am I being too uptight?

Rashania - posted on 08/03/2010

Honestly I dnt think ur overreacting. It is one thing if you two watch it together and afterwards end the nite on a gud note...but its another wen he is watching it n turns the other cheek wen the videos are over. We women are sensitive and any little thing can cause us to feel insecure about ourselves; especially if our lovers arent showing us any attention. All I can say is luv ur body girl. That weight is beautiful because it came frm something a man cud never do; n thats bring a child into this world. Men will never understand what we women go thru. We all have our flaws; noone is perfect; if you arent satisfied by the way u look then make any changes necessary that can rise your selfesteem. But dnt try to change urself because ur man shows u no attention, Dnt let a man try to define ur beauty. I hope this makes u feel a lil better..

Christi - posted on 08/03/2010

Well, my husband just informed that he wants a divorce so all this was for not. Thank you for all the feedback though ladies. Guess it'll come in handy if I ever end up in another relationship.

Laura Zoey - posted on 08/03/2010

Christi, I feel so badly for you. No woman or man deserves to be rejected like that. No one. I am so sorry he is not opening up to you. Its not your fault. Its not because of the weight. Its not because of you at all. There might be something you can do to fix it but I think more likely HE will have to make the step to fix it. It is HIS turn to try to help the marriage. Rememer it is each of your responsibility to give 100%. And if he isnt even giving 1% then you know how little it matters how much you give. You might not be able to do anything more! I hate to say it but it might not be fixable right now. You have a few options here:

1 Leave him

2 Wait for him to change

3 Try to make him change

4 Accept it

5 Fight fire with fire

Now leaving him would be so hard on you all and I understand not wanting to do that, but would you be happier single? Not having to deal with the drama of his rejecting you all the time. Seriously consider if you would be healthier and happier away from him.

Now as for waiting for him to change, that would mean just leaving the door open for him but not actively trying to fix him. This could be bad for your self esteem as every day he doesnt choose you it will hurt more But if you cant give him up then this is the next 'best' thing.

Try to make it change is what you are doing now, counseling, dates, vacations, talking, etc this could work but as it sounds like youve tried almost everything it doesnt look too likely he will just open up to you about why this is happening.

Accept it is just coming to terms that he will always prefer porn but you still love him in the other parts of your lives. This means no worrying about his addiction and just realizing that it wont ever change and you are ok with that. Hard to do and might not be possible. You might just end up stifling your emotions until you blow up.

Or you can fight fire with fire. This means actively opposing him, verbaly and sexually. Trying to force him to talk about it and Not giving up when he pushes you away. Testing the waters to find out how badly he really prefers pron. Hiding his porn, Blocking his computer etc. Yes this is radicle. I dont know if its worth it to you to fight him. But at least you know quickly if he will change or leave.



Now after that I have to say that my gut reaction is for you to leave him. I just feel from your posts that you have put in great effort and he isnt going to change. Thats my opinion.



I think you deserve better.



You are a beautiful strong sexy smart funny kind woman and you deserve to be treated like a queen.



Your son loves you and he needs you to be happy.



Please let me know how its going as you decide what to do. I will be praying for you all the time that the best will come true for you.

All my support, Laura

Christi - posted on 08/03/2010

My husband is five years older than me, I am going on 22 and he is about to hit 27. I have a high sex drive as well, lol. I have asked if he is depressed because I think he may be. I have struggled with that most of my life and I am bipolar as well, so it takes one to know one and I think he may be both, but he refuses to get help.

Jennifer, I have tried lingerie and many other things to be more spontaneous and he will turn me down and go pleasure himself later before he goes to sleep.

I don't think pregnancy is a huge concern. I have an IUD and we have been been having sex with it in for over a year and a half so he knows that it isn't a concern. I am going to try and talk with him again tonight. I found a babysitter for our son and I am going to cook his favorite meal and see if he will talk with me.

Thank you for all of the advice everyone, it really is nice to see the different opinions and ideas!

