Am I expecting too much from my husband?

Courtney - posted on 12/02/2010

I understand how you feel. With our first son my husband would never keep him by himself or change diapers. I would get so upset b/c even though I was a stay at home mom I needed alittle time to myself to. But I came to realize that he did not do this to be mean it just scared him. He would play and hold him when I was around but was scared to be alone w/ him. He had not been around alot of babies and when he would cry he felt helpless and didn't know what to do. I know it gets very frustrating but give him some time. When we had boy no.2 &3 he was very hands on b/c it didn't seem so scarey anymore. Been there done that. The one thing that got me through the overwelming times was that God would not put us through things that we could not handle. Good luck and congrats on the baby.

Debi - posted on 12/02/2010

If men want their wives to help bring incomes into the house then men need to help with off-spring and home duties. Tell your guy to grow up.

Peggy - posted on 12/02/2010

My husband never looked after my children when they were babies. A lot of men think that its a womans duty to raise the children. I have noticed with the new generation men seem to take a more active role in parenting. It was unheard of a man feeding, changing and bathing a baby but I've noticed with my sons-in-law they do help my daughters with the babies.

Debi - posted on 12/02/2010

Either get a job away from home where he is forced to take care of his child or stop doing business work from home and concentrate on being a stay at home mom.

Carol - posted on 12/02/2010

hi its hard being a mum and a wife but life isnt going to be hard all the time you husband is just getting used to be a dad and most husband wont bath change or do much with young babys my husband did take it in turns 1 night i would stay up and he would sleep all night the next night he did the same for me we both had equal amounts of sleep and were less stressed i have 3 children 14 10 and 8 two boys and 1 girl the odldest boy was the worst 1 he never slept for 11 months but he wasnt a bad baby he just didnt like sleeping hes a lot differnt now cant wak him up good luck and dont get pushed into something to hard stand upto your husband and tell him how you feel and sosrt things out with him it is hard being a mum and a wife buth both of you need to talk it threw good luck for the future

Tina - posted on 12/02/2010

Adjustment to the whole family after a new baby arrives is a delicate process.You all need rest and sleep to keep your health and look after each other.Explain to your husband your true feelings and ask him how he thinks he could help more to help you and your child. Try to focus on the positive and scale down your business for a few weeks until you son is sleeping more. After all he will only be a baby for a short while and with time it will all come together.Good luck. Tina.. Registered childminder. UK. X

Karin - posted on 12/02/2010

Yes this is tough & you are not receiving the correct support that you need. Yes men can be scared of babies etc but that does not absolve them from fatherhood. he needs to bond with his child. Even if you have to "manipulate" the situation a little! I used to get into the bath with my baby - I was scared like hell too! She cried all the time too. I would bath her with me while dad stood by then he would take her to dress her whilst I had a little time out to soak in the bath. Even though he was scared he did it & has such a close bond with all our children. I also expected him to do things & when I couldn't get things done I left them until I got the help that I needed. He had started a new job at a retirement centre and had a serious wake up call when older men told them how much they regret that they were not involved with their children & now do not have relationship with them & are hurting because of what they did not do!! MEN NEED TO HEAR THIS. When you baby sleeps, you must rest/sleep too, let your in-laws help you - give them jobs to do with expectancy. pull out of helping in the business & don't get bullied back into it again until he has seen "the light". you are worthy of respect, love, building up & support. you are raising the next generation - something not to be taken lightly!!!!! ask your Father in heaven for His divine wisdom & help.

Sidney - posted on 12/02/2010

Get counseling. This problem will not fix itself. Problems only get worse over time. He might believe that the baby is your primary responsibility, but the baby needs both parents to be fully involved with his care. Your husband may also want to appear macho in front of his father ( you did say you were living with him). In any case, all this will not brign the two of you closer, it will only cause problems over time. Please talk to someone, perhaps your pastor or a therapist.

