am i a bad mom for letting my daughter cry?

Racheal - posted on 01/20/2010 ( 28 moms have responded )

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my daughter is 8 months old and when i put her down for nap or for bed she cries i say night night give her a kiss and walk out. she cries for about 10 mins before she falls asleep and i feel so bad when shes crying it makes me feel like a bad mom.

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Angel - posted on 07/15/2013

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It's perfectly fine. She needs to understand that, while you will take care of her, you have more to do than just take care of her. The sooner she gets that (yes a baby can understand such things), the sooner she will be a well rounded person. You are doing exactly what you ought to: raising her how YOU feel is best. Keep it up! She will be fine.

Ryan - posted on 07/15/2013

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My 71/2 month old is the same way. I hate it that people will say crying can cause brain damage. Colicky babies cry for hours and they turn out just fine. It's all in your style of parenting. I also have a 2 year old so I don't have the luxury of time to rock the baby to sleep. I do love it when he goes down without a peep, it's the highlight of my day :)

Beth - posted on 01/20/2010

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Oh your a good mom, 10 min is really very normal amount of crying time, sometimes it takes longer. Remember crying is just her form of communication, she's not hurting just mad cause its bedtime.

Krystal - posted on 01/20/2010

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Nope she's fine honey. If you know all her needs are met it ownt hurt at all. I do the exact same thing. The fact your teaching her to self settle is so beneficial for her x

Elissa - posted on 01/20/2010

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You are not a bad mum - you are doing what you think is best for your baby, therefore no one could ever call you a bad mum!

However, you and most of the women who have written are under some misapprehensions. Letting babies cry was invented in the 50s as a method of control. The cortisol produced in the brain hinders development. It doesn't help lungs develop - crying tenses muscles and is more likely to hinder muscle development.

Crying it out is a late 20th century western farbrication with no evidence base that is only espoused by people who haven't looked at the facts - including lots of doctors - but which does have massive neurological and psychological implications whether you allow it for 10 mins or longer, the hormones are being produced and negative feedback will take some time to kick in so belated soothing if they continue crying actually doesn't work in biochemical terms.

None of you are bad mums, but you have been lied to and given false expectations by people who don't know what they are talking about. There are lots of other techniques for soothing babies to sleep, some take longer in the initial stages but work better in the long run. If you choose not to go with them, just remember you do everything for your baby's good, not your own convenience. You are a good mum - never doubt it. Good luck x

[deleted account]

I use to feel the same way until I came up with a simple solution for the two of us.....music at bed time. All I did was take a few classical songs that were soothing and play them for her. She would cry for them at the beginning then eventually she would settle down and watch the light show that went with her music player. Now we are up to Mickey Mouse, Dora the Explorer and other children songs plus one or two of her favorite classical songs. Worked wonders for my peace of mind when we would let her cry it out.....CIO was the only way I could get some sleep because I had to work in the morning and DH was already asleep by then...refused to get up with her once he was in bed.

Medic - posted on 01/20/2010

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Your not a bad mom at all!! You are teaching her how to rely on herself to go to sleep and alot of babies don't like that at first or if they are how my son was he was so worried that something was going to happen while he was asleep. I remember him going threw phases where he would go down fine for a while then he would fight it a bit. Now at 3 he just crys sometimes because he doesn't want to stop playing to sleep.

Theresa - posted on 01/20/2010

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No, you're not a bad mom. She already has figured out how to make you feel guilty. She will eventually stop doing it as she figures out that the crying isn't going to get her way.

Karen - posted on 01/20/2010

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not a chance! my son is four months old and he does the same thing sometimes. if you know there's nothing wrong with her and it doesn't go on for long then there's no problems! it could be just her way of figuring out how to sooth herself to sleep. she'll stop eventually. (i look after many babies and they all did this for a while. eventually they all outgrew it)

[deleted account]

no way!! a baby needs to learn to self sooth i hated doin it with mine but after so long they just didnt cry no more...my youngest did that when he went to bed at night after he would come home from his fathers and i would take him out of bed hold him for about 5 min then put him back..pretty uch tellin him its time to sleep..we have our bed time routine too now...hes 16 months now and him and his older brother take there bath together. (i blame that on my mom lol) the get there jammies we watch a half hour of tv together they brush there teeth...i put the baby in his bed bring jaiden to his bed say good night love u and i hear NOTHING anymore....but my neice is 8 months old too and she does the same and my brothers g/f took a while but she does let her cry now i told her she has to or she will expect u to run to her every time she makes a noise and shes gettin better

Alison - posted on 01/20/2010

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You are a not a bad mom. She cries because she knows that the fun time is over and she is protesting. I had a hard time dealing with bedtime crying so I sat beside the crib until he fell asleep, every few days I moved closer to the door. Now when I tuck him in and kiss him goodnite, he goes right to sleep without any fuss. He also has a blanket and the same stuffed dino every night.

