Am I wrong for loving my boyfriend's daughters as my own?

Kim - posted on 05/10/2011 ( 205 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend has two daughters and I have one. All close in age. I treat his girls as if they were my own. On Mother's Day I posted on facebook thank you to my sweet girls for a nice mother's day. His ex wife sent me a nasty message saying I was way out of line calling her girls my girls. Am I wrong in this?

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[deleted account]

I had the same question JuLeah - Why is she on your FB friend's list, and if she's not, Why can she see your status? I have my FB set to super secure AND I have BM blocked, but I do have a seperate account that is just for her (she is the only "friend" on it) to have access to pictures and updates about our daughter. I don't post anything else on there.

If you're in this relationship for the long haul, then you're going to have to deal with her, but here's some advice: Stay as far out of it as possible. Your boyfriend is the one that needs to have contact, NOT you - especially if she is confrontation about things. Belive me, following this will save you a lot of heartache and drama - I'm 5 years into my stepmom journey and I've just started pulling back from the BM drama and my life has been SO much less stressful since I made that move :)

JuLeah - posted on 05/10/2011

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It is not that simple. I am not sure how long you have been in their life, clearly not long enough for the ex to accept you. To have another woman 'seemingly' take over your role as 'mother' can set off a lot of emotion. Try to see it from her point of view.
And, she ought to be glad you do love them and care for them. Kids needs all the love they can get
Why is she one of your fb friends if you too are still not that close?

Joy - posted on 05/10/2011

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There is nothing wrong with that unless it's just to be closer to him. Their mom is being protective because she is their mom but try not to make a fuss or debate with her about it. As long as you love and respect the girls she will eventually come to terms with it. And I don'tean any disrespect to you but you arent [yet] their stepmom. Caution is still necessary. ...been there...done that...and have a respectful and cordial relationship with my kids stepmom.

Pamela - posted on 05/10/2011

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In my humble opinion, it is never incorrect to give love to anyone. Now if the love you are giving is expecting the same in return, then it is not unconditional.

Hopefully you will learn to NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY and not second guess yourself when you get negative reactions from others....their mothers included.

[deleted account]

I don't think so (I'm a custodial stepmom). I don't know how often you guys have the kids, but when you do YOU are the woman figure (and yes, the "mother" figure), whether their mom likes it or not. Stepmoms are moms too :)



Did you know that Stepmother's Day is actually the Sunday after Mother's Day? It's our official day to be recognized for what we do in the kids' lives :)

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Junita - posted on 05/18/2011

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No your not wrong for giving , and showing your love . Nasty messages will hurt you but thee love you have makes you stronger post your gratitude ,,.

Re Re - posted on 05/18/2011

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Hell no your not wrong... tell her to get over it. Children these days need all the love the can get, so if she has problems with being controlling and insecure she needs too deal with that. It is very selfish to take away happiness that someone else has for your kids only because you are unhappy. Do not let her steal your joy keep doing what makes you and those girls happy and maybe she just needs to step it up. IJS

Toni - posted on 05/18/2011

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NOT AT ALL! If the ex isn't mature enough to see that you're treating her daughters as your own, then shame on her. She should be thankful her ex is with someone who is good to her kids and not mean to them as others often are. Jealousy is an ugly & sad way to be in life & she should know her daughters will always love her, she's their mother. It's not taking over her role as a mom it's simply taking care of her kids when they are with you and their father. BTW, why can she see your FB wall? Keep her out of your life except when it comes to the girls & dad should be the only one having interaction with mom, but ONLY when needed for the girls. I know this, as I am a step mom & baby mama is a complete knucklehead. I tried with her but she's very immature. I keep my distance completely & let my husband deal with her which most of the time he just ignores her stupidity. His only interaction is on pick up day unless she texts him. But if it's no emergency, then he doesn't even respond to her. It keeps life simple. good luck & don't do things just to get a rise out of her either.

Charity - posted on 05/18/2011

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Your not wrong in this situation. I scrolled down to see if you posted anything else. To me, she is just upset, because she's jealous. If isn't doing her part as their mother, maybe that will be a wake up call to step up to the plate and become one before it's to late.

So, I wouldn't even dwell on it, because your doing a great job. My husband had a step dad that came into a relationship with his mom and his sister. He didn't have to do anything, but he did. So my husband always said anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to become a dad.

Kat - posted on 05/18/2011

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I don't know your situation, how long you've known/had the girls or how long you've been in a relationship with their father, but I don't understand how she got hold of you on Facebook. Unless you two have a looong history of friendship, I don't understand why she has access to your Facebook.

Frankly, I do understand why it would set her off. Stepmoms (and the like) are a really sticky situation for biological moms sometimes. My ex's girlfriend sent my toddler a letter saying she wants him to view her as part of the family. Long story short: his father is basically not in the picture so I don't understand how she thinks she can be "step-mommy" when there's no "daddy"> Anyway, I saw this as an invasion of my territory and it honestly turned me into a raving-mad lunatic (at least in my head), but that's because of our situation. If you're spending 5 days a week with them, doing carpools, etc., and are basically mom to them then an enraged email is a little inappropriate. Maybe she could have cooled down a little bit before writing and explained why she was so upset...Oh, but to specifically answer your question: no, there's nothing wrong with loving your boyfriend's little girls. It's a huge blessing that there's love between you three. Cherish it.

Nicole - posted on 05/18/2011

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I dont think you are wrong for loving them but you must rember they have a mom and her feelings count too just keep doing what you are doing but respect the mom as the mom and you be their friend and love them I think I might be hurt too and mad too

Kari - posted on 05/18/2011

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I think she may be worried about being "replaced", but she should be grateful that you do genuinely care about her kids because there are so many people out there that don't treat "step" kids the same as their own.

Vicky - posted on 05/18/2011

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Dear Kim, good for you to treat these girls as your own, as it is only natural where they are mini me's of your boyfriend in some ways. Having said that there is a difference between "treating" them as your own and calling them your "own". I consider myself to be a mature, with good self esteem and I would be offended if someone talk about "my" girls as if they did not already have a mother. The gesture was sweet because I am sure your biological girls and your boyfriend's girls all got together to make the day special but that is sort of stepping on mama bear's toes (mind you nasty messages are not alright instead she should have been able to let you know that the message was hurtful; by posting a message like that you basically took away the fact that its her daughter's ie she carried them for 9 months and pushed when it was time, she probably felt replaced)

Anywho I don't think that the gesture was to intentionally hurt but it still was overstepping your boundaries.

[deleted account]

I think it is great that you are enjoying your boyfriends children...it sounds like you have an open heart for kids in general, however, I would be also very sensitive towards their mother's feelings in all of this, since he is your boyfriend and not your husband, I do not believe it is healthy to treat them as daughters too just yet...of course you can be as kind and loving to them as you are to your own, but still respect that they're still your boyfriends daughters and not your own yet...any marriage plans? Try to put yourself in the mom's shoes...ask yourself how you would feel if your ex's new girlfriend began to refer to your children as "hers"...compassion for the mom will also help the girls respect your maturity and patience. Good luck!

Felicia - posted on 05/18/2011

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You are not wrong for this my sister because the fact of the matter is that when you agreed to the relationship knowing that it was an extended family the both of you have agreed to love each others children as it was your own because if you love him why wouldn't you love his offspring it's a part of him even though it's from a previous relationship

Cathy - posted on 05/18/2011

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I dont think you are. In your eyes she thinks your going to try and be the one and only mom and she needs to understand thats not the case. Its not like you said "my daughters" you said "my girls". Maybe you should discuss with your boyfriend how you feel about all this as well as maybe to his ex-wife. Just to reassure her your not stepping on her toes and trying to be thier mother....but honestly I know some step-moms whom are better than the actual moms. Kids have moms/stepmoms and dads/stepdads all over the country. My husband prefers his stepfather over his biological father. He doesnt even speak to his father. Its not a crime to love his girls!! Dont feel guilty. I think it would be worse if you were treating them like outcasts!!

[deleted account]

It is never wrong to love anyone's child. They need all of the love and positive mentoring they can get. Their Mother could have taken it as a complement for having sweet and caring daughters. Instead, her decision was to attack. That speaks volumes in itself. Blended families are the most stressed and it takes a lot of love and patience to make it successful for the children involved. Does she want her daughters to feel inferior in your household? That would be very harmful. Love is not meant to have conditions attached. Love them.

Nete - posted on 05/18/2011

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well ....the diplomatic route would be to apologize to her for hurting her feelings, but letting her know that you didn't want to single out you bio daughter.. leaving her girls to feel left out or excluded ..and that her girls also deserved to receive a thank you for mothers day ...all in all its just good manners and not intended as a tool to create spite

Sarah - posted on 05/18/2011

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I think that it is ok for you to love his children .. I'm a step-mother as well and his mom was exactly the same way. It is better to not advertise your feelings about her children where she will see it. put yourself in fer shoes... would you want somebody claiming your daughter as their own to everyone? It is such a touchy situation. So..no it isn't wrong to love them as your own but they do have a mother too so I think that her feelings should be taken into the equation . I think it is great that you love his children so much !! Don't change that ( as if you could anyway lol) Good luck!

Jenny - posted on 05/18/2011

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Sounds like the green eyed monster's rearing it's ugly head. Nothing's stronger than a Mommy and her kiddos so I'd tread lightly - play sweet and stupid - and talk to her about it. Things can spiral quickly downward and the last thing you'd probably want is her talking badly about you (you sound like a very loving person). Try to see if you can adopt the "team effort" approach with her - hopefully she's open to this...

Meghan - posted on 05/18/2011

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Patricia,
With all due respect, when a mother has a certain bond with her child it should be just that, a bond, something that cannot be penetrated. Unfortunately there are untrustworthy people in this world and I wish you all the best with your situation however, my opinion is that if there is just one more person to root for them at a soccer game or someone in the stands at a pep rally, that child, no matter how strong the bond may be between bio mother and child, will ultimately feel that much more love and encouragement. You certainly cant tell me that you, as a mother , wouldn't welcome as much love and acceptance for you baby that they can possibly get. Being a mother is a selfless act, to do for and not expect anything in return. Are you afraid that they might,t perhaps form a similar bond with another woman ? Please dont take that question as an attack on your comment, I am truly curious on how someone would deny thier child something as rare as unconditional love from a perfect stranger...

Patricia - posted on 05/18/2011

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look i did not mean to offend any one but i wiould not like any one else to be my kids mum my bond is special with my kids and truly after having a new partner and 3 kids to egin the relationship i would never do it to my kids again it is far to difficult and i hve alot of trouble trusting people to look after my kids

Mandy - posted on 05/18/2011

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You are absolutely NOT wrong. Simply put...keep loving those girl's like you are.Obviously the "real" mom need's to grow up. I totally agree with Meghan's post. Well said Meghan!

Meghan - posted on 05/18/2011

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Kim,
In my opinion, you would only be wrong if you did the total opposite of what it sounds like your doing now.There is absolutly no reason why a child or children should be deprived of someones willingness to love and support them, debt free. This is her silly, childish attempt to gain some type of control over a situation she ultimatly lost the control she once had.. As I'm sure you have figured out "step" children can be so vulnerable and there is nothing at all out of line about showing these girls that they are accepted supported and loved by you.. No, in my opinion, you are not wrong in this.Good Luck!

Patricia - posted on 05/18/2011

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i think if she is a good mum then i could see how she would take offence to this if my partner and i split i would not like anyone else saying the were my babies mum and to you i think it is wonderful that you love them that much but you have to respect the rights and boundaries of their mum think about it from her point of view

Jessica - posted on 05/18/2011

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No not at all, dont be made to feel like loving another persons kids is wrong at all, just shows that you break from the stupid step mom stigma

Lori - posted on 05/18/2011

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My husband of 27 years very recently left our home for his girlfriend. Now I know that "cheating" situations are different than long term relationships where the children reside with you the majority of the time. I don't think you are out of line at all. My husband actually ambushes our 11 yr old at a event I wasn't attending with his girlfriend. My poor daughter didn't know how to react to Daddy showing up holding another womans hand etc. I told him it was self centered and unthinking to have not at least let me prepare her for the meeting and that it was waaaaaay too soon. But I think the girls BM is just jealous and petty. I would have has no problem with hubby's GF getting to know her later when she was ready

Shadi - posted on 05/18/2011

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Hey, my husband has a son that is 11 and I have been on the scene since he was 2. We have 2 of our own as well. You can't help but love them as your own as you are a family when you are all together. Most ex's have sore points all over them. you've just got to learn to live with it. I'm not sure how much I would like a step mum on the scene fro my kids but thats the norm today. Maybe loose her as a FB friend? Chin up and as long as the girls respect you then you have nothing to worry about xx

TRICIA - posted on 05/17/2011

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I think you are a very loving Person 'the women should be proud that you accept as your own.The Issue belongs to the ex wife!! My step Mother was awful to us ,and my dad turned a blind eye to it all'''it had a major Impact on my life''Children love and need stability and if you love and make them happy ''go withit'''exes always have issues''she feels your trying to take her girls..If your all happy in your family set up keep up the good work''try to Appeal to her better nature and explain your views and feelings''Good luck stay Happy Tricia..

Sarah - posted on 05/17/2011

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If you have them shared time then you are ultimately a Mother figure. How long have you 2 been together. She should be thankful that you feel the way you do. Especially because you have your own and still feel that way. Shame on her.

Thorunn - posted on 05/17/2011

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I don't think so. If you were to treat her worse than your daughter, she would be very upset. I think it does not matter what you do, she will always find something to bitch about

Kimberly - posted on 05/17/2011

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I don't think so. I think it is great that you have a good relationship with the girls, and speaking as a mom whose children have a step mom, eventually she will realize that the extra love is a good thing!

Julie - posted on 05/17/2011

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Yes. You two are not married - be careful. I have two girlfriends in my life that married out of love for 'his kids' and the marriage has been one trial after another as they fell in love with his kids. Be sure you are making the decisiontto marry HIM and not any of his kids - that is what will make the marriage successful or not... not your lvoe for his kids.

[deleted account]

You have run into the problem faced by every well meaning Stepmother from time immemorial. No you are not wrong. And her reaction is immature, selfish, and typical. There's an interesting book out about how to resolve this relationship for the benefit of everyone called "No-one's the Bitch" . I'd also recommend the novel "Other People's Children" by Joanna Trollope about blended families. By the way, any teacher or caregiver might say "my girls" or "my kids". A bond naturally developes between caring adults and kids in their care. For so many parents, parenting is all about ownership of children. She's the one who is out of line. But for everyone's sake the best policy is to be compassionate and forgiving. She's afraid you might be a better Mom, and she
might lose her children's love to you. She's afraid that you'll succeed where she failed with their
father too

Stepmoms carry a big burden because their mere presence is a living symbol of the failure of that first family. The failure of motherhood to make everything all right.

Shannon - posted on 05/17/2011

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I don't think you are wrong by all means....unless you put yourself in her position, would you feel jealous if she referred your kids in the same manner? I have a step daughter who I've had in my life for 15 years and I've always included her in everything and she's done the same for me....she always makes me cards, even now, saying "happy step mother's day" she loves me dearly and I love her dearly...it's the mother that has the self conscience feeling and she needs to address that herself and get some therapy because no matter what, those are her kids and her kids will know that, they will know you as the "step" reguardless. My step daughter told me long time ago that she was not allowed to love me because her mom told her so....now I'm friends with her mother and we both wish that we were friends when she was growing up, you do it for your kids and show that love can come from anyone.....I know she sent you a nasty letter but be the bigger person, I was and it got me somewhere! Tell her she's a great mom and that you are not here to take her place, you just want the kids to feel comfortable and loved when she is not around. Never speak ill of their mother, not that you do, I don't know that but I never did....at times I got jealous, I wished at times she was my daughter but I never showed it. It's important and my step daughter loves the fact that she can be herself in front of me and her mom. It's difficult but suck it up and do it for the kids. Just explain your role and make sure if there are any decisions to be made with the kids that you run that by her, make her feel like she has some control when she isn't around...you may not like her, just like I didn't like "mine" but you get past it and realize how rewarding it is when you see smiles on the kids faces! I talk to my step daughter quite a bit and I mention her mom in good ways, and she is thank full for that....It's very important to talk, I guess because you're not married it might seem different to her, not that it should, but everyone thinks differently and my step daughter's mom is tough, but she broke down and realized that she was wrong in some incidents and has appologized and so have I, I make sure at times I thank her for little things...that's all that matters, the little steps and being the bigger person....Good luck!

Terralyn - posted on 05/17/2011

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I would say you are definately not wrong as long as his girls know you are not trying to replace their mother. As for those who say you have to be legally married to claim to be step mom, they are wrong there, in Canada after living together for 6 months you are common law and not having a piece of paper doesn't mean you don't have a commitment, also he was married to their mom and that didn't last so the piece of paper doesn't count. If you are living with their dad you are their stepmom and you are quite right to refer to them as your girls. I coach a team of special needs kids in baseball and i refer to them as my kids. its a way of showing that you care, its not trying to take the mom's place. I have 3 children and my boyfriend has 2, and honestly unless you can feel to some degree that his kids are like your own it will always be yours and mine and you will always be a split family. I think you are doing the right thing. Keep up the good work.

Joy - posted on 05/17/2011

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I agree, ignore it completely when she makes remarks. She is the one who is insecure in her own relationship with her children. I would however refrain from putting anything on Facebook, just because one who wants to cause problems can misconstrue and twist things and use them against you later no matter how up front and loving you are.
Keep it at home where the girls most value your love and all will be good in the end.
I'm a mom of five girls, two of my own and three steps. All grown now into beautiful women despite having a mother who did the same as your experiencing now.
As long as you remain honest and loving with the girls, they will never have a problem with you and that's what counts.
Just don't give that mother any ammunition because she obviously doesn't have a life.

Lizz - posted on 05/17/2011

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Ignore it...you are their mother when they are with you....would she want it to be otherwise?????

Becky - posted on 05/17/2011

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I am a step mother also. I don't think you were out of line at all. I think I'd let your husband deal with her on any issues. She should be thankful that you are a caring and loving step mother instead of a step monster. Some women just don't count their blessings. Good luck.

Cherie - posted on 05/17/2011

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why do you have your boyfriend's ex on your facebook? Honestly, the problem is with his ex-wife and her insecurities. It is totally appropriate to love the girls as your own, that's what makes you a good mom. Now, posting it on facebook may cause you and your boyfriend problems if his x has access to what you write so try to be considerate of her feelings especially where the girls are concerned. Keep your thank you's to your gatherings and try not to complicate your's, your boyfriend's or the girls lives more than necessary.

Anne - posted on 05/17/2011

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This is silly as im sure she would have something to say if u didnt love them and treat them as ur own

Kathy - posted on 05/17/2011

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If they were part of the day and you thanked them then you were right to do so.

Patricia - posted on 05/17/2011

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No - in this life we should be thankful when others care enoughg to love our children as their own.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/17/2011

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What she should've done was called you and thanked you for the love. Why do we put a limit on love? It takes a village to raise them, and you're willing to be apart of that, God bless. Don't miss your blessing because of her insecurities as a mother, keep on loving those girls and your reward will show by the way they love you back!

Melissa - posted on 05/17/2011

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You are definitely not wrong at all. It is a lose lose situation b/c just like another mom said " if you didn't include them then she would have said you didn't like her girls" just keep doing what your doing! Which is the right thing by including your boyfriends children :)

Delma - posted on 05/17/2011

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No you were not wrong. If yo hadnt acknowledge them she would have said you dont like her kids.

Jenni - posted on 05/17/2011

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Whoa! She is pretty ungrateful! If I were in her shoes I would try and look on the bright side; he is with someone who is treating her girls with love and respect. Try goggling CNN justice sometime, there are a lot of monsters out there mistreating their boyfriends/girlfriends children, its just heart-breaking. I would just ignore it and bless you for being such a wonderful role model to those girls. :)

Amanda - posted on 05/17/2011

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I agree with all the other comments as far as you were not in the wrong, I really wish my ex husbands new wife was like that with my children, instead all it is is drama and she mistreats my children. I give 2 thumbs up to any woman that is a good step mom!! My fiance and i have been together for 4 yrs and he has custody of his 2 children and I treat them as my own just as he does with mine. Good luck with the baby momma drama!

Kelsie - posted on 05/17/2011

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I dont think so she is just jealous! my boyfriend has 1 boy and 3 girls and i love them as my own, i have them as my children on facebook and my family accepts them as my family. they do live with us fulltime but i feel regardless they are a part of your life and how could you not love them as your own???

Iris - posted on 05/17/2011

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No, you are not wrong for doing that !! If you love his daughters as if they were your own, then that is great because their are not to many women who would take the responsibility of another man's child.. I am going to tell u a story.. When I first me my soon to be ex husband he had a three year old son who is now 22. I took on the responsibility of him when he was three and raised him , even though he had his real mom around once in awhile. Well now he is 22 and he lives with me and i am his mom. So, dont worry about it.. She is just jealous !!!

Danielle - posted on 05/17/2011

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My opinion you're not wrong. I would do the same. But in the same place put you in her shoes. ITs hard to see your own kids call someone else mom ? I wouldn't change a thing tho. Keep your head up and keep raising those kids as they were your own!!

Lauren - posted on 05/17/2011

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I don't think you are wrong AT ALL. But, why is she your friend on FB anyway???? Tell her to keep off your page!! ;)

Mickenzie - posted on 05/17/2011

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dealing with ex baby mom drama and kids is a veryyy haed and difficult journey but its sooooooo worth it I wouldn't have it anyother way. The situtation has brough my fiances son "my son" and I soooo close because he's birth mother and my birth mother are both similar and treats us horrible. he's five years old but he knows what's up he's brilliant. Beibg young doesn't make him dumb. He sees straight through the bull and has started opening up to me about it things just recently we share the same bond he's unsderstands my situation with my mom and I understand his.

Mickenzie - posted on 05/17/2011

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dealing with ex baby mom drama and kids is a veryyy haed and difficult journey but its sooooooo worth it I wouldn't have it anyother way. The situtation has brough my fiances son "my son" and I soooo close because he's birth mother and my birth mother are both similar and treats us horrible. he's five years old but he knows what's up he's brilliant. Beibg young doesn't make him dumb. He sees straight through the bull and has started opening up to me about it things just recently we share the same bond he's unsderstands my situation with my mom and I understand his.

Aracely - posted on 05/17/2011

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Well, first of all, how does she have access to your posts on Facebook? I can see why she would be upset but unfortunately with a divorce that's just one of the things that comes with the territory. This is her issue and not yours. She will have to work through it and should be thankful that you love her daughters and treat them well.

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