Jan - posted on 12/01/2010

You are not expecting too much. remember if you dont look after yourself who is going to look after your son(s) May be try explaining it like this to your husband, Hope it works but if it doesnt dont give up. It will be easier in the long run if you keep reminding him of your joint commitment to the family. Good luck. I went through it and never did get daddy to change a nappy etc but then again he is 66 and from the older generation

Amanda - posted on 12/01/2010

Hi there! I am in a similar, although it seems, not quite as severe position as you. Is your husband a Christian too? Perhaps he is of the attitude that it's the womens place to be in the home too - ie you are home all day therefore you cook/clean/carry out your motherly duties while he earns the keep. Men just don't realise that being a new mum is a 24/7 job with no rest and no life. My husband is only just (after 10 weeks) starting to bother to talk to our son and hold/interact with him. I think it is improving now that our son is smiling and babbling and hubby can now ret a response from him. I guess if all else fails, you could just hand your baby over to him with a couple of bottles of expressed breast milk and show him what it's really like! Good luck!

Leeat - posted on 12/01/2010

I don't think you are expecting enough! My husband has been hands on from day one, and I stayed home with our first daughter for the first six months and went back to work part time until she was three and I had to go back to teaching full time for financial reasons. He took night shifts, bathed, rocked and fed her regularly. It takes two to make a baby and it also takes two to raise one. Just because in the past women have had most of the responsibility of taking care of the baby doesn't mean that's right. Women used to not be allowed to vote in the past, but that wasn't right. mom's will always be the one with more responsibility when it comes to the family because we are just better at multi tasking, but that doesn't mean men should not have a lot of responsibility when it comes to raising their children. Also for the sake of the child's relationship with their father.

Darnell - posted on 12/01/2010

It takes two to make a baby, however if your husband and the father of your child is not pulling his wait in sharing the responsibilities of raising that child, then you have a problem. This may continue to create a larger problem. Maybe you should think about taking a job outside of the home, part time, this will force him to pick up the slack and provide you with time outside the home and for yourself. Just a suggestion. Good Luck!

Beverly - posted on 12/01/2010

It's tough, we all need the help from time to time, but we have to accept that we are not built the same way. It would frustrate me too if my husband didn't help out. I'm a stay at home mom and would go nuts with his help. But I knew how he would be going into it and I know that because he didn't carry our son, or nurse him, he wont feel the same way. I stay up nights with my son, I still nurse him, I deal with the brunt of the responsibilities. I have to constantly remind him he's an adult and needs to keep up with his share of things. I've accepted that men rarely grow up. But as mothers, we are the patient and nurturing ones and absolutely don't mind the role.

Jenny - posted on 12/01/2010

I tried to post before, but do not think it went through. So if this is a repeat, sorry.
No you are not crazy for wanting him to help you. You are called to be his help mate, but he is called to be your heavy lifter. Eph 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—"
How did Christ love His church, He served her. He took care of her. Many say He died for her, and He did, but that seems to be the easy way out for most men. The truth is that He made sure that she was taken care of. There is nothing wrong with you wanting and expecting him to help you. That is what he is called to do. It is a learning process. He has to learn to love you the way Christ calls him to love you. I have a blog
www.jennyslain.blogspot.com
I speak of marriage often, good and bad. At the top of the page type in the subject you would like to address and it will take you to the blogs that speak about that. I would love to help as much as possible. It really is a heart issue. How do you speak to him? How does he show you he loves you? It is all possible. It is a learning/heart issue...

Angela - posted on 12/01/2010

I'm assuming this is your first child. I definitely don't have all the answers, but now having my fourth child, I'm a little further down the road, and I want to offer you my sympathy and encouragement. I remember being overwhelmed often with my first one, especially when he would leave me to bathe and dress the baby, and we were already late for church. He'd sit in the vehicle honking, and impatient, while I was frantically trying to get myself and the baby ready for church. He just didn't seem to realize there were things he could have been doing, such as stocking the diaper bag, that would have helped me get ready faster. But there is hope. Time and necessity have taught him a lot. As he's become more familiar with babies, he's become more comfortable with them. With our first one, he would hand the baby to me at the first little cry, but with our fourth one, he actually offers to take the baby and rock him to sleep when he's become uncommonly fussy. He didn't used to change any diapers, or give any baths, but now he will even tackle soiled diapers from time to time (with a shirt wrapped around his face!), and baths the three oldest for me, while I'm combing their hair and dressing them for church. With each child, he has become more and more involved, and with each child he has learned to see more ways to help, even doing laundry and dishes for me. His latest accomplishment is sweeping the floors, though he still doesn't mop or vacuum. It is a joy to watch him learning to be a father, and that is really what it is. Someone once told me, and it really helped me keep it in perspective - we, as mothers, have instinct to help us. We instinctively know how to be a mother, and we have that nine months of bonding time before the baby is ever born. The fathering doesn't come instinctively, nor does the bonding. Learn to see and encourage the times when he is a good father, and he will yet become a father you will admire. Keep hanging in there, and look to Jesus for strength and wisdom. Your man isn't a failure - just in training.

Janice - posted on 12/01/2010

I agree with Gillian and I need to add one more thing---have your inlaws to help because at least once a month you need to have a date night with your husband. The busier you become with your business the more you will need to lean on each other with your parenting duties.

Gillian - posted on 12/01/2010

Have you asked why he doesn't want to be more involved with the care? Sometimes men are scared when they are young. That they will harm the baby in some way and it makes them very uncomfortable to do more then hold the baby because they seem fragile to them and don't want 't bathe or change him. Maybe he doesn't want to express this discomfort and avoids the situation or feels you are so much better at doing those things. I don't think you are expecting too much. He is the father and should be able to watch your son for a couple of hours. I did find with both of my kids that my husband was much more likely to do things when they hit 3 months and didn't seem quite was fragile and he found a way to comfort them in his way.

Robyn - posted on 12/01/2010

If you and him are both working the same amount of time onthe business then no you arenot expecting too much from him. If you are asking him to take your son as soon as he is done working at the business, give him a few minutes to relax then get him to take your son. I found if I waited about a half hour after my husband was home from/done work there was a less of a problem and he would take the baby for a couple hours at a time

Jill - posted on 12/01/2010

I do not think you are expecting too much. Luckily for me, my husband got right into diaper duty for I had difficulty getting up and then would bring the baby to me. You should try to use "I" statements such as I feel disappointed or sad that you are doing majority of parenting. If you are exclusively breastfeeding, you are doing the feeding as well. My husband used to get up and change the baby and then bring baby for me to nurse. As the baby got older he was not changed or nursed as frequently. Being a parent is tiring and it should not all be on your shoulders. Also, I would include statements of the little that he did so far to help you such as that really helped when you looked after the baby for a while. Good luck!

Janice - posted on 12/01/2010

Your son is 3 and half years old and think about this you carried your child inside of you for 9 months and are constantly being reminded (because of breastfeeding) that you have that responsibility with your son. The connection is just different which makes your husband seem uninterested but try approaching him differently by including him on decision making about how you want to raise your son. You can easily think that feeding and changing the baby is all that needs to be done but if he would read to your baby and watch Llewellyn have different expressions in his face that is a way of connecting with him. After all you are a woman that has a different bond with him because you carried him for 9 months and men feel left out so sometimes the bond does not come as quickly. In any way you see things about your son that is like your husband point these things out because this will make a difference. Now the responsibility is scary because you are in charge of a human being but this is something that God helps us with. Pray with your husband and one more thing do not nag your husband because that smothers a man and tends to make him feel mothered.

Sue - posted on 12/01/2010

My husband did 50% and I did 50% We took turns with night wakes and he did baths becasue I did most of the feeding. I think you have to have a balance, always being with son will drive you crazy! It does get better but the first months can be very hard. I would try to express how much help you need and hope he listens. Having a newborn is very hard. The work you do never stops, he can come home after and leave work behind.

Joy - posted on 12/01/2010

I went through the same thing with my Husband except my Husband was worse. He would get home from work and if the baby started to cry he would walk out the door and not come home until 2:00 a.m.! I just accepted it and had to raise our 4 children by myself. He never changed any of their diapers even once and never bathed any of them or put any of them to bed. Now they are all grown and he has become such a good husband to me. He spends time with me and I am so happy I stuck it out through those years when I never saw him because now we have such a good relationship. He just has bad nerves when it comes to babies and toddlers. We have been married for 25 years now and this is something you may have to endure and then later in life be glad you stayed with him.

Diana - posted on 12/01/2010

I am an older mom, my youngest is now 14. But when my first 2 were babies I let my now ex-husband get away with that crap because I believed it was my job to stay home with the kids while he worked and he didn't do anything:( Bad mistake all it did was lead me to stress and depression and I suffered way too long for the kids sake!! Don't let him get away with it, that is his baby too make him help raise it in every way possible!! Good luck:)

Sherri - posted on 12/01/2010

I can't be much help as my husband NEVER helped with any of my children. His job was really to work and come home and play with them and my job was to do attend to there needs. To this day he still doesn't know where to find there clothes, has never given them a bath or cut there nails.

Joyce - posted on 12/01/2010

if all the responsibility is on your shoulder to care for the baby, then think I would shift all the responsibility on to your husband for the business. What is the father in law and sister in law doing all this time if you have to do all the housework too???????

Rhonda - posted on 12/01/2010

I meant to add sometimes Dad's don't know how to help. He needs something in black and white that he doesn't have to think about. I went to work when my youngest was 6 months old (in the evenings). It was the best thing for us. He gets to see how hard it is. He bathes them, does the dishes and even folds the laundry. Things go much more smoothly when we all pick up the slack. It is very selfish of one not to help out and he probably doesn't even realize that he is being that way.

Rhonda - posted on 12/01/2010

I think you are not overreacting. He needs to help out more. He is not appreciating all that you do. I understand you believe the majority of the house and child rearing is yours, but you deserve a break and rest when you are not getting it. I would suggest making a chart or something like that to let him know how and when to help. And let him know that it will make you more productive if you get some time off and explain to him that you are feeling overwhelmed and unrested. It is in his best interest to help you out. You are a team and together your life can be blessed.

Lisa - posted on 12/01/2010

I was a stay at home mom too! still am, only work p/t. My husband is the same. Christian or not marriage and parenting is a partnership. I figured because I was at home, I could take the brunt of the Home work, he afterall was the bread winner in the family. I did everything and my day never ended 24/7 ...I didn't push....PUSH and push hard. explain to him what you need and what you expect from him. He needs to do things too...every minute he spends with his child gives you a much deserved break and he gets to bond with his child as well. Your working too, so he really needs to get involed. If he dosent, all 3 of you will regret it later.

Lisa

Kellie - posted on 12/01/2010

My son is 2 1/2 and my husband does much more with him now. He was terrified of him at the beginning and just didn't know what to do. I still do the majority of taking care of him because I'm not lucky enough to stay at home. However, I'm very close to my little boy and my mom watches him. I work 4 days a week and I don't feel bad about that in the least. He doesn't do without. I'd feel worse as a mother if I stayed at home and he did without necessities and some wants. Just talk to him and don't assume that he knows what to do, most men just don't. Not all Christian women believes that a woman's place is in the home BTW, I'm a Christian woman and have to work and like to work. My family still come 1st though. He'll still irritate you down the road once his business picks up as well. Just don't let it get to you if you can and always talk about it. Whining about little things just makes it worse, it's the big things that count.

Angelique - posted on 11/29/2010

Thanks to all mommies for your advice and wise words :-) my husband & I have spoken and found something that works for our little family. He was a bit intimidated, so we discussed how both of us felt and how we felt it would affect Llewellyn. Things are looking up! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Nalleli - posted on 11/26/2010

I been there, with our third child. I even try to set a schedule of the baby and the older boys. It's hard living with relatives, Have you talk to him about the way you feel? Try to do it just you and him outside of the house (in the library could be a good place none of you can get laud), you need to know exactly what are the chores you want him to help, and set a time. Be realistic don't expect a huge change over night. Guys take time, but with love and LOTS of patience it could happen. It worked for me. When he start to help praise him in ANY way, make him feel SUPER DAD, and SUPER SEXY......you know they act sometimes like little kids, well you can be smarter then him.

Melissa - posted on 11/26/2010

You are not expecting to much. Go to pastor/priest and get help. They will councle you for free or a nominal fee. It could help! I agree with you on the stay-at-home mom. I have been one for the last 4 years. My husband worked long days so I really got no break. My mother-in-law would take my little one when I need help. Try to find a family memeber to help you with some of the things you feel you just can't do. If your family can they will.

Angie - posted on 11/26/2010

Like you, I believe that a woman's place is in the home, when possible. I think children need to nurturing love of a mom - that can't be bought at a daycare or babysitter. With all that said, your husband also need to treasure you and your son. Give him some time to get used to his new role. I am blessed my husband has always been an involved parent.

Sharon - posted on 11/26/2010

Yep, my husband was quite a bit 'hands-off' in the first 6mths or so. He was afraid of hurting Xander or doing something wrong that would then hurt him, or not know what was wrong with him if he cried. I would get a little frustrated sometimes and was concerned that he wasn't going to bond with his son due to this, but he kept telling me he'd be ok when Xander got older.
Well, he's now almost 13mths and my husband is fabulous. He loves the rough play they can do now, and isn't scared that anything he does is going to break him.
I'm 19wks pregnant now and think he'll probably be the same with this little one too. For him, he was just very intimidated by looking after a little person and was worried he wouldn't be able to meet his sons needs.

Lisa - posted on 11/26/2010

Some man are nervous around babies and are not sure what to do. As the baby gets older he will spend more time with him

Meghan - posted on 11/26/2010

Based on my past relationship asking him to put his socks in the fn hamper was asking too much. I believe my place is at home and I am not Christian...nothing to do with it, I just love spending time with my son and HATE getting up to go to a stupid meaningless job (nothing wrong with it, just my preference) anyway babbling...Mom's need time to themselves regardless of going to work or not. Being a SAHM IS a job...a job with no coffee breaks, no sick days and sometimes with very little adult interaction. I did sink or swim a few times with my ex where I just told him I was going to do banking and grab a coffee...my phone is off

Rachel - posted on 11/26/2010

You deffinately need to talk you your husband you did not make this child on your own and should not be expected to take care of him on your own. i am the primary caregiver for both of my children i have a 3 year old and also a 10 month old i do get a small break but that is when i am working for 2 hrs in the morning every morning taking care of elderly people. but if my boyfriend is not busy and i tell him i need a break or ask him to give them baths he will do what i ask with no problem. he has done this since we got together almost 2 years ago when i just had my son. he took too him as if he was his own. and has helped out with my daughter since day one. he even changed her first diaper and did her first bath because i had a repeat c section along with fixing my existing scar so i was very sore. you really need to talk to your husband because he needs to bond with your son now while he is little it will help their relationship when they are older. good luck sweety

Melissa - posted on 11/26/2010

Your husband might be scared to death. If he is he will probably never admit it. My oldest turns three in Jan and my husband changed his diaper a total of 5 times. My youngest just turned 1 and has never had his bum changed by daddy. I have talked to my husband about it and he has told me its not that he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to do it wrong. I get very little help from my husband with both our sons and no help with house cleaning, laundry, etc. He now has a wonderful bond with our sons, it just only includes play time and when they are happy. Make sure if he does something good you give him a compliment and if he does a really bad job changing a diaper or something you don't criticize, sometimes they just need confidence about what they are doing and if you are too critical it pushes them farther from helping you.

