anyone have any advice on family conflict?

Kale - posted on 07/12/2012 ( 209 moms have responded )

44

0

0

I am 32 weeks pregnant and there is some conflict between my hubby and my side of the family. I really dont want our baby to be born into a family of conflict and my hubby feels its time to start building a relationship with them for the sake of our baby. My family on the other hand says they arent ready....im due in 8 weeks and she doesnt deserve to be put in a situation like that. I am really close to his family and go to all the family functions and whatnot but my family refuses to do the same due to not being "ready".Im stuck between a rock and a hard place and dont know what to do

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kristi - posted on 07/12/2012

1,355

3

78

WTH? What aren't they "ready" for? Did you guys kill their dog and they aren't ready to forgive you, yet? It isn't easy but you have to tell them your husband and child are your family now. If they want to remain a part of your family (the 3 of you) then they need to accept that. If they can't respect your husband enough to call a truce (for lack of a better word) for your child's sake then they don't really want to be part of their grandchild's life. I don't know why there is discord in the first place but, most adults will put aside their differences for the sake of a child. If you've already talked to them and your husband has extended an olive branch then you are already meeting them half way.

I know they are your parents but you can't let them and their "issues" come between your marriage and what is best for your baby. (not saying that you have marriage problems, there are just people who can't make a decision and usually someone else makes it for them and chances are they don't like what they end up with.) Talk with them again, explain your worries and concerns and let them know you want them to be a part of your child's life but until they can accept your husband, or at least be civil, then they can't come around. Be firm but not mean. Let them know you love them and always will but you have to do what is best for your own family now. And, don't sneak your baby off to see them without your husband's knowledge in an attempt to apease both sides. That will blow up in your face, trust me. Maybe when faced with those 2 options they will reconsider their priorities. Like you said, you have 8 weeks left. A lot can happen in 2 months time. Prayers that you can all find a peaceful and desired solution.

PS--Congratulations on your first baby, she is a blessing.

Firebird - posted on 07/12/2012

2,660

30

521

If my husband were not welcome at my family's functions, I would not go either. You're a team and you need to stick together. For better or for worse.

Kellie - posted on 07/12/2012

1,994

8

163

So don't put her into the family conflict. Lethem go, why take their drama on just because you're giving birth?

Jodi - posted on 07/13/2012

44

0

1

Okay, you are NOT stuck between a rock and hard place. You are in the driver's seat, and that does not mean you necessarily get what you want, but rest assured you have the power!

You have put out the olive branch so to speak and have asked to have a relationship with your family. They have declined your offer of a relationship at this time. You can do nothing but keep the door open with polite communications and invitations and when and if they are "ready" to have a relationship with you, your husband, and your soon to be child, then you can decide, at that time, if that is still what you want.

The thing people forget about relationships is that you cannot have them alone! Just because you want one with a particular person, even family, does not mean that they want the same thing! It is sad but true - I see it all the time in my work. It takes at least two people to have a meeting of the minds to engage in a relationship; without that meeting you have one person giving and giving and giving and hoping to receive something back, while the other person is receiving it all and providing nothing. That is not a relationship, it is servitude.

Enjoy this time with your family and your husband's extended family! Revel in the good cheer and joy and love that is being extended to welcome your new addition and don't dwell in what is not present at this moment. It sounds like you are surrounded with love, see it, feel it, and enjoy it.

Good luck!
www.theconsciousmoment.com

Samantha - posted on 07/13/2012

3

16

0

Stuck in a hard place-

I have walked in your shoes and let me say I am 43 now and have thrived on the love of my in-laws and the family values the have given to my now 13 and 15 year old children. Without details on your situation let me say this: If a family is not ready it is their loss, they are well aware that your are getting ready to give birth and start your own family. Your husband is in a bubble, I am sure his family has taken you in as mine did and love you to no end. Explain to your husband that sadly this is not your choice, if it were your family I would not force your hand to make amends now, having a baby is stressfull enough. The family you create now will only guide your babys future. To walk a mile in constant concern if your batle will be won is not a way to live, but to stive in life nowing you have no battle is the best way to raise a child.

I did not speak to my mom for 4 years after my wedding (married 17) tried it for 2 months, and then 8 years had very little contact, and then 5 years of nothing. I invited her to an outing this Summer and all she did was cause pain after.

To forgive is an act of valor to deserve is an act of god. Family is family we did not pick them and we really cant change them, but we do not have to allow them to direct the avenue in which our lives go. If you are happy dont fix it, if it were meant to be fixed it will come to you.

Love the life you have for somehow god knew you deserved it!

Good Luck

This conversation has been closed to further comments

209 Comments

View replies by

Ginny - posted on 09/26/2012

10

0

2

tell your family that they need to accept him and get along for the baby and if they dont like it they dont need to be a part of your life bc you have your own family to worrie about now. i know its a hard choice but i did it and so did my hubby and now our familys are closer then ever good luck i hope everythin works out for you

Pauline - posted on 09/25/2012

11

0

0

hi, why are your family not ready? ready for wot, for you to be happy! let them be bitter and cold or just twisted, they will come round hopefully when they realise, if your hubby is good to you then they should respect him and be happy for yous, all the best x

Parent247 - posted on 09/25/2012

4

0

0

DO WHATEVER YOUR HUSBAND SAYS! He is the man, and you need to respect his wishes - otherwise there will be conflict between the both of you, and it will be all your fault!

