anyone have any advice on family conflict?

Kale - posted on 07/12/2012 ( 209 moms have responded )

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I am 32 weeks pregnant and there is some conflict between my hubby and my side of the family. I really dont want our baby to be born into a family of conflict and my hubby feels its time to start building a relationship with them for the sake of our baby. My family on the other hand says they arent ready....im due in 8 weeks and she doesnt deserve to be put in a situation like that. I am really close to his family and go to all the family functions and whatnot but my family refuses to do the same due to not being "ready".Im stuck between a rock and a hard place and dont know what to do

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Haley - posted on 07/16/2012

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It is hard. Im young...got married at 19 and been married for almost 13 years. There have been a lot of conflict in my husbands side of the family. They are family though. If you are a spiritual person try praying and give it time. Don't push them to try to get along. Just live your life with your husband and children and do the best YOU can. Your children will see and learn from your example.

Patti - posted on 07/16/2012

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First, what is the reason your family doesn't support your relationship? Some reasons are actually valid reasons not to want to be friends with someone--regardless of their relationship to someone one loves--such as leaving a wife and kids for someone new, being an abusive person, or hooking up with someone young enough to be a daughter to try to recapture one's youth, being lazy and refusing to work for a living, etc.... Some reasons are not valid--such as racism or difference in economic status. Whatever the reason, you can't force your family to agree with you or to have a relationship with your husband. You knew from the beginning that this was going to be an issue, and you married him anyway. Having a baby cannot and should not be used to force your family to accept your husband--whether or not they have a legitimate reason for not wanting a relationship with him. The bottom line is that you chose your husband over your family. If you and your husband are happy, just focus on being good parents. Don't expect your family to live a lie or be hypocrites. If the reason they don't have a relationship with your husband is valid, they're entitled to live their lives their own way, too. If the reason isn't valid, you're better off without them and so is your baby.

Alisha - posted on 07/16/2012

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Hi Kale,
It seems almost everyone has family conflicts and it sucks! I have my share too. It's great that your husband is willing to try to come to an agreement with you parents, I wish my husband was more like that. It's hard when you love your husband and your parents and want everyone to just get along and enjoy each other. It would make life so much easier. I have a sister that does not talk to me or want to see my daughter. My advice to you is to focus your time and energy on your baby. Time flies by so fast, before you know it she'll be 2 years old!! You have given your parents the option to join you and your husband in being involved in your new family. It is their decision if they chose not to. Do not bend over backwards to accommodate them. They will soon realize what they are missing and hopefully come around. You are not going to feel like taking your baby to visit them once you have her and you shouldn't without your husband as he is as much a part of your daughter as you are. They will need to come to you. It's something they need to deal with. Your husband is very much a part of your life and they need to get over it. All they best to you and your new family!

Zory - posted on 07/16/2012

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Don't put pressure on your family. Take it easy! Enjoy what you have and your family will get back to you when they are ready. Forget about them.... every day is unique, don miss it! Of course pregnant woman are very emotional and sensitive, but do your best to overcome the problem. Relax and have fun, this is good for you, the baby and your hubby ;-)

Jena - posted on 07/16/2012

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Hi Kate

Have a very difficult father-in-law that refuses to get along with me and has nothing nice to say about me either and hates my family!!!! But my hubby and I have just told him that if he wants to be apart of our lives and his grandkids lives then he just has toe the line and suck it up..... Every now and then he tries to make a scene but my husband tells his dad how it is again and the choice he has and he quietens down again! My hubby loves my family but we support each other no matter what, we do not let the family come between us and it is their choice if they want to be part of YOUR lives not you apart of theirs. Your husband and children are your family now and they are the most important and they must always come first, your family is going to miss out on so much if they dont get their act together soon. I hope you guys come to some kind of arrangement! Good luck and hope your little one arrives safely...

Sowmya - posted on 07/16/2012

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Oh there was a lot of drama when I had my son. My MIL my parents I all of us were fighting and if u ask me now I would say I was a stupid to drag myself in to that drama. I say u just focus on ur baby, I still regret the time I spent on that useless fight. So u chill, enjoy ur baby's kicks and movements, read books and wait for ur bundle of joy arrival. Remember ur stress will effect ur unborn child and later ur supply. It's not worth it.

Dawn - posted on 07/16/2012

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I feel your pain honey BUT... your family is YOU,HUSBAND AND BABY..
Whatever problems your parents have with your husband is THEIR problem NOT yours.. your husband has offered the 'olive branch' and still they are refusing, so please, just let them be.. what more can you do.. just tell your parents that you will leave the door 'open' for when they are 'ready' but until then you do NOT want to hear anymore about it and that you will be concentrating on YOU, HUSBAND AND BABY as this is your priority. Honestly, when your beautiful little baby arrives and they are not seeing her, they will regret they way they are behaving, but please, like someone else here has said, please DO NOT sneak round with baby to see them behind your husband's back as this will backfire. Just you and husband concentrate on being the best little family unit you can be and your little baby will benefit.

Lorrielyn - posted on 07/16/2012

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Im in the same position as u.. My hubby and doesnt communicate with my hubby brother cuz his gf called me names and so did his brother.. I told him his not allowed in my house but I never told my hubby not to talk to his brother... It was my hubby choice... Anywaz I get blame for my hubby and his brother not talking by his mom but his dad doesn't see it that way he thinks his gf is the reason why things the way it is.. So what me and my hubby does is moved on and enjoy our family...

Rose - posted on 07/15/2012

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Pray and ask God to resolve your family conflict. You shouldn't stress yourself at a time like this. Your energy should be spent on thinking about the arrival of your baby. God bless you and your baby. May your delivery be safe and easy.

YOLI - posted on 07/15/2012

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Is time to form a new family you, your husband and the baby. Everybody else is secondary. Do not pay attention to people who knows how to press ur buttons. Time to cut the umbilical cord. Tell them to call you back when they are ready don't be so ready to bend to idiotic game playing people even if they r ur parents. Be a woman, a mom and a wife. Stand ur ground or u will never be respected.

Kristine - posted on 07/15/2012

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Family situation are challenging. I have not spoken to my brother is over 2 years because I called his wife a bitch one morning at breakfast, when I tired to apologize later than day and weeks later she didn't want to hear it. My husband has helped me try to make mends but both are stuck in the past. I finally had enough when last April my brother called the police in the town I live in whiltwo weeks before our wedding while my husband to be was over seas on business and tried to get me arrested for attempted suicide (which wasn't true) and our daughter put in social services. Need less to say he story didn't check out and I had to show up at the police station with my daughter and witness to get charges drop. Anyway my point is some times we just have have to let go and move on with our lives. I always thought my brother would be the God father to one of my child I have less than 25 days to my due date and my husband and I still can not bring our selves to picking God parents.

Shelia - posted on 07/15/2012

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I too have had family conflicts t deal with and some it has never been resolved, not because I did not want it to be or that it could not be resolved. These people are plain and simply selfish, self centered and unwilling to grow up and deal with their problems with anyone. This is how my family on my birth father's side is. I kept sticking out the olive branch over the years and finally realized that they are the problem, not me or my husband and children. I cut them out of life. It hurt for a little while, then I realized I was free of their crap and I was finally happy with who I was and who I wanted to be. Kale, you are not responsible for their stupidity, so do yourself a favor and let them go. IF they love you, they will make the move to rectify the situation, if not, it is THEIR LOSS, not yours. It sounds to me that they do not deserve to have you in their lives, unless of course, they apologize and get over themselves. I would only keep in contact with those who support me, love me and who are kind to me and my husband. The others are just weights around you neck and will only drag you down. It took me too long to figure this out and I wish I would have cut people out of my life sooner. It would have saved me the heartache and confusion, not only to myself, but to my children. I pray that you have a safe and happy delivery and that you and your husband grow closer and stronger than ever. Congratulations on your little bundle. :)

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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You don't need them then. It is not you it is them. I have learned this through my in laws. I am due any day and I will have nothing to do with my sister in law and brother in law. They are toxic to our relationship and the new baby. When there is a function my hubby and I talk about it and if he really feels he should go and I don't then he takes the kids and goes without me. It is better on me and the family.

Apryl - posted on 07/15/2012

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Wow, this is so hard. Remember that you left your family to start a family of your own with your husband and one day, you too will be the grandparents, managinging all of the aunts and uncles, grand children and in laws. Your first priority is to honor your husband and require respect towards him from your family. This will help keep YOUR family strong and happy. It's sounds like you are blessed to have a family of in laws that you love and will love your daughter. Not being "ready" to love and respect a family member seems weir and sort of unaccepting of you and your husband. I would remain polite and loving, send pictures a Facebook or email updates. Invite them to major events and if they choose not to come' then just let it go and enjoy your family. Conflict is life getting invited to an argument' you can always politely decline to participate in conflict. Best wishes on your beautiful daughter . Remember always honor your husband first and your life will be so great. You are created to be his Help meet and partner for lif. Your baby need strong united parents much more than extended family who dwells in conflict andavoids forgiveness.

Bonnie - posted on 07/15/2012

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Post a reply! There if nothing saying you have to have anything to do with them let them come to you your baby and you doesn't need that' .go on with your life be happy

Mhel - posted on 07/15/2012

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Hi Kate! I truly understand what you're going through. I know you love your family too but remember that you have your own family now especially with your upcoming baby. You have to take control and decide that you won't let anyone victimize you or your family. I honestly don't know where your family is coming from( I don't know why they're acting that way) but since you cannot control them... You have to let it go for now. Choose to be happy for yourself, your husband and baby. Just pray that may God touch your family's heart and mind. I wish you well. Smile...:)

Maria - posted on 07/15/2012

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Enjoy the the birth of your child! It is their loss if they can't be an adult. You have your own child to raise. When and if they become ready then you can include them if you want. Enjoy your new family and don't let negativity in if you can help.

Shannon - posted on 07/15/2012

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It's unfortunate that your family is choosing to not be a part of your lives, but that is essentially what they are doing. I agree with others who say that you and your hubby are a team, and now a family with your new little one, and we've had lots of conflict in my family. Ironically, my parents were not speaking to me when I went into labor 3 weeks early, but magically, just having my daughter healed a lot. I'm not saying the same will happen for you, but just be a healthy family (the three of you) and hopefully your family will come around to it when they see that you are doing wel without them, especially if they see your husband's family being closer than them. Maybe, they'll have some good jealousy.

Chris - posted on 07/15/2012

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I've been married for 36 years, 3 beautiful adult children, one beautiful grandchild all whom I consider more precious than life. I have had issues with both sides of the family tree so to speak.
Remember always to be true to yourself, have respect for all no matter what!
You will never be in control of what someone else says, thinks, does except yourself and you can only be control of yourself. If you can keep all the above on your mind and in your heart no matter what, your children will grow up respecting you as and mature adult !
Our children come into the world needing us from the first second they breathe, they will need your love, nurturing, guidance and direction to be the best they can be as a person. If you start from day one letting other things in their lives more important for them to thrive be taught to them like the drama of ones family hatred, dislikes,opinions, non-acceptance of each other, etc. this will intertwine itself into them like family drama can, they will grow up to know this more not because of DNA but that it was taught to them. You may never have cruel intention of doing this but if you and your spouse, partner do not discuss how you will handle it before your baby is here it will take over your lives!
Having said all the above,I've lived and breathe what you are about to have as a everyday for the rest of your life situation and how you handle it now and what you will do about it is very easy for me to tell you, its hard as hell to go back and appreciate what you have and say responsibly after the fact.
Years of regret, therapy, and now happiness, no regrets, let go of what you can't control, you'll have a happy life and a happy healthy baby!
I have a wonderful loving husband without his love and respect of my imperfect, always" one day at a time" changing mind, I would of never gotten to the point I could with a open mind share all of this with a perfect stranger, love yourself, and respect yourself, all comes after you do that.

Susan - posted on 07/15/2012

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I think family is worth trying to work it out..they said they are not ready, give them more time, let them make the next move.

Robin - posted on 07/15/2012

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If they are not ready to accept your husband, and you only have a few weeks left until your daughter is born, then I say it's their problem and they will miss out on their granddaughter. You should not be worrying about other people's issues at this time" Concentrate onYOUR family. good luck!

Jenell - posted on 07/15/2012

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Kale, what is it that they don't like and they aren't ready for? I went through a similar situation. My step mom and my dad don't like my boyfriend and father of my children. We have been together for 10 years and he is obviously not going anywhere. But still she tries to say things to get me to leave. My mom and step dad are the complete opposite and take him for who he is and treated him like family the moment we started dating.

I ignore everything my step mom says and has said. Whatever your family isn't ready for they need to find their own way to get over it. If you are invited to a family event or function politely decline unless your husband is welcome. My boyfriend is always welcome to come with me, but he usually is the one to decide he will stay home. Even if he isn't specifically invited I will bring him anyway! Keep the door for communication open and and feel free to invite them to any event/function that you are having. Maybe someday they will be willing to change the way they feel. Let them know that if they want to be a part of your child's life they need to accept your family as a unit, not just you and your child. If they want to see your child and know her then invite them over, don't go there where your husband isn't welcome. I wouldn't let them have any one on one with your child though, they could start putting ideas in her head.

The ball is in your court, you hold the power, and they need to respect and accept what you want.

Deborah - posted on 07/15/2012

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Firstly you should not use your baby as a pawn in this family conflict. If your parent's aren't ready to accept hubby, then visit them with just baby and you. Be positive about your hubby
around your parent's and let them know what a good dad and hubby he is. Let time heal.

Nancy - posted on 07/15/2012

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Sounds like your family.....is very selfish.....and you need to let them know, that there is a new member of the family coming soon....and if they want to be part of the new babies life, they better grow up,before its to late!!

Diana - posted on 07/15/2012

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OK, so most everyone is saying that your family is toxic and stupid for saying they're "not ready" to accept him. You haven't given any background on why they're saying this, so it's hard to judge.

Just to give the other side of the argument... Were you close with your family before you met/married your husband? Did he do something that upset them? I married a man most of my friends and family didn't like. I thought it was true love. Turned out I had merely succumbed to his manipulative charms, and no one else had. My family didn't take it to the extreme that yours did, but they all told me, after I left him, that they'd been waiting for me to leave for a long time. My ex was an alcoholic and abusive, and I'd have been better off listening to the silent messages my friends and family were giving me.

If you had a good relationship with your family before this, I would expect they see something you don't. If you didn't have a good relationship with them, and you've left their toxic ways behind, then just walk away until they're ready to accept you on your terms. Either way, good luck!

Marie - posted on 07/15/2012

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U can't please everyone. Your child will feel love from both you hubby and yourself. His family is a bonus pack of love give your family time love just happens when babies are the reason. As soon as they see that adorable face their hearts will belong to the baby.

Amy - posted on 07/15/2012

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Egads! I hate to start out by saying this, but is it possible that your family has legitimate reasons for not liking your husband? In my experience, when a woman complains that her family doesn't like her husband, it later surfaces that he mistreated her in some serious way. Is it possible that there is something to their complaints? If so, you owe it to yourself and your baby to have an honest look at these issues and insist that your hubby work on repairing the problem.

As for your family, you need to sit down with two or three of those you can count on to be your allies. Tell them, "I know that my husband is not your favorite person, and that makes me sad, but I can't ask you to change the way you feel. I can ask you, though, to change the way you act, because I don't want to be uncomfortable bringing my family to holidays and family functions, and I think we owe it to this baby to make it possible for him (or her) to enjoy spending time with both sides of his/ her family. Will you please put aside your feelings and be cordial to my husband when we are together?"

Good luck to you.

Marian - posted on 07/15/2012

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I wouldn't worry to much about it at this point. Stressing yourself and your baby is not worth it. Everybody is adults and needs to figure things out themselves. Right now, your priority needs to be on this enormous adventure you are on, called pregnancy. Once baby arrives you may find that whatever issues existed before are a thing of the past. Babies have an amazing way of helping families find their way back together in harmony.
As long as the drama isn't affecting your ability to rest peacefully and concentrate on you and baby, I wouldn't give it much more thought.

User - posted on 07/15/2012

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I meant to say he helped her get her first car, not that he helped her get her first job twice.