Courtney - posted on 01/20/2010

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NOOO!!!! sometimes it is the best thing for them to "self soothe" My daughter is 7 months old and if there is nothing I can do to make her happy I just let her cry. No point in me stressing myself out and getting all upset over something I cant fix

Amy - posted on 01/20/2010

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no that is not being a bad mom at all.... it is good to let them cry, it builds their lungs and it makes them more independent, they learn to go to bed on their own, and it ends up being more time for mommy time. i have done the same for my four children. it got to where i would just put them into their crib and they would go to sleep without a fight. :)

Candice - posted on 01/20/2010

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its fine! :) i let my son cry himself to sleep sometimes because he is one of those babies who fights it. as long as your childs needs are met before you put her down , its a perfectly acceptable thing to do

Joy - posted on 01/20/2010

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You are not a bad mom at all. You have taken care of all of her needs and she does need to sleep. She is falling asleep, and I do know that it does kill to her your child do that,but it will help her develop good sleep habits later on in life. My oldest child was extremely colicky (screamed from 8 pm to 2 am every night) til he was about 1. The doctors said to do what I could for him and then after that just let him cry and sooner or later he would fall asleep.

Tanya - posted on 01/20/2010

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no its perfectly fine i let my son cry at night if i know he is not hungry sick or anything else wrong he putsh imself back to sleep. hence why i have a baby who sleeps thru the night!!!

HANNAH - posted on 01/20/2010

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Ha, I've let my 2 year old cry much longer than that (not with out checking on him of course), but as long as they are not hurting, its nothing more than a tantrum because they are not getting what they think they want. You know what's best and that's what you're doing. Good for you for not giving in!

Susan - posted on 01/20/2010

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no, that sounds right.when MY daughter was that age tho...she wouldnt just stop after 10 minutes!! she would build up and get mor upset one time i let her cry for like 20 minutes and she was just All worn out and extra upset and i felt SO bad for even tryin to let her "wear" herself out that i never did again for more than 10 minutes. I think at that age for some.. that is the longest that can work.I always wanted her to know i would come for her and was near.

Christina - posted on 01/20/2010

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your doing the right thing. she will get over it and its healthy to be able to fall asleep on her own.

Lyneen - posted on 01/20/2010

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No way!! Letting her cry is a blessing and making her not turn out like a spoiled brat...haha! ... like I tell everyone, babies cry... its what they do! as long as they are fed, changed and not hurt no worries

Megan - posted on 01/20/2010

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Nope I have a 10 minute limit so that is good you only let her cry for 10 minutes. Be ready though to get some people telling you that you are a bad mom because there are a lot of people on here that don't think that it is right and will voice their opinion. You are a great mom! Mommy is suppose to do what is best you your baby and you are getting to know your daughter and how she works! Good Job! I wish my son would do that but he will just keep crying and crying until I rock him to sleep. Eventually your daughter will just stop crying when you lay her down and know its time for her to sleep and may talk a little but then fall asleep without crying!

Chelsea - posted on 01/20/2010

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no, ur lucky though that she does. lol. i cant do it, my daughter will keep it up.. and i feel bad trying to do that, ebcause sheonce cried sooooo hard while iw as trying ito get things done around the house, she gave her self a bloody nose.. now thats when one feels like a crappy mom.. so i dont do that to her anymore. she's got me wrapped around her tiny finger like no other. i cant stand the noise of crying, and now she SCREAMS asap. so i do my best to not let her cry or get to the point of screaming. so i would just consider your self lucky. sometimes you have to do what you got to do. but maybe to help her fall asleep sooner, it worked for my step mom with my little brother, was to vacuum, even my baby stops and just sits there to listen, since your daughter falls asleep at all, maybe she'll go to sleep faster?

Rebecca - posted on 01/20/2010

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It also helps to build up their lungs. Even at 8 months all of their organs are still developing and crying and screaming helps to make their lungs stronger.

Jessica - posted on 01/20/2010

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I don't think your a bad mom. I understand how you feel whenever I let my baby cry I feel the same way. Just remember right now crying is their only from of communication.

Sara - posted on 01/20/2010

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You're definitely not a bad mom! Kids need to learn things at different ages, and by 8 months old she needs to learn how to fall asleep on her own. Some babies seems to need to blow off some steam before they fall asleep, and we found that going back into the room just upset our baby more and prevented him from falling asleep. When we finally left him on his own, it only took a few minutes for him to fall asleep, and he's a happier and more rested baby now (and we're happier and more rested parents). Here's a good analogy - when your baby cries in the carseat do you take her out and hold her... of course not and that doesn't make you a bad mom!

[deleted account]

no your not a bad mom sometimes you have to let your child cry it out when it comes to sleeping, its not like you just let her cry because you dont want to play with her your doing it to set a sleeping routine where she can go to sleep by herself, but my son ped told me that you shouldnt let a 8 month old cry longer then 15 mins at a time but your also not supossed to pick her back up when you do go in after the 15 mins just rub her head or back or belly, stay strong its very hard we all no that an it should only be like that for a week or so

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2010

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no not at all!!! u r doin the best thing ui can trust me with my 1st i couldnt out him down at 8 months lol its natural ur daughter crying makes u feel bad but trust me wen i say u r doin great honestly thats best thing to do leave them to cry n its not bein a bad mum thats being a great mum, also she dont cry for long at all, i have a 5 yr old and a 11 week old n he cries every time i put him down for a sleep, sum times for half hour i just go in every 5 - 10 mins to sooth him then leave agen :) trust me u r doin great well done :)

Rebecca - posted on 01/20/2010

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ABSOLUTELY NOT! You are not a bad mom at all. My son was like that for a while. He'd fuss for a bit at bed time but I would just kiss him good night say mommy loved him turn on his music and shut the door. He would only fuss for about 5-10 minutes and he'd be out. He didnt always fuss and it didnt last more than a couple months. (We were having a transition in our living situation so that could have had something to do with it). Hope this helped ya!

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