Marissa - posted on 09/25/2012

6

0

1

i went thru the same exact thing with my fiancee when i was pregnant my family hated him and for the sake of our son he wanted to try and make a good relationship so creighton wouldn't grow up in that kind of environment. my finacee tried his hardest to make things good coming to family get togethers(christmas, thanksgiving etc..)and still nobody wanted anything to do with him, but load and behold after my son Creighton was born it was like my family had an awakening and decided right then in the hospital my finacee was a pretty good guy. give it time and don't try and to push it to hard. as soon as everyone sees your daughter it will be like there was nothing ever wrong in the first place!! GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!

Veronica - posted on 09/21/2012

2

0

0

First of all you shouldn't have this stress on you. You are pregnant and should be enjoying it and getting plenty of rest. I myself sorta went through the same thing w/ my family. I tried at first but then gave up and was wondering why am I doing this to myself. He makes me happy thats all I should worry about. You are starting your own lil family now thats all you should focus on. If your family really loves you they will eventually come around. They should be happy for you. I give your hubby props for wanting to try. Goodluck!

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2012

1

0

0

When you got married you were given to your husband, so you should do what is right by him and the family you make together. It's sad that your family is "not ready", especially science he's your husband, what did they expect would happen. Have a good cry, step back from your family, concentrate on the life you have and are making. Your family will soon see what they are missing and come around, if not then its still going to be okay. You your husband is the only family she needs. Work on making things pleasant and peaceful at home. It's always nice to be with your whole family but being a wife and mother should take priority over being sister and daughter. Take time to breath, and don't let yourself become overwhelmed by the things around you.

I don't know everything, I have an ass load of family problems as well, this is just my opinion.

Monique - posted on 09/16/2012

4

0

0

Ur family should love and trust ur decisions...... If u are willing to make compromises they should try to think about what is good for u and urs... not many are truly "ready"... Keep a positive outlook on the situation... If u are sure u are wanting to keep ur little family u gotta think about what can keep things going smoothly... Have u sat down with them and tell them u are happy?

Ruby - posted on 09/15/2012

14

0

1

I have the same problem with my side of the family This was a few years ago. Pregnant with my first child my Mother was upset & told no one in the family. My husband side very happy no problem, may I add he's Asian. Didn't speak to my mom for 1 year (I have no regrets). We both started talking again,some what. Then I was pregnant with my son, my mother told me " Too Bad for You". She was upset that I was pregnant with my son & she was still upset that I had my daughter. After that I no longer speak to my Mother or any person on my side of the family (Till this day no one knows about my children). My relationship with my family is toxic, so am not going to waste my time & expose my children with such negativity. My children & husband come first not everyone else.

Nicolina - posted on 09/14/2012

9

5

1

Been there and done that for years with my ex's family and in the end staying away was the easiest thing to do to keep the kids out of drama.

Mia - posted on 09/12/2012

1

0

0

when you get married you should know that it is you your hubby and the kids,you should support each other in famley confict, and if your family isnt ready they dont have your best intrest.

Lupe - posted on 09/11/2012

5

0

0

A baby changes everything. I was not talking to my dad for months and it was very ugly between us, but the moment i went into labor and was at the hospital, guess who was there with flowers in his hands? My dad, in tears and all. Keep positive and pray for your family they will wan to be apart of your child life!

Isabel - posted on 09/06/2012

2

0

0

I may be 12 but I think you should talk it out with them, calmly discuss and stay calm, tell them how you feel about this and reassure them what problem they have with each other will go away, resolve by having some family, the whole family together.

Dina - posted on 09/02/2012

101

36

10

I would tell your family that you, your husband, and baby on the way come as a package, if they can't have respect for you, and your family, you wont be coming around. The don't have to love your husband instantly but they do need to treat him with respect and be decent to him. If they can only be ignorant and rude to hubby then they don't deserve you or the baby in there life.

Monique - posted on 08/29/2012

22

0

0

that is really sad u stopped talking to ur siblings. my mom has 5 siblings and they are imnportant to not only her and each other but all of us they were a big part of my childhood. no they are not perfect but we all love each other. no matter what ur sibligns are ur family even if their is drama. i didnt talk to my brother for 2 mos bc of a huge fight when my daughter wa sa abby and it was horrible and hurt everyone never again will i do that. i also have a family friend who didnt talk to her sister for yrs bc ofa fight at a family funciton and it not only hurt them but their entire family and was so much better when the reoncciled they still dont see eye to eye on everthing but they and their fanmily are at peace.

Monique - posted on 08/29/2012

22

0

0

no matter what though you shouldn't cut family out of your lives unless its an abusive/drug/alcohol situation they are still ur parents no matter what but dont side with them over your husband definately.

HappyMommy - posted on 08/28/2012

50

0

4

You need to understand that everybody else is secondary...it's all about the baby your husband and u now... It looks like you both tried to make amends with your side of the family..and if they are not willing to do it then it's their loss...they need to know if they can't respect you and your hubby that they can't come and go as theyplease....kids senses everything u r right u don't want to put the baby in any kind of awkward situation

Wendy - posted on 08/24/2012

3

0

0

Back again to clarify what I just read and posted. I was married a 1st time to a sex addict and divorced, no children. I then married my HS sweetheart who is the one with the problematic parents or mom who couldn't keep neutral nor out of the middle of my marriage to her son. All his addictions which I spoke of were excused due to "how I responded", i.e., nagging him to stop, then escalating to me yelling at him and threatening he leave. I did make him leave as I posted and he went to his mom and dad's and that's where they got even more of an earful due to his complaints of me b/c addicts at first cannot deal with the spotlight on their issues and need to deflect and his mom, my former MIL, was all too happy to slander myself and my sis who is their other DIL. I said something up there about grandson and I am not a grandparent which is how it sounded, I was speaking of having their grandson and that they treat him differently and my former MIL no longer comes here as she did. I remarried my dx husb's BF and again, this was just 2 mos before he died that he told me that if he died, he thought I'd marry his BF which turned into him wanting it that way and low and behold, who would've guessed? I also looked back and early on said I married a guy and 'he' got a girl prego and that wasn't my 1st sex addict husb. but my hs sweetheart who didn't marry but did get a girl prego and then before I married that first guy, he (my now dx husb) begged me not to and to come back to him as he realized what he gave up. I just knew he had a kid on the way and I couldn't tolerate being broken up w/, by him again. It was too much for my heart to take and of course, cancelling an engagement to a guy who I thought was a gift to me only to be wrapped pretty and there was all dog poo inside. When I gave that first marriage 3 1/2 yrs, the 2nd half was a 2nd chance, I told my dx husb's mom that I knew what she was thinking and I was thinking it too but I had to deal w/ myself and fix me before remarrying her son. They couldn't get him out fast enough then b/c his mom knew her son needed a mom and I certainly fit the bill but I wasn't a carpet either where I just shut up when my meds were being stolen; my 2nd husb's issue and cross to bear. Now I'm currently married to his BF but now really know and see how much that family disliked me and it's all b/c of how I treated their son, which was bad and only like that when I realized again he stole from my meds. He died not due to overdose and thankfully you'd think they'd also see that if I hadn't kicked him out to get help (and he moved for 6 wks with them and btw what he complained of and what they said, we got scary close to breaking up but I don't think we could have let it get that far. He was sick and needed help.), we'd be attending a much diff. funeral. Hope I clarified things cause when I re-read it sounded like I was a grandma and I don't know if it was seen that I had a 1st no kid sex addict marriage/husb and 2nd back to my HS sweetheart who got hooked on my meds marriage which ended with his death from something else and tragically. I was a mess. Now, even though I miss my HS sweetheart and 2nd husb. deeply I am remarried to a guy who still isn't perfect (lets face it no one is) but gets my grieving, gets that family dynamic he saw while being friends w/ my husb, in heaven now. I met my now 3rd husb. 1 yr after I met my 2nd husb., as they became friends when my dx husb. was 17 and then when we got back and married, my current husb (BF to dx husb) also lived in our basement for 3 yrs and he witnessed the flaws that my dx husb eventually asked for forgiveness for. I have more peace now then I did ever before and it's due to not having to deal with my former inlaws. Hope that clarifies.

Wendy - posted on 08/24/2012

3

0

0

My situation was opposite. My husband died (my 'late' husband) back in Jan 2009. We met when I was just 16 and he trailed me 4 mos to the day in b-day's so he was 15. We were highschool (but went to diff. schools) sweethearts before the school yr started and were together until after graduation and when he turned 18 that Oct. and decided to see if the grass was greener out there. He really in retrospect just needed to not marry as we and all who knew us expected us to do. I loved him so much and he I but he was young and sadly young guys eventually have to find themselves and rarely do they marry out of highschool. I know some do but for mine he needed to do what he said he did, go to see the other side of the grass and find out it was dead, dry and wilted. I married another guy in our break up time and he got a gal pregnant and they never married but he realized he gave up a relationship that he'd never find again. I didn't realize in those 3 yrs in that marriage I'd ever divorce but that guy was a sex addict, badly. We ended up back together but I had changed, no naive groveling me since I grew up. We were married almost 8 years and in those years I had many medical problems, I had a baby that I was never suppose to have (a surprise) and eventually he died in a simple surgery gone horrifically. We were so close, we loved each other so much but he had some issues and some addiction problems that with my health, well, he was taking my meds for pain and lying about it and that ended up blowing up and we stayed together but I had him leave and he went to his parents....this is where the answer begins for you. HIS parents were the issue, my sister and I married their sons and we came from a childhood where my mom was not normal and in a time when medications were not there for depression, mood swings and maybe even a schizophrenic disorder but my mom back then was bad....she's normal now. We shared this with our mother in law and as years passed we realized that this was being held over us. WE also realized that this family that seemed to have it all, well it was a dad who is absent and has been absent and my husband craved just his dad to 1x compliment him even in his adulthood after he went and got some schooling and went from a janitor when we reunited to a IT guru earning $56,000/year. My MIL also did things behind my back like constantly talk to my husb. who complained to her when we fought over bills, that he didn't have to give me $$ and I made enough and yes I did, then. I got sick and it all fell apart. I came into our marriage with almost 40,000 cash and after paying off his debts and sending him to school and buying him a car and our marriage, etc, when I pushed for help paying bills he was used to his mom bailing him out. And in our marriage she constantly stuck money in his pocket and told him not to tell me but our closeness made it so he could not do that and he told me. Now he's gone and she and her daughter (who never liked me) and my FIL don't like me. I remarried my dx husb's best friend and long story but we talked about the death of us and what each would do, because i was so sick. He not only told me he wanted and thought I'd marry his BF but he also asked that friend to watch over me and my son if anything ever happened to him. We had these conversations oddly and mostly because of my failing health which is still bad and worse but I'm not terminal like cancer, just "complicated" from many surgeries. Ok, my point now and sorry for the background but you'd think w/ my childhood history, my parents would be the issue. Not. They never played favorites in my marriage and any complaining I'd do would be turned into what 1/2 I had in it. Fair and frankly a good approach. There was not this in my husb's parents, it was always my fault. Always. He stole my meds, I got mad, "a wife doesn't do 'that' or say 'that' or act 'that' way". He died and now I have a grandson who really doesn't have a good relationship with those grandparents b/c they do not like me. I know this b/c it's been said to my BIL who is also my husb's bro if you recall. Family functions? They stopped attending those yrs ago when I accidentally turned off the FB game when his dad was watching it and didn't see him. Of course no asking if I did that to be mean or something it was just assumed so. Talking to them, you'd hear how awful I treated my dx husb but never hear how much he lied about taking my meds, left me weeks w/o meds and in bed til' I could get more. How I kicked him out and that was the good thing since he got help finally but sat there and while recognizing and going through withdrawl and finding himself, had those eager ears to hear how bad I was straight from his mouth. He died 7 mos later, clean and serene but not w/ enough time to fix what they heard and now thought of me. So with their 1 of 3 grandson's and my sis has 1 of 3 too plus a girl, they don't like either of us (her husb. is an addict too who was not on the pedestal his mother put his brother on (my husb) so now he's eating up he slandering my sister and I'm watching her life go down the road mine did. I have not a clue what to do with all this except I am remarried and have 'new' inlaws but I've known my dx husb's since I was 16. There's a history and at one time I was really close to his mom. I know as a mom and having a son, if he ever took his wife's vital pain meds for her severe life altering pain OR was an addict to other things (alcohol, pot which aren't the worst but I can vouge are gateway drugs), I'd give him a tongue lashing and I know that since I don't baby him now and let him get by with stuff my teenage dx husb did (blowing out windshield's w/ a beebie gun, ruining brand new const. to the tune of millions and I cannot even get into that, whacking mailboxes w/ baseball bats....) that when he's a husb. I will make sure it's fair. In regards to your trying to get family or hope family to recognize their wrongs; family is not a right it is a privilege. Family is a mark of where we came from but it does not have to be a part of where we go. Admit it, does anyone ever have a perfect family? I think esp. w/ marriage you are able to recognize a diseased or sick family that either of you have and again, no family is perfect. But your family now is your husband and your child. I know how hard it is to separate and I wish I lived these words back then but I wanted to convince each person to be a family. I wasted time trying to earn respect from people who clearly have just as many family issues as my family did however through God's grace and by sticking it out, my sis and our parents are closer then ever and my parents take responsibility for how we were raised but they are acing it at being neutral in our current relationships. Talked to a friend yest. who is also struggling w/ getting her inlaws to recognize her child but they don't give attention to her and their son's grandchild but rather their daughter and her husb's son who is only 2 mos behind their son's son. She expressed this very frustration to me. My husb. died and now they tell me that I should stop referring to my dx husb as my husband or I his wife, although other widows say that it's stupidity b/c you didn't divorce, they died being your husb or you their wife and who cares as long as you give the current spouse a big nod since he is your current spouse. My situtation is so diff. b/c I married his BF who also mourns the loss of a very special person, flaws and all he was a hoot that everyone loved. We all have our crosses we bear and I may have not responded perfectly but the issue of addiction in a marriage causes the normal spouse to literally go insane, which I found out at Alanon and got my support there of "how else would you respond to not just addiction but your own health being put on the line and dealing with awful pain and suffering as a result of a very selfish addict?" I know it's hard to read through this to see how we had anything but his addiction never defined our love for each other and our marriage but I sure hear it a lot, now that he is gone. The mom also thinks that I would want any money from them b/c they give it to their other son like she (really not they) are now doing for my sis's husb. and he's never gotten all his mom's attention so he's eating it up b/c my husb., the known and expressed favorite, is gone and those fingers of hers need to be in her children's lives which creates drama which she feeds on. My current spouse is so intelligent, as was my literally genius dx husb but my husb now stayed single 8 years and learned what he didn't want to marry and he sees through and always has, the problems in that family. As for my son though, she loves him I'm sure and when she does die, I know there will be no connection to them any longer as my former FIL and SIL despise me due to what they heard from her and the mouth of my husb. when he stayed there after I had him leave after realizing he took my meds for the 1,000th time but this time broke into a lock box I had them in. She kept telling me to get a box and wear the key on my body but he got in with a paper clip and youtube's help as well. I loved him very much and miss him very much but now, I can decide and have decided to not be drawn into the issues of inlaws. It drains you until you're resentful, you second guess yourself and they remain in control. The unity candle represents the leaving of your parents and joining together. This is something that doesn't come easy but if you keep searching for answers, you will hopefully find it's best to put that energy into your new family. YOU are creating history now and you are learning how not to be when you are a grandparent. I hope my long story helps and I admit, I needed to get all that off my chest and out to a group of people who hopefully can help me too. It hurts deep at first but that hurt has now turned into good old fashioned common sense on who I need to protect, my new family. Don't let toxic relationships into your marriage and if you do, be in control of it and don't allow anyone else to control your emotions, your happiness or your future.