Alison - posted on 11/26/2010

You need to understand that most men are not that into babies and don't really know what to do with them. The older they get, the more "fun" they are, the more daddy will enjoy hanging out with them.



What I encourage you to do is to sit down with your hubby and ask him what he thinks would be a reasonable arrangement. Could he give you 30 min. to an hour every day or every other day? Could he do the bath once or twice a week. Often when you ask your husband what he thinks is reasonable you'll get a better deal than if you tell him what you want.



If you and your husband are Christians and this approach doesn't work, ask your pastor or a mature couple to sit down with the two of you and help you to work it out. It is always great to get an outside perspective.



P.S. Moaning at your husband is never a good idea.

Carol - posted on 11/26/2010

It's something that should of been talked about before you were married. There should of been an understanding that you do not wish to bare all the responsibility of raising the child. A solid understanding of exactly what you expect him to do and how to help out. After all he help in making this wonderful addition, and he needs to contribute to the raising of this babe. My husband from the beginnging when we were just talking about marriage knew what I expected. I told him, "I want you to change diapers, to wash.. to dress, to feed when the baby is old enough to eat solids. I want you to help discipline, to be apart of our child's life in every way." Now we have two kids, one in high school and one fixing to be in middle school. On both children he has stood by me, and helped in every way possible. However, if you do not put your expectations in a clear and understood manner you will never get the results you are wanting.

Katherine - posted on 11/26/2010

Yes, taking a break is VERY important for a new mom. Husbands don't get that and you need to be very clear about that.
I have 2, one is 5 and the other is 20 months. I tell my husband I need a break all the time.

It really angers me when I hear moms saying their SO doesn't give them a break. Being a mom is a lot of work. I think that's why so many moms suffer from PPD.

Angelique - posted on 11/26/2010

Hi Laura,

Well, my husband will fill Llewellyn's bath for me and empty it, usually with a huff & puff because I've asked him while he was busy doing something. He is not always like this though, there are occasions that he will also set Llewellyns towel out out of his own. Iv asked him to please make sure Llewllyn's dirty nappy bag from the nappy liners is thrown out, i usaully remind him a few times or it doesn't get done. I don't ask him for anything else, I suppose it boils down to wanting his support. Oh & of course I asked him a few times to look after Llewellyn so that I can take a break which usaully is not longer than 15minutes! There are just small things that I may ask him to help me with like fetching me a cloth for Llewellyn if my hands are full.

Jana - posted on 11/26/2010

My husband was intimidated by the prospect of caring for a newborn. His idea was to pretty much admire the baby until he was 'old enough to talk to and play with.' I explained to him that, if he didn't care for and spend time with our son when he was an infant, there would be no bonding and he wouldn't want to 'hang out' with his dad when he was old enough.

Talk to him about your needs (a trip alone to town, a two hour nap.) But also stress to him that changing diapers, feeding, bathing Llewellyn are bonding activities that will be very beneficial to his lifelong relationship with his son.

And no, you are not expecting too much. You are probably expecting too little. It's great that you are applying Christian principles to yourself as a mother, but be sure to also study what the Bible has to say about a father's role.

Good luck! Settling in as brand new parents can be tough, but it's so rewarding!

Katherine - posted on 11/26/2010

Just because you're Christian, doesn't mean you should believe your place is in the home. That's insane IMO.

Anyways my husband did NOTHING the first 6 months with my daughter and I mean NOTHING. I was so mad at him.
You are both parents and you should both be parenting.

Laura - posted on 11/26/2010

That's hard to say because you don't mention what your expectations are.