Am I expecting too much from my husband?

Angelique - posted on 11/26/2010 ( 195 moms have responded )

29

23

2

To tell you a bit about myself. I am a young stay at home mom. My son is now 14weeks; we do cloth diapers and I breastfeed him.



We are currently living with my father-in-law and sister-in-law, as we are together starting our own business from home. So my husband has much time where he is not working. He does help me here and there but it is a constant fight to get him to look after our son.



He loves Llewellyn (our son), he plays with him and will sit with him and occasionally burp him, but the major responsibility sits on me. My husband has never changed Llewellyn, bathed him, etc. If I have had a difficult night with Llewellyn and i ask him to take our son for a bit so that I can rest, he will take him for about ten minutes then give Llewellyn back to me and tell me that he is tired. If I moan at him for not helping me I get attitude. I am honestly feeling a bit overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I am juggling working on the business, doing housework, and raising & looking after our son. Or should I say sons as my husband behaves like a child.



I don't expect my husband to look after him if he is working, but I sometimes just need a break. I am a Christian and believe that a womans place is in the home, thats not to say I don't believe that woman should work. If anything I miss not working, as much as I do love being at home with my son.



I have tried to speak to him on a number of occasions, things seem to get better for a day or 2 & then its back to the way it was before. How should I approach this situation? Am I expecting too much? Please help!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jana - posted on 11/26/2010

9

0

2

My husband was intimidated by the prospect of caring for a newborn. His idea was to pretty much admire the baby until he was 'old enough to talk to and play with.' I explained to him that, if he didn't care for and spend time with our son when he was an infant, there would be no bonding and he wouldn't want to 'hang out' with his dad when he was old enough.

Talk to him about your needs (a trip alone to town, a two hour nap.) But also stress to him that changing diapers, feeding, bathing Llewellyn are bonding activities that will be very beneficial to his lifelong relationship with his son.

And no, you are not expecting too much. You are probably expecting too little. It's great that you are applying Christian principles to yourself as a mother, but be sure to also study what the Bible has to say about a father's role.

Good luck! Settling in as brand new parents can be tough, but it's so rewarding!

Alison - posted on 11/26/2010

2,753

20

466

You need to understand that most men are not that into babies and don't really know what to do with them. The older they get, the more "fun" they are, the more daddy will enjoy hanging out with them.



What I encourage you to do is to sit down with your hubby and ask him what he thinks would be a reasonable arrangement. Could he give you 30 min. to an hour every day or every other day? Could he do the bath once or twice a week. Often when you ask your husband what he thinks is reasonable you'll get a better deal than if you tell him what you want.



If you and your husband are Christians and this approach doesn't work, ask your pastor or a mature couple to sit down with the two of you and help you to work it out. It is always great to get an outside perspective.



P.S. Moaning at your husband is never a good idea.

Melissa - posted on 11/26/2010

19

8

4

Your husband might be scared to death. If he is he will probably never admit it. My oldest turns three in Jan and my husband changed his diaper a total of 5 times. My youngest just turned 1 and has never had his bum changed by daddy. I have talked to my husband about it and he has told me its not that he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to do it wrong. I get very little help from my husband with both our sons and no help with house cleaning, laundry, etc. He now has a wonderful bond with our sons, it just only includes play time and when they are happy. Make sure if he does something good you give him a compliment and if he does a really bad job changing a diaper or something you don't criticize, sometimes they just need confidence about what they are doing and if you are too critical it pushes them farther from helping you.

Katherine - posted on 11/26/2010

65,420

232

4849

Just because you're Christian, doesn't mean you should believe your place is in the home. That's insane IMO.

Anyways my husband did NOTHING the first 6 months with my daughter and I mean NOTHING. I was so mad at him.
You are both parents and you should both be parenting.

Katherine - posted on 11/26/2010

65,420

232

4849

Yes, taking a break is VERY important for a new mom. Husbands don't get that and you need to be very clear about that.
I have 2, one is 5 and the other is 20 months. I tell my husband I need a break all the time.

It really angers me when I hear moms saying their SO doesn't give them a break. Being a mom is a lot of work. I think that's why so many moms suffer from PPD.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

195 Comments

View replies by

[deleted account]

hmmm...this is a hard question. I have very mixed reactions. I have been married for 21 years. I have a 14 year old son, an 8 year old girl, a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old boy. I stay home with my children and homeschooled for many years. My two older children are now back in school and my younger are at home with me. I have mostly stayed at home and cared for my children but I have worked part time from time to time as there has been a need. That is the background...Here's my answer to your questions and concerns. I agree that you are both parents and both have a roll in the life of your child, but I do believe that each of you bring different gifts to the table when it comes to caring for your child. My husband has always been wonderful of reading books and playing with my kids. He loves to go hiking with them and take them to the park. He's not as enthusiastic about the day to day changing diapers, bathing, feeding etc. Rather than fight over the responsabilities I suggest you two sit down in a time of non conflict and discuss expectations. If you are helping with the bussiness you may need a little help with the day to day froom him. You are in a tricky situation because you are both working from home. You both may need to set some boundries. There may be times that he is working that may need to be off limits for you to ask for help. There may also be times when you are working that you may need extra h When my oldest was little my husband was in ministry and had a day off during the week. That was his special day with our son. Your little one is still very young but as he gets older you can establish times like that. A day when you can get some errands done without your child with you or just have a break. He'll get to have that specific special time and you will be more energized when you are caring for your child because you have had a break.