Alisha - posted on 08/23/2012

2

0

0

dont accept the drama,they will come correctly on there time, dont dwell, enjoy every minute with your new one dont let her feel any stress or anxiety from you, live in the monent with her and the ones that do love and support you, good luck and congrads.

Julie - posted on 08/19/2012

2

0

0

Stay with the positives in your life and detach yourself from the negatives this will be your families loss. You can still enjoy life and providing your baby is not exposed to any of this conflict all will be fine.

Nicole - posted on 08/16/2012

2

14

0

just do what you feel best. 1 step at a time. enjoy your family an the rest will follow..

Jeanette - posted on 08/11/2012

9

14

0

i hardly talk to any of my family anymore. being around them is just unhealthy for myself and my children. Best advice i can give u is to just stick with his family, as hard as it is, and as wrong as it feels ... i get more love and affection from my boyfriends family, his sisters and mum pay more attention to my kids than my own father does! Do what you feel is right bebz

Heather - posted on 08/09/2012

7

55

0

Your family should buck up and respect the life you want to make for the family you are begining. They all chose who they wanted to be with and should excpect nothing less for you. Pardon me, but I hope they grow up so your child has a safety net of good examples to team up with you. Otherwise your child is not going to know who is right, there will allways be this whoes side are you on. I'm sure you understand, but I have really no advice for you other than I've been in the middle of a life like this for a long time. My Grandparents don't like the man I chose for for life and it's been almost 9 yrs. We have three beautiful girls. I pretend that I don't know their feelings even though they told me straight out. I still show up at family events with my whole family, and act like it doesn't bother me. Because what are they going to do cause a seen in front of everyone. They haven't yet, but everyone is different, and if they do it would give a chance for others inyour family to stand up for you and hopefully help change thier decision.
The past should not effect the future if people are willing to change and do. So hopefully their mind set changes. If it don't I hope you stay stong in what you believe.

Annabelle - posted on 08/06/2012

55

0

7

This may not be what you want to hear but your husband (and child) are YOUR family now. He and the baby are #1 and everyone else is a distant second. If your family has issues of any sort with him that is their problem not yours. If they are not willing to set aside their issues for the sake of your baby and the family that's pretty selfish and not the environment you want to be in anyway. Your job is to protect and nurture your marriage and children regardless of the feelings/opinions of others. And it is not okay to visit them without your husband this is his child and you're his wife this is both of your family together! Stand up for him and yourself!

Cherie - posted on 08/04/2012

63

3

0

Dawn I dissagree with the ultimatum idea. That kind of hard line has a tendency to build brick walls between families. The best route is to just give them (the parents) their space and let them come around on their own time. Then the new mommy and daddy to be can focus on what is important, the new baby.
I am currently going through the same thing for the second time in my life with my parents. The first time was the birth of my first child with my husband. It took time but they came around. Now, after my husband passed and I have met and remarried a new man, my parents and my oldest son have all turned their backs on me. Not because they dissaprove of my husband but because they didn't like the way I got married (celtic Handfasting). Now at age (almost) 55 I've realized that I can't allow others to judge me. I also can't make them behave the way I want them to so I have to live my life with my husband and other children and give them time to stop with the judgements and love me for who I am. It hurts but I won't turn my back on my life of live it for them. I can only live it for me.

