Am I a prude or can there be a happy ending? (lust/porn issues)

Bobbi - posted on 04/13/2012

Hi



This is my first post, I have been looking for info regarding porn and such. I think there are a couple of issues. One is the appearance of secrecy. Secondly, we have to respect our partners boundaries. Online porn is a relatively new venture, so really we are naive to assume it's okay. There is growing evidence that online porn is a gateway to more behaviors. It is something you are uncomfortable with, and frankly that should be respected.



I have some major experience with this ladies. My husband started looking at porn about ten years ago now and it has had a drastic effect on our sex life. Hate to quote him, but dr. Phil basically said, that if he cannot share it with you or it damages your relationship, then it is cheating. My husband said it was convenient and less energy. Problem is we basically lost our sex life. I just found out 4 months ago now that he has used the services of an escort on 2 separate occasions. Was willing to work on things, but just found out he is using porn again. Seems to me that he should be putting his energy towards Us rather than his immediate selfish needs. Ultimately that is what I think, porn is selfish and too easy and available



Oh my husband's excuse about the latest discovery? Said we are probably not going to have sex for a while so he took care of his own needs. That is my point, his needs. I said well why are you putting energy towards something that is not real. Fact is, it feels like he is cheating on me now. Why shouldn't his sex life be affected after what has happened. So disappointed

Tyrae - posted on 12/31/2010

I felt exactly the same way until I realized that I would rather him be watching porn than going out and getting his fix physically with another woman, (he never has but its always a possibility in this day and age). And since I came to realize that it hasn't bothered me as much. The only thing that bothers me is that he tries and hides it, I'll walk in on him watching it and he'll freak and try and turn it off before I see it, but I know.

Renae - posted on 12/31/2010

I have not read the other posts, and I might get pummelled for this, but here goes...

Firstly, you need to understand that women and men think about this issue very differently. I am not by any means sticking up for him, and he should not be breaking his promises to you - nor should he be making promises he does not intend to keep - but, I want to you to understand something...

His watching porn or looking at pictures of an actress HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! He is not comparing you, he is not judging you, he has no emotion or feelings towards these images. Women inject emotion into things like watching porn, and it is that emotion that upsets us - to a man it is just a movie, it is entertainment, it is sensory stimulation. In research, men liken their reasons for watching porn to watching fighting or graphic bloody murderous war movies - they do it because it is entertaining, nothing more.

However, what your husband needs to understand is that you are in a sensitive place right now. Your husband continues to watch it because he does not for a second understand why it upsets you or how it makes you feel - and most men say that the more we try to explain it to them, the more confused they get! Men do not attach emotion to things in the same way we do. What your husband needs to understand is that you are feeling oversensitive right now, and that it takes strength for you to cope with his porn watching, and you do not have that strength right now. They need to understand that there is nothing we can do to stop this hurting - the only thing we can do is toughen up and cope with it - once he understands that he will realise what he is asking of you and how it affects you.

I hope all of this made sense and helps somehow :)

Brittany - posted on 12/31/2010

I don't think your prude at all. I find pron discusting. It has luckily never been a problem with my husband. I have had problems with boyfriends; both of whom claimed it was because I wouldn't have sex... (they knew before going out that there wasn't going to be any). It was why one of the relationships failed.

Honestly it drives me insane that as a lifeguard my husband was see half naked women all day. At his last job some would even go as far as to tell him to divorce me and go out with them! I know I can trust him, honestly if he watched porn, I wouldn't.

Tiffany - posted on 12/31/2010

Im NOT pregnant. I have a one year old little boy, and I am a stay at home mom. My husband works nights in 12 hr shifts. While hes working, Im raising our son, cooking, cleaning and running our household. If after a long night of working for him, and a long day for me as well, he came home to watch porn, Id be very upset. VERY!! I understand where your coming from. I have seen women on my computer before that he has "googled", and it hurts. Maybe Im a bit insecure, but the girls are always real busty and long brown hair. Well Im a blond with size B breasts!! So, am I not good enough? Thats the thoughts that go through my head. My husband and I are in counseling (for many other reasons) and its going very well. If I brought up this situation to our counselor, she would tell me that the way I feel always comes back to one thing, he doesnt love me. If he loved me, he wouldnt need any other women, and someone that loves me wouldnt want to hurt me, so does he love me? Its a large on going cycle that seems to never end. I dont have answers for you, and Im sorry. But i would definetely confront him. You dont need this stress in your life, right now especially. It seems to be eating you up, and that isnt good. Talk it out!! GOOD LUCK and Congrats on the baby!!

