Any other step moms out there?

Jen - posted on 06/26/2009 ( 546 moms have responded )

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I am a step mom of a 10 year old and a 12 year old. I have lots of friends who are moms, but none who are step moms. It's a difficult place to be and I'm looking for others who know what it's like.

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Lisa - posted on 07/02/2009

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there's plenty of us out there & most are more than willing to share their advice/opinion. There's actually a "community" on Circle of Moms called "stepmoms" check it out... there's all kinds of helpful topics/discussions on there for stepmoms. I have an 18 yr old stepson that I've helped raised since he was 4 1/2yrs old. He lived w/my husband & I from age 9-14... it was very trying @ times, but I still love him just the same. There's alot of "hidden rules" & gray areas out their for stepmoms... check out the other community, it'll help you not feel so alone. :)

Jaclyn - posted on 07/02/2009

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I am a stepmom to a 9 yr old boy and then we have 2 of our own - 5yrs and 3yrs - all boys. I am in the same boat, of not having many friends who are stepparents to talk to. It helps me to share stories and get support form others in the same situation.

Theresa - posted on 07/02/2009

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I am a step-mom to a 5 year old little boy, I have been in his life since before he was even 1, it has been very hard for me. Me and my husband have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together. There seems to be 2 sets of rules in my household. There is an age difference with out situations, but I will try to answer what I can.

Connie - posted on 07/02/2009

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Jennifer,



I could not agree with you more.  This person obviously had a very traumatic childhood.  The children need to see that you adore/respect their father and that he is a good man and that he  adores/respects you and treats you as a good woman.  In some ways, children learn affection/respetct too.  To stay away when the child says or to engage when the child says in making the child "wise in their own eyes".  I paraphrase that from "Raising your child God's way".  This creates bigger issues for them as adults as obviously brought to light here. 




Quoting Jennifer:



Quoting Joyc:

IF THE 12 YEAR OLD IS A GIRL WATCH OUT, I AM NOT A STEP-MOM, BUT A GROWN STEP-CHILD, PEOPLE ARE SELFISH WHEN THEY CAN'T WAIT AND SINCE YOU HAVE NO REAL PARENTING EXPERIENCE IT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE, DO NOT TRY TO BE THEIR MOTHER, THEY HAVE ONE. LET THEM COME TO YOU WHEN THEY WANT TO AND STAY AWAY WHEN THEY DON'T WANT YOU, DON'T KISS AND HUG ALL OVER THEIR DAD IN FRONT OF THEM AND LET HIM METER OUT THE DISCIPLINE. I CAN TELL YOU STORIES. I HAD TWO STEP-SISTERS, A STEP-MOTHER AND MY POOR DAD WAS IN THE MIDDLE, PLEASE CONTACT ME, I CAN OUREALLY REALLY HELP YOU IF YOU WANT TO LIVE A PEACEFUL LIFE






With all due respect, I'm not sure you are the person I want to go to for advice.  It sounds like you had a horrible experience yourself, which doesn't necessarily make you an expert on the subject.  I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with your own step mother.  I feel like I do have a lot of parenting experience, having taught kindergarten and first grade for 13 years and having been with my twin sister through all of her parenting time.  I'm not trying to be their parent, I'm just trying to help raise them in the best way possible.





 

Connie - posted on 07/02/2009

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I am a step mom to two girls 8 and 14. I have a daughter of my own that is 5. When I met my husband, they were 3, 5, and 11. So I went into instantaneous shock with the teenage issues. So I don't even know what its like but would love to chat about how to make it better or at least cope with it.

Jen - posted on 07/02/2009

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I have two little guys, 6 and almost 8. It has been a very difficult time as the Mother has told these little guys that they don't have to respect me or do what I say! Their father and I try our best to let them know that they have been given some bad advise about what they have been told. It is frustrating and I don't quite know what to do next. It seems like the longer we are together the worse it gets. I need some good advise! Sometimes, I don't want to be in my home when they come cuz you never know what each visit will bring!

[deleted account]

I sure do know what it is like. I have an 11 yr old step daughter. She lives with me full time and it is really hard. Plus I have 2 younger ones of my own. They are 3 and 1. She is a little bit of a hand full especially with the attitude and the way she was brought up by her mother when she was younger but I am dealing with it to the best of my ability.

[deleted account]

I sure do know what it is like. I have an 11 yr old step daughter. She lives with me full time and it is really hard. Plus I have 2 younger ones of my own. They are 3 and 1. She is a little bit of a hand full especially with the attitude and the way she was brought up by her mother when she was younger but I am dealing with it to the best of my ability.

Shannon - posted on 07/02/2009

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I am a stepmom to a 4 yr old. I know how it feels, I ma here if you ever want to talk. Shannon

Alia - posted on 07/02/2009

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im a step mom to a 4 year old...i totally agree you dont understand the feeling until u are one your self...its very complicated

Valerie - posted on 07/02/2009

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Being a stepmother is so hard. I have two stepdaughters, one 11 and the other 7. I love my nephews more than my stepkids too. And I would be lying if I said it didn't make me feel guilty. They didn't ask for their parents to get divorced. But it also doesn't change the fact how they are being raised completely gets on my nerves. My husband suffers from Divorced Dad Syndrome. He is so worried they will get mad at him that he lets them do whatever they want. And their mother is raising them pretty much the same way.

I'm a teacher too, so you would think I would be better at dealing with two kids that aren't mine. But I think it is harder when it is in your own home and you can't escape at the end of the day. If you want to talk, just send me a message. I think we have probably got a lot in common. Good luck :)

Jen - posted on 07/02/2009

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Quoting Julia:

Hi Jennifer, I've got a 10yr old stepdaughter. Sounds like you're having a tough time. We're here for you if you need to vent.


Actually, I'm NOT having that tough of a time, especially compared to lots of other people who have posted!  I was just looking for someone who understood what it's like!  :)  Now, after reading some of these posts, I feel very fortunate to be in my situation!  My kids are great-for the most part-besides the general puberty thing, and I get along well with their mom.  I'm sure things will get harder as their hormones continue to rage, but I'll just have to remember that they can't help it :)

Shannon - posted on 07/02/2009

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I am a step mom to a 11 yr old girl, and my usband and i have a 2yr old son. I have been in her life for 3 years she is a wounderful girl. When her father and I met I had his family her mother and my now husband watching every move i made with her. My husband had a longterm relationship with another female befor me and not until the broke up did it come out that she treated his daughter like crap. So of course i paied for what she did. When we decided to get married (after 4months of dating) I sat down with her mom and said :"I love her as if she were mine i would never put her in harms way or do anything to her that i did not want at her age. If there is ever a question on my parenting skills or what I decied for her come to me as a women and i will do the same." With the vowes that i said to her father I turned to her and said vowes to her as a step mom and friend i then gave her a family madalion to help her understand the Unity of our family. When her brother came I could not ask for more in her she says he is hers i just had him for her. The word Step mom and step daughter is not a bad thing in our family My son now calls her mom JuJu. I call her my ex-wife-in-law. my step daughter jokes and says that she has a brother from another mother. We have made a bad situation for her into a very good thing a very loving thing for her. My husband and I gave up our jobs and home to move to be closer to her so that she will not miss out with her brother, or her brother with her. My husband now gets along with his exwife and both familys say because of me. I am a medator i guess. So i wrote all of this to say.What works for some may not work for others each family is different.I have a few friends that are step parents and theire relations ship with the kids and ex are nowhere colse to what mine is.. So the best advise I can give is be yourself dont let the child run over you. or the x for that matter. both will try to play you against your partner. but once you show tham that you will not back down. they have no excuse but to live iwth you . It will be there choice if the time spent is good or bad. Being a step parrent will try you beond what you think you could ever be tried. BE YOURSELF

Cheryl - posted on 07/02/2009

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I will be a stepmom for a year in Aug. to a 28 and a 18 year old and a stepgrandma to a 8 year old plus have a 19 and 12 year old of my own. I am 41 and in mom mode and he is 50 and in grandpa mode. The main problem that I have had is the teen stuff and the mom that doesn`t like things to run smooth in our home so will start crap all on her own. So of course the teen is torn and must agree with what ever her mom says or does witch doesn`t turn out to be nice at all. The main problem we have is mom tells dad everthing is his falt no matter what it is. The biggest thing is living in his home because it is been thier home for 15years and they don`t like change so of course the 18 year old likes to say its my house and not yours so we have solved the problem and bought a home together and now it is all of ours home.He handles his children and I handle mine at this time because we do things a little differant and that is what the kids know what to expect and I`m more firm with my children because of being a single working mom for 14years. He on the other hand is not as firm as I am and is getting a real hard time with the teen until she gets her way. So he has found out firmer is better then the children no what the rules are with out any question.Its all about respect for each other.

LeeAnna - posted on 07/02/2009

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i am a step mother to 2 one boy (8) one girl (6) and we have full custody of them and have ever since they wer little babies we also have our own little one 5 months ago...feel free to mesg me anytime you need to vent being a mother is hard but being a step parent can at times feel impossible :)

Julia - posted on 07/02/2009

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Hi Jennifer, I've got a 10yr old stepdaughter. Sounds like you're having a tough time. We're here for you if you need to vent.

Tisha - posted on 07/02/2009

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I am a step mom of a 16, 22, 30, and 32 year old and I am only 36, now the older girls are not bad but when I first came into there life the oldest didn't like me or the 22 year old boy. But that changed with the older daughter we had a come to jesus session. Now the 22 year old boy has been on drugs and threatend to burn me alive in my on home and also jump in my face time after time. It hasn't been easy for me and lord only knows I have stuck by them and tried to help them. But of course this all was when he was in the ages of 15 to 20. I myself have two children of my own and it was hard for them to see this and they were really scared at times. I don't allow him to live with us, he now lives with his mom but he does come visit which has been great for all of us, since his mom decided to try and be a mom. See I have also raised the 16 year old girl since she was 8 but she is a blessing and I love her and treat her like she is mime and tell everyone she is. So yes I do know what you feel and if you should need anything let me know.

Jamie - posted on 07/02/2009

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I'm a step mom of a 16 yr old and a 12 year old. I've been through alot with them! It's not an easy road to travel mostly because of the mom, the kids are awesome. If you have questions just ask, there isn't much I haven't dealt with!!!

Amy - posted on 07/02/2009

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I should also add that their mother is cool...If I'm out on the porch with the baby she always gets out and talks to me and holds my son...So I guess them seeing that helps alot too...If we weren't cool...I'm sure we would have problems!

Amy - posted on 07/02/2009

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I am a stepmom to a 12 year old boy and a 10 year old girl...I also have a son that will be 12 in August and me and my husband share our 3 month old together...It looks like I have it good...They are actually great...They love me and we get along great...I have never tried to be their mom though...I'm just their friend!!

Michelle - posted on 07/02/2009

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i am a step mom to a 28 year old,26 year old and a 23 year old i have 3 children of my own 17,16 and 13.

yes it is hard with the stepchildren we don't get on even thought i have been with there dad now for 18 years i have tryed so many times but just cant seam to get anywhere with them.

i don't even have a name it's just she or her all the time.

Rebecca - posted on 07/02/2009

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hi jennifer,

my names becky im 28 and i have 3 step children 19(with a daughter and one on the way)16 and 14 yr old boys.its really difficult because the boys live with us and as their older wev'e had untold amounts of problems with them,they come to me for help but when it suits them they turn against me it doesn't help because their mum is a really bad influence on them and resents the relationship i have with them and their dad im not saying there's not a few good times but its really hard going being a step-parent is tough on everyone your kind of stuck in no mans land as your damned if you do and damned if you don't!i love all of them to bits but i have to admit i struggle at times to bite my tongue when things get hard.goodluck with your children and stay strong talk to your husband about any issues that may arrise and set ground rules with him for the children that way they see your a unit they can't penatrate lol best wishes Becky

Jen - posted on 07/01/2009

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Quoting Maggie:

YES!!! I have two step-kids with the same age gap. But mine are 6 and 4! I can totally empathize, I imagine you may have it a bit tougher because of puberty. ( I also have a 15 month old daughter that is ours) But trust me when I say that it is not easy, and you have my total support! :)



Puberty is the WORST!!!  :}

Beth - posted on 07/01/2009

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Hello im a step mom of a handsome 7 year old boy. But to be honest to you i feel like he is mine cause he=is mom dont even bother with him, i feel bad cause he ask about her once in awhile and i really dont knwo what to tell him.

Beth - posted on 07/01/2009

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Hello im a step mom of a handsome 7 year old boy. But to be honest to you i feel like he is mine cause he=is mom dont even bother with him, i feel bad cause he ask about her once in awhile and i really dont knwo what to tell him.

[deleted account]

Quoting Joyc:

BS to the person who said that the step-parent is only trying to do the best. The most important thing for them to realize is just that they are step-parents,not parents,there is a world of difference between those two things and it can not be changed



Wow, this is so untrue! I have a step-Father who is MORE of a Father then my biological one. I would go to him before my father anytime. I was 5 when my parents got married. As for my step-mother, we got along great also and she had say in what I did. Sounds like you are bitter. I'm sorry you had such an awful experience with your step-mother.

Gladys - posted on 07/01/2009

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I am a step mom...it's good and bad..good because you know they can go home...bad because when theydo go home they are have different values there oppsed to the ones you have set in your house..so when they learn the difference it will be better...and ask your husband to support your disisions...that will help alot...

Heather - posted on 07/01/2009

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I have actually considered writing a column all about being a step-mom, a mom, a daughter, and a step-daughter.

I have a (technically ex, cause her father and I divorced 11 years ago) stepdaughter who will be 21 and now I have a 6 year old step daughter... its hard because I see her mom making a lot of the same mistakes Tessa's (my older step daughter) made that pushed her away...not just pushed her away but pushed her to me (which was what she was trying to keep from happening). When Tessa turned 18 she came to live with me and her half sisters.

It is never easy being a step-parent. Venting is the key... if you don't have someone who can listen who understands, I would be happy to be your ear. Best of luck !

[deleted account]

I am a step mom of now older boys....ranging in ages 22-19, and a mom of twin 11 y/o. Blending everyone was challenging at first, but as they got older it was much easier.

[deleted account]

Quoting Kate: I also exchanged vows with the kids during our wedding, they loved being such a  big part of it whether or not they liked the idea of us getting married, I think this made it a lot easier for them.



Quoting Rita:

I just wanted to let you know that when Chad and I were married not only did we say vowes to each other but we also had our vowes to each others children..... Rita





my stepson was not only the ring bearer but we did a candle lighting ceremony where we each lit his candle and then we lit a candle all together.  He went to EVERY dr appointment when I was pregnant with his sister and has been ahuge part of everything in our lives even tho he is only here on weekends.  he's the best and I love him and I always tell him he was my first kid.  his dad's very laid back and sometimes I do get tired of feeling like the bad guy but when daddy's not home and the rules are still the rules he is more accepting and more loving.  I think it's just a phase and who knows what his mom is telling him.  shes a step mom now too and just wants to be their friend..  so well see how long it takes for her to learn.  Good luck...






 





 

[deleted account]

I have a 14 yr old step daughter and a 12 yr old step son, custody of my niece and one of my own! It is def. challenging at times and right now you are probably at the worst point.. about jr high is when things get crazy again after you have finally got them settled down from you marrying their father. I have made it through 1 on the tale end of the others attitude and my mom does no wrong stage... around 8th grade my stepdaughter started paying attention and learning that things aren't always what they seem. If that makes any sense..

Erin - posted on 07/01/2009

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Being a step-mom can be hard at times but you can always work through it even with the most difficult children-as long as your husband is understanding of your needs and feelings and is as responsible as all parents should be, should go along quite smoothly with only a few bumps in the road, some small, others a little larger. Take care.

Marie - posted on 07/01/2009

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I know how it feels..I have a 8 year old step daughter and at times...i just want to scream...things were good til my husband and i married and then the ex became my HELL!!! its been two years of alot of issues and I just keep praying that one day it will get better...maybe my husbands ex will growup or maybe my stepdaughter will see....but til then I keep trying...and its funny because even with all the drama I'm the one she comes to with problems or questions...I just wish everytime she left to go with her mom I didn't have to hear the phone ring and hear screaming about something else I supposivly did...it has to get better..right????

Marie - posted on 07/01/2009

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I know how it feels..I have a 8 year old step daughter and at times...i just want to scream...things were good til my husband and i married and then the ex became my HELL!!! its been two years of alot of issues and I just keep praying that one day it will get better...maybe my husbands ex will growup or maybe my stepdaughter will see....but til then I keep trying...and its funny because even with all the drama I'm the one she comes to with problems or questions...I just wish everytime she left to go with her mom I didn't have to hear the phone ring and hear screaming about something else I supposivly did...it has to get better..right????

Marnie - posted on 07/01/2009

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Step Parents always get the bad rap....but just stand your ground and be firm on where you are coming from when you say something. Love and respect needs to be earned on both sides. Kids are still kids no matter what but just because they arent yours doesnt mean they should be aloud to step all over you and make you feel like an outsider in your home.; It takes work and your Husband has to work with you.

Marnie - posted on 07/01/2009

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Step Parents always get the bad rap....but just stand your ground and be firm on where you are coming from when you say something. Love and respect needs to be earned on both sides. Kids are still kids no matter what but just because they arent yours doesnt mean they should be aloud to step all over you and make you feel like an outsider in your home.; It takes work and your Husband has to work with you.

Stephanie - posted on 07/01/2009

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I am a step mom of an 11 year old. I have been in her life since she was first born and I still have a hard time with some difficult issues.

Carly - posted on 07/01/2009

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I am not a Step mom but i have had 2 and I have a stepdad. So if you would like some answers from the other side of things please feel free to ask!

Carly - posted on 07/01/2009

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I am not a Step mom but i have had 2 and I have a stepdad. So if you would like some answers from the other side of things please feel free to ask!

Penny - posted on 07/01/2009

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Lordy,Lordy... Do I know what you are going thru..I am the big BAD step MOM.. They hate me.. or at least it feel that way... My step-daughters were 8 and 10 when I met them.. they are 17 and 19 now,, It has been a very rough road.. they loved me in the beginning,, The EX didn't help matters at all... The younger of the two and I get along better.. the oldest girl.. it still is not good... I just do nothing... Because , not matter what I do.. they are not happy...

Kate - posted on 07/01/2009

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Quoting Rita:

I just wanted to let you know that when Chad and I were married not only did we say vowes to each other but we also had our vowes to each others children..... Rita


my stepson was not only the ring bearer but we did a candle lighting ceremony where we each lit his candle and then we lit a candle all together.  He went to EVERY dr appointment when I was pregnant with his sister and has been ahuge part of everything in our lives even tho he is only here on weekends.  he's the best and I love him and I always tell him he was my first kid.  his dad's very laid back and sometimes I do get tired of feeling like the bad guy but when daddy's not home and the rules are still the rules he is more accepting and more loving.  I think it's just a phase and who knows what his mom is telling him.  shes a step mom now too and just wants to be their friend..  so well see how long it takes for her to learn.  Good luck...



 

Kate - posted on 07/01/2009

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Quoting Joyc:

Oh and my my father was a teacher for 36 years and my grandmother was also a teacher for 25 years, that does nothing for your personal life!


For someone who has NO experience raising other peoples children YOU have a very strong opinion.  I am a step child and I have a step child.  My mom waited from the time my parents divorced till the time I was 18 to remarry.  They werent living together or anything and I could say it was the worse!!  I felt so abandoned.  It was me n her for my entire teenage years and then bam!! I was replaced...  But my stepfather has helped my mom through a lot and we've grown as a family. I've had my step child spit in my face and tell me how I hate them and I just kept on working towards a happy family and now I get more love for that child then I could even image.  I have a child of my own and one on the way.  I never tried to be my step childs mom but i did ask them.... do you want me to tell people ur my step child or my child.. and they said "your child"  so back off the high horse until you know what its really like to walk in someones shoes..  we're to help with advice from our own experiences..not tell each other if they're right or wrong...  coming from experience from both sides.. maybe you need to talk to someone about those pent up issues you have and if you cant handle PUBLIC forums...  well....  we'll leave that to what im sure you already know



Back off

Janie - posted on 07/01/2009

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Hi I'm a step mom of a 17 year old son but he's been in my life since he was only 7 yrs. old. My husband and I have 2 boys 8 and 6 and even having kids of our own doesn't make it easier on me as a step mom. I do have full say so in my kids life but really not allowed to say anything about the 17yr old. My best friend is also a step mother and other people look at us like we're crazy when we talk about how hard it is to be a step parent. Just talk things out with your husband about discipline and rules and when their in your house they need to learn to follow yours and your husbands rules and that they don't have to love you like their mother but they do need to respect you as their fathers wife. Also I don't know if you have the same problem I do but my husband almost never wanted to discipline his son while he was staying with us because he was trying more to be his friend then his father because he felt guilty for not spending enough time with him like he does our kids who live with us and are never shuffled back and forth. So try to talk and understand where he is coming from by feeling like less of a father by not being a full time father. Good luck it can be very hard.

Maggie - posted on 07/01/2009

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YES!!! I have two step-kids with the same age gap. But mine are 6 and 4! I can totally empathize, I imagine you may have it a bit tougher because of puberty. ( I also have a 15 month old daughter that is ours) But trust me when I say that it is not easy, and you have my total support! :)

Jaki - posted on 07/01/2009

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Quoting Joyc:

I am the very best person in the world to go to for advise, I have raised three wonderful children all ferom the same father. My children have earned scholarships, been championship athletes and always received straight A's in school and that is a direct result of my childhood, aside from my step-mother, I had a very loving grandparents, aunts and uncles. Girls do not like anyone interfering with there father's relationship and since you have not given birth or had any children of your own, then I believe that you know nothing and don't want to hear the truth. 12 year old girls are not normally crabby!!!! I doesn't usually start until 14 or 15, if you don't want to hear the truth then don't ask.


I have just read your few silly little outbursts and i must say that you have infuriated me, you sound like a spoilt child who was jealous of her father being with someone else.I am a step mum to a 17 yr old girl and a 12 yr old boy and i have been with them from the ages of 5 and 9 months we have our up's and downs as any family does but i don't think it is normal not to.I would never come to you for advise of any kind as you seem quite full of yourself and your own importance and as for asking why Jennifer doesn't have her own kids read it properly and you will see,so i can also add quite heartless to your description too.

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