Helen - posted on 08/03/2010

i think twice a day is to much to be honest! my fella watchs it but not while in there and it only bothers me if he does it instead of have sex with me, men like porn that cant be helped

Jennifer - posted on 08/03/2010

I totally understand where you are coming from.. I do.. My husband too watches those movies and I hate it. I am not at the weight I should be and it makes me feel bad about my self. So here is what I did.. I went to the adults only store an bought be a nice black nighty. Just a nice lacy one that comes about mid thigh, and when he wasn't watching I put it on and I went to the couch where he was sitting and sat on his lap and I started kissing him, and I left my nighty on the whole time and I can tell you we had the time of our life.. Just try to find different things that will spice it up a little bit.. Just make it fun for the 2 of you.. Let me know how it goes...

Tisha - posted on 08/03/2010

Oh, it crushed me the first few times I "caught" my husband and yeah it hurt my self-esteem, but what hurt more was the bold face lying. That came with it. But I broke down and told him how I felt, and offered a deal with him that if he wanted to watch porn that I would watch with him, I still sometimes feel degraded, and I told him not to lie to me about it. He saw how much it hurt me and agreed. We hardly ever watch it together and if he does watch it behind my back he hides it better.which I still try to catch him, but if I don't find anything it doesn't bother me, and I have learned that porn can be a good sexual aid for both partners at times. But if u tell him how u feel and he doesn't listen then yeah I say u have a problem. But if he does listen, don't forget porn is addictive. To some and he is a Guy. Try to compromise with him on something u both can deal with.

Amanda - posted on 08/03/2010

Have you asked him if he is depressed? I don’t know why but this idea hit me while I was falling asleep last night. A lot of men turn to masturbation when they are depressed (lets stop talking about the porn it is just a tool to get the masturbation done faster, it really has nothing to do with you. All it is; is a tool). The fact that he is doing this twice a day, and not willing to allow you to join in, it surely a deeper problem then you think. You need to sit him down and ask him why he isn’t happy, (btw when men aren’t happy with their lives it very much shows in the sex department), they are much more sensitive than us woman give them credit for.



Many men when they feel there is a problem in their marriage or life (including if you have the problem in the marriage and they don’t understand how to fix it ie your weight that is clearly only bothering you) they will not “finish the job”. When a mans mind is not blank, he can not relax enough to do his duties.



So instead of having a conversation about sex, why not have a conversation about how he feels your lives are going. If he feels there is anything missing, or that if he feels like he is providing for his family the way he would like to. Find out his real feelings about everything from the home, his job, the children, and you.



It is very possible that your own self esteem issues are now reflecting on him and his actions. Your need to put yourself down, might be causing to make him feel like less a man, since he is not able to keep his wife happy.



What you could do to solve both your problems, is go for a nightly walk after dinner (don’t worry the dirty dishes will still be there when you get home), while on the walk, you can talk about each others dreams, and wants for your family in the future. Make plans on how to improve different things throughout your lives. Great thing about walking is you don’t have to make eye contact, you can say anything you want and not worry about some strange look. So be honest on these walks, and listen to him, men have needs, and wants that are just as important as ours.

Sharon - posted on 08/03/2010

We watch porn together and sometimes my other half watches it alone, It's a personal thing and only you an decide if your comfortable with it.

Jennifer - posted on 08/03/2010

For those who say you should compromise shouldn't your husband compromise too?!? Relaitionships are all about give and take and if you do not like porn then you shouldn't have to associate with it.

How would he like it if you got off watching porn or would he not be bothered? It seems like he's got something on his mind, perhaps hes scared you'll get pregnant again. Whatever it is it isn't an excuse to let porn ruin your marriage. He needs a good kick up the arse!

Vanessa - posted on 08/03/2010

hmmmm.... "you know where the door is" eh?
Ok! I have two ideas! One - call his bluff. Take your boy and leave. It wont take him long to figure out what side his bread was buttered on. You obviously are a loving and caring woman (probably too good for him) and if he's too blind to come to his senses within a week - well he can sod off!
Two: have you got a male friend (maybe a girlfriends hubby) who can have a beer with him and they can discuss guy stuff - bringing up the topic that this is not the norm for every guy!
I think the misconception here is that apparently looking at porn shows a lack of respect for your wife.... I don't think so - I think talking to your mrs like she's no better than fingernail dirt IS a lack of respect. The two are not necessarily synonymous with each other.
Argh! Men like that make me so frustrated!

Louise - posted on 08/03/2010

Christi you are so young and I take it your husband is around the same age? He is in his sexual prime now and probably feels a little overwhelmed by his sex drive knowing full well you are tired from chasing after a toddler all day. I would ignore the situation but just gently point out to him that he must take precautions to protect his son to the exsposure of these sites and that means tidying up after himself. You say in your profile that you are happily married so don't give up just yet. Save for that weekend away and see what happends there and then sit back and think what you are prepared to put up with. Believe me both men and women have fluctuating libidos as I am now approaching my big 40 and have found my libido where my husband has now lost his and is now more interested in Mafia Wars. It swings in roundabouts. As long as you have a mutual ground like a cuddle and small gestures of affection then this will get you through. At some point you will find each other again. People tell you to leave but would you really be happy with this option? Is it just the porn that is the problem in the marriage? It could be much worse he could be cheating on you physically with another woman, he is not he is at home with you!

Candice - posted on 08/03/2010

Wow. "you know where the door is"? heck...walk through it Christi! i can't begin to tell you about the long term damage this is gonna do to your self esteem...trust me...i know. And although i hope you have better luck with the "getaway" idea than i did, in my experience, it won't work. It's like a bandaid on a massive wound. i feel for you babe, i do, but you deserve better.

Christi - posted on 08/03/2010

We have been trying to do something like that Louise, it is just kinda hard. There is only one person I trust to leave my son with overnight and we are working on trying to set up a little get away. My husband works two jobs everyday so he would have to get off and money is an issue, but we do really need the time. I think it will help too. Thank you so much for your feedback. I do ignore it as much as I can. What really pushed me over the edge was my son found a towel he has used to clean up under the couch and was playing with it. It's like he wants to get caught. He will leave the page up on the computer or leave it on the channel on tv before he turns it off, knowing full well I will see it. Maybe some alone time together will help. Thank you again!

Louise - posted on 08/03/2010

Chrisit I think you are in a no win situation. Do you think that if you ignore what he is doing it would not be such an issue. He is now hiding to do his thing. This alone says he is not proud about the whole idea. I know you feel really low about the whole situation and it is playing on your mind that he no longer finds you physically attractive. Could you offord to go away for a weekend somewhere to get to know each other again. Is there anyone who could have your baby if not don't worry take them with you. Just remove him from the situation and spend sometime together. I think you will find that the spark is still there and that sex with you is 10 times better than by himself. He just needs to realise this. My husband does not watch porn but he constantly plays on Mafia wars every night and does not come to bed until the early hours of the morning, making any sort of physical relationship impossible as I get up early for our toddler. I did take this personally and have spent many a night upset and thinking is it me? I can assure you it is not you, men are very one tract and at the moment your husband has found a new interest it is a phase and eventually he will get bored. The more you moan about it the more he will dig his feet in. Ignore it, it is harmless he is at home with you and not out drinking and meeting other women. Try for the weekend away it really will help.

Katherine - posted on 08/03/2010

Sounds to me like he is completely unwilling to change or even work on it. It's time to do some serious thinking.

Christi - posted on 08/02/2010

I like what you said Vanessa, I feel the same way about my husband. If he wanted that, believe me, at this point I would jump at the opportunity to be with my husband. I don't think of it as infedelity, but I have seen it ruin relationships and lead to wandering and I do not want that.

Vanessa - posted on 08/02/2010

I agree with Mandie - I'd feel pretty poop too :-(

Mandie - posted on 08/02/2010

Ohlove. I dont even know how to respond to that. But yr right that's not respectful.

Christi - posted on 08/02/2010

I have tried Mandie and all I get is I'm a man, it's what I do. Don't like it, you know where the door is.

Mandie - posted on 08/02/2010

Oh sweetie that's sad, I'm sorry. Can you talk to him about why?

Christi - posted on 08/02/2010

Thank you for all the feedback. We have been to counseling and things were going so wonderful for a few months, and then our sex life just literally stopped. I thought he had been messing around with an ex, but we talked about it and I thought we were over it.