User - posted on 07/15/2012

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My situation is very similar but I am the grandmother. My daughter does not like my husband, even though he has been there for her for the past ten years. He got her her first job, he helped her get her first job, he babysat her first son all the time. We did a lot for her. He babysat her second son after he turned a year old. She has a daughter that is a year and a half. She could not believe it when my husband showed up at the hospital to see her and the baby. It is the only time he has seen her. She refuses to let him see the boys, even though he has spent a great deal of time with them. Now she will not let me see them, either. I believe a lot of it has to do with her husband because he does not like my husband. He is the father of the two youngest but not the oldest. He treats the oldest differently and my husband called him on it. My son-in-law says that my husband is not the kids' grandfather. Biologically, he is not, but they have grown up calling him Papa. He is the best father my daughter has ever had. It hurts us deeply that she has put us in this situation but we are leaving it alone because we do not want to put the children in the middle of this any more than they already are. They are the ones that get hurt in situations like this. I agree with others. Even though you are close with your family, you need to think of your daughter first. My daughter and I were close, too. You have your own family. If your parents want to be a part of your and your daughters' lives, they need to accept your husband and let whatever happened in the past go. I know it is hard. I am dealing with it, too. Good luck to you and your family.

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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As long as you are not being mentally or physically abused or abandoned by your husband, then what is the problem that they have? My in-laws have said some really hurtful things, but in the end, they got over it, grew up a little bit and have learned to keep their mouths shut if they don't like something. My family is MINE and not theirs. I am not asking for opinions, especially theirs... sounds like you. Tell them to BYOB or don't be with them.

Hurtful relationships are not helpful relationships.

** Focus on your new baby. **

Kathy - posted on 07/15/2012

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This is a tough situation and this was the situation my family had 4 years ago before my daughter was born. My MIL was very selfish and obnoxious and never wanted to be friendly with me or my family and made it clear she thought she was in charge and if she said jump we were supposed to jump. That was all fine until my daughter was born and at that point, I had MY FAMILY to look out for. We tried to incorporate her into everything we did and she was always invited to everything. At my daughter's first birthday she got bent out of shape about something my mother said jokingly and we had a big blowout, but managed to recoup the relationship. We finally had the last straw with her when she threatened to call family services due to a faulty thumb that my daughter was born with that wasn't hurting anything. We will need to fix it one day but today she doesnt even notice it and my MIL threatened to report us for being bad parents and she came in our house yelling and screaming like a crazy woman. We cut her off right then and there. Now two years later to be perfectly honest I am glad she is not a part of our life because she would be teaching all that drama to my daughter and I would be miserable and she doesnt need to learn that. We now have a second child that she has not met due to her drama and the kids do not know what they have not met and it is for the best. My MIL has made no effort to repair the relationship only try to guilt us into an apology. And before you ask my husband is the one who refuses to talk to her and is still mad and her. I was willing to at least speak with her,but he doesnt want to see her yet. So take my word for it and look out for your new family first and foremost and just try to make peace as best you can, but eventually they may push too far and you have to protect your kids from the drama. Good Luck!

Nikeisha - posted on 07/15/2012

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In life we come across situations that we ourselves cant handle, not everyone both of you are going to get along with on either side of the family but let no one separate or disrespect you and your husband. Don't let family stop you from being happy with your brand new baby on the way you suppose to be happy and let no one stop you. You are all adults you need to find away to work things out and move on. what ever you do be happy and enjoy life with your family, because your going to be so busy with your baby until you wont kn ow yourself.

Celestine - posted on 07/15/2012

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I have been going threw this for the last 5 years. I tried to get them to get along but it was no hope. Im bought to have my 3rd child and they still dont get along. I gave up.

Michelle - posted on 07/15/2012

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Reading some more from other people I do have to say that it does not matter what the real issue is here, it's what you want. Obviously whatever happened in the past you were able to forgive, your parents should too, after all its now your life, your talking about. Could you live without your husband? Or without your parents? We can all give advice,but we are all different, what makes one person happy on here does not make the next person happy, what is going to make you happy? What you feel will make you happy, is what is the main issue. Yes we can all give advice. Go with what you feel is right. Your pregnant your whole family needs to grow up. We are all here for a reason, we all need to learn for ourselves, we can't have our parents living for us. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Laurie - posted on 07/15/2012

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If your family are good people and want to be a part of the baby's life than don't shut them out. If they have good reason to want to distance themselves from your husband than respect that. Don't lose your family because of him...especially if it is something he did for them to shut him out. All families have conflict...you make sure every decision you make here forward is for the best interest of that baby and you will be fine. Someone may always be "hurt" or upset by your decisions but as long as you know you are making the right decision for your child, everything will work out in the end. Best of luck!

