Are his kids my resposibility??

Diana - posted on 07/03/2012

I can't believe how many people think you know what you are getting into when you marry a man that already has children. I had NO IDEA what I was getting into when I married my husband. He had his daughter every other weekend and occasionally inbetween and I didn't have any children - I had no idea what all parenting entails! No I didn't think about his ex-wife dying and us taking custody of their daughter. I was a college graduate with a good steady job and stable life, it wasn't lack of intelligence, but how do you expect a person to know what they are getting into when they have no way of telling what the future would bring and have not had children of their own.
I feel for you. I know there is good in every child, but there's a lot of hatred and anger and disrespect that unfortunately can be directed at the new person and if they were raised getting away with spoiled, naughty, and hurtful behavior, then you are supposed to be responsible for someone else's terrible parenting and no power to discipline or enforce rules.

Susan - posted on 07/03/2012

I can tell that most of the people who responded to you are not step parents becuase they are slopping out the tripe of "You knew he had children, ... It's not that cut an dry ladies. Don't make it out to be. If you don't live in our land, don't judge it by your land's standards. Yes, there are children involved and their needs must be considered. But don't take it for granted that a stepmother is the same biological parent. We don't snap into place and just take over the mother's role. There are a lot of dynamics in play (loyalty binds, past hurts, etc.) that make the situation much different than your typical family. It's a fragile system, and you don't really understand the full magnitude of it until your in it.

Shame on you all for juding when you've never been in that person's shoes.

It is your husband's and hix ex-wife's responsiblity to take care of their shared children. Is there a custody agreement? If so, that should dictate the terms of who should do what. This is their issue, not yours to deal with the particulars of custody.

You husband will, of course, want to take custoday - as he is most likely willing to do what because they are his children. You can respect that and support it, but it is not wrong to feel the way you're feeling. It's overwhelming. You'll be making a sacrifice that will most likely go unappreciated by the majority affected by your decision. This is a big deal. Don't let anyone make you feel like anything less because you feel this way. It's normal.

If you do end up housing his children, you need to do is work with your husband to agree on what ground rules and a budget need to be set if you are to have any of these children come into your care. You need to be on the same page, and HE needs to set the ground rules in place for his children. He needs to take the lead on the discipline with his kids. One of the most important that they may not have to like you, but they should give you respect. You are only there in enforce the rules.

Rose - posted on 07/03/2012

I dont envy you dear Meg. Its not easy but i guess if you love the man you will have to take the kids as well. Also support him to get a job. some time its good to put yourself in his shoes. imagine you are the one with 5 children would you like him to support you and the kids???? just a question

Autumn - posted on 07/03/2012

You had another child with him knowing he already lost custody of five at one point and didn't even fight to get his parental rights back? Wow.. He needs to get a life and you need to wake up. Of course you have a commitment to them, you voluntarily entered their dads life. Step up or shut up... And don't date single parents if you are afraid of the responsibility... Let alone marry and add another life to the mix!

Tina - posted on 07/03/2012

Thanks, it comes from bitter experience.

Jen - posted on 07/03/2012

It is a tough situation but one you should have been prepared for the day you married him. What this woman died instead? YOu'd then get the children too.

Yes, you will have to find a way to make this work. You chose a man with a very large responsibility on his shoulders.

Kristi - posted on 07/03/2012

While I mostly agree with the position that you knew he had kids and while legally you have no obligation to them, morally, one would hope you feel otherwise as they did not ask to born to two deadbeats. However, in this case, if your husband does not have any parental rights, I would get the authorities involved right away. Because, the minute you accept them into your home, she can call the housing authority, if you haven't, and turn you in, she can call 911 and say you kidnapped the children, if they get hurt in your care neither one of you can authorize medical treatment for them and so on. I am not telling you this so you can use it as an excuse to kick those kids to the curb. I'm advising you of this so you can go about things the smart, legal way. I don't know where you live but from the sounds of it, IF they could find a family to take all the kids, they'd be better off in a foster home anyways. Their mom is dope head, I'm sorry, but it sounds like their dad is not much better and you don't want them...how shitty is that for a kid?

My first ex-husband sounds insanely like this guy, we took custody of 2 of his daughters because their mom was in a bad place. (he had 4. 1 with a woman who left and never let him see her and 3 with his 1st wife, 1 lived with her other grandma and then we took 2, he walked out of prison oweing over $15,000 in back due support and I thought he changed for us! HA!) I worked, he sort of did, I took care of my newborn and my step-daughters, one of which was a hellion. I love them to this day like they were my own. When I wised up, which is truthfully what I hope you'll do, and left, I took all the girls. When their mom got settled and made room I gave them back to her. I would never leave a child to suffer like that. (I'm not saying you need to leave and take his kids) But you do need to act and wisely. Good luck.

