Am I being a brat?

Kristen - posted on 08/22/2011 ( 213 moms have responded )

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My brother in-law and his baby mama have two girls that are younger than my daughter and they think its their right to get hand-me-downs from my daughter. I want another girl and my hubby and I are ttc so I don't want to give away my baby/little girl stuff. I have a house and plenty of storage so I've been taking care of my daughters stuff and have been boxing it up by age/size so I can use it again. I have LENT them things and told them that when they were done using them I would like them back and I have never seen that stuff again. They live in a very small apartment so when they were trying to make room for baby #2 they had a garage sale and were selling baby girl stuff (a lot of which I had given them) when they already knew they were having another girl. They borrowed my pack-n-play and I never saw it again they sold it at one of their garage sales. I feel like they are eyeing up my daughter's stuff every time they come over. They even had the nerve to tell another family member that I am being stingy. Nobody gives us hand-me-downs for our daughter. Am I being a brat because I don't want to give them anymore stuff.

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Joan - posted on 08/23/2011

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you could tell them that you are saving them incase you have a girl, because you cant afford to buy new and that if you have a boy you will give them first look at your garage sale

Sam - posted on 08/22/2011

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If you are a brat then I am an even bigger one, because there is no way that I would lend them anything ever and I wouldn't feel bad about it either. You and hubby work hard for what you have and it seems like you like to take good care of your things so you have nothing to feel bad about. Let them look at your stuff but you don't have to let them use/have it.

Jennifer - posted on 08/23/2011

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Bloody hell NO you are not being a brat. If that was me I wouldn't give them another thing and never would again. You stick to your guns.

Lissa - posted on 08/22/2011

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Absolutely not, you were perfectly willing to lend them items, they didn't give those things back, therefore they lose that privilege.

Tracie - posted on 08/23/2011

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Hand me downs are for when you're finished with something. You're not done with these items so there is nothing to hand down yet. As for borrowing your stuff only to sell it at a yard sale? I do believe that's called "theft." That said, if you have plenty and they're struggling, consider giving up a portion of your daughter's clothes just to help them out. Good luck.

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Sally - posted on 09/05/2011

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Why in the world should you be expected to pay for their children? Especially when you have your own child to pay for. They have no right to expect anything form you. Even if you had been inclined to share, the second they started selling stuff they had borrowed, they lost all rights to ever borrow anything from you again.

Supriya - posted on 09/05/2011

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Kristen, just keep some of your daughter's stuff that you really really want. And the other things just let them keep it as a blessing from you to them. And yes they are trying to take advantage of that but you can just let them know that, and tell them honestly how you feel about it. But it is a blessing when you give away. I had my Daughter 3 years ago and i was BLESSED with a lot of hand me downs mostly from one of my sweet friend and she had saved all her 2 daughters stuff for a long time(her girls were 5 and 8 i think when she when gave me all their stuff) but my friend said it was hard to give it all to someone, but she said i am happy to give to someone who needs and can use it. That right here was a BIGGEST BLESSING from her to us.And that is your family ,So just let go of some things.

Anne - posted on 09/05/2011

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I think that if your ttc then yeah by all means hold on to it, if it turns out that your having a boy then its up to you if you want to give it to them if your having a girl then you have everything and you dont have to spend a bunch of money to get the same stuff you already had. In the end its really up to you, and if not sharing makes you a brat then I wonder what that makes ppl I have given things to and were ungrateful about it. Your fine, keep doing what your doing and remember in the end the choice is yours.

Leah - posted on 09/05/2011

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No way!! Keep your things. Save them. Treasure them. Store them. Heck, set them on fire and roast marshmallows over the flames. They are YOUR things. People are way too entitled. They need to get over it. You do what you need to do!!
Leah Sweet

Emily - posted on 09/05/2011

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no! they showed their irresponsibility when they sold items that didn't belong to them

Ruth - posted on 09/05/2011

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No! You have every right to do what you want with your stuff. And stop lending them things. Decide if you are going to lend them anything you are actually giving it to them since history has already proven that to you. They need to find their own things. Make up your mind and stick to it without regrets. You already know they are ingrates and they gossip about you anyways so don't sweat it by not playing their games. Good luck on having another girl. I hope our next one is one too. I too am saving all my daughters items.

Cherie - posted on 09/05/2011

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@Rebecca, who suggested you would "feel bad" if you ended up having a boy, instead of a girl. You have a right to your opinion Rebecca, but I definitely disagree with your logic. Kristen might have a boy, this time. But who's to say she won't keep trying for another girl? There are plenty of people who could use free clothes, there is no rule that the brother (who is EXPECTING free items) has to be the recipient. Kristen, don't feel bad for wanting to hold on to your stuff. Heck many mothers want to keep everything just for keepsake. When your brother had children, he signed up to take the responsibility. If you have to keep providing, it's YOU that are taking the responsibility, and you have your own family to worry about. I have been in this predicament before. Gave away everything, and then was stuck when I conceived again. There was no one to help me out. You have to stick to your convictions. There is no one to give you hand-me-downs and you still make it happen, why can't he? He's a big boy now. He is supposed to take care of his own. And if you find that you won't be having another girl, and your brother just happens to have a third girl, great. But until then, hold on to your stuff!! You can always drop them off at an emergency infant service after you are done with them.

DeeDee - posted on 09/05/2011

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I think they should learn about respecting other's things. I have lent. Most of my boy stuff out to my brother and his family but we were all clear that I wanted it back when they were done with it for this kid. They are just poor college students so it was a help until they find a career. I've kept all baby stuff I've liked because I am pretty sure more kids are in our future, but if i have decided I am not particularly fond of something someone else can keep it.
Perhaps you could suggest that you will be willing to lend more to them after they return what they already borrowed. ;-)

Kimberly - posted on 09/05/2011

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Next time the subject comes up and she asks to "borrow" more clothes, tell her when she returns the others she's "borrowed" she can have more. Nuff said.

Sunsearay - posted on 09/05/2011

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No...not in the least. I have one daughter and my sis has three. One older, one the same age as mine and one younger. With first one I bought a lot of nice thing that if kept nice could have been handed down, with #2 I bought in duplicate, one for me and one for her, when it was time for the 3rd, I cut off the giving tree. If the clothes are not being taken care of and they are not respecting your wishes and giving them back after use...I wouldn't give them nothing else. Only stuff I won't get upset if they lose, damage or sell. As far as the stingy remark, tough for them, it not your job to clothes their children...hope you have a beautiful girl

Sylvia - posted on 09/05/2011

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I don't think so. If they had not valued what u had already loaned them. Why would anyone want to loan them more? I have a sister who has three older girls and a sister in law who has two but I don't expect them to hand their stuff down to me. So just because you have same sex kids does not give them an automatic right to your daughters things. Even if you don't have anymore kids you have the right to sit up a hope chest for her or what ever else you want. It was your money not theirs that bought the things. You just need to put your point out there. Eventually others will get tired of hearing them complain and doing nothing to change.

Carol - posted on 09/05/2011

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no you are NOT a brat. You are being frugal. In this day and age one HAS to be frugal to get by. And when you stop having your children and they have all worn those clothes, use them to make quilts for each of the children. Those quilts will be heirlooms, with lots of memories.

Gudrun - posted on 09/05/2011

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I'm not American like the Jennifer person who wrote the extremely unsympathetic comment. I have to agree with all the other posts here. I would not give them anything. I had the same problem with my sister. I bought a very nice wardrobe for my first daughter. I had taken care of it and put it away to use for my next child. Since I was planning on having more then 2 children the probability of having another girl was high. Then my sister, who had more money then me at that point in life, asked my for my baby clothes as she found out that she would be having a girl. Her being my sister I saw nothing wrong with it and lent it to her. I told her that I would like it back when she is done. I never saw those things again. She sold every single piece of it. She made quiet some money because it was mainly name brands I had bought. She even sold the outfit I took my baby home from the hospital. My next baby was another girl 2 years after the first and i had to buy all the things all over again!. These are your things! It is your choice to lent them, give them away or sell them. They do not have the right to make the choice for you. I made quilts out of the baby outfits of my babies. But not for my first daughter because they are gone. If you have outfits that you do not want to keep then you can choose to give it away. That does not make you selfish, inconsiderate or greedy. It makes you human!!! I told my sister why I will not borrow her any more things. So did the rest of the family. She has a habit on selling things that are borrowed to her. But one more advice, do not follow their bad example on talking to other family members about this. It is non of their business and will just cause bad blood. But be honest with your brother in law. Or have your husband talk to him. It is better then keeping them guessing. THey can be as mad as they want...it is your choice not theirs

Jen - posted on 09/05/2011

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Absolutely not. I believe in handing stuff down if you aren't planning on having anymore children, but if you plan on having more keep it for yourself. Your brother in law sounds like a selfish man. I take it , it is your husbands brother. Just tell him flat out NO you aren't getting my stuff.

Regina - posted on 09/05/2011

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Your best bet is to quit "loaning" items to them. Or, take a deposit from them. It is YOUR right to keep anything that you've paid for. They've chosen to have children just as you have, they should be expected to clothe their children, just as you do!
And to make money off of items you've paid for - - - BIG NO WAY in my book.
I think you're trying to not to cause a riff in the family, by keeping quiet, however, you can bluntly mention that you don't appreciate the fact that they expect your hand-me-downs, you are planning on having more children and boy, keeping your daughter's clothes might actually save you money in the long run, therefore you'll be unable to pass anything else along.

Rebecca - posted on 09/05/2011

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No! If they can't understand that you are saving your things for your next possible daughter that is their problem. It sounds like they are taking advantage of you.

Starr - posted on 09/05/2011

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I would flat out tell them why!! That's extremely rude on their part! If you told them you wanted it back when they were done using it and they sold it, then in my book that's stealing!!

Jennifer - posted on 09/05/2011

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Oh for goodness sake - they are just things! How old are you people. I am sure your next child (if a boy) will look wonderful in his cute little hand-me-down pink girly stuff. Give them the stuff you do not want to pass on to your own child. Is it worth it to strain your family relationship for the sake of old clothes. I watch American based shows on TV and they emphasize how materialistic people are becoming. The country I live in we have two young school boys who get people to bring all their old clothes (and if you wish new clothes) to our big sports events and these are taken and given to the less privileged. You say your brother-in-law's apartment is small so I assume they are less fortunate than you are. I promise you that if you give with a good generous heart your reward WILL be great. The joy of giving is immense. Your country also produced the movie "Pay It Forward" - rent it to refresh your memory. Give the stuff away and when necessary - buy more. Does your next child not deserve the same consideration as your first. Buy HIM new ones.

Renee - posted on 09/05/2011

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No. No one is forcing you to give away your things. If you plan on keeping them, just say so. I gave away a lot of my daughters' everyday wear but special items such as her Christmas dresses I saved. Wouldn't you know, she has 2 boys.

Julie - posted on 09/05/2011

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doesn't matter what the item is - if you lend it to someone and they deliberately sell it knowing full well you were expecting it back - that is theft.

The fact that they come back and ask to basically steal more of your stuff shows they are messed up people.

Laura - posted on 09/05/2011

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They are the brats and worse yet...spoiled and ungrateful!
It is written nowhere that you have taken their children to raise and support. I don't blame you one bit. Tell them that as you have told them in the past that you had lent them things and they have not returned them and as they have sold your items and not given you the proceeds from said sale....that you have chosen to keep your baby items for the arrival of baby #2.

[deleted account]

I'm not sure if you read the letter, Rachael...the writer won't be getting the things back because they've been sold. Now, about that greed part...

Racheal - posted on 09/05/2011

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i think that every 1 is just telling u what u want 2 hear , they are family and if the cloths don't fit ur little girl them pass then on they are just sitting there collecting dust ,for what just in case ? thats so greedy , in my family we pass them around , i have 3 girls, my family has has mostly girls and we have been passing around the cloths , the cloths will come back 2 u if u have a girl, its just the right thing 2 do , its really sad that all these people agree with greed , very sad and the thing is i bet ur in laws would pass them 2 u if the shoe was on the other foot .

[deleted account]

I don't think you're being a brat. It looks like you've tried to make sharing with them work, and they behaved in a way that disrespected that. I would, as someone else said, lend them something I wasn't very attached to and make it clear that you want it returned. Make it clear that if they don't return it (I'm actually galled that they would sell your leant items and expect you to hand over more,) you're done lending things because of their track record. Anything you would give the girls from there on out would be things you gifted the kids with, not things you're personally attached to.
To be honest, whether you plan on having another girl or not really isn't here nor there...the fact is that you purchased those things and you may have other plans for them. It's generous to give, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to give to this couple. You may have friends or a charity that you'd want to give to. You may, yourself, want to have a garage sale. It just seems incredibly presumptuous for the family to act as though you owe BIL and family these things.

Latosha - posted on 09/05/2011

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Although I do not agree with the way your in-law feel entitled, I do feel that you should give as they have a present need. When you give do it knowing that you were apart of the childrens needs being met. In love without worry of where the items will end up later. This heart of giving will open doors for you and your family to be blessed and you will always have more than enough of the BEST! Remember, a closed hand can neither give or recieve.

Melissa - posted on 09/05/2011

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Nope! If you're ttc, then absolutely keep what you want. and NEVER lend what you want returned. Only lend what you are willing to risk never seeing again.

Robin - posted on 09/05/2011

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Not at all....Keep your stuff....Can't believe they don't respect you or your things.....I would find out when their garage sale is and go and TAKE all your stuff back. They have NO right to sell your things without your permission...furthermore, tell them they are not respecing you and your things, so you are not giving them anymore.

Lisa - posted on 09/05/2011

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Don't you dare give them another item. You have every right to hold the things that your family WORKS hard to PAY for. I personally if I never had another girl wouldn't give them my items-not after they have sold items of yours that you advised you would like back. Best of luck!

Mamtah - posted on 09/04/2011

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no not at all.Stop being a mother for them and their child,its a very usual mistake almost all womens make.I did the same but have got rid of this habit.

Jolene - posted on 09/04/2011

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There is a difference between being generous because you want to help someone, like when your did share and let them borrow. And then it is a totally different feeling when it is expected of you to give them your things. I think it is fine to save your items for a future child. I did the same thing with all 5 of my children. Boxed it up and labeled the size and if it was boys or girls clothing.
I too, had a hard time giving my things away when it was expected that they were getting them, or when called and asked if there was any handy me downs coming there way, because their child had out grown the last ones. I really felt like saying then I guess you will need to go and buy some like I have to when my child has outgrown their clothes. :D So I don't think you are being bratty, but when things are expected it takes the JOY out of helping when you are willing and able.

Laura - posted on 09/04/2011

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No. You are being wise. You are not responsible for what they do and they cannot tell you what to do with things you purchase. Tell them to attend some garage sales and buy what they need since they like garage sales so much.

Stacey - posted on 09/04/2011

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i would tell anyone in the family including them that you would have no problem LENDING them things but are not able 2 due to them never giving things back and by selling what you have lent them for money. very disrecpectfull of them. or i would tell them that they can buy themselves girl things with the money that they made from selling your stuff.

Shelly - posted on 09/04/2011

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No. You have no obligation to give them anything. You are, however, obligated to your own daughter and future children. In this economy you have every right to keep what is rightfully yours to use in the future

Lucinda - posted on 09/04/2011

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They are your items you can do with them what you like. They will get over it and if they don' so be it. You entrusted your stuff with them and they misused the items, I think they are being selfish, and they need to grow up and buy their own stuff. It would be fine if they would take care of it, but they have proven to you that they don't.

Brandi - posted on 09/04/2011

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Absolutely not!!! If you have some things you are willing to part with, I'd tell them that you were going to sell them on ebay or craigslist and give them first dibs on it (at the price you are selling it). If they ask for anything else, just let them know you are saving it for you next one because you can't afford to replace everything. The economy is rough and if that is why they expect the hand-me-downs, then they need to be reminded of that.

Melody - posted on 09/04/2011

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Absolutely not! They are acting entitled and immature. If they already knew baby #2 was a girl, and they were going to need it again, why would they sell it? My sister in law acts the same way. She had boy/girl twins 9 mths after my son was born and expected to get all our old stuff, right down to the car seat, even though we were planning on having another baby. My hubby's mom guilted me into giving the seat to her, and I told her that when she was done I wanted it back because it matched the stroller we had. Well, she gave it back alright. After she had a car accident! She actually told my other sister in law that she was being generous by giving it to me! I refused to put my new baby in that seat. I say stick to your guns. If they can't respect you or your things enough to return them when they're done with them, then they don't need your things. If you really feel like you should give them some stuff, only give them the stuff you don't want back since you probably won't see it again anyways.

Kerry - posted on 09/04/2011

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I agree with you! It's not your job to clothe someone else children, especially if you plan on using the clothes. I would never just expect someone to give me hand me downs, especially if I knew they were planning on having another child.

Merri-Lee - posted on 09/04/2011

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honestly its your daughter things and you have the right to do with it as you please... dont let people try to strong arm you. be polite but firm.

Gail - posted on 09/04/2011

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Absolutely not! You are planning on expanding your family and you never know what god will give you and there is no harm in being prepared. Tell them straight out that when you do give them things you expect them to take care of them and their not.

Melissa - posted on 09/04/2011

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Only give them your junk! If there is stuff you truely don't want then fine, If you give them your stained crappy stuff, maybe they will stop expecting stuff, save the good stuff for your next child! Even if you don't have another child of the same sex, give it too good will or someone who will appreciate it more than them. Obviously they are not appreciative of BORROWING!

Amy - posted on 09/04/2011

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IIf it is in your heart to give then do it. However if you lend something don't expect it back. My feeling is that kids stuff is so expensive and your smart to hold on to it. If they are selling your things without asking you, then they are not appreciative. Also it might turn into a pattern and you need to set your boundaries!!

Melanie - posted on 09/04/2011

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NO you are NOT being a brat. thats your babys things and its your decision.

Jenee - posted on 09/04/2011

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No Way !! It was their decision to have children not yours. They need to be responsible for their own children- just as you are responsible for yours. It sounds to me they have been very disrespectful of the things you have lent them.

Tonya - posted on 09/04/2011

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Your brother-in-law is not entitled to anything you own, even is you don't plan on having another child. He and his girlfriend are responsible for providing for their children themselves. If they are cash strapped there are many ways to find used baby stuff. You are not being a brat nor are you stingy. You are just taking care of your, family--and that includes family members that haven't been born yet.

Julia - posted on 09/04/2011

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Your not being a brat at all, why buy stuff get rid of it only to replace it again, having one child is expensive and to have another you want to have money to take them out, spoil them. B****cks to your brother in law and his bird.. Their baby is not your responsibility to clothe. X

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