Advice on what to say...

Laura - posted on 04/28/2010

OK.... I just read some of the other responses and it made me very sad.. Are you people seriously Mothers???!! Grow up! Clean up your language and attitudes. You are sad!

Tracy - posted on 04/28/2010

Actually it's "go forth and multiply". Love had nothing to do with marriage until the last century most of the time. Even now, a lot of times love has nothing to do with making babies.

Laura - posted on 04/28/2010

I agree with you Rachael! If people want to know why; my reason is simply that I am a Christian and I believe that there is a reason that God intended for a man and a woman to create a child TOGETHER out of love. Sorry that may not be the way the world works all the time, but that is what I know is right. With that being said, I also know that we are not to judge others and it would probable ruin your relationship with your friend if you are too harsh. Maybe you should be up front about how you feel and give some reasons and then say BUT, I will love and support you in whatever decision you make. Hopefully, she is going into this for the right reasons and with the right heart and God will bless her decision. Pray about it!

Linda - posted on 04/28/2010

I would support my friend in her decision. Having two parents doesn't guarantee a great childhood, emotionally or financially. My dad left our family when I was seven and my life got better. Not having to deal with the tension between my parents took a lot of stress off of me. If having children is important enough for her to do it on her own, then she should go for it. I would have. I can't imagine not having children.

Sharon - posted on 04/28/2010

Maybe we could all chip in and buy the friend a nice adult trained dog?

Dana - posted on 04/28/2010

Alright, let's keep it nice. ~Dana~ WtCoM moderator

Tracy - posted on 04/28/2010

Sharon, she won't. She's got a "holier-than-thou" attitude because she's got the husband, kids and Jesus.

The friend will be better off without her as a friend in the long run

Sharon - posted on 04/28/2010

Ok ick. I scrolled down and read all the god shit.. Nasty. Honestly... satanism is looking more and more attractive damn.

Sharon - posted on 04/28/2010

I've read through most of this & both of your replies.

You are so wrong. You need to find it in yourself to support her or move on.

Erin - posted on 04/28/2010

I think it is a huge CROC when ppl use god to hate! God is an all loving God from what I gathered about religion! Your friend's standing with God will not worsen because she has a child using a medical process that He has been so gracious as to give us in the first place! Your narrow mindedness is closing your heart and God's will off. We are supposed to love thy neighbor! God preaches peace and love and you are spewing judgement and hate. You need to go talk to your parishoner/priest/pastor or whoever is the head of your church! Maybe they can help you understand how the wonderful medical advances we have been blessed with are from Him and not from the devil and sin! Wouldn't it be more sinful for her to go have a fling with a man to make a baby then to go to the doctor! She isn't have a premarital affair that way... How do you feel about her for doing that? I'm sure she probably hasn't been abstinent for 35 yrs! Stop calling yourself Christian, you make my religion look bad!

Krista - posted on 04/28/2010

Man, I wouldn't want a friend who judged me....

Cassie - posted on 04/28/2010

Whatever you say, say it. Be honest with her. Being indirect can erode the foundation of your friendship. Also, it is one thing to disagree and move on and another to disagree and hold the judgement in your heart. Peace.

Kate CP - posted on 04/28/2010

Actually, Mary was an unwed teenage mother. And God said in Genesis 9:1 And God blessed Noah and his sons and said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth."
AND Genesis 9:7 "As for you, be fruitful and multiply; Populate the earth abundantly and multiply in it."

I hate it when people pick and choose from the bible. Either support your friend or don't but don't use God as an excuse to be a snob.

Ivy - posted on 04/28/2010

Personally I think if you can't support your friend, then you should say you can't be friends with her anymore. Your Christian beliefs aren't making you be a good friend. It seems like you are judging her, who wants a friend like that?



If I was her, I would do the same thing. Although I am lucky to have a husband and a daughter I adore. Unfortunately there are women who are not so lucky. So be thankful that you have that as well. If you can't support her wanting a child to love, raise to be a good person and love her back, then you should keep it to yourself or discuss your concern to your partner but say nothing to your friend unless you want to lose your friendship. If you are torn, then it is obvious you are not doing the right thing.



I was raised by my mom and dad. Was I happy to be raised that way? No. Was I raised Christian? Yes. Did it make a difference? No. If my dad wasn't in the picture, would our family be happier? Yes my brothers and sisters would be, but I don't think my mom would. So your theory that a mom and dad are better is somewhat flawed from my point of view.



This whole 2 parent idea for raising children is something of a new thing.

Dana - posted on 04/28/2010

They why did you even bother asking the question? Did you ever think that maybe God led you to this page to ask this question and he's answering you through our responses? No where in the bible does it say it's wrong to be a single parent.

Jodi - posted on 04/28/2010

So I'm sorry, did I miss something? Is your real reason for not supporting your friend's decision a religious one?

Tracy - posted on 04/28/2010

If I recall my bible correctly there is a passage that says "Judge not, lest ye be judged". It's not your place to judge her, or anyone else. That's god's job, so unless you are putting your own judgements above his, I suggest you do some deep self reflection about what it means to be a friend.

*Lisa* - posted on 04/28/2010

So we are sinful and selfish for suggesting that you support your friend in her desire to be a mother?? I don't see the connection. Jesus also said 'Greater love has no man than this, to lay down his life for his friend'...

Rachael - posted on 04/28/2010

Well...thank you everyone for your thoughts...



I have taken all your words to heart, maybe not in the way you think, my heart is actually broken. Our world is getting more and more sinful and selfish everyday and thankfully Jesus has said "Let all the little children come to me"



I will love and support my friend but I won't waiver in my beliefs. My relationship with God is more important than any human one.

Krista - posted on 04/28/2010

Why would you say anything? This is totally her decision. So you have a moral problem with it? Good thing you didn't do it, right? I happen to think that having a child is the most selfless thing in the world to do. It's hard and if she's convinced that she can do it on her own, then more power to her.

If you want to say ANYTHING at all, just make sure that she's going to be completely okay with doing it on her own.

Aine - posted on 04/28/2010

its totally her decision,as im a single mum of 2, i know how fantastic it is to be a mother. this may be her only way of having children, so id say just be there for her and support her as best as you can ,it would be silly to fall out with her over this...she is your friend and friends shouldnt judge eachother...

Krista - posted on 04/28/2010

So here's the question: everybody here has said that it's basically none of your business, and that a good friend would be supportive.

Now it's up to you: are you going to take our words to heart and reconsider your actions towards your friend? Or are you going to dismiss us and comb the internet for more information to support your bias?

Your friend is doing this, with or without your support. If you aren't supportive, the odds are high that you will lose that friendship. There's only room for one person when you get up on a high horse. Will you stay up there? Or will you be a good friend and stop presuming that your choices should be everybody's choices?

Vanessa - posted on 04/27/2010

Support her in her decision. She wants desperately to be a mum, and regardless of how you feel about it, you should be there for her as best you can!

Becky - posted on 04/27/2010

I have to agree with everyone else. It is her decision and really, not your place to say anything about it. I actually felt the same way as she did when I was 29 and not married yet. If I wasn't married by 35, I was planning to adopt as a single parent. (because personally, I didn't feel right bringing a child into the world without a father, but adoption felt different to me because having a loving single parent was better than having no parents at all!) I have placed children with single mothers, as an adoption worker. In fact, one of the single mothers I placed a child with is one of the best mothers I have ever met. Watching her interact with her daughter was just such a joy. Yes, having a loving, happy 2 parent family is the ideal, but sometimes, the ideal and reality aren't the same thing.
And I think that saying that a friend should be denied the joy of having children just because she doesn't meet the right man on time is a terrible, terrible thing to say about a friend! If a friend had ever suggested that to me, I don't think we would've been friends anymore!

Iridescent - posted on 04/27/2010

Exactly, Lisa! My husband's sister is divorced. Her 2 boys spend a lot of time with our family, and say they'd love a dad just like him. While they don't have that, they do have the role model and the time and attention they would get from one!

Katherine - posted on 04/27/2010

And my burning question is: How is this directly affecting you?


I actually cannot take credit for that sentence. It's supposed to be in quotes but it didn't work. Krista said it.

*Lisa* - posted on 04/27/2010

Sorry Rachel but I think the problem is not with your friend wanting to raise a child but you having a closed mind to it. You could be a really good support for her! My aunts (single mum) adopted daughter does have a good male role model - my own dad because my mum supports my aunt and so she joins lots of family gatherings. Her daughter loves having fun with my dad and he is a better role model for her than her own father. It's not black and white.

Katherine - posted on 04/27/2010

It's her decision. If she feels that she is emotionally and financially capable of raising a child on her own, then your role is to be a good friend and support her.

Dana - posted on 04/27/2010

Just because it would be hard for you doesn't mean it would be hard for her. Why do you think you have any right to tell her what to do or make a decision for her. I actually think it's pretty crappy to make discouraging comments to her. Are you going to be there for her when she's old and gray? Is she going to be able to love you like she would her own child? No, I doubt it. She has ONE life, I'm shocked that anyone would think it's okay to tell her what to do with HER life.

Tracy - posted on 04/27/2010

Ha, Amy! I can't tell you how many times I heard that when I announced I was divorcing my ex. That was AFTER I explained what a deviant, abusive, junkie he was and how I was on heavy meds and in therapy to keep my car from "accidentally" driving off a flyover....

