Am i bad for wanting time by myself?

Kimberley - posted on 05/11/2009 ( 101 moms have responded )

40

20

7

my partner works 20hrs or so a week. while i watch our 2 children at home. they dnt go to any nursery as i cant afford it.

is it wrong that when the weekend comes along i want to spend it by myself to do what i want?? my partner makes me feel bad, and his parents hardly ever look after kids so i end up going into the bedroom for majority of day to unwind but he ends up following me with 1 of the kids....

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Wendy - posted on 05/13/2009

1

7

0

Not at all! We all need time away from our children. It doesn't mean that you don't love your children. It sound like you and your partner need to have some time for both of you to have time to yourselves. Although I think the entire weekend is an unrealistic expectation, you need to work together and figure out a schedule that give both of you time to yourselves. If you can't find someone to look after the children, then maybe on Saturday you would get some time and Sunday your parter does. It's all about sharing and 50/50. You both decided to have children, so work out some time when each of you have time without the children, then don't forget to plan some family time with the children. God Bless you and I hope this helps.

[deleted account]

You need time for yourself. Watching young kids is completely energy and mentally draining and if you want to maintain your sanity, you need your own time and space. You shouldn't feel guilty about it and if someone tries to make you feel guilty, it is wrong.



I love my 2 kids, but there are times when I need to have some quiet time, whether it be reading, watching TV, going shopping.



Speak frankly with your partner about how you feel withing laying any blame on him or getting angry. Tell him that it helps you to recoup your good spirits and for your well-bing. Have food prepared for him and the kids so that it makes things easier when you are out.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

101 Comments

View replies by

Jessica - posted on 08/11/2011

547

0

2

nope. your not bad. I know what you mean. For me, thats what walking the dog after they go to bed, and getting the chores done quickly(but still well) in time for me to nap(or take time for my own activities... or just a bath) when the boys go down for their nap. I am fortunate they both nap either 1 long one, or 2-3 small naps(depending on what cycle int heir growth they are in), so I manage to recharge somewhat.

If I don't recharge, I get irritable. If I get irritable, they pick up on it and so do they. then we just end up in a frustrated clusterfucked mess of frustration. nope. easier to just take a few minutes of "mommy time out". In fact, the other day, I was tireed because my youngest is teathing and I have been rushing about to prep, and soothe him so he can feel better, and my oldest, came out of bed, tested my rules (a usual thing) to make sure they have not changed, pulled up a chair, and climbed in the play pen. I was surprised. He took a pillow with him too and said "Momma Ime UT" (mamma time out), "Me seepy. Mama ing a gt canky."(Me sleepy. momma going to get cranky".. for those of you who don't speak "Rowaneese") I was so flabbergasted. He had had breakfast, played, and the normal morning stuff(it was close to his usual nap-time too) and was telling me that since I was tired, and he was tired, that "I" needed to take "me time" to sleep.

After everything we have been through in recent time... it was nice to be told that. It makes me worry about him even more but... it was nice. he's a good, sweet child.

sorry. got distracted by warm fuzzies of love.

My point in telling you this is, that sooner or later, your kids are going to realize that when you are sleepy and they are sleepy, or when you are overwhelmed and they are overwhelmed, that it's best for everyone to "take a nap" and they will get all kinds of sweet on you.

I have to admit though... that was so cute and considerate of him. It is past midnight and I am about to go to bed, but for some reason just thinking about it makes me wanna go squeeze him and hug him... but I must wait till morning to give him hugs. Man o man I love my kids. Their bratty days make me appreciate the sweet ones even more.

in short. mommy's need a "time out" and a nap every once in awhile too.

[deleted account]

Absolutely not!! I want it all the time. I'm a SAHM with 2 great little kids, but I need time for me and only me. I wish to go to the bathroom without some sort of vigil being held outside the door, be able to have a conversation where I'm being interrupted by screaming or tugging, to have hot food and not microwave my coffee for the 20th time only to forget it completely.



Having time for ourselves is what will help us rejuvenate. As the saying goes 'Nobody is happy until Mommy is happy'. My husband works nearly 10 hr days and I know he wants time to himself. I remind him that his walk to the subway is time for him...I always have someone in tow.



So go have time for yourself, even if it's just a bath, take 30 minutes to read a book, go for a walk, go for coffee...it'll do you and your family a world of good!

Stephanie - posted on 05/14/2009

5

0

0

Hi- I am a stay at home Mom also, It is important to take me time. I know that it isn't easy only having your children to talk to, it is nice to take a break from them. I think it makes us better Moms when we take breaks from our kids. Taking care of kids can take all of your energy away. Try to let your partner know how you feel and hopefully can give you atleast one night away from your little ones.