The best advice I have is to communicate expectations and come to something you can both agree upon. As your little guy gets older you need to be on the same page about discipline etc. Right now the issue is caring physically for your baby but soon there will be all kinds of other issues to deal with. Remember that there is some natural nurturing happening with you. Your husband may not know instinctively what needs to be done like you do. I don't know if any of this will help..

[deleted account]

Your husband's behavior is not acceptable, but that does not mean he's doing it on purpose or even realizes what is happening. You need to have one of your relatives take the baby for an hour and have a sit down with your husband. Tell him you expect and deserve him help. Remind him that he will benefit from spending time wtih his son too. It sounds like he does not know what to do, which is understandable with many men. Teach him. Be patient and show him how to bathe you son, how to change him, etc. Try not to criticize what he does (unless its a health/safety issue). You need to let him build his own "style" of doing things with your son. ALSO, praise him and show him affection when he does help. He may feel jelous of the baby, or neglected himself. You will need to be the grown up here, but he'll come around.

Joaney - posted on 12/08/2010

2

1

0

Hello,
You said a young mother did not say how young.We were 18 & 17 when we got married. My husband was the youngest in his family.So he was never really around babies. He was afraid to hold our daughter,he had no idea what to do.I was the oldest in my family and had been babysitting since I was 12. Anyway I did all the childcare and house cleaning and cooking and took naps when baby slept. We have raised 3 kids over the 35 years we have been together. Could count the times my husband changed a dipper on one hand. Never gave one of them a bath or never spoon fed them. But he is a great dad and a great grandpa. Maybe your husband is afraid or not sure what to do. Do you have a swing or a bounce? You can set the baby in it beside dad,and say I need a break.You might be surprised in the results.
It does get better.

Esther - posted on 12/08/2010

3

30

0

You are not expecting too much, however, men are quite emotionally detached at times... sorry to say... men think different from women and they need lots of hoaxing, nagging, persuading, etc... to get their understanding. But, most men normally react to factual information said straight in their face and said firmly and sternly without blinking an eye out of kindness or compassion.

It's normal for you to feel overwhelmed as you are just beginning your life's journey as young mother to a young child. You ought to take more resting time off instead of working, even women employees out there in the workforce get 2-4mths off after delivery. Let's put the husband aside, think for yourself first. You need to recuperate and eat well as you are still breastfeeding. Any stress can/may cause low in milk production. And as you are insisting on using cloth diapers then you have added workload in terms of caring for your son.

Here are some suggestions:
1) tell you hubby to choose either washing the diapers (and say it firmly) or bathing/changing diapers for baby.

2) tell your hubby to choose caryying and spending time with baby, his son, or you can't even consider any future addition after this baby (say it without emotion...firm!)

3) ask your hubby to choose either helping with the chores like washing dishes after meals and loading of laundry into washer and hanging them afterwards or going out to work more or pay for engaging a part-time helper.

Do take good care of yourself now... rest more, eat well and drink lots of fluid. Pray more, asking God to give you more strength and courage to discuss seriously with your partner. I fully understand your situation and it's true that God will help you as long as you raise up these concerns, especially your hubby to Him. As wife, we are to support our husbands willingly and gladly as they are who we married in front of God. So, both parties have to want to work things out infront of God. May you receive God's guidance and blessing for your family concerns.

Valerie - posted on 12/08/2010

2

25

0

Dear Mom, I have been in your shoes...as the mother of three now 14, 13, & 10, my husband did the same thing...after our first child I felt his life did not change as much as mine did...he kept working, enjoying extracurricular activites, the whole nine...he would help occassionally too.....I say give your husband time he will come around mine did...

LaMonica - posted on 12/08/2010

1

0

0

Your request is not unreasonable but your expectations are. They are not understood. Stop requesting and let your husband know your expectations. Be sure to discuss the reaiism of your expectations

Janice - posted on 12/08/2010

11

4

1

Baby's normally, DON'T get here with just one person's input!! Daddy needs to step-up. Babies, as well as children, need both parents. The contact, the conversation, the cuddles, and the 'hands-on' love babies do feel!!!!! I hear a lot of the 'Christian" tag on men that don't display much of their religious or life choices. It's more status than life choice.....real men are good parents and husbands, hands-on fathers, just like Jesus preached and was the example of.