Noel - posted on 12/30/2010

The bottom line here is that you are esentially giving up a year or more of your life, health, and well being to bring your husband's child into this world, and the least he can do is support you and your needs in every way possible. Once the baby is born, and you are out of those early, difficult months, you need to decide what is negotiable and non-negotioable for you in your relationship with him, and hopefully he will be willing to find a common ground with you. But especially right now, he needs to make you happy and support you.

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2010

I've said this before on CoM but I'll say it again. Women have their own form of socially acceptable porn, it's called the romance novel or romance epic movie. Not every woman is really into that but I bet every one of them had taken a look see.

Let me ask? Do you ever daydream about your favourite movie couple and their relationship? You ever read Danielle Steele or even Janet Evanovich-there's a lot of sex in those books. The only difference is that women tend to be less visual when it comes to stimulation.

If you did ever do those things, did you love your husband less for it? Of course not. It's fantasy, it's not real. You wouldn't want it if you had it in front of you in real life.

Savannah - posted on 12/30/2010

Hey I have a few things that I can share email me some time to savannahculp87@gmail.com I think I can explain it to you but rather not share with all

Savannah - posted on 12/30/2010

I'm there with you girl! I was having the same problem and when I got pregnant it got worse for me! I told him I would rather you look at porn then to cheat on me! One time I seen a tone of look up and I asked him WoW really you had to do it that many times what was wrong with having sex with me? He said No I only did it once for a guy to really enjoy ( well at least me) I need to see more then one its not nearly as good as doing it with you trust me I just get in my moments were i need it and your not around. I have also noticed that the more I had sex with him the less he looks. Now i know with all the problems you have that it wasn't able to happen don't worry wait till you get back to normal :) I can tell you they always say that if you nurse that you are less wanting to have sex its true but and be solved push your self to want it for like a week or so and trust me it helps bring it all back. But your not a prude in any way your a girl! And thats just how we are! I hope all goes well with you two! And congrats on your up coming baby!

Rachel - posted on 12/30/2010

First of all, I would like to say, think about your unborn child and try not to stress about the small things at this time. I totally agree with you that your husband should be there to console you, rub your tummy and just be at your beck and call, but some men can't be sensitive like that and maybe it has a lot to do with his upbringing, and not having the respect for that important woman in his life. Porn can be something that two people in love share, or it can be an obsession, which is not good. His family should be the most important thing to him right now. You have been through some tough times with the miscarriage, but find your inner strength and focus on the positive and eventually the negatives will be a thing of the past. You are about to give birth and that is the most precious gift that GOD could give us as women. Be blessed.

Tiffanie - posted on 12/30/2010

I didn't read all of the posts but I saw a lot of people think that you may be over-reacting due to hormones. I have always felt the same way you do. It started with my high school boyfriend and has stuck with me through adulthood and marriage. I don't even like to watch it as a couple. I feel jealous of it too and if I ever found it on the computer searches I would cry as well and I felt betrayed. I have thought that maybe I over react but I am who am I am. As far as leaving because of it....remember he is your husband and you will have a child together....I would go to counseling before leaving. Maybe there he will be able to have a more open mind to your feelings ans respect them more....and maybe you can get to the root of why you have those feelings as well. Good luck.

Blessing - posted on 12/30/2010

take it from someone who watches porn it has absolutely nothing to do with whether your partner satisfies u or not. and i honestly think we have all been guilty of looking at pictures of celebrities, its not like he's even going to talk to her or even see her.

Debby - posted on 12/30/2010

Porn is bad very very bad. You think its ok to watch so is it ok to make. maybe one of your kids can grow up to be a porn star. sorry but those are somebodies kids in those movies. You feel bad about it because it is wrong. Porn is wrong for so many reasons. It is unnatural it is a perversion of the natural. Your husband already said he feels like he can't stop. The good new is I think down deep he knows it is wrong and I think he really wants to quit. I myself don't believe in judging others but you already know it is wrong for you. Hormones or no hormones you made the decision a long time ago that this was not right for you. I can't believe no one else has agreed with me that porn is bad. I mainly just want to say that you are not wrong to feel the way you feel. You get to decide what is right and wrong for you and your family. If everyone else was jumping off a bridge...? If it makes you feel this way it is wrong for you.

Teri - posted on 12/30/2010

Allison... I should have used a less inflammatory word than 'addiction' in my initial response. Please forgive me for creating a firestorm for you. A better word would have been 'compulsion', specifically something he is compelled to do even though it hurts you. Our culture tells him that it is a perfectly acceptible activity, but it isn't working within the context of this marriage. I think the advice that you've recieved here (to relax and set this aside until after your child is born), is very good. Eventually, you'll need to work this out, perhaps with the help of a trained professional, but this may not be the best time for that.

Bek - posted on 12/30/2010

Allison, I think this is a subject you should discuss with a professional. Either a pastor (or preferred religious leader, if you have one,)and/or a therapist. He would be able to assess the situation and help you find a solution that will work for both of you, and sometimes, like when hormones are raging, it helps to have a mediator to help you work things out without all the intense arguing that can come from this sort of thing. I've experienced problems of this sort in my own life and know of some good therapists depending on where you are in the world.

Teresa - posted on 12/30/2010

It doesn't matter what the issue is about. If it bothers you and he doesn't respect that.... the porn is just a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. For me w/ my ex... it was alcohol (not the reason he's my ex, but one of the red flags). He made a promise to me before we were even engaged and then broke that promise once our girls were toddlers and started claiming that the conversation where he made the promise never even took place.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you.

Jackie - posted on 12/30/2010

OK, I get that you're feeling insecure and all that jazz because he looks at porn and he's your husband. But, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. He's right, he's married to you but dead or blind. It's human nature to find the opposite sex attractive.



Men just don't think like we do, they just don't. While we may think 'hey, I could really use some emotional support right now', they're thinking about the football and cannot figure for the life of them what in the hell we're so pissed off about.



Men are visual creature. They also have an actual physical NEED to "release" every now and then whereas we can go a lifetime without if we had to. Also, sometimes, men just need to "release" without having to worry about pleasing us or talking to us. They just want to get it over with sometimes. It's no more or no less than that. It's hard for us to understand because we are 2 totally different creatures and just aren't wired that way.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/30/2010

Well put Joanna, this is not an additiction. Lets not put fear into this already worried mommy to be. She has such wonderful things to look forward to. Porn is just porn. Most woment don't even know that the husband uses it. Pretty soon you are going to be in labour. Focus on how to deal with that...who is going to be there to support you, make sure you have a few names, things like that. You should be focusing your energy on the baby.

Ashley - posted on 12/30/2010

I have to say I don't think he is addicted, to a man they term the whole thing as a tool, it is not the same as having that intimate time with their partner. Although I can admit there have been times when it has hurt my feelings as well, and to be honest men just don't think like that. Sometimes they get it out of their system so when they are their laying next to you while your in pain they are focused on you and not on ripping your clothes off. Believe me I do get it and am seriously self conscious when I am pregnant but they do deserve some understanding too, there is no when for them to empathize with us, they just have to try to cope with all the changes the best they can just like we do.

Firebird - posted on 12/29/2010

Ok I didn't want to respond a second time to this thread but I really can't help myself. Allison says "While I was in bed for the first 2 agonizing months of my pregnancy he was watching porn again." then she says "Here I am 37 weeks pregnant.....and I find some searches again but this time it wasn't porn" 8 weeks to 37 weeks... that's a large gap between viewings and the latest isn't even porn! This is not an addiction she's dealing with. If it were addiction, those pictures would have been porn and it would have happened a hell of a lot sooner than this! Don't go freaking her out with a worst case scenario! It is not necessary! A porn addict will not go 29 weeks without looking at it, nor would he look at a fully clothed actress to get his fix! That would be less than a cheap imitation to the real thing, and that wouldn't be good enough. I know addiction. I was raised by addicts, I have been friends with addicts I have tried to save addicts and I have been an addict. It's causing her grief and should be dealt with but it is not a problem of addict-sized magnitude. Please stop throwing this word out so lightly!

Trina - posted on 12/29/2010

This appears to be addiction that you are dealing with. If your feelings are urt you have every right to be hurt. Your feelings are valid. I think you allmay need to seek some counseling or a mediator to assist you all with handling it.

Amanda - posted on 12/29/2010

I don't think he should be doing this....I mean once in awhile if he were to gaze at a porn site okay no big deal. But to go the extra mile to look up an actress online? That's not really right. You deserve to have his sole support and he should be with you comforting you during this very stressful time for you guys. It's his soon to be child as well! He should be doing everything in his power to make sure you're happy and comfortable and not just for your sake but the baby's as well! I am sorry you are going through this but all I can say is hang in there and keep your head up. Your baby should be your sole focus at this time, and keeping baby healthy is your priority. F the porn! Lol

Aura - posted on 12/29/2010

I don't feel like this is an over-reaction. I would feel the same way if it were my husband. I also disagree with the women who say, "men will be men and men watch porn." This is not true and a real generalization that carries over from a time when men and women had certain "roles" to fill. Men can be just as monogamous as any woman. Case in point, my husband and I had been dating since we were 17. When he turned 19 his friends wanted to take him to a strip club (19 is the legal drinking age in Canada). I told him he could go because I didn't want him to spend his life thinking about it or wanting it without knowing what it is. Of course, I had my conditions on the matter, as in it was a one time only deal. He decided he had no interest whatsoever in going. He doesn't look at porn, doesn't need it as he feels I fulfill him.

So, you see, men don't 'need" porn, it's silly to compromise your feelings on the matter because "every guy does it". If you feel disrespected, tell him so. If he doesn't listen, get counseling. If counseling doesn't work... well, the next step would be up to you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/29/2010

Some things I have learned in life, the sun rose today, and set, I love coffee, and men watch porn. Maybe ask him to be more discreet about it rather than tell him what he can and cannot do. Men watch porn. So many woment tell them not too, but they are there own person and can do as they want. Men watch porn, and some women get pissed. It is ok to get pissed at men watching porn. But they will still watch porn. LOL.

Rebecca - posted on 12/29/2010

I think worrying about porn is not the relationship problem, it's all the other stuff you mentioned about emotional issues you've had. Porn is just a symptom.

At this point, you might feel like you are a mother monitoring a teenage boy and shaming him about his dirty mags or something. I don't have an issue with porn but other issues bring out the nagging mom in me. This never seems to work. The more you insist, the more your SO backs away and acts exactly like you are treating...a whinging teen. Not only that but the anxiety I'm seeking to relieve, you know that my fiance doesn't really love me, isn't sensitive to my desires...gets worse. So, I asked my mom about it, she told me to take myself out of the equation. She said, if I didn't play the nagging mother he'd have nothing to rebel against. She said to just say, I love you and I'd love to fill in the blank with you (mine is spending time together, you could say..I'd love to spend more intimate time with you or our intimate time is very special to me) but I trust you to make your own decisions. Don't use any judgement, surrender. That's what a lot of men want to know, that you trust them to make the decision about things like porn, other couple argument subjects. Honestly, things have improved a great deal and I'm now in a more powerful position. I don't have to invest in every decision he makes having to prove something and he makes the decision himself to spend more time with me...it's not forced. Cause that's what you really want right? For him not to want to do it...well, he will never figure out that he might not want to if he has nothing to rebel against.

And hey, men dig porn. I've never really known one who didn't take a look once and awhile. I doesn't mean he loves you less or you are not a worthy partner.

Allison - posted on 12/29/2010

Thank you Joanna, that's very good advice. She's coming so soon I guess i'm in panic mode trying to make things all perfect between me and him before she gets here.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the replies and different opinions. I have a bad habit of dissecting things to death when really I should just take it as it is and not worry about why or what if. Pesky hormones :/

Firebird - posted on 12/29/2010

Teri, watching porn now and then isn't enough to call it an addiction. If she caught him watching it several times a week, that would be a different story. The OP hasn't mentioned that he gets mad at her for bringing it up in conversation... which an addict would. Him telling her that he can't seem to stop once he starts, was probably just the first excuse that came to his mind. If he were an addict he wouldn't admit that he can't stop. Allison, as long as porn isn't replacing sex, then you really don't have anything to worry about. Yes, it's not cool for him to disrespect your feelings like this, but your hormones probably are just making you more sensitive to it than you normally would be. Men often have a hard time communicating emotion, and after your last miscarriage, he's probably been scared that this pregnancy wouldn't last either. When men are afraid, they tend to detach themselves. Which would explain why he was on the computer when he could have been cuddling with you. It's quite possible that he's been too afraid to get attached to the new baby before it's actually born. Pictures have probably just been something to help pass the time until he's ready to go to sleep. My advice: don't let it bother you right now. Ignore it until you're "more emotionally able to react in a sane way".You're not doing yourself or your baby any good by stressing out over it. Wait until the baby's born and give your hormones a chance to even out, and then discuss with your husband how all of this has made you feel and how you would like him to be more respectful in the future.

Allison - posted on 12/29/2010

Thank you for your honesty Blessing, but can you explain to me why i'm overreacting? I mean that in a nice way too, not snarky, i'm honestly trying to better myself and react in a better way. I feel like I should be this upset because in my mind he is married to me and he should put me first right now. If we weren't married maybe i'd feel differently but I can't be sure. I figure if it's ok for one wife but it's not ok for me, why is that? What is it that's ok for him to go that extra mile to look at a woman he finds attractive when he's not some single guy, he's married. He's had years to do so and then made a choice to marry and settle for one woman. Where is this need coming from and why am I not enough to fill it? Those are the things that keep running through my head. I probably sound ridiculous to some but i'm just being honest so I can get some advice and different outlooks on the situation that i'm too upset to access on my own.

Blessing - posted on 12/29/2010

u are over reacting but i don't blame you. i think like everyone said its your hormones. just try calm down and explain to him how it makes you feel instead of just raging and being angry because hes more likely to understand that way.

Allison - posted on 12/29/2010

Thank you Lissa, I think I may actually be more hurt at the fact that he isn't putting it all aside while i'm a mess and hormonal and need him. I guess I feel I deserve more right now. I will write him an email, that's a good idea. At least then I can get my thoughts and emotions straight and maybe we can get down to the real problem instead of just my hormonal break downs.

Lissa - posted on 12/29/2010

I think you are being particularly sensitive to it at the moment because your hormones are raging. When pregnant and after you have a baby many women feel so different they think that their husbands are finding everything and anyone more attractive. I think you should write down for him how you feel (to avoid emotionally charged conversation), once he has read it talk.
From his point of view he may have difficulty viewing you as a sexual person right now because you are about to be a mother, many men find it difficult to separate gorgeous wife from mother of their child, it confuses them and lets face most men are easily confused :)
You are not a prude, you are a woman who is hurt and needs reassurance, he needs to respect that and stop looking at it for a while.
When you do feel more secure I think you will also realise what's he's looking at is just some fun, it isn't reflective of his feeling for you, some men just like porn and like it alone.

Allison - posted on 12/29/2010

Teri, i'm not saying him looking at the pics means he's looking at porn again, what I meant was I reacted as if he were. Logically it isn't nearly as bad as looking at porn so I was surprised that I reacted in the same way as if he was again. I'm very confused about my emotions and about his intentions and reasons behind the picture viewing. I guess just all in all i'm a little overwhelmed with emotion and it's hard to sort out what's right and wrong anymore. I'd hate for him to resent me for being upset about something I shouldn't be upset about but i'd also hate for him to think it's ok to do something that hurts me.

Teri - posted on 12/29/2010

First, it seems that you're assuming that the images you've just found truly point to your husband's continued use of porn. You may want to consider the possibility that he wasn't seeking sexual gratification at the time he was viewing them, and has given it up.

Assuming that this is not the case, and he is continuing to use, then it is possible that what you're facing here is an addiction.

Your husband clearly understands that his behavior is hurtful to you, and yet is either unable or unwilling to stop. The situation would be no different if he were abusing alcohol or gambling. When our use of these things gets in the way of healthy relationships, when we're unable to control our impulses for the sake of the people we love, then we are addicted.

The fact that many couples use porn to enhance their intimacy isn't terribly relevant. Your husband apparently isn't interested in that sort of use. This is something he keeps to himself, and may be ashamed of. He's probably also a little resentful that you have a problem with it.

It is perfectly understandable that his use of porn is emotional painful to you, and I'm not trying to diminish that one bit. I would like to suggest that you try to set that aside so you can help your husband, and your marriage. Find a marriage counselor who has experience with sexual addiction, and go by yourself if your husband won't go with you. No, you don't need to just "buck up" and accept porn use if it hurts you. Make room for the possibility that he has stopped using for your sake. And if he hasn't, get help.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/29/2010

I do not think you are a prude, I think your hormones are RAGING out of control! I was a complete and total sensitive freak about anything my hubby did, or didn't do for that matter before my kids were born. I use to have the same exact feelings as you, watch with me...fine, watch alone...your cheating on me in some weird way. I just eventually got over it, and realized that is not what he was doing. He used it for a couple of minutes, then got back to his real life, real wife, real kids. No biggy to me anymore, but I can completely understand. Now when I find the sights he has been browsing..I usually laugh...or get turned on....lol. I always tell him I found them..usually "solo again huh?" Don't be so hard on yourself right now. You are almost at the end....when you are holding your beautiful baby in your arms, you are not going to care about this....atleast for a little while ;)

Angie - posted on 12/29/2010

Your feelings are your feelings and should always be respected. You are not a prude, you are who you are.