Sherry - posted on 12/23/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )
I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years and we are talking marriage. We are both in our early 50's. He has 2 children, ages 20 and 23, both still living at home. The 23-year old is a girl with a 1-year old baby who is beyond adorable and lovable. The 20-year old is a male who is going to a community college. The boyfriend and I are both gainfully employed with decent jobs and not much more than adequate pay. Although I do not officially live in the house, I spend a great amount of time there. He lives in a New England state and I in the South. His house is fairly modest in size and is suitable for 1, maybe 2 adults. Now we have 4 adults and a baby there. It is beyond uncontrollable.
The son, well, I don't even know how to describe him. He is disrespectful, discourteous, pompous, arrogant, narcissistic, and appears to have very little soul or humanity. He also has what I call "selective politeness" - he is only polite to people who can do something for him or basically, someone who is not me. He is not only disrespectful to me, he is disrespectful to his father, who doesn't seem to care about that behavior. The son has disrespected me in front of his father and the father, my boyfriend, does nothing. I suspect the son was never parented as he grew and was never discilplined or made to be held accountable for anything. The lack of punishment for abhorrent behavior is obvious. I attribute it to the classic divorced father syndrome. I have never had children but have had contact with many as they have grown into adulthood (2 godsons, 6 step-nieces). I don't understand that kind of behavior. I was never allowed to behave in that way and none of the afforementioned children weren't either. Believe me, I understand that that is his home, meaning the son. I really am a guest. But with so many people in a house that is suitable for 1 or 2 adults, I just try to keep things organized and expect everyone to respect each other's space. The son rarely cleans the kitchen after he eats. And if he does clean, there are food particles left on the dishes and silverware and placed back in the cabinets. He chews tobacco and spits in the kitchen sink, leaving traces in a place that is already rife with germs. He puts his silverware in there constantly and I fear that the silverware is not cleaned sufficiently before being put away. All of this leads to the baby living there and being concerned for the health of all who live there. He leaves cabinet doors open and I come around the corner of the kitchen with a door in my face. He leaves the refrigerator door open, sometimes for hours. In other words I have turned into something I am not - a nag. It is destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. He says I make him drink. I was willing to try to stick around until both children leave to see if things would change in our relationship but there doesn't seem to be much support there. He loves me but it appears that he has condoned this behavior for so long that it is normal for him. He does not pay rent, he pays nothing toward the bills, he buys no groceries yet he has a job, buys expensive tech items, games and spends the money on his girlfriend and partying. He is spending my boyfriend into the poor house. My boyfriend and I are both employed by an airline so we are not there for a good amount of the time and his son eats a minimum of $150 a week in groceries. My boyfriend has no money. We both drive 2003 vehicles on borrowed time, he has borrowed from his 401K and I have blown through my savings trying to help. My boyfriend bought both children cars ( a Lexus and a Saab), iPhones, pays for their plans, pays their insurance, Mac computers, a motorcycle and all the trappings of the "keeping up with the Joneses". Nobody seems to be very appreciative or grateful. Help.