Dawn - posted on 08/03/2012

7

9

0

i would give them an ultimatum. sit them down write a letter if you have to but get your feelings out there. they are just being selfish and need to let go of any conflict that is there. they should be there supporting you not fighting with you or your hubby. being a parent is a hard life long job. you dont need any added drama

Becci - posted on 08/01/2012

13

0

1

I know exactly how u feel , it's bit of a different situation tho , I hadn't seen my dad for years because my mother wouldnt allow it so all through my childhood I didn't see him , Iv been with my partner 6yrs and decided we were going to get married I needed my fathers birth certificate and my mothers for our bands at the registry office so found my dad on Facebook and inboxed him and explained the situation he gave me details so I could order a copy of his from then on we have always spoke and obviously I wanted him to give me away at my wedding after we spent time together and got to know each other , my mum refused to come to the wedding and her siblings made things difficult causing conflict between myself and my mum thy would lie and make up story's about me then tell my mum in the end I told all of them I wanted nothing to do with them and I cancelled the wedding as it wa so stressfull with everything going on I speak to my mum but have nothing to do with my older sister my aunts uncles and cousins on my mothers side , it's so hard but in the end I had to get them out of my life because they were making it so difficult just to be happy , my advice would be tell them if they don't sort things out then ul have no choice but to cut them out of your life , I mean my family went as far as shunning my kids too and enough was enough , I see my mum and little brother and that's it . Of u ask me I think they are very selfish to put this sort of upset and stress on u while ur heavily pregnant , hope this has helped and u can do what's best for your little family

Grace - posted on 07/31/2012

12

0

0

I'm glad it is only one person with the issue. He sounds exactly like my husband's late father. You know what, the man alienated everyone because everything was about him and he was so good at trying to turn it around on everyone else. Well, the man died alone. Looks like your father may follow in my late father-in-law's footsteps. Sad, very sad.
Live a happy life and just pray for him.

Marykay@geeks.org - posted on 07/31/2012

2

0

0

I am 67 years old and spent much of my life playing referee. I's sure that you have been told many times that you cannot chose your family. That is not exactly true. You cannot help to whom you are born, but you can chose who you want to associate with. Conflict creates bad bad memories. After my mother died 3 years ago, I decided to stop all contact with all 7 of my siblings. It was much too late, but has brought a lot of peace and tranquility to my life. I have so much meaningful time with my children and grandkids without any interference from the others. The only regrets are that I didn't do it sooner and that I let them take away too much of my decision making ability. My husband would have been much happier without them, and I am sorry that I put him through their twisted family ways. Stand by your man, your baby, and those who really love and support you.

Kristi - posted on 07/30/2012

1,355

3

78

I'm sorry about your dad, Kale but overall that is wonderful news! I'm sure you and your husband feel a great deal of relief and happiness, now. Best wishes for you all and the soon-to-be newest and littlest, but by far most important, member of your family!

Kale - posted on 07/29/2012

44

0

0

update: 34 weeks and 4 days along.. doctor says baby can come any day now. I spoke with everyone in my family and found the only one with issues is my father, who apparently has issues with everyone. For instance he wont be going to his first grand daughters 1st birthday because it is at my moms parents house. Now he is turning it all around saying the only reason it is there is because noone really wants him there (turning the problem around to make it all about him) but the fact of the matter is its a great place for a party its on a lake where people can swim and has a big yard for an outside party. Truth is he is the only one who will be missing out because he is doing this to himself. Everyone else in my family has fully excepted my husband and we all get along. My father is just the one who has issues he needs to learn to get over for not only the rest of the family but also the himself.

Loren - posted on 07/29/2012

6

10

0

I would just let yr family be the way they want to be. If they want a relationship with yr little family they will come around if not oh well u have his family sometimes when people are hateful and nasty u need to protect yr child from them let yr baby grow up around his family and pick and choose the good ones in yr family

Grace - posted on 07/26/2012

12

0

0

I'm sorry, I should tell you about my family. I have a wonderful mother-in-law and great husband's side of the family. Because I was raised in a Huge family, I saw so much stupidity. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I would just accept that some of them made very bad choices and everyone seemed to want their say so. Now My husband's father was horrible....but because my family meant the world to me and my father and mother were awesome, I could not see my husband not trying to work things out with his dad. Little did I know all the baggage my husband carried inside that one day blew up and forever changed our family. I kept on harping on the importance of having a father and mother, etc. WRONG! Just because I thought good could be found in everyone if we just loved them and tried to please them, I lost the wonderful perfect family that was my husband and my two sons. I almost destroyed his life by having always insisted he should have a relationship with his father and his stepmom. Well, to shorten the story, we put God first in OUR lives and God restored and actually made better the family we had. Some people are narcissistic and even though they have their good moments, their true personalities will always prevail. I hope your husband realizes what he has and that that should b more important than trying to fit in with your side of the family. Be happy for yourselves and surround yourself with those who want to be part of your lives.

Grace - posted on 07/26/2012

12

0

0

You haven't really given us much information to go on. Some issues are easier to resolve than others. One very important thing to remember is that you and your husband are your own family now. If someone doesn't want to be a part of your life, then you should respect their wishes. You can't pick your family, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with their baggage either. What would b more important than having a happy family with your husband, yourself, and your new baby? You can't make someone change because you believe in "family" and they apparently don't care. It is your family's loss. Don't let them bring you down. Life is too short. God has to work in every individual's life. From what I have seen, there are no fairytale families or extended families. Everyone has their quirks. The question is do you want all that crap for your child? Good luck. Remember also,that you can't please everyone. That's just ridiculous and full of heartbreak.
Give it to God and leave it in his hands.
Congratulations on your new baby to come!

