Am I wrong for not allowing my daughter to attend my ex-husbands wedding?

Katherine - posted on 10/21/2011

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♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/21/2011

I definitely say send her. I have a less than stellar relationship with my older daughter's father, but I still try to let her have a relationship with him. He never invited her to his wedding so I can imagine how hard it was last year to go down to visit him and see most pictures there without her. You should put aside your feelings for him and just let your daughter go. Your daughter will decide for herself when she gets older what she feels about her father.

Christine - posted on 10/21/2011

The wedding pictures will last her whole life if she not in them are you prepared in 20 years to explain, This decision will be recorded in history and I say it feels bad to send her now but worse when she sees she was exclude.

Cynthia - posted on 10/21/2011

I think she should go, but compromise. Does he really need to have your daughter for the entire weekend? Let him have your daughter just for the day of the wedding. That way she gets to attend the wedding and you still get part of your weekend. Everyone gets something instead of just one person getting what they want.

Carolee - posted on 10/21/2011

It sucks! (I live in Indiana)

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/21/2011

LOl Sherri, thanks, I learn something new every day on here :) Oh! Only certain counties in Indiana do DST, how'd you like to live there?

Sherri - posted on 10/21/2011

Meggy - Hawaii and Arizona are the only two states in the US that do not follow DST.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/21/2011

Alicia, I thought the only state that didn't do Daylight savings time was Arizona (I have a friend there and 1/2 the year we're in the same time and the other 1/2 she's an hour ahead) We don't turn the clocks back here (I live in BC) until next month.

Sarah,that was pretty rude, did you read a lot of the posts?

Alicia - posted on 10/21/2011

Meggy- We are five hours behind when the states gain an hour an we are for when they lose an hour. I forgot that daylight savings time has already happened up there when I posted.

Michelle - posted on 10/21/2011

Sarah: you may want to read all the posts, especially the ones from the OP.

Katherine - posted on 10/20/2011

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Andrea - posted on 10/20/2011

If he wanted her there, why didn't he schedule his wedding on his weekend with her?? He should have thought of that when he wouldn't switch with you all that time! I deal with the same crap in my family. But... for your daughter's advantage I would let her go if she wants to.... It is ultimately her that is going to deal with the consequenses of either discision. That obviously is a major family event and she needs to feel apart of that family too.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/20/2011

Alicia, the moms must not know math, Wisconsin is in the Central time zone so you only have a 4 hour difference.

I agree with what most of these moms have said. I had a bad divorce from my 7 year old's father and he doesn't contact her saying that the time difference is too hard (I live in British Columbia and he lives in Georgia it's 3hrs all you need to do is 1st grade math!) And he was trying to tell the judge I was keeping our daughter from him by moving to British Columbia from New York. But hey I won sole custody the first time and I still have it.

However I was lucky enough to be raised with both my parents unlike my ex, my current husband and my older daughter. So I want her to try and have a relationship with her daughter and it hurts that he doesn't try harder (sending a birthday gift isn't trying harder) And our daughter wasn't included in his wedding. He was married in CA where his wife is from with just her daughter and her family. Even though when he was in Iraq and she was in Ft Drum she tried to say she wanted to 'continue the bond she had established with my daughter'- who wasn't even 2 at the time.

You should be glad that your daughter's soon to be step mom is someone who (hopefully) genuinely loves your daughter and that her dad does have visits with her that he keeps. My ex can't even do a simple video chat once a week even when we were in the same time zone.

I agree it is a bit strange that since her father was planning the wedding and wanted your daughter there that he didn't want to include her in his wedding. But you can ask him about that when you all talk about the arrangements he's making for your daughter for the one day. It's hard to be the bigger person, but it does help you in court.

Alicia - posted on 10/20/2011

You know, I have 2 step daughters ages 5 & 4. They both have different mothers. Both of my step daughters live in Wisconsin while we live in Hawaii because of my Husband's job. Their mothers both have already had babies by other men, his oldest daughter's mom is remarried (my husband was never married to his oldest daughter's mom). His middle daughter's mom is "engaged" to her new babies father. (they were married and divorced) Their mother's do not attempt to contact my husband at all. Their excuse is "there is too much of a time difference." We are 5 hours behind them and none of them work on the weekends. I tell my husband the phone works both ways and he does attempt to contact them. Recently, we were in Wisconsin for almost a month and we had both girls including our daughter together. He treated all the girls equally as best he could. Our daughter is almost 11 months old. I think your daughter should be allowed to go to her father's wedding. But NOT including her IN THE WEDDING is messed up. My husband and I got married at the court house, but we are planning an actual wedding (hopefully) when he gets back from his tour. I have already told him that I would like for the girls to be in the wedding. I also ask their mothers for permisson dealing with anything.

She is 3 years old, think about if she was old enough to comphrend, say 8 and ask "mom, why wasn't I APART of dad's wedding?" I don't think she would mind if you explained to her why she wasn't able to go or resent you. It's your decision and she will love you no matter what you decide to let her do.

Iysha - posted on 10/19/2011

why not ask your daughter if she wants to go to the wedding or to do the thing you wanted to do with her? i am not with my daughter's father and he is not allowed to see her however, if he was, and we had joint custody and i was in the same situation, i would call him and let him know that i did not appreciate the inconsideration he showed towards me and that i would allow our daughter to go to his wedding. However, if i have a special event to go to in the future, i would expect for him to allow her to go with me. I would set guidelines for the wedding such as drop off times and pick up times (maybe for the ceremony and a couple hours of the reception).

it is important for her to be a part of your ex's wedding. i do agree that you should not bend over backwards for your ex, you should do first and foremost what is in your daughter and your best interest. special occasions such as this should be the exception though. Your daughter does not need to spend the whole weekend, or even that whole day with your ex, just a couple hours to be a part of the big day. No switching of the weekends is necessary.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/19/2011

Kids are smarter than you think. You should let her go to this wedding, which your daughter's father didn't even think to include her in. Let her continue her visits and everything else. Someday she'll see how he is. My older daughter is 7 and she already sees how her father is compaired to her step dad.

Teresa - posted on 10/19/2011

OK... now that I HAVE read responses. I do take back the 'petty' comment and I definitely sympathize w/ your feelings. Hang in there.... She'll be 18 in 15 more years and then you (hopefully) won't have to deal w/ your ex much at all. At least that's what I tell myself when it comes to MY situation.... ;)

Teresa - posted on 10/19/2011

W/out reading all 64 responses yet.... I think you are being petty. Would it have been NICE for him to switch w/ you.... of course it would've, but he was under no obligation to do so. Now, you are under no obligation to switch either... of course, but really?! It's a wedding and it's ONE weekend! Does your daughter love her father and would she want to be there? If the answer to that is yes... then you are most certainly wrong to refuse this.

Jill - posted on 10/19/2011

I didn't read all the posts, so I apologize if someone already said this...but you need to let her go to her fathers wedding, despite your feelings towards him...how would you feel if your daughter wasn't at YOUR wedding?? It could happen that your wedding (if you ever get married again) could fall on his weekend and he might not let her go...be the bigger person and let her go. Grow up and do whats best for your daughter, not you.

Michelle - posted on 10/19/2011

I have been in a similar situation to you (3 family court trials all instigated by my ex to get custody of our 2 children and I am a normal woman so he never had a chance) and the number of lies etc he has told and the number of times I have given in because "if I'm nice then maybe he will be nice back" and 10 years later he still isn't (even after saving his life when he had a brain haemorrhage when my kids were with him and they called me and my husband to help them! ) - top that one!! lol - but I have always allowed my kids to do stuff that was important to their relationship with him and his family - for them not for him. I think your daughter should go to the wedding, but as it's your weekend just make it for the wedding only, not the whole weekend, she's only 3 so won't remember anything much about what was going on besides the actual day. Being 'nice' to my ex for the sake of my children has NEVER done ME any good, but it has helped my children enormously.

Valerie - posted on 10/19/2011

That is sad that she won't be in any wedding photos. That may make her not feel like she was really a part of the family. Four days out of a month is not very often to see a Dad. I can't understand why he doesn't want more time with her. Be that as it may taking this away from her is selfish. The Dad may be a jerk but he is her Dad and behavior like this will only hurt your daughter. Think of her and her future and not getting back at or training the ex. This is not the time to train or dicipline him. That is great that you didn't restrict his visitation because of his future wife living with him. It is so important that a child is with both parents. My daughter adores her Dad and I can't imagine taking her away from him. So when I here of people not letting their children see their parents I get upset, unless they are a bad parent then by all means don't allow them to see them. Keeping a child away from a parent is torcher and doesn't make them feel loved.

Jodie - posted on 10/19/2011

Your daughter will resent you if you don't let her go

Jennifer - posted on 10/19/2011

Try 10-10-10. 10 minutes from now, will it matter that your daughter was not at the wedding. 10 months from now, how will it be if she attends/doesn't attend (how will it be for her relationship with her father, for your relationship with her father And your relationship with her)? 10 years from now, when she's a teenager, how will it affect her if she is able to attend the wedding/not able to be at the wedding. How will she feel about your decision now? THe biggest thing you have to think about, as maddening as it is, is your daughter. How will all this affect her. Take yourself out of the picture. Hang in there!

Kelina - posted on 10/19/2011

I agree wtih Teresa I wouldn't arrange your whole life but i would make the exception for the wedding. And then when she looks back and asks why she's not in the pictures, you can go i'm not sure you were there! I see this from her side as well because my dad had me in his wedding but i grew up knowing he didn't really want me around. However, my mom always supported my choices and tried hard not to let me see how annoyed she was that he was such a jerk! I eventually came to the same opnion-he was a jerk! still is come to think of it lol

Teresa - posted on 10/19/2011

I wouldn't rearrange your "whole life" but I would make an exception for the weekend of the wedding.

Nikki - posted on 10/19/2011

Christina, I think you know what is best. You are her mother, after-all. You don't need anbody else's opinion or validation. She is your child and I am sure you have her best interest at heart. Do what your heart and gut tell you and too heck with what anyone else thinks.

Rachael - posted on 10/19/2011

This is about your daughter not you and your ex husband non ability to get on and compromise with each other. I think it would be a big mistake not to let her attend as she could resent you for this later. I think you need to put all your problems with your ex aside and let her attend.

Soumi - posted on 10/19/2011

Come on ladies! Give Christina a break. All those of you who have asked her to be the non-selfish, "bigger" person, first show your compassion to her. She has been suffering, and she has a right to feel angry and hurt. It is SHE who is taking care of her daughter everyday!

Having said that, Christina, for the sake of your daughter's future with her dad make concession just this once. Also, you don't want to look back ten years later and wish that you could have done things differently.

But I understand your frustration and if you are angry, don't beat yourself about it, you have the right to be, specially when you have the sole custody of your daughter and taking responsibility for her on a daily basis.

Angela - posted on 10/19/2011

Ok, I've been there somewhat. My ex refused my rights to see my son when I wanted. He took advantage of the fact I was an over the road truck driver at the time and wasn't home often. Anyhow, Even though he has been a pig, he may in the long run decide to hold it above your head and talk down about you to her. You don't want that either. You don't have to take his crap demanding everything be his way. Here's the thing. There is no easy solution to this without it affecting your daughter. She'll be caught up in what he says to her.

If you're anything like I am, you don't speak in a negative way against her father where she can here. If he wants his daughter to truly be 'a part' of the new family, he should be including her "in" the wedding. Not compromising can harm a child more than it can help. So as far as allowing her to go, I would, but afterwards I would set some ground rules. Even if it means taking him back to court. If you can't do that, because of money, write up rules that you and him both can agree to.

Both of you sit down together and write them out, putting your feelings aside, take it to a notary republic, and sign it. You can have a copy and him have a copy. That way he can't say later he didn't agree to it, he can't say but..but...but...but... It's in writing and he has to respect it.

I hope this helps!

Michele - posted on 10/19/2011

Thanks Erin H. for your post....although I can agree with everyone's assessment that Christine's daughter should go to the wedding, I don't believe she should be painted as vindictive and immature. I have an ex that sounds like yours Christine, so I can completely understand your plight. However, like I said, Erin hit it on the head, you don't want to look back and know that YOU prevented her from going to the wedding of her father and step mom-to-be (they'll probably be very close too, so get ready to embrace that too). A wedding is particularly fun for little kids - getting dressed up pretty and being in the wedding pictures is something she'll want to experience.
So sorry he's been such the jerk, but perhaps you'll be able to get him to make better concessions in the future, especially if you concede this time. You have to take in consideration what folks here are saying, "think about what's best for the little one right now, not so much about your feelings".

I don't believe you're mean spirited - but this will not reflect well and I believe will haunt you in the future, leaving feeling regretful.
Good luck - be happy - stay strong.

"When we bring forth inner strength, the whole landscape is transformed; everything looks completely different" - Daisaku Ikeda

Michele G.

Jessica - posted on 10/19/2011

Sounds to me there is some resentment between you and your ex. Which is fine, if it's kept between the two of you. Yes, it was wrong for him to not switch weekends with you. Your time with your daughter is more important than a weekend with a potential step-sister. However, let that stay between the two of you. Attending her father's wedding is pretty important, even though she is 3 and she may not remember it, she will be in photos and such. Plus you said this woman has been nice to your daughter. And I agree, it's cowardly for your ex not to call and ask himself, but instead he sent his mother into enemy's territory (lol). I'm guess he was expecting hostility and was trying to avoid it. I say you be the better person and call him up and let him know that your daughter will be attending the wedding. Don't mention that it's your weekend to have her, but also allow her to still go visit on his designated weekend. By you being the bigger person right now, will calm tension hopefully and make everything else down the road much easier. I hope this helps.

Sherri - posted on 10/19/2011

Just remember when she looks back at pictures from daddy's wedding and asks the question where was I daddy. Why wasn't I at your wedding and his answer is your mother wouldn't let you come. How do you think she will think of you then??

Nikki - posted on 10/19/2011

Seriously, he should have planned his mariage at a time that he knew he woudl have his daughter. Sounds liek his soon to be bride swapped weekends so now he wants to. Where was either of their consideration while you were married and when you asked to swap? If he were to get married on a weekend he had his child...fine. He chosses to get married when you have your daughter then, that was his choice. She is three and unless he or his new wife put undur stress on her, she will not even reaiize she missed anything. Hold to your guns. You are doing what you were court ordered to and that is all you are responsible for.

Julianne - posted on 10/19/2011

I completely understand where your coming from. However it is wrong for you to not allow your daughter to attend her fathers wedding. How do you think she is going to feel when she realizes you wouldn't let her attend? She is going to resent you. You need to be the bigger person and suck it up. It was suggested that you get in writing a conformation of swapping weekends to one of your choice so she can attend. Thats a good idea.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/19/2011

I've been in a simular situation myself with my older daughter's father. My ex is a very selfish person who only contacts our daughter when he feels it suits him and she never went to his wedding to her new step mom (oh do not get me started on that mess)

I feel you should allow you daughter to attend, but only after he agrees in writing to allow you to switch another weekend of your choice. And he should also let you know who will be watching your daughter. My ex didn't let me know that last year when our daughter went to visit him in GA (I lived in NY at the time and now live in BC) that he would still be working and she would be staying with his son's babysitter.

Just remember you have full custody, you get to decide everything else your daughter does. Just let him have one weekend... then you can watch the wheels turn in his head wondering what you're up to.

I know how bad divorces can be (My ex and I divorced before our daughter was even a year old) but you shouldn't try to keep your daughter from her father on one day. Although I do wonder why she wasn't asked to be in the wedding since she is his child too.

Sherri - posted on 10/19/2011

I would definitely let her go. I understand your point but it is extremely important for her to be there and you are really punishing her by not letting her attend.

Kimmy - posted on 10/19/2011

I think HE needs to ask you (not his mom). And then you can make arrangements. I'd be asking who will be watching your 3 yr old (3 yr olds still have to be watched) while all the wedding festivities are going on (since she isn't in the wedding). And who will be taking care of her to make sure she is ok? I think you need to know all that before you can really give him an answer.

Maybe you can use that day to "swap" a holiday that is important to you. I wouldn't just give him the day... but a proper swap (one important day for him = 1 important day for you). Maybe if he see's how you can be flexible than in the future he'll understand how to be flexible too (incase your schedule changes again).

Good Luck

Gretchen - posted on 10/19/2011

The year of weekends and this particular weekend should be 2 separate issues. Let her go.

Bridget - posted on 10/19/2011

I posted earlier concerning the wedding day itself (as it is a rare and very special occasion for your daughter). As for the normal schedule, I advise you to have your daughter with you on your weekends off from work. That is your special time with her and your ex will have to see it that way in order to put his daughter first....anyway, just my opinion and good luck to you on it. The book really helped me.

Bridget - posted on 10/19/2011

Hi Cristina, I feel for you. It was because of having to go to parenting classes and reading the book. "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce" that my ex and I finally got to a good place with our daughter. Now she is a very happy 15 year old. Please allow your daughter to go to the wedding. You will be glad you did years from now when she can go through the photo album and see herself there with all her cousins and step-sister etc. You can make a deal with him that you get an extra weekend too, and mark it on the calendar as a done deal. Now, my daughter decides her own schedule (along with me and my ex) and she really understands fairness and working together. Good luck and read the book. It gets better. Best to you!

Ivana - posted on 10/19/2011

Think about it from your daughter's perspective not yours or your husbands. She'll see pictures of her dad's wedding years from now and the fact that she won't be in any of the pictures will boil down to you didn't let her go. I know it's painful to feel like you're giving more than your fair share but that's the lot of being a good mommy right? No one sacrifices more for their kids than a good mommy.I agree with you about not swapping the weekends and miss out on your time, but the wedding is a special occassion and you should let her go.

Christian - posted on 10/19/2011

Girl u bitter but that don't matter cuz u seem to be over it! Which is good! U showed them what u meant when u said "no" u stood ur ground. Girl go take ur baby on vacation.one thing I can't figure why is u asking him to keep his own child? He should be glad to do it. As far as im concern with the new wife " so"she don't matter. She probably. Lucky to be pregnant cuz u sound like u would put cutting on that Behind !! Just joking. U right for not allowing ur child to go when u needed him he push u away like u unless and then when he need help he thinks u should drop everything to catier to him and his new family? Dont thinks! Then he has his momma ask u? What a punk? Girl go your vaction with ur baby and enjoy and write back and let us know! LOL!! He asked his momma to ask u? LOL!!

Lady Heather - posted on 10/19/2011

Yes, you are wrong. He hasn't been honourable either, but somebody has to step up and stop using the kid as a pawn. This is your opportunity to be the better person. Years from now your daughter could see the pictures from his wedding and wonder why she wasn't there. Do you really want that reason to be you? Kids pick up on this crap. It sucks, but well...that's divorce. Hopefully if you are reasonable on this issue he'll learn to be more reasonable in the future. Don't dish out what you wouldn't want to get in return. It's called the golden rule, right?

Kate CP - posted on 10/19/2011

I can appreciate you being pissed at your ex. He's a schmuck. If he wasn't a schmuck you'd probably still be married and this wouldn't even be an issue. BUT, he's a schmuck and now we're dealing with a kid who's going to get caught in the middle if some one doesn't step up to the plate.

Sounds like you're willing to swallow your pride and let your kiddo see her dad on his wedding day, which is good! I applaud you for that! If it were ME I would probably write my ex a note along the lines of:

"I want you to understand that I love my daughter more than I dislike your choices and actions. I don't appreciate your behavior in regards to planning visitations and working with me on custody issues. BUT, I am letting our daughter be with you on this very important day because it's important to me that she sees a united front, even if we aren't married to each other. I am doing this for HER. You can expect that we will be revisiting our custody arrangements shortly after your wedding."

Katherine - posted on 10/19/2011

***Admin Warning***

The OP is asking for advice, not how petty she's being or to be personally attacked. I have already deleted posts and sent warnings. Please keep it NICE.

Thanks,
Katherine
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Carolee - posted on 10/19/2011

Christina, you sound almost EXACTLY like my mother. She still complains about how much time we (my sister and me) spend with our dad, his wife, and our little brother. It's to the point where we know that if we take any pictures with them, it will mean weeks of complaining that we are choosing him over her. She sees us and our kids every single week. We see our dad about 2-3 times a year. Children are not property, they are human beings.

Any issues with visitations should be dealt with through the court. If you and your ex simply cannot come to a conclusion without bitterness, it all needs to go through the court system (with the exception of special circumstances).

Jodi - posted on 10/19/2011

Christina, let him have his wedding. I'll be honest, your daughter will thank you later for a certain level of flexibility. Maybe not now, but in the next few years, give thought to being flexible, keep your daughter's feelings in mind, and she will thank you.

My son is 14. His father and I separated when he was 2. I wasn't always so wonderfully patient with the situation. There was a time I played that stupid game too. But honestly, the only person it hurts is the child. I am thankful I learned that early in the piece. My son is happy that I am flexible with his contact with his dad (well, except for the fact that his dad took off a few months ago, but that's another story). Keep the options open. Always.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/19/2011

Meth is a scary addiction, so is alcoholism. I am glad to hear he is trying to improve his life.

Christina - posted on 10/19/2011

Thank God NO!!! If he were, he would not have anything but supervised visitations. It took several months and a lot of time in the lawyers office to convience him I was serious about not allowing that to be a part of my daugthers life. I am actually very proud that he has made a lot of improvements in his life...however, those changes did not include being civil about these kind of matters.

Jodi - posted on 10/19/2011

Um, yeah, that would concern me too.......if he has a history of drug abuse, well that changes how I feel about things too. I would be wanting his visitation supervised. It doesn't change how I feel about the wedding, but visitation in general, well, I'd be reviewing that.