am i wrong?

Kate CP - posted on 12/07/2009

Thank you ladies for your help and comments!

Jacquelyn - posted on 12/07/2009

I think you are NOT wrong at all. I made the mistake of keeping my son's father in the picture and he has done no changes at all. Custody battle was horrible and he hasn't paid more then 15 dollars worth of child support and my son is turning 3 tomorrow! he also asked to claim my son for tax return. yeah, so think of your child first. if u think its best to cut the father out of the picture, do it. it's your choice. you are the primary parent. you have already been caring for the unborn child on your own now, how do u think it will be when the baby IS born? trust me, i've been down that road and i wish i could have taken his name off the birth certificate.

Ann - posted on 12/07/2009

Stay away he needs help do'nt let him bring you and your son down. If he wants to see the baby after he is born take it to family court. No child should see his parents fight. I would not want to be around anyone high he needs help which does not mean you need to help him he needs to fall all by himself..

Sherri - posted on 12/07/2009

If he hasn't supported you so far what would make you think he would support you after the baby is born....get away from this guy, don't put him on the birth certificate, move, change your address and have nothing to do with anyone he knows....thats the only way you and the baby will be safe and happy......"scary" will eventually lead to "prision".

Wendy - posted on 12/07/2009

You are not wrong. You need to do what is best for you and your son, and it sounds like this man is not what is best. Use your support network to help you raise your child, it's amazing how much help friends and family can be if you ask them for assistance.

Cecily - posted on 12/07/2009

i think your doing the right thing, why would you want your son to grow up around something like that. you just have to think about that baby. even if he grows up with no father. but one day you will find that someone who cares about you and would want to play the father roll of your son.

Crystal - posted on 12/07/2009

Anyone can be a "father" but it takes a special man to be a "daddy"..do what you feel is necessary..but protect yourself legally too so that he cant come back and cause you more trouble..I recommend not putting him on the birth papers and consider a restraining order as well if you are truly scard of him. Good luck dear and be safe.

Beverly - posted on 12/07/2009

You already know the answer to your question. I suggest you read some books on self esteem. Set some goals in your life. Get an education. You owe a good life to your child. You have already put yourself on the road to poverty by getting pregnant without being married and you have put your child in a situation of having an absent father. So, you must work extra hard to make a success of your life and to provide a good enviornment for your child. Find some good role models to be around. Find someone else who will be a father figure (not another looser boyfriend). A grandfather or Uncle that will set the right example for this child. Do not go out to places where you will meet the same type of guy you have already made the mistake of giving yourself to. Hanging out with loosers will only make you a looser..If you want a Prince to sweep you off your feet then become a Princess. Value yourself and do not sleep with this man or any other looser. I would suggest you wait to have sex until you find the right person and get married, but I fear that advice will only fall on deaf ears....Change your life! Make a better life for your child! Do you have any idea of the responsibility of a child? Get a few child rearing books, otherwise your neglected child will end up like many other "attention deficit" children...on medication. Most people do not want the answer to thier problems. They do not want to be told that they have already made bad choices and decisions, and most people do not change...The fact that you are asking What do you think? Irritates me! It brings me back to the top Self Esteem. Value yourself! Value your body...Do you know that there are over 32 sexually transmitted diseases? Plan A = abstinence, Plan B = Bad decision, pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease for life and one that could take your life, Plan C = condom. If your looser man doesn't care enough to use a condom; He doesn't care about you! By the Way a condom will not always protect you from Herpes or HPV (warts)...Again, most people don't want to hear the truth...are you one of those people? Will you really make any changes in your life?

Jessica - posted on 12/07/2009

We are here on earth to teach and guide are children to become something of themselves! You let him be invovled just think of what your son will be around and become of himself. I kind of went through the same situation and my daughter is 7 yr old and her father refuses to work so he doesn't have to pay child support. My daughter hasn't seen her father in almost a year. When she did go and see him, I would get her back and she would reak of cigarette smoke, her hair and teeth never brushed, and she sometimes came home with bruises! Honestly, Do you want to have your son come home like this? Protect him and yourself!

CHERYL - posted on 12/07/2009

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOUR ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING...GET YOURSELF AND YOUR SON AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS MAN AS POSSIBLE..AS A WOMAN WHO WAS IN A MARRIAGE WHERE I WAS HIT AND HE WAS ON DRUGS ETC..I WALKED IN TO MY HOUSE ONE DAY WITH MY 1 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER HIGH AS A KITE FROM HIM HUFFING PAINT...IF HE IS MORE WORRIED ABOUT DRUGS NOW IT WONT CHANGE WHEN THE BABY COMES...YOU DONT HAVE ONLY YOURSELFTO THINK ABOUT NOW YOU HAVE ANOTHER LIFE IN YOUR HANDS,,,DONT SHOW YOUR CHILD CERTAIN UNEXEPTABLE BEHAVIOR IS OK....WALK AWAY FROM HIM....GOOD LUCK

Ann-Marie - posted on 12/07/2009

You are well within yours and your childs rights to keep that man at a safe distance. The best thing is to keep them apart untill the child is well and truly old enough to understand what his father has done and is old enough for you to tell him why you did what you did. It will then be up to the child to decide what he wants to do. Just remember to be there when he probably will go searching and his father will most definetely disappoint him. You are a great mother for wanting to get out of there and be assured no mother in their right mind would oppose your decision. Good luck to you.

Stina - posted on 12/07/2009

Run. Run fast. It is an excellent idea to make sure he stays away. You and your son will be better off and safer without this clown in your life.

Arica - posted on 12/07/2009

The sooner you get rid of this nightmare the better. He does not deserve the right to be the father of your son. It may be hard on your own, but I can guarantee it would be better than if you stayed with him. You said it twice yourself (you do not trust him), how can you trust him around you infant?

Caithlin - posted on 12/07/2009

i think you are making a good decision. you are better off with out having him around to stress you out especially because its hard enough being a single mom. eventually you will find someone who will respect you and love the both of you!

Kris - posted on 12/07/2009

Nobody says you have to marry the father!! Get in with a Church Support Group and stay strong and positive. You need that baby and you to be around positive and uplifting people even while you are pregnant. Don't hang with anyone that will affect you differently. I know from past experience...my son is now 32 yrs old and I did marry his father. But divorced him, he didn't pay child support thru those yrs...long story. He still claims he loves me to this day, love is commitment and action. He messed around through our six yrs of marriage even while I was pregnant with his second child. Control what you can!!! and that is taking care of you two, finding a way to make it without "that". You know what I am saying, Blessings to you!!! Way back then, I thought I "had to" marry him. **he even was with another women before I went in labor,,,how sick is young thinking. Just Move ON!!

Abijah - posted on 12/07/2009

You are wise to protect your child from such a man. If he is abusive to you he will also be abusive to your son. not to mention if he is cheating he could possibly give you an STD that may have harmful side effects on your son. My Mother stayed with my abusive father and he has beaten all of his children and wife for over 30 years. I hope you find the strength to realize you need a better rolemodel for your child.

Alicia - posted on 12/07/2009

Keep you and your baby safe! The fact that you even have to ask yourself if he's dangerous, means he is. Don't second guess yourself! Don't contact him abymore or allow him to contact you. Leave him out of it, and don't name him on the birth certificate, that only gives him rights to the baby. He's not worth it. If anything ever happens to your baby, you will never be able to forgive yourself, and if he hurts you, you may have the same problem as well. Like I said, keep that beautiful baby boy safe from harm.



Mommy always knows best! You are not wrong in this, but it will take strength to keep you and your baby safe. Wish you all the best!

Amanda - posted on 12/07/2009

It's easy for all of us to say our piece.....everyone one on here is thinking about you and your baby boy.....he will be your number one priority and you must never forget that - but in order to do that you too also have to be safe and well. Do you have any family or friends you can turn to for support? You will need as much help as you can get....DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP - that is so important! Speak to your mid wife or health visitor - they will be there for you and help in any way they can. If you choose not put the babies fathers name on the birth certificate - should things change in the future, he could always be added at a later date....that's the least of your worries! Just be strong and take care of yourself - Amanda x

Heather - posted on 12/07/2009

I think he's your son and if the dad really is that bad, he'd probably be better off not knowing him. I don't see anything wrong with keeping him away. I was going to do the same with my daughter until her daddy actually showed me he changed. Now we're engaged.

Michelle - posted on 12/07/2009

you are not wrong you have to do what is best for you and your son as your wellbeing is more improtant.i would do what nikki has said if i was in your situation, as long as you have family and friends there to support you with whatever choice you make you will be fine. i never had a father but my mum made one of her best male friends a guardien so that i had a male figure to turn to you could do that for your son its just an idea for you to think over.i would also not put his name on the birth cert as he doesnt deserve it be on there, but i would keep some memory of him for when your son may ask about his father, my mum keeped some pics of my father and i know his name, that was all i needed and wanted to know, but your son may want to find his father just be prepared for that day.

Rebecca - posted on 12/07/2009

I think you are already being a great mom! You are not wrong and you obviously care enough about your child to not want him to be raised around someone that will be a bad influence on him. Someone like that doesn't deserve a place in your life your your child's life. Your motherly instincts are correct, keep on listening to them. Good luck and congratulations!

Nika - posted on 12/07/2009

u r not wrong at all...this is not the environment u want to raise ur child in...i dnt know what ur living or financial situation is but if u can do without him i would bounced and change my number...i hope u have family and friends that will have ur back cuz at a time like this u will need them...best of luck

Darlene - posted on 12/07/2009

I think you need to involve him in the childs life. You and the man that fathered your child need to grow up and get put your differences aside. Your child to be deserves to have a mommy and daddy.

Katherine - posted on 12/07/2009

Quoting Maggie:

Quoting Christina:

Quoting Klair:

Quoting Christina:

Quoting Klair:

I think your baby has a right to know who his father is. He needs to see for himself what his father is like then he can make his own decision. This guy sounds like a total loser and you're not wrong for not wanting anything to do with him but your baby is his son at the end of the day. You need to be strong enough to let your son have a relationship with his dad (in a contact centre if you're worried something may happen?) without sleeping with him or getting emotionally involved with him again and ultimately getting hurt. One day your baby will be curious about who his dad is and will ask questions or go looking, have you thought about what you would say? If he finds his father, your son might hate you for not letting him judge for himself what his father is like. Of course by letting him get to know his dad, you leave your baby open to being let down and hurt but he will respect and love you for letting him make the decision to see his dad or not himself. Just because your ex has done wrong to you, doesn't mean he will do wrong by his child. Give him a chance, if it goes wrong you will be there to pick up the pieces and to say 'enough is enough' but I think you'll regret making such a rash decision before the baby is even born and I think it could jeopardise your relationship with him later on. Good luck with everything.

I'm sorry, but while I agree that at the end of the day it is his son too.. I personally think it would be better to NOT let the father see his son, at least until he starts making better choices in his life. What kind of role model would that be to a young boy? While there are SOME men who have made something of themselves while their father has made horrible life choices, MOST of them end up the same way b/c that is all they knew their father to be. I agree with Kirsten in not wanting the father to be around their baby. If she wants to show her son when he's old enough to understand that this is NOT the type of choices to make, that's fine. But while he's young and impressionable, I think that would definitely be a bad choice on her part. But that's just my opinion.

He should be told to change his ways because his behaviour has been disgusting, i'm not disputing that. I just think that cutting and running on the mum's part will be severely damaging to her relationship with her son when he grows up and this guy isn't worth risking that over. By banning the child from seeing his dad are you not putting the dad on a pedal-stool? Trust yourself to bring your child up in a way where they can make sound judgements for themselves and know the difference between right and wrong. While the baby is impressionable if access is always supervised or in a contact centre and he doesn't have any input into how the baby is raised I don't see how that can be damaging. Obviously, if he turns up to the contact centre off his face or with various random women, you don't let him see him until he's sorted himself out. The key is to always be in control and if you do let him see the child it has to be in a safe environment. 

No, it's not putting the dad on a pedestal. It's not like she would be saying how great of a man he was or anything like that. If it were me, I would tell my son that his father made some bad choices and until he can make good choices it is best he not be around him. And it doesn't matter about the Contact Centre.. By doing what he has and continues to do, he gave up the right to be that child's dad. It's called consequences.

As a newborn the baby would have no way of removing himself from a situation that makes him uncomfortable. As a newborn he won't be able to make his own decision whether he wants to see his father or not. As a newborn he will depend on his mother to keep him safe and if that means that his father's not in the picture then SO BE IT! Until he can get himself together and act like a father then he should not be able to have anything to do with that baby!

Sometimes not having a father is a better choice than having a bad one. You can find a good strong male role model, maybe your father or brother or friend, to teach him "how to be a man" but I still think that the biological father is not the kind of person you'd want to have around your baby.

I agree with Klair. Unfortunately, the father has rights to his son whether or not he is a good boyfriend. You can't judge his abilities as a father until the baby is born. Ofcourse, if Kristen's description of this guy is accurate then he prob wont be a very good father but I think he has the right to benefit of the doubt until after the baby is born. Having a child changes everything. In a lot of cases, I've seen immature, irresponsible people grow up very quickly and become wonderful parents almost over night. I'm not saying she needs to keep him involved or go out of her way to have him in her son's life but she shouldn't run away or keep him away from him either. It's illegal as well as unfair to the child.

Even if you don't want your child to be near his father you should make him financially responsible. I'm sure it's hard being a single mom and even if you can do it on your own your child deserves the support of two parents. Make sure you get all the help you need to collect on child support and other things the father is obligated to. If you are concerned about your son's safety and can prove the father's negligence a judge will grant him limited and supervised visitation, or even take it away all together, and you can still receieve the support your son deserves. It's also important to know that keeping your son from his father can lead to problems for you if his father ever decides to fight for custody and visitation. You have to do what's in the best intrest for your child and that means facilitating a relationship with his father as long as it doesn't put your child in harms way.

If you don't take anything else from this post(I know it's kind of long and blunt), I really hope you'll wait to make any decisions until after the baby is born. And honestly, if he is the way you say he is, what makes you think you'll have to keep him away from the baby? Most of the men I've heard described that way don't want anything to do with their children anyway so you won't even have to worry about it.

Kathryn - posted on 12/07/2009

Don't let him near!! You are completely right. Don't contact him anymore and don't accept his calls. Move if you have to. No one should face violence and especially a baby that has not defence! Its you JOB to protect that little baby!

Good luck. we have all been there at some points in our lives. Stay strong

Latisha - posted on 12/07/2009

leave his ass alone...i dealt with the same thing for nine years...it wont change, just gets worse.

Brenda - posted on 12/07/2009

very true Mandi. listen to your heart.

Mandi - posted on 12/07/2009

Always use your intuition. If your heart tells you to keep your child protected there is a reason.

Brenda - posted on 12/07/2009

praise the Lord. you ladies stick to your guns be safe. i will remember all of you in my prayers.

Chantell - posted on 12/07/2009

No that is not wrong. My son is 7 yrs old and he has not seen his father since he was 4 yrs old. His dad was very abusive with words and his hands but I fought back. He is not in my son's life. He is better of not knowing who his dad is. He is a drugging. He doesnt need that in his life. Get full custody of your son. The judge will not grant the father custody due to that the father is on drugs and sleeps around.

Brenda - posted on 12/07/2009

kirsten, if he acts this way now he may always be this type of person. from personal experience with my daughters the best thing for you and your children is to stay as far away from him as possible. i will pray that you have someone, family, other good friends to be there for you. you need good and kindness in your life. i am so glad you don't want that kind of life. i had to make the same choices years ago. i went for the good things in life. drugs, alcohol etc just bring the bad. take care of you and your children. God bless you with safety, love and kindess. take good care sweety.

Simone - posted on 12/07/2009

i totally agree with you and have had a friend in that situation but, she stayed until their second was 2.. then he fineally dipped on her and now has taken their son and left her and their daughter like they are nothing, bad situation all the way around........ i say totally cut all ties and try to keep the both of you away from him

Sarah - posted on 12/07/2009

Get out while you can. He's a loser. If he treats you that way how do you think he'd treat a child?

Roseanna - posted on 12/06/2009

if he doesnt want to be with his other kid theres no point in letting him try plus your guys safty is best. keep him away.

Roseanna - posted on 12/06/2009

Your not wrong if your scared then you should leave or call the cops and have him escorted off tthe property. And I agree with Nikki.

Judy - posted on 12/06/2009

This scares me! You are making the right decision as to keep him away from your child. You just never know what he might try to do! I believe God wants the very best for you and your son. Children are precious gifts from God and I know he wants you to raise your son in peace and not live in fear of this man. Good luck :o)

Kirsten - posted on 12/06/2009

he also has another son that the mother didnt wanna be around so after less than a year he gave him away to his sister and he never goes and see's him. so if he cant take care of the other son why should i think he wants to see this one when its born.

Becky - posted on 12/06/2009

I may be playing devil's advocate here a bit, but there are generally two sides to every story. I would guess that my husband's ex-wife would probably say many of the same things that are being said here about terrible dads and then some. However the man I know and have been married to for over 5 years now is not a terrible man and would probably be a great father if he were allowed to be. He has not seen his 17 yo daughter for nearly 4 years and it breaks his heart. He had very limited contact with her for nearly 10 years before that. When his daughter was a baby her mother threatened him with never seeing his child again if he didn't marry her. He gave in and was married to her for nearly 2 very miserable years. At divorce time she took him for everything he had plus he pays almost $500 a month in child support. He is now at the point where he is counting the days until his daughters 18th birthday so he no longer has to pay support. Dads are a very important part of a child's life and I think a dad should be given a chance to be one. My own 4 kids would agree, they lost their dad to cancer 10 years ago when my oldest was 16. They like Step-Bob (their name for my husband) very much but nothing and no one could ever replace their own father.

Melissa - posted on 12/06/2009

just cause its his sperm doesnt mean he is or will be a father ... i would personally just leave it alone ... if he isnt contacting dont contact him ... you dont even have to tell him when the baby is born or put his name on the birth cert. if you choose not too. you seem like you have already made up your mind to keep the baby away, you are not wrong in wanting to keep your son safe, just surround your self with supportive people, you will need them all ... one thing is if you go after him for child supprt and such he can ask for visitation and it is VERY VERY hard to keep him away if he does that ... but if he doesnt care and your the one calling him then stop he doesnt HAVE to be informed that is a choice that is yours, also if you do have him on the cert. get paper filled right away asking for full legal and phyiscal custdoy espically fi he'll just sign them it will come in handy later !

Erlinda - posted on 12/06/2009

I can tell you from experience that a man who cares about what he does and who he does it with him only thinks of himself. He will never change, he will never care about anyone but himself because he is lost. He doesn't love himself, therefore how could you expect him to love you? Your baby, regardless of age or sex will carry his traits unfortuneately, and it is up to you to show him another part of the world that is good and trustworthy of his love. No matter what his father says, he won't change and I'm sorry to tell you this, but never, never, say anything bad about him to the babe. Let the child find out about the father on their own. Hope this helps you in the future

Melissa - posted on 12/06/2009

Quoting Misty:

Girl! Listen to these women. DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! If you don't put a father, then if he wants rights, then he has to have a paternity test done and they are not cheap. Hiring a lawyer is not cheap and I do not think he would want to pursue this any further. Another thing, get the restrianing order and let the hospital know when you get there to have the baby, that you do not want anyone knowing that you are there. Let your friends know that you will contact them via your cell phone, but if anyone calls the hospital to check on you, they cannot get any info. Stay strong sweetie! It will all work out in the end.

good advice !!!!

Melissa - posted on 12/06/2009

if a guy treast you like shit he wont change with you for sure .... yes people can change but if they do it will be with the next girl not you !

Melissa - posted on 12/06/2009

just cause its his sperm doesnt mean he is or will be a father ... i would personally just leave it alone ... if he isnt contacting dont contact him ... you dont even have to tell him when the baby is born or put his name on the birth cert. if you choose not too. you seem like you have already made up your mind to keep the baby away, you are not wrong in wanting to keep your son safe, just surround your self with supportive people, you will need them all ... one thing is if you go after him for child supprt and such he can ask for visitation and it is VERY VERY hard to keep him away if he does that ... but if he doesnt care and your the one calling him then stop he doesnt HAVE to be informed that is a choice that is yours, also if you do have him on the cert. get paper filled right away asking for full legal and phyiscal custdoy espically fi he'll just sign them it will come in handy later !

Latrese - posted on 12/06/2009

Quoting Jackie:

You want an honest opinion? You should have though about this before you had sex with him. Any court or lawyer will tell you how he treats you is no reflection of what kind of father he will be and you have no legal leg to stand on. He hasn't commited a crime against you and even if he did thats you not your son. Your best choice is to keep your front door open and hope he gets distracted by the new girls that love single dads. Then its his choice and you never denied him and he will have nothing to use against you later.

Very well said Jackie.

Hollie - posted on 12/06/2009

Stick to your guns sister! Your baby doesn't need that kind of craziness in his life and neither do you! Pregnancy is hard enough emotionally and every other way, you don't need it either. You are worth more than that!

Susan - posted on 12/06/2009

No, you are doing a very wise thing. If you love this guy, don't let your emotions get in the way of your health and safety or the babies. He will get worse as the years go until he realises his life sucks, if that ever happens. I would go to a counsellor to find out about rights or maybe if you don't put his name on the birth certificate would do it. I would truely find all that out, for the future. Have you got good support, like family or friends. That is really important. When your son grows he will want to know who his father is, it is just natural. You will have to think about that as well.

Dawn - posted on 12/06/2009

I agree stay away and always put your child first.

BUT....I have read some of these other posts and just have to wonder why are all these girls sleeping with losers in the first place? If a guy that treats you so bad in the first place what makes you think they are going to change once you have a child? didnt you know he was an ass before you got pregnant??

Anyway Good luck and stay safe :)

Darlene - posted on 12/06/2009

It sounds like you have your head screwed on right and your heart in the right place when it comes to your child. You are not wrong at all about this this is a very wise thing you are doing.

Susan - posted on 12/06/2009

u don't need tht bad energy around a infant bad vibes all around. get far away as u can,,believe me it will hurt but u n ur baby will b alot better off, take it from experience..no good comes from heartache..bring ur baby up with happeniess ,luv hugs n kisses always.good luck!!!!!!!!!!!1

Debra - posted on 12/06/2009

I beleive that people can change, but not easily. I went through a pregnancy with a man that was very emotionaly abusive and hateful. There were moments when he was great, but it never lasted long. When my daughter was 13 days old, he became violent with me. I tried for almost two years, as I wanted that "ideal" family...I had twins that were six years old and I realized something very important...I didn't want my son to grow up thinking it was ok for a man to treat a woman this way and I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking it was ok to let a man treat her that way...Change is not an easy thing and if there are red flags now...I would run...If I had it to do over, I would have never told my daughter's Dad about her. I didn't feel right about it at the time, but she is six years old now and her dad isn't a dad at all. I am now happily married to a wonderful man who is the best "Father" my daughter could ever have. She sees her dad from time to time (as he moved out of the country), but he is not a father to her. He is still hateful and mean, but I just deal with it. I never tell my daughter anything about her dad as I figure she will eventually figure it out, but it's hard as all I want to do is protect her. He has put her in awful situations, of course, without my knowledge and the courts always "protect" the dad's rights. Proving they are unfit it a nightmare. My ex does drugs and is a violent drunk, but I never pressed charges against him, so proving it...well, that's another issue...Your life will be better for both you and your son if you just raise him alone...It's too hard to get rid of someone bad in your life....Like I said, if I had it to do over....Best of luck!!!