I guess it's not the fact that he watches porn, I guess it's that when he is with me, he can't get off. I don't want to overshare, but I am extremely... let's say create when it comes to what happens in our bedroom, it was one of the things he loved about me when we got married. He says he still loves it but he just is so tired. I don't know how to be more spontaneous. I take our son to a babysitter and wait for him in lingerie, try to spice things up, but he still feels the need to look at other women. I do find it disrespectful because he knows how I feel about porn. No matter what kind it is, I find it disgusting that a woman would let multiple men have sex with her for a living. If you don't agree, that's your opinion and I respect it. He told me going in that he really wasn't into porn.

I have tried dieting, but have always struggled with my weight. I have a lap-band and am currently waiting for the insurance to approve the surgery to repair it since the birth of my son broke it loose. We have talked several times and he says it's not me, not my size and that he thinks I am more attractive now that I am the mother of his son. But things still aren't happening. Tonight I made a move and even offered to let him get off to porn and just let me be there with him, and he refused. Then when I went into to tell him I was laying our son down, he was choking the chicken and watching porn... I just don't understand it and it hurts. I feel so useless and feel like a failure.

Mandie - posted on 08/02/2010

I meant to also say I'm not saying you HAVE to do this- I know if I truly didnt want to my hubby would respect it- but it does seem that your likes it and he wants to watch it and if it were me I'd rather he watch it with me that without. Another way to look at it is men view sex so much differently than us (in general) and for them it's not the 'replacement' for us that we think it is- it's often just tension release. No more selfish or indulgent that us having a nice relaxing massage or hot bathor whatever. But if it is affecting your relationship- and it seems both of you are unhappy with the status quo- you've got nothing to lose by giving it a try.

Mandie - posted on 08/02/2010

I dont have a problem with porn per se, but I would worry if my hubby was watching it without me. I can sort of relate to how yr feeling Christi in that, without oversharing- when I was younger I had a partner that had a weird attitude to porn and the importance of it's place in a relationship, so I used to be not that keen on it. But it truly can have a place in the bedroom if you both have a say in what you watch. Vanessa C's advice was awesome and there are some good ones that are more couple-orientated than directed at men only- particularly if yr not into the more graphic shots etc. There are actually even ones that are geared more to women and what we like sexually. But I also understand it can be a bit daunting to visit a sex shop, esp if yr not overly keen on porn to begin with. Another way you can do it is to discuss with hubby what kind of porn you feel you could watch (with him) and ask him to choose something from a sex shop. I agree with the other girls that compromise is important in a marriage and sometimes if you do it this way- where it's comfortable for both of you- it can really change things in a positve way.

Amanda - posted on 08/02/2010

I find it interesting woman claim if a man doesnt stop looking at porn its disrespectful to his wife, but it isnt disrespectful of a wife to tell her husband what he can and can not do? Is he your child or your husband? Meg and Vanessa couldnt of said it any better then I could.

You need to sit down with your hubby and find out why he feels the need to do this, and ask how you can help out. Open the doors for talking, sex NEEDS to be spoken about in a marriage. It isnt just an act, without communication you and your husband will never fully enjoy your sex lives.

Theresa - posted on 08/02/2010

I don't let my husband watch porn either, I won't even let him go to strip clubs. I shouldn't say that "I don't let...", he's my husband not a child that I can controll. He knows I don't like it and why and he's a good enough man to accept that.

He and I went through a really rough patch about 3 years ago. We were on the brink of divorce. I won't get into a lot of detail, but after a lot of talking things through HONESTLY with eachither we worked through things. I found a GREAT book at a Christian book store that I highly recommend to any wife, but especially a wife that is having marrital problems. It's called What Husband's Need by Judy Carden. That book wasn't the one thing that brought us through our problems, but it did help a lot of things.

I alos would suggest counseling. If he won't go with you go on your own. As he sees you change he may decide to go with you and try to change as well.

As far as loosing the baby weight try to get into an exercise routine. Just go for a walk everyday to start. Put baby in a stroller and walk. You can add distance and/or jogging as you get more in shape. I'm speaking from experience with that too. I lost almost 60 lbs by doing that and watching my fat intake. Try eating healthier and cutting back (if not out) on snacks and portions. It's really hard the first month of so, but push through then it all becomes habit and gets easier. Soon it will all just be part of your daily life and your little one will look foward to the walks. Good luck.

Vanessa - posted on 08/02/2010

Porn is not infidelity - but it could damn well lead to it if its not dealt with now. i'd only head for counselling if you've tried everything else first - I mean what's going to come up... he's sexually unsatisfied in the bedroom well we know that - she needs to work out a mutually respectful way to fix that problem or yes it will ruin a marriage.
I would never let that ruin my marriage. Porn is not another sexual position - it's the culmination and the only way he knows how to get a quick release. He should be heading for his wife and not the DVD player I agree! So lets make him head for his wife!
I am old fashioned in that I actually believe that I belong to my husband. Yes we are partners (he lets me run the home and kids and I let him go to work and provide for us) but ultimately he is the man in the house and his wishes prevail. I am free to make my point clear and he'd never do anything to hurt me if I was dead set against something - but if its important to him I will do what he wants. If he comes home and wants to make love - even if i've had a shitty day - sure! I'd much rather he got off with me than anywhere (or with someone) else!

Casey - posted on 08/02/2010

I'm kind of mixed on this topic, I don't think there is anything wrong with porn I wouldn't have a problem with my partner watching it but if he were watching it all day then I would start to have a few issues too.
I honestly don't think it is worth ending you relationship over but I do think you need to talk to him about the issues you are having and you need to tell him what you want in the bedroom cause you never know maybe he wants the same things but no-one is game enough to take control of the situation.
I know what it is like to have put on weight during pregnancy and I know how insecure this can make you but you need to tell him this, he has to know how you are feeling so that together you can work through the issues together cause he probably has issues of his own that you don't know about either. Goodluck and hang in there :)

Aura - posted on 08/02/2010

Obviously, you didn't get the underlying point of the argument. PORN is not a different position in the bedroom. It is, in my own opinion, infidelity. Also, if you re read my post, I suggested counseling first and, if THAT doesn't work, THEN leave because a RELATIONSHIP is built on MUTUAL RESPECT. If he is ignoring her feelings on the matter, that is a lack of respect. If he shows a lack of respect in that area, where else does he show a lack of respect? And you are damn right I would leave my hubby if he didn't show me the respect that I know I deserve.

Vanessa - posted on 08/02/2010

I think that honesty is the key (i'm pregnant again so things have slowed a little in that area recently!) and also as Meg said - a little bit of compromise. I guess in my mind it depends on what type of porn we're talking about here - I mean what men are attracted to can help you nut out where things might be going a little askew! Is it Gang Bang - Teen Pussys - Bored Housewives - S&M?
Look up PLAYGIRL porn DVD's -- they're very couple friendly and although a bit corny (aren't they all) show respect for the participants.
Men are attracted to confidence too --- so if your self esteem has taken a beating then that comes across to your partner. If you keep saying that you aren't good enough for him - what's to stop him from starting to believe it to! Men don't notice things that aren't pointed out to them - so quit pointing it out.
You might find that if you start "helping him out" then his need for porn twice a day will cease.
Admittedly I'd have a problem if my man watched porn without me or in secret ---- but we have a very healthy sex life even with three kids. As one of the other ladies stated - women need to be turned on in the mind FIRST. So why not start a series of sexy texts... photo's for him to find... start the foreplay ages before the actual act! Amp up the heat and he wont feel the need to look at other men and women!
Go to your local sex shop and have a talk to the chicks behind the counter - you'd be surprised at what fountain of knowledges these women are - and they don't make you feel dirty, but inspired!
PM me if you need to talk :-)

Meg - posted on 08/02/2010

@ Aura.... Your telling me you would rather end your marriage rahther than compromise a little bit in the bedroom... I think NOT!!!
And you expect this woman to 'threaten' her partner... I also think not!!!

Put it this way.... Hypothetically speaking... Lets say you only like Missionary sex, but your partner liked you on top... Are you telling me you wouldn't compromise at all to both get the satisfaction and enjoyment sex and making love should bring??? And possibly threaten to leave him if he persisted to ask you to try something new....
If so, I am very sorry, but that is most definitely the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life!!!

NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO EVER THREATEN ANOTHER PERSON!!!! What on earth made you believe that you were better than you partner??? And what made you believe you had that right to threaten him???

Angie - posted on 08/02/2010

I consider porn to be a form of infidelity. Talk honestly with him and tell him exactly what you've told us. Good luck.

Aura - posted on 08/02/2010

I'm sorry but you should NEVER have to compromise your morals in order to please your partner. He should be respecting your feelings on the matter and quit being an ass about it. If I told my husband that I didn't like something he did and he just kept doing it "secretly", I would be furious! Way to show me you respect how I feel and be immature about it. Sorry if I'm a little crass about it, I have strong feelings on the subject.

My advice would be to put the fear of God into him. If you have already talked to him about how you feel and he has started behaving like a teenage boy, tell him that, for the sake of your marriage, you feel you need to get counseling or you will have to leave. I am the first person to say that a marriage should be worked on, but if counseling doesn't work, who wants to stay with someone that doesn't respect you?

Meg - posted on 08/02/2010

You know what, I honestly believe you are over-reacting.... Sorry, but porn is porn, he isn't going out to be with another woman, he is relieving himself, privately and personally. It takes a lot less effort to have a 'wank' compared as to what it takes to be with your partner.
OR; is there an underlying issue here, does he feel he can't pleasure you, or that 'Size' may be an issue. Men are a lot more complex then what a lot of women give them credit for.

Maybe talk to him and ask why he feels the need to 'relieve' himself that often and why not offer to 'give a hand'...
You may not like it, so why not turn your back to the screen and get him off while he watches instead of him doing it himself. A relationship is all about compromise, and spontaneity. So why not surprise him with becoming more open to his likes in life - as it is obviously a like of his.
Make a compromise.... like -
'Ok hun, lets watch your porn tonight, and have a bit of fun and excitement, but tomorrow night how's about coming to bed with me, and making love to me?'

He says your not spontaneous, well be spontaneous... Show him that you are still a sexy woman with needs and desires as well....
Without showing him what you feel, your never going to break the cycle....
And just remember sex for men starts from the groin area, sex for women starts from our head!!! So get yourself mentally prepared, mentally worked up, mentally wanting and craving the touch and attention from your partner and then SHOW HIM how your feeling....
Every relationshio requires that spark to keep it blazing, so go outside of your comfort zone, and get that spark!!!
I hope that this has offered a little bit of support, as recently my relationship went through a dry spell so to speak, and this is the way that I got his attention back onto me and not a screen... It works, it may take a bit, but keep at it chic, everything is worth working at and hey lets face it, life is all about compromise!! Every day we compromise for others, so do it for your partner as well....

SURPRISE HIM GIRL, BLOW HIS MIND!!!! You'll get that great sex life back... BELIEVE ME!!!!

Jennifer - posted on 08/02/2010

My husband and I have never used porn and have agreed that it isn;t something we want or need to use. I too would feel very upset if my husband did use porn because at the end of the day I should be all he needs to fulfil his sexual needs. Your husband is being selfish and his porn use is affecting your sexlife. I don't have any advice other than to talk to him about it and how it makes you feel. At the end of the day he loves you and if he loves you that much he will give up the porn, afterall you gave birth to his child!

Alison - posted on 08/02/2010

Im sorry for what you are going through. I can completely relate. When my husband and I first got together, he used to watch it too and I didnt. For some reason sex has always seemed to be an issue with us. I would feel no good enough because he would rather watch that crap instead of be with me. And this was pre-kids. I will say he doesnt watch it anymore but honestly our sex life is not good either, embarrassing to say. I used to put in so much effort and get nothing in return and now I dont anymore. I would love to feel wanted by him as woman.So i dont really have any advice, but maybe my story will sooth you a little to know your not alone. I really do tell him how it makes me feel though, when for myself it hurts too much to hold it in. Good luck

Jane - posted on 08/02/2010

I have always said this and will say it again. Porn is fine as long as it doesn't interfere with the sexual relationship of the couple. It is apparent that it IS interfering with your relationship. You're right...if he's got time to watch it twice a day (and obviously relieve his tensions, if you know what I mean), then he has time to have sex with you. What you are going through is not good. He needs help! I wish I could tell you what to do but I can't. There are so many reasons why this is occurring, I can't even begin to speculate.

Deborah - posted on 08/02/2010

I wouldn't like my husband to watch porn either, so I don't think you're overreacting. But unfortunately I can't offer you any advice.