Debbie - posted on 05/14/2009

2

4

0

no you are normal mum for wanting to spend time to yourself and to be fair mums do need some time to them selves even if its only just to have a nice relaxing bath, just visiting the shops on you own or even just to sit on the sofa for an hour, it just helps to recharge the batteries. it does not make you a bad mum in anyway good luck

Robin - posted on 05/14/2009

1

5

0

it is important to be able to provide for your children you must first provide the nurturing that you need as a person. it is great being a mom but you must take the time to be a person as well. If you are not taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally then you aren't going to be able to be in the moment caring for your wonderful children.

With Much Gratitude

Robin Marvel

www.aurasenseguide.com

Diane - posted on 05/14/2009

3

0

0

Absolutely not!! Babies take up so much of your time ,you will start drulling your words and talking baby talk, if you don't get some time to yourself. Every mom needs a break now and then.

Monica - posted on 05/14/2009

4

18

0

I do not think you are wrong. My husband works many hours, and I was laid off while I was pregnant with my second child and have been home since. The baby is now 6 months old. I jump at the chance to get out of the house by myself for a little each week. With my 4 year old and 6 month old, I need adult interaction. Every mom goes thurough it.

Paula - posted on 05/14/2009

8

70

1

I think it would be more selfish if you didn want time on your own. I never had a break from mine when they were lil' and i found if i got stressed then it affects the lil' ones. So now i MAKE time i felt i was only a mother and wife and didn know where paula went.

Naomi - posted on 05/14/2009

4

9

1

Of course not! Once a year I take a weekend and go to the beach with my girlfriends. It is long enough to relax and enough that when I come home I miss my family. Not to mention how much I am missed.  You have to remember who you were before you became"mom."

Kelly - posted on 05/13/2009

15

18

4

No, I don't believe this is wrong by any stretch of the imagination. Spending time with the kids can be stressful and tiring and we all need a little time out for ourselves to do what we want plus it is good for kids to have time with their Dad. It makes them bond and it is a bond that will last their lifetime! My little man is 2 and as soon as his Dad gets home they go off and do everything together. We recently bought a house and my son has his own little wheelbarrow and tools and they get out in the garden together and have a ball.

JESSICA - posted on 05/13/2009

8

9

0

absolutely not bad at all!! you need time to yourself and support from your partner and family. some people think its easy to take care of children compared to working long hours , thats bull! it can become Postnatal Depression and you will feel resentment towards your kids because you need a break soo bad. do take breaks at least once a week because it seems like you are always needed to do the parenting. i take time to myself sometimes even just to drive around by myself for an hour to think and get fresh air.

Cristina - posted on 05/13/2009

327

35

18

You need the time alone at least a couple of hours to relax, if not we can go a little too coo coo, and become angry lashing out for no reason at all, crying, ect. my husband knows that a happy mommy makes a happy home, and a tired stressed mommy will make his life heck, so he takes baby for a few hours every other day, and we're all happy. Being a mother is the toughest job we women will ever have, EVER!

Rachael - posted on 05/13/2009

4

17

0

Are you kidding, you both need to be allowed time to yourselves. Find another out for the kids, if the grandparents aren't willing. It is important that you two together spend time as well. Reach out for help.

Amy - posted on 05/13/2009

17

7

1

Every woman needs time out for there self! You need it in order to keep your self sane and in turn it will better your relationships with your kids and with other people. They say you should have "me" time at least once everyday even if it is something small for only 30 min. Do it and you'll feel better!

Azucena - posted on 05/13/2009

8

6

1

I agree with all the responses you have had. The worst thing you can do is feel guilty about wanting time for yourself. Every mom deserves a break from the kids. A lot of times stay home moms dont get the respect they deserve from their counterparts and it is very stressful not to feel appreciated. The one thing that you can do anything about is your children showing you appreciation because unfortunately you may not get what you are looking for. As far as your husband, he needs to realize that he is just as an important part in child rearing just as you and he is not off the hook just because he works and you dont.

Nicole - posted on 05/13/2009

13

4

1

No, not at all we all need me time. Having time to yourself is good for you and your children,this way they know how to also have time to thierselves if only for five min always give yourself a break. Especialy if there is a father involved,take advantage!!!!!!!!!

Rakiba - posted on 05/13/2009

2

19

0

I am going to get straight to the answer. NO. you need time by yourself to relax and focus on some of the things that make you happy. You may need to go somewhere other than the house to find some peace.

Sara - posted on 05/13/2009

18

15

0

girl you do what you have to do to keep your sanity!! im sure you love your kids but every good mom needs a break!!!!

Rachel - posted on 05/13/2009

1

6

0

I'm a single mommy w/hardly any help from my childrens father. I am grateful for my family though, without them I wouldn't get the alone time I need to keep my sanity. Without it I'm no good to my children. Take the time you need alone to unwind. be honest with your partner about needing this time. make sure to help him feel like he's the king for helping you (men can be babies without us-regardless we absolutely love them). don't feel selfish about it. its not easy to be a stay at home mom, but u'll forever be glad you were there for them. God Bless!

Jacqui - posted on 05/13/2009

1

18

0

Aaahh hun! It does get better! However it doesn;t when they're teenagers - enjoy them while they're young and innocent!!! xxx

Kelley - posted on 05/13/2009

1

30

0

Absolutely not!!! As much as I love my son, I am still my own person and need some time to myself. If you don't take time to yourself, and take care of yourself you can't possibly be expected to take care of anyone else. It is SO NORMAL!!!!

Giselle - posted on 05/13/2009

10

17

2

I'm a mom to 4 kids. Ages 4, 2, 18mo and 3mo. I always need sometime to myself otherwise I go crazy. I stay at home with all four and I also take care of them at night since my husband has to get up early to go to work. Every mom should take time to herself, most of all to go to the bathroom... :-) Your partner should understand this, if you dont those so needed break you will feel like pulling the hairs off your head!!! It would help your family if you do get time off. Ask for it and demand it! Good luck!

Crystal - posted on 05/13/2009

25

21

2

I promise you if you don't take time for yourself, it's going to catch up with you some day and you'll regret it. I remember growing up and wondering why on earth can my mother never relax & have some fun and couldn't relate to her much. It was only when at 19, I saw my Mom in a whole new light because I worked at the same company she did. At home she was the cleaner, the child minder, the cook and constantly busy with no time for herself. But at work, she was this powerful person, who could take charge, delegate, make jokes, have fun, completely different from the person I knew at home. I really grew so close to her and told her how I felt. Now she still makes time for all her grown up children, her grandchildren, and our grandmother, but she also makes time for herself, making her a very interesting and relaxed person when she spends time with her family. Trust me, you are doing your family a favour by taking a little bit of time out for yourself. They will love you even more. PS Some husbands get nervous about being alone with the little ones. Encourage him that he is capable and that the kids will love spending time with Dad alone and that this way he will get to know them better & grow that bond with them. Just build his self-esteem as a Dad. He obviously thinks you're doing a great job as a Mom. Good luck!

Kellie - posted on 05/13/2009

1

4

0

It's very important to have some "me" time. We all need time away from our children to rest and relax. But it sounds like you want to have the whole weekend to yourself. That sounds a bit selfish to me especially since your partner works. A few hours, an evening or an afternoon on the weekends would be a nice break away from the kids. I'd be ticked off if my partner wanted to be by himself the whole weekend.

Stacey - posted on 05/13/2009

121

64

4

its not worng at all my partner works 36 hours a week and on his day off i make him get up with our son. but he moans about when i ask him to watch him for some ME time men think they need a break but not as much as we do. so get as much ME time as you can

Jacklynn - posted on 05/13/2009

72

2

4

You NEED time away to in order to be in your best form for your kids. If a doctor could a write a prescription for "mommy alone time" I'm sure she/he would! I stay home with my son and if I didn't get some time to myself I would go bonkers. I love him so much, but having to be on 24-7 is a sure way to burn-out. An over-tired caregiver isn't helping anyone. You should really talk with your partner and arrange some time for you to be alone. Sounds like you might have to leave the house...I don't care if you just drive around, take a walk, or go wander around a book store...just get an hour or so (at least) to yourself. Don't expect your partner to just "get it". Have a real talk with him or her and try to explain how you're feeling.

LaTronseya - posted on 05/13/2009

2

60

0

No, You need time to yourself. My mom and my husband think that it is awful for a parent to want time to themselves. They feel that it is all about the children once they are here. I agree to a point, but you have to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of your family. If not you will fill burned out at some point.

Cathy - posted on 05/13/2009

1

0

0

"Me-time" is definitely important - for you, for your partner, and for the kids. But to want to spend the whole weekend by yourself, to do what you want - that isn't very realistic when you have two kids! Weekends should be time to be all together as a family - you, your partner, and the kids. You should have some time, maybe a couple of hours, to get a break, get out with friends, whatever; and your partner will want the same. (Working at a job doesn't count as "me-time.") Part of having kids is giving up a lot of personal time - but you do need some to keep your energy up!

Karen - posted on 05/13/2009

125

7

13

You are not wrong for wanting time to yourself...you need time to yourself! You have to take care of yourself or you can't care for anyone else. I used to be thrilled to use the bathroom so I had those couple of minutes to myself even if little kids were banging on the door...lol. I was a stay at home Mom when my kids were little and when my husband came home from work, I used to tell him "they are yours for a while till bed time" and I'd go into the bedroom and just "CHILL" or sleep...it's such a relief. It's important to get a partner or a family member to help you out even if it's an hour or however much time you need a day to relax and get rejuvenated to help you care for yourself and your family.

Pamela - posted on 05/13/2009

3

2

0

Everyone needs time to themselves. It is amazing what a break will do.
But you also need time alone with your spouse. Can't afford a babysitter?
Honestly, you can't afford not to. You have to continue to have some fun together in order to continue to walk together. I have established set times for myself and all the members of my family. It started when my I had my 3rd child, Shawn. I noticed that my second son, Tim was OUTSIDE the family circle. My oldest , 6yrs and disabled, needed a lot of my attention and we had a newborn son. I brought him back in the circle and explained my responsibilities to his siblings, then I reaffirmed my love and devotion to him. I told him that every day (not exact set time), we would have "Timothy" time. I pursued him and also encouraged him to pursue me. It has been absolutely rewarding! He is almost 21 now and I miss those precious moments. It helped him understand when his sibblings had their mommy time and to not interrupt. It also helped him to understand when 'mommy' needed alone time OR mommy and daddy needed a alone time OR a date. Take some guiltless time alone and recharge!
And don't forget to take your husband out on a date. You would be surprised at how blessed he might be! DON'T STOP DATING- IT IS VITAL TO YOUR MARRIAGE!

Sian - posted on 05/13/2009

4

10

1

I felt really guilty when I realised that I wanted time away from my baby son, especially after choosing to give up work and stay home as a full-time mum. However, I have realised now that it's not wrong to want a break. My paid job wasn't 24/7, so why should I expect to be OK with this being so?! As Raye said in her reply, you need time to be on your own so that you can be a better mum to your children. Don't feel bed about it, but do talk to your partner. He may not have realised how you feel.

Teresa - posted on 05/12/2009

4

13

0

your completly normal to want time to yourself and you need it. If you don't get it you will be fried and therefore more impatient with your children, partner and everyone else. So never feel bad about you time and make sure you get it!

Madonna - posted on 05/12/2009

24

20

3

oh my I know just how you feel my dear, I have been in this situation since my first child was born in '03...I have yet to have a day to myself, without having to change a diaper, wipe a nose, make a meal and shop for food, ect... we are not bad for wanting time to ourselves..as stay at home moms we do everything and more! tell your partner to back off and that you need time to yourself, to get the grandparents (if they live nearby) to help out for a couple hours at least. if i had someone to come and watch my 3 for a couple hours, i would be out having a blast by myself and try to not feel guilt for the time away. remember, we are the glue that keeps things together and we, more than anyone else, need a much needed break now and then. i hope you get time to yourself with out someone bugging you for something, i hope all of us can get a break from the family :)

Jeanne - posted on 05/12/2009

571

14

45

No it's not wrong to want some time for yourself. If you burnout you won't be any good for anyone. My hubby realized what kind of work is involved when he was home a couple of weeks ago due to rain (he works construction)....by about lunch he said it was easier going to work then dealing with the kids all day. I know I would love sometime to recharge but I don't often get it as hubby often works seven days a week, my family is on the other side of the country and his family have kids of their own. So wanting just a bit of time for yourself to recharge your batteries and unwind is nothing selfish....I think it's actually a good thing to take a little time for yourself so that you don't lose yourself either.

Syretta - posted on 05/12/2009

1

18

0

Kimberly, you have beautiful children, but there is absolutely no reason to feel bad about wanting some time alone. We all need it. It is a mentally draining job watching after kids and your husband needs to understand that just because you don’t physically get up and go to work each day, you still have a job and that is taking care or kids, the home, and everything else that has to be done. Try sitting and explaining this to him and see what happens, I don’t know if you have tried or not, but you have to do something because the last thing that we need is you having a nervous breakdown. Then who will be there for the kids. Be ready one day when he gets home and just leave for a few hours, don’t ask any questions, just have your clothes on and purse on your shoulder. When he walks in you walk out. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Even if you just go down the street, take some time for you!

Gilberte - posted on 05/12/2009

13

0

4

BEEN there DONE that. It is very hard to do but I promise you it is better to be with them than to worry if they're being treated right with a stranger. Some day you will wish they were around when they are older.
Try to ask a neighbor or friend with children to come over for some adult companionship while the kids play together.
OR maybe a preschool near you can allow you to exchange some hours of work for daycare hours.
My kids are 23 and 24 and I remember enjoying my 11pm shower after everyone went to bed and then watching Johnny Carson in peace.

Peggy - posted on 05/12/2009

17

9

5

no maybe you can try talking with a friend and swapping down time with them. They watch your children for a couple hours and another day you watch their's for a couple of hours. just a thought

Sandi - posted on 05/12/2009

12

1

1

Well, I will save you alot of money on therapy.....high priced therapists will encourage you to find some time away from your children....allowing yourself to set boundaries with your husband and the children is important for your stress level. Getting away from the Super Mom Syndrome is a good thing. You do have limitations. Accept it. I recommend a massage once a month.....you can donate your body to a student going to massage school and your husband's body, too. Learn to massage each other and teach the children how to do foot massages. Teach your children "safe touch". Work a trade with your husband by allowing him some self time and time with his friends.....if you can do this with an open heart you will both win and both of you will get to have.

Sometimes, massage therapist will show up at your house with a table....you can host

a massage party. Invite couples and have the massage therapist give half hour sessions or if it goes over good then let the massage therapist teach a couples massage class on a Sunday.....your friends will love it.

Courtney - posted on 05/12/2009

21

15

2

no. its not wrong at all. being a mother can be quite stressful and i dont think that some men realise this. their work stops when they come home. us mums, our work never stops its 24/7+. so we deserve a break even if its only for a few hours but a day would be nice. and time for the both of you without kids is a good idea, id speak with him and just try to put your point across. I play a sport, indoor soccer one night a week,im away from the kids or an hour, thats a good break, so if you can do a sport, id do that it takes away the stress too, i also agree with deborah, itd be good for the kids to spend time with their dad.

Enid - posted on 05/12/2009

1

0

0

Everybody needs time to themselves .... the best thing is to arrange for you to actually get out of the house on a regular basis then your husband and kids get used to the idea of you not being there .... even if it is going out for a walk with a friend every Monday and Wednesday evening or a arobics class, or whatever it is that you may be interested in ... but you can never have time to yourself as long as you stay in the house ... husbands and kids just don't get it!!!! But you have to be determined to make the first move and stick with your guns and go on out!!!!

Sam - posted on 05/12/2009

29

6

1

oh my god no!you need time by yourself or you will go insane,i take every thursday,i go to aqua-aerobics,is only 2 hrs in total but its my time,plus its good for me too:-)

Jennie - posted on 05/12/2009

1

1

0

no you totally are not bad for wanting time to yourself. not only is it good for you to get some space its good for the kids as well

Heather - posted on 05/12/2009

3

159

0

No, you are not wrong to want time to yourself. Everyone needs some time to themselves, or "adult" time when you are around the kids all of the time. And I have been told, "When Mom is not happy, she can't make the kids happy." You are a mom, of course, but you are also a WOMAN, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Kelly - posted on 05/12/2009

7

34

0

You are not alone, My BF works 60 hours, and I work from home and take care of our son, His parents rarely keep our son, and I usually get my step daughter on the weekend too, but there are plenty of days when I want to just go and do as I please. You need to make a point to compromise and say listen, I need time for me, I try and express that I need time for me, and most of the time he understands.

Lorna - posted on 05/12/2009

11

13

0

no its not bad 4 u 2 wabt 2 spend time on your own i go out most sat nite and my hubby has our son oliver calls it boys nite in they get take away and watch tv ask your parter at least once a month 2 have the kids so u can go out with your friends

Mari - posted on 05/12/2009

1

21

0

No its not wrong at all to want a little time to yourself. Its actually healthy, but men dont always understand that. Don't let what he says make you feel bad, YOU know how hard and tiring it is to take care of kids 24/7. As for his parents, don't feel bad about that either. They already raised their kids and all parents all different. My mom doesn't always watch my son but I don't let it get to me. Im a young single mother and has always pretty much done it by myself, just hang in there, take you time to yourself....even if its a little walk around the block by yourself, or a nice warm bath... something and dont let anyone make you feel like its not right.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms