Am i normal for feeling this way???

Jamie - posted on 06/09/2009 ( 34 moms have responded )

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Hi I'm a 21 year old single mum and my daughter is almost 3 and im finding it hard to cope at the moment.Sometimes i feel so depressed and run down and wonder why I had had children. I know it sounds awful and selfish but i cant help it. I love my daughter and i would never leave her but i feel guilty having these thoughts.
Does anyone else ever feel like this????

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Ruth - posted on 06/10/2009

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You sound to me like you could be suffering from depression. Then you feel guilty for feeling that way towards your child and you wind up feeling worse! If I were you, I'd talk to your doctor about counselling and/or medication.

Anti-depressants are nothing to be frightened or ashamed of. Speaking from experience, they can make you feel human again. If your had high blood pressure you'd take medication, right? So is the case with anti-depressants. For your daughter's emotional well-being, as well as your own, have a chat with your doctor.

Happy Mother = Happy baby :-)

Natasha - posted on 06/10/2009

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Quoting Jamie:

Thank you so much Jessica i feel better knowing im completely normal for thinking this now. :) I honestly cant remember what i liked before i had her its like my whole past has been erased and replaced with mummy brain.I really enjoy those moments alone to do something for myself although they are very rare these days, my family likes to make me feel guilty for taking a day off to have to myself.Although i have arranged with my mum to have saturday night off so im going to do what ever i want and enjoy myself without caring what they will say or think.



 




You do not need to take on their opinions, your dealing with your own struggles without taking any more worries. You can tell y our family, it is their time for family bonding with your daughter. You are having a break so you can improve on being a mother.

In other cultures, women have larger extended families living with them to help them. It is perfectly normal to want some down time. I say, having a bit of down time to reflect, is very healthy.




 

Ruth - posted on 06/10/2009

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Quoting Jamie:

you right you know because i have had these major ups and downs since i was a teenager but like you said i am affraid to go on medication but i know that it will help sooooo much.Now that someone other than my mum has said it im going to fix it. For my daughters sake. hahaha and everyone around me. thank you ruth.



No problem. It's sad that there's such a stigma attached to mental health problems - but at least 1 in 4 people will suffer during their lives. I'm not on medication at the moment as I'm pregnant but I've been on and off it since the age of 18 (I'm 32 now).



I can't stand it when people say, "oh, it wouldn't be me, I wouldn't take 'happy pills'. You might get addicted" and other bullsh*t like that. What's worse? Taking a couple of tablets every day or spiralling into depression and taking my husband and kids with me?



If you have a medical condition, you take medication. Whether it's for your heart, your stomach, your blood or you mind, it all needs taking care of.



Feel free to message me if you want any advice or info. Sometimes just talking to people who have been through the same situation is enough to make you feel a bit better and les hopeless about things x

Jeanne - posted on 06/09/2009

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First of all Jamie I commend you for taking on motherhood at such a young age and on top of it all single mom - WOW - your one strong woman. I was a single mom for the first 18 months of my daughters life (I was almost 36 years old when I had my daughter) and it was one tough job. Even though I adore my daughter I sometimes wondered if I had done the right thing by keeping her after she was born. I wondered if I was the mother she needed and deserved but things are sometimes easier and sometimes harder. You sound like you are burnt out my dear. If you have the chance ask someone to help out by watching her for one night so you can sleep in or just have a girls night out. Parenthood is overwhelming at any age so yes I think it is perfectly normal to be having a rough time of things occasionally. And maybe just maybe your feelings of depression are stemming from the fact that you are overtired. Good luck to you.

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Mel - posted on 06/14/2009

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yes totally normal, feelings of anger, resentment even wanting to hurt your child its all normal and most mothers go thru it well the feelings anyways its just most of us dont follow thru. so dont stress about it and dont feel guilty x

Gul - posted on 06/14/2009

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Im not a single mom, but have 2 boys...almost 3, and almost 2. I feel like I'm doing all the work though, although I do have a husband..I havent gone out since I can remember...never really have time for myself at all!! It's really tough, and gets to me quite often...I absolutely know what you mean when u say that family members makes u feel guilty when u do something for yourself. They do that on me too. It's crazy, isnt it. Well, know that you're not the only one feeling this way!! Even having a husband just doesnt make it any easier sometimes!

Crissy - posted on 06/13/2009

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Jamie, Take a deep breathe look at your daughter see how beautiful she is now and imagine what she will be like in 20 years it will awe you and make you smile remember even when she's being bold and out of control you created that litlle person and she will be your on constant for the rest of your days. You are doing a great job i'm sure!! Good luck in the future dont forget there is always someone you can talk to!

Eastlyn - posted on 06/13/2009

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You feel like that because there is no plan in your life. what ever you do , you musttake things in a stride.there must be a discipline. have the time to settle in your daughter. leaving every thing else. when she has settled in then you can see about you try it.

[deleted account]

Sweetie, you are so normal when you feel this way. Don't get too down. the 3 yr old stage is a very difficult one. I have 5 wonderful kids and each one had to go through that stage, and each time I thought I was gonna lose my mind. They are so curious and experiment with thier surroundings so much during that time. But they also are testing their boundaries with you and will stop at nothing just to see how far you will let them go. Being a single mom doesn't help this fact either cuz you don't have a mate to help you get a break. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself and keeping an ample supply of good vitamins in your system so that physical fatigue is not a factor. Being single and having a 3 yr old is stressful, as is having a job and doing everything yourself, so vitamin B complex is a must. But make sure you establish specific rules and guidelines for your tot so she knows without a doubt what you expect of her. If she crosses the line, make sure there is an immediate consequence for her disobedience. Always do everything with a motivation of love, however. This way she doesn't just feel like she's being bossed or manipulated. Taking action, not just talking is always a more effective route. I will keep you in my prayers Jamie. God be with you as you raise your little one into a beautiful women on the inside as well as the outside.

Heather - posted on 06/11/2009

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Those thoughts are very normal, particularly if you are depressed! Are you getting help for that? Everything seems so hard with depression but with help you can get better, plus you have the added pressure of being a single mum. Don't put so much pressure on yourself! You are doing a job by yourself that 2 parents can find hard together! of course you love your daughter, otherwise you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Take a step back and really look at all the things that you do do well. Having a clean house isn't what makes you a good mum, it's whether your daughter feels loved and secure.And remember 3 can be an exhausting age, make sure you give yourself time out for just you, and don't feel guilty. A happy mum equals a happy child. Hope I',v helped. Cheers Heather

Heather - posted on 06/11/2009

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I am on medication for anxiety that I was having and let me tell you I was scared to even start it. I told the doctor I would try counseling to get over my anxiety but within a week or so I was back in the office and asked him to put me on something so I could be 100% well with my son.
I haven't had any side effects with the medication i'm on which is 20 mg paroxetine (generic Paxil). Many people say that when they take it they get tired but I haven't really felt that. The only thing is you have to keep taking it and if you want to go off of the medication you have to have your DR wean you off of it because you get withdrawals if you suddenly stop taking it ( I know from experience and it wasn't fun) But really there's nothing to be afraid of and there's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to the best of us.

Tonie - posted on 06/11/2009

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i have suffered with depression too on and off .. but you MUST get help ... dont be afraid to ask for help. Get as much support from family and friends if you possibly can .. if someone offers to babysit grab the chance with both hands .... you deserve some 'ME' time now and then .. and treat yourself occasionally ... to hell with feeling guilty ... if you are happy then so your baby will be .... all the best, take care... just remember to love yourself too x

Nicole - posted on 06/11/2009

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Dear Jamie,

Your feelings are less about your actual daughter and more about the responsibility of motherhood, don't worry too much about the guilt. You will grow as a mother as she grows as a child. You have a lot of stuff going on right now and that's why you're feeling overwhelmed. There absolute obligations that are forcing out your free time, it will definitely get better as she gets older and can entertain herself more. I play board games, no matter how childish and silly, with my kids and we both have a great time.

The most important thing is how you treat your daughter. Don't be afraid to let her know that you are frustrated, she'll be frustrated, too, sometimes. To see the way you handle it is important for her. There are times that we are frustrated with our jobs, our relationships, etc., so being frustrated with motherhood is certainly not outlandish or something to feel bad about.

Make things as easy as possible for yourself, the little things, like keeping anything you don't want her to have out of her sight so that you aren't having to scold her very often, let her have a dirty face around the house, keep foods in the fridge that she can have at her reach so that she can help with snacks and things, stuff like that. I have learned that in my old age (39 with a 6 and 13 year old) but it took time. I wasn't always single, but have been widowed since they were 3 and 10, so I have an idea of what that's like. Now I'm working full-time, going to college part time, and I have two, so making things easy has become a necessity.

