Am I being unreasonable?

Kelina - posted on 10/24/2011 ( 73 moms have responded )

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So in my household my husband works, I am a stay at home mom, and the way we do things is that I do 90% of the cooking and cleaning but there are a few things I ask my husband to do every week. but i'm getting fed up, i'm about ready to hand him the kids on his day off and show him exactly what it's like cause he doesn't seem to understand anymore. In the past week he's been late from work for one reason or another almost every day and he doesn't seem to get that half an hour is a big deal to me. It's an extra half hour I have to deal with the kids on my own. It's half an hour later that dinner gets served which means our kids are half an hour crankier. And when I bring things up like this with him, it's like he promises all sorts of things and never follows through. Now I don't think it's unreasonable the things I ask him to do. They are-take out the garbage and recycling on their respective weeks. We get them alternating weeks here. Put his dishes in the kitchen, i don't even care if it's the dishwasher just don't leave them wherever you happen to be sitting! And put away your freaking laundry! It drops wherev he's standing when he takes it off which means I have to pick it up and put it away. Oh And I expect him to put away his tools when he's done, because a lot of them are dangerous. But guess what? I do all of that again 90% of every week. He never puts his dishes in the kitchen, his tools are all over the house. It's so bad I can barely get out my door because there's an air compressor in our entrance way. The garage is a disaster zone because he never puts anything away, he's always missing half his tools and then complains to me that he can't find them cause he hasn't put them away and tools+2 toddlers=disaster. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to do these things?

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Elfrieda - posted on 10/24/2011

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No, you're not being unreasonable.
The only thing I would suggest is to not get mad and nag him, but just put some consequences in place. It feels a little manipulative to start, but really it's not. It's changing the relationship for the better, to turn it back into a partnership instead of a mother-son dynamic, which you so do not want!

Examples:
problem: he's late for supper and didn't call.
consequence: you and the kids start eating (put a plate for him in the oven to stay warm) This isn't supposed to make him feel bad, because you all cheer for him when he does get home, and you jump up and kiss him and get his plate. But the kids aren't hungry and whining, which makes your mood better, and you can just gently remind him that the whole family loves to spend supper with him, so if he's going to be late could he please call so you know, because the kids get hungry really early, and need to eat as soon as possible.

problem: he leaves his laundry lying around
consequence: "I only do the laundry that's put in the hamper." You don't have to leave it everywhere, just pick it up and put it on a pile on his bedside table or on his side of the bed. After a while he will miss his favourite boxers, and you tell him, "oh, I don't know where they are. Check that pile of clothes on your side table. I don't know what you want washed and what you want to wear again, so just put the dirty things into the hamper and I'll wash them, okay?" Again, not mad, just direct. Men like directness.
Put the tools somewhere inconvenient for him (possibly the toddler-proof closet behind the broom, mop, and miles of vacuum cleaner hose), so he has to look for them next time. And then when he asks where they are, tell him and then say, "oh, I always put them where the kids can't get to them. If you want them to be put where they belong, that's up to you."

Obviously don't do all of these things at once because he'll feel picked on, but I hope this is helpful. I do variations of this with my husband whenever I need to, and it's sort of a teasing reminder that yes, you need to respect me, and he wants to but sometimes needed a little help in the beginning.

[deleted account]

Since we don't know each other, I know this is going to sound very old fashioned, un-liberated, and pro-man, but give me a chance and maybe this might help. I think when we start breaking things down to percentages there are bigger problems at hand. This is a lot more than about laundry and tools. I have been a stay at home mom for years . . . and I don't think you are going to get the respect and admiration you are looking for by chastising him like a child (even if his behavior is childish). My mother was also a stay at home mom of four children all under 5 at one time . . . she was always very happy and loved her "job". I think you are feeling underappreciated. If this becomes a game of keeping score, leaving his laundry to pile up, and not doing "his dishes", you are heading for real trouble. The goal is to get him to see that you are the queen of his home. He wants to rush home to be with his family. He wants to please you and not "go on the clock" with NOW it is your time to keep these kids. He has just come home from a long day at work too. Make it about family time. THese are both of your children. It should never be about one of the other babysitting. My suggestion (after all that) is to go asap to your church, temple, counselor or whereever and talk with a real counselor. You guys have some real sorting out to do. He needs to cherish you as the mother of his children and recognize your role in the family. Did his mom stay home? does he really want you to work outside the home? or has he just not grown up enough to understand your job? When things get down to tit-for-tat it is time to worry. Please don't wait and become a bitter wife and mother. Life at home should be a joy and I think you can get there with a little help. Blessings for your family.

JuLeah - posted on 10/24/2011

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Are you being unreasonable in expecting him to act like an adult, a parent, and a person who wishes to keep living under your roof? No, I don't think so.

Time for you to take off for the weekend with your girlfriends

If you don't want to pick up after if, don't. Let the crap pile up - then explain, he might have clean clothes, but you had no clothes in the hamper to wash. He might have had dishes to eat off of, but the only dishes seem to be in the living room he can eat off of thoes if he wants.

The dangrous tool can be picked up, but you don't have to tell him where you put them - in fact, sell em and use the money to pay for a housecleaner

Krista - posted on 10/24/2011

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You're absolutely not being unreasonable. If he was living by himself, he'd have to do 100% of the work feeding and picking up after himself. He's frigging LUCKY that he has you doing 90% of it. So there is no reason whatsoever for him to not at least do those very few tasks that are on his list.

Unless he's working 16-hour days, 7 days a week, there is no reason why he can't at least pick up after himself.

I would talk to him and say, "Look. I don't mind doing 90% of the work. I know that's the deal, and I'm fine with it. But what I'm NOT fine with is when you make my job a lot harder than it has to be, by not picking up after yourself. If you were at work, and one of your coworkers was constantly sabotaging your work and making your job harder, would you be happy? Would you be motivated? No. Well, neither am I. So I need you to hold up your end of the deal, so that I can do my job keeping a nice household for you to come home to."

Dana - posted on 10/26/2011

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I don't believe you're being unreasonable however my husband does the same exact things. Here's what I do (if it helps in anyway).

One - if my husband is late getting home from work I don't feed my kids late. I feed my kids when the dinner is ready. Sometimes I eat with them and other times I feel like waiting until my husband gets home to eat with him. However either way my husband eats when he gets home because like you said it's that extra amount of time your kids are that much crankier. Don't hinder the kids because hubby is late getting home. Feed them, bath them, put them to bed, etc. I understand hubby's have to be late once in a while and maybe for several days in a row but life at my home still goes on.

Two - I've gotten to the point that since no one else will pick up their dishes, put them in the sink or even do the dishes or dishwasher that I use paper plates. My family will (and I'm still teaching the kids to do this) throw those items away. Plastic forks, paper plates if it's throwable I use it because it's less I have to clean. Only time I do dishes is what I use to cook with and if and when we have a sit down meal at the table. We don't get to do that every night either because of how busy life is for us.

Also, for a little while and even if it bothers you, let the dishes pile up where hubby puts them. Before long he'll dislike the piling up of dishes and eventually take them in there. If he complains to you, then just tell him the obvious reason why you didn't do it. He needs to learn to pick up after himself. How old is he anyways? Tell him you thought you married a man not a little kid.

Three - My hubby is the same way about his tools except they're not all over the house. Nuts and bolts and things of that nature are but I just put them in a coffee can or something and he eventually takes it out with him. He can't always find his tools either even if he just had it in his hand and barely set it down. Just tell him that if he'd clean up a bit that he might find what he's looking for.

Finally as far as the trash and recycling goes I've found just doing it myself means I know it gets down. Then when your hubby wants sex tell him you're too tired because of having to do the dishes, take care the kids plus pick up all his tools, take out his trash and his recycling etc. Tell him that he'd get more in the bed if he helped more around the house but you're just too damn tired after having to do your work plus his. Besides you have to earn a reward before you get one.

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Maria - posted on 10/26/2011

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You're not being unreasonable, I would and have approached a similar situation differently. We have a similar home/work percentage in our house as well. My husband works, very hard, out of the house every day. He commutes about 30-40 min each way every day and by the time he comes home, he's tired. I get that, but what I explained to him was that while I don't communte, I don't get any breaks throughout the day, so I'm tired. I eased up on the getting home late part, because like another mom wrote, in this economy, we're happy he has a job. {had to edit this part as I hit send without finishing two separte thoughts}



We’ve had similar conversations in our house and one thing I realized was that my tone was probably strained as I had been home with cranky, tired children. So after failing to get my point across when I was cranky, I started doing things a little differently. I run my errands on the weekend, by myself, and leave him with the children. I’m refreshed and get a lot more done when I’m alone. The laundry situation in our house is a lot better these days. There were a couple of times, when he wasn’t happy with the choices he had for clean clothing. At that point I explained that the whatever was in the respective hampers was washed. If it’s not where it needs to be when I do laundry, then it won’t be washed. One thing I’ve heard through the years was that if we treat our husbands like kids, they’ll act like kids, I didn’t fully understand that until I had my own children Good luck!

Claudia - posted on 10/26/2011

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I leave my husband with the kids alone at least once a week. I do not leave anything cooked. He need to figure out what to feed them, change them, take them out.... THe only thing I do is call to remind him to put my 22 month old for a nap at noon. I go out with my friends, or just shoping, or to the movies by myself, whatever...., But I go back home late. When I get home, the house is a mess, the sink is full, and he is exausted. Then I ask, why he did not clean the mess and the sink....:) During the week, I try to at least once a week to leave the house when he comes home and say, take over I need a break, please give their baths and put them to sleep before 8PM. Trust me, he gets it now.