Diana - posted on 07/24/2012

109

0

0

I really commend your husband for caring so much about your growing family that he would like to build a relationship with your family. That is a very thoughtful and sweet thing. That being said, if your family isn't ready why bother pushing the issue. It will stress you out and the baby. That doesn't mean that you have to completely ignore them & write them off. Just that maybe you visit once a week or a month or every few months...whatever you are comfortable with. Sometimes it's funny how a baby will bring people together once they actually arrive. If your family doesn't want to be bothered because they "aren't ready", let them know you love them and they are welcomed to participate and visit when they ARE ready. At least you put it out there. Then if they still don't want to be there it is on them not you and you can both move on with a clear conscience knowing that you tried. It's hard to believe that family wouldn't want to be part of something so exciting, but then some people are only equipped to be concerned about themselves.

Patty - posted on 07/24/2012

3

6

0

I don't know how anyone could just tell you to give up your family when they do not know the whole story. I don't know if your in a abusive relationship with your husband or not or maybe he just treats your family like crap or maybe they treat him like crap, who knows because you didn't give enough detail.. BUT, if it is a bad situation where he has given them reason to REALLY not like him then put yourself in their shoes and if your child, that you love more than anything grew up and was in a bad relationship with a man who treated her bad and you, the parent, bad how would that make you feel and better yet how would that make you feel if your child just shut you out over a man. It happens to much where a abusive man tries to get the women to distance herself from family and friends. Whatever the case, maybe he is trying now and it will just take time. MAYBE NOT but I can't believe that so many people are advising you to just shut your family out when they really don't know the whole situation. .

Arnette - posted on 07/23/2012

31

0

1

Kale, I'm sorry that you are going through this especially with bringing a new member to the family. I had a similar situation when I was pregnant with my son. The only thing you can do is have your healthy beautiful little girl and pray for your family. You can't force something that is not wanted. It will only stress you and your baby and neither one of you deserves that treatment from anyone. Just live your lives and be as happy as you can be. The only ones that will loose out is your family and they will realize this eventually. I know that family is important, but not they are not as important as you and your happiness. Either they want to share in your happiness or they don't. Since I am getting the feeling they do not then you have to move on. You have to do what you have to do to be happy and if they choose to keep up non-scense let them do it but away from you. Best of luck.

Lori - posted on 07/23/2012

1

20

0

I say do not let your family get to you. You have to remember it is not going to be you, your husband and your new baby! If your family can not
Learn to push things aside then the hell with them. It sounds like your husband is willing and trying but your family does not care.

Cherie - posted on 07/23/2012

63

3

0

I've been there and done that. My advice is stop putting yourself through the stress of building bridges. Let your family know that they are welcome to come see you and the new baby. That's an open invitation and then the ball is in their court. You need to take care of yourself and your family and you can't force the actions and feelings of others. It hurts and it's hard but they will come around. It's amazing what an equalizer a baby is. Just don't force the issue. My husband and I were married for 29 years when he passed, and we had eight children. All of my children got to spend time and get to know their grandparents and have a fairly good relationship with them. I let it happen naturally. Tell your husband that you appreciate it that he loves you so much that he wants to make sure that you have your family near but that for now you just want it to be about you and him and baby makes three.

Debi - posted on 07/23/2012

8

1

0

Your husband sounds like a wise man... how thankful you must be to have him as your life partner and the father of your baby girl! You know, "family" can mean many things..... "his side" and "your side" isnt the issue. Its surrounding yourself with the people who love, support, encourage you and will be good examples to your daughter. Dont worry so much about forcing a relationship that may not ever be good for YOUR family (which is you, your husband and daughter).... that "family" is your #1 priority, and its the one you would die to protect.
Yes, it would be lovely IF you could work things out with "your side", but if they arent ready, doesnt seem like you've lost much, but gained "his side" as your very own. Treat them as if they are, let them know you're so grateful for their love and support.... and move on sweetie!
Just because you're put into a family, doesnt mean it is healthy.. sounds like you've done your part in trying to work it out... let them know its their move, and if they're every ready to let you know. You already have an amazing family, even without them so dont spent this joyful, exciting time in your life on negative things.... celebrate your daughter and be the best wife and Mommy you can possibly be! It will either work out with your side, or it wont... you win either way! Blessings to your little family!!

Amy - posted on 07/23/2012

22

50

1

If their going to be childish about these things then let them get on with it at end of day you have your own little family to think about its about you and baby why should you make peace when they should have the nounce to act appropriate its not what you need so late on in pregnancy you take a step back its them that wud be missing out
Good luck xxx

Linda - posted on 07/22/2012

9

0

0

there is a chance that u can "kill them with kindness" .Visit them and with the child when it is convenient and let your child have a relationship with them, even if the visits are short and infrequent. But without emotion or negativity, let them understand that when events involve your husband u will be with HIM..whether it is at home or with his family and let your family figure out that if they want to see more of u or their grandchild, that they will have to accept your husband as part of the package. No threats or ugly scenes, just the facts that most of your time and special events include your husband and if they choose to exclude him, u will be where he is . hopefully they will come around sooner than later....

Pat - posted on 07/22/2012

2

0

0

Hi there. Boy have I been there. You said you get along with your husbands side of the family, but not yours. I know that, like you, I tried everything I could too. In my case it was my Mother, I tried to include her in my preg. and to get her advice as to what to expect and you know girl stuff. Nothing worked. In the end I deceided to back off. If she was not ready, well I was ready to have my baby with or without her. So after beating myself up over it I deceided that if my hubby's family was willing to be there and love this little gift from heaven, and my hubby was there willing and able, then I figured my family would eventually come around. You can only do so much. You need to think of the baby first and formost. Your first obligation is to her and then you hubby and yourself, Let go of the troubles from your side. Have your baby and enjoy the love of those who are there right now. Your family will come around, mine did. And if they miss the big event and the time after that, well they have no one to blame but themselves. My Mom to this day regrets the time missed, but it was not for lack of trying. Please enjoy the time left before your precious baby is born. Enjoy it with those who give you uncondidional love and support. There is not much more you can do. Time will sort things out and they will come around. If they are not readt to try, tought, its not like you can put your delivery on hold while they make up their minds. I have had a lot of family conflicts to deal with, but I have come to the conclussion that I love my family, faults in all, but now it is up to them to come to me. Like you, I hope for the best. My door like yours is always open. The next step is theirs. Please relax and enjoy your baby and your hubby, all the rest is icing on the cake/. Take care and have a great delivery and may God bless you all. Nanna Pat

Deanna - posted on 07/22/2012

12

0

1

If you and your husband have a strong loving relationship and he has a loving family, then your child will be loved and supported with or without your family. And if they decide it's time, you welcome them back into your lives slowly and on your terms.

Georgetta - posted on 07/20/2012

16

8

0

Well, whether you like or not the baby is going to born into some conflict or just being born. You can call them and let them know of the birth and that they are welcome to come and visit, but my husband will not disrepected in any way. Now the ball is in there court. If they choose not to accept, let it go. Either they are going to come around or not. You can only do so much. I learned a long time ago, that family can sometimes be your worst enemy. They expect certain consideration because they are family. If they are really family, then they would put you under these conditions. Family is not a one way street. It works both ways

Kathleen - posted on 07/20/2012

4

0

0

It sounds as if your family is a lot like mine. Mom is always trying to run our lives, even though we are in our 40's. She even got two of my brothers to gang up on another of my brothers to get my brother kicked out of his home. He's on disability and does nto have enough money to live on his own so he was sharing an appartment with one of the two brothers who ganged up on him. The two brothers (ane is emoitonally disturbed and the other is an alcoholic) feel they did nothing wrong and don;t see how my mother is runnin their lives (and ruining them). She has managed to spit up one of them from his long term girlfriend (of about 15 years) and is currently trying to break op the marriage of the other.

I am very firm with my mother about intruding upon my life and have made it very clear that I will leave if they start bickering or talking ill of one another in front of my son. I try to see them separately, but that usually doesn't work out as it is a two and a half hour drive to where they live. So far, they respect my feelings and have been doing well at behaving when we visit. I also let them know that I am not going to enter into their dramas with one another. If they want advice, I'm happy to listen. But I will not listen if they simply want to crucify another family member. The sad fact is that, in certain ways, they have not grown up yet. My mother, especially, is an emotional child, trying to control the playground because of her own insecurities.

I hope this helps. In the end, you will find that you have to give them a chance to know your child. They will never forgive you if you simply cut them out. It will be a couple of years before your child is old enough to understand any of what is going on. Express your feelings while your still pregnant, explain what you want from your family and tell them you won;t tolerate it. If they overstep, you will have to either leave or ask them to leave. They know their astions and feelings aren't healthy, even if they don't know how to act ina healthy, productive manner.

Good luck.

JoJo - posted on 07/20/2012

12

0

1

first breathe ur family will be there u have to give them there time specially cuz they will love that baby anyways and u dont want to push ur self into labor

MeMe---(Past And Present) - posted on 07/19/2012

134

0

11

I had the same issue, well sorta. I don't get along with my mother and she only lives 1.5 hours from me. I am like you and get along great with my in-laws. After countless heartache and bickering with my mother, I have ended the relationship. I had to.



I am not suggesting this is what you need to do, since it isn't yourself having the issues with your family but it is causing you to have stress, which is not healthy. Honestly, though, your family either need to suck it up or you need to worry about what is most important - your "new" family (your husband and baby). Just remember, your family the ones that are going to miss out, so just let them know, to come and find you guys when they ARE ready. Then who knows, maybe YOU won't be ready. Let them sit and stew on their own immaturity, see if letting them be for awhile helps bring them around. If not, well, you may have to move on.



My mother has no idea, we are getting ready to have another baby, either. She is very close with my 13.5 year old but has not had the chance to get to know our 21 month old. We have not talked in over 6 months and I am actually, really feeling at peace, for once in my life. I took the bull by the horns and put my foot down. You're going to have to do the same thing. It is sad but true. ;)



Good Luck!!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms