Are my parents overstepping or am I doing something wrong??

Melonie Hoak - posted on 11/08/2012 ( 81 moms have responded )

11

0

0

Okay...This is going to be a long one but please bare with me because I really need advice & help with this one...I live in Pennsylvania & my husband & have one, 5 year old daughter...

MY parent's have always put there 2 cents in with what they thought was wrong, & well, everything I do or say with my daughter was wrong...Even if it was something they'd advised me to do, later on they decided it was wrong & made sure to make me feel like a big piece of crap about it...

About a month ago it got a whole lot worse...My daughter, who has always been home with her Dad while I work, burnt her hand on the exhaust of my husband's tractor...He had been riding it earlier & specifically told her never to touch the tractor because it's hot...Well she was in her playhouse playing & he turned his back for a minute after fixing something on it & then picking up the tools & next thing he knew she was screaming & holding her hand...He took her in, took a picture, sent it to me & started taking care of it...It was 2 little blisters, less than a 1/2 inch each under her thumb...I called our after hours pediatrician number & was advised by the physician on call to just take care of it at home because at the hospital, all they would do for it is put burn cream on it & dress it which we could easily do at home, instead of exposing her to all the germs in the ER from what everyone else is in there for...So he took care of it that day & we continued to care for it...She went to my parent's 3 days later whenever of course, she'd popped it through her bandage by putting pressure on it while playing...Kind of unavoidable with a kid...Well, my parent's were immediately freaking out about it...Calling at me at work to tell me that I neglected her by not taking her because I take her to the drs when she has a cold so I should've just took her for that & never even called...FYI, I call before I take her to drs or ER for anything & I do what they tell me...But they won't listen to anything I say or let me explain for that matter...First reaction is jump down my throat about everything & when I explain or defend, I am being selfish & not thinking about my daughter...

After 2 days of harassment about the burn, they decided that they were going to step in & say that if I ever left her alone to be neglected by her father again, they were taking her off of me...They said that I am the worst kind of mother there is because I left her be alone with him while he was neglecting her & that I am worthless & yada yada yada...

They think she is neglected also because one day, while her dad was in the bathroom, she made herself a peanut butter sandwich with a spoon & she told them about it & she told them her daddy lets her help him make her food...To them, this is neglect & that if I did not agree to take her there from now on while I work, that they'd already talked to CYS & they agreed with everything & were given the okay to step in & take her...

They then started on a mental abuse kick...They think she is mentally abused...First reason was because they somehow got the idea that my husband & I fight constantly & that our daughter hides under her bed when we do...Now I will be the first to admit, yes sometimes we argue, who doesn't?? However, my daughter has a daybed, with a trundle bed underneath it so it would be physically impossible for her to lay underneath it with it under her bed, & it is always there...Even if she managed to pull it out without us knowing, which is highly unlikely, there is no way that she would ever be able to maneuver it to place it back underneath her bed...Of course, this is something else they did not want to hear & I was told I was again being selfish & I just needed to shut up & to hear what they had to say...Well I asked her what she does when Mommy & Daddy argue & she looked at me, clueless & replied, play, I guess...

There next mental abuse kick...My dad's ex, the woman who raised me, died from lung cancer after she & my dad had split up, of course my sister & I are both upset & grieving & sometimes talk about her...My daughter heard us talking about her & asked me about her so I told her she had a grandma up in Heaven that she never had a chance to meet...(My daughter was born at 26 weeks & my mom was battling cancer in the hospital & passed away when she was only 3 1/2 months old so it was too much of a risk for either of them to be around each other)...One day, she went to my dad's & told him she was upset about it so they think it is mental abuse that I told her that & I was looking for attention from her by telling her...

Mental abuse point # 3...They think that because my daughter whines a lot that she is mentally abused...I get that the whining isn't good, but I don't think that it means she's mentally abused but maybe I am wrong...

Mental abuse point # 4...My daughter does get punished by going to the corner...However, she gets one minute per year of her age & her time starts once she stops throwing a fit if she is, if she goes in without a problem, it starts immediately & then we talk about it...Well, apparently when she gets in trouble over there, she says, fine I will just go to the corner then...I was told I should not be punishing her for anything because she doesn't do anything that deserves her to have to go to the corner, this was one of the things they previously told me to do when she's not listening...

Mental abuse point # 5...I tend to tell Havanah she can do something but if she acts up, I change my mind...I've also on one recent occasion, changed my mind about going trick or treating for the 2nd hour bc I told her we would go again after a one hour break, but the temperature dropped tremendously so I said enough...They said that it was mental abuse...

They say they've also talked to CYS about this & that CYS agrees that she is being mentally abused...

My husband & I have recently started individual counseling as well as marital counseling because we do have issues that we need to work on...We've also enrolled in parenting classes that start in January & signed up for a family focus group for the 3 of us to have a better family life...The meetings will focus on positive ways to reinforce good behavior & positive discipline, structuring our lives to create less whining, & assistance with kindergarten readiness...My parents recently realized that my husband is perfectly capable of being alone with his daughter...Kids get hurt, we don't like it, but it's going to happen...They still say that CYS says they need her at least 2 or 3 days a week because of the so called mental abuse...They claim that CYS agrees with them about everything & that they are calling them constantly & documenting everything Havanah does & says over there so that they can have enough evidence so CYS wants them to keep doing this so that they can swoop in to take her out of our home & give her to them as soon as we don't do exactly what they want...Here's the thing...I waited until a week after the first time they say they called CYS & never heard a thing from CYS & I called CYS...They told me that there was no record of any of us being in the system...They said my parents most likely were filing reports but they were being thrown out because there are children who really are abused that they need to worry about...I finally told my parents that I talked to them & that there is know case found what so ever but they said they are just telling me that because they need enough evidence & incidents before they will step in & they know that they are now in control, not me so they will only give them information...