Good luck and God bless. Don't be so hard on yourself, it adds to your stress.

Jennifer - posted on 06/11/2009

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Jamie,

Depending on the medication you can have different side effects. Usually they are very minor. Like upset stomach, headache, and in some cases less libido. If you take the medication at night right before bed most of the side effects you won't even notice. SSRI's (antidepressants) have been around for a long time and the benefits outweigh the side effects. Good luck!

Leia - posted on 06/11/2009

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I am 32 with a 3 year old and i feel that way AT LEAST once a week...sometimes once a day. Sounds like u just need a break. All moms feel this way at somepoint, and if they say they don't then they are lying!!

Rhonda - posted on 06/11/2009

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I really hope all works out for you and I am glad to have helped. I wish someone had told me thier experiences when I found out. I wouldn't have wasted three years fighting depression without meds. hugs for you. You are not alone.

Jamie - posted on 06/11/2009

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I have to admit i would rather be on medication and live a happy medium rather than my erratic ups and downs.thank you so much i am going to the doctor tomorrow and i will surely let you know how i go..

Rhonda - posted on 06/11/2009

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It is harder to tell people you know. LOL Thanks



Side effects depend on the medicine. The first time around it was really bad for me. For two weeks I felt sick to my stomache and my heart beat so fast and on that 14th night I told myself I was quitting if it continued and it stopped. I also gained wieght and had the sweats a lot. That was back in 1998.



They have newer drugs now with less effects and it wasn't so bad this time. I sweat a little but not like before. I am not gaining wieght and if I miss a dose I feel a little light headed.



It has taken about two months to feel the good effects but I know I am on the right path. I will never allow myself to get as low as thinking of ending my life ever again.



I am a happy person full of energy and I love life. Depression can really effect how you live. I won't let it do that to me anymore. I am happy you have found this outlet. I never had it.

Michelle - posted on 06/11/2009

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If your dr suggests meds, do it. Its the best thing that could happen for Tori is to have a happy healthy mother!

Jamie - posted on 06/11/2009

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wow Rhonda that takes some guts to come out and say that, thank you!
After reading all the comments and peoples experiences i am now ready for the next step.
I found out that 4 of my other family members are on anti depressants.
What are the side affects? and does it depend on what meds you take?

Rhonda - posted on 06/11/2009

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oh, by the way, sometimes the side effects are rough, hang in there, they will subside. The other effects are so worth it!

Rhonda - posted on 06/11/2009

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I have only ever felt this way when I was suffering from severe depression. I fought the doctors about taking medication for almost three years and my kids are the ones who felt the hurt of it. I tried therapy alone and self help books and I regret to this day that I didn't take medication as well.



I was finally at the point of considering suicide and what stopped me was the thought of my children. I got on anti-depressants and it took some time but, it worked and I continued therapy and things got a whole lot better. I was on them for three years and then I weaned myself off. It has been about three years and I am recognizing the signs returning. I am now back on anti-depressants because I am not wasting anymore time. The doctor warned me that it is a life long battle, there will be ups and downs and I have educated myself to recognize when I am in trouble.



I am a healthier happier person and a much better mother for it. I do keep this private because the stigma is always there and people are not really understanding of it. Even the kids. I told them about the pills before and then when I was upset they would tell me to take a pill. I understand they are kids and don't understand these things but it sure stings your heart. So I confide in my true friends and mature people who understand only.



I am only sharing this with you because if it helps another person to hear my troubles and experiences at least some good will come of it.

Jamie - posted on 06/10/2009

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hi Nancy im from Adelaide Australia,I just signed up to this group and i think it is amazing i have never been a part of something like this and i think it is just so great that i cant vent my feelings and know there is support out there for me and that women in the same situation give me such great advice.And yes there is alot of financial assistance here for anybody who needs it. And just like you im not just a mum im also a chef and just knowing that i have applied myself and got qualifications makes me feel alot better and i want tori (my daughter) to look up to me when shes older and know that anything is possible and dreams and ambitions have no limit. I have also done all the nessacery courses to work in child care aswell. All i need now is a nice respectable man to marry and settle down with lol that could be a tricky one.

