Am I wrong for asking for help from the grandperants.

Aj - posted on 12/21/2009

Wow, I really feel sorry for those who think you are wrong. I come from a family that does not think of thier grandchildren as burdens but blessings. I have 4 kids and one with very bad asthma and I am so thankful that I can call thier grandparents for anything and not feel bad for it. AND if it was important, I would ask for them to give up opera tickets or a support group. It is very sad if you can't call a grandparent when one of your children is about to end up in the hospital. I feel very sorry for those people.

Mary - posted on 12/21/2009

I have to ask, how are the grandparents? Maybe they are ill themselves, overwhelmed and not really a good sitter all the time. Just last week my husband had a heart attack, not a minor illness but a heart attack. The symptoms he displayed were fatigue, aches in arms, legs, jaws and sleeplessness. Is it possible Grandma or Grandpa may be ill themselves and unable not unwilling to watch their own grandchildren? It is difficult to do, but try to see life from their point of view as well as your own. As a rule, grandparents LOVE to watch their grandchildren, I know I do. I am willing and able to be their own personal nurse when they are ill, however, I am not always able to transport.
Do you repay your in laws for their kindness when they sit for you? I don't mean in money, but how about cleaning up after your children when you pick them up, making sure Grandma isn't stuck with a load of dishes and a wrecked house due to a favor. I know how aggravating it can be to do a favor, even if you enjoy it, and have someone appear to show no appreciation. I sincerely wish a better relationship between you and your in laws and Gods blessings for you and your children. Sometimes you do have to hire and pay for a sitter even when Grandparents are near.

Rica - posted on 12/21/2009

I would say that your not wrong in asking for help from the grandparents. I have a very close family and I know how you feel. I once had a problem with my husband's family and once I cut them off, they were able to see how much they needed to be close to our kids and family. In your case it is much harder to cutoff his parents. But I would suggest you and your husband sit and talk about how you fell. And you may want to put a move closer to your family on the table. Look for good friends that you can count on, set up some play dates as best you can. If you would like you can even look me up on FB and I can be your ears!

Karen - posted on 12/21/2009

No, as a grandma, I can tell you I look forward to every single time I am needed!

Kate - posted on 12/21/2009

I think that you are wrong in this instance. It is NOT their job to babysit for you, even though they are the grandparents. Any good babysitter deserves to be paid...whether it is family or not, so the person that asked for payment is NOT WRONG either. Do not expect them to do this for you just because they are your husbands parents, they already raised their kids. You say you are not asking for hand outs but that is exactly what you are doing.
Why are you waiting until the last minute to set up arrangments for these appointments? You are expecting them to become surrogate parents when you aren't able to be there and that is not their job. If you need a babysitter, HIRE ONE. This is your job and it sounds as if you are counting on them to make your job easier. You need to step back and think about this.

Amanda - posted on 12/21/2009

I don't think you're doing anything wrong by asking for a little help once in a while. I thought grandparents were supposed to want to be a part of their grandkids life???? I have children and am very lucky to have alot of family support. Although, i haven't seen my own grandparents for a very long time. Some people might find that a bit sad, but the way I see it, it's not the kids that are missing out, they are too young to know any different. Grandparents that treat the kids like a novelty or will only participate in their lifes when it's convienient for them, are the ones missing out. I know its hard for some as they get a little older to keep up with the grandkids, but that's no excuse for not spending time with them. Gee, my great- nan ( hubby's nan) who's 70 took my daughter to the pagent on the weekend, and was running around with her for hours! The way i see it, in the end it's the grandparents who are missing out if they can't show more of an interest. They, just like my own Nan, will probably realise one day that they have become quiet lonely. That wont be your fault, it will be there's. Oh, just on saying that......do you ring and visit them? I just ask because i do know people who get frustrated when the grandparent wont visit, but it works both ways, both parties need to make the effort. Good luck with it all. If things dont get better, it might be a good idea to sit down with them and tell them how you feel??

Stephanie - posted on 12/21/2009

Ask for all the help you can get. So long as there willining to give help take it. I actually moved back in with my mom temporaraly after my daugters birth. I couldn't do it all on my own. I'm sure theyll love having the kids around as well.

Becky - posted on 12/21/2009

Sheryl;
Hi there! First thing hun is that you need to take what people say on here with a grain of salt...so to speak. Second of all most of us understand that you don't ask them for help all of the time. Grandparents are supposed to be there for you without giving up thier own thing to do it. It sounds to me as though you should maybe talk to them about it....ask them if they feel that way.....and if not then don't worry......and if they do ....then maybe ask them if they know of anyone they would feel trustworthy enough for you to leave your children with if you need to. An emergency is an emergency no matter what anyone on here says and only you know your situation.....we can only go buy what you have wrote down. As for some comments that are made.......well if you read through some of these questions on here you will see that they are quite negative people anyway and can't seem to be respectfull to anyone so don't take it to heart! As for most though they are just trying to help you.....every one has different oppinions and ideas.....take care and please talk to the grandparents for they are the only ones that know how they feel:)

Jo - posted on 12/21/2009

Oh my goodness. As a grandmother whom absolutely loves her grand kids and beg to have the kids over when I am home. You see we are over the road drivers. I do not see anything wrong in asking a parent to watch the kids. I don't care if the kids are sick, disabled, or anything. They are the grandparents and I feel they should give a hoot. It just angers me when grandparents act as they do. I think these grandparents are in the mind that their other kids are the cats meow, I read that there is a problem, like they are ashamed or something. So my comment is SHAME, SHAME on those grandparents. They are missing out on so much connections, and my maybe, just maybe their connection could help with your children health and issues.
Now this is a solution I would try, maybe it would work and maybe not. However, anything is worth a try. I wouldn't want to start a family fight but just maybe your husband and you need to sit down with these people and see what the problem is. maybe they just don't feel comfortable and they feel inadequate, so they need some training.
But first and most of all I would get it out in the open and try to find out why they won't have anything to do with these babies. After all they are part of them to. Why they make excuses not to watch the kids, or won't have holiday's with them. I could understand the distance thing with the other kids if the grandparents took the time to love yours too.
Again, Shame, Shame on the grandparents. Remind them they are gifts from God.

Jean - posted on 12/20/2009

Its me again. I forgot to mention 2 out of the 3 grandchildren are special needs, the oldest, 10, more than the youngest, 6.

Roberta - posted on 12/20/2009

I'm a grandmother. I lived fairly close to one granddaughter when she was little, but far away from the other until recently. My adopted son was special needs when he was growing up also, and I rarely could find even a teenage baby sitter that could handle his emotional problems even for an evening. I had no relatives around during that stage of life, so i can deeply understand your frustration. You do need to plan way ahead if at all possible. Your MIL sounds like she's uncomfortable around his problems. Discuss this with her, together with your husband. You need to get all the cards on the table. Are they Christians? No you can't assume all grandparents owe their offspring free baby sitting. Most will want to be with ther grandchildren. I've seen some pretty rough in-law problems clear up once a grandchild was there to soften their hearts. But not always. If you are able to get their feelings in the open, be sure to hear them out before bursting in with your own needs and desires. Love is mutual. Then ask if there's some time in the next month that they'd like to spend some time, and hour, 2, an evening. Don't make it short notice if they are at all uncomfortable.

Mary - posted on 12/20/2009

If the grandparents don't want to babysit, it's their loss as well as the children. Try joining a church if you're not already a member. You may meet other mothers there who will be willing to trade babysitting services with you. There are other mothers who may have the same problems and would welcome the trade. Just don't take advantage. I have 7 grown children, so I speak from experience.

Melissa - posted on 12/20/2009

No your not wrong to ask them for help at all! My parents help me all the time even after raising 13 children of their own. Maybe Im just lucky to have such wonderful parents. Either way they should want to help you..its too dang hard to do it all on your own!

Cheryl - posted on 12/20/2009

It's hard to be away from your family, isn't it? It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and lonely especially since you mentioned that your own family is very close and more than willing to lend a hand to anyone who needs it. Your Husband's family doesn't seem to extend that same closeness and welcome to you. Add to that, it sounds like your husband is trying to make a better life for all of you by going back to college so he's not available or you aren't inclined to ask him for help because you don't want to interfere with his study and class time...so that adds to the lonesome part, too.

Your kids have special needs, or at least that's what I think I am reading in your description of what is going on in your house. Is there a Women's Community in your area? They might have a list of other Mom's who might be having some of the same issues with the kids as you are and MAYBE you could help them and they could help you...plus, wouldn't it be great to have a few friends you could just share time with - and a sort of a built in support group?

I don't know what to say about the Grandparents. I am a Grandparent now, too. Some of us do have busy lives but most of us are willing to help out where we can if we are physically able. When my daughter needs me, sometimes I do get cranky when she starts out "...so, what are you doing?" If I reply "...oh, nothing much" she jumps on it and says something like "...good, then you won't mind watching the baby because I have something I need to do"...that makes me a little nuts, to tell you the truth...I would much rather she just said something like "Mom, I need to go grocery shopping and the baby is fussy. If you aren't too busy, would you mind if I dropped the baby off for a little while"...I enjoy having the baby, sometimes I just react in a crabby or negative manner because I didn't like the WAY she asked for my help and time.

Emergencies are another thing...most grandparents are pretty willing to help in a moment's notice...sounds like you have a number of urgent needs with the emergency room visits you described. Can your Family doctor/Pediatrician help you with any suggestions on how to avoid the emergency room visits and maybe use walk-in services during daytime hours instead? It might make it easier for you to find help getting to the appointments or to find child care during those hours.

When my kids were little, I kept a special bag packed with thing's I'd need if we had to go to the doctor or if they had to go to someone else's house...that bag had diapers, wipes, ointment, extra medications and directions, doctor's numbers, insurance information, snacks ( I'd pack an extra bottle and some dry formula so I could mix it up), a sippee cup for the toddler and a few extra toys and books, an extra sleeper or outfit..that bag always got refilled and refreshed when I came home...my emergency sitters always appreciated my being prepared and having the extra information they needed and I always had less stress if I was the one needing the extra stuff in the bag because I couldn't find a sitter on short notice. Having something like that ready might also make it easier for your Mom-in-Law to help if you catch her in an agreeable moment.

Good luck to you!

User - posted on 12/20/2009

No your not in the wrong they kinda are! BUT if they dont want to watch your kids I'd ask a friend if she wouldnt mind watching your kids in case something happens and just use the grandparents as a back up if your friend is out of town or something.

Sandi - posted on 12/20/2009

Hey, just me again - If my earlier post sounded snippy, please don't take it that way - I have a 16-month-old and two six year olds hanging all over me and I stepped away several times during the typing to intercede. I should have reread before hitting "post."

Sheryl - posted on 12/20/2009

Quoting Debbie:

In a nutshell, you absolutely are NOT wrong for asking, but you ARE wrong for expecting it.

So many responses to this post just floor me! The definition of grandparent is NOT on demand, free babysitter; and not baby sitting grandchildren does NOT mean you're a bad or unloving grandparent. I have 6 grandchildren and love spending time with each one of them, but sometimes my health or schedule just don't mesh with babysitting. Grandparents DO have lives of their own. In most cases it is a welcomed relief when your children are grown and don't require your constant attention because you can begin a new phase in your life . . . . one you've earned after raising a family.

I was 44 years old when I became a grandmother, and my husband was 45. There are so many things that we enjoy doing together that we couldn't do when our children were young. Believe it or not, the average grandparent is not the sterotypical white haired lady/man who is content to sit in the rocking chair on the front porch and watch others as life passes them by. They have responsibilities and rewards ahead of them, and while they are physically capable of getting out to take care of those responsibilites,and enjoy the rewards, it selfish for anyone to expect otherwise. I do love to babysit my grandchildren, but there are just sometimes when I can't do it. It may be because of health reasons or that I already have something planned. Of course, in an emergency there is very little if anything that would prevent me from keeping them. My girls understand that and don't hold it against me when I can't babysit.

When our kids were young, there were a lot of things my husband and I put on hold because we had children, and our first responsibility was to them. Sure, there were times when we needed help from others and, thank God, we managed to find the help. In raising 3 kids, we didn't "pay" a babysitter more than 2 or 3 times. Sometimes we would swap favors with friends in watching each others children, other times we just didn't do things because our responsibility was to our children. I have cancelled doctos appointments, outings with my firends, etc. because I didn't have anyone to stay with my children, and couldn't take them with me.

Now, I enjoy hobbies, alone time with my husband when we can just sit and watch TV, time by myself to just chill, and just looking forward to the next day because I know that I don't have anything in particular to do. With Christmas holidays upon us, I am also looking forward to being able to have time with my grandchildren, and if either of my daughters needs me to babysit, I will be glad to help out if I can. Just knowing that they don't think I should drop everything to accommodate their schedules makes me WANT to babysit when I can.

Another aspect that some people seem to not understand is that at the point in life where my husband and I are, we have elderly parents who also need our attention. They are just not physically able to take care of themselves . . . . . and before you say that's what nursing homes are for, let me remind you that there are also facilities for caring for children and public transportation for those who need it.

Understand that many situations in life are not the ideal situation, but you have to accept your responsibilities and do the best you can. Don't waste your time and energy dwelling on what YOU perceive to be negative. Instead forcus on the positive and spend your time and energy on finding another solution. You'll have a happier, more productive life. Good luck!

thanks for you view, but i do have to say your wrong when it come to the fax of me expecting hands out! i have said it to other who have ask and thought the same thing! plus, when talk about the nursing homes! i would never say that! i'm not that type of person at all! my aunt takes care of my grandparent!  i would never dream of putting them in one! they are why this is heard from me to think or graps a grandparent not wanting to spend time with there grandchildren when they only see them like one a month or every two months! plus, i know that they have lives! but when your told by someone to ask us first cause they feel bad if we ask someone else first. but then they go and give the guilt trip, when you do ask! it not my father that 's really like that! it more my step mother in law!  but again i don't expect hands out!  

Sandi - posted on 12/20/2009

I didn't read all these replies, and I don't know if you will ever get to this response, but here you go anyway - You waited until several replies late to say that your younger child, whom grandma doesn't seem to want to keep, has sensory issues - well, gosh, gee whilikers, maybe she is uncomfortable with his reactions! I'm not saying it is right or wrong, it just IS what it IS. If she is not comfortable, perhaps afraid she will do something wrong that sets him off, or scars him for life, or that she will have an unfavorable reaction to HIS reaction and make him feel bad. Now - where is your husband in all this? You moved to your community 3 and a half YEARS ago - find a "mops" group or other mother of preschoolers group in your area and make some FRIENDS! Although I applaud making kids FIRST in your life, it isn't healthy to make them the ONLY things in your life. You have a computer, obviously, how about Facebook and search for locals? Make some acquaintances that become friends. Do you ever invite Gran and Gramps just over for dinner and an evening of visiting? Instead of just repaying them for favors given? Pay it forward first. I think the root is, that she is probably uncomfortable with the kids' medical issues. And that's not wrong of her, it's just the way she feels.

Debbie - posted on 12/20/2009

In a nutshell, you absolutely are NOT wrong for asking, but you ARE wrong for expecting it.



So many responses to this post just floor me! The definition of grandparent is NOT on demand, free babysitter; and not baby sitting grandchildren does NOT mean you're a bad or unloving grandparent. I have 6 grandchildren and love spending time with each one of them, but sometimes my health or schedule just don't mesh with babysitting. Grandparents DO have lives of their own. In most cases it is a welcomed relief when your children are grown and don't require your constant attention because you can begin a new phase in your life . . . . one you've earned after raising a family.



I was 44 years old when I became a grandmother, and my husband was 45. There are so many things that we enjoy doing together that we couldn't do when our children were young. Believe it or not, the average grandparent is not the sterotypical white haired lady/man who is content to sit in the rocking chair on the front porch and watch others as life passes them by. They have responsibilities and rewards ahead of them, and while they are physically capable of getting out to take care of those responsibilites,and enjoy the rewards, it selfish for anyone to expect otherwise. I do love to babysit my grandchildren, but there are just sometimes when I can't do it. It may be because of health reasons or that I already have something planned. Of course, in an emergency there is very little if anything that would prevent me from keeping them. My girls understand that and don't hold it against me when I can't babysit.



When our kids were young, there were a lot of things my husband and I put on hold because we had children, and our first responsibility was to them. Sure, there were times when we needed help from others and, thank God, we managed to find the help. In raising 3 kids, we didn't "pay" a babysitter more than 2 or 3 times. Sometimes we would swap favors with friends in watching each others children, other times we just didn't do things because our responsibility was to our children. I have cancelled doctos appointments, outings with my firends, etc. because I didn't have anyone to stay with my children, and couldn't take them with me.



Now, I enjoy hobbies, alone time with my husband when we can just sit and watch TV, time by myself to just chill, and just looking forward to the next day because I know that I don't have anything in particular to do. With Christmas holidays upon us, I am also looking forward to being able to have time with my grandchildren, and if either of my daughters needs me to babysit, I will be glad to help out if I can. Just knowing that they don't think I should drop everything to accommodate their schedules makes me WANT to babysit when I can.



Another aspect that some people seem to not understand is that at the point in life where my husband and I are, we have elderly parents who also need our attention. They are just not physically able to take care of themselves . . . . . and before you say that's what nursing homes are for, let me remind you that there are also facilities for caring for children and public transportation for those who need it.



Understand that many situations in life are not the ideal situation, but you have to accept your responsibilities and do the best you can. Don't waste your time and energy dwelling on what YOU perceive to be negative. Instead forcus on the positive and spend your time and energy on finding another solution. You'll have a happier, more productive life. Good luck!

Delores - posted on 12/20/2009

I'm a Grandma and I say no you are not wrong for asking. I would love to watch my Grandchildren whenever I could. The only thing is you want to make sure Grandma doesn't have any plans already set up. Maybe when you make appointments plan with her ahead of time. Or even sit down and discuss what you are feeling. It would be rare that a Grandma doesn't want to spend whatever time she can with her Grandchildren.

Janet - posted on 12/20/2009

sheryl i have all ways taken care of my grandchildern a proud to do so

Jean - posted on 12/20/2009

Dear Am I wrong,
This is coming to you with complete understanding from the grandparents point of view meaning no disrespect to you. I am the grandmother of 6 beautiful grandchildren. My step-son's children are 15, 13, and 2.75 years old. They live in a different state than we do. So we see them rarely. My step-daughters children are 10, 9 and 6. They live with us and our 13 yr daughter. They have lived with us for 2 1/2 years. My step-daughter dropped them off to visit for the weekend. We were happy to have them and she still hasn't returned. We were very helpful when my daughter needed a babysitter, money, food, clothing and a place to live before all this occurred. Too helpful as a matter of fact, because if we had been less supporting we wouldn't be in this situation now. The grandparents are not wrong in their endeavor to try to make you stand on your own two feet. However, if they never ask to spend time with your child/ren then that could also be a problem. Grandparents feel they have done their duty with raising their own children and therefore spending time with their grandchildren is supposed to be because they love and enjoy them, and if they are only seeing them when you ask for a favor, maybe they are feeling a bit used. And if the asking is frequent, they may feel that thats the only time you want them. Honestly, if I had been less "helpful"then my daughter would not have felt it was ÖK"to just up and leave her children, she would have thought twice. If it is an emergency then you should ask. However, if it not and there is plenty of time to make other arrangements then you should, ie: hire a babysitter, God knows that's what I had to do when my 13 yr old was little.

Sheryl - posted on 12/20/2009

Quoting Shannon:

It's not wrong to ask for help every once in a while but I have a question. If she guilts you and tries to make you feel bad WHY do you keep asking?!? It seems like she doesn't really want to be involved and you are putting yourself out there to get your feelings hurt! I guess I would try asking her what the issue is but if she won't answer or doesn't see that she reacts like she does, I would not ask anymore. I know how hard it can be to have your children treated differently and I have cut a lot of people out of my girls lives for this very reason.

i guess i do it for them! cause as kids they still love them! my oldest ask me all the time when is papa coming. when do i get to see papa! i miss papa! meaning both of them! i guess i just hope and pray that they would like to spend time with them! its just hard cause growing up my grandpa and grandma always would take me places  or just want to keep me for the day! take me to my baseball games! i mean it just heard i cause i grew up knowing things one way. not this way! i just thought that it maybe the same way! i mean my husbend dad mom love to spend time with her grand kids! so i guess i just don't get it! setting down and talking to them sound like a good idea! i think me and my husbend are going to give it a try! thanks everyone for your help!  

Amanda - posted on 12/20/2009

i wouldn't say that you are necessarily wrong in asking, but it really shouldn't be expected of them, they raised their children and have the right to choose their level of involvment in thier grandchildren's lives... however, i would sit down and talk to them about why they don't WANT to help out from time to time, that seems odd to me. maybe if you ask in advance rather than last minute they will gladly help out, but if you wait until the last minute they may already have plans that they don't want to break.

Kristy - posted on 12/20/2009

Sheryl, you apparently didn't share enough of the facts in your particular situation. Just that you had one car, asked G-parents that wouldn't help and that's about it. Provide a little more history next time so people don't get the perception that you are asking for help just to be asking for help. Maybe then some of the answers you get will be a bit easier to digest.

And as I said before. The grandparents have a choice to be in their grandbabies lives or not. Unfortunately, from up close, in-my-face experience, if they choose to NOT be when they are young - in ways of doing anything tney can just to spend some time with them especially - that will never happen. Those kids, as they grow, will not have a bond with them and in the long run its the grandparents that loose out. But eiher way the guilt trips from the in laws will probably neer subside. My mom used to give me crap when I asked for help. Never once did she come to help in a pinch (had nail or hair appointments that were already scheduled) and my kids grew to see that. They don't have a relationship with her at all. And now, I get guilt trips because my kids are ungreatful for what she did do for them. *eye roll*

Either way, dear . . . .it might not ever be an easy, helpful situation for you but you WILL become a much stronger mom and eventually a doting, attentive grandma because of the experiences.

Sneaky - posted on 12/20/2009

Hi Sheryl,



First off, YOU ARE NEVER WRONG TO ASK FOR HELP. From the moment I became pregnant with my first child EVERYONE'S advice was to never try and do everything by myself all the time and to make sure I asked for help if I needed it. I think that it is commonly expected that today's mums try and do too much on their own, since we no longer live in 'communal' type societies anymore.



Secondly, it is my opinion that you in-laws are jerks.They must know that you have no other family near. Plus, if it is such a hardship to look after your boys then they could always refuse - but they would rather guilt trip you instead.



Lastly, if having to ask them for help is causing you this much stress then it is definately time to look into other options (and I will bet that they are the sort of people who will complain that they never see their grandkids if you do stop asking them for help!). I know that it is really hard to leave your kids with strangers, especially when they are special needs kids who can become frustrated at the drop of a hat (I have a speech delayed child too) but I think that YOU really need the peace of mind of having a carer who you trust, that understands your kids needs and that will be available if you do need them spur of the moment without the guilt trip. . . . yes, you need to clone yourself (that was a joke :o)!



Since we live in the real world your options are limited but I will try to make some suggestions (that do not include the totally unrealistic 'go out and make friends'). If your boys are having any special needs assistance like speech pathology, special needs teachers, etc then I would approach them first and ask if they know of any babysitting clubs or occasional care facilities that might work for you. If your boys are too old for 'normal' play groups now, there might still be special playgroups run for kids with speech delays (I'm in Australia and we are on the waiting list for our local group) where you might be able to make contact with other parents who have limited support networks. You could try advertising at your boys school for a 'babysitting share' family - that is a family with kids around the same age as your boys that your family can meet for picnics in the park, etc so you can get to know them (and them you) with the understanding that if either family needs an emergency carer then they and you will be available. You could always try to start a babysitting 'club' of your own, which lots of families from your local area or your boys schools can join.



Lastly, you could always try advertising for a surrogate grandma/grandpa. Just recently I was reading an article here about an older lady that was really distressed when her family moved to a different state so she advertised her services as a surrogate grandma and is happy to have play dates and babysit for her newly adopted families. If you go with this option you get the added benifit of knowing that you would be enriching the life of an older person who either no longer has family of their own or lives too far away from their family to be the grandparent that they want to be, your boys will get a doting grandparent or two that they will see a lot more often and you get the added bonus of someone that you can rely on.



I hope some (any?) of this helps, and good luck!

Tracey

Jackie - posted on 12/20/2009

I just had another thought and you might not like this one nearly as much. Did you ever think that you don't know how much or how often you ask for help? That you may be in denial?



I have a friend who really doesn't know how much she askes for help or really doesn't care. Either way EVERYONE around her is sick and tired of it and very annoyed I know because i'm her best friend and I am one of everyone. But she cries, complains and bitchs how little her family does and how they talk to her about it. But she just doesn't see they aren't the problem they are reacting to the problem she is causing. Maybe you should start writting down what and when you asked for something. Get a clear perspective on a calendar of whats going on to make sure you aren't the cause of her frustration.

Jackie - posted on 12/20/2009

Being the mom of a child with a speech delay and food allergies. I know how hard it is to find someone to care for your child and who understands their limitations. Here is something you haven't concidered and I think you should. Your mother in law can't handle your children. That is why she favours the older one because his problems aren't nearly as bad as your younger sons. It really sucks but you need to accept that you have to stop asking her for help unless its just to drive all 3 of you some where. You shouldn't be leaving children with communication diablities with anyone who can't handle them. Its a recipe for disaster and someone could get hurt; I know from personal experience. I think she is actually trying to tell you this without insulting the children. It doesn't mean she loves your family any less it just means she isn't able to care for your children right now. Of course all this can can and more the likely will change as the boys get older and their speech improves.

Sandra - posted on 12/20/2009

Quoting sheryl:

Am I wrong for asking for help from the grandperants.

Just wondering if i am wrong asking my son grandperants for help when it comes to doc. appt. and or just watching them i when i got to take one to a appt. or do something that's really important. everytime i call and ask for some help like if she could drive to the app. cause we only have one car or if they can watch one of boys maenly my youngest son! i get the way do you ask me. why can't you find someone else! cause it last min or cause i don't have anyone else i can trust with them! i would ask my family but i live in another state than them and my husbend parents are the only family we have hear. just wonder anyone feels this way or if i am wrong for asking! no your not i am a grandparent and enjoy everychance i get to babysit im babysitting the littleone right now,

Christine - posted on 12/20/2009

No you are not wrong to ask. l am a grandparent and l drop everything to look after my grandson so as his mum can do things such as that and even when she wants to go overnite with her husband and friends to the occasional concert. That is our special time together and l enjoy every minute with him.

Helen - posted on 12/19/2009

Sheryl,Honey I am the grandmother of 13 beautiful children and I would walk on hot ashes for any of them.I feel honoured to be able to have them with me at anytime.Sweetie if I was near you I would help you out anytime.Keep your chin up darl,i dont think you are wrong in asking for a bit of help or support. Helen Harding

Glenna - posted on 12/19/2009

I am a grandparent, and my ex daughter in law won't let me and my husband have any thing to do with our granddaughter. The onky time we get to see her is when my son (her Daddy) has her. I think this is really mean, as my ex daughter in law used to be my best friend! I wish I had the opportunity to help out with my granddaughter! I would gladly take her whereever she needed to be taken! You are not wrong to ask the grand parents to help out! They should be glad you ask them and rejoice in the time they can spend with their grand children!

Joy - posted on 12/19/2009

Speaking as a grandmother you are not at all wrong in asking for help from your son's grandparents. Frankly, I'm shocked they'd take this attitude. We're absolutely thrilled when our son or daughter want help from us because it means we get to spend time with our granddaughters whom we love to pieces.

Joy

Christine - posted on 12/19/2009

no u are not wrong for asking . me and my husband relocated to nc and we had no family here until his mom moved here a couple of months ago , and she watches the kids for me until i get off from work. my husband works second shift & i work first shift , she even keep them just so i can have some me time .. so NO YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY ASKING FOR HELP :) GOOD LUCK

Vicki - posted on 12/19/2009

I don't think you are wrong for asking. But if she always says yes or if you ask her in a way that makes her feel she has to and can't say no that may be a problem.
It is sad that in this day and age extended families are so separated from each other. My mother had not family around and had only the neighbors to ask today few of us would dream of asking a neighbor. At the same time Sharon has very rudely put how we have become a very unfriendly society towards family and children. Not only is it in the work place but it is also become a societal norm that Mothers have to do it alone to try and get there kids here and there with out help from extended family or friends often with the expectation of payment.
I know I feel uncomfortable asking my in laws to watch the kids. I usually have my husband do it its his parents after all.

Shannon - posted on 12/19/2009

It's not wrong to ask for help every once in a while but I have a question. If she guilts you and tries to make you feel bad WHY do you keep asking?!? It seems like she doesn't really want to be involved and you are putting yourself out there to get your feelings hurt! I guess I would try asking her what the issue is but if she won't answer or doesn't see that she reacts like she does, I would not ask anymore. I know how hard it can be to have your children treated differently and I have cut a lot of people out of my girls lives for this very reason.

Tina - posted on 12/19/2009

no its not wrong to ask the grandparents for help . think of it this way it there time with the grandkids and that can make it very special for both the child and the grandparents . i have asked my ex parents many times and my son loves going its special at any age . so please don't feel feel bad at all . its right if you ask me .

Mary - posted on 12/19/2009

from a grandmothers point of view, no you're not wrong. I would have loved being closer so that I could have done some of those things. If at possible, try and and give a little notice so they can make plans to do something special with there special babies

AMEY - posted on 12/19/2009

OK - I normally try to keep my opinions out of questions like this one, but based on the majority of responses you have gotten so far, I felt the need to put in my $0.02 worth.

Every person is different! Now, I'm sure you already know that, BUT it can't be stressed enough. every situation is different too. It really depends on the people involved but if she feels put out for you asking her help, then you should try to respect her feelings. I had the opposite happen to me when my children were born. My mother-in-law WANTED to spend as much time with the children as she could. My mother was too busy dealing with other things that would come up in her life. Not saying either was wrong, but based on THEIR situations my mother was just not as available as my mother-in-law. It really depends on what they have going on in their lives and how they were brought up I think. My mom wanted to see my children, she just did not want to baby-sit them. However, my mother-in-law STILL likes to go with me to DR. appts, and parent/teacher conferences and my girls are 10 & 8! I'm eally glad that she could since my mom moved away a few years ago. my mother-in-law doesn't like me at all, but she loves my kids and I am thankful for that bond. Perhaps you should try just sitting down with her and explaining the situation. Include your feelijngs but do not forget that she has feelings too. A delicatly put conversation might be the answer to all your problems.

Kristy - posted on 12/19/2009

Well, to be honest, it could go either way. It just depends on how your in-laws were raised and how they feel about their own children and family. I was raised in a family that was more than willing to care for grandchildren, neices, nephews, cousins, whatever and whomever needed help. We were there to help out because we were and are a family. On the other hand I've known other families that are far from close (very little affection, empathy, or concern for others) or caring and are very self centered about their time. Even if it is so much as a half hour they can't spare it. Which is truly sad and definitely a product of our time. It doesn't sound like you are just trying to pawn your children off for a day at the spa. You need their help for legitimate reasons. Not to mention who can honestly afford 4-6 dollars an hour for daycare or most babysitters? If my in laws or parents lived anywhere near me they would be my first choice for those doctor appointments where they don't let other children come along or even my doctors appointments. Plus, in this day and age I don't trust ANYONE that I don't know really well with my children. Do you have any good friends that might be willing to help you out? Does your husband know of anyone that you both might trust and would be willing to watch you children for an hour or two for important appointments or to maybe even wait in the waiting room with your children while you go in for the appointment? I hope that things get better for you.

Lebonna - posted on 12/19/2009

You are not wrong at all. I"M a Grandmother as well as a GreatGrandmother. I love all my grandchildren and would watch them anytime. I also work fulltime so I always told my children if needbe make all appointments. for when I get off of work . If they are are giving you a hard time you may need to find another sitter. if after a while they ask you how come then you can say well you made me feel like we were imposing on you. That may give them a different outlook on your situation. I also know it's not that easy, I'll be praying for your family

Sheryl - posted on 12/19/2009

Quoting Beth:

I do think it is wrong to EXPECT them to take care of your kids. Yes, it would be nice if they were ready, willing and able, however, not all grandparents are.

It would be nice of them to help when they are able.

I am a grandparent, but I have two other young children of my own in the house....I can't raise them AND my grandchildren as well. My parents did nothing for me, and while I want to be a better grandparent than they were, I will not raise my grandchildren or stop my life to cater to their parents whims.

Emergencies are one thing, however, you have to learn to be their parent and not take your own parents or in laws for granted. That is the biggie right there. I feel younger parents take their parents for granted and assume they will be there to pick up the slack whenever....

I have had to make sacrifices to get my kids to the doctor, etc. It is time to step up and be the responsible parent and not rely on your parents for help all the time.

thanks for your answer! but i don't expect them to always help! i am responsible parent! i don't rely on them. i may be younger but i did everything on my own from birth! i didn't even get to ask them  for help most of the time! for the most part i ask cause i think and hope that they want to spend time with them!  they don't pay the bills, etc. i'm am a good mom! but sometimes things are out of my control. what i mean is sometime when they are out of my control i still get a guilt trip! i never ask for them to just baby set for me to go out and do what ever!  i'm not that type of person! thanks for your opinion!   

Sheryl - posted on 12/19/2009

Quoting Janet:

It all depends on the situation and relationship you are in with your in laws! Firstly I think that some on here have been particularly nasty such as Sharon Grey, but then I think from HER reply she has problems of her own to deal with regarding the time her Mother had for her when growing up.
I DO however respect the reply Vicki Ostby posted.
Maybe your in laws do not get quality time unless it is in an emergency and then they will feel ill used.
As a grandmother of 4 from 2 children we are always there if possible but then our 2 children do not over use our services and we see our grandchildren often when it is socially too.
I do think though that as they are YOUR in laws then YOUR HUSBAND should be getting more involved. As it is his parents then maybe it would be him making it clear that their help is needed and not just you trying to use them.
Having said that, I have to say that when I was bringing up my 3 children I had no parents to rely on and if I needed to go to the Doctors or anywhere for that matter I took my children with me and they were expected to behave themselves in any situation.

see i think and feel that thing is somewhat of it is that; she is there step grandma! she does not see any of other but maybe once or twice a year!  i yeah know i'm lucky that they get to see them more. it just every time that i ask and it could have been 4 months ago. i get a guilt trip! if she is busy till her or them ok! thanks anyways! but she keeps going on. making me feel bad! plus, it seem like they favor one over my other son! it seem like when i ask about my oldest most of them time it ok, but then when i ask about my youngest son who we just found out got sensory processing dis. which we are working on! they seem to always to no more! i don't ask all the time. i'm am at the point to where i am affard to ask! cause it get to the point where they make me feel bad! i do most of everything my self! don't get me wrong. i do take them most of the time! but there are those time when i do really need help!  thanks tthough for being nice about it! i do love my boys!      

Janet - posted on 12/19/2009

ty xxxxx

Tessa - posted on 12/19/2009

I agree Totally with Grandma Janet :)

Janet - posted on 12/19/2009

It all depends on the situation and relationship you are in with your in laws! Firstly I think that some on here have been particularly nasty such as Sharon Grey, but then I think from HER reply she has problems of her own to deal with regarding the time her Mother had for her when growing up.

I DO however respect the reply Vicki Ostby posted.

Maybe your in laws do not get quality time unless it is in an emergency and then they will feel ill used.

As a grandmother of 4 from 2 children we are always there if possible but then our 2 children do not over use our services and we see our grandchildren often when it is socially too.

I do think though that as they are YOUR in laws then YOUR HUSBAND should be getting more involved. As it is his parents then maybe it would be him making it clear that their help is needed and not just you trying to use them.

Having said that, I have to say that when I was bringing up my 3 children I had no parents to rely on and if I needed to go to the Doctors or anywhere for that matter I took my children with me and they were expected to behave themselves in any situation.

Tessa - posted on 12/19/2009

I do not think it is wrong to ask them for help but you shouldn't be upset if they say no. I do have a great mother in law but if I was to ask my dad to watch my son for even in an hour he would probably laugh at me. Some grand parents just don't want to chase around their grand kids even if they love them to pieces. People on here who keep saying they must not love their sons or grandkids need to quit that!!! My father cherishs his grandkids but can not handle them by himself.

You might just want to talk to them and explain the situation, so they undestand that sometimes you do need alittle help and that they are the onle ones you truly trust. Unless she is hard headed that might help her understand. I am sorry about the whole situation I knwo it can be tough. My husband and I raise our son by ourselfs (no babysitters) and maybe once in a blue moon we do ask for a break and sometimes we are denied and have to figure out what to do.

Good luck

Sheryl - posted on 12/19/2009

Quoting Jessica:

Hi cheryl, my comments weren't directed at you. They were directed at some of the other ladies who were saying that grandparents were there to care for the grandchildren and nothing else. I didn't mean to insult or anger you. I'm sorry it came across that way!

thank you!

Jessica - posted on 12/19/2009

Hi cheryl, my comments weren't directed at you. They were directed at some of the other ladies who were saying that grandparents were there to care for the grandchildren and nothing else. I didn't mean to insult or anger you. I'm sorry it came across that way!

Yvonne - posted on 12/19/2009

I am a nana.... and I love it.. Any chance I get I watch my two babies... My son has a girl 3 years old and my daughter has a 9 month old little girl. They are both the most precious children. I always feel bad if I can't help with them because I work full time. But they both know that if I am off, I don't care what is planned they come first. I feel sorry for your in-laws because they are missing out. My mom died young so my best friend helped me out .... I was a single mom of three... The sad part is they won't ever realize it until they loose one or when your kids won't want to come around them. I will pray that God brings someone into your life that will and can help you...God bless.