I have no idea what to believe but I am so scared that I am going to lose my daughter...My sister has been there whenever they question her & she told me all they do is sit there & ask her questions over & over until my daughter finally answers them the way they want her to because she wants them to leave her alone...I don't know what to do...I am so afraid of losing my daughter & I am doing everything I can to give her a good life, but it's never good enough for them...There is always something I am doing that makes them say that I am unfit & that they would be better off with her...My child is clean, her clothes are clean ,my house is clean, she is played with, there is always food in my home, & she is always getting attention but they are always saying we are both unfit parents because she's neglected & mentally abused & that CYS agrees with them & they just aren't stepping in right now because they are waiting until they have enough to take her & give her to my parents...I don't know what to do...I feel like I am doing everything right but I don't know what to think anymore...Maybe they are right & I am just as stupid & blind as they say & I just can't see it...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dove - posted on 11/08/2012

6,564

0

1337

First thing I would do is start documenting everything they have said and done. Second thing I would do is call a lawyer and find out what kind of 'grandparent rights' they have in your area and how you can protect your child from them. Third thing I would do... 100% cut off all contact with your parents. If my parents ever behaved like that they would never see my kids again. The only 'abuse' in this situation is coming from them.



Keep going to the counseling and parenting classes and document EVERYTHING... no matter how small.



I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this psychotic mess and I hope things get better for you and your family soon.

Ariana - posted on 11/08/2012

1,309

0

624

I would start documenting every incident you've just said in a organized fashion. So Novermber 5th parent accused me of mental abuse for ..... threatened to call cys on me.... etc etc but keep it documented in an organized fashion.



I would continue to get the councelling and parenting classes you are planning on doing and also document that. If you feel you are doing something over the top with your daughter try to reflect on that and see if there is any truth. If there is make the necessary changes you need, if not then keep doing what you're doing.



It sounds like your parents are being extremely controlling. If I were you I wouldn't allow my child to see them at all, restrict all access to your child. They're basically telling you 'hey, we're just waiting for enough evidence so we can steal your child' and you're continuing to allow them near her?



I wouldn't get crazy with them but either speak to them, or email them, and tell them calmly that you are a good parent and their accusations are unfound. They are threatening to take your child and as long as this continues they will not be allowed near her.

They will probably freak out and call cys and make all sorts of allegations, in which case you should have everything documented of what they've said and what you've done. You might even call them before you do this and tell CYS that your parents have been threatening you saying they are going to call cys to have your child taken from you and you are planning on not allowing them near your child right now so they may get calls coming from them. Then at least if calls do come in if they come to see you you can explain to them that you've already called them and expected this sort of thing to happen.



If you are a good parent and not abusing your child your parents won't be able to have her taken from you, just make sure you're doing everything you can for your daughter.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/08/2012

19,028

9

3003

I would NOT be letting my child back over there. Ever again. Seriously. It sounds like they are gearing up to try and take her. I agree with dove. Contact a lawyer. Contact the police and let them know what is going on and they are threatening to take your daughter. Do not let them into your house. Change the locks if you need to. Do not have any further contact with them. Tell them that you are cutting them off until they stop mentally abusing you, and if they are mentally abusing you, what lies could they be telling your daughter. That you are getting a family lawyer to represent you and your family since they are making threats and have contacted the police. That if you need to put a restraining order out on them you will. Tell them they will NOT take your daughter. That you love her. That is the end of it and walk away. Do not engage in further conversation with them and DO NOT have your daughter with you. Keep them the hell away from your family or they will ruin it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/08/2012

9,211

21

2000

Oh, and Melonie, read this a few times: YOU ARE NOT STUPID. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT (your parents on the other hand...) YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT RIGHT!!!



YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER, AND A GOOD WIFE. YOU ARE A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED THE APPROVAL OF HER PARENTS TO RAISE HER FAMILY SUCCESSFULLY.



Now, go to it, girl!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/08/2012

9,211

21

2000

As the others have said, start documenting the incidents immediately. Also, immediately STOP allowing them to have your daughter unsupervised. Cut off their contact RIGHT NOW. Quit calling them to get their "advice". and retain an attorney to start the paperwork rolling for a protection order for your daughter, and a general restraining order on them for yourself and your husband.



When they take you to task for that, explain that you and your husband are mature adults, and are involved in your own life with your child, and that you cannot allow their abuse to continue to potentially harm your child. Also, if you DO have any alternate care arrangements (daycare, school or preschool) make sure that they understand that your parents are not allowed anywhere near the establishment, nor are they under any circumstances authorized to remove your daughter from that establishment. Also take them off of all paperwork that you have put them on for "emergency contact"



DO continue with the counseling, both for your relationship and for the family.



Now, as Little Miss has said, your parent's haven't called CYS. How do you know that? You haven't received any visits, neither by law enforcement nor by CYS themselves. If they had been contacted, they'd have at the very least done a drive by on your house to determine if there was a reason to investigate.



best of luck

This conversation has been closed to further comments

81 Comments

View replies by

Cathy - posted on 01/03/2014

5

0

0

Ccont'd..........every way would be devastating to the child as well as both parents. Questioning your child is cruel and confusing to a young child that does not understand conflict only wants acceptance and love. Your parents are being selfish and risk harming the child emotionally or even mentally id they continue. Keep doing your best out of love for her and u will never lose her and u will always know the right thing to do. Put a stop immediatley to this ridiculous power control they are on before they break their own hearts by missing out on a precious grandchild. . So dont worry a moment longer and take control, this is your child and u dont have to prove anything to anyone besides her. She is the only opinion you should aim to please.

Cathy - posted on 01/03/2014

5

0

0

Cont'd Nbottom line is your parents can make any complaint they wish against you. They can report you to any child protection society and whomever ever else they wish to or who will listen. If only it were that easy, its not. Even if they disagreed on every aspect of your parenting choices that does not make you an infit parent, or mean that there options are the correct ones nor does it mean the child would be better cared for by them. U cannot, I mean it is impossible to lose your child if you are a fit, loving mother. The child has shelter, clothing, food, access to education and so forth. If u do not physically or mentally hurt your child then it does not matter what they think. A judge will never remove a child from a situation that is working for the child. Im sure if your parents continue to complain eventually they will investigate. So unless you are lying in your post which I presume you are not then dont give it another thought. What I got from what you wrote was you are a very loving and attentive mother and if anything you are constantly seeking guidance because you an insecure parent. You are worried about making the qrong choice or being a bad parent. This is not an insult. It appears that your child is loved and cared for and anyone that comes looking will sew that. You dont come close to being an unfit parent and remember they all are just opinions and words. They would need proof of neglect and or abuse and even then you would still need to be proven unfit to care for thw.child. I suggest you stop asking your parents advice and flat out discourage it.you are not meant to parent your child to make them happy, you are there to do that for your child. Be confident in your choices and actions. There is no rule book to being a mom nor are there certain standards. No matter how unique or different or naive your skills for parenting are what matters is the childs overall well being. Let your parents know that you arw the parent and if they dont agree with you then to bite their tongues. Give yourself and your child the space you need to gain some confidence. Youre gonna make mistakes and youre gonna learn from them and each child is unique as are each parents, remind yours that. Just remember that disagreement is not child abuse nor is anything else you addressed and if by some fluke chance(which I can bet my life it never will) that someone eventually seeks you ans your child out for investigation then let them. You have nothing to hide and it seems that your childis very happy. Keep your personal family issues to yourself and put a stop to the meddling and know that you can complain as well and demand that they back off. They are mentally abusing your child with the constant questioning, that is just awful. Aa for thw burn, accidents happen. If she was constantly being taken into the hospital or doctors office then maybe there would be concern. A minor accidental injury wont even make anyone blink. And big whoop if she made herself a sandwich, just shows how bright she is. Its not like she was operating the stove. And it shows what good parents you are that you inclusw her in cooking and baking. Good for you. And children are sneaky they will never be watched at every moment. Providing a safe home where your childs worst danger was putting to much peanut butter on the sandwich doesn't sound to extreme. And how you discipline your daughter is your choice. You know her best, you live with her so u know what works. A time oit in the corner will not scar her or hurt her in any way. Your parents claims are silly and obsessive. And mental abuse shows up in many symptoms in which are usually displayed in numbers. A whiny child does not mean an abused child. If that were even remotely true then I pass by over a.dozen a day. Trying to remove a child from their home in which both parents reside and in which this childs needs are met in

Audrey - posted on 05/24/2013

6

0

0

You need to tell your parents that their not allowed to see your daughter alone anymore. They could do a lot of damage to her by questioning her like that and se could end up believing their abuse crap. You need to be worried about them having unsupervised contact with much more then the CYS crap they keep spewing. I had a mother in law that was like that, please trust me when I say that THEY could be causing some real damage to your kid. They don't have any right to threaten you like that and you have every right to tell them to shove it.

Anne - posted on 05/22/2013

11

0

0

I reckon no one has any right to have 'official' type consultations and meeting regarding your daughter with a possibility however faint of those meetings, those proceedings somehow culminating in legal decisions regarding custody and care of your child.

And it sounds like it's bullshit. CYS say they have no record. So that's okay.

But if it's not bull: then any record of any such proceedings, I reckon, should be put before you and your husband on every occasion.

My children get supervised by me always - they're never alone. Or that's the plan. But they could still pretty easily burn themselves on a hot exhaust before I could get to them. Or pick up a snake. Or stick a finger in a poison spiders lair.

Get it?

And I have good friends with children that've been crawling over the kitchen table and making their own sandwiches since 5 years old while my overprotected darlings still would have difficulty spreading the butter. Makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

See? Takes all kinds. All different ways. Neither one is wholly right nor wholly wrong. They are just different ways for different people in different circumstances.

At a guess I'd say your parents have a problem that's all theirs, nothing really to do with you at all. Time for them to butt out. Your 'dad's ex' ? So this is your step-mother?

Who is doing all the hassling? Your Dad or this new Mother? Or are they in it together equally? Or is your Dad one of those men who just let the women do whatever 'they want to do' ?

Doesn't matter. It is not their business. If they want to help you and their grand-daughter it is for them to do what you want - to be at your beck and call responding to your wishes.

For that's what the child will see and be moulded by. Whether or not her mother is valued and assisted or devalued and hindered.

Don't get beaten down by it. Don't give a damn for it. Stand up and be yourself. Be your daughter's mother and be calm and loving and happy with her about everything, about your whole life, about life itself..

Pass onto her a comfortable feeling of 'everything's fine and under control and full of happiness'.

Make sure she knows you love her. Make sure you know you love her.

All the best. You're the best.

:)

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/22/2013

53

0

0

You know what I was thinkimg,i left a comment I deal with same crap with mother in law, mines14 months old an she will have her for a day an spendtime with her,an comes back with where did this bruise come from how long has she had this diaper rash,an whats this mark on her head...she should be drinking 2%milk instead of whole milk...whatever..asking me about a bruise like I gave it to her..or im beating her I don't even belive in spanking...an she sees her once a week,i parent24/7 I do everything her lazy abusive son doesn't even do anything sad..............SHES NUTS an controlling SHE TOLD ME I JUST CARRIED MY DAUGHTER...an shes just not mine..I THINK SECRECTLY SHE THINKS ITS HER AN MY HUSBANDS BABY..SHES ALWAYS WANTED A DAUGHTER AN NEVER HAD ONE...an she thinks my husband calling her an saying jens preg was some kind of in between line comment(mom you can have a girl now) but what state are you from an I live in ohio theirs no grandparent rights, I WOULD SAY THEIR ABUSING HER QUESTIONING HER BEHIND YOUR BACK AN ASKING OVER AN OVER THATS NOT LOVE..THATS MENTAL AN EMOTIONAL ABUSE IT DOESNT MATTER YOUR HER MOTHER!!!! what you say goes an you are doing a great job don't let her make you think your doing a bad job,thier isn't a bad job rasing your child if its the way you wana rasie them...oh I feel for you...im sorry but maybe sometime away from her..cut her out for awhile shes not healthy an hurting you an your daughter!!!! bigtime an teaching your daughter its ok to talk behind your back an not respect you that's sad~!

[deleted account]

stop seeing your parents... simple as that.. you sound like a GOOD mother... kids get hurt, kids help make food, kids dress themselves... her father didnt do anything wrong by turning his back for a seconds.. thats all it takes! wosrt case they call CYS and they come out and inspect your home and child.. they would NEVER tell your parents that they had the control to come take your child... CYS investigates and removes children if they need too not other relatives... we dont get to pick our families... but i think you have the power to keep yourself and family away from people that like.. CYS would have already paid you a visit if they had been called, or suspected anything bad was going on.. hang in there

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/22/2013

53

0

0

DO what you want stop listening to your parents its your life your baby your marriage. sounds like their controlling...an they rasied you the way they wanted its your turn an sounds like they don't trust your judgment I would be telling them to back off!

Gwen - posted on 03/19/2013

32

0

2

You're not going to believe my post because you'll assume my answer is too good too be true, it's not, it's the truth and I am a former law student/CPS volunteer/mother.

Here's the condensed answer:

Your parents are lying to you, their guilty of mentally abusing YOU. (Hypocrites).

You are not under investigation by CYS, they are NOT on your parents side.

CYS SURELY have told your parents there is NOT enough and/or ANY evidence against you (Or else they WOULD have stepped in to QUESTION you, to try to FIND evidence themselves. This is mandatory/federal law for CYS/CPS/DCF UNLESS there is NOTHING, not even a claim against you that could possibly be true or backed up).

Which means you have nothing to worry about.

---thus your parents manipulated that into "they want us to gather evidence before the step in." That's a LIE 100% LIE. LIE. LIE. LIE.

Further, your parents creating this emotional/mental hardship on YOU, causes your child to have a mom that's stressed out and acting crazy.

YOU HAVE THE LEGAL RIGHT IN ALL BUT 5 STATES TO REFUSED VISITATION WITH YOUR CHILDS GRANDPARENTS, WHAT THEY ARE DOING BY MANIPULATING YOU INTO LETTING THEM HAVE HER HALF THE WEEK IS ASSURING THAT IN THE 45 STATES WHERE GRANDPARENTS DO NOT HAVE RIGHTS THAT IF YOU SUDDENLY STOP ALLOWING THEM VISITATION (WHAT I WOULD DO AS SOON AS I READ MY ANSWER, THE ONE YOU'RE READING NOW) THEN THEY CAN GO TO COURT AND ASK FOR VISITATION, JUST LIKE A PARENT WOULD IN THE 45 STATES THAT DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY GRANT GRANDPARENTS VISITATION. THEY'LL GET VISITATION IF THEY CAN PROVE YOUR DAUGHTER IS WITH THEM 1/2 THE WEEK, THAT'S THEIR AGENDA.

I'm so sorry you have such terribly vindictive, emotionally and mentally abusive parents, I'm sorry they are lying to you, I'm sorry their bullying and controlling you, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

EVERY SINGLE THING IN MY POST IS LEGALLY ACCURATE (aside from the motives I am ascribing your evil parents) BUT THIS IS NO WAY LEGAL ADVICE PROVIDED BY AN ATTORNEY.

IT'S LEGAL ADVICE FROM A LAW STUDENT DROP-OUT WITH CPS KNOWLEDGE AND LOTS OF PSYCHOLOGY CLASSES.

PLEASE UPDATE OR E-MAIL ME WITH WHAT YOU DO.

GOOD LUCK! YOU'LL BE FINE NOW THAT YOU'RE INFORMED!

Hope - posted on 12/18/2012

48

0

1

Yea, I agree with what a lot of folks are saying here. Get your children away from them until your parents can act like mature adults. They have already done their job raising you, it's not their responsibility to raise your children as well and they need to be reminded of that. Unfortunately there is no soft or smooth way to do this. Take their names off all day care paper work and make sure they cannot pick up or remove your children without your expressed permission. It's always difficult when dealing with grandparents who don't seem to think their authority has worn off quite yet. I have the same issue from time to time with my folks and nothing works other than being perfectly blunt about your wants and expectations because you are the boss of those children! Accidents happen and everyone is going to have an opinion on one subject or another, you know what's going on and you don't need as much of their help as they want to give. It's a very hard thing for some people to accept, but just look at it like a bandaid- needs to just be pulled off quick.

Danicia - posted on 12/18/2012

354

5

100

this is going to sound harsh, but cut them out of the picture. why?
a- they are threatening to take your daughter
b- they are a negative influence in your life, they are taking more energy/emotion from you than they are contributing
c- they are giving you false information about child services. if they had called, you definitely would have heard from them by now. they are trying to bully you into doing what they want.
d- if they are doing all of this to you, what will stop them from telling your daughter when she is older what terrible people you are and tell her how much happier she could be living with them?
e- they are respecting NO boundaries of yours. you are the parents, not them. you are doing the best you can. they need to step back and let you do your job.
f- i'm guessing having them in the picture is putting a strain of some sort on your marriage. true parents respect their childs' decisions- they sound like they have alterior motives that are detrimental to your family.

i think a good idea would be for you to sit down with or without your husband and draw up a pro/con list of what the contribute/take away to your family. whatever you decide, make sure to do what's best for YOUR family,not just for them. it sounds like either way you choose, keep them or leave them, things will get nastier before they get better. good luck and stay strong- you're a great momma no matter what negative things people want to say!

Mandi - posted on 12/17/2012

2

0

0

I am going through the same EXACT thing you are right now only a tad different in that my mother has made up stories and convinced my entire family and ppl she knows that im a terrible parent and these ppl dont live here so they all talk ab it on fb lol. And mine has no reports to make but is threatening to take my 2 kids as well bc she wants my son and she is bribing him with presents and video games and promises of letting him have and do all these things so that he will say he wants to live there. My mom has tried to control my life my entire life. She cant stand that those kids are mine and I wont do things her way I have had enough of her controlling me and trying to manipulate my children so the law here said that grandparents rights here do not exist ( I dont know if that is true for everywhere ) but here grandparents have no rights ...zip...zero... and they have to truly find you unfit so they dont really have a leg to stand on and if were me I wouldnt allow my child to go back over there. Im not !! not until they cut the bull....

Asheka - posted on 12/17/2012

8

0

0

it sounds to me like your parents just want to be around their grand daughter more often. just don't argue back with them when the talk. play like if you are listening to them, but in reality you know you're not listening.

Amanda - posted on 12/16/2012

3

20

0

I know that in AR any report made to child protection has to be investigated. After someone files 3 false claims they can be arrested. As long as your doing the right things, which it seems u r, then there isn't anything they can do!!

Lisa - posted on 12/13/2012

7

0

2

Melonie,



Bless your heart....Your Dad married a winner...I honestly figure it isnt him as much as it is her. .If he hasn't given you trouble before her...then it is probably her. I would tell him Look Daddy I love you but she is causing stress in our lives and family. You are welcome to visit us and see your granddaughter, but we cannot have the accusations that are being made by your wife in our home anymore.



I would tell him I had talked to CYS and that they too think she has too much time on her hands and that she needs a hobby and that your family is not going to be her "hobby" anymore. Tell him you are done with her fantasy. Reemphasize that you love him, and you still want him in your life but that you are not going to put up with her lies regarding your life and care of your daughter.



I think this is crucial for a relationship with your Dad, and I think you and your husband need to take a firm stand.



This is your family you are standing up for and this is way to important.

Shauna - posted on 12/13/2012

105

5

12

This is my second posting to this and I want you to know that the only way your parents can get custody of your daughter is that they have to prove to the courts that you and your husband are unfit parents. And from what I can tell there is no way that they are going to be able to prove that you are two are. If anyone needs to be kept away from your daughter is your parents.

Deb - posted on 12/13/2012

6

0

0

Don't let your daughter near them at all. They are mentally abusing you and your daughter. Who knows what lie they would twist the truth into in order to get your daughter. No more visits or conversation regarding your family. Just keep it short with them by phone or text.

Lisa - posted on 12/12/2012

7

0

2

Bless your heart. Continue counseling. If CYS thought you were doing anything wrong they would be at your house. Your parents are WAY overstepping their boundaries.



I would definitely keep a record of each visit to their home...start a journal. Dont stress...you are fine. Just be proactive..not reactive....They are rattling your chain...You are the parent here...Dont let them do you this way...



She is your daughter.



Chin up...Im praying for you....When God is with you...no one can win against you!!!!

Shauna - posted on 12/12/2012

105

5

12

Melonie,

First of all you are NOT a bad parent and neither is your husband. What happened with her and her burning herself is an honest mistake. Its not like he told her to touch the tractor and hold on to it. You both did everything right and there isn't anything you did that the hospital wasn't going to do.



Second of all your parents need to mind their own business. YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are her PARENTS and you two are the ones that are raising her. Sally said it all when she said that you need to keep your daughter away from them because they are abusing her. It may no be physical, but they are abusing her mentally by asking her a hundred questions a hundred times to get the answer that they want.



Third of all if they had really contacted CYS then CYS would have been at your door investigating you and your husband. They wouldn't be just waiting to get more evidence to pile up before they came and investigated. Trust me. I have been involved with DFS. My daughter was at my mom and dads house one weekend and she was running and fell and got a rug burn on her check and me and my fiance were at walmart with her and someone that doesn't like me or him called DFS and said that she was getting abused and that same day I got a call to go in and talk to someone about it. So trust me when I say if CYS was really concerned with it and really thought there was abuse going on then they would have already investigated you.



You have nothing to worry about. You are taking all the right steps in making things better for not only your daughter, but for you and your husband. Keep up the good work and believe me when I say that YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. CONCENTRATE ON YOU, YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR DAUGHTER and if your parents want to keep up their stupid crap then I would not let your daughter go back to them and maybe they will see that it's not you it's them. THEY are mentally abusing her NOT you. Keep up the good work your are a great mother.

Cikku - posted on 12/12/2012

25

0

0

First of all, are their accusation on you, your husband and/or both true or partially true? Ask yourself that in all plain truth (alone at first as we men tend to over react on these things). If yes, change things around, if no check below.



If no, then your parents are over reacting and you should be wary of them if everyone you wrote above is true, especially the part about they taking your kids (highly unlikely if half of what they say is not true).



I do not think you should take your children at your parents home or anywhere they might be. They sound rather dangerous in a family environment point of view.



Get a lawyer and check things out. NEVER EVER let them near your home, god forbid they could even hurt your children and say you did it with photos.

Diane - posted on 12/03/2012

55

21

4

OK, to be honest your parents need to back off. They are not the parent - you are and it is your responsibility to bring your daughter up.



Children of all ages need to learn that danger is a fact of life and that there are consequences to not doing as you are told. Yes she has burnt her hand but she WILL have learnt the lesson that daddy doesn't say something without a good reason and she will probably be more careful to pay attention.



It's really brave of you both to admit you're having problems and try to resolve them. From what you have said it does not sound to me like your daughter is being abused. You have high expectations of behaviour (as do I) and there are consequences for not following the rules. If you are concerned, why not speak to CYS yourself and talk things thru with them. Their first priority is to leave her with you if possible and if you make it clear you are willing to work with them they may be able to set your mind at rest. CYS cannot make any judgement about your arrangements without seeing you and your daughter anyway so don't let your parents bully you and follow your instincts.

Sarah - posted on 12/01/2012

79

0

35

I didn't read through all the responses, but I agree with all the ones I did read. Your parents are being really controlling and I would agree that your daughter should not see them as long as they are acting like that. They think they have you hung by a thread to do what they want you to do, but being committed to working through your marriage issues and parenting issues with the help you said you and your husband had set up prove that you have you and your family in control, not them. Document everything as other have said. Keep your daughter from them and keep doing what you are doing. I have a 2 year old and if helping me cook is abuse or neglect, then I guess he needs to be taken from me too. He is so interested in cooking and I let him help me measure and pour and mix. He isn't allow around the stove, but he is 2. Good luck and I will pray that your situation gets better.

Katie Lee - posted on 12/01/2012

8

0

1

I couldn't even read your whole post.... Honestly, if your parents are treating you like that, how do you think their actions and conversations affect your daughter when your not around. It sounds to me like they are more of a problem than any of your typical life problems (especially since your making efforts to improve them). CYS would have already paid a visit if they really agreed with your parents because they NEVER take the word of someone else, they see for themselves, then they let YOU know what they think of the situation. Tell your parents that you think they are a negative influence to your family and that it is the best thing for everyone if we take a break in communication. Let them decide if they want to be a part of your family and the only way that is possible is if they take a step back and stop threatening you. Family is important, but not more important than the family you have in your home.

Sandy - posted on 11/29/2012

1

0

0

Seriously?!?! The ones doing the mental abuse are your parents. Why do you even bother having a relationship with them? Toughen up and get them out of your life for good! You might have your problems, but who doesn't? It doesn't seem there is abuse. They don't take your kids that easily. Just get rid of your parents, you will find that everyone will be happier.

Jane - posted on 11/28/2012

3

0

0

I am so sorry. You aint doing bad by taking your daughter to her granny. At least once in while. But excuse! me who has the responsibility of raising your daughter. Parents do either father or mother both ware accountable NOT grandparents. Your long story shows that you can make decisions for your family. It is the high time you know your role as a parent. However, respect your parents and help them emotionally, physically and most importantly spiritually. Success!!!!!

Tracie - posted on 11/24/2012

317

9

1

WOW. How have you put up with this nonsense for so long? It doesn't sound like your daughter is being abused to me. It sounds like your parents are meddling troublemakers.



I'm a pretty forceful person and I would have put my foot down long ago with those two. That kind of behavior is not tolerated and if it continues, there will be no more spending time with the grandparents. Period. No discussion. If they start yelling, then you hang up, or leave or whatever you need to do to get away from them. This is YOUR family, YOU are in control of it, not them, and if they don't like it, they can stick it where the sun don't shine. Let them call CYS. You aren't doing anything wrong. They will look like the fools. Heck, you might want to call CYS first and give them a heads up on your nutty parents. Beat them at their own game!



They need boundaries and they need them quick. Good luck to you!

Anita - posted on 11/22/2012

4

15

0

You need to take yuorself & your child out of that situation for both of your sakes. I would be screaming at my parents if they behaved anything like that. She's your child, not theirs and you need to raise her appropriately. Which also means taking her away for their abusive control. If you are using them for daycare then you need to find somewhere else for her to be looked after in a more positive environment. I know it's hard cos they are your parents but if they want to threaten to take her away from you then you need to do it first by taking her away from them. Good luck.

Tina - posted on 11/21/2012

74

11

3

Sounds like you need a prayer support group, i.e. a mom's in touch group, or a mothers of preschoolers ? group also a prayer group and a support system from church friends who can give you the help you need when things get hard for you. It is not easy when such things take place, but I know that God will hear you if you know HIM, and can pray for His guidance to get you through this time. I am so sorry for how you have suffered in this. Both of my married children are far away, and I don't get the privilage to see them hardly at all. It is sad when that happens, and yet they do call me when they can and welcome my calls when I am able to call them. But I know they are very busy, and can't always visit when they might want to do so. In the meanwhile, I was the one who was struggling with the inlaws when my children were growing up, though they didn't see them that often, we were not in the same area . My own parents didn't cause the issues, it was my husband's family and they were the ones who lived far away. But they certainly didn't cause me the kinds of problems that you have shared here. Seek to have His help in prayer for you and your family, and read in the Scriptures too. Do hope that you can do that.

Diane - posted on 11/21/2012

110

0

2

Since my long and preachy post it seems you've taken control of the situation by dealing with CPS. You go girl! Now, just take that strength, and set boundaries with your uncaring parents. Would you ever treat your grown daughter like that? My daughter is 36, severely bipolar, hence living with us, but highly educated and peaceful as a hiding mouse, and I'd never say or do anything to break her spirit. Never. You'll find as your daughter grows, your concern is still there, and you'd climb any mountain to save her.

Diane - posted on 11/21/2012

110

0

2

It's time to cut ties until your parents respect you. I am assuming some of this is happening around your child, and that in and of itself, is abuse. You are going to have to tell them they cannot come around if all they do is create tension, and when they have decided to stop, they will be welcome. Have them do some internet research on stay at home dads. I was a stay at home mom and had one kid climb up on the stove and burn himself in less than 20 seconds while I was washing the dishes! Do you have a pastor or good friend who could be a mediator in your case, explaining to your parents that negotiation is the key here for the benefit of your daughter? Children do benefit from grandparents, but, only if there is peace involved. Now, the issue of you and hubs arguing around her. That has to stop. No way around it. You have to grow up and learn to take your discussions to a private place when she's asleep. My husband and I learned through counseling to go into the bedroom and give each other 5 minutes of uninterrupted speaking time before responding without raising our voices. Example:"I'd like to tell you something, and I really need you to not react. Could we do that?" Bottom line, I think the issues with your parents can be worked on with a 3rd party, and if they refuse, then tell them you will not be spoken to that way anymore, especially in front of your children. Nyet. Nada. Never again.

Valerie - posted on 11/20/2012

1

12

0

First thing I would do is tell my parents that I loved them but that I believe what they are doing to my daughter is emotional abuse and if they do not stop they will no longer be able to have unsupervised contact with her. Now granted this is extreme, but what they are doing is extreme and in my opinion abusive. I am a Social Worker and have worked contract work with Child Protective Services. What your parents are doing is not OK and will eventually tear your family apart. Lay some ground rules, and if they cant abide by them tell them they are out. If you feel the need to run it by CYS, do so. You will probably see a backlash, so be prepared. But no way should you have to put up with that! Go ahead and document everything as well.

Mariah - posted on 11/20/2012

104

20

3

Your parents are the ones dealing out the mental abuse, both to you and your daughter. If I were you I would cut all ties with them. Block communications, file protective/restraining orders against both of them for harassment/threats of kidnapping.



You don't need to put up with this kind of emotional abuse especially when you're trying to work on your own marriage.



Say goodbye and good riddance.

[deleted account]

I would move away from your parents where you, your daughter, and your husband can become a family with out unnecessary interference. You are adults and are rearing your child. Havanah sounds like she will grow up being very much loved.

Julie - posted on 11/19/2012

126

21

7

Seriously Melonie, the actions you are describing and the way you are feeling, the self-doubt you are expressing and the threats they are making, can all be found on an "are you in an abusive relationship?" checklist. Here's one for example (it deals mainly with domestic abuse but a lot of it applies generally): http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic...



Just from your post, I can tick a few off:



SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

***feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?***

believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

***wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?***

***feel emotionally numb or helpless?***



Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior



Does your partner:

***humiliate or yell at you?***

***criticize you and put you down?***

treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

***ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?***

***blame you for their own abusive behavior?***



Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?

***act excessively jealous and possessive? (of your child in this case)***

hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

control where you go or what you do?

***threaten to take your children away*** or harm them?

keep you from seeing your friends or family?

threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

destroy your belongings?

***constantly check up on you?***





Melonie, try cutting all contact for a month. As time passes and you gain the distance from this situation, I think it very likely that you will find yourself seeing just how crazy this all was and wondering how you didn't see it before, how you let it get so out of control (this is no way putting blame on you; when you're right in the thick of the situation sometimes you don't see the forest for the trees. They also most likely started off small and gradually became worse and more overt in the abuse). You may also find your marital issues all of a sudden easier to overcome, or disappearing altogether. Unless they themselves realize and take responsibility for their own quite disgusting (as the CYS agent put it) behaviour, don't let them back in. It will all start over again, and your daughter will suffer for it the worst in the end. Good luck and God bless.

Alexandra - posted on 11/19/2012

581

24

1

Everything that you say you are doing is absolutely correct and it shoud be the way everybody treats their five year olds.

Your parents are making things up, and this is not good for anybody.

If I were you I would not have any contact with your parents again. For a long long time. This is going to ruin your relationship with your daughter and husband. It will also ruin your relationship with your parents, but who cares?

And it is not you who is abusing your daugghter, it is your parents. If MUST protect your daughter from them immediately. This is not normal.

Kristy - posted on 11/19/2012

16

21

0

I feel for you. I am sorry you are in this position. You are the mom not them, you know your child the best. It sounds like the mental abuse is coming from them, minipating her until they get the answers they want. Good luck.

D. - posted on 11/18/2012

35

18

11

Cut ties with them immediately. They have no power, you and your husband are your daughter's parents. They are the ones harming her.

Hannah - posted on 11/18/2012

2

0

0

You've gotten a lot of good advise here already. I just wanted to tell you this. I am a foster mom & it takes a lot more than your parents filing reports (if they even are) to get her taken away. They don't have a leg to stand on. I would let them know that unless they can start acting rationally & treat you & your husband with respect that they won't be seeing your daughter anymore. Good luck hon....

Melonie Hoak - posted on 11/18/2012

11

0

0

I have called CYS on 2 separate occasions because they had been telling me they called on me & that CYS agreed, I waited a week after each occasion that they'd said they called & called them because I never heard anything...The first case worker told me that they very well could be calling but they did not feel that their accusations were actual abuse...They told me whenever they hear accusations like they were claiming, which were the exact points I made in my original post, they in know way feel that any of that is even close to mental abuse or neglect...They weren't 100% sure if they'd called or not though because they don't keep record of anything that they don't feel needs to be investigated...They said if their really was any concern, they would've contacted me within 24 hours...I was honest with both workers about everything my parent's were claiming to be neglectful & abusive & both workers flat out said that none of that is in any way near neglect or abuse...The second case worker I spoke to said that my parents disgust her because to her it sounds like they just have too much time on their hands & their complaints if they are continuously calling, are taking away from efforts of children who really are being abused

Julie - posted on 11/17/2012

126

21

7

Thank you for the clarification Melonie. As the stepmother has only been in your life for a few short years, perhaps you can tell your father to come visit your daughter at your house on his own as his wife's behaviour and accusations are distressing you, your daughter and your husband. Please let us know how your family goes, I wish you the very best. xoxo

[deleted account]

Have you actually contacted CYS directly? Because if they were reporting all they claim is abuse, I guarantee you they would have been at your door already. As another poster said, they don't wait for the grandparents OK if they really feel there is abuse going on. they'll just go.



Frankly, I'd keep her away from them period until they learn how to behave like good grandparents.

Melonie Hoak - posted on 11/17/2012

11

0

0

To clear up the confusion on who my parents are...My dad was married to my birth mom & she walked out of our lives when I was 4 & my sister was just a few months old & never made an attempt to contact us in any way until I was 17 & has been in & out of or lives since...My dad remarried shortly after our birth mom left & she raised us as her own kids...She & my dad split up whenever I was 21 & she was diagnosed with lung cancer shortly after that...She fought like crazy for a year & a half before she lost her battle with cancer...My dad remarried his 3rd wife, the one that is partaking in all of the accusations, while I was still pregnant with my daughter...



Hopefully that clears up the confusion with who my parents are...I do want to thank each & every one of you for your advice & concern...We are doing are very best to get through this & things are getting better but it still hurts

Melynda - posted on 11/16/2012

95

0

1

Dude put your foot down! You sound like every loving mommy out there but your parents kinda sound like bored nut jobs who may be doing more harm then you can even realize. I would keep them at a distance. Good luck. I'm sorry your in this crazy situation. It's got to be tough ( Their your parents).

Roxanna - posted on 11/15/2012

110

53

16

Could you bring us up to date on what is going on? And clear up the confusion on who your "parents" consist of.

Everyone single one of these ladies have given you excellent advice. Change your number, have no contact with them. THey are toxuc!

Nicola - posted on 11/13/2012

7

0

0

As others have said, you should document events to date.



You mentioned the situation escalated out of control a month ago after your daughter got a slight burn on her hand. Their huge over reaction makes me wonder if something else may have either happened at the time or in the past (that may be totally unrelated to your daughter) to make them react in such a way.



You did not mention how your husband deals with all of the accusations. Do your parents speak to him in the same way as they do you, or does he just avoid them?



As you have continued to put up with the mental and verbal abuse you have received from your parents, would I be correct in thinking that you love your parents and do not want to end your relationship with them? If that is the case and as they will not listen to you, rather than calling their bluff about cutting them out of your life, perhaps you could consider family counseling for you, your husband and your parents together? I would not include your daughter at this stage as she does not need to hear what is said during the sessions. Perhaps a counselor could help your parents to understand the damage they are doing to not only you, but also to their granddaughter and your family unit. Explain to your parents that you understand you think the only reason they are speaking to you the way they are is because they care about the safe and happiness of their granddaughter. Explain both you and your husband want the same things for your daughter also and perhaps by seeing a councelor together, you will better be able to understand where they are coming from. It is important you don't say they are wrong or out of their minds with their behavious even though they are, it is more important to keep them feeling empowered and superior in order to get them to agree to go along so you can all get the help that is needed to protect your daughter and to save your sanity



Whatever happens, your daughter cannot continue to be subjected to such a hostile environment. I wish you the very best of luck.

Sharon - posted on 11/13/2012

3

0

0

I'm sorry to say this but your parents are very toxic. You are the parent now and you are going to have to step in and protect your child. Keep her away from them. They are doing her more harm than good. The fact that they sit her down and basically brainwash her is atrocious. How: dare they try and poison her mind against you and how dare they threaten you with CYS? If they had contacted them I would have assumed that CYS would be obligated to follow up on the complaint and investigate you and your family. I think the only mental abusers here are your parents.



I'm so sorry you are going through this. Good luck.



P.S. I think it is great that you all are going to therapy. Now you' ll have something in writing that is documented by a professional who is impartial.

Amanda - posted on 11/11/2012

1,194

4

171

I would keep these grandparents from seeing her. It sounds like for whatever reason, they feel they should be parenting her instead of you and her father. Keep away! I would NOT give them unsupervised visits either. You never know what they are telling her. Be very careful here!

Julie - posted on 11/11/2012

126

21

7

Cease all contact, get a lawyer in case of backlash, get your sister's testimony re: their harrassment/browbeating your daughter to say things that aren't true on paper. Pardon my french but they are fucking with your -and more worryingly- your little girl's heads. Protect your child, cut all contact. If can't do that (you really, really should. What they are doing is harming her), at the very, very least supervise their time with her 100% of the time. Your first duty is to protect your child's physical and emotional wellbeing.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms