Am I Wrong to Ask?

Elaine - posted on 02/04/2013

I will share with you a general rule of thumb and you can apply it as you feel guided by your inner wisdom.

I don't make requests without a clear agreement. It is key to be direct and honest about your own perception, be sure and leave out what the other party is or is not doing. Most every disagreement can be avoided if all parties were direct and honest from the get go, about their own feelings and needs. It is also key to make sure everyone involved agrees that it is a win/win. This eliminates the possibility of resentment of guilt.

I am hearing that you are frustrated because you have a need for cooperation and connection. If that is not it, then get really clear on what your feelings and needs are. Share them honestly and openly. Leave out any language that blames or accuses the other, Like "you make me mad or you are making me feel left out" This is how you give your power away to others. No one can argue with someone sharing their feelings and needs. Be sure and listen for his needs and feelings and you may need to give a lot of empathy to help me figure out his feelings and needs. Just repeat back to him, like I did to you, what you think you are hearing him say and even if you are not right on, he will feel loved and it will help him clarify further.

You can get the book, "Non-Violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg to learn how this method works. It's a beautiful way to communicate, but our society has not taught us how to do it. We are so used to playing the victim.

I hope this resonates. Blessings!

Crystal - posted on 02/04/2013

In my situation, the house my family lives in now- I purchased before I got married. I've been married 6 years and it is still in my name only. I would add him if he wanted to be added, but he doesn't care either way. The unforseen benefit of this, that we didn't know was coming: My husband was in a pretty bad accident, which he was at fault. When they looked into suing him they couldn't, because he had nothing of value.....including our house. Obviously it wasn't planned that way, but it worked to our benefit. We have a very large insurance policy, so the other person was well taken care of, but wanted more.

If you get married, I say ask for your name to be on the title, if it's that important to you, but in the big skeem of life, is your health and happiness dependent on your name being tied to this house on a piece of paper? The man wants to buy you a house, I think that's pretty awesome. Don't get greedy, because he could easily blow that money somewhere else.

Ashley - posted on 02/03/2013

Oh and to the below statements about common law living - that varies by state. Not all states have common law dwelling laws and each state that does has varying years up to 10... Don't count on that to get a "stake" in what you think is yours... lawyers add up in those court battles pretty quiclky

Ashley - posted on 02/03/2013

You are not wrong to ask - but neither is he to say no.

However - I am in a similar situation, but with a mortgage. My boyfriend does not pay for repairs, taxes, insurance, etc - nor would I expect him to - he isn't on the deed.

I would think your BF would not expect you to pay for things for the house as mentioned in my above sentence. My BF instead pays me a small rent to help offset my costs ( a decent amount, but not as much as I could get from renting a room) and I pay the bills.

We do both put in sweat hours - we are a team - but financially speaking we have things mostly separate. We do have a daughter together and a few bills. We have a joint account that we each put the same amount into every month for things like internet, car insurance, home phone, trash, bottled water, food... then our personal accounts for everything else. He writes me a separate check for rent.

For ease of things I would not do joint on house until you are married. It gets complicated and each side has valid points. I would come to an agreement as if you are both not happy once he buys - then the relationship will only go downhill. You both need to compromise and find something you are both happy with.

Candra - posted on 02/02/2013

Typical case of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Why marry you when YOU won't make him? Why commit himself to you when he doesn't have to? Why consider your feelings when you do not make him? Why add you to his home/finances when you won't make him? 9 years is a very long time to allow someone else to dictate the stability of your future (as well as your kid). Grow up and woman up.......

Amber - posted on 02/02/2013

yep, common law is that if you have been living together for over 2 years then everything is part-owned by you anyway. However, if you haven't been supporting him and he has been paid out etc, it's not your money, why would you expect this. Its his money to do as he pleases. As long as he is not mooching off you, you have no right to have your name on the title, you aren't paying for it!!!

Rebecca - posted on 02/02/2013

The problem is, if he decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore, he can tell you to get out because he has the house and you have nothing. I would be careful, because if he isn't willing to marry you, then you have given all those years to him for nothing.

Jannette - posted on 02/02/2013

He should if you are contributing half of the expenses and you are in a committed relationship. However if you do not want to push the issue then he should draft a will in which you inherent the property, this way should something happen to him his child will have a home. But honestly I would make it an issue to get my name on the title because you may not be entitled to any type of reimbursement should your relationship no longer work out.

Rose - posted on 02/02/2013

Because he is about to get a settlement, and if he did sign his name on the birth certificate, I'd leave and request half of it for child support and leave him. If he wont marry you by now OR put your name on anything to be shared then there is no real reason to stay unless you're staying for "the child", well then that's a wrong reason altogether.

As a first year undergraduate Paralegal, IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED YOU WILL GET ANYTHING !

get everything notarized, in writing and documented of some kind!!

Diane - posted on 02/02/2013

This is exactly the reason that women who have children with men should think long and hard about marrying them. Should he have been killed in that accident, you would not be benefitting from Social Security. I'm shocked that he thinks so little of you, and of his child, to put you in a situation where you won't benefit should he die. I would not want a man like that in my life. Were you married, the home would automatically be yours, because it already would be. Get my point? He doesn't care enough. You need someone else in your life who'll treat you with more respect and lifelong concern. Yes, your child would get Social Security, but, you wouldn't, whereas were you married, you would for the rest of your life. Explain all of this to him, about the stability of you and your child, should he not be there for you, and then make whatever move you need to.

Mardi - posted on 02/02/2013

I am thinking he wants it all into his name so that if something does happen in the future, he can show that this is where his settlement went too, in whole, in his name etc, thus it will be his.

This could be ok, as long as for the duration, you may save the equivilant of rent or mortgage payments, to accumulate for the purchase of a property for you in your own name, so that incase of things going wrong, you have somewhere to go or the money to buy someplace to go.

A lot will depend on the laws in your area, but you may be able to have a binding financial agreement (pre-nup) written up so that both of you are provided for in the matter of a breakdown in the relationship. I'd also seek legal advice to what your rights would be in the immenant future if he did put his whole settlement into the house etc.

Jodi - posted on 02/01/2013

Well, where I live, it wouldn't matter one way or the other. If something happened to your relationship, or to your boyfriend, your relationship would be considered de facto by common law, and it would still be considered common property and divided/inherited accordingly. Check out the laws where you live.