Nancy - posted on 06/10/2009

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Jamie-

I was 26 and married when I had my twins, and that was dififcult. Anyone who said being a mom was easy is lying. I don't know where you are from, but you are certainly not the only person dealing with what you are going through. You need to seek out people who understand. Look for friends online, locally, ect who are moms like you. Actuallly, even though I was not single, I felt like it due to my husbands work hours. When my girls were first born, my friends were other moms online. Also, again, I am not sure where you are from, but I was able to get financial aid for school after I had children. Just being in an educational environment made me feel normal...like I just wasn't just a mom...I was still a person. Jamie, good for you to reach out with your concerns, and I know your daughter will look at you some day and say look at what my mom did for me. Keep in touch, I want to know that you two are okay.

Natasha - posted on 06/10/2009

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Maybe you should try having a regular day off for yourself? Do you have family that can take your daughter for the day, maybe once a week? I think it is better for your relationship if you feel 100%.

Jamie - posted on 06/10/2009

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you right you know because i have had these major ups and downs since i was a teenager but like you said i am affraid to go on medication but i know that it will help sooooo much.Now that someone other than my mum has said it im going to fix it. For my daughters sake. hahaha and everyone around me. thank you ruth.

Jamie - posted on 06/10/2009

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awwww thank you every one they are all such sweet comments now im going to turn my frown upside down and smile coz i am doing a great job.. thanks heaps...

[deleted account]

Its totally normal and try not to beat yourself up for thinking that. We are so hard on ourselves as moms and parenting alone is the HARDEST job in the whole world. Try to carve out a few minutes everyday for yourself, pat yourself on the back daily and use positive selftalk to keep yourself on the path. I used to look at myself in the mirror and pretend I was being interviewed by the committee who just gave me the mom of the year award, and I would tell all the viewers out there just how great I was that day. Your daughter will learn how to be a strong powerful woman by your example, and dont forget to take a moment everyday to find something to feel good about. Starting a gratitude journal is a good way to see just what is good about the day. My thoughts are with you, and you GO GIRL!

Lydia - posted on 06/10/2009

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Definately not alone - two of the closest women in my life became single mums before they were ready for it and they both struggled with it for a long time. I always see greater strength in single mums because they nearly always seem to suffer additional guilt because their child doesnt have their daddy right there (even when they had no real choice about it). Everyone needs some regular 'me' time and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Definately dont feel guilty about it and I would talk to your family and ask them to stop making you feel guilty about it too!

Lori - posted on 06/09/2009

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mine went thru terrible 3's not terrible two's, my 3 boys are 19, 17 and 15 and i thought it would be easier when they got in their teens. wrong!!! i stress over them constantley making the right decisions, friends, it will get easier it's tough when their toddlers.

Jessica - posted on 06/09/2009

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Ah.. I'm in that boat myself! My mom is not the Grandma who wants to keep the wild rugrat overnight. LOL. I can count on one hand in almost 5 years how many nights I've been away from him. :)

I'm sure you can think of SOMETHING that you enjoyed before she came along. Even if it was getting excited to go get your hair highlighted or trimmed. Just that hour of alone time, without having to use "mommy brain" mode helps SOOOO much.

TRUST ME. LOL!!

Your not alone. I'm sure there are more young, single moms out there who have felt this way at least for a moment in their busy, hectic every day life! I know I have!!

Jamie - posted on 06/09/2009

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Thank you so much Jessica i feel better knowing im completely normal for thinking this now. :) I honestly cant remember what i liked before i had her its like my whole past has been erased and replaced with mummy brain.I really enjoy those moments alone to do something for myself although they are very rare these days, my family likes to make me feel guilty for taking a day off to have to myself.Although i have arranged with my mum to have saturday night off so im going to do what ever i want and enjoy myself without caring what they will say or think.

Jessica - posted on 06/09/2009

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I had my son at 19 [& was preggers at 18]. So, we're right there in the same boat. I was a single mom until my son turned 3. It is hard. No joke. Two and three are really hard ages too.. they need a lot more [because they can ASK for a lot more] and they're into things still, and well... they're just all over the place! LOL



I too wondered why I had a child [I was in college, unmarried, etc.] and I actually never wanted children. I wouldn't change it for the world now. It's perfectly reasonable to have those thoughts, as long as you remember.. that beautiful little girl needs you.



Sometimes you just need to take some time for yourself. Maybe get your mom or best [trust-worthy] friend to keep your little girl for the night and go out to a movie, or just go run and get your nails done. Something little that you liked doing BEFORE you had children. It'll lift your spirits amazingly.



If you ever want to talk, message me. I'm always looking for new friends. :)

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