Any ThoughtS??

Sharon - posted on 02/15/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Unsure of what to do in my current situation but I am in a relationship where my significant other cannot accept my children from my previous marriage. he wants everything done his way or nothing at all. I am not allowed to leave the house, im currently at home taking care of the child we have together. He doesnt help out with the kids...he doesnt help make dinner anymore it gets left up to me. I clean the house all day long so its to his specifications.. I have to do all the laundry and put it away, I get yelled at if he cant find any clothes. If i leave the basket at the bottom of the stairs he wont even bring it up. nor if i leave the trash bag outside our door on the steps he wont even walk to the dumpster to take care of it. One time it sat for more than 3 days. SInce i take care of all receipts and such, if he asks for any one of them and if it got misplaced he trashes the entire apartment trying to find it. Which leaves me in turn to pick up it all b/c he will yell at me to pickit up. He keeps bringing up the fact that we had our daughter b/c my birth control failed. and questions why I didnt have an abortion w/ her if im so frustrated all day long while im caring for her. um hello?? I have to do everything if I dont he certainly isnt going to. he works but doesnt help financially w/ all of our household expenses. I am up from like 5ish in the morning and dont go to bed until maybe midnight. then if he calls when he is done work he gets huffy w/ me b/c i have such an attitude..well i dont really sleep, i didnt realize i had to be happy 24/7. I just cant im frustrated im exhausted and i just need him to help...Does anyone have any advice or has been in this situation???

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[deleted account]

If he has not hit you or the children by now, he will very soon. He is an angry and short tempered man. Emotionally abusive & controling. I think you also recognize the signs and posted for a plea for help. The positive part of your sad situation is the fact that you are not legally married to this guy and can pick up and leave him. Start documenting and journaling his actions and behaviors. File a restraining order of protection if you need to. Unless you want to becoem a victim of domestic violence, you owe it to your children to live in a safe and stable environment. You need to be empowered to stand up to his bullshit. Sorry to say this bluntly, and I know I may offend some of you, but there is nothing more devastaing than a weak woman who allows herself to become a statistic. Please surround yourself with a network of strong and supportive friends. If there is no one available, locate safe houses in your community through social services where you & your children can remain safely. Perhaps the school district can also offer guidance. Sometimes you need to swallow your pride a bit in order to find a safe haven away from this guy. Best of luck to you.

Joan - posted on 02/15/2010

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i agree he needs to go. he is controlling and abusive. it sounds like you are having a parent child relationship. i don't know about you but i wouldn't want to have sex with my father.you need to take care of you.leave even if it means you need to go to a shelter.do it today!!

Lindsay - posted on 02/15/2010

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I can't agree with these girls more. Find a local support, don't tell him about it, and get out safely and quickly. You and your kids deserve better...

Krista - posted on 02/15/2010

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Get out, get out, get out, get out. Think about it -- your life would be SO much more pleasant without him. You'd still have to do housework, but it would only be for yourself and your kids, and you wouldn't have him trashing the place when he can't find stuff. He's a bully and a control freak, and has made you into his little slave.

What are you getting out of this relationship??? He doesn't help around the house, he doesn't help financially, he doesn't support you emotionally or make you feel good, he doesn't treat your kids well. Stop thinking of it in terms of "but I love him". Look at it objectively -- WHAT are you getting out of this relationship that makes it preferable to being single?

I'm usually a fan of trying to work things out, but I don't see one thing about this relationship that makes it worth trying to save. Pack your stuff, pack your kids' stuff, and go. Go to a shelter if you have to -- at least there you'll be able to call your soul your own.

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Tracy - posted on 02/15/2010

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He's a controlling abuser. Been there, done that, got a divorce. I'd rather be broke living on the floor in a tiny apartment with my kids than married to him. RUN. You can do it. If you need financial help or moral support, find your nearest women's shelter. He will not change, things will not get better. Your children are growing up to not respect you, and worse, think that's what relationships are supposed to be like. DO you want your daughter living like you are later in life? Or your son treating someone like you're being treated?

Any man that wants to be with you needs to accept ALL of your children, period. That is not CAN not ever be up for debate.

Jodi - posted on 02/15/2010

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I only got as far as " I am not allowed to leave the house" and my alarm bells were going off. GET OUT!!!. If you can't do it for your sake, you need to get out for the sake of your children. This is an abusive relationship, and I agree with what everyone else here has to say.

[deleted account]

Um, leave. It's simple. You deserve better and so do your children. That's the only advice for this situation. Leave.

[deleted account]

Again I'll reiterate the importance of documenting and journaling his actions with date & time. This is evidence that can be used against him. Aide in the assistance of the landlord, as he/she could also be held liable for potential injuries that occur under their roof. Also, it's the decent, human thing to do: assist your renters into safety. I am also willing to bet there is a CoM community for domestic violence victims, and these are the women who may have better knowledge and first-hand experience. {{{HUGS}}} Stay strong!

Krista - posted on 02/15/2010

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Hi Sharon,
If there isn't much support within your community, there might still be domestic abuse resources in your state or province, and they can help you over the phone, give you advice, and guide you through what needs to be done. The National Domestic Abuse hotline is 1-800-799-7233. And don't think that you're not being abused -- you are. He is emotionally abusing you, and no woman deserves that. Another good resource is www.leavingabuse.com. (Just make sure you erase your browser history after going there -- if he's as controlling as you indicate, he probably checks your browser history. If you use Google Chrome, there's an option to open an "Incognito" window which will make your history untraceable.)

Is your landlord willing to change your locks when the time comes? That's a crucial step. As well, when you let him know that you're kicking him out, it's probably a good idea to make sure that your daughter isn't there, but that a few friends ARE, just in case he tries to get ugly with you. It might also be worth contacting your local police department to see what is involved with getting a restraining order and what their policy is on enforcing them.

He might NOT get violent, but for your own sake, it's better if you operate under the assumption that he MIGHT.

Sharon - posted on 02/15/2010

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Thank you all...i am trying. we only have one child together and Iam glad I wasnt able to conceive in the short amount of time i had from taking out my IUD and starting the pill. I have called a few places but this is my home not his. I was here first, I have talked w/ my landlord and I am able to pull him from my lease when its time to. So with that in mind..there arent too many places i can go for help within my community. So for the next step..im still a little vague on. If anyone knows where else I can start...??

Kate - posted on 02/15/2010

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Don't think for a second it might get better, IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!!! You can't stand how it is now, imagine it being worse. Believe me, it can be worse. Go today!!!

Sharon - posted on 02/15/2010

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Adding my support to Gwen & Sharon F



LEAVE. When he is gone, pack your things and RUN.



You're doing everything on your own as it is. Get far far far away from him. Physically. Ignore any emotional tugs you might feel because they aren't genuine.



He is manipulating you, controlling you and the next step is to beat you down.



RUN!!!!!

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