Michelle - posted on 07/15/2012

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Your husband is wanting to put it all aside to try and get along with your parents. If they do not want to respond its up to you to stick up for your husband. I lost all contact with my Inlaw when she refused to treat me with any respect only because I was going out with her son. She hated all the gf's. 30 years on and she is only now coming around and treating me better, she is now elderly and worried she will be alone when she looses the hubby to a sickness, even in her will she wrote that her and her son have not seen each other as much as she would have liked over the years. They can't treat the partners like crap and get away with it, you have to pull away from the parents if you really love the husband. I really don't think we would have lasted if I constantly saw her. She was always so rude to me. She only stopped one day when my daughter answered the phone she thought it was me, and my daughter said she was really rude to her. She only treated me that way behind my husbands back. She is worried that if she doesn't treat me right she will be left alone being elderly. You have so much to think about. But your husband wants to try, your parents don't, you need to respect what he is doing, stick up for him. Tell your parents a child is on the way things have to change or you will back away from them. Me being a parent I would never go against my daughters' boyfriends it is up to them who they see. If I don't like it bad luck I would never tell them. I still treat them with respext if that is what my daughters want. They have to learn for themselves as long as they are happy that is the main thing. They always come and see me. We all go through stuff just like our patents did, we have to learn from our own mistakes, what we do in our lives have got nothing to do with our parents. We as parents are always there if we are needed. I would never ever butt in, or treat them like crap. It just pushes them away. I treat them all as one of my own. Maybe that is why they all love coming here. You should not let them think they can get away with it. This is all my own opinion, you don't have to listen to it. We are all different, it's how I think.

Jessica - posted on 07/15/2012

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My husbands family hates my guts. And I have a daughter from my first marriage and they had a heart attack when she started calling him dad since hers isn't in the picture. And well I don't really worry about. I'm married to their son and they will have to deal with it. Cause I'm not going anywhere and we love each other for keeps lol. So you to stick together and don't worry about your family of they can't deal with your husband that's their issue not yours.

Jessica - posted on 07/15/2012

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How long have you been married. I mean it really comes down to that your family needs to grow up and deal with it. Tell them to stop being babies. And get off thier buts and deal with it. Or they just get left out.

Amy - posted on 07/15/2012

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your husband and your baby are your family and should be your priority you should not seperate them for visits with your family when they are no able to get over their issues. if you start by only taking the baby to visit by yourself then they will expect it to be like that forever. stand by your husband and hope that they will realise what they are missing out on and come around

Kelly - posted on 07/15/2012

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My family doesn't like my husband either but I have made it clear to them that if they want me and my kids in their lives our family is a package deal. They have to be kind and respectful or they won't see us. It's not because I don't love them, because I do.but I will not let my children be raised in their pretty drama. (their reason for not liking him? Different political parties. Like I said, petty.)

Melissa - posted on 07/15/2012

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let your family come to you and your new family in their time and don't let it worry you. You enjoy your new family and your new life as a new mom.

Teresa - posted on 07/15/2012

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Ok, I've read all the advice, but I think there is more to the story. Kale, you've said that your family is overprotective due to past abuse, and they aren't very accepting of things anyway. So exactly what is the problem? There are pages of advice on here.....talk it out, forget your family, stand up for your husband.....etc. But none of the advice means anything without knowing what the issue really is. Did your husband do the abusing your family is concerned about? Was it when you were little and they can't quit watching out for you? Is your husband good to you, and wants to be part of your side of the family, or what history is there that is keeping that from happening? No one wants to pry and have you tell more than you want to on a public forum, and I'm certainly not one to ask you to do that, but it can't be just as simple as "my husband wants to but my family isn't ready". I am sorry for you that you are in the middle, and know you are concerned that your baby not be put in that position. It's a terrible place to be in, I know. I hope you are able to work everything out, because babies need everyone in their family as they grow up!!

Siobhan - posted on 07/15/2012

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Sometimes there is nothing you can do, talk to your partner and talk to your family, try and keep the peace as much as possible, my family havent always liked and got on with my partner but now they get on like a house on fire. it did just fix itself. hope this helps. :)

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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I think it depends on whether your parents are justified in feeling so unforgiving to your husband, and whether they can refrain from disparaging him in front of his children. We've been going through an almost identical situation in our family. The fact of the matter is my brother-in-law was given a lot of leeway in our family, but there was a final straw. While we all remain civil with him, he isn't currently welcome at family meals. We love my sister, we love her children and we respect her decision but none of us feel the need to make amends with her husband. She has made her choices, and respects our right to feel the way we do about it. It is complicated, but we all do our best. The most important thing is that her children know they are much loved and are an important part of the family!

Amanda - posted on 07/15/2012

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I haven't read all the responses to you, so I apologize if I repeat advice here.

True, you have to focus on how the family conflict affects the child. However, if your family is in the 'wrong', you are disrespecting your husband by trying to push a truce 'for the sake of the children'.

15 hellish years i have suffered from my husbands family. I had begged him to not have to be around them, etc etc. Not until our oldest daughter got hurt by them did we cut ties. Our eldest has been negatively affected. The younger two don't really know them since they were under two when the ties were cut.

Honestly, I am very hurt that my husband 'allowed' me to be treated so horribly by his mother. We are in counseling and he does have many regrets. It is hard to realize that your family is the problem. The counselor has given us ideas that we never thought of, for ex. I do not 'have to' talk to or see them. Since they are such horrible infulences, i could have kept the children at home and allowed him to spend some time with them. (not that he really wanted to). When they call, text, email, etc IF i respond, now it is take it up with my husband. The reason we cut ties is really tragic and we know that hubby will never forgive and forget what happened to our daughter.

Lastly, I would like to add, prior to the incident that they were cut out, don't think that our eldest did not notice and get upset with how they treated Mommy.

Best of luck to you guys.

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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Kale, I know it's difficult when it is your own family, however this is YOUR baby - something you and your husband created between you. It is not created by anyone else. Now this little babe has to come first. It is your precious, vulnerable child and anyone that starts creating problems because THEY are not ready -is too bad! The babe will arrive when it is READY and frankly, anyone that is making waves - can go and play in the park! It is neither fair on you or your husband to start freaking out with attitudes, when it is YOU who has to go through the birth and the rearing of the baby. So, what I'm trying to say is that I think you should both talk nicely but firmly to your family and explain that either they get a grip and come to terms with things. You are holding out an "olive branch" and they must meet you half way - or they should shut up and get on with their lives. Good luck.

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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As sad as it is, it seems the only way to protect your child from the conflict and drama may be to remove them from her life. Let them know that you love them but love your child more. Make sure they know that you will not allow your child to witness family conflict. Tell them it will be their choice not to have this child in their life by refusing to make amends or at the very least be respectful and tolerant of your child's father. Tell them that your child is half of him and you will not stand for your child feeling bad about him/herself because of that. If they still choose not to allow your baby,s father in their life then it is THEM, not you, making the choice to isolate themselves from your baby. As a mother it is your job to protect your child. Not only from physical dangers but emotional ones as well. And sometimes its sad but family members can be part of those dangers. I know its hard but ultimately you are doing what's best for your family. And most likely your side of the family will change their tune when faced with the possibility of not having their grandchild in their life. If they would rather hold onto their grudge than have their grandchild in their life than you are way better off without them.

Rosemarie - posted on 07/15/2012

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I have lived with conflict my entire marriage on my husbands side of the family. I am married 19 years and have children 18, 16, and twins 13. I can say from experience that it's truly difficult. My husband's family are a bunch of opinionated people who disagree on almost anything. I am a good person and live a wholesome life. The problem is they have never accepted me. It is hurtful. My daughters have had to live with the family controversy their entire life. I have chosen to let them be with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and put my feelings aside. Do I think it is right no, but it is their family. I chose not to have my husbands family hurt me anymore. I am at a place where I ignore comments. For me it is the right thing to do. Kate I do not know your situation but you have 2 choices, let them go or have them in your life. The question you need to ask yourself is when your daughter is older and asks you "Mom and Dad why don't I get to see the other side of my family?". For me, I didn't want my kids to be denied the rest of THEIR family. My kids are older and have made up their minds about certain people in our family because they were exposed to those family members. The blame cannot be placed on me for denying the children to see the other side of the family. If there are drugs or alcohol involved then that is another story and I wouldn't let your daughter be exposed to that. Good luck. Xo

B - posted on 07/15/2012

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how are you stuck? Your family is now your husband and your child..

I'd recommend you read the book "Boundaries in Marriage"

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