Am I terrible for disliking my step children?

Bianca - posted on 10/01/2009 ( 98 moms have responded )

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Okay so I have been with my man for just about 3 years. His kids were 8 & 9 when I met him and it's been a tough road with them to this day. He is one of those parents who is guilty about not having them full time so let's them get away with so much and I cannot stand that. They are now 11 & 12 and we still have the same problems. They can not do anything when they are here. They need to be urged to do anything around here....pick up after themselves, or brush their teeth, taking a shower even, putting things back where they belong.

I have a 3 year old and when they are here they take over her TV in her room to play the WII which doesn't bother me but they keep all her stuff disconnected and don't put the WII stuff back where I had it. They don't pick up their covers. They complain about helping to pick up cause "it isn't thier stuff" WTF ?? Am I just a bitch?

My bf thinks I just pick on his kids but the truth is I don't !! I Just get really sick and tired of having to tell them the same things every time they are here! and I don't feel that they should be babied or treated like my 3 year old. They are too old for goodness sake!!

I say they are guests in our home and should treat it as such. but he says this is thier home too.....Okay well either way it goes if It is thier home then why do they complain about picking up things that aren't "thiers"....if it's everyone's home then it's everyones stuff and they should contribute just as much as the rest of our family!! right or wrong?

It has come to the point where I am in a bad mood beofre they even get here just knowing what my weekend has to offer.

It has also come to the point to where my bf wants to leave me because he said if something 'god forbid' ever happened to his baby's mom and his kids had to live with him that I would be OK with it but i told him i wouldn't be ok that i would prob end up leaving if that ever happened. truth is I have told him that from DAY 1 ! I told him if his kids lived with him when I met him that i was not interested. Told him that if I had met him and he had full custody of his kids that I would not be with him still. I just can't handle it. I was a 22 year old new mother of a 5 month old that wasn't planned in my life when I met him and was not ready to take on 2 older kids as my own also. I'm still not prepared to take that on. I am happy with them coming only every other weekend but sometimes he wants them to stay extra days and I get angry...cause I am a stay at home mom and He works....so when they stay another day I AM THE ONE DEALING with everything with them not him and i'm just like why have them stay over another day when he won't see them at all when they can go home to THEIR MOM !!



Please help me! It's getting pretty bad and I just need some advice. We are suppose to be moving on the 17th to a new place but he says if I can't say that I will honestly be OK with them having to live here "hypothetically one day if anything ever happend" then we cannot be together.

I dont' get it. Am I wrong?



Okay so i guess i need to clarify that My 3 year old is not his child. She was 5 months old when I met him. HE loves her as I would expect any man I'm involved in too....and i know i'm being a hipocrit but it's really really easy to love a baby then raise her....his kids were already thier own person when i Met him. He does try to punish for bad grades and stuff but then will give in halfway through the weekend and let them do whatever they are not suppose to be doing. I know I shouldn't be the one doing the disipling but what am i suppose to do if he's not doing it...it's MY HOUSE too and I should get a say. I shouldn't have to tip-toe around his kids when they are here. If i think they should do something I tell them....that's not picking on them !!!! If my 3 year old were their age it'd be the same! My 3 year old has some issues with listening but she is 3 and I try my hardest to fix and correct those issues and try to raise her to respect her elders and othe ppl.

His 11 year old son does horrible in school yet gets rewarded with playing WII or the ps3 or a new game or whatever. He gets in trouble at school all the time and i'm just like how do you reward that? His 12 year old daughter is really good in school and teachers love her but she just ignores me when I ask her to do anything or rolls her eyes or whatever and it doesn't help that her dad (my bf) won't even back me up!!

I don't HATE these kids, i'm just frustrated

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You poor thing. I really feel for you. You need to tell your boyfriend to get a grip on those kids or get out. You have to remember that you have a very impressionable 3 year old who is observing this behavior and the fact that they are allowed to behave that way with no consequences. It won't be long before she starts modeling that same behavior. Best of luck to you. Please don't be discouraged by all the negative statements from other posters. If they have never been in your situation they can't possibly understand what you are going through.

Ashlie - posted on 10/04/2009

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Ok Ok people are being a little harsh here. The bond between parent and stepchild is NOT the same as parent and child, and it never will be! You frustration is normal. I do agree that you may have bitten off a little more than you can chew. However, if you love your man and his kids, then you need to try to form a bond with them. Designate a family night for movies and games. Or, once a week, share a nice meal together at a kids choice resturaunt. I am more upset with the father. He needs to redirect those kids! He is the one who should be explaining to them that it is also your house and your rules. It sounds like they are spoiled brats, and I am sorry. ALL children need discipline and responsibility, and their father needs to deligate!

Tiffany - posted on 10/05/2009

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So why did you get with this guy in the beginning? You say you had a 5mos old baby (from someone else) and you were young. You may not have been emotionally ready to be in a relationship at all. The fact that you had restrictions on whether or not you would be with him from the beginning. (i.e. if he had his kids you wouldn't have been with him) says to me that you didn't realize what being with him really included. It did include those kids, they were already there before you showed up. Sounds more to me like he didn't do his homework. It should have been on the top of the list for him to make sure you knew about his situation and were on board from the start. If not, then he should have moved on already. Now things are complicated because the 3yr old is attached to him, even though he isn't the father, and the fact that he suffers guilt for what his kids are going through says he would suffer more guilt if he left that 3yr old. That could even be a large reason for him staying with you when you are so strongly against his children. But when being with a man with children, you can't just love the man and accept the children, you have to allow yourself to love the children too. And while the relationship is different than the one you have with your 3yr old, since you have been with her since day 1 and so has he...and she lives IN your home, you can still love his kids as a part of your family because they are part of your family. And for the record, if they did live with you it would be different because they would have only one set of rules to go by and you would be investing in them on a daily basis. It takes time to show them you care before they will feel comfortable to become attached to you, and that's with consistent positive investment into them...when you input negativity it takes longer. My husband had 3 children when we married who lived with their mom. I had jealousy issues, hated having to share him, share our finances, deal with the trips to see them, the disruption to our lives when they came to see us. But I invested in them being involved in things with them, having fun with them, taking care of them, and stepping aside for them at times when I sensed they needed something extra for him. I had him all the time, they only had him for short times during visits. And when there was conflict I took it to my husband first and we both sat down with the child and discussed it TOGETHER so they knew we were on the same page. Their behavior at this age is typical for pre-teens and would frustrate even the most veteran of parents. The difference is, sounds like you are using your "escape" card and parents don't have an "escape" card. If you are their parent you don't get to give up on them and walk away, you are in it for the long haul. And the fact that you relationship with their father is bf/gf doesn't say to them you are committed to their father and you will be there no matter what. You could walk away any time you like, so why should they count on you? Why should they invest in you? Especially if they feel you don't like them anyway? Plus, if their parents were married they obviously didn't stay together either so these kids have trust issues.

