Am i bad for wanting time by myself?

Kimberley - posted on 05/11/2009 ( 101 moms have responded )

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my partner works 20hrs or so a week. while i watch our 2 children at home. they dnt go to any nursery as i cant afford it.

is it wrong that when the weekend comes along i want to spend it by myself to do what i want?? my partner makes me feel bad, and his parents hardly ever look after kids so i end up going into the bedroom for majority of day to unwind but he ends up following me with 1 of the kids....

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Mari - posted on 05/12/2009

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No its not wrong at all to want a little time to yourself. Its actually healthy, but men dont always understand that. Don't let what he says make you feel bad, YOU know how hard and tiring it is to take care of kids 24/7. As for his parents, don't feel bad about that either. They already raised their kids and all parents all different. My mom doesn't always watch my son but I don't let it get to me. Im a young single mother and has always pretty much done it by myself, just hang in there, take you time to yourself....even if its a little walk around the block by yourself, or a nice warm bath... something and dont let anyone make you feel like its not right.

Sharon - posted on 05/12/2009

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if you were work in a job you would have time off! you are doing a full time job and need that time to be an adult,do what adults do.may ask your partner to watch the kids for a couple of hrs , during the day.then suggest you do something together at night just the two of you. you could spend the next day as a familyif you feel like it

Cheryl - posted on 05/12/2009

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make the small amt of time to your self wourthwhile, do something just for you. Make a hair appointment or nails, or even a coffee with a gf. Something that you truly miss. even if you only have a 1/2 hr get out of the house alone! Every mom needs to do it, but if it is qulity alone time then you might not want it every weekend. try doing it on thursday night put the kids to bed and just get out. Then you might be able to enjoy a full family weekend without all your stress. We love our kids, everyone knows it. but we know we need breaks from day in and out work.

Caroline - posted on 05/12/2009

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Am sorry about your situation. its very important that you have some me-time even within the day and not wait til the weekend. You are a mother now but you had a sense of self before the children came along. You need to maintain that as the children will grow up and not depend on you as much..if your identity is pegged on just being a mum, you may find yourself in a crisis later. Have you tried explaining how you feel to your partner? You sound overwhelmed and he may be able to give some light on the matter. If not...consider an extra hand around the house.

Marilyn - posted on 05/12/2009

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What you need to do is go out for the afternoon, take some hours away from the home. Your partner needs to know how to look after the two children on his own and not rely on you. Go out window shopping, go for a walk, go have coffee with a friend, go to Chapters for coffee and read a book, anything to get you away from the house. When you come back you will feel better about yourself, better with the kids and your partner. I didn't have any support either from my parents but when my husband would come home from a hard days work, he would let me go down the street to a friends place for a cup of coffee for a hour. That gave me a break, it was like a coffee break.

Carmela - posted on 05/12/2009

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no not at all...you deserve down time as much as anyone else...don't let anyone make you feel different.

how are you supposed to regroup and refresh to be positive for your family if you don't have the opportunity.

Mel - posted on 05/12/2009

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He should never be making you feel bad at all! my partner works from 7 or 8am til about 6 pm sometimes longer in the week and works some saturdays mine cant go into child care either and he comes home dos all the work with the baby, including her 9pm feed , showers her, reads her a book abd puts her to bed. He does alot of house work too, used to do every midnight feed and looks after her all weekend. its not wrong at all. the times when my partner is home is my "me" time and i love it very much being able to chill out and not worry about her

Stacey - posted on 05/12/2009

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Hell NO! Enjoy every second you can for yourself. Remember, you have to make yourself happy before you try and make others happy around you because if you don't they can sense that in you and around you and would make them feel unhappy or miserable. Never feel guilty about wanting time for yourself. Find a place you can call "your zone" and nobody is allowed in your zone, unless they yield with caution first. Your kids will always be around you FOREVER, so make sure you make that time for you. Don't allow your partner to make you feel bad because that just shows him a weakness in you; stand up for yourself and what you need for once. Respectfully say, please don't bring the kids in "my zone" whether it be an hour or 20 minutes because during that time, do what YOU want and you will start to see and feel a difference and so will others around you. Good Luck!

Monica - posted on 05/12/2009

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you definitely deserve time to yourself and shouldnt feel guilty about it. if you dont take out for your and take care of your needs then you wont really be in good space to take care of your family. i personally believe mom's have a tougher job than dad's (unless of course there is stay at home dad/single father etc.) Your partner just needs to realize all the things you do and not take you for granted. Your partner is supposed to share in the responsibilities that is why he is your partner. A lot of father's tend to think that just because he is away from the home working and the mom is home..she is not working but being a mother is a full-time job. Ask him to stay home all day with the kids just once..he will be in for a shocker.

Lozzie - posted on 05/12/2009

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I know exactly how you feel i have 3 kids, My partner works fulltime and i am a stay at home mum. Some days i feel like i want to pull my hair out being stuck in the house without really talking to anyone that can talk back properly!



But no your not BAD! Its normal. And if your partner has a problem with it then tell him to give it a go and see how he likes staying home with them 24/7. Wont last long trust me!!!

Faith - posted on 05/11/2009

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no it is not wrong, and the more you let it go the harder it will be to get away. No money does not mean you can not go somewhere else. Take a walk and breath. He will do fine, If he throws a fit tell him he can deal and you will be back in an hour and get away.
For websites for activities for your children look up preschool activities or contact a local 4c's and they can help.
Good luck.

Tina - posted on 05/11/2009

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no it's not selfish u need time for ur self to get away! ur man gets away when he goes to work. Look at it this way ur children r ur job! If ur man had to work 24/7 he would need to get away from work. Ur children are happy when moms not all stressed out and yelling right? So it makes u a better mom to get away and let go of the stress of everyday living. This way u can come back and be the best mom u no how w/o all the stress. I no I have 2 kids that follow me around all day!!!! When i get me time i feel good enough to be calm w/ my boys in turn being a better mom. Good luck w/ ur man. let him read this he might change his mind.

Judy - posted on 05/11/2009

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everyone needs some down time..it is very selfish of your partner to not understand this...even the kids need time away from you ,its good for them as well as for you.

Keisha - posted on 05/11/2009

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Heck no! Its perfectly natural to want to unwind and kind of relax for a bit. I I were you I would leave the house, since all he does is follow you when you go into the room.

[deleted account]

Absolutely not! Every mom needs time to herself to regroup, refresh and recharge! Get out of the house-(not into the bedroom!) Go for a walk-meet a girlfriend for coffee so you can vent-your kids need time away from you-(should you ever have to work) you'll look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day.

Amanda - posted on 05/11/2009

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I know what you mean. I have 3 kids at home and one step son and my husband has been away for nearly 9 months for the Air Force and I haven't gotten a break yet. I feel like screaming. I take care of the 2 yr old when the twins are in school and I end up getting nothing really done around the house because he wants all my attention.





I need a night out or something just to relax my nerves but I don't see it coming anytime soon. Hope everything works out for you

Crystal - posted on 05/11/2009

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DEFINITELY NOT!!!! Everyone needs their own space to relax and refresh. Give yourself a break and tell your partner you need a break you will be very thankful.

Jennifer - posted on 05/11/2009

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I don't think it's bad at all to want to spend some time by yourself, in fact raising two children that is much deserved time that you NEED to keep yourself sane. I am a mother on one boy and a full-time student, I am with my son everyday, when the weekend gets here I take a couple hours to go out and get a cup of coffee somewhere or just walk around the mall. I feel totally refreshed after and the cooped up feeling I get during the week diminishes. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty that you need time to yourself, it's completely natural, and again, you totally deserve it for being such a devoted mother.

Iberia - posted on 05/11/2009

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Dear Kimberley,

Time to yourself is a healthy thing to do, then you can be the mom you need to be as you recharge; our human body and mind needs it.

Connecting spiritually is vital also!

Jayne - posted on 05/11/2009

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If we don't take care of ourselves, how can we take care of others? Try and take the time you need for yourself and let someone else have the guilt trip. good luck.

Nicole - posted on 05/11/2009

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Absolutely not! You are a good mom for wanting some time to your self. You need it. It is really hard to watch children. I am not sure how old your kids are but any age makes it difficult. I have a 2 year old and 3 month old and I was struggling with this same thing. My husband works a ton of hours (any where from 40 to 80 in one week). He goes out of town a lot for his job too. Even when he is working in town his days are 14 hour days. That means I have the kids by myself all day and I have to do everything from the time the wake up to the time they go to bed. It is tough work. You need to find time to get away by yourself. Even if you run some errands or go to the grocery store by yourself. Every little bit helps. It makes you a good parent to get away and Dad needs to spend some time alone with the kids too.

User - posted on 05/11/2009

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Wanting (and needing) time away from your children is not being selfish. Your children need to know, and will appreciate, that you are an individual with many likes and interests outside of being a mother. Everyone needs to recharge and a change of scenery and company, including moms.

Christel - posted on 05/11/2009

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No, there is nothing wrong with wanting time for your self. I am a stay at home mom but am also watching a friends baby twice a week so I sometimes when my husband comes home I hand her over and take the car or walk the dogs or do something just for myself. You need to leave the house to do that. Go for a walk, window shopping or go t the library. We are strapped with cash so I try to figure out stuff that doesn't cost me anything. Or I run to the groccery store to buy the stuff we need or visit a friends house.
You will feel much better.

Kim - posted on 05/11/2009

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ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! You need a break every now and then. You are there 24-7 with the kids and he needs to understand that. Its like a job that you can't get away from. Don't let him make you feel bad about it. And take your time out of the house so he can't follow you.

Deborah - posted on 05/11/2009

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Men don't see things like it is for mums, Maybe show him the post and let him see that you need time to yourself hun
Please take care xx

Rene - posted on 05/11/2009

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Sorry that was so long, it' just that I've been there and know what you're going through. I hated being a stay at home mom for so long. It was a waste of energy because now I'm so glad I do what I do and feel thankful for being able to. It's hard work and we struggle, but it's worth it and there are positive ways to get what you want and feel more fulfilled.

Rene - posted on 05/11/2009

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I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. I do believe you need to have some time for yourself. Have you looked into local mom's clubs or churches that have activities for young children during the week? Google them. You maybe able to find a group that can give you a couple of hours relaxation. Or some other moms that will trade babysitting. Try watching their kids at the park if they will return the favor. Also, try setting time for yourself by having a daddy evening once a week. It's his turn to play games or go to the park and let you have time alone. If you remind him that the kids will remember those days the rest of their lives, they usually are more open to the idea. I know the kids are young, but if he can teach them some of the things that he's interested in (example - take them fishing...wearing life jackets for the kids), he may be more excited himself. He'll have to throw out their lines, but they can learn to hold the pole or even watch him fish if he'll show them what's going on. Men need it easy because their mom's usually did too much for them growing up. You'll need to get everything ready for him, but it will be worth it if the house is quiet for a while. Get a daddy list together of all the different things he can take the kids to see or things to do (example: Spring - pick flowers for grandma and bring them to her, movie and popcorn at home, tend the garden/ flower beds, catch fireflies in a jar, have a water gun fight, etc.). It will keep them busy and get them out of the house. Also, grandma won't be upset about a visit when she's getting hard worked for flowers from her grandchildren.



During the day, keep the little ones busy with activities and structure. The sooner they have a routine, the better it will be for you. Example: Wake 8:00, breakfast, brush teeth & get dressed, learning activity time, outside play time (catch, hopscotch, hula hoop, kick, etc.), inside to make lunch, reading, nap (not too long, so they'll go to sleep at night), art, snack, tidy up for daddy to get home, dinner, evening play, bath, bed. When they are in bed, you'll have time for yourself and also time if you chose to clean or get ready for the next day.



Kids can pour in the pre-measured ingredients while baking, help plan dinners for the week, etc. You can play with washable paint or shaving cream at the table while you're cooking. Use letter blocks to learn letters and the sounds (my mother would scatter them across the room and make me match them with cards she had, as I got older she'd call out the letter, and then later call out just the sound for me to find). Let them put the items on your shopping list in the cart at the grocery store, etc. It took me a long time to learn to play games with the kids to pass the day and make it more enjoyable. Think about what you would like the daycare to have done for them (if they were there) and do it yourself (Cut construction paper, glue cotton balls or beans on, glue a plastic character onto the inside lid of a baby food jar, add water & glitter to the jar and make your own snow globes, use sponges to cute shapes out of and stamp paper, make hanging mobiles, cut pictures out of magazines & glue what they like for Christmas, birthday, make a family collage, etc.) Possibilities are endless and kids always want to learn.



I've realized that sometimes it's not time alone that I'm craving, but a change of atmosphere. I need socialization besides just on the phone. There are homeschool groups that have park days, etc. Google for them in your area. That way you can watch your kids play while you get to socialize and get advice from other mothers.



Also, make sure to plan family time. Go hiking or swimming together, take picnics, go watch a local football team (even if you can only stay for half a game), etc. It's important for the kids to see you guys as united. They'll have a happier, more secure childhood because of it.



I hope this helps and best of luck to you. Do not feel bad for wanting time for yourself. You're not being selfish to want the same things your husband wants. Just find a balance that works for the both of you. He needs to understand now that resentment builds when you're stressed and don't feel supported. That resentment is what tears families apart and nobody wants that.



-Rene

Shonita - posted on 05/11/2009

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YOU ARE NOT BAD!!! I think it's very important that you take time by yourself...get away from the house, a change of scenery makes a world of difference! I used to leave our son with my husband and just go walk through walmart very slowly for a couple of hours, when I got back home my mood was so much more happier and relaxed! No way should any mom feel guilty for doing this!

[deleted account]

Wait a minute, I just went back up there, and read he only works 20 hours a *week*?

Thats is pretty selfish, I think. That's an average of 4 hours per day, with weekends off. And he can't help you out with 20 other hours in the day??? Or one of the 2 weekend days?? Slap that man...lol

[deleted account]

Angel makes a good point. Having food prepared, or just making sure the kids are fed, sure helps. And if there are any diapers, change 'em before you go. It helps, since usually Dad are rookies, and my little guy won't let anyone else change him. "Mommy do it". The easier it is for them, the less of a burden it is, right?

Erinn - posted on 05/11/2009

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I agree with Deborah... My son is 3 and my daughter just turned 6 months old. I, just like you, start feeling guilty for even THINKING about time to myself! Recharging batteries is absolutely essential.... it helps us to be better mommies too! Don't let your SO talk you into feeling guilty, i'm sure he gets time to himself so there's no reason why you shouldn't get the same!!

Amanda - posted on 05/11/2009

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Your husband needs to step up and take some responsibility for his children. You cannot always bear all of the burden when it comes to your kids. It should be an equal partnership with understanding. Us moms, we get burnt out from time to time and have to get away to keep our sanity. Your husband should want you to have time to yourself, especially if he already gets his time. Good Luck. Communication is the best route to get your needs taken care of.

Abbie - posted on 05/11/2009

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A good mommy takes time for herself; because then she enjoys her babies so much more! It took me a while to learn that, but I would say no it doesn't make you a bad mom, if anything it makes you all that better

Kelly - posted on 05/11/2009

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you shouldnt feel bad about wanting some time to yourself its only natural, every mother deserves a break sometimes having kids i think is the hardest job in the world its exhausting. my ex partner never looked after our daughter and now that we have split up he dosnt see her at all, im lucky cause i have a supporting family and his step mam is a great help.

[deleted account]

You need time for yourself. Watching young kids is completely energy and mentally draining and if you want to maintain your sanity, you need your own time and space. You shouldn't feel guilty about it and if someone tries to make you feel guilty, it is wrong.



I love my 2 kids, but there are times when I need to have some quiet time, whether it be reading, watching TV, going shopping.



Speak frankly with your partner about how you feel withing laying any blame on him or getting angry. Tell him that it helps you to recoup your good spirits and for your well-bing. Have food prepared for him and the kids so that it makes things easier when you are out.

Kimberley - posted on 05/11/2009

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Quoting Debbie:

i know exactly how u feel... My partner (now redundant) used tio work all week and barely spent time with alannah but even when he's at home all the time he'd still rather 'relax' infront of the tv and computer than sit and interact with alannah... it annoys me as he's quick to point out she never wants him and only wants me... i can't have a bath or go in anopther room without her being there as daddy doesn't pay her much attention... only time i get alone is when i've let her scream herself to sleep (which i abhor) and i go for a bath and even then unless he's online he constantly interupts my me tiem :( if he does have her and i've sneaked off to another room for a lil break he follows and stands there with her which means she can see mommy and wants to be with mommy.... so no i dont think ur bad selfish or mean... its natural to want some me time as our partners get a lot of their own me time be it at work or home!



lol MEN!!! =(

Sherryann - posted on 05/11/2009

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my husband is a police officer and when he is home is like he is not there, if i say am going out my family he get vex, if is somewhere else he say take the child with you, because he want to my himaself alone time.my husband dont carry me, or buy anything for me at all. so u have a very good husband that cares about you, thats great not everyone have what u have.

Kimberley - posted on 05/11/2009

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why cant he see that then??....sometimes i feel as if im better off without him because then least hed have kids at weekend, then i WOULD get time for myself.



without sounding too personal, i cant goto toilet without my daughter banging on the door n crying because hes told her to go see me because hes 'too' busy doing something else (washing up, ps3 for example)

Debbie - posted on 05/11/2009

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i know exactly how u feel... My partner (now redundant) used tio work all week and barely spent time with alannah but even when he's at home all the time he'd still rather 'relax' infront of the tv and computer than sit and interact with alannah... it annoys me as he's quick to point out she never wants him and only wants me... i can't have a bath or go in anopther room without her being there as daddy doesn't pay her much attention... only time i get alone is when i've let her scream herself to sleep (which i abhor) and i go for a bath and even then unless he's online he constantly interupts my me tiem :( if he does have her and i've sneaked off to another room for a lil break he follows and stands there with her which means she can see mommy and wants to be with mommy.... so no i dont think ur bad selfish or mean... its natural to want some me time as our partners get a lot of their own me time be it at work or home!

[deleted account]

That is what my husband gives me for Mother's Day every year. I go out shopping, get some lunch, grab a cup of coffee, read the paper, anything I want. And I come home to a clean house. He knows that is better than flowers and a card.

Granted, that only happens to me about once every couple of MONTHS, but it sure does recharge my brain.

You sort of have to get it when you can. When my kids go to bed, I stay up and hang out online, or watch a movie, grab a bath (without anyone knocking on the door). My husband isn't home alot, he is a long-haul truck driver, and when he gets home, I don't want to go out, I miss him when he is gone and want to be home with him. But when he gets a long stretch home, 5 days or so, I usually take one of them. Gives him some Dad time with the kids, too.

Everyone needs personal time. Moms included. Just because you choose to be a Stay At Home Mom, doesn't mean you have to Stay At Home 24-7, for the rest of your life.

Sherryann - posted on 05/11/2009

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no your no bad or wrong for wanting time for yourself. my name is simone and i have a 3yrs old boy, and am having a baby this month. i dont get help from my husband or family, and am very stress out right now. also am pregnant with a child i really didnt want, because i konw i would not get any help from my husband and i dont have time for myself alone.

Ratana - posted on 05/11/2009

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It not wrong what so ever for a mom to want some time alone. Trust me.. I know how you feel. I have 2 active boys and sometimes just don't want to deal with it... so I definitely recommend alone time for the sake of staying sane. Good luck! :o)

Heidi - posted on 05/11/2009

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No it is not wrong to want some time to yourself. Its only natural. I make sure that I spend a couple of hours a week on my own doing what I like such as reading, going on a walk with a friend, scrap booking or even a nice long hot bubble bath. But another thing I do is make sure I have some quality alone time with my husband. Its important to maintain a relationship with your partner as well with no kids around, so at least twice a month we go out on a date. Whether its to the movies, dinner or to play pool. Its our time for eachother.

So be sure to take out an hour or 2 a week for just yourself. You need it to gather your thoughts and yourself!

Elisa - posted on 05/11/2009

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i agree with everyone else. and its okay for a parent to have some time for there sleves.

good luck!!

Jodi - posted on 05/11/2009

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Every mother deserves her time, be it in a room all day by yourself, or out with a few friends. My best advice is to talk to your partner..... It is a much more difficult task if you continue to let things be. It will become a never ending cycle, if you don't put your foot down now. I am a mom of 4 wonderful children, but me and my husband both have our own seperate time away from each other and the kids. It helps our sanity, and keeps things more calm when the kids are being hectic. Good Luck and hope everything works out for you.

Raye - posted on 05/11/2009

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No, that is not wrong at all!! Everyone needs some time to themselves, especially mommies. The way I see it, is you need to take the time to yourself everyone once in awhile to recharge so that you are better capable of being the mom that you want to be! Don`t allow anyone to make you feel bad for your feelings!

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