Being on my own with my kids, and broke, still was and is the happiest I've been in years

Iridescent - posted on 04/27/2010

You must be one of "those women" that stay married unhappily "for the children" too, huh? Because a 2 parent, mom and dad, home is the best...

Erin - posted on 04/27/2010

Speaking of cheap seats...it is REAL easy to say it would have sucked not to have kids if it didn't work for me, BUT I have a husband and kids so, eh? You will never know what it is for this woman, as the same w/us, and you should support her regardless! Instead of being all black and white about it why don't you help her pound out an excellent support system! There are countries where dad doesn't play a part in raising the kids at all and its all on mom's male family members, Uncles play bigger roles for them. As long as her future children have positive male role models that they get to spend time with they will be fine! And whose to say she'll be single for the rest of her life? Open your mind a little! Instead of thinking of ways to stop her think of ways to support her!

Tracy - posted on 04/27/2010

Sorry, but I totally disagree with your ideal that children HAVE to have a mother and father. My parents both douched out on me at different times in my life, so Grandma was my world. Her husband, my grandfather, was a complete ass and contributed greatly to my unhealthy views on relationships. So, if it weren't for my ONE stable parental unit, I'd be dead about now. And I've known many, many single moms over the years who did excellent jobs being everything for and to their kids. Honestly, I know more adults from single parent homes that are better adjusted and work hard at having good healthy relationships than I know from "traditional" families.

I think you need to let this friend go. I don't see you getting off your high horse on this one.

Carolee - posted on 04/27/2010

If you make her choose, you will lose. If she feels pressured to choose, you will lose. If she feels like you are going to judge her every decision because it's not what YOU would do, she will cut you out of her life faster than you even thought possible.



I understand where you're coming from, but we don't live in a utopian society where everything goes our way. There are certain things we all have to do or give up to achieve our dreams. This is obviously a sacrafice she is ready and willing to make, so you should respect that. (You don't have to agree with somebody's decision to respect it.) If you truly cannot deal with her decision, then you should probably remove yourself from the situation with a polite explination to her.

Charlie - posted on 04/27/2010

A single mother is a single mother regardless of choice what works for single mothers works for all single mothers .



No one is going to change your mind i see that after this quote "but its like having them overcome a handicapp before they even start the race" comparing a child from a single mother " by choice " to having a handicap it seems the issues are all yours and not your friends.

Her biological clock isnt going to wait till you deem it ok for her to have a child .

Abbie said it right this is NOT about you .

Kate CP - posted on 04/27/2010

Might I suggest you take a moment to reflect on this? Just because a husband is in the picture doesn't mean the kids grow up happier. The idea of a family unit has changed substantially in the last generation or so. Two women or two men have children together and are great parents. Many people become single parents by choice and have great children who are well rounded, responsible, loving, caring, contributing members of society. Just because it's not right for you doesn't mean it isn't right for HER. If you don't like it just keep your mouth shut and smile and nod. She needs support right now, not discouragement from one of the people she is supposed to trust and love the most.

Melanie - posted on 04/27/2010

Your friend is making this decision for HER..She does not have to please you or anybody else..only herself.I myself am a single mother and yes..do know just how hard it can be at times..but this friend of yours is a grown woman and quite capable of making such decisions with a clear and level head i'n sure? It is WONDERFUL that you care so much for her..her welfare and that of her impending child (if she so chooses to go through with it) and even though you find it hard to stand by and accept this..i'm afraid that is exactly what you MUST do.Be there for her no matter what she decides..afterall..(as I said) this is HER choice..I hope it all works out for her and you both! xxx

Jodi - posted on 04/27/2010

Umm, Rachael, at 35, how long do you think she should wait? She is just as entitled to have children as you are. Sure, if she was 25, I'd agree with you, that maybe she should wait and give it a chance. But at 35, she isn't getting any younger, and her chances of conceiving reduce every day, while her chances of complications increase. Personally, I'd probably do the same if I was in her situation.

And as others have said, it is bullshit that kids need 2 parents in their lives. What children need is one great parent and some positive role models of the opposite sex.

I was a single mum for a long while after my divorce from my ex, and my son hardly saw his dad. His dad is unstable, unreliable, and while he sees him, he really isn't fussed about whether he does or he doesn't. You know what? The other day, he decided he wanted to talk to my current husband about some personal things instead of his own father. But he grew up without his dad around much at all. He always used to have my dad, my brothers, and later, my husband. He is nearly 13, and is perfectly happy, well balanced, with a good self esteem. Honestly, it's not about 2 parents at all.

Abbie - posted on 04/27/2010

Its not about what you think. This is NOT about you! This is not about how you think that only families with both mom and dad are right. You obviously have very narrrow views of how things should be.

A good friend would support her, help her, be there when she needs something, not be figuring out ways to convince her what SHE wants is wrong ( in your view)

I would say, stay out of it if you can't support her!

Rachael - posted on 04/27/2010

For the record, my friend would be an excellant mother, but not an excellant mother and father.



I do agree with having positive male role models when there is not a father present, but again for those of you in the cheap seats that keep missing this part of my posts... I am not against single moms! I was raised by a single mom! They are amazing, wonderful women blessed with a strength that only comes from above. I just don't agree with single moms by choice! There is not a single mother out there that doesn't want an active, loving father for their children.

Melanie - posted on 04/27/2010

It's her choice and her choice only. You can try and try to discourgage someone from something but there's only so much you can say to that person.

Rachael - posted on 04/27/2010

No, I don't think she should marry a jerk to have a baby, I think she could continue to wait for the right man and then hopefully she can have children then. Unfortunatly if that doesn't happen then she doesn't have children. I am a mom, I know the wonderful joy that it brings to my life and I want her to have that. However, I don't want her to have that at the expense of the child.



I have never wanted anything more than to be a wife and mother. I was in my 30's before I was married and there was a time I wasn't sure if it was going to happen for me. If it hadn't I would have been devistated but I would not have had kids on my own. I am sure that there would have been a part of me that would have been sad forever, but better that then selfishly bringing a child into the world to satify my needs and wants.



I am not saying I will not be her friend if she chooses to do this, I am saying that I have a hard time supporting this decision and struggle with this.

Lyndsay - posted on 04/27/2010

Well, its not your decision. Its her life and her child, and I personally don't see a problem with it. There are some single women who can provide a much better life for kids than some married couples.

Andrea - posted on 04/27/2010

Sorry, Rachael...your explanation didn't help. I still feel the same. Children need positive role models, not necessarily 2 parents.

Krista - posted on 04/27/2010

And, if your friend is going to do what she feels is right for her, regardless of what you say, then the ball is in your court.

Do you keep your opinions to yourself?

Or is your own sense of morality so overpowering that you're willing to risk your friendship over it?

Your call.

Krista - posted on 04/27/2010

Well then, maybe she'll go pick up some low-life douchebag at a bar and get knocked up and he'll marry her. Then everything will be wonderful, because children are ALWAYS happier when raised by a mom and a dad -- the relationship itself, or the quality of the parenting has absolutely nothing to do with it!

And there are plenty of women on here who could tell you that their daddies didn't exactly contribute towards their self-esteem...to say the least.

Yes, in an ideal world, every child has a loving, caring and supportive mother and father who will do their best to raise their child into a productive member of society.

But your black-and-white thinking implies that it is always better to have a father around, regardless of the actual character of said father. And I'm sorry, but there are a lot of kids out there who would have been a lot better off if Daddy had never been in the picture.

Would you rather she marry some asshat, who doesn't necessarily make her happy, just to give her baby a father and satisfy your demands?

Charlie - posted on 04/27/2010

Why would you want to deny her the greatest gift there is , sorry but if i was her and my friend told to me to NOT have a child , sorry i would feel your really less of a friend than you think .

Actually children need good male role models who can be a father figure and not necessarily a bio father , IMO its not any of your buisness and i think if you do choose to tell her otherwise you really are risking your friendship .

Rachael - posted on 04/27/2010

Wow! Not a single person seems to agree with me...I am even more discouraged than I was when I asked for the advice... Maybe if I explain???



While I comend single moms for doing the best they can when forced into that circumstance, I do not agree with single woman choosing to have children and raising them alone. Regardless of the popular opinion these days, it is a proven fact by any statistic you want to read and just plain commen sense that children are happier and healthier when raised by a mom and a dad. I am COMPLETLEY aware that there are dead beat parents out there and we are forced to do the best we can, but to choose it is not right. Children need fathers, this is not an opinion it a proven fact. Girls with fathers have a better self esteem and tend to choose partners that treat them well. Boys need a man to teach them how to be a man and how to treat women and provide for their families. One parent no matter how wonderful cannot provide everything their children need. I am not saying that children from a single parent household will not grow up to be good adults, but its like having them overcome a handicapp before they even start the race.



I know its her decision and she will do whatever she wants to do regardless of what I say. But this is not a difference of opinion that we have to agree to disagree on. This is a black and white, right or wrong decision and as her friend that loves her very much, I don't want her to make the wrong one.

Krista - posted on 04/27/2010

Oh Lee...now that's just mean. She may disagree with her friend, but I don't think she wants to subject her to cruel and unusual punishment.

Lee - posted on 04/27/2010

Tell her to see the movie with JLo... Back up plan...