[deleted account]

Hi Kelina,
I think we are married to the same man, lol!! Except I work full time . My hours are 4 am -12:30 pm, so I make dinner every day as well, and we do not wait if he is late from work. We eat. I stopped picking things up, I stopped putting things away - even tools. And honestly, I am pregnant w/ # 2 and told him I will not be returning to work. I told him if I have to do all the household related things on top of childcare and a 40 hour work week, that something has to give. I don not mind the thought of picking up after him if I stay at home full time - cuz it is my house and I will take control of it if my other half won't - but doing it all on top of full time work outside the home isn't flying. I average about 4 hours sleep per night Mon.- Fri. and he gets mad that I want to drop on the bed as soon as we put our daughter to bed. So, really what my opinion is - work is hard. I don't know what your hubby does for a living, but you are the stay at home one. Take controll of your house and family and do it all. It's not going to get done any other way. AND don't wait for him to come home to start eating dinner!! Sorry, can't get home on time - we're not waiting on you. Everyone else wants to eat. Best of luck!

Lori - posted on 10/26/2011

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No you are not being unreasonable and if he ever categorizes his job and your job, make sure that you let him know that raising children, especially little ones, is like having two fulltime jobs all the time. There are no days off, no vacation pay, no holidays. Every day brings a whole new situation, and though motherhood is rewarding, it is also exhausting and he has an obligation to at least take care of himself and his things.

Emma - posted on 10/26/2011

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I csn SOOOO relate!! I couldn't find the perfect solution, so I decided to try with my hubby what I do with my kids....REWARDS (and a little healthy competition) I talked with my girlfriends and googled constantly, and then I found something that hasn't by any means solved the issue completely but it's helping. Check out www.chorewars.com. We make every other Saturday our "cash in day" and give eachother both practical and "fun" rewards. For example I earned a 1 hour massage last Saturday, and he earned.....well that's censored! 

Melissa - posted on 10/26/2011

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I was in the same prediciment, except my hubby didn't work, he was at home and I was working, except when I got home I had to do everything, laundry, pick up, homework, oh yeah and I go to school full time also. Well, I had it! He took off to go hunting and called one night and could tell something was wrong, and I told him, I'm done, I want out and seeing as how I do it all already I don't see it as a problem. Let me tell you what, he came home the next day, and bucked up to being the at home parent and my life rocks now! I have the cleanest house, all laundry caught up, and folded, dinner when I get home and my feet rubbed nightly :) The best part is that he has realized that the changes he made caused changes in me, I don't come home mad, yelling and cocked and ready to explode. I think being ready to actually leave was the best thing I could have done for my marriage! Good luck and if you can get him to check back in, try the Love Dare Book on each other, or you do it for him and he might just change because of it :)

Beth - posted on 10/26/2011

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As Oprah says, "people treat you the way you let them treat you," which essentially means in your case that you need to stop doing so much for him!! Men and kids are perfectly content to let us do as much for them as possible. He needs a day off with the kids while you have "girl" time or "you" time. Then you need to stop picking up so much of his slack. As an adult, he also needs to realize that he's setting an example for his kids -- and so are you. The kids will start following his lead by being messy, and they'll also start treating you like the maid, too. Nip it in the bud!!!!!!

Jade - posted on 10/26/2011

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Sounds like my household! As for the laundry, I just wash everything, if he leaves things in his pockets, oh well. He should've thought of that when he took the clothes off and dropped them on the floor. I have washed many pieces of paper, packs of cigarettes etc. ooppppsss..... as for dishes, I just clean them up when I have a chance, he gets tired of looking at them after a while and will clean them up. Or once my 2 year old knocks one off the table, then he realizes it and picks up. And with the tools, my hubby is the same! I just pick them up and put them places out of my boy's reach, when he can't find them, oh well, he shouldn't have left them out. and if I have time I will take them down to his workroom, which has started to really frustrate him as they're not in their proper place down there. I keep telling him that if I have to put them away, they won't be in the right place, so maybe he should do it once he's done using it. It seems to be working....... but there's no point in arguing, they're men...... Eventually things will get better, especially when I'm exhausted when the day is over and have no time for him....

Ruth - posted on 10/26/2011

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Oh girl I feel your pain! 1st off feed the kids and yourself without him. If he cant be home at dinner time he can eat by himself. I think he needs some one on one time alone with the kids. He needs to be made aware of the amount of work you do. If you give men a inch they will take a mile. I do pretty much everything around my house, but the garage and tools no way. He needs to understand that is a danger to the kids and he can do something. You need at least a night off every once in a while. If he doesn't want to watch the kids, hire a babysitter and go out with your girlfriends.

