. He is disrespectful, discourteous, pompous, arrogant, narcissistic, and appears to have very little soul or humanity. He also has what I call "selective politeness" - he is only polite to people who can do something for him or basically, someone who is not me. He is not only disrespectful to me, he is disrespectful to his father, who doesn't seem to care about that behavior. The son has disrespected me in front of his father and the father, my boyfriend, does nothing. I suspect the son was never parented as he grew and was never discilplined or made to be held accountable for anything. The lack of punishment for abhorrent behavior is obvious. I attribute it to the classic divorced father syndrome. I have never had children but have had contact with many as they have grown into adulthood (2 godsons, 6 step-nieces). I don't understand that kind of behavior. I was never allowed to behave in that way and none of the afforementioned children weren't either. Believe me, I understand that that is his home, meaning the son. I really am a guest. But with so many people in a house that is suitable for 1 or 2 adults, I just try to keep things organized and expect everyone to respect each other's space. The son rarely cleans the kitchen after he eats. And if he does clean, there are food particles left on the dishes and silverware and placed back in the cabinets. He chews tobacco and spits in the kitchen sink, leaving traces in a place that is already rife with germs. He puts his silverware in there constantly and I fear that the silverware is not cleaned sufficiently before being put away. All of this leads to the baby living there and being concerned for the health of all who live there. He leaves cabinet doors open and I come around the corner of the kitchen with a door in my face. He leaves the refrigerator door open, sometimes for hours. In other words I have turned into something I am not - a nag. It is destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. He says I make him drink. I was willing to try to stick around until both children leave to see if things would change in our relationship but there doesn't seem to be much support there. He loves me but it appears that he has condoned this behavior for so long that it is normal for him. He does not pay rent, he pays nothing toward the bills, he buys no groceries yet he has a job, buys expensive tech items, games and spends the money on his girlfriend and partying. He is spending my boyfriend into the poor house. My boyfriend and I are both employed by an airline so we are not there for a good amount of the time and his son eats a minimum of $150 a week in groceries. My boyfriend has no money. We both drive 2003 vehicles on borrowed time, he has borrowed from his 401K and I have blown through my savings trying to help. My boyfriend bought both children cars ( a Lexus and a Saab), iPhones, pays for their plans, pays their insurance, Mac computers, a motorcycle and all the trappings of the "keeping up with the Joneses". Nobody seems to be very appreciative or grateful. Help.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/23/2012

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It is not your place to teach his son anything. THAT is my point. You want him to learn from you? Actions are the best way. It is quite clear by your post you have no respect for him, so how should he have any for you?

You continously say throughout both of your posts something along the lines of "he has never been taught respect throughout his life" And more things to that regard. THAT is criticizing your bf's parenting skills. Do you really want to go down that road with him?

Me stating that you are not a mother is for a specific reason. That is not a dig into you personally, just that you may not fully understand his relationship with his son. You may never understand that.

Dove - posted on 12/23/2012

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Little Miss Can't Be Wrong is 100% right. If his own FATHER watched him disrespect you and didn't say anything... guess what? The father doesn't really respect you either. If he did, he would've said something to his son for acting like a prick. This man raised these kids. He raised his son to be like this or HE would say something to the son about behaving himself or getting out.

If you can't accept the son for who he is at 20 years old.... you have no place in that house.

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Sherry - posted on 12/23/2012

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To Dove and Little Miss

Consider this thread DONE. I SHOW respect to the son. I am just not sure he knows what respect entails. Nothing I have done works. Not even hours and hours of prayer. The devil is working overtime. He still has no respect and especially doesn't have respect for women. If I told you everything he has said and done it would make you ashamed for deriding me and judging me. I really didn't think all the details were appropriate for this forum. Clearly, I am on the wrong site. I apologize for getting anyone else involved in my issue. It was a horrible misstep on my part. I must figure this out on my own. I have been thrown into and have chosen to participate in a relationship that has so much dysfunction I can't even begin to tell you. I have only given you the "cliff notes" version. Even my boyfriend's mother, who is probably the most wise person I know, has told me she would have left a long time ago. I have decided to stay in the relationship and make it work, respect or no respect. The son will be gone sooner or later and I am sure he will get a quick lesson in being an adult and being responsible when he realizes that dad won't be there to bail him out of his own irresponsibility. Bottom line is that he would be more than welcome to me in that house if he showed one thread of decency. I can tolerate some of the small stuff if he just exhibited an ounce of respect, appreciation or gratefulness. Okay, so he has never been given the tools to be an adult on his own and will eventually learn to co-exist. I do fault my boyfriend for that. However, at our age we will not be raising children together. A positive light is that I have witnessed him doing things differently with his grandbaby and there is a chance. I am in that house to make life for everyone managable. I have good organizing skills but 4 adults co-existing in a tiny house requires participation from all who live there to be courteous and reponsible. Once again, I regret involving you all in my problem and I apologize for the misunderstanding. Please do not respond. This is over. I will not be appearing here anymore. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year.

Sherry - posted on 12/23/2012

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Well, Little Miss...Can't Be Wrong?

Thank you for your insight. Thank you for reminding me that I am not a mother. You don't know me. I would love to have been a mother. I may not have been a mother but I DO have common sense. I also learned how to pick my battles. And I was raised with a great amount of decency. I learned respect and courtesy. I learned how to treat others. I love how my boyfriend loves his children. I hate how his son treats him. We all love unconditionally. For me, that's a given. I do have a relationship with the children. I have a great relationship with the daughter and the baby. And with my boyfriend. I worry that my boyfriend is so giving that he will literally have to declare bankruptcy over this. Guess what just popped up on my MSN homepage?! Oh, When Adult Children Move In With The Parents. Timed just for me. It said everything I just did. And that was from someone who knows what they are talking about. I am not their mother. They have a mother. She left them when they were young children. I am not trying to be their mother but the son needs to learn to respect others. If we get married, it certainly will be my place to have a say in what goes on in that house. I prefer to lead by example and treat him with the utmost respect. I never raise my voice and if I ask him to do something, I tell him why I want it done or I am relaying that information from his father. What I am looking for is a way to teach the son about respect and consideration for others. Did I mention we were both in our early 50's? We have not entered into this union lightly. I am not trying to "force" the son out of the house but he needs to either behave like an adult and therefore he will be treated as an adult or cut the ties, get out on his own and maybe he will quickly learn the lessons that he should have been taught throughtout his life.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/23/2012

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"The son, well, I don't even know how to describe him. He is disrespectful, discourteous, pompous, arrogant, narcissistic, and appears to have very little soul or humanity. He also has what I call "selective politeness" - he is only polite to people who can do something for him or basically, someone who is not me. He is not only disrespectful to me, he is disrespectful to his father, who doesn't seem to care about that behavior. The son has disrespected me in front of his father and the father, my boyfriend, does nothing. I suspect the son was never parented as he grew and was never discilplined or made to be held accountable for anything. "


Well, it certainly sounds like you have no issue describing him. You are NEW to the situation. You have NO CHILDREN of your own. You don't know what it is like to raise them, love them, and forever to be bound to them. You may be a spectator in other kids growing up, but it is completely different behind closed doors. His son WILL ALWAYS be his son. You are someone that can come and go.

It sounds like your BOYFRIEND is being the father he wants to be. These are grown ups, not little children that are gonna change there ways just cause daddy has a new girlfriend. They probably hate when you come there and "nag". They have a mom. If you want to salvage this relationship, you would build some sort of relationship with these kids instead of just being the dads girlfriend. If nothing changes, then really it isn't your place. If these were young babies and you were stepping in as a parent to help raise them, it would be different. But these are grown ups living with the dad that raised them. You don't like it, well....you may just have to suck it up. If you can live like that, leave. You try to force the son out, you are going to be the evil one, and your BF will resent you.

Dove - posted on 12/23/2012

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Cut your losses and get out.... or live with it. If your boyfriend doesn't care about the situation... nothing will change and you are just the 'intruder' messing with something that is none of your business (I get why you care, but that is probably what the son is thinking... and it seems as if your boyfriend agrees with him).

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