Julie - posted on 07/03/2012

a couple get together and eihter get married or dont but they are living together and have kids. then one day that relationship falls apart usualy through affairs (not all but the biggest part of them) some people can split ammicably and get on with their lives and the children are perfectly happy however a lot dont and the kids are caught in the middle leading misserable lives.

if you start a relationship with a person who has kids to someone else then you knew exactly what that relationship entailed either the you moved in with the kids or they visit at weekends /holidays etc. you knew that maybe one day those kids either all or some may decide to live with the parent you are now with (if you didnt you need to take off your rose timted glasses and see the bigger picture and stop deluding yourself that life is going to go on as it is)

as the NOW stepparent it is also your responsibility to make sure those kids are happy and cared for in your care or other wise. the kids did not ask to be in this situation and you as the adult have to act like the adult and stop stamping your feet like a toddler and say you didnt expect this. it ios not a matter of expected it or not it is happening and you need to be the adult and responsible one and get all the ADULTS(not children) sit down and talk things through responsibly with no name calling and find a solution to the problem THEN AND ONLY THEN when the solution is found you all sit with the kids and make sure they know what is happening and that they are loved and wanted and will be looked after and happy and make sure things stay that way and that they are happy. the way you act now will shape the way those children act in the future. stop taking your frustration and mood out on the kids they did nothing wrong

Aimee - posted on 07/03/2012

I am sorry but if the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel? You married a man with 5 children and now that they need your help as well as their father's you are upset by that? Can you not go to the housing people and explain your situation. Stop belly aching you knew what you were getting into before you got married. They are children not piles of poop as one person has said. I am truly disgusted!

Tina - posted on 07/03/2012

I'd be telling your husband to get off his butt get a decent job and support all of his children not leave it all up to you. Your in quite the predicament I'd only step in if there's no other choice. The mothers can seek help and the father can try to be supportive. If the kids end up having no where to go then the father needs to step up and take on responsibility. Not leave it all up to you.

Yoli - posted on 07/03/2012

Tina, that is very wise and level-headed. I like your advice to Megs.

Sarah - posted on 07/03/2012

Meg's, Don't listen to these people. It doesn't matter that you married a man with 5 children. They were not living with him at the time you got together. You married him according to what you guys had at the time you did. Do what you feel is best for you and your child. That is all that matters. Step parents have absolutely no rights to their stepchildren. Zero. Zilch. Nothing! No financial responsibilty, no care taking responsibilty, nothing. Until some judge makes a law that step parents now have rights to their step children, it is not your job as a parent to give those children what their own parents can't or won't do for them. The burden is on your husband and his ex to do that. As a judge would say to you if you were to try and intervene as a step parent in the care of those children "you are not a party to this case". If you decide to help out of the kindness of your own heart, then you are a saint. If you decide it's too much for you to handle, then you have every right. Your still a good person. You do not owe anyone anything just because you married a man with children.

Chaya - posted on 07/02/2012

You can tell the dad to take physical care of his children. If you're doing the financial support, whether he's working or not, they are not your children. Personally, I'd delight in the opprotunity, but you shouldn't do what you don't want to. I tell my sister who doesn't know who her childrens dad are that if she can breed them, she can feed them.

Alexandra - posted on 07/02/2012

no, i don't believe they are your responsibility.

Tina - posted on 07/02/2012

Megs, I saw this post and my heart ached for you.
Here are some things to think on.
Your first priority is to your blood child.
In order to take proper care of your child you need a clean, quiet, safe space to nurture him.
No matter how much you care for your husband, your baby comes first.
If you are already having a tough enough time to be on housing, there is absolutely no way you should jeopardize the well being of you and your child by allowing 5 extra illegal people in the dwelling.
Your husband not even ask this of you. If the children are with their blood mother, she can go to the state and get the proper help.
Do not get sucker punched/sand bagged into the hell you are about to fall into by accepting this massive poop pile of a problem that is not yours. The only way to not lose your sanity, and whatever else you hold dear, is to say no.
You have no legal standing as a step parent--- you can't even take them from school without written permission.
They are the responsibility of the blood mother. Do not acquiesce to her games, and do not feel guilty for protecting your own.
God Bless, T

Shawnn - posted on 07/02/2012

Good luck, Megan

Michelle - posted on 07/02/2012

The part I see with you where I can reall understand some of the anxiety is the mention of the disrespect on the part of the kids. Have you spoken with your husband about that? What is his take on it? Are the kids expecting to be treated as royalty while staying there? You need to have a serious talk with him that if they're there full-time there's no royalty treatment of visits. They become household members and are expected to help out. If your husband cannot support that then as he is currently unemployed, he needs to become the at home spouse, clean, cook, take care of all of his kids. If he won't you'll know where you stand and you may have additional tougher decisions to make in the future.

Megan - posted on 07/02/2012

@shawnn, here's a kicker...she (or should i say they) have already lost custody of all the kids, she at least scraped by enough to get them back, he never did so technically he lost his rights, but now that he is in a clean envirnments agian she wants him to take them agian, just like last itme i got my house...i am feeling more and more like an idiot for thinking he could change....she uses them to keep track of the dad, one day he's not alouyd to see them becuase she doenst like me, and the next day she wants us to keep them for however long she decides, and for her being evicted who knows if she is telling the truth because she is still there, and as far as i knew you only have a certain amount oftime to leave befre they lock you out....i thank you for all the feed back and advice,

Shawnn - posted on 07/02/2012

That's just it, Megan, their dad should be able to add them without consent from their mother. Its considered "extenuating circumstances", or circumstances beyond your control.

But you have to ask the agency how to do it. If Dad can do it, then have him sign the paperwork.

Besides, if she's that much of a loser, he needs to file custody and support paperwork, and remove them from the situation permanently.

Rachael - posted on 07/02/2012

do you have a right to be upset at the sudden change and increased responsibility? yes. but you married their father knowing he had 5 children and so you are now kind of stuck with them unless you want to divorce their father

Megan - posted on 07/02/2012

I have offered to add them to my case and help out, the mother refuses to let me add them and say s its not my place to add them, i said it is my place if she wants them to stay there!!

Shawnn - posted on 07/02/2012

Ok, so then I have this question. If the situation was THAT convoluted from the beginning, and you state YEARS of this happening, years of him not supporting his kids, etc...WHY on earth did you continue the relationship, and into a marriage complete with child of your own????

Not judging, but I have a very hard time understanding that mindset. You thought he'd be different with yours? And now that he IS being different, you're upset?

Bottom line is this: HE has the tools to take his ex back to court for custody. What are you going to do if that happens, and you end up raising your 5 step kids? I mean, seriously, you stuck with him this long, and though all of that, and now you're at the "put my foot down" point, and absolutely cannot abide even trying to make things work.

I'm sorry, but THOSE KIDS are not the problem. It's the choices that their mother is making, and I just cannot understand a person who would put kids on the street, whether they're yours or not. Granted, I open my home, on a regular basis to ANY kid needing a roof and some love. I've had up to 6 extra people living in my home (small home) just so that they and their kids wouldn't be on the street.

It sounds like you've already made your decision. You decided the day she called that you absolutely did not want to do that, and you've put up "reasons" why not. I'd say, at this point, at least be honest with your spouse. Tell him straight up that 1) you married him being well aware of his situation/kids, etc 2) you assumed that once you married he'd take care of you and your kid with him 3) since he doesn't work, you can't afford to take in his kids, and MOST IMPORTANTLY 4) that you really don't want to take them in, considering the situation. And make sure that you let him know that you don't have the patience, nor the money. Considering that they're his kids, you shouldn't have any problem getting them added conditionally to your case, and getting your benefits increased. Its called contingency funding, and most child service agencies and housing agencies will be more than willing to work with you.

But, if you're honest and tell him that you don't want to, then at least the kids won't be coming to your home, hoping for some stability and love.

Sarah - posted on 07/02/2012

But you're taking your frustration with the mother and your husband out on those children. They didn't ask for this situation, you did. you chose to marry a man with 5 kids and enter into the situation knowing what it's like. By marrying him, you have taken on that responsibility. You have a choice, leave your husband and let it be his problem alone, or be the bigger person and make it work.

Tisha - posted on 07/02/2012

If that's the case, then you guys need to keep the kids! They shouldn't be exposed to constant change, drugs and violence! While it maybe hard, it has to be done! It would be horrible if something happened to those kids under her care and influence of drugs! Do what's right for the children!

Megan - posted on 07/02/2012

people moving in is a change in circumstance...i've checked too

Tisha - posted on 07/02/2012

First of all let me say Sorry for the transition! While it may seem like it's putting you in a sticky situation, understand your stepkids did nothing wrong! As their father he needs to step up and take care of the kids. As you knew of his situation when you married him, please think if the situation was reverse, you would want to know your kids father and stepmother would gladly step up and take action. Housing, will only help you find another place to accommodate you all, they won't kick you off. Your husband, the kids father, NEEDS to get a job! He needs to help you emotionally and financially! You need to contact Housing and let them know of the change immediately! I would suggest finding out how long the kids will need to stay with you, but in reality, it shouldn't matter! Just be sure you, your husband and the ex, discuss all terms of the transition and be sure those KIDS know they are loved, safe and most of ALL WANTED and ACCEPTED into the home!! As with everyone else, remember when you married your husband you married a man with kids, which in turns becomes your responsibility as a step-parent! Treat those kids as you would your own.

Dove - posted on 07/02/2012

Some housing actually DOES limit the number of people you can have in there, so that can be true. There is no way I'd be allowed to add 5 extra people in my 2 bedroom place regardless of circumstances. But... for the sake of the kids you should at least check. They may be willing to make a temporary exception... and if not, now is a good time to start looking for a new place.

Sarah - posted on 07/02/2012

Oh, and housing only asks you to report changes, I checked. You can't use that as an excuse.

Sarah - posted on 07/02/2012

Wow, 5 children. And you won't help? If they behave badly, have your husband step in. He needs to get a job, any job, but your actions are on you. I understand why you aren't jumping up and down with joy, but you could be, it depends on how you choose to look at it. I lost my stepson, I am grateful I was able to know him. Look at it as a chance to get to know them and one for them to know you and their sibling. Suck it up, and make him step up. If they choose to be disrespectful, ask him to step in. He needs a job, no matter what that job is. No wonder the mother is having trouble if he hasn't been helping. This is on him, not her and definitely not those children! Good luck.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 07/02/2012

I completely agree with Shawnn and Isobel, on this.



You married him knowing full well he had that many children. You need to be an adult and a supportive one at that. What if the role was switched and it was your child, in this position. Sure, you may only have one but they are CHILDREN. You can't expect them to live on the street, can you?



You have a responsibility to help with his kids, they are yours now too. ;)

Isobel - posted on 07/02/2012

for starters, if this becomes permanent you will not only not lose your housing, the authorities will actually help you get a bigger house.



your post sounded really mean to be honest. These children and their mother are facing becoming homeless and you are expecting their father to stand by and let it happen? I couldn't be married to a man who would do that.



and if I were him, I wouldn't be married to a woman who expected me to.

Dove - posted on 07/02/2012

I agree entirely with 'Little Miss'.



And the other two, but their posts weren't there until I posted. ;)

Shawnn - posted on 07/02/2012

Wow...so much bitterness! Megs, you married the man KNOWING that he had five children from a previous relationship. Welcome to step parenting.

Quit overreacting, and act calmly. If the housing plan won't accept that many, then so be it. But, did you even check? Explain the circumstances (hubbys kids, ex is out of housing)...perhaps they'd make an exception.

See, her calling him and telling him that he needs to take HIS kids for awhile until she's stable isn't out of line on her part, after all, she's taking care of FIVE of his kids. Yes, she should contribute to the additional expenses, but seriously, they ARE his responsibility, and you should have expected this at some point.

Sarah - posted on 07/02/2012

I agree. As their stepparent, you are responsible, simply because you married their father. If you didn't want to take on the responsibility of 5 kids who aren't yours (which is kinda a poor attitude for a step-mother to have), then you shouldn't have married their Dad. What would happen if the mother passed away. Would you refuse to take them in then? It's likely a temporary thing, talk to your landlord about the temporary need to have them there. Have hubby get up and find a job to help out (something he should have done anyways with 6 kids to support). You get to choose here what kind of step-mother you want to be, one who is loving and supporting who the kids will grow to love and respect, or the evil one from Cinderella. If you're gonna be the stepmother from Cinderella, you'll never get the respect you want from them.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/02/2012

Ok....settle down. First of all, if your housing will not allow that many children, she may have to look elsewhere for help. BUT, and here is a big one.....you married this man knowing he had this many children. You are a step parent to these kids now, like it or not. If you had no intentions of ever taking care of his children, you should not have married him and had another one with him.

You first need to find out how long she thinks you will need to have the kids for. This really may need to be a court decision, not just her pawning off her kids....but she is not really pawning them off on you since he is the father. Your husband needs to get a job, any job. Working and doing whatever he can to get some money into the house, and if not for you guys, to help find a place for his other 5 kids to live.


You, as a stepparent, are indeed responsible for his children. Just like my stepfather was responsible financially for us. You should have known that marrying a man with 5 freaking kids. *shaking my head*. That is a doi.