Jennifer - posted on 12/08/2010

4

9

0

No, you aren't expecting too much. I went through the same thing with my husband. We got married when we were 20 and had a baby when we were 21. It was hard but I had to learn that nagging will get you no where. Sometimes I think us women talk to our husbands like they are our children( sometimes they act like kids). But men need to know thatyou won't treat them like you are their mother. So the next time you want him to do something for you ask him nicely like he is an adult. It may not work the first time but if you stay with it he will start to notice that you are not trying to act like his mother. I hope this helps you. Just pray about it and God will help you stay strong.

Eleanor - posted on 12/08/2010

7

26

0

Hi Angelique :
I'm a mother of two an adult son and a 9 year old daughter, my answer to you is a yes and a no one.
I think although you want your husband to be more invold with your son which is great men just don't see it the way we do. I've been marry for 22 years and still the kids are all minds I that my daughter every place and when I don't want to take her with me and ask him to keep her with him sometime's I get a yes but most the time I get a no, and do that make him a bad dad or bad husband no not at all, I grew up in a time where mothers were the hand on person and not the fathers and you have to understand maybe that's the house whole your husband grew up in where mother was hands on, Don't get to mad at him just try to understand him I do like you I'm a working mom going to school and because I have my daughter all the time I don't get the change to do homework until early in the morning I'm talking about 1 or 2 in the morning,

Mazee - posted on 12/08/2010

29

19

1

my husband was intimidated by the fact that a new born is tiny and fragile and he was scared he would hurt our son. its not that they dont want to take part in caring for the baby.they try, and remember they are also overwhelmed by the new arrival. even worse for them they feel threatened. however, it is true that the older baby gets the more daddy plays and enjoys playing because they can now talk and do fun stuff together. my husband is a very hands on father and they do everything together. most of the time i get to rest.

Abigayle - posted on 12/08/2010

54

82

1

My first husband who I had three kids with was a hands on dad with more experience with infants than I did when we had our first born twelve years ago; I was barely nineteen. He walked the first born with colic, he disciplined more effectively, more patience with homework. I got my go with our second who is Autistic and I worked graveyard when he was discharged from the Marines so he took care of all three; parent teacher conferences, carpool, little league etc. I got spoiled. I fell apart in my first deployment of a year and filed for divorce. I couldn't do it on my own. I remarried too fast and am going through a divorce again after not even four years and a fifteen month deployment and a twelve month one. I have two kids on autism spectrum, an over emotional and too gifted 12 year old I couldn't handle so he is with his dad and a fourth child with my husband. He changed one diaper, never fed him, barely played with him as an infant. He didn't potty train, do bedtime, one bath maybe. I didn't understand because he was sooooo good with my older Autistic son and my daughter and all their behavior was better, they excelled and progressed...no tantrums and we didn't yell or spank anymore. He is gone again and I am back to the single mom thing and I can definately handle it all now. I saw that he was uncomfortable with babies because he didn't have the confidence or experience my ex did and I did too much I wish he did this I wish he did that. I didn't see how he changed our life around with the discipline and no yelling even. That my Autistic son who used to be so violent he dislocated a teacher's jaw once now has no violent behaviors, doesn't run away, does chores and homework and expresses himself; and my husband isn't around and they know he isn't coming back to live with us. They don't see bio daddy and my daughter is the most independent and helpful seven year old. I think we spend so much time of what they don't do, definately encourage don't get me wrong, but acknowledge all the little things you do love that he does. I agree that even though I am very liberal, I am very independent, I am very outgoing and not submissive; that I belong home with my children as long as its possible and it destroyed this marriage. I don't regret that though because I get a grand between two dads in child support, I have a part time online writing job, I volunteer in parent advocacy at the school and mental health clinics. I also will be getting SSI for my son and cost of living here is do-able with just the aid of temporary food stamps until my Autism children can be watched by a normal after school provider. I will do anything for my kids. Truth be told had something happened to my first husband (still my best friend) I wouldn't have been able to raise my kids on my own or know what the heck to do without fifty fifty split in responsiblity. I am ever so grateful he knew what it was like as the stay at home parent for he appreciated everything I did. But I couldn't do it without him and now I can do it all on my own. My kids have been bragged about to me in school conferences as the most well adjusted children from divorced familiess they have ever seen and its a complimnent to me. I do keep men constant in their life for a male role model etc. I still have so many military friends and they are my family. But honey, even when its hard and you can't go another day and that day husband has his own Pms day....rmemeber god forbid something happens to him you can do it on your own, by yourself, and won't blink an eye. I have no family that will take me in let alone take my kids if I die...my baby with this husband is in the will to go to the exhusband. He treats him like a nephew. He helps me out with money for diapers for a kid that isn't his. But thought I wish I could sleep in, I wish my nerves weren't shot, that my house was back to OCD clean...I wouldn't trade doing it all because my current husband showed me that I can do it without him. Granted I have to with war deployments as longa s 15 month and never more than 12 months together...but I did it, fought for custody overseas with a deployed husband, won and traveled internationally with
Autistic children where I was in nothing but hysterics the whole time, I have changed tires and diapers, I have provided an at home mother and provided the father side of me and when I couldn't or didn't know what to say when a situation arose a trusted friend or godparent stepped in to be a male role model. I have a 12 year old that reads at a 12th grade level, who is gifted at skateboarding, writing poetry, drawing, and is an awesome baseball player and pitcher. I have a 8 year old Autistic child with Senosory problems and also a conduct disorder I have raised on my own for six years on no medication. I have fought for his education and he is now grade level in second grade and will soon mainstream. He takes care of my feelings, he helps me see the good in my life, and he is a pain in the neck:) I have a daughter who is seeing she doesn't need a man to do what she wants to do and she sees her daddy's best friends with her mommy despite divorce. My baby only really knows me but at three years old is more advanced than I could have imagined and he is a mamma's boy who I will finally have a child cry on the first day of Kindergarten. Ask for help when you need it but love the fact in a wierd way he is giving you the gift of being able to be the best you can be if you have to ever do it on your own. You will find days you think you can't go further. We as Christians know God won't give us anything we can't handle. Pray for the strenght because I am telling you that he gives you that and more. I am blessed because of a dad that won't change diapers, with a gag reflux, who can't cook without burning anything, and has no idea which way the knob turns in hte tub for hot and cold...

God Bless you are in my prayers.

Wendy - posted on 12/08/2010

2

21

0

Tell him to have a bath so you can put baby in the bath with him. He will love it, cause baby will want to play with daddy in the bath and he will then feel more involved. Make up some story by telling him you want to see what baby's reaction would be in a big bath. He then puts his knees up and you put baby on his top legs while he splashes water on baby and play with baby like in a pool! Good luck.

Patricia - posted on 12/08/2010

12

41

0

If you are the only person who can take care of your baby then make that your only job. The baby MUST be taken care of but the housework can be delegated. Other people live there too, when it doesn't get done...just say you're too tired. He will have to do one or the other.

Gladys - posted on 12/08/2010

4

10

0

The first three years are when a child bonds with the caregiver so dad needs to spend quality time with him or he ia going to miss out on a lot as they change so quickly from stage to stage

Charmaine - posted on 12/08/2010

1

30

0

I am in the same boat. I also have two older children in school and a baby. I don't know what to do either. If I don't do it myself it doesn't get done. I feel like a single mom with a second income or should I say a income because I am not working with the baby here.

[deleted account]

recently my husband said "I can't wait until the boys can dress themselves, get their own drinks and entertain themselves" they are only 2yrs and 3.5yrs!
Some husbands do so much in some ways, but fall down in others, so try not to compare.
Being christian myself I found an excellent book called Fatherhood by Tony Payne. Get to the library and read many different areas. Posibly join a women's bible study and those women might be able to support you. I love having a network of women around me, both family, church and friends. It might help you too while you are at home - which is awesome. Possibly chat to your minister's wife as she should be a good sounding board and direct you to scripture to help you through this.
Tony Payne's writing is family focused. Yes the husbands often are the main breadwinners, decision makers. And that's a good place to be. But their decisions should support all the family.
But if wives are their helpers (as the bible says) then we wouldn't be much help if we didn't encourage them to get to know their kids and be involved.
I read the beginning of Tony's book and also heard him on the radio and slowly but surely my husband is reading it, chapter by chapter. Yours might too.
Good luck

Macresia - posted on 12/08/2010

12

0

0

I see that everything with you is first time. You did not describe your business. When i had my baby, I was working then, but thanks to my mom, she looks after her when I was in the office. Although, it is the woman's sole responsibility to take care of the baby. the husband can help occasionally. Being the most important person to your baby, it would be a good idea if you free yourself from the business. This is the husband's duty in the partnership. Men are lousy babysitters as they did not grow that way. Maybe a group meeting among partners would be in place so everybody will understand that your priority is the baby's welfare, considering the 14weeks age that needs fulltime attention.

Lilian - posted on 12/08/2010

1

0

0

i dont think you are expecting too much from him, the only thing i cant understand with men is that they don't know that only by helping out they will reach out to their wives in a more special way...

Rosemarie - posted on 12/08/2010

4

20

0

I am also a Christian and believe that a woman's place is in the home. I am 50 years old and have six children, ranging in age from 31 to 9.
If you were employed, you would still be on maternity leave, which means your focus would be on your son and your home. You are still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. As a stay-at-home mom, your priorities should be your baby, your health and the housework, in that order. Take care of those things and if there is time and energy for the business, work on that. Your husband will have to pick up the slack in that area. The most difficult thing will be that there should be no complaining about your role(s). If you do your jobs cheerfully, your husband will realize that you only have so much energy and try harder to do his part.
As modern women, we are torn between following God's plans for our lives and what society dictates or expects. There will be time for employment when your children are older. Enjoy them while they are young, because they grow up so fast.
Where do your father-in-law and sister-in-law fit in to this scenario?

Lauren - posted on 12/08/2010

44

1

4

I am in a slightly different situation - I went back to work after 4 months. My salary is more than my husband's and he is now at home looking after our son during the day. We both had to learn how to look after a baby (it's our first child) - and I can honestly say it's working out beautifully! I get home to a relaxed happy baby every day and the relationship between them is something I treasure. So yes, men are totally capable of being wonderful carers - we should raise our expectations and expect more. I am sorry that your husband is missing out on this stage of your baby's life - hopefully by now you have come to a better arrangement

Kristine - posted on 12/08/2010

1

34

0

Christian or not...Your husband is lazy...He needs to participate more in your sons life..and take on some of the responsibilities of being a parent...

Tracy - posted on 12/08/2010

5

24

0

Hi there,

Its a tough road we are on as parents. We have to remember that men think differently than women therefore we have to explain what it is that we expect or want of them. Maybe your well-deserved breaks should be taken out of the home for lets say an hour. This will force ur husband to be the responsible parent for a change as well as having some bonding time with his son. Also remember that some persons are generally afraid of caring for a newborn as they fear hurting them ... Be strong and continue being a great Mom, trust me it will be well appreciated in the future. Best of Luck !!!

Edna - posted on 12/08/2010

84

39

4

he's big enough to make the baby then he should be big enough to look after him too.

My husband works nights so doesn't get much time to be with our son who's 16wks and our daughter who's 7yrs but when he is up and around he spends all the time he can with them. he does moan that he's tired but explaining that he isn't the only one seems to do the trick.

leaving them alone with the baby also helps. why not nip out once baby is fed and leave him to it for half an hour. he'll have to manage. I did this with my husband and now we have no probs!

Stacey - posted on 12/08/2010

1

0

0

I reckon your answer is in your writing matey. You already know the answer but may not wanna look. Goodluck and chin up! We are stronger than we think.;)

Rebecca - posted on 12/08/2010

1

17

0

Hi hun. i know how you feel. Ive not long had my 4th child with my partner. He works to but he works the other side of birmingham. I know he works hard but its ashame he dont do it at home to give me a break, dont get me wrong i love my kids to bits but like you say we all need a break. With our 1st Oliver he help loads but with Alfie the 2nd i did everything(even though he had 2 wks of) he never got up a did a night feed or even changed his nappy. Now we had had our 3rd child together he promised me the world as it was a little girl, Oh dont worry i will do everything. And yet again a let down in the mth he had of he feed her 4 times.
so i know how you feel, they help make these babys so they need to put their part in to help as well.
Hope your ok and you can speak on here anytime.
tc xx

Aroha - posted on 12/08/2010

14

15

1

i there, i have 3 kids and 3 different dads, im seeing the father of mi last born, bt the father 2 mi last has been bring the 2 older 1s as his own children...i am in the same boat as u, after having the first kid u gt restless and overwhelm wit no help frm the father it is hard as i have 3 kids i do everyfing for them and it dosent cum in 1,it cums in 3 and i only gt food 4 con fit and sex in bed frm the father, even after a hard day of looking after the kids feding them bathing, going dwn the shop and puting them 2 slep at the end of the day u wunld wnt 2 slep 2 right. bt they wnt sex after doing nufing bt sit on their ass...so jt 2 keep them happy u wuld do anyfing jt 2 gt to slep faster. i do gt yelled at if im doin or saying anyfing wrng. so i dnt believe in the mother plc is at hm cuse it suxs..... i dnt no if it is asking 4 2 much bt it wuld b nice 2 see mor frm the fathers bt cn we really do sumfing abwt it wit out hurting our kids as well as our selfs? i believe (even tho im nt) bt i believe if u are strong and u cn hold ur grunds or believe u cn live wit out him...then do it!! becuse u are gna end up like me, cnt speak for urself, cnt win 1 fight witout backing dwn cuse he strongly believes in wat he says or going out wit out finking if ur kids are alright only becuse u have never seen him look after them (if u do go out)etc.... as 4 ur question it is nt 2 much 2 ask frm ur man!! bt it is the end result u gt after asking him for help that wil make u feel blue and alone, bt if ur man is willing 2 hold 2 u and help u mor etc then u have a gud man on ur side and 1 that loves u and willing 2 change for the sak of being a family.

Stella - posted on 12/07/2010

4

0

0

Your concerns are valid and yes it does get overwhelming!I suggest asking your husband about what he thinks his role is, as a father to your son?hear what he has to say.You could also try to get someone else who's opinion he respects,to talk to him.Sometimes men tend to zone out when confronted with issues they dont want to deal with,esp if its being communicated by the wife.Sometimes they need to hear someone else talk to them.Its time you get a 3rd party involved or even attend family counselling if he's up for it!Hope it goes well,Praying for ya:-))

Julie - posted on 12/07/2010

3

14

0

No your not expecting too much of him. If you were to get really sick your husband would need to look after your son. So he needs to participate in the upbringing of your son together as a partnership weather it be married or business is working together on things. A family is a special partnership which needs all members to participate. Plan family things to do together. Maybe start by going to grocery shop on your own so he is alone with your son. We as women tend to spoil our husbands when we are first married and then when the children come it is hard for the husband to cope coming second and then third. Also our husbands need to respect our needs and realise they are now part of a bigger partnerhsip. Drop little hints once in awhile. Don't try to be a super mum as you are the one that ends up exhuasted. Its okay to ask for help when everything is on top of you.

Megan - posted on 12/07/2010

5

0

0

i didnt take my partners attitude im a young mum to i got sick of asking him so i just told him lol once he had relaxed i was always like you wanna bath tonight or feed i gave him a choice he took now he loves it men are hopeless especially if they were brought up by a dad who didnt help out the mum

Marissa - posted on 12/07/2010

11

9

0

No you simply wanting your husband to give you a little time now and then to simply catch up on rest is not asking too much. Maybe you should ask if every Sunday be your relaxation day. Ask your husband to wake up with your son and change and bathe him. Try to see if he'll even let you try to sleep in a couple eaxtra hours, or if you work like a clock like I know some people do, take yourself a nice bubble bath to just soak and relax. Even if the total time for your relaxation time is from 6am - 10am, I bet you would really cherish them 4 hours.

Katie - posted on 12/07/2010

2

21

0

One thing that I find that works is praising him and making him think that he is the most important thing in your life. Men love praise and yes, moaning never works so any little thing he does do, just praise him to your friends and family (and to him). Tell them that you are so thankful for his help!
A lot of men were raised to think that they don't have to deal with the children.
I have had 5 children and I home school them and YES I feel like God wants us to be good keepers at home, but most people cannot afford to stay home. I had to prove to my husband that we could make it, (barely) but God always provides! And that was after our first daughter died from a flu virus.
My children are good kids. I have one in a Christian College and loving it and still Home Schooling the rest. They have thanked me that I stayed home and treasured them.
Some husbands are scared of little babies but when they start to grow and giggle and show a personality, he will want to spend more time with the baby.
Be Thankful that your husband is there and your not one of the woman that husbands have died for our country and now are raising and giving birth to babies without a father. Sometimes you have to look out of the box! God Bless!

Jilene - posted on 12/07/2010

10

15

0

First of all you are lucky he is working at home. You need to just give him the baby when he is clean and full and say I need you for 1/2 hour. You need to let him know it is hard to do much while holding baby.
I took some child developement classes with my baby and she said pick one thing and make it a dad thing. So I waited for our daughter to be able to sit and then on dad did the baths all of it. I did get the pjs out and the towel. but then I left the room. He had all the controll. I was scarry at first for him but in no time he was a pro! He loved it. We had 3 daughters in 4 1/2 years, and he did the 3rd one from the begining.
It is all up to your family. So just think about what wold be good for him to do and talk about it. Hang in there it does get better. Also men just need to be reminded. that is life.

Elizabeth [ Betty ] - posted on 12/07/2010

10

0

0

Early Christian men did very little to care for the infants- And since then it didn;t change until women worked outside the home. Men who don't have the advantage of experience with babies as they grew up, haven't a clue, and may feel at a loss as to where there roll as father begins . Having heart to heart talks as you have done, makes such a difference. putting youselves in each other place, seeing what you can do to help each other is the mature way .. Go to bed early as possible, and nap when the baby does. Don't scoff at playpens when it might save them from harm, while you are active, making your lives easier, with the necessities. Marriage is team work , each partner, making life easier for one another, but this takes work,, to figure out . Be patient, and if everything doesn't get done, -remember your peace of mind is the key to your contentment . The baby will benift from this calmer atnosphere. Good luck to you, be of good cheer. r. . .

Carol - posted on 12/07/2010

1

0

0

People rarely change, so don't expect your husband to be different from what he has always been. It sounds as if you are justifiably overwhelmed. A 14 week old infant is a lot of care. Keep in mind that this too shall pass. As he gets older he will be less needful of your constant attention. The kind of attention he requires will change. You are young, and the young have amazing powers of recuperation. Even though there are times when you are exhausted, you will survive!! Prioritize your time and the tasks that need to be done. Simple meals for your family which require less preparation and less time in the grocery store. Sleep when Llewellyn sleeps. Enjoy your baby. Enjoy the time you have to be with him. Count your blessings.

