Am I being too irrational?

Katt - posted on 12/17/2009 ( 83 moms have responded )

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My boyfriends parents are retired and for the past 3 years they go to Phoenix Jan, Feb and March to get away from all the snow here in Canada ( I don't blame them ) However my daughters birthday is Jan 26th, they weren't here when she was born they came home a week later and now they said they won't be coming at all to her birthday. They have 3 other grandchildren and are able to make it to all of their birthdays because it doesn't fall when they are in Phoenix. My boyfriend and I think it is completely un fair and crazy that they wouldn't want to come and would much rather be somewhere hot than at their grand daughters first birthday....Are we being to irrational? Or are we actually mad for a good reason?



** To get this straight. I understand that she won't remember and that she doesn't care who comes HOWEVER if they weren't here when she was born then they go ALL year knowing what day her birthday is and don't even attempt to plan around it, then they are never going to come to her birthday. I'm worried about that mainly....she is going to grow up seeing them come to all her cousins birthday and not hers, she will not be old enough to understand and it will hurt her. I could care less if they come it's mainly for the sake of my daughter....If they don't come this year who's to say they will ever come***

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Crystal - posted on 12/17/2009

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It is a sad situation, and it does suck, but kids dont always see somethings as a betrayl like we do. I would just always invite them and then leave it up to them. My father has missed 3/7 of my son's birthday parties because he was away fighting fires. We just told my little guy where he was and that he'd see him when he got home. My dad brought a present a few weeks later when he returned, and my son was delighted to get more presents. Kids understand people have places to be, or choose to be. If your inlaws go during those months as a yearly tradition, your daughter will probably just accept that as a fact, not a choice. This would be best for her anyway, not to feel less important, or ditched. For many years, if not longer, she will just focus on who is there and what celebrations are happening. Id be positive about the great life she has, and her loved ones there with her. If you don't make it a big deal, chances are, to her it wont be either. She is blessed to have great parents who want her to feel loved, and other wonderful ppl in her life too! :)

Anne - posted on 12/17/2009

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I have suggestion, do both of you have computers? If you do and you have or could get web cams with microphones you could go to the website www.skype.com and download a free program that would allow you to talk to each other face to face. Then you could decide when you are going to put your daughters Birthday cake in front of her and you both could be on the computers and they could at least watch her reaction to the cake. If they continue to go to Phoenix each year as she gets older it would be a great way for all of you to keep in touch in a more personal way.

When our youngest daughter was in South America last year for a Semester Abroad for college we were able to "Meet" the people she lived with. It really helped to be able to see her and talk to her on her 21st Birthday. I hope this has helped.

As far as how you feel about this I would have your boyfriend explain to his parents that you will both miss not having them at your daughters Birthday and ask them if they could post pone their trip for a few weeks. If they can not try not to let this get in the way of your relationship with them. Our daughters only have one grandparent between my husband and I. I am very glad that our daughters although older have kept in contact with my mother-in-law over the years.

Angie - posted on 12/20/2009

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Quoting Megan:



Quoting Angie:




Quoting Megan:





Quoting Angie:

I think you're being irrational. How can you expect them to come all the way back to Canada from Phoenix for a birthday party? I'm sure they'd like to come it's just too far away for them to make the trip. I think it's amazing that they came back after her birth.









They leave in January, they could leave a little later so they didn't have to come back. The birth of a baby is something special and ai think every grandmother and grandfather would want to be there for and for sure come back to see their grandchild if they miss the birth. I don't think it is amazing they came back after the birth when they knew the baby was coming and they could have just dealt wit the snow a month longer and been there. If my mother wasn't there i would be so hurt. My mom nor my mother in law would never miss something like that and would be so heartbroken if they did. My father in law missed my son being born because he was out of town for work and I went into labor. He was there the next day to meet his grandson and was upset he missed the special day. I guess some people just see things differently and don't think of a birth of a baby as special and amazing as I do. Also anything can happen bad or good during labor and I am sure they would have felt horrible if something bad would have happened that they weren't there for emotional support!












You're right, I guess we just see things differently.  I don't have to have my mom and dad catering to my every whim.  When I said it was amazing, I meant I thought they were being good grandparents to make such a long trip back.  I would never ask, or expect, my parents to go from New Mexico to Wyoming, where we live, for my children's birthday.  It's too far and I love them too much to ask them to put themselves in danger in the middle of the winter for 1 day.









I don't have my mother and father catering to my every needs, just think the birth of a child is something grandparents should want to be there for.....i guess i don't understand how you take that as catering to my every whim? I guess i just have a close family and family in law that takes this stuff very seriously and wants to be apart of new family member coming into the world! I think you are right that we see things differently...i guess getting away from the cold is more important to them than seeing their grandchild born....





Actually I am very close to my parents but they were not here for the birth of any of my children - I had my husband with me and didn't need anyone else.  They have never been with my children on their birthdays - 36 birthdays in total between 3 children.  My children never felt deprived because their grandparents call them on every birthday and always send them a gift.   I  realize that they have lives and me and my children are not, and should not be, the center of their universe.  Let it go, it's not going to change and only bad can come from you making such a big deal out of it.  Even if you and your bf don't talk about it in front of your daughter she will pick up on your bad feelings toward her grandparents. I think the idea of doing an early birthday with your daughter's grandparents is a great compromise to this situation.

Firebird - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

you do realise how expensive traveling is don't you?

If my MIL traveled to every grandchilds birthday celebration she would never be home.

Use some common sense. They are old and the cold pains them. I'm not old but I have a lot of broken bones and the cold here in Arizona pains me! I know how they feel.

They obviously care for their grandkids, if this is so important you should travel to them.


Hell, I'm only 24 and because of a few sports injuries and a car accident as a teenager, the cold pains me too! lol Canadian winters get harsh (especially if you're in northern Canada) and if I could go someplace warm every winter I surely would.



My Meme and Pepe went to arizona for the winter for my entire life and since my birthday is in March, I can't recall as single one of my birthdays that they attended. Does that bother me? Not even a little bit. They called me every year to sing me happy birthday. That was good enough. They've always loved me and I've always known it. R.I.P. Meme! ♥



The way I see it, when baby grows up and starts seeing the pictures, she will only be upset that her grandparents aren't there if mom and dad make a big deal out of it. So Katt, instead of going on and on about who wasn't there, try focusing on who was there and how much fun your daughter had at the party when you start showing her pics. She may not even ask why her grandparents aren't in the pictures.

Brandi - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Brona:

Yes, this is their habit and it isn't personal, so don't take it personally. Send photos and plan on a get together when they return for a special grandparents-baby birthday celebration. It could become a nice tradition, something they all look forward to instead of there being angst and resentment. Life is way too short for these types of situations to get the better of us. It is a long life ahead with baby and family. Your child's reaction will be based on your reaction. If you are matter of fact as she gets older that she celebrates her birthday special with her grandparents whenever because they are not in town during her actual birthday, then she will be matter of fact about it too. It will be a non issue. Meanwhile, enjoy the milestone!



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Terina - posted on 05/13/2012

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totally understand where your coming from , id be pissed off too even , has anyone pointed the facts out to them what was their response to this ? i know she wont remeber but you will i had similar issues with birthday card with my kids, sounds pathetic now im writting it down basically it seems the family miss my kids birthday every year when i ALWAYS by them a card, sounds stupid i know but they bloody know when their birthday is and theres no effert and the year i may forget them im picked up on it by other other members of the family. i had the response one year dont worry they wont know ( my kids are 5 and 2 ) but i keep their cards sad i know :-) it bugs me how families can be so double stndard! all the kids should be treated equally no matter how far away they are. i know what its like on a personal level to feel so differently treated by my own nan n grandad,IF i ever got a card from them it was always the wrong age , me and my cousin that lived near to us who she saw so regualerly was the same age and she knew that im sure , and if on the odd occasio she mightve bothered with a pressent mine were alwys broken ! ive grown up not wanting a realtionship with them weather its intentional what they did or not sure but one thing i do know shes not bothered ! last time i saw her at my aunts wedding she asked my cousin who i was ! she thought i was a freind of my cousin. i hope it dosnet come to that in your family

Crystal - posted on 12/21/2009

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You have to understand it from their view as well... they are retired this is their dream her birthday isn't near the start of the month probably when they go so holding off means weeks of time and money for something they have worked hard for years to have now they are kid and work free. They could make the effort but do understand it from that point. On the other hand no your not irrational it is offensive and they should realize that. It's not nice to be secluded from the family so to speak and family should come first. But honestly some people are like that and there isn't much you can do even though it is hard it just is. Unfortunately they feel like going in Jan instead of another time which is sad for your daughter. She won't remember now but she will when she is older and she will question the photos but it won't be a big deal unless it is made one. So have all the rest of the family there instead!

Stina - posted on 12/20/2009

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This is the way I think of my parents in relation to my children:

They are MY children. My parents had children- who are all grown now. So. any time they are able to spend with them, any way they are able to help with them- that's great. HOWEVER, they have lives. My mom has been finishing a degree. My stepdad is starting his own buisness and volunteers heavily in the community. My parents did not choose to have babies and all the responsibilities that comes with them. They love my children dearly- but I don't expect my parents to rearrange thier lives and make sacrifices for the sake of being there for my children. They are there when they can be and that is enough.

So. My parents are invited to birthdays etc. and since we live close-by, I take into consideration my parents schedule when planning so that I know they will be able to come. When we lived further away from them, I let them know when the b-day party would be, but they weren't there for my dd's first birthday. No big deal. I don't even remember why they couldn't make it.

You are an adult- your parents get to do things like fly south for the winter child-free. Don't take it personally that they aren't there for your dd's b-days and your daughter will probably think nothing of it as she gets older. If you really want your parents to be part of the celebration, ask them when they plan to leave and plan the party accordingly.

Kandy - posted on 12/20/2009

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I dont know the age or health of the grandparents, and im not taking their side, but i do know that as you get older the cold does affect some ppl more than others....Instead of having her grow up without her grandparents at any of her birthday parties, maybe you could sit down with them and discuss maybe having a "private early " birthday party for her before they leave on vacation.... That way everyone wins...she gets to feel extra special because she's the only one to have a private grandparent party, they wont miss out on celebrating with her and they can still enjoy the warm weather...Its just a suggestion but it sounds like it would work out better that way without any resentment , stress, or hurt feelings

Katt - posted on 12/20/2009

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Of course when she is older and asks I will not and never would back talk her grandparents and I would never make a big deal about it around her. The only time my b/f and I talk about it is when she's in bed. I'm not sure if this is bad or not but I don't feel like even trying to include them anymore. We've invited them and expressed to them how we feel and it's like it means nothing. Why would I try and make an effort if they won't. For now it is how it is and we can't change them but we can express our feelings to them. When she asks and gets upset over it then I'll deal with it. Thanks for everyones advice!

Krystal - posted on 12/20/2009

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i know how you feel my grandparents did that to me so to this day they still don't celebrate my birthday and I'm now 25. i wouldn't say your being irrational at all

Ingrid - posted on 12/20/2009

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A simple solution would be that once she is old enough to understand what's going on, have a compromise party. Explain to your in-laws your concerns and then offer to make an early birthday party for her right before they leave. Explain to her why you are doing it, and that it will be extra special. Then plan something special or ask the grandparent in laws to plan it. Maybe they could take her to a zoo, kids museum, movie etc. She will have a special time with them to remember and they will have they're holiday.

Gail - posted on 12/20/2009

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Quoting Kate:



Quoting Donna:




Quoting Kate:

Well, I can see your side and your "in-laws" (don't know any other way to put it?) side. Maybe instead of insisting they fly back (which costs money and takes up time and they are older so the cold may really bother them) why not offer to fly out there and have a birthday party in the desert?







Or the in-laws could leave for their holiday a little later than usual.









Excellent point. :)





Why don't you move the birthday party earlier before they go.  As you said she is a baby and she will not know the difference in date.  I moved both my girls party forward to the being of the month so all could come to their party this year.    Then do a family party on the day.



 

Lori - posted on 12/20/2009

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Agree w/Rachael. We cannot choose how others act toward us or our children. We can love them and support them. Until your child is old enough to start asking questions don't make a big deal of it. When she does ask questions be honest but don't speak badly of her grandparents. It may be a better idea to have a 'half' birthday with her grandparents in the summer when it is more convenient for them. I have 3 children with summer birthdays that had 'half' birthdays at school so they wouldn't feel left out.

Rachael - posted on 12/20/2009

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I feel 4 you but alas you are not the only one. your baby girl will remember what you want her to. go ahead and make your plans regardless of weather they choose to come or not.. this time is about your daughter not her grandparents if they choose not to include themselves in this event then you may want to not include them in other family birthdays..its easy for me to say as my boys are now 20 n 21. but beleive me they now choose who they want at their birthdays.. just having had a 21st this month and my son's choice to invite only his grandparent (1 of ) who has always been there for him, turned out just fine.. if you make such a big deal about what IS happening rather than what isnt she will always have a lovely bday.. good luck.. and its their loss remember that..

Rachael - posted on 12/20/2009

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Quoting Katt:

Am I being too irrational?

My boyfriends parents are retired and for the past 3 years they go to Phoenix Jan, Feb and March to get away from all the snow here in Canada ( I don't blame them ) However my daughters birthday is Jan 26th, they weren't here when she was born they came home a week later and now they said they won't be coming at all to her birthday. They have 3 other grandchildren and are able to make it to all of their birthdays because it doesn't fall when they are in Phoenix. My boyfriend and I think it is completely un fair and crazy that they wouldn't want to come and would much rather be somewhere hot than at their grand daughters first birthday....Are we being to irrational? Or are we actually mad for a good reason?

** To get this straight. I understand that she won't remember and that she doesn't care who comes HOWEVER if they weren't here when she was born then they go ALL year knowing what day her birthday is and don't even attempt to plan around it, then they are never going to come to her birthday. I'm worried about that mainly....she is going to grow up seeing them come to all her cousins birthday and not hers, she will not be old enough to understand and it will hurt her. I could care less if they come it's mainly for the sake of my daughter....If they don't come this year who's to say they will ever come***


 

Mary - posted on 12/20/2009

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My daughters birthday is in July so that means no bringing cupcakes to school to share and most of her friends are not around in July to celebrate, what I do instead is have a half birthday for her, since her birthday is in July I bring cupcakes to school in January, when she is 5 and a half, she understands now that her birthday comes at time when school is no longer in session and she is ok with this arrangement, maybe you could do the same with your boyfriends parents have a special birthday party for just your daughter and them, kids understand more than you think if you explain it to them in a loving way and not to point fingers, make it special for her and your boyfriends parents.

Marji - posted on 12/19/2009

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She will remember things that you help her put in her memory. Do what is best for her even when you have to put your emotions aside. You can explain what she is able to understand. Maybe have a special 2nd birthday just with these grandparents. Make a big deal of it. Talk to them and tell them your concerns and see if you all can come up with a plan for her sake. I am 57 and have raised a grandson who is now 17. We have had to improvise and change things because I am a widow and have some arthritis issues but we dont let anything stop us. You would be surprised at how kids are when you let them work with you. She is the most precious thing to you I can tell and you will be able to work thru anything. Try to put a positive spin on everything. God bless you. This is a very exciting time in your life. Please make the best of it because it goes too fast! Merry Christmas

Trina - posted on 12/19/2009

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I would feel the same way if not more mad if either side of my kids' grandparents weren't interested in coming to their grandchild's birthday. Especially if they weren't there for the birth. She may not remember this one but she's of course going to remember later in life and for her to see her grandparents go to her cousins birthdays and not hers is I think going to cause emotional pain (like what's wrong with me, or what did I do wrong, or they must not love me as much) and resentment towards them. I'm no head Dr. but that just seems like duh. I don't think you're overreacting at all. No parent wants to see their kid left out and when it comes down to it grandparents should NEVER leave out any of their grand kids.

Marji - posted on 12/19/2009

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Maybe you could try killing them with kindness. If you are able to video tape the events or even if you could take pictures or give them a scrapbook documenting all the events they miss they will see for themselves just what they are missing and come around. Just dont let it spoil the specialness for your family.

Rosie - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Katt:



Quoting kati:

i would be upset, but if they are there for their grandchild alot of the time after their trip, i would say that your child won't mind to much. my husbands mother lives 4 blocks away from us and only sees our kids when there is a family function, his father lives 25 min. away and only sees them on their birthdays and christmas. i would much rather have your situation (if they see your child alot when they aren't on their vacation) then to have to explain to my children who "grandpa bill" is every christmas.





thats just the thing, they are NEVER around they are always in Montana or Creston building their new house and cabin. Hailee has seen them probably 10-15 times. They are moving to creston which is 5 hours away.





it's their loss then. hopefully your parents are like mine, and whine and moan if they don't get to see their grandkids everyday. my children have a great relationship with my parents and i believe it fills the void from their other grandparents not giving a crap-and mind you my kids are their only grandchildren. it does upset me, but i've learned to live with it and realize i can't change them. i just encourage them to spend more time with my parents to get enough grandparent love from them to make up for what they are missing on the other side.

Janie - posted on 12/19/2009

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I have a suggestion: Now that we all have Skype available. I would create a very special phone call with pictures of the cake and the call-then say 'good bye', and let her party continue. They and you can connect on her most special day, in that way. You are her role models and she will feel much like you do about it, for that reason..You are making yourself upset over something that does not have to be an issue. It is their loss. You might want to re-evaluate your feelings about how they treat you... I think we let go of these things as we all mature. (Immaturity is not attractive in anyone.) In the end of it all, each person needs to do what they want to. I would kill them with kindness, with no regrets. Fake it until you feel it, with real love, until you feel your heart growing.

I like Brandi's idea of an early private, cup cake celebration.

Brandi - posted on 12/19/2009

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If going away at this time every year is part of their yearly ritual, it isn't really fair for you to have them come to your daughter's birthday party, HOWEVER, i would feel a little upset as well. This may sound a little crazy, but I'm big into trying to find a common ground and/or compromise. MAYBE you could have a small celebration with JUST your in laws, so they too can celebrate and your daughter will actually feel more special as she grows older cuz only SHE gets a private dinner or little party with grandma and grandpa (or whatever she'll call them lol) While she's little, you could plan to have them over one night shortly before they leave for dinner and some cupcakes or something. Let them know that it is a combination farewell/early birthday celebration for your daughter so they don't miss it. I think that might be a nice way to make everyone happy.

Megan - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

lmao WHO is 19? Not me.

I think its stupid to expect them to put off an trip from Canada to AZ for a birthday. Not even their only grandchilds' birthday. One of what? 4 or 5?

My mom was over th moon with her first grandchild. The others are special but its old hat now.

You're just 19 yrs old, not married to their son, the relationship could end any time, how much of themselves should they invest in someone who hasn't invested much in them?

How many relationships do we read about here where the grandparents have no rights? where the mother or father wants nothing to do with the inlaws?

I still think you're being irrational.

I've worked with senior citizens and the handicapped for most of my life. I have a first hand insight to their infirmities. Time to grow up and learn to see it from the other side.


katt is 19 so i don't think the grand parents are that old! sharon this is your opinion...so since she is not the only granchild she is less special?...darn them other grandkids! wow "time to grow up" that would be for you. Because she is not married to their son her daughter is less special...this is not about her it is about the grandchild. I think you should think about what you write before you write it..... " You're just 19 yrs old, not married to their son, the relationship could end any time, how much of themselves should they invest in someone who hasn't invested much in them? " that grandchild will and should be in their life regardless that is their blood.....u know how many marriages end since we do have a 50% divorce rate...what makes marriage so great and how does that make a child more important........sharon lmao ok u are not 19 that is ok because you are acting like you are 10! it is ok to have an opinion but some things you say can and should be left to yourself.....i am saddened to hear that your mother was more excited about her first grand baby and the others and future others are just "old hat" my mother and mother in law are just as excited for the 8th as they were for the 1st...every baby is special and is a blessing. To me family is everything and i would do anything for my family and they would do the same as well...in the end family is all you have...This is my last post to this discussion because this is just childish and getting very annoying...good luck katt!

Holly - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Andrea:

Well I have to say that I understand 100% my "father" only live 45 mins from myself, grandkids and my hubby... He didn't bother to show up for my son's first b-day and I don't look for him to show up for my daughter's either.. He and his girlfriend have only seen my son a handful of times and only seen my daughter once in 8 months.. So don't feel to badly they will be the one's missing out.. I have had to cut all contact with him and his gf.. They really make no effort to see my kids or us nor do they call,stop over.. They do nothing and I have tried everything in my power to try and get him involved.. It is one of those things that if they aren't able to make or don't want to then they will be the one that has to explain it to your daughter.. I told my "father" that i was done trying and that if he wanted to see us he knew where to find us.. The most upsetting part for me is that when our daughter was born we didn't know if she was going to make it or not.. She was born at 36 weeks with gastroschisis (insides were outside her body) Where we had her told us that it was 50/50... We called and told every one my mom,step-dad, hubby's parents and many other family showed up just in case.. Why my "father" and his gf didn't even call to see how she was doing... I also rolled my van 2 months ago, had my kids with me and he never once called me to see if we were ok.. ( as my big brother called him to let him know) He never called my brother back either to check and see.. So over all just relax and enjoy your daughter.. They will figure it out i just hope that your daughter will have a very happy 1st b-day.. Yes, they won't remeber it but it is the most important birthday for a first time mommy.. So you and your boyfriend just enjoy the day with your little girl... Have a merry x-mas and wishing you all the best... Ever need to vent look me up... Take care...


so sad, we are the same way my husbands mother has never bothered with my daughter even while living next door didn't know her birthday didnt acknowledge her at xmas nothing but always saw the other grandkids, I eventually had enough and we cut all ties with her because I felt the same you don't want to see her you don't deserve to, I had my second daughter last december my husband didn't get a phonecall nothing we still live in the same town now 5 minutes apart hasn't seen his mother she doesnt know our daughter maybe not even her name, I had a hard time grasping it at first but now Im o.k with it and happy, my husband is upset but thats his issues

Theresa - posted on 12/19/2009

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My question is why won't they come back.. it is expensive to travel back for a weekend. If finances are a concern then I understand their side as well. If that is the case you could have a seperate birthday party with them when they get back (especially as your daughter gets older). that way she doesn't fell like they don't care about her. I do understand why you are hurt though. My in-laws couldn't make it until after my daughters first birthday either. I just figure it stretches out their birthday celebration. As long as they treat her special when they are around she will learn to understand that even though they aren't there on the exact day that she still is special and they still want to help her celebrate.

Katt - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

lmao WHO is 19? Not me.

I think its stupid to expect them to put off an trip from Canada to AZ for a birthday. Not even their only grandchilds' birthday. One of what? 4 or 5?

My mom was over th moon with her first grandchild. The others are special but its old hat now.

You're just 19 yrs old, not married to their son, the relationship could end any time, how much of themselves should they invest in someone who hasn't invested much in them?

How many relationships do we read about here where the grandparents have no rights? where the mother or father wants nothing to do with the inlaws?

I still think you're being irrational.

I've worked with senior citizens and the handicapped for most of my life. I have a first hand insight to their infirmities. Time to grow up and learn to see it from the other side.


I'm actually 20. 



We actually have a great relationship and since when because were not married does that make my daughter less special. They have another grandchild who's parents arn't married and do more for him. 



 



I don't know where you get off saying this because I never said I didn't want anything to do with them. If anything you would think I want them in mine and my daughters life. Which I do, which is why i'm so upset over it.

Katt - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting kati:

i would be upset, but if they are there for their grandchild alot of the time after their trip, i would say that your child won't mind to much. my husbands mother lives 4 blocks away from us and only sees our kids when there is a family function, his father lives 25 min. away and only sees them on their birthdays and christmas. i would much rather have your situation (if they see your child alot when they aren't on their vacation) then to have to explain to my children who "grandpa bill" is every christmas.


thats just the thing, they are NEVER around they are always in Montana or Creston building their new house and cabin. Hailee has seen them probably 10-15 times. They are moving to creston which is 5 hours away.

Melissa - posted on 12/19/2009

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You are not being irrational. If they can afford to take off for 3 months, then why cant they fly there for a birthday. I actaully go through the same kinda thong. Its not fair that they can do something for one grandchild and not the other.

Dianne - posted on 12/19/2009

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Just one thing for you to consider - I dont know what age the people in question are or their health issues, but I am 45 and have asthma and have found that every year winter is harder and harder to get through. Maybe they need to get away for a reason like that. I wish I could; and isnt it better to have the grandparents for a bit of the year than to lose them?

Brandi - posted on 12/19/2009

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Have you consisdered a 'welcome home' party for the grandparents when they come back to Canada? That could be a new tradition every year that you celebrate Grandma and Grandpa coming back from thier trip and your child's birthday on the same day. I had alot of cousins born in Late Feb, early March (I'm March 2) so we always had a big family party one weekend so the family wouldn't have to make it to several parties within two weeks!

Brona - posted on 12/19/2009

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Yes, this is their habit and it isn't personal, so don't take it personally. Send photos and plan on a get together when they return for a special grandparents-baby birthday celebration. It could become a nice tradition, something they all look forward to instead of there being angst and resentment. Life is way too short for these types of situations to get the better of us. It is a long life ahead with baby and family. Your child's reaction will be based on your reaction. If you are matter of fact as she gets older that she celebrates her birthday special with her grandparents whenever because they are not in town during her actual birthday, then she will be matter of fact about it too. It will be a non issue. Meanwhile, enjoy the milestone!

Sharon - posted on 12/19/2009

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lmao WHO is 19? Not me.

I think its stupid to expect them to put off an trip from Canada to AZ for a birthday. Not even their only grandchilds' birthday. One of what? 4 or 5?

My mom was over th moon with her first grandchild. The others are special but its old hat now.

You're just 19 yrs old, not married to their son, the relationship could end any time, how much of themselves should they invest in someone who hasn't invested much in them?

How many relationships do we read about here where the grandparents have no rights? where the mother or father wants nothing to do with the inlaws?

I still think you're being irrational.

I've worked with senior citizens and the handicapped for most of my life. I have a first hand insight to their infirmities. Time to grow up and learn to see it from the other side.

Myra - posted on 12/19/2009

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It would really bother me if my daughter's grandparents weren't there for special days...it DOES bother me when her grandfather isn't there -- and me and my husband's parents are not far from each other. As much as they SHOULD be there on special days, look at how much they are there every other day. Would you say they make up for the time they aren't around? I know you can't replace those special days, but if they are spending good quality time, try to let it be something that just bothers you...not something you are angry over.

This may be a dumb question, and I mean no offense in saying this. There's just no real nice way to put it. Are their other grandchildren also outside of marriage? As unfair as it may seem, grandparents are people, too, and they treat family members differently based on who and what circumstances surround them. If your daughter is the only one not born inside of marriage, it could completely explain everything. Birthdays are a HUGE deal to parents and grandparents, so I'd be willing to bet that there's a bigger reason than the weather being cold for not being there. It being cold is most likely the convenient excuse. I'd be highly mad at them, personally...

Rosie - posted on 12/19/2009

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i would be upset, but if they are there for their grandchild alot of the time after their trip, i would say that your child won't mind to much. my husbands mother lives 4 blocks away from us and only sees our kids when there is a family function, his father lives 25 min. away and only sees them on their birthdays and christmas. i would much rather have your situation (if they see your child alot when they aren't on their vacation) then to have to explain to my children who "grandpa bill" is every christmas.

Jennifer - posted on 12/19/2009

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Sorry , I think you are being irrational. As long as they are not forgetting this grandchild completely you are fine. It is not reasonable to expect the grandparents to change their plans because your child was born in their season for going away.

Megan - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Angie:



Quoting Megan:




Quoting Angie:

I think you're being irrational. How can you expect them to come all the way back to Canada from Phoenix for a birthday party? I'm sure they'd like to come it's just too far away for them to make the trip. I think it's amazing that they came back after her birth.







They leave in January, they could leave a little later so they didn't have to come back. The birth of a baby is something special and ai think every grandmother and grandfather would want to be there for and for sure come back to see their grandchild if they miss the birth. I don't think it is amazing they came back after the birth when they knew the baby was coming and they could have just dealt wit the snow a month longer and been there. If my mother wasn't there i would be so hurt. My mom nor my mother in law would never miss something like that and would be so heartbroken if they did. My father in law missed my son being born because he was out of town for work and I went into labor. He was there the next day to meet his grandson and was upset he missed the special day. I guess some people just see things differently and don't think of a birth of a baby as special and amazing as I do. Also anything can happen bad or good during labor and I am sure they would have felt horrible if something bad would have happened that they weren't there for emotional support!









You're right, I guess we just see things differently.  I don't have to have my mom and dad catering to my every whim.  When I said it was amazing, I meant I thought they were being good grandparents to make such a long trip back.  I would never ask, or expect, my parents to go from New Mexico to Wyoming, where we live, for my children's birthday.  It's too far and I love them too much to ask them to put themselves in danger in the middle of the winter for 1 day.





I don't have my mother and father catering to my every needs, just think the birth of a child is something grandparents should want to be there for.....i guess i don't understand how you take that as catering to my every whim? I guess i just have a close family and family in law that takes this stuff very seriously and wants to be apart of new family member coming into the world! I think you are right that we see things differently...i guess getting away from the cold is more important to them than seeing their grandchild born....

Megan - posted on 12/18/2009

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how "old are they" you are only 19 ....to think they are so old that cold pains them.....i am not saying to come back for everything but the birth and 1st b-day are very special especially for your 1st baby, you want everything perfect and everyone there. i guess my point is to, is that they wait til January to go, it is cold in Nov and Dec so i don't think the cold bothers them that much!

Jane - posted on 12/18/2009

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It is what it is...if you don't ever make a big deal out of it when your baby gets older she won't make a big deal about it either. I don't think this is an issue to get upset about, you can't make people do things they don't want to do.

My MIL only lives a couple of hours away & we usually have to go to her so she can see her grandsons. I stopped being upset about it a long time ago, don't waste your energy being upset about it it's not worth it.

Sharon - posted on 12/18/2009

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you do realise how expensive traveling is don't you?

If my MIL traveled to every grandchilds birthday celebration she would never be home.

Use some common sense. They are old and the cold pains them. I'm not old but I have a lot of broken bones and the cold here in Arizona pains me! I know how they feel.

They obviously care for their grandkids, if this is so important you should travel to them.

Angie - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Megan:



Quoting Angie:

I think you're being irrational. How can you expect them to come all the way back to Canada from Phoenix for a birthday party? I'm sure they'd like to come it's just too far away for them to make the trip. I think it's amazing that they came back after her birth.





They leave in January, they could leave a little later so they didn't have to come back. The birth of a baby is something special and ai think every grandmother and grandfather would want to be there for and for sure come back to see their grandchild if they miss the birth. I don't think it is amazing they came back after the birth when they knew the baby was coming and they could have just dealt wit the snow a month longer and been there. If my mother wasn't there i would be so hurt. My mom nor my mother in law would never miss something like that and would be so heartbroken if they did. My father in law missed my son being born because he was out of town for work and I went into labor. He was there the next day to meet his grandson and was upset he missed the special day. I guess some people just see things differently and don't think of a birth of a baby as special and amazing as I do. Also anything can happen bad or good during labor and I am sure they would have felt horrible if something bad would have happened that they weren't there for emotional support!





You're right, I guess we just see things differently.  I don't have to have my mom and dad catering to my every whim.  When I said it was amazing, I meant I thought they were being good grandparents to make such a long trip back.  I would never ask, or expect, my parents to go from New Mexico to Wyoming, where we live, for my children's birthday.  It's too far and I love them too much to ask them to put themselves in danger in the middle of the winter for 1 day.

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i wouldnt stress about it, your daughter will have a great time and it will be special anyway. you cant force people to behave like youd like so dont waste your time getting upset about it, she will only notice they arnt there if you make a big deal about it. so relax and have a fab time with your baby :))

Jessica - posted on 12/18/2009

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My husband family is the same way, it feels as they favor other grandchildren over my children. When they do give a gift of some sort it's not even like what another grandchild would get. They were not there for either of my childrens births. On the other hand I have great family who is always there for you so it kind of makes up for it. I hope your family is different. All I can say from experience is it probably won't change. Remember your family is really your child, boyfriend and you. That is who is most important that is there.

Blackwood - posted on 12/18/2009

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It sucks they won't be there, but yes sorry to say irrantional to expect someone to change their plans that they have had year after year too come to one event (even if that event is there grandbaby's b day). If it was a week or so after they were planning on going, then maybe you could ask them to go a week later, but they are retired, they'be paid their dues and do this year after year.

Susan - posted on 12/18/2009

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i think u r mad for a gd reason because i would b if they wanted to go and get away from the cold they could leave after ur daughters birtthday it wouldnt hurt to leave a day later or whatever and if theve only been doing it for 3 years they must of stayed in the cold b 4 that so to tell u the truth if u explaine how ur feeling and they stioll dont cum them i would tell them its going to b there loss and that they shouldnt expect ur daughter to jump for the chance to c them when she is older because she will remember all the times she will have cn her granparents at her cousins partys and never at hers

Megan - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Angie:

I think you're being irrational. How can you expect them to come all the way back to Canada from Phoenix for a birthday party? I'm sure they'd like to come it's just too far away for them to make the trip. I think it's amazing that they came back after her birth.


They leave in January, they could leave a little later so they didn't have to come back. The birth of a baby is something special and ai think every grandmother and grandfather would want to be there for and for sure come back to see their grandchild if they miss the birth. I don't think it is amazing they came back after the birth when they knew the baby was coming and they could have just dealt wit the snow a month longer and been there. If my mother wasn't there i would be so hurt. My mom nor my mother in law would never miss something like that and would be so heartbroken if they did. My father in law missed my son being born because he was out of town for work and I went into labor. He was there the next day to meet his grandson and was upset he missed the special day. I guess some people just see things differently and don't think of a birth of a baby as special and amazing as I do. Also anything can happen bad or good during labor and I am sure they would have felt horrible if something bad would have happened that they weren't there for emotional support!

Megan - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Kristen:

Definitely irrational. Sorry. Just is. Baby won't remember a thing.


Babies grow up and see pictures. And yes may not bother the baby now but it is bothering the parents and they have feeling to and they have feeling for their baby! My father doesn't come around very often to see my kids and I complain about it all the time and have confronted him about it. It's his loss though.  My son is 4 months old and he has seen him 3 times and that includes the time in the hospital and he lives 2 blocks away. They will be the grandparents that the baby is afraid to go to and doesn't know. Babies at 1 year old recognize people and know the people who are around more.  If the parents are hurting then something should change or the grandparents should at least be told. 

Megan - posted on 12/18/2009

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I think if your boyfriend is hurt by this as well then he should say something to his parents. They may not realize how much it is bothering you two. Although you would hope or think they would they may think you two are very good sports about it and are not really minding it at all! Just a thought! have your b/f say that it bothers him and that it would mean a lot to all 3 of you if they would come back and that it really hurt him that they weren't there for then she was born and it took a week to come see her.

Camilla - posted on 12/18/2009

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Hey Katt.
It's a tough one... I understand why you and your boyfriend might be a bit hurt... And I agree with Brandy, that it's their lost.
But I also believe that them being at her 1 year birthday is more important to you two, than to your daughter... She wont care if they are there or not.
If they keep up, not being there for her birthday in the years to come, then I would start being seriously hurt. Because then your daughter will start noticing.
Why don't you invite children her own age to her 1 year birthday and not adults?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I personally would not be as hurt and angry if my parents were'nt able to attend my daughters first b-day, as you seem to be...
But have you talked to them and told them how dissapointed you are? Maybe they'll listen.
Hope I have been helpful in some way. And happy birthday to your daughter :-)

Jessica - posted on 12/18/2009

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If that's being irrational then we can be irrational together! My parents were planning a cruise for this Christmas which really bothered me. It's my daughter's first Christmas and I'd be really upset if they weren't a part of it. True, she won't remember, until she's looking through the pictures and videos and realizes her grandparents aren't there. We talked it out and they decided to stay, but I was a little shocked they were planning it in the first place. She's their first grandchild and I thought being there for her major firsts was just kind of a given. I'd at least try to let them know it would mean a lot to you if they could work something out to be there. Maybe they could celebrate her birthday before they leave? That way she'd get a special little party with her grandparents and they could enjoy their vacation without you feeling like she's getting the short end of the stick. Best of luck!

Julie - posted on 12/18/2009

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This is a stickey one, it is completely normal for you to want to show off your daughter on her first birthday and have all the family around you at that time, it is an important land mark in your daughters life as far as you are concerned.
Unfortunatly the truth is that it is important for you not your daughter, she will not even know what is goging on. The fact that there have been other grandchildren that were born at a different time of year is not the childrens fault. What you need to do is ask yourself would they come home for the other grandchildren if their birthdays fell in the 3 months they are away??

It's not irrational but it is something that could tear a family apart slowly, can you perhaps have the party but have a computer link with acamera so they can see the party and everyone having fun, maybe see what they are missing.
What ever happens good luck and have a great day, it's the only first birthday you will get as parents of that little girl, DON'T let anything spoil it.

Chantelle - posted on 12/18/2009

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its not irrational it the way you feel. and you are intitled to your feelings. can you expect them to change their way of life? no you cant. they have already been parents and are now doing what they want to do and good on them. this will be harder on you than little one and you will cope.
at this moment i am very upset with my mum who lives abroad and is back for christmas and is taking my girls for christmas but is leaving me at home alone for christmas as she says there is no room for me........ it hurts but its life

Caroline - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Katt:



Quoting Kristen:

Definitely irrational. Sorry. Just is. Baby won't remember a thing.





She may not remember now...they go every year they will never come to her birthday. She'll grow up seeing them come to all her cousins birthdays and not hers. Thats whats unfair.





Awe there won't be any photos of her either.



 Chin up...there loss x

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