Am I doing the right thing for my daughter?

Mary - posted on 12/18/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone. I need advice. I have a 1 year old daughter. Her biological father and I dated for a short period of time before finding out I was pregnant. He had nothing to do with the pregnancy as he was more worried about smoking pot and doing whatever else he was doing at the time. So after a few months of trying to understand "Why this and Why that" I decided to end the relationship. He is not on the birth certificate and she has my last name. I allowed him in her life after she was 3 months old. He moved into our home and we tried to make it work. However, during this 5 month waste of time, I found out he was on drugs and taking pills and when he drinks it is in excess! I ended the relationship once again. For a year, there has been no phone calls only text messages "Hey" "Hey hows baby". The man is not trustworthy and he does drugs and knows NO responsibility as he has lived at his parents (who also do drugs as well) house his entire life and still resides there.. Not someone I am going to allow my children to be involved with. You can only give someone so many chances to prove themselves and it has been one fail after another. I feel as the texts are lame attempts and not good enough for my daughter. Should I respond to these pointless text messages? Am I doing the right thing? I need some advice... Is there anyone that has been in a similar situation? So many questions... any response is appreciated! Thank you.

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Jodi - posted on 12/18/2012

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While you may think he is a useless waste of space, he IS your daughter's father and SHE has a right to a relationship with both parents. It actually isn't your place to decide whether he should be permitted in your daughter's life. That is why we have a court system. Sure, you can ignore his text messages. However, later on in life, when your daughter asks why her daddy isn't around, wouldn't you rather that have been HIS choice and not yours? Do you want to tell her daddy isn't around because mummy wouldn't let him and ignored all of his efforts (as little as they may be).

I guess the question is, will he, in the future, push the issue and demand his rights to visitation? If he does, and you have denied him contact, it won't look good for you either. The court often views this as you interfering with the relationship between father and child, and this is very much frowned upon.

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Shawnn - posted on 12/18/2012

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Well, you can do like some of these ladies have suggested, ignore him, and then let him fight for custody/visitation based on the fact that you've ignored his attempts (and a judge will definitely see it that way, that you are withholding the child from her rightful parent)

Or, you can do as Jodi and Dove suggest, which is be the bigger person. The guy is her biological father, you said that much, and as such, he does have the right to interact with his daughter. And, unless you can prove your allegations of drug use, that won't be helpful to you. Why not be the bigger person, let him know his kid, let her know him?

Dove - posted on 12/18/2012

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That man is her father and while I don't blame you for not wanting him to be alone with her.... given the drug/drinking issues... SHE has a right to a relationship with him... at least on some level.

Asking about her is at least SOME indication that he cares. What does it harm you to answer his texts? Would it be better to ignore him, piss him off, and risk him getting a lawyer and going to court to determine paternity and go for joint custody? Granted, that may be a long shot, but it doesn't hurt your one year old daughter for you to simply text back that she is doing well... or something else equally as simple.

Erica - posted on 12/18/2012

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Hopefully your son knows that it was not his fault that his dad is not there. I always tell all 3 of my kids that it is not thier fault that they dont have thier dad. my 2 oldest dad died in 2001 and the youngests dad left when he was 1

Lena - posted on 12/18/2012

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I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. My eldest sons father was a no show for years then finally contacted me and asked for visitation when Kaleb was about 6. He had regular contact and visits for about 4 months and then one day just didn't come and pick him up. There was no phone call or warning and when I tried to call him and find out what was going on he had changed his number. If they are unreliable, inconsistent or unstable it only makes it more confusing for the child nay son is now 13 and still asks me what he did wrong to make his dad go away.

Erica - posted on 12/18/2012

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HI. I've been there, done it- very similar to your situation. I would not text him back or read them. My youngest child, 9, hasn't seen his dad since he was 2 years old, and that was about 5 min. His dad will call or text from time to time, but never follows through on what he says hes gonna do. My 9 yr old never asks about his dad. He knows his dad is somewhere out there. I have gotton over dealing with his dad. there is a time in life that you need to move on and start over. If my son asks questions about his dad, I try to answer them as best as I can. I dont lie to my son about his dad. To this day, I still dont know where his dad lives or what he does, Alls I know is that he lives out of state. Hope it helps.

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