Jennifer - posted on 10/26/2011

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I do not feel like what you are asking is unreasonable. I am a "SAHM" of only one child, age 4 (with one on the way) and my husband has "responsibilities" around the house as well. For the most part I am licky enough that I don't have to push it too much he does it on his own. But he comes in and takes over "kid duty" spending time with our son. He helps me get dinner ready and occasionally cooks it on his own. He picks up any "chores" I may not have completed for the day and we finish the night out together. Yes, he leaves the house and works all day but we SAHM's stay home and work all day long too. I am lucky enogh to say that my husbad gets that but I know tons of others who don't. I am labeled a "b" because I expect his help by "outsiders" but he understands. So again I do not feel like you are unreasonable. People who work outside of "home" get breaks (lunch, 15 min breaks, the drive to and from work) but moms and dads who stay home never get one (except bed time). So yes get help from him. Hopefully you can get him to understand too. Good luck with it all.

Mazy - posted on 10/26/2011

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Wow. I thought I was the only one! You are sooo not alone! My boys are 30, 28 months & 10 months....that's 30 years! My husband got a small enclosed trailer that we keep out back like a shed. His tools are in there. If I ever find stray tools, gadgets our home brew stuff in the house I take it to the basement & tell him to put it away when he gets home. If he doesn't, it's hts own problem. He's left power tools plugged into the wall in the past, so I have a no tolerance policy.

As for dinner....he will often do the same thing with coming home late. But he knows that dinner is at 6:15. If he's not here, then we eat without him. The kids always stock to their schedule, period. We was sad a few nights when he came home & they were already in bed...but he learned. Just tell him before he leaves in the morning, "by the way, I'm going to have dinner ready for whatever-time".

Also, with the tools...if you start by handing him one & say "can you put this away for me" very nonchalant, he will probably do it & you won't even have to nag! He may even start outting others away as well. Good luck!

Linda - posted on 10/26/2011

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no your not, and your not a lone i work , have to come home and make supper and do the supper dishes and clean up after him and the two teenages and my one year old. then i got to get all three kids bath and get them all ready for bed then i have to put the baby to bed. then the time i get my shower its time for bed and get back up for 6 so i can do it all over again..... so no its not asking a lot of him to do

Angela - posted on 10/26/2011

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Thats a good one!! Dont tell the husband u have the 4th ammendent right though. He may not have a clue.

Angela - posted on 10/26/2011

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I was married to a child like this before & tried that but didnt work. He was all about using me. I was the one that mostly worked. He didnt want to work. Always called in for false statement. So some men may say they love u but only if it fits in 2 'them' & convient for them. Since divorcing that peace of garbage Ive found a wonderful husband that helps around the house, both of us do reguardless who is working, both help out with child rearing, we have a child with special needs, adhd, autism, bipolar so it is very challenging at times so only way to deal with life is both to be committed to a partnership & everyone helps out in the family & adults are grownups & not children so they need to act that way.

Leslie - posted on 10/26/2011

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Have you considered getting a job and sharing the load at home? I experience the same thing and when a spouse works outside the home I believe they automatically expect you to carry the load at home. So, im going to work, putting the baby in daycare because talking didnt help, kindlt doing eceverything didnt help either. Every household is different and people that dont live in your home cant fully understand the aggravation of it all! Getting . But do make some changes because oi t can turn into something bigger and cause serious marital issues! Good luck with that!

Paula - posted on 10/26/2011

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Bloody hell no! my husband is just the same - exactly! he used to help out a lot more than he does now he just seems to be oblivious to it its like having a 4th kid in the house and i get so annoyed at times he just leaves things lying around yes where he left them, cant find anything, doesnt really help at all around the house i do everything and if i do ask him to do something it is nearly always under protest. is it just all men i ask myself! i thought of doing like i do with the children a rota for things i would like him to do.

Lyndsay - posted on 10/26/2011

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I am on the other hand of this situation, I work long hours, 6 days a week. It isn't easy being at work all day, if I can sneak home on lunch to help get laundry put away or give my kids a hug, I will. No one wants to intentionally work late, it happens. There are days I come home, and just want to collapse. You have no idea just how lucky you are to be a stay at home Mom.

Remember the saying, You catch more bees with honey, it's true. If you keep on him about things so little, you are just going to seem unappreciative of him.

There's no excuse to him being a slob and leaving clothes, dishes & tools everywhere though. I'm sure you'll expect more from your children when they're older, and you should from your husband too, but as other ladies have said - pick your battles.

Heidi - posted on 10/26/2011

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Iam very blessed, my husband helps around the house, he helps with supper, bathing the kids, washing etc.... If I had a hectic day at work he would let me sit on the couch and relax then he does everything!!!

[deleted account]

Sounds like my life to a certain extent. My husband works away during the week so he is only home at the weekends. I have no family around to help so I struggle a bit to keep the house tidy. We have two kids, a 5 and a 3 year old. His first question when he gets home is often, "What do you do all week?", as if I sit around and watch TV or something. If I don't list everything I do, then he wouldn't know it. Men are a bit thick that way.



One thing I've learned in my 11 years of marriage is that if you don't spell things out in clear language, a man will not understand. Men do not do hints. And sometimes it takes awhile to train them. If you blow up at him, it just makes it worse. Choosing a quiet time to sit down and discuss both your expectations is a good idea. I wish you the best.

Christi - posted on 10/26/2011

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It doesn't sound unreasonable, but maybe there's a different problem that really needs to be dealt with. Do you know why your husband is working late and so tired and grumpy? How is his work going? Is he still enjoying it? What does he know about how you're feeling? Maybe the two of you need to spend a weekend away with eachother without the kids and talk things through, and really talk about how the other is doing.

Michelle - posted on 10/25/2011

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HELL NO! You should suggest that mayb he take a day off or two to do exactly what you do around the house while you go out. I no it wouldnt work with my partner but worth a try (my partner doesnt work or do anything except mow the yard once every few months and take the rubbish out when i get it for him if he is going outside) Good Luck

Heidi - posted on 10/25/2011

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No you are not being unreasonable, but men think that when the wife stays at home she doesnt work, we just sit at home watch sopies and drink tee. I heard of a joke that a wife was so fed up with her husband thinking that she doesnt do anything at home during the day, that one day she didnt do anything, she didnt clean the house, dress the kids, washed the dishes, NOTHING!! So when the husband came home, he was shocked, he ran into the bedroom and asked his wife if they were robbed and she said that everything she usually does everyday, she didnt do it today. Maybe you should do something like that!!

Desie - posted on 10/25/2011

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Not at all! I think house members should be able to take care of their own dishes - at least put them in the sink, pick up clothes, and put away things they get out. Are there other things he does do to help? I think men can get overwhelmed and in their own world which it sounds like where your husband is.

Cynthia - posted on 10/25/2011

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OK here you go... Print a list of expectations. Week one gather clothes , dishes, tools in a container ( clothes basket) on Sat hand it to him and say this is what I have to deal with during the week now its all yours... I don't think men really know how messy they are.

Regina - posted on 10/25/2011

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Well, I had to wonder if you were living in my house?! In the past my husband was on this level. He has gotten much better. I bought a laundry basket and placed it right beside his bed with a note attached to toothbrush. The note had instructions as to where to place all clothes. He is following that now, some days he forgets but its better. On his day off I wake up early (cause he is never awake before me) and leave. I go get some breakfast, walk the mall, get my hair and nails done and I leave my phone at the house right beside his. Our garage was a disaster, so I went through it with a trash bag, I did not throw out any of his tools but all the other stuff got dumped. I did however take the tools that were laying around and dropped them off at a men shelter or goodwill. When he asked me about them I told him "Since they were always on the ground I figured you did not use these" Never a tool on the ground again. My husband comes home late from work EVERYDAY, I don't hold dinner for the kids. I feed everyone clean the kitchen and put his food on a paper plate in the microwave,with a plastic cup with a fork/knife/spoon and napkin inside and note that his food is in the microwave. He now try's to make it home at least three days out of the week for dinner. The garbage I put right at the door so he has to take it out in the morning. I also pray and ask God to open his eyes so that he can see that I need help. When he does do something consecutively I reward him just my children. I might write him a thank you note or put something special in his lunch but I always let him know that I noticed you using the laundry basket, dishes in the sink, washing clothes ect...

I hope this helps! And remember to PRAY!!!

Tracey - posted on 10/25/2011

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The power tools left out and plugged in is what really concerns me. You might tell him that CPS even checks on "good" families, and if they come over and see tools left out and plugged in, they may choose to remove your kids. I've heard of this happening. Not trying to scare you, but you should try to get through to him with this. And if one of your kids ends up having to go to the ER because they hurt themselves on one of the tools he left out and you have to tell them what happened, they could send CPS over anyhow!

You could then say "You'll have to educate me on how to handle each of these tools because I really don't know. And the time I'm taking to do that is time I can't be watching the kids, because I really can't have them in here with me while I take care of your stuff. You'll have to be in charge of them while I clean up." And then "put it away". I have a friend who has to tell her teenaged sons if they leave it out she'll put it away, and they won't like where she puts it, because she puts it where they can't find it! I didn't do this intentionally to my husband, but I did it accidentally, and he's been really good about putting his tools away ever since.

Valerie - posted on 10/25/2011

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Absolutely not! It's not unreasonable to expect an adult and grown man to be able to take care of himself. Not to mention, pick up after himself. My motto is that if you can get it out, you can put it away. Men never seem to understand how completely exhausting and frustrating it is to have to constantly take care of kids and them as well. I expect my 1 1/2 year old to be a mess, I don't expect my 30 year old husband to be.
And I am totally with you. Wouldn't it be great to just let everything go and watch him freak out. He wouldn't be able to make dinner, put the kids to bed, give them a bath, or find his own underwear without our help. They somehow believe that this is our job and place in life. News flash!! It isn't!!
I believe marriage is a partnership. It took 2 people to get married, 2 people to make those babies, 2 people to raise them, and it will take 2 people to help take care of the household chores. I understand that not all situations work this way (single moms have to do this work with little to no help) and sometimes one person may do more than the other. But in the end, it should balance out.
Simply help your husband understand that while he goes to work all day and gets paid, you work all do and don't. Then, when he shows up late, you are working overtime without any pay or notice. Did he ask you to stay and watch the kids or did he somehow expect it? For me, I don't have real issues with being home with the kids, but with the expectation that I will without being asked. My husband is notorious for having a weekend rugby event that he plans on going to, but doesn't ask me to watch our son. He just expects it. If he asked, I would absolutely say yes. But when he doesn't, it makes me resent him and worse, sometimes my kids.
Maybe try to divide up the chores and who watches the kids. Make the choice yourself so that you are happier about the decision.
Good luck and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself! It's your marriage and arrangement, so make it work for both of you, not just one person. :)

Nicole - posted on 10/25/2011

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No you are not being unreasonable, he should help out around the house too. I understand how you feel, I know my fiancee works harder at work than I may do, but it's always nice to have someone help you out when they are home. I would go and take some me time when he has a day off.. no kids for a few hours for you.

Angela - posted on 10/25/2011

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IN my opinion u have become his SLAVE. Just because yr a stay at home mom doesnt mean u do EVERYTHING! I wood start making him do his part. If he cant take care of his tools then he needs to give away. My husband has lots of tools but he puts away. He doesnt have an option to leave out or they go to goodwill cuz i have a curious child with adhd & autism, and epilepsy. Dinner, I would start eating without him. My husband was a tow truck driver so 24 hrs day he is on duty so he ended up eating when he got home.If he cant pick up his own cloths then trash them if u have to pick them up & waste yr time. He is wasting yr time throughout the day since yr attention should be on yr children. Good Luck!! Sounds like counseling is in order since u have talked by ignores everything.

Ashley - posted on 10/25/2011

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well if starts calling you lazy and being a whore when you get a sitter to go out for a few drinks three times in 6 months, than u married my baby daddy. Two words, MEN SUCK. id suggest or tell ya what i do but if u wanna stay in your relationship i wouldnt listen to me lol.

Diann - posted on 10/25/2011

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OMG! I think u might be married to my husband. I definatly don't think u sound unreasonable. Everything u just wrote I feel is my life too. What I have done is stopped doing his laundry. I let it pile up. When he asks why it's not done, I say it wasn't in the hamper. If u want it washed put it in the hamper. Then when I finnaly do do his wash I let it sit in the backet until he puts it away. If it wrinkles thats his problem. And as for dinner if he's not home or he's not ready to eat when dinner is done, he can eat by himself. For me, my main concern is that my 2 y/o eats at a reasonable time. As for the tools. I just pile them up in the basement. If he doesn't like where I put them he can move them. Remember he is an adult. He needs to help out too. If he doesn't want to, then he needs to deal with the way u will do things. Good Luck!!

Jean - posted on 10/25/2011

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This comes from my "behavioral" beliefs, but I have found that just like any other human being or animal, husbands respond well to positive reinforcement. Instead of hiding things or being bitter, I would be sure to let him know th next time that he DOES do something you've asked him to do, how much you appreciate it. It sounds silly but go overboard. Tell him "honey, I know you have had a really busy day but I really appreciate you taking out the trash. Just that one little thing makes my day a lot easier." Chances are he will respond better to that positive reinforcement than he will to negative comments that might happen when he doesn't do something you've asked him to do.

Carrie - posted on 10/25/2011

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In my life, when I was as frustrated as you are (husband being unhelpful, not respectful of my needs/time), I didn't have to deal with it much longer. Turns out my husband was having an affair and wanted a divorce. Not saying AT ALL that that's your situation, but what I am saying is that you need to address whatever issues there are in your marriage that are causing your husband to think that you are his maid and everything at home is your responsibility. Maybe he's depressed, stressed out, who knows. But my guess is that your relationship with your husband isn't ideal, and once you address that, the who-does-what issues will be resolved. Good luck!

Janet - posted on 10/25/2011

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Nope your not. What I do with the laundry (have 6 kids) is if they do not make it to the hamper they become "mine" and I do the regular wash without those items (I put them away somewhere) trust me they got the hint after they ran out of clothes!!!!

Kelina - posted on 10/25/2011

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Thanks patricia. For the most part he is in a job where he can walk out the door on time no problem. Occasionally he gets stuck with a customer, but usually the reason he stays late is because he's been asked to-in which case he does know ahead of time and could call me at any time. The people at his work are awesome to work with and really awesome about me calling there or him calling here. I don't expect him to relieve me when he gets home, i just expect him to play with the kids for five minutes while i get dinner on the table. I get their food and make sure it' cut up right for them and get up to get things during dinner because I understand he works all day. I couldn't do waht he does i have a hard enough time dealing with stupid people when i go shopping, dealing with customers-not my forte. As for the tools, I can't just pile them up. Right now I have them in bins in the corner of my kitchen which drives me nuts because it makes it look and feel so cluttered and small. And both my kids have figured out how to get into the bins. If it weren't where my kids could get at them, and I didn't have to see them all day it wouldn't be an issue. But it's a safety hazard. i've baby proofed as much as possible but somehow the little boogers keep pulling out the socket protectors. Those little holes are a perfect place for screwdrivers. And vice grips+little sisters fingers or big brothers toes=disaster. He also leaves power tools out and occasionally plugged in. It's not just annoying because they're around it's annoying because it's unsafe. Luckily he has learned to close the gate at the top of the stairs when he leaves most mornings. Likewise the clothes are an issue ecause they get left everywhere. so if I only pick up the stuff that's in the bathroom or living room then there's a good chance that he's only going to have work clothes for one or two days. I have to go to every room in the house(four bedrooms two baths the living room, kitchen, study, entrance way) and then hope he hasn't got clothes in his car. And when his clothes don't get washed he complains he doesn't have any work clothes when it's simply i could find them. THAT'S what bugs me about the laundry.

Kelina - posted on 10/25/2011

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Ya the reason we eat when he gets home is he always looks so sad when we eat without him but i think that is going to change. We ate dinner much earlier tonight and my kids haven't driven me nuts. It was actually a peaceful dinner-other than my two year old not liking what i made. he ate it though! he really wants to go skating tonight! And I'm working hard to teach my son to be responsible at two he already helps me load and unload the dishwasher, puts his own dirty diapers in the pail, puts his laundry away and will help me pick up his toys when we need to.

Patricia - posted on 10/25/2011

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You sound very frustrated and angry but some of the advice on this post seems to me would be tearing you more apart instead of bringing you together. I would suggest you hire a sitter for at least one afternoon a week for a few hours or trade with another mom. Get out of the house and away from the kids. Invest in having a date night together one way or another. Then the two of you decide what your family priorities are. Is he realistically in a job where he can walk out the door on the dot? Do you all have to have dinner together every night, can you feed the kids a couple of times and have a dinner with the two of you the others? I do think women are a little unrealistic when they stay at home all day. Men are not out there having some wonderful adult day-most of them are working llike crazy, sometimes in hostile enviroments, and people are not just very nice anymore at work. So when he comes home does he have to work again because it sounds like you want him to work all day and then "relieve" you and work all evening as well? Highly recommend so good talking time between you to figure out some ways to do some things differently. Maybe you do just pile his tools up and don't worry about it. ARe the clothes really that big of an issue or is it something else? Only you can answer but marriage should not be a battle ground. It should be where both of you are treasured and honored.

Diana - posted on 10/25/2011

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Hell no he should not make it worse on u.Taking care of children is a full time job without a grown man doing that.

Yael - posted on 10/25/2011

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oh God no you're not being unreasonable. first things first, if he's running late, then you and the kids have dinner without him and leave him a plate to warm up by himself. there's absolutely no reason for your children to have to wait to eat. children need a schedule and to eat when they are hungry, not when their parent is ready. it might be a good idea to prepare a list of things you would like him to be responsible for and show it to him and negotiate what he will do. the issue of the tools is a matter of safety, and if he is not capable of understanding how dangerous it is to leave tools around, then you two might need a few sessions of marriage counseling to sort it out. also, you could always have the pediatrician have a chat with him about safety. as for leaving dishes and laundry everywhere, i know that. my husband is like that. it's not that he expects me to pick up after himself, it just doesn't occur to him. But, every few weeks I remind him gently that I am not his mother nor his maid. He does ok for a while and then it starts all over again. If you have sons, please raise them differently. That's what I'm doing with my sons! Good luck!

Halima - posted on 10/25/2011

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As I read your dilemma I couldn't stop but feel that's me thank god I'm not the only one that feels as you describe. Although my children are older than yours now..but I used to have the same arguments as you when they were younger!
I did leave the children with him not only for the day but the whole weekend! I fretted about the children the whole weekend, but when I got back my husbands asked just one question how did i manage looking after the children, the house cook and clean...
That's when he appreciated all I did and coped with and as the children have got older he's been there to support me and deal with the children.
Leave the kids with him on his next day off go pamper yourself and I can assure he'll appreciate you when you get back. Xx

Miranda - posted on 10/25/2011

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Eat dinner with out him. He will get the hint. Leave his in the microwave for when he gets home. I quit holding dinner for my husband because too many times has he called and said he had a late client show up. Yes he works hard, however he knows I need to do alot with the children. At first he got snippy with me and I layed out the facts. At least he has a meal to come home to.

Anne - posted on 10/25/2011

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Actually, you aren't being unreasnable. I ha luckve 2 suggestions. a) go to www.flylady.net or find her on facebook .& b) read a book cll "7 love languages" good

Christina - posted on 10/25/2011

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I think you should just leave the kids with for a day or even overnight if you are able and willing. After that, he should get the hint of how hard it is without you having to get angry about it. Also, I am just curious to know why you are waiting for him to serve dinner? In our house we go by the kids schedules so there are times that my husband need to legitimately stay at work and I go on with the regular eating time, he has to eat on his own. I also make sure that when I have "hard" days with the kids that I take time for myself, even if it's just an hour to go to the bookstore and browse with a nice latte. Good luck!

Marie - posted on 10/25/2011

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I'm just reading a book at the moment, and one of the chapters is "Turns out Dad's not lazy its in his Genes". Now i'm actually not up to that chapter yet, but i can't wait! ALL males are the same, with exception to a very rare few (none of whom i've met!) What i find really frustrating, is even though I do the majority of the cleaning & cooking & running all over the place with the kids, every now & then when I slip behind my husband decides I never do ANYTHING EVER, and takes over because of course he does all the work all the time. Grr. At the moment, I'm trying very hard to not 'take the bait' and just let him 'do everything' that he thinks i'm not doing. Good luck to him. (did i mention that we both work fulltime, but of course, hes really tired when he gets home but i shouldn't be cos his work is really physical, blah blah... argh!)



Men... you can't live with 'em & you can't run them over! ;o) -hehe!

Anne - posted on 10/25/2011

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OMG!!! If we aren't married to the same man then I am married to his twin brother!! Good luck

Kelina - posted on 10/25/2011

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Christy I actually have a question for you-did his mother do everything too! My husband never had to do anything growing up! His mom picked up after him, did his laundry, cleaned the house and all the dishes and he never had to lift a finger. And he lived with them until he moved in with me!

Kelina - posted on 10/25/2011

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Thanks everyone for your responses-an update. I had a talk with my husband last night(I ranted he tried not to laugh) And he agreed with me that he's been-for lack of a better word- a slob lately. Sadly this is not the first talk we've had and probably won't be the last. I understand that we are both parents to our children, but when i'm trying to cook dinner, clean the kitchen cause it didn't get done the night before, and deal with both kids, it's hard to stay calm when the baby is trying to steal dirty dishes out of the dishwasher and lick them, the toddler in the living room finds daddy's tape measure and decides he's going to drop it on the (nice new) hardwood floor because it makes a cool noise, then daddy comes home, complains that theres marks on the floor, and the baby is screaming cause I won't let her lick the dirty dishes clean. Gotta love motherhood! I'm not concerned about doing the dishes i just don't want to have to gather them from all over the house. Same with the laundry. Our house is two floors and i'm not kidding when I say he gets clothes everywhere. socks under the couch, by the garbage can, heck i've found underwear and pants in our downstairs entrance way! I did tell him last night that if he oesn't start putting his clothes in the laundry basket it won't get done and that he can't get mad if he doesn't have clean work clothes-if they'd wound up in the laundry basket where they belong it wouldn't have happened! I also made a point of writing down on the calendar what days I do laundry so he knows to get his clothes in the basket by those days of the week. It's not prefect but it'll do for now. I should also mention that we are going through a major renovation right now. Since he knows how to do it all himself he is, but it's going veeeeeeery slowly. Hence the tools all over the house, because everytime he starts a job, he's got to find all the tools which takes up half his worktime. grrrrrr..... :)



edit to add:on top of all my regular chores, I do help with the renos. I've spent countless nights up until midnight doing flooring with him, or laquering the cabinets or staining during the kids naptimes. I've also helped with keeping his work areas clean while he was replacing the windows so that he didn't have to worry about stepping on nails or anything like that, made sure all the reno rentals got paid, and called the bin guy to drop it off and come pick it up. As well as facebooked all his friends to see if they could help him on any given days. I'm not expecting him to do it completely on his own.

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