But I ramble, the reality is you said yourself you are still not ready to "take that on". Whether you realize it or not, you took that on the day you started a relationship with him. If that is not what you want, be a woman and walk away. Let him and his kids, find someone who is ready. And you can deal with the fall out your 3yr old will have because you got her attached to him and she will be losing the only father she knows. But that mistake is on both of you for not counting the cost before jumping into a relationship together...now there are more casualties.

BTW - all parents of divorce suffer guilt for what their children are having to suffer through. I would guess that almost all non-custodial parents allow their children to misbehave more than they did when they were in the home based on part guilt and percentage of time spent together. If they spend less time together, then they want to spend less time disciplining so that their entire visit isn't ruined. Plus, the kids will tend to act out more because THEY are going through trauma.

Shanon - posted on 10/04/2009

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It is hard to take on children that arent yours when they are disrespectful to you and nothing is done about it. I think you really need to sit down with the whole family and express your feelings and let them express theirs. Remember this is hard for them also which is why they are acting this way. Rules need to be set and both you and their father need to be on the same page with rules and consequences for the children when the dont follow them. You need to express how all this makes you feel and if he cant respect your feelings then maybe you should move on and find a man who will give you the respect you deserve. I feel your frustration I was put in a similar situation myself. It doesnt make you a bad person and screw these people who are so quick to say you are. They obviously have never been put in a situation like yours. You could also try counceling for you guys.Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to get to the bottom of things. If you didnt care about those children you wouldnt be making this post for help!

Laura - posted on 10/05/2009

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I don't think that you are terrible but maybe need to calm down a little a make a plan. Talk with your man and the kids about expectations for your family. You are all part of the same family now. Try not to look at it as his kids or your kids. They are kids who are in a difficult situation, at difficult ages and may welcome the structure. Set rules and follow them.. If they do not clean up the WII then they do not get to play with it. If they do not pick up their blankets they may be sleeping without them. Set the expectations and be consistent. Just try to imagine how difficult it must be for them to have to break their routine to go to dad's house when maybe they would rather be in their neighborhood with their friends. Try to be loving yet stern. Nip this in the bud now because it won't get any easier!!

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Bianca - posted on 10/06/2009

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Quoting Holly:



Quoting Shelia:

YOU are not terrible! I have the same problem with my step kids. I feel your pain. People who don't have step children, don't understand. It is very hard.






Yes, having step children is hard, but it is also something that you shouldn't b***h and complain about. You chose to get involved with someone with kids, so you deal with it (and yes, I do agree they need to follow the rules of the house and put their toys away) and you be the best step mom you can be. If that is not what you really want, then do not get involved with a man with children. If you really love your man, then you will love his children as well since they are a part of him and who he is.






My hubby had his daughter full time when we met (my daughter's birth mother left them about 7 months before I came into the picture) and I fully accepted her with him. He made it very clear that she was his number 1 priority and I respected him even more for that. Loving him meant loving both of them and I hadn't even thought about not accepting his daughter with him when we got together. She is a part of him (she is actually just like him) and he is still closer to her than he is to our 2 bio kids together - something I have no problem with as it has been clear since the beginning that it owuld be like that. I love my WHOLE family - unconditionally.






My major problem with the op is that she said "from Day 1..." She was saying that she never liked the kids and I really don't think she ever really gave them a chance. She said that she would have never even gotten together with her bf if he had the kids full time, which says to me that she was never going to accept them, even if they were perfect angels.







I also think she is holding double standards. Asking her bf to be "Daddy" to her daughter and refusing to accept his children. That is why I say they should just end the relationship. I don't think it's a healthy relationship for anyone. As soon as you start giving ultimatums, you know it's time to walk away.





okay let's make one thing clear. I've never asked him or needed him to be "daddy" to my daughter. Yes he plays an important father figure role, but she has a dad and he is very active in her life and she knows her daddy as daddy not my bf as daddy!!

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Quoting Ashlie:

The bond between parent and stepchild is NOT the same as parent and child, and it never will be!


excuse me?! are you saying that i can't have a strong bond with my oldest daughter just because i did not give birth to her? that is insulting to me and to my beautiful little girl! i have a MUCH STRONGER bond with my daughter than her birth mother does and i take offense that someone may suggest differently. this is a bond that is obviously not shared with the op and her stepchildren. I am not saying EVERY stepmother feels that bond, but I am saying there are a lot of us out here who do and to say something that audacious and demeaning is just rude.

Jodi - posted on 10/04/2009

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Quoting Shelia:

YOU are not terrible! I have the same problem with my step kids. I feel your pain. People who don't have step children, don't understand. It is very hard.



Sheila, A lot of us who have commented on this thread do have step-children, and we know how hard it is.  This situation, to me, indicates a lack of maturity on the part of BOTH of the adults, because being a step-parent cannot work unless the two adults involved can sit down and agree to how to work it.



My biggest issue, is as Holly pointed out, is with the fact that the OP would not be with her partner if he suddenly had the children full time.  Well, in any step-parenting relationship, this is always a remote possibility that you have to accept.  To say this from the very start indicates that she doesn't really want to deal with them.



FInally, if I could comment, these kids are 11 and 12.  The behaviour she has described is actually quite typical.  Frustrating, yes, but typical.  I have a 12 year old son and 10 year old step-son.  I also have to remind them of all the things she describes.  They also leave things lying around and I have to remind them to pick up.  They also complain about cleaning up stuff that "isn't theirs" (my standard response is "well I don't want to cook YOUR dinner, because its not MINE", that shuts them up).



To say that your step-children are "guests" in your home is atrocious.  These children are as much a part of the family as anyone else, and should be treated as such.  It is their home too. Her partner is absolutely in the right in this.  Yes, they should contribute, but they are 11 and 12!!  They will need reminding.



This is not about the children and the father, this is about the OP.  Lord help her when her own child is this age and she realises that she is nagging her own daughter about the same things!!! 

Cristy - posted on 10/04/2009

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I Know u have been with him a long time now..but it dosnt seem to me (from what all u have written ) that u have really opened up your hert to them and given them a chance. If you can not exept HIS children then you cant exept him either. His children are apart of him as yours is a aprt of u. If you want this relationship to work then come up with some compromises to how ALL the children should behave and the rules of the house..EVERYONE should follow those rules when there. You should all sit down as a FAMILY and discuss this ..make a list of house rules to follow so it is less stressful for all of u..........and by the way I am sure his kids feel the same as you do ...and its alot harder on them believe me. They feel u hate them no matter what so of course they will not listen to u....so start showing u care..give them some respect and u may find they will show u some too.

Teresa - posted on 10/04/2009

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Hi Bianca, first I would like to say that what you feel about your step-children is quite normal, there are times when we will not like our children or step children and thats ok , it does not mean that we dont care or have given up on them it just means that there behaviour makes it difficult to like them at times.You are quite right in that your bf will have a lot of guilt around the children in so much he feels the time that they spend with you should be ok for them and he does not want them to think bad about him as he already feels that about himself,having said that he is not doing the children any favours by not setting up boundaries to give them safety and rules when they are with you, they already know that they can push the boundaries when they are with you and as they come into adolscents this can only become a difficult issue to deal with as they fight for their independance in your home. This is not going to go away and you both as the adults have to make some serious decisions about how you are going to live together as a healthy functioning family. Firstly your bf has to recognise that he is damaging his relationship with his children by not being their father and allowing them to not take any responsibilty for their action in your home when they stay with you, aventualy they will come to resent him as young people rely on their parents to put rules in place to guide them. Secondly you both need to find the time to sit down and actually talk this through and look at where you are heading not just as a family but as a couple, if you both are walking on seperate roads you are going to end up in diffrent places wondering how you got there, sometimes you need to find someone to help you, a family counsellor might help, firstly talking to you all indivdually and understanding that you all are valued and have a voice is important , that the children too have a right to express their opinion without feeling angry or annoyed at the adults in their lives. If they do not want to go to a counsellor then I suggest you do to help you understand some of what is going on and to find different stratergies that will help you with your bf and his children, good luck and I wish you well

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Quoting Shelia:

YOU are not terrible! I have the same problem with my step kids. I feel your pain. People who don't have step children, don't understand. It is very hard.



Yes, having step children is hard, but it is also something that you shouldn't b***h and complain about. You chose to get involved with someone with kids, so you deal with it (and yes, I do agree they need to follow the rules of the house and put their toys away) and you be the best step mom you can be. If that is not what you really want, then do not get involved with a man with children. If you really love your man, then you will love his children as well since they are a part of him and who he is.



My hubby had his daughter full time when we met (my daughter's birth mother left them about 7 months before I came into the picture) and I fully accepted her with him. He made it very clear that she was his number 1 priority and I respected him even more for that. Loving him meant loving both of them and I hadn't even thought about not accepting his daughter with him when we got together. She is a part of him (she is actually just like him) and he is still closer to her than he is to our 2 bio kids together - something I have no problem with as it has been clear since the beginning that it owuld be like that. I love my WHOLE family - unconditionally.



My major problem with the op is that she said "from Day 1..." She was saying that she never liked the kids and I really don't think she ever really gave them a chance. She said that she would have never even gotten together with her bf if he had the kids full time, which says to me that she was never going to accept them, even if they were perfect angels.




I also think she is holding double standards. Asking her bf to be "Daddy" to her daughter and refusing to accept his children. That is why I say they should just end the relationship. I don't think it's a healthy relationship for anyone. As soon as you start giving ultimatums, you know it's time to walk away.

Katrina - posted on 10/04/2009

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You are not wrong by no means what so ever.. A blended family is hard but possible I have been married now for 7 years and, in the beginning my step-daughter was only with us for the summers and then she came to live with us full time. I have my girls and he had his but together we have ours and that is how it is now. I feel your frustration even now there are days when I get looks like you are not my mom or I don't have to listen to you. My husband and I have just set all the girls down and told all of the girls that we are a family and we treat each other with respect. It will take time I promise it will get better and you will grow as one just hang in there. You are not a terrible person for feeling that way. Keep your head up!

Shelia - posted on 10/03/2009

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YOU are not terrible! I have the same problem with my step kids. I feel your pain. People who don't have step children, don't understand. It is very hard.

Janaya - posted on 10/03/2009

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I don't think your horrible or a bitch ! It's not easy to be on the same level as your partner when it comes to disciplining children that aren't yours ! I had a few problems with my partner and my son ! I agree with you that the younger they are the easier it is but if it's really bothering you then you need to siut down with your partner and talk about the things that consern you ! And it might be a good idea to see if he has any problems with any thing you do too ! So then you can work out a way to work together instead of battling with each other ! It is your house to and at that age they should know to respect adults and your partner defenatly needs to come through and support you on the choices you make to deal wth the childrens behavour ! Your in a realationship and parenting is a 50-50 job ! If he doesn't agree with you on any of your points then I wouldn't continue in the relationship ! You need to be happy to make your children happy and when it comes down to it children do come first ! So I think the first step for you is to sit down with your partner to see where you both stand ! Parents that don't see eye to eye don't work ! So good luck girl xoxo

Nicole - posted on 10/03/2009

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You need to GET OUT! Those kids, including your own deserve far more! If you don't want his kids, you don't want him. I am a stepmother to 3 for 9 years. IT is a VERY tough road to travel and you have to want it, to make it work. Even in the BEST of times, it is very difficult. My husband and I have 2 children together as well.

You're complaining about "his" kids not "doing their part". I have the same problem here. Remember, they are 8 and 10?? You will see.... your own will give you a run for your $$$ as well. Do the kids do what they are supposed to for their teachers? You can influence and have Expectations in your home too. Look at yourself and how you ask/remind them to do things? IS it the same way you would with your own? If not, YOU don't belong in their life.

I think you are very selfish and immature and have no desire to even stand his kids, which is a form of mental abuse. GET OUT, for everyone's sake. I am not sorry if I sound like a bitch... point blank, those KIDS are what comes FIRST honey, they were a part of "his package" and you knew it going into it. How would you feel, if your father abandoned you for some woman who was "sick" at the thought of you coming over??? Put the shoe on the other foot.

Sarah - posted on 10/03/2009

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to be honest i don't really know what to say properly .. but what do know is that you're not a terrible person. i know their not your children but its your house and you should have a say .. they should treat your house with respect .. their older enough to know better!! okay im sorry if i sound like a bitch to some people but just because your man has kids of his own doesn't mean you have to love them or even like them for that matter .. they could be the worst kids in the world i couldn't really love a child like that sorry.but your best off at least trying to be civil with them.

my mums ex had 4 children of his own and i absolutely loathed them .. okay they were only young 3-10 but they were the buiggest brats i had ever met in my life .. i never wanted kids if they were anything like that .. i suppose i was 16 back then.

i think you should try and sit down with your boyfriend and talk it over .. because you deserve some respect in your own house sweetness.

im sorry if i come across as a bitch to anyone but thats just my personal opinion.

Billie-Ann - posted on 10/03/2009

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I asked my husband today his thoughts on step-kids and he told me that if he had step kids and came to his house at all they would follow his rules. Short sweet to the point, my house=my rules. I feel the same way... but this is where you and your man need to be in agreement. You both need to decide on rules for the house for all the kids. Yours and his. They should be followed at all times, by all the kids. Regardless if you love them, you should remember they are kids. They are going to be hyper and playful... But they should also respect you. This needs to be taught by their father. He should be man enough to discipline them when they are being bad and teach them to respect you. If he can't do that then he is a sorry a$$ man.

Teresa - posted on 10/03/2009

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for got to mention after all this his daughter each have 3 kids, and he does not visit them, so I din`t`t just hurt them I also hurt the grandkids by being so selfish

Teresa - posted on 10/03/2009

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I actually don`t think your a bad person, I dint `t like my husband 2 daughters neither. I guess I was too selfish, after 30 years of being married to their dad, there are times wish I would have gave them a chance to be part of our family, I have 2 boys and 1 daughter ages 27 28 29 years. the girls are 41 and 42 now , but his daughter never excepted their father being with me. that`s why I made it hard for them, in in thee other hand i actually made it hard for the kids to grow up as brother and sisters, because if my selfishness, I will admit to this day I was affair of letting them in their dad lives because i was just a selfish jealous, of their relationship my step daughters had with their dad., my point is that you need to just be easy on them because they feel threaten by you as you by them. give them time i am sure they would feel ore comfortable if you treat them like you treat you own,,I wish I would have done the same but now that I am older I see how selfish I really truly was, and let me tell you somethig I actually do really cry for all the pain I have caused everyone to this day. So in your heart, share your love with both your and his kids its all in a package, i wish i can tell you more but it will take 4 ever smile bless you,P.S trust me if you cant handle those kids get out of the relatlionship for the best of everyone

Christel - posted on 10/03/2009

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You are not bad to dislike them. When I was reading this I was thinking you seem too have the parenting going on when it should be your husbands jodb to tell them what is expected in house when they come over if they can not follow the rules then they will not be able to play and watch t.v. The other thing I notice while reading your post your 3 year old is not there age group yet. they are not on the same level So you feel like your little one is getting pushed around same as you. Its just going to get harder when the time goes on because the dad did not put the control on his childern Its not your job to do it just except them. I hope everything works out!

Liz - posted on 10/03/2009

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First, do you have a relationship with their mother? If so, ask what her rules are at home. I'm sure at this point she hates the way they act after being spoiled all weekend at dads. Then you have to approach the kids with a conversation starting with, guys I want to make sure you know that I care about you. This is your home and you will always be welcome here. I say this because as a child of divorce I always fealt like my stepmother hated us. And we fealt like we were guests and not as good as the kids that lived with dad. We fealt like dad had replaced mom with another woman and was trying to replace us with other kids. It wasn't the case, but sure fealt like it as kids. So, part of them being so hard on you is more likely because they want things back the way they were and don't feel secure. Make them feel like part of the family but also let them know that in accepting that, they are accepting the rules of the house. You might even let them have part in "negotiating" the rules. Soon they will be teens and if you don't come together now, you are in for a rough ride. You might even do a reward system, they do what they are asked and on Sunday you all do something as a family even if its just going out for burgers and window shopping. Good luck. I hope that if this man is worth it you try everything before leaving. And hate to say it, but you knew he came as a package deal.

Heather - posted on 10/03/2009

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Kids are kids weather they are yours or his. You expect him to love your child you should love his there is no double standard!!! I understand your frustration with them not listening. If that is your hang up than sit down with bf and make a house hold rules chart. If it is not followed than you have consiquences like no video games, or what ever they are really into. If they are in your house they must listen to you or there will be consiquences. You also have to realize what they are going threw with their dad not with their mom and who is this women trying to boss me arround! I would have hated that. You have to know that while they need to respect you, you must in return respect them. Respect is earned not given and it works both ways.

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i agree that they should do their share when there, but I've been an unwanted stepchild and it's NOT fun. If you can't love them as your own and don't like them even a little bit than it's time to go.

Betty - posted on 10/03/2009

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Even when my step daughter is being a little brat and not listening I still love her and want to be around her. It's called unconditional love and if you can't foster that than you need to be the bigger person here and realize that it's time to walk away.

Betty - posted on 10/03/2009

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It makes me sick to hear you go on and on like this about these kids. Why should they listen to you if you don't even love them enough to actually WANT to have them full time? He should leave you. What are you doing getting your daughter attached to this man if you knew from the start you wanted nothing to do with his own children? Shame on you! I feel sorry for this man and I feel sorry for your daughter.

Michelle - posted on 10/02/2009

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i know how u feel !!! i have a stepdaughte too ! but ur right in everything u said !! if ur child wouldnt be able to do it neither should they !!! talk to him for reals if not its gonna be a forever problem !!! cause me and my husband had that problem but a lil different good luck stand ur grounds u r the queen of the castle ....

Leslie - posted on 10/02/2009

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yes you are wrong. The person you should be mad at is your boyfriend. it is his job as a parent to guide and instruct his children so that they learn right from wrong, and grow to become mature, responsible adults. I understand why this is so frustrating for you; I have 6 kids, 3 from my 1st marriage,2 step and one with my 2nd husband. we have all 6 full time. but I have had and to some extent still have these same problems. This problem is his and if he cannot control his children and make them obey the rules then you need to leave him. this will eventually be a problem for your daugther. You don't want that. Remember though the kids are just doing what he allows them to. If he cannot respect you, then his children never will. You have to decide what is best for you and your child. But do not blame the children, blame the dad.

Amy - posted on 10/02/2009

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Merging families is never easy but you two need to sit down and talk about it. You need to keep in mind that all the love and over protectiveness you feel toward your daughter, he feels that to those children cause they are his babies and he wants to have them in his life. You can feel frustrated it is a natural emotion, ask him to sit down and set some ground rules with you that are for both your daughter and his children. Your daughter needs her own room and they need theirs and make it their domain they don't have to share. The children need to respect you and you need to respect them. How would you feel if your daughter was going to her dads and had these problems where she wasn't really wanted to be there. You are the ADULT and he is your PARTNER. They are children they didn't ask for this but you as a partnership need to sit down and talk this out or you really do need to break up. As a parent you always put your children first and I personally would respect him for that.

Amanda - posted on 10/02/2009

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I don't think some people think before they speak, especially when a person is hurting and is asking for advice. I do not understand your situation fully, as I have not had to deal with the same things, but you did know what you were getting in to before you came into the relationship and if you love your boyfriend and expect certain things from him, then he more than likely expects them back.

You need to sit down with your bf and have a long talk because they should not be acting that way towards you, especially if you are one day going to play the role of step mom. You need to tell him how this is making you feel but NEVER take the fustration out on the children, they aren't in the wrong, their father is. And yes, they are old enough to know better... but they are also old enough to know what they want and from what I see, they don't want you to take their moms place! Don't let this get to you, it happens... but if you honestly don't want to step up, then I say GET OUT! After all, he should take the responsibilty as dad and play his role, but don't let him get away without parenting his children.

I say, just talk to him, and tell him your feelings. If he loves you then he will have a talk with his children about respect, because you deserve at least that! But don't point fingers at his children and not at yours... because three year olds should know respect and how to clean after themselves as well.

Just talk to him, he deserves to know why you don't want the kids around.. and maybe if he steps up, you'll feel more comfortable stepping up as well. I wish you all the luck in the world! And you aren't being selfish, as long as you do the things you know to be right. And hiding your feelings is never a good thing!!!

If you need someone to talk to, I am here. (:

Deborah - posted on 10/02/2009

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Sounds like a few rules should have been made from the start. You knew what you were getting into,

Kathy - posted on 10/02/2009

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i think it is mean cause when u are with some u have to take the whole package.. u need to sit down with ur step child and the father and have a huge talk. trust me it works..do alot with them and maybe they will change if u show them affection. (love)

Deb - posted on 10/02/2009

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You need to think about rephrasing your statement. You don't dislike the stepkids, you dislike their behavior. Unfortunately, until your man steps up to the plate and loses his guilt, the kids will continue to take advantage of having at least three parents with no continuity regarding rules. You need not only a sit-down talk with your man, but a written out game plan including rules and consequences (good and bad) for meeting or not meeting expectations.Good luck.

Debra - posted on 10/02/2009

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I and my husband are stepparents. It can be really hard at time. We have been together for 10 years. Your husband and you need to sit down and have a nice talk. No accusing each other of anything. This makes matters alot worse. Just say we need to make a chore list for the kids and they can earn stickers for doing that chore, cleaning up after themselves or just being good for the day. Than when they get so many stickers they get a reward. Like just me and Daddy time or what ever you wish. Just remember be open, honest, don't yell(even though you want to), and most important don't accuse. Some day the kids will come around. Mine love their step dad more than their real dad and we are strict. Good Luck, and keep your head up

Julie - posted on 10/02/2009

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I am the mother of eight children. I had three children from a 16 year marriage and then shortly after my divorce I met the man of my dreams. We moved into gether and within a few months the mother of his children let horrible things happen to them and they were taken away. He had three children with her but there was 5 children being taken away. I allowed them all to come to my home and 8 years later I still have them. The youngest whom isn't my husbands child was two then and still in diapers. If I could tell you in just a few words i'd say your bf kids are saints from what i've experienced and you should learn to love them and guide them to fit into your home. Don't allow anyone to come between you and yr bf. Children grow up and move out...where will the two of you be then? Hopefully together for your daughter sake. I love these 5 children like I gave birth to them now. I would kill or be killed for them. Open your heart and your mind. Every child will test your limits and find out if you really do care. They are eventually gonna be your step children (right)? Your daughter needs to know her siblings as well and they all should be treated equal and all feel welcomed. I know it is a hard road. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. It is all worth it in the end. You will also take part in shaping who they will be someday even if they have their bio mom. Take it in and grow with them.

Nat - posted on 10/02/2009

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no your not terrible at all and dont listen to any1 that thinks you are ., you just need to let them no who is boss and make them learn to understand and do as they are told to help make a happier household . You all need to sit down and have a chat , hopefully things will get better !!! i really do know what you are going through !!

Erin - posted on 10/01/2009

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Quoting Mildred:

Exactly Erin. They didn't bother to sugarcoat their absolute dislike and disdain for these CHILDREN, so they shouldn't expect anyone to sugarcoat their absolute disdain and dislike for the type of ADULTS they are.

I wonder if when they do these studies on children growing up without fathers in their lives, if they account for women like this. The ones who basically say "Its me or YOUR kids" Yet these SAME women (And I use the term loosely) want that same man who should be an absentee father to his biological children to be daddy dearest to their child. Its pathetic.

People here have also convieniently overlooked a key statement the original poster made. Let me refresh your memories she said:

" if something 'god forbid' ever happened to his baby's mom and his kids had to live with him that i wouldn't be ok that i would prob end up leaving if that ever happened. truth is I have told him that from DAY 1 !"

She told this man in her own words "From Day 1", which is before she ever got to see what is NORMAL for kids of that age range, that if he stepped up to be a full time dad, she would leave.

From Day 1, before she ever even knew the kids.

That just makes ANY behavior outside of perfect that his kids have will automatically be seen as frustrating and laborious for her because the bar is already so low for any tolerance of them.


Totally agree Mildred...

[deleted account]

They're a package deal. If you can't imagine them having to live with you one day, then you need to move on. How would you feel if a man acted that way about your child-basically telling you to choose between her and him? You'd choose her, right? You can expect him to do the same if he is a good dad-which he sounds like he is trying to be.



I can understand that you are frustrated by some things-that's natural in this type of situation. But if you guys can't get past that and learn to love and respect one another then you need to be the bigger person and walk away before you hurt yourself, your boyfriend, and the 3 children involved in the situation.

Jodi - posted on 10/01/2009

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Never, ever ask your partner to choose between you and the kids. Any DECENT man will choose his kids. If he decides not to, is this really the person you want as the father for your children?



I have 2 step-children, and also one of my own from a previous relationship. I would never ask my husband to choose between us, and he would never ask me to choose either. We both know that we are parents and have a responsibility to our children, regardless of our own interests. Parenting is a job which should be unconditional and unselfish and often requires sacrifices we don't always like. But our own best interests can't come before the best interests of our children.



It sounds to me that you and your partner need to sit down and talk about this in a mature way, with a view to coming to a resolution you can both live with, or you need to just call it quits now. Step-parenting gets easier if you maintain the communication with your partner and make a positive effort with the kids, but with the sort of resentment you have, it will get more difficult for you as the kids get older. You evidently have a resentment towards them, and kids are amazingly perceptive.......

Carol - posted on 10/01/2009

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Kids that come from a split family have it really hard...going back and forth and never feeling like they really have a home...you and your boyfriend have a home that is always there and you are in the same bed every night....these children feel that they are guest where ever they are...how would that make you feel...there are too many kids that are being raised this way...and I am telling you that they can feel that you dont like them...maybe you could put yourself in their shoes just for a while, think about something special that each one of them likes to do. I bet if you try first with a little kindness, that you will be able to in a short time see them also trying with you...It has worked for many step parents...good luck carol

Melissa - posted on 10/01/2009

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Maybe you shouldn't word it like that. I think the only reason you are getting negative replies is because of how you started this out saying you don't like them. It's understandable that you are having a hard time, they sound extremely spoiled and in serious need of discipline and respect. You being... what 13 years older than them... it's going to be hard for them to see you as a disciplinarian. You seriously need to talk to your husband (first) and to these kids.

[deleted account]

If you hate his kids so much than how the heck can you love him? Honestly, if you can't accept his kids, then you can't fully accept him. I married my hubby AND his daughter (who we have full time) and she is MINE because she is HIS. That is the way it is and they way it should be. I think you should both get out of the toxic situation you have put yuourselves in and find people who can accept each of you for who you are and the kids you have.

Mildred - posted on 10/01/2009

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Exactly Erin. They didn't bother to sugarcoat their absolute dislike and disdain for these CHILDREN, so they shouldn't expect anyone to sugarcoat their absolute disdain and dislike for the type of ADULTS they are.



I wonder if when they do these studies on children growing up without fathers in their lives, if they account for women like this. The ones who basically say "Its me or YOUR kids" Yet these SAME women (And I use the term loosely) want that same man who should be an absentee father to his biological children to be daddy dearest to their child. Its pathetic.



People here have also convieniently overlooked a key statement the original poster made. Let me refresh your memories she said:



" if something 'god forbid' ever happened to his baby's mom and his kids had to live with him that i wouldn't be ok that i would prob end up leaving if that ever happened. truth is I have told him that from DAY 1 !"



She told this man in her own words "From Day 1", which is before she ever got to see what is NORMAL for kids of that age range, that if he stepped up to be a full time dad, she would leave.



From Day 1, before she ever even knew the kids.



That just makes ANY behavior outside of perfect that his kids have will automatically be seen as frustrating and laborious for her because the bar is already so low for any tolerance of them.

Erin - posted on 10/01/2009

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Quoting Kirsten:

As for all the negative comments. C'mon we should all be supportive. Bianca is being honest and if we are all truthful, we dont all like our kids ALL of the time and we dont have to. I know I have certainly not liked my kids behaviour and attitude ometimes, but I still love them. emember the old adage, if you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all!!! Stop the nasty comments please.


In a normal situation I would agree with you, but in this case the OP ASKED for judgement...



Asking questions like "Am I just a bitch?" or "Am I wrong?" is asking for opinion, and not everyone's opinion is going to be nice.

[deleted account]

I don't think you're terrible, but you do need to understand that while you may not love them, he does. Just as you love your little girl and would expect the father to choose a good step-mom for her, if God forbid, anything were to ever happen to you, he wants the same for his kids. This is a very common problem and is easily solved. Let him be their dad and you just be you. In a few more years you won't have to worry about it as they will be grown and gone and will only visit on occassion. They will respect you more for staying out of their way than getting all tangled up in the big mess of things. I agree that children shouldn't be rewarded for their "bad" behavior, but he only gets them every other weekend. Let their natural parents make the big decisions for them and you just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Kelsey - posted on 10/01/2009

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I come from a divorced family and my father had custody and I was about the same age as your step children when he seriously began dating again. It was hard on both my brother and I. My father dated this chick named Cheryl, and she never stated to our faces that she disliked us, but we could tell. At ages 11 and 12 they're not stupid, believe it or not they can tell you don't like them, and if you knew some didn't like you would you really wanna do something they told you to do? I know its a hard situation and I am not saying you're terrible because truth is YOU'RE NOT!!! Having to deal with disrespect from children is hard. I know my brother and I put Cheryl thru HELL!!!! I'm not proud of it, but she didn't like us, she thought we were spoiled brats. And I'm sure we were...but our situation was our mom left us. Long story short, my father did stay with Cheryl for almost 5 years, but realized she wasn't happy and we weren't happy and had to end it. Then he met my step mother and she is the most wonderful person in the world to this day I call her my mother. Being a step parent is difficult, but if you want to spend your life with this man then something has to change. First, I believe you should sit down and talk to your significant other and tell him how you feel. You should both have a chance to say everything that you feel without the other person interupting. Then come down to an agreement between the both of you: You don't believe he diciplines the children enough and dicipline is one of the MOST important things children need. They NEED dicipline and boundaries. And you and your s.o. need to set those boundaries together. Then once you and your s.o. have come to an agreement. Sit down with the children and explain what you have come up with. One of the hardest things about diciplining children you don't have full time is following thru with the treats you make if they make bad grades or get in trouble or disrespect either one of you, you have to to stick to your words. You can't ground them from the computer (or w/e) and then 5 hours later let them get on the computer. They will know that they can push you over to get their way. It's going to be hard!! It's going to be much harder at the beginning, but after a while they will realize YOU are the adult and YOU and your s.o. mean what they say when they say it and there will be a punishment for their bad actions. But in the same respect when they do listen and do what they're told, they should be rewarded. I'm not saying go out and buy a new video game, but maybe some small reward. With the child that isn't doing so hot in school, set goals. when i wasn't doing hot in school my parents told me for every A i made i would get 10 dollars and every B i'd get 5 dollars. The rewards dont have to be money, but hey what kid doesn't like money haha :-) It worked for me. I am a kidergarden teacher and I have to constantly set boundaries with children who obviously don't have any at home, and at that age it doesn't take very long, unfortunately, when they're older and used to not having boundaries, it will take longer.



If on the other hand you don't kno if you want to stay in this relationship because of the kiddos, I don't believe that is selfish or immature, I believe it is actually very mature to admit your faults, and with your daughter, it will only hurt worse later on. I wish you all the best of luck in any choice you make. But, just make sure that you are not sub-consciously sending a negative vibe, because they can read that. I know it is frustrating and irritating and down right annoying, but you do have to be the adult in the situation. If they don't listen to you, don't yell at them, its not going to help. They probably also having a prob listening to you bc "you're not my mother" haha "i don't have to listen to you" At that point if it is something that can wait until your s.o. can take care of it let him, if he chooses not to listen to you then maybe ya'll aren't meant to be. You need to be with someone who sees things the same way you do and if he's not supporting you, then it's really hard to have any say in anything. And if he isn't supporting your veiws on them picking their stuff up they see that then that sends the message that they don't have to listen to what you say. but anywhoo send me a message if you ever need to talk. Again, good luck.



"everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end" a quote i live by :)

[deleted account]

I can understand what you say to a certain extend. If they are disrespectful and rude then that would be hard, and I would recomend that all of you (you BF, you daughter, your step-kids, and you) sit down and make up house rules you can all live by, so you are all on the same page, and make it clear what will happen if they break the rules. They are not guests, they are family, that is their home.I think it is a lack of respect on all sides, you don't seem to have any respect for them so why would they respect you? They are children, you are not, it doesn't matter that they are older then your daughter, they are still children. I find it a bit rich that you expect your BF to love and respect yor daughter, but you won't make the same effort for his kids, I don't care how old they were when you met that is just wrong. If it had been me and you said "I told him if his kids lived with him when I met him that i was not interested" that to me I would have told you go jump. You need to make more of an effort to get to know his kids, and find something to love about them. If you can't there is no future in your relstionship. Your BF is being resonable when he says that you'll have to accept them. If I were you I'd be thankful that he is not the kind of man to abandon them, instead of have a wine about it. I think you need to get over yourself, and realise that even if they are monsters they are loveable, and probably good kids if you give them some respect!

Connie - posted on 10/01/2009

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I understand the issues of step children. I love his daughter but we could never live in the same house. You need to speak with him about the issues you have with his children. He will need to be the sole disciplinarian. Their respect level for you will drop the more you try to discipline them. Also, try to get the out of the house more. They can not mess the house up if they are not in it. Let you bf know that if he wants to keep them for extra days he will need to make arrangements to be home with them. You may also ask you bf to let the children know that you are not going to replace their mother, but you do deserve respect. House rules need to be set and followed by all to make things fair. I truly understand! I have been there myself.

Hailey - posted on 10/01/2009

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i dot think your horrible i just think you need to try and understand them , it is hard knowing your parents arent together no matter how long they have been apart . do you and your bf have a room that is just for them if so ask him to get them a tv just for them to use and make it known that its theirs dont lift a finger in that room and let your partner know that, you can always keep the door shut while they r not there . as for hypothetically taking them in if anything should happen to their mother if you are not prepared to do this then you should leave , you knew he had children and in the back of your head would know that this is a possibility , he has taken your daughter in as his own and i think it is only fair that you do the same i know step children can be a pain in the arse i used to be one but it will hopefully get better as more years go by , i know you probably think they dont deserve it but try doin fun things with them to try and get them to come around it may help with the fact that you are stressed b4 they get there

Anna - posted on 10/01/2009

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No your not. The time has come for your husband to get the message and make his children help and respect you and your home. He should stand behind you by making these kids help doesn't matter if he has for a weekend or all the time. Hem is teaching the disrespect for him, you, the baby and everything and everyone. You need to make him take control or tell him you will. I had the same problem with my step children. Good luck and God's blessings.

Erin - posted on 10/01/2009

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Quoting Nilda:

And here i thought i was the only one. Ive been with him for 5 yrs now and all hes gone through with his son's mom is drama. When we met i wasnt even being serious with him because he had a kid and i never wated to date anyone with kids. i cheated so many times during this relationship that i dont know why i stood. hes great dad and bf to me that i guess he grew on me. when we got prego i was thrilled because hes the kind of man that i would want to be my kids father, ut i still didnt accept his son much. I mean he does the same thing. when this trick calls ands like oh can u take him for this and that im like ugh!!! because its like damn wtf we have a life too and a baby now so it sucks. he loves his lil bro sooo much though thats why i hold on but his attitude is crazy like hes like oh i dont have to listen to you ur not my dad and im like ur right im not shit im glad im not, and my hubby is like oh hes only 6 he doesnt know what hes saying but when u make a joke abt him or say something mean he understands that and cries but hes not gonna understand what he saying thats b.s!!! we get him everyother weekend as well and maybe some important holidays but it sucks. to top it of hes paying $200 a month for a private school just because she cant have her son in public school hes too good for that but im not working right now either and i understand he still has to support him but i feel like hes not thinking abt me and jr you know. we arge everyday abt this and he says the same thing like oh if you cant get over it then bye but its like so i have to ruin my sons life just because of his kid? like im not gonna make him happy. he says he feels guilty for not beign in his life and making her suffer so im like go back to her wtf!!! like i dont care what you went through or what he went through its not my situation not my child i try to accept him as my own but he pulls away and says off the wall things that agravate me so i just ignore it. i think my situation is worse than yours. i just dont know what to do anymore. imean i love him but i just cant love his son the same way.


Charming....

Erin - posted on 10/01/2009

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Wow.. I'm glad you're not my daughter's step-mother or we would have some major issues.

Sorry, but you are incredibly selfish and completely in the wrong. How dare you get angry with your partner for wanting to spend more time with his children!! He is taking on the care of YOUR child full-time, and yet you won't give him the courtesy of respecting and encouraging his relationship with his children. If he loves his children as much as he seems to, he SHOULD leave you. How can you, a MOTHER, say that if these children lost their own mother that you wouldn't want them to live with their remaining parent? My God...

Jocelyn - posted on 10/01/2009

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Speaking as someone who lived with "step sisters and brothers" for a while and knowing how when they were in their fathers home they got away with everything I would have to say that this problem is not going away easily. He feels bad because they are not your typical family. He's always gonna feel bad and guess what, the kids know this and since they got the shit end of the stick family wise they are going to take advantage of this. Your the other woman who "doesn't like them" THEY KNOW THIS ABOUT YOU!!!! Being pre teens they also most likely don't like you and that's why they do what pushes your buttons.
What you need to do is set some rules. Put the Wii where everyone can play it. My guess is a three year old doesn't play it all the time and they should share it. You also need to try to be nicer to them.
The real problem is that you don't sound like you WANT to try. If something happens to their mother your gonna split?!?!? WRONG. Someone else said it right. Just like your child is apart of you, his is apart of him and loving him means loving his kids point blank and that's it. If you can't do that then it's not fair to this man. How do you think it must make him feel knowing that this person he is sharing his life with doesn't like his kids. Put the shoe on the other foot and really try to see it from that families point of view. In their eyes your the wrong one. Yes they are wrong for pushing your buttons but they are kids and you are the adult. You need to be the good example to them.
I don't want to sound mean but I was those kids once. I know what they feel like and I also know that the situation ended badly. In the end we moved out, my mother was alone again and we were so happy to away from that mean ass freak who treated us like shit.

TaKeysha - posted on 10/01/2009

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I was also in a similar situation as yours. My son was 3 years old when I met my current boyfriend and his daughters were 11 and 12. It was difficult at first dealing with children that did not like me (due to the influence of their mother), and at times I felt like leaving because of this. I showed them that I was not trying to replace their mother, but will love them and treat them as my own. I also did not talk bad about their mother around them, no matter what may have happened. In addition to that I showed respect to them as individuals and expected the same in return. When they do things like not pick up after themelves or talk back to me, I go to their father and allow him to address the issue. Even though their mom may disagree with the situation, he backs me up 100% and does not allow her nor any of the chiIdren to influcence our relationshp. It is NOT my job to discipline these children, as it is not his to dicipline mine. Even now, they are 16 and 17 and still do not like me. They do respect me and that is all that matters.

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