allowing 13 yrs old girl to date...

JuLeah - posted on 03/09/2011

You are her parent, not her friend. I agree with you about the dating thing and have given it thought, even though my girl is just 9.
I think, and this is a work in progress, that I will spell out for myself that my concerns are with kids and dating .... and I will make sure the concerns are addressed.
Foe example, knowing your value, respecting your body, your time, your insticts. Knowing how to say NO and how to say yes. Understanding sexuality, not just the how tos of sex. Comfort with conversation. Knowledge about STD and other issues. Safety (date rape) safety with drinking and rape ... I will come up with more I am sure and but, when I feel she understands the issues as I want her too, when I feel we have talked about them ... when I feel she is empowered, feel she knows and can use her voice ... then she can date ....that might not all happen when she is 13, but it will give her something to do until she is ready :)

Cara - posted on 03/09/2011

We don't allow 'dating' in the normal sense of the word, as in 'going out alone with a boy'. We won't allow that until my girls are of a marriageable age.
We have discussed our expectations with our girls, and agree on how things are to be handled.
That said, my 14 yr old has a bf. However, there are certain things I spoke to him about, before letting him be around more. He understands that his relationship is to be with the whole family. He is 'big brother' to my 12 yr old, and as such, understands that his actions are going to teach her what to expect from a guy that wants to be in her life. :) I have noticed that as he more fully understands that, and loves little sis as a sister, he is even more careful to be a good role model for her. He also had to understand that he is to always preserve my daughters' (both of them) innocence. Also, boundaries that I set, he is to find ways to respect them, not get around them.
There are times that I have had to be really bold and address behaviors. It was uncomfortable! But, I handled it lovingly and tactfully with him. I realized that while I do address the same things with my daughter, and try to really listen to her heart, I don't tell her to tell him to change a behavior. I tell him, and make it his responsibility.
The biggest thing that I have noticed in my daughter, with this relationship, is that she understands that he is not 'her whole life'.
Our criteria for a bf is that he must be a godly young man. By having him involved with the family, and understanding that he is special friend, she sees what kind of person he is, and decides if he has a place in her life.
I don't want to provoke rebellion, on one hand, and don't want to be overly permissive on the other.
Our situation is very different! I don't think many boys would tolerate our rules, lol, especially never being alone with their girlfriend (for over a year now) but then, my daughter has really high expectations, and says those guys wouldn't be for her anyway. lol
**And for those of you who don't allow dating at all, bravo. That was my original plan. We did revise it because my daughter prayed that God would let her grow up knowing her husband. This young man is older than her, and determined to wait for her and marry her. Who knows?
That said, he told me, her, and every girl in our youth group very bluntly "All guys want sex. If he is a guy, he wants sex. There is NO reason for a guy to be alone with a girl, ever, unless he is trying to get what he wants. If he is a nice guy, he will keep his hormones in check, and be willing to hang with the family. And, no matter how nice he is, he is still a guy."

Bhavna - posted on 04/02/2010

Thanks a lot to all of u!!!!!!!! my conscience is very much eased. Thankfully though my daughter understands my view but I was wondering if I was doing right.. u all hv been very helpful.. If she really feels for someone I will definitely will be on her side in future though........ Thx again..

Debbie-Marie - posted on 04/01/2010

I have an 11 year old girl but my son is turning 14 next month. Since he has been in HS he has had alot of pressure to have a 'girlfriend'. The girls keep approaching him to 'go out' with him and he is not really interested. I explained to him that when you agree to go out with someone it means you like them and want to get to know them better - dont agree just to ease the pressure because someone will get hurt. By agreeing to 'go out' with someone does not mean you automatically love them either. At his HS boys ask girls out then dump them a week later with mean reasons which leave the girl devastated. So I think you should go with what your instincts say. You know the maturity and development of your daughter. Be aware of the pressure at her school and what games they may play - like 'nervous'. This is where the boy is goaded to run his hand across the girls arm, shoulder towards her breast until she says stop, the girl runs her hand up the inside of the boy leg until he says stop. They're pressured to hold hands, then its kiss. I am aware, also, that teenagers regularly participate in oral sex because they don't believe it is 'sex'.(I know children as young as 12 have performed oral sex). I have told my son school work is his priority, there is plenty of time for girlfriends when he has a job and can afford them!! This will also apply to my daughter and they are aware that I will not be running around after them for 'dates'.
I agree with alot of the other posts. Some of the kids just consider these relationships as close friendship, however my sons friend has had a girlfriend since last year and it is quite serious, so some do take it seriously and like to behave like adults regardless of their own maturity.
Talk to your daughter about your decision but let her know that it is not off the table completely. It can always be re-addressed in the future. Good luck.

Lyn - posted on 04/01/2010

My 12 year old had a boyfriend but didn't actually go out on any dates at night. The would hang around during the day and I thought that was fine. I didn't let any of my girls go out at night until at least 15 and I had to be sure they weren't wandering the streets as I feel that this behaviour is totally unacceptable

Lyndsay - posted on 04/01/2010

I also want to mention that our definition of "relationship" is a lot different than that of a 13 year old girl's. It's not like she's planning a wedding.

Lyndsay - posted on 04/01/2010

I just took a college course on adolescent psychology, so I'm going to share with you some of what I learned. Basically there are four developmental tasks that teenagers typically progress through on the road to adulthood. I say typically because not all of them are the same and sometimes not all the tasks are met. However.. here they are:

1. Physical maturity -- this would be like getting a period, or growing boobs, learning about proper hygiene and how to take care of oneself, etc.
2. Peer & heterosexual relationships -- (what you're talking about) basically friends and boyfriends/girlfriends.. it's like a trial and error process, I guess, to help them figure out what exactly they want from people of their age group who they want close to them, and eventually figure out what they want from a mate.
3. Independence -- learning how to be autonomous, self-sufficient, resourceful, etc. etc., all those things that will help greatly as an adult
4. Identity -- through exploration, they can learn "who" they really are and what they want from life

Typically, they are supposed to progress through these stages in order, although sometimes they overlap. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn't, but thats your textbook answer. Now on to my opinion. I think if your daughter is ready for it, let her go for it. Its your job as a parent to teach her how to make responsible and educated decisions, and it will benefit her in the long run if you give her some practice in doing so.

Teresa - posted on 04/01/2010

My girls are only 8, but they already know they aren't allowed to date til they are 16 and not have a boyfriend til they are 18. They agree w/ that for now (though they ARE boy crazy already), but we'll see what kind of battles I have when they are teens.....

Shannon - posted on 04/01/2010

My 12 year old has had a boyfriend and at this age it is as serious as him letting her bring his favourite football home for the night or him asking her to dance in the PE lessons at school where they are currently learning traditional dances. It is innocent and I have a close realtionship with her so she talks to me about it all. If you don't want her to date talk to her about it gently so she knows that she can talk to you. That way she won't rebel later and hide things from you

Crystal - posted on 04/01/2010

Your the mother it does not matter what their friends are doing....

Marcia - posted on 04/01/2010

I agree but they see their friends dating and they don't want to feel left out. I just told my kids, boys incuded, no dating until high school. That is when they have all the dances and might be asked by boys. I never drove them on dates before high school.

She will have to understand that you have her best interest and she might not understand the decisions you are making for her but always remember you love her and your decision is not to hurt her.

Just dont say no without an explanation. Let us know how it goes.

Jeniffer - posted on 04/01/2010

I agree I say 16

Tah - posted on 04/01/2010

o honey, i am a nurse and have not delivered a baby (not my thing..lol) but i have delivered more shots of rocephin to butts and hips of kids ages 11-18 then i can count and have also seen a 17 year old with 4 stds at once including HIV...call me what you want but it wont happen over here......

Tracy - posted on 04/01/2010

These days "dating" or "going out" usually doesn't mean what it did when we were that age. It usually means that a boy and a girl like each other and agree not to like someone else. "Dating" usually gives the girl the "right to toilet paper" the boy's house - lol- and gives the boy "bragging rights" with their buddies that they have a girlfriend. That's how they see it anyway. If this is what your daughter is talking about, it's pretty harmless. You can invite her little boyfriend over for dinner and a rented movie and keep your eye on the whole situation! If your daughter is thinking that dating is more about going places together and allows her to experiment with kissing and so on, then I would agree that 13 is too young, and you should stick to what you feel is right. It's not about being stuck up, it's about parenting.

Jackie - posted on 04/01/2010

I have a thirteen year old, and true dating is not even a possibility. I would let her go somewhere with a boy if I was with her. From what I've noticed, its usually not so much they want to date, as they want to look cool and mature in front of their friends. I agree with some of the other ladies. You are the parent, stick to what you feel is right. You may be glad you did. I know someone who is a nurse that said she helped deliver a 14 year old's baby!

Ava - posted on 04/01/2010

Tah Dula is absolutely right. You are the mom, so you help her make smart decisions.

Tah - posted on 04/01/2010

in the words of my mother.."i dont give a cat frazzle what your friends are doing you are my child and you do what i say."...you dont sound stuck up..you sound quite sensible and on the right track. my 13 year old niece is in a D cup and if some little boy likes her its not for her mind. stick with it.

Meg - posted on 04/01/2010

Does your daughter want to date? I have an almost 13 year old who does not really want to date yet but I think if she really wanted to I would allow it but under my rules maybe go to the movies or something similar with me close by. I have thought about this when she had a boy ask her to the movies but she did not end up going she changed her mind because her girl friend that was meant to come too could not make it. I suggested that I sit in the theatre but not with them and I asked her to have a friend join them so they were not totally alone. I would let her have a boy at our house but not meet up elsewhere. It is something that your daughter has to decide if she wants to firstly and then you make the rules regarding when where what etc. I agree that they need friends of both sexes and that is why I would have let her if she really wants to. Just be open and honest I think that helps and it also helps her feel like you are not just mum but a friend as well.

Ava - posted on 04/01/2010

You are right! I dont care what those other kids are doing. Those kids don't know what a relationship is at that age. If she feels left out, the only thing I would say is to try to fill that social void in her life with family activities. Give her so much love and affection and time that she doesn't miss a little boyfriend that will break her heart. They have enough time to get their heart broken when they older. Stick to your guns, and explain to her why you think it's so important to not rush into being older than she is. Good Job Mom!