Angie - posted on 12/07/2010

24

18

1

Angelique, you have done the right thing in talking to him. Bravo! :) This is a frightening thing to both of you in many ways--the sheer responsibility of it. I'm a Christian mother, too, with two older teens and I encourage new mothers to spend as much time with their children nurturing them and raising them in the Lord. It's SO important--far more important than material things! You can continue to encourage your husband, making sure that you don't criticize him for how he does things even if it's not quite the way you do it--thank him for any little thing he does and tell him how much it means to you when he is holding the baby or paying attention to Llewellyn (is that a Welsh name?). Remember that your marriage comes second to God, then your baby whom you love TOGETHER. If you keep that kind of order, you will be blessed in so many ways. Love and enjoy your baby, and never forget to love and enjoy each other as a couple in the everyday little things. Your baby will thrive in it.

Stefania - posted on 12/07/2010

18

0

0

I am really sorry for your situation.I remember when my first child was a newborn and I was overwhelemed as I think we all are the first time around.Luckily,I had my mom to help put.My husband though was very hands on.I also work form home so I know how important is is to be able to rely on someone so you can do what yoyu need to do.You do need time to yourself ,maybe a quick trip out for yourself to feel good. Maybe by sitting down and telling him you need a break and stepping out of the home will force him to change diapers etc. Putting your breastmilk in bottles will make him get involved in feedings.Tell him you'll do first and he can do the second etc inthe eve's.Helping him bond will make him get more involved too. I wish you much luck.It is very hard to raise a child with help so to do it alone is tough.

[deleted account]

My husband was the same and we ended up with 5 kids. I realized to get a break I needed to actually leave baby in his hands with a to-do list. I know it sounds scary, but start with easy tasks and eventually move into bathing.
You'll be amazed what your husband can do when he has too. He's not going to let anything happen to his little peanut. It may not be done the way you want, but what you don't know won't hurt. He'll eventually learn how to take care of peanut and you'll be a happier wife. Start with being gone for 30 minutes and leave a detailed list, exactly how you want it done. Work your way up to a couple hour, he'll learm how to handle his precious one. Trust him!

Sadie - posted on 12/07/2010

26

0

0

The only thing a breastfeeding Mum has to do is feed the baby the rest can and should be shared. My husband has always done bathtime. That's his time with the kids and my time to sit for 5. I found it best to leave him to it once he had built up his confidence, I guess you should start with small steps, leave your son with him while you go to the shops, and increase the length of time. I pointed out to my husband a relationship between a father and son starts at birth, he is missing out on so much of the good stuff like the giggles and smiles when you change their nappies etc it's an ongoing struggle but keep telling him how you feel.

Dawn - posted on 12/07/2010

3

48

0

I can relate to you! My husband was not an active parent and I lived with built up resentment. I prayed and surrounded myself with helping and understanding friends and family. Now that the kids are in high school, he's wonderful - listens to them, helps with homework and friendship problems. I love it! I think he may not know what to do or how to help and thinks that you are handling it well.

Ilo - posted on 12/07/2010

6

1

0

As a Christian you should place your expectations in God alone. Seek God's help in speaking to your husband's heart. Keep focused on your role and blessings, and make an effort to develop a good network with other mothers.

Tabitha - posted on 12/07/2010

3

30

0

nope your not asking to much, and if you let this behavior continue you will have a much bigger problem on your hands. I went through this type of problem when my son was born, and believe me when I say, if you don't take a break your gonna crack. One day I said ok fine, here ya go and left. My husband had no choice, but to take care. I only left for a couple hours. After I had fed and changed my little one know he should be fine for a few hours, just in case my hubby was a complete idiot. It helped and it gave my husband no choice, my little one was just fine by the way. Till this day sometimes I just have to leave and take a break because he doesn't just volunteer. Now we have two little ones and he CAN take care of them. Its just convenient for him not to.

Barbara - posted on 12/07/2010

7

0

0

Are you kidding me??? Really??? This husband is out of touch with reality. Baby needs Dad just as much as Mom and it only hurts Dad's relationship if he doesn't spend time with his baby.

Being a good Christian is about helping those around you. Start at home!! A good mom is a well rested mom and that means dad helps.

I agree with Allison, have your pastor arrange for you to meet with a mentoring couple. It's hard to disagree with someone who's going through the same thing, but with much better results.

Best of luck. Sounds like you married MACHO MAN.

Dana - posted on 12/07/2010

9

16

1

not being mean or anything but does he wana be a dad on his terms?? well, my husband is great & does everything & anything to help me out even though he's done a long day at work (we have 5 children from ages 10 to 1). my friend, hang on in there. who cares if he huffs & puffs after you've asked him to do something for YOUR CHILD .. as long as he helped you out that little bit. just keep asking him to fetch or do something for you. i'm sure you didn't make baby on your own. he's missing out on raising your child together because your child will know as he/she is growing up everyday.

Leslie Anne - posted on 12/07/2010

67

8

12

My husband was the same, and he always said that he would do more when our daughter was older. Now that she is a year old he tries more but she doesn't have a very strong relationship with him so she wants me all the time. It is frustrating and depressing. If you don't put your foot down now you may not be able to in the future.

Hilary - posted on 12/07/2010

1

18

0

no you are not expecting too much! Just remember this is an adjustment for both of you and there is a learning curve. Keep communicating your needs as they are valid and important to not only your overall mindset but the overall mindset of your family. Mommy needs to have some down time and someone to make her feel like this is all normal.....and it is! Whatever you do don't let guilt get the better of you and cloud your judgement. Trust your instincts with yourself just as you have with caring for your son. Use I stements not you statements with your husband, and if you have to force the issue, just leave the house and force your hubby to take responsibility while your gone. But before you do include him in your routine as much as you can so he can do things in a similar manner to you. Babies need mommies AND DADDIES, IT

Chaya - posted on 12/07/2010

737

0

227

every mother is a working mother. You are not expecting too much from him, he needes to buck up and be a dad

Caroline - posted on 12/07/2010

1

1

0

You will find some husbands do not play a huge role in rearing the children. You do? But this is 2010 and husbands even those who work help out their wifes. It sounds like your man is old school and you are allowing him to not give you breaks.
All men will be good for a couple of days and then they go right back to their ways of thinking and doing things. Perhaps you could talk to the sister-in-law and let her know how you are feeling. Maybe this will let her talk to him.

ONe thing you need to do is get out of the house where you are living. You are outnumbered by his family and it is almost like you have no say in anythiing.

Let him know you are taking a break for a few hours and would appreciate it if he would take care of your baby. If not leave some breast milk and tell him you have a babysister coming over. You do not want to get post traumatic syndrome.

Kappy - posted on 12/07/2010

70

0

2

My experience with men is that you must be VERY SPECIFIC with them when you want help. If you say, will you you please just take him for a little while... that could mean 10 minutes. If you say, I need 2 hours free of the baby every day so I can be more than just a mom at every second, can you do that? Then he can think about it and reply. Perhaps the 2 hours do not always have to be in one block of time, 30 minutes here and then 1.5 hours at another time. Or maybe you can have him take the baby each day at bathtime & keep him until bed, when you take him and nurse him off to dreamland (or however you guys do night night).

I think you'll have more success if he knows when he "shift" is coming and can plan for exactly what he needs to do. Less frustration for both of you that way.

Jessica - posted on 12/07/2010

69

10

1

No, you are not expecting too much, remember the phrase it takes a village to raise a child, well your hubby is a big part of that village and if he wants clean clothes he needs to help you do laundry or whatever else you need. My ex husband was like this and he never changed a diaper, gave my daughter a bath, cooked dinner, cleaned, nothing. You need to put an end to this now, sit down and talk to him and tell him you are feeling overwhelmed yourself (he may simply be an ignorant man and not realize you feel this way). My new husband was scared of babies when I had our son and when I spoke to him about this he made me understand (perhaps not so much in words but other ways like body language) that he was terrified to hurt the baby. I explained to him that babies are a lot more resiliant than you may think and he would do just fine. I also threatened him he would need to be scared of me if he didn't start helping me more. Guess what, it worked, now I could not ask for a better father for my son. He has given our 4 yr old almost all the baths since then, turns out he enjoys it! My husband is a great help around the house, and with the kids now as well. Often men simply don't realize how you feel unless you tell them in no uncertain terms, and unless they are well experienced with babies they won't admit it but are terrified of hurting the baby. But sometimes like my ex they are simply jerks and don't feel it is their duty to even watch the baby while you shower, if this is the case you need to think about this now and decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your lives. No matter what he says you work very hard as well (even if you don't get paid for it) and deserve an hour nap here or there. If you need a nap and you are afraid he will bring baby back in 10 minutes give him a specific time to wake you up and make sure he is well prepared for the amount of time you need (ie: baby is freshly changed and he has clean diapers if baby needs a change while you are sleeping, baby is well fed, tell him to take baby for a walk if baby is crying or cranky, etc). If you need help just with the housework someone once told me if you stop cleaning he will eventually get sick of seeing the house dirty (or of having no clean clothes to wear) and will get off his lazy butt although whether or not that would work for you is up to you. Good luck!

Pamela - posted on 12/07/2010

711

9

6

We, as humans, are creatures of HABIT and it is difficult to break old HABITS! In our society men have been taught that it is the women's job to care for the children. This MYTH exists throughout the world in all cultures and is a 'throw back' to ancient beliefs.
It could be as simple as the fact that your husband is 'afraid' of harming or hurting the child in some way because of the child's size and the Dad's strength. Men are often full of fears with children that are simply not true. They just have to "UNLEARN" the crap that has been taught to them by society, parents. magazines, etc., etc.
The baby is young. Sit down and TALK ABOUT what you want. Do it when the baby is sleeping so there is no interruption. BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND HIS!!!!!!!
You can work it out!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms