Are there any moms of combined families who need a place to talk?

Kathleen - posted on 02/02/2009

First I must say "HATS OFF TO YOU" for being such a responsible woman b/c I will never understand a woman w/ kids who will openly be involved with a man who has outside kids who he's not involved with.  You are a wonderful example for others out there.

I don't think you have to force your beliefs on her.  The way to look at that is this, you maintain a Christian home and when she is there she will abide by the rules of that home and if going to church is what you all do then Chelsea will have to go even if she doesn't want to be there that's fine, the bible tells us in PROVERBS 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it".  You and your husband will just have to be steadfast in prayer and fasting for this situation b/c that battle is not you'lls it's his.  But please as best yall can don't see Chelsea's mom as a bad, evil person just know also that the word tells us in Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh & blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this age, etc."  I encourage you to continue reading the remainder. 

So not only do we want to pray for Chelsea, you, your family & home but we want to pray for her mom too.  I will definately pray that God will move mightly in everyone's life involved.  Just keep being the loving, caring mom you are to Chelsea when she's with you and she will come around in time.  Surely she is being fed negativity but no one can stop you loving her.  I'm here for you to listen and not speak and vice versa.  If you don't mind can we keep this going in the UNITED AS ONE community b/c we could be helping someone else going through the same thing.  Love you sister in Christ.

Amber - posted on 02/01/2009

Kathleen,

Thanks for the thoughtful input.  Not only is it helpful but it's nice to have someone to talk with. Recently Chelsea foudn out that her Grandmother has 3-6  months left to live.  She was diagnosed with cancer about  a year ago and now has brain tumors.  I  feel like I just don't have the right answers for her.  We've tried to get couseling for her but her mother refuses to take her and we don't have that option.  We only have visitation with her every other weekend and a few weeks out of the summer.  So during the work week she is soley under her mom's care.    This is so much for a 12 year old to deal with and I sometimes just don't know where to start. 

Lemme give you some background on her past.  Chelsea's Mother and father (my husband) split up when she was barely a year old.  Her Mom moved around a lot and since they were both very young when she was born he was not a big part of her life (Both because of him and her)  So when I met him I told him that there would be no future for us if he couldn't be  a good father.  He did see her previously but it was very random.  So he finally went to the courts and filed for a parenting plan, which he was granted.  At this time Chelsea and her oolder sister were living with the grandparents. 

Out of the blue one day My husband was reading a news paper article and it stated that Chelsea's grandparents were arrested and house repoed for selling drugs.  We went back to court and received temporary custody.  Then 8 months later her mom was given back both of her children.  I know Chelsea is very torn because she has never had that great bond with her mother and she wants it so badly.  Knowing this I know that she doesn't want to live away from her mother.  We tried to get permanent custody after all this but the courts found nothing wrong with her mother  (even though she knew her parents were selling drugs and she still had her children there).  When it comes to me and my husband Chelseas mom hates us.  We have a good home and we are very stabel and I think that she is just plain ole jealous.  So we have tried to talk to her as well about taking Chelsea to counseling but since it comes from us she wants nothing to do with it.

On another note we have tried to get Chelsea to attend our church with us and she refuses.  Her mother has never went or been very religious in any way.  I don't want to force my values and beliefs on her but I also don't want to seem like she can jsut do whatever she wants or doesn't want to do.  But like you said I don't want her to rebel against us either.......HELP

Kathleen - posted on 01/29/2009

Good Evening Amber,

Again I apologize for the delay in response hadn't realized I had any posts.  I definately feel that Chelsea is dealing with the adjustment but also try to understand she is also adjusting to becoming a preteen and we woman know that can be very no easy to do especially with so else seemingly going on her.  Maybe when it's Chelsea's time make sure that it's just that, her time uninterrupted, unshared by the other children and if you and your husband are in the position even get a sitter for 7mth old and you two make her time exclusive b/c of course for all those yrs she has never had to share.  Also maybe you can reiterate to her that whatever things are bothering her from her home invironment she can be open to discuss it with either of you when she is comfortable or she doesn't have to even worry about those things at all when she is with you all and when she decides to talk about it, which may be very little at first, just listen don't feed the conversation let her lead and ask her how can you make it better or easier for her to handle.  The other thing is perhaps it's time to get her some counseling just for her to learn how to deal with the things that she is bottling up b/c as with girls and I have 3 (20, twin 16yr olds) they tend to clam up and act out making the ones who care the enemy and then going outward to attempt to handle.  Constantly reassure her that being are you home is a safe place for her to be relaxed, to share and to be comfortable.  As for the having to share the bedroom well the reality of that is explaining to her that you'll realize she needs her own space but right now it's not feasible but when she needs some alone time if she will just come to either of you and express that perhaps the baby can be in the other room for awhile.  But above and beyond all that seek God in prayer about Chelsea's living arrangements and what his desire for her life will be. And if you and your husband are prepared fully and feel that the other home isn't stability for her then take the next step to getting her with you'll but not prematurely.  Hope I have been a help or at the very least insightful.  Please join UNITED AS ONE and lets keep the community growing and each other uplifted. Love you.

Kathleen - posted on 01/29/2009

Hello Jasmine,

My apologies for the delay in respone. Now of course I only know one side of the story but it very obvious that you love the baby very much and it causing a strain all around the family component.  My first suggestion is for and your husband to fast and pray about this situation b/c only God can truly fix it b/c he already knows the outcome.  As for the human side of you all continue to be the mature responding parents that you are being as it pertains to the babies mom but you'll are going to have to draw a line choose some limits. It's painfull obvious that this other young lady needs our prayers as well first of all but that she is still quite immature but the more you extend yourselves the more control you give her or at least that's the way she's looking at b/c I can almost guarentee that her motives are purely personally/emotionally driven and she's doing what to is keeping discord in your relationship and household.  Perhaps you can explain to the children in the home (with limits) that as much as you all love baby Zoe right now there are some situations that make it unable for her to be there but to know that as a family you all will continue to love her and be expecting any and all visits that she can make.  And it's not a bad idea for you all to pray as a family and allow the other children to be praying for their little sister.  Love you and of course my opinion is just one, it's not the Gospel according to anyone but I care.  Thanks for responding and please I encourage you to join UNITED AS ONE.  Stay in touch and I will be praying for the over all situation.

Amber - posted on 01/26/2009

I have a 7 month old baby girl.  My boyfriend of 7 years has a 12 year old from a prior relationship.  The last 6.5 years the 12 year old and myself have got along absolutely wonderful... Till my daughter came along.  Chelsea ( the 12 yr old)  Has an older sister and now her mother's boyfriend has a 2 year old.  She is now feeling left out and kinda ignored.  We try to make sure that she always knows that we still love her and she is just as important to us as always.  But she see's her father bonding with another more needy ababy girl.  Like I said to make matters worse there is a 2 yr old involved on the other side.  Her mother also is a barely involved mother.  When we don't have Chelsea here then she is always at her grandma's house.  She doesn't attend any of her school functions.  And just doesn't seem interested in the growth of either of her children.   What also makes it hard is that we live in a 2 bedroom house so my 7 month old,  Holly,  and Chelsea have to share a room on the weekends that she spends with us.  I have tried to talk to her and reinforce my love and feelings for her but I think that it's too early for her.  So because of this she doesn't really want to be involved in anything with her baby sister.   Any suggestions????

Amber - posted on 01/26/2009

I have a 7 month old baby girl.  My boyfriend of 7 years has a 12 year old from a prior relationship.  The last 6.5 years the 12 year old and myself have got along absolutely wonderful... Till my daughter came along.  Chelsea ( the 12 yr old)  Has an older sister and now her mother's boyfriend has a 2 year old.  She is now feeling left out and kinda ignored.  We try to make sure that she always knows that we still love her and she is just as important to us as always.  But she see's her father bonding with another more needy ababy girl.  Like I said to make matters worse there is a 2 yr old involved on the other side.  Her mother also is a barely involved mother.  When we don't have Chelsea here then she is always at her grandma's house.  She doesn't attend any of her school functions.  And just doesn't seem interested in the growth of either of her children.   What also makes it hard is that we live in a 2 bedroom house so my 7 month old,  Holly,  and Chelsea have to share a room on the weekends that she spends with us.  I have tried to talk to her and reinforce my love and feelings for her but I think that it's too early for her.  So because of this she doesn't really want to be involved in anything with her baby sister.   Any suggestions????

Jasmine - posted on 01/26/2009

this is a great idea. I have a daugter that came into my life when my husband and i broke up for 4 months. we are accepting and know how to share well because i have 2 older children from a previouse marriage. Zoe's mother, unfortunately is young and not very good at sharing. She has addiction problems and has just not grown up yet. The thing that is the most frustrating is that for years ( including when she was pregnant) i have always been there for her. She has asked me for advise alot and then trashes me and lies about me to everyone in our small community. This really hurts because i have always been the one encourageing her to get her GED and be confident in her skills as a mother. I have not only done this when talking to her but also defend her to everyone who knows her and her drug and alcohol issues. My husband are going to court to get a little more access time because she is not doing well at the moment and keeps disapearing so we cannot find our daughter. The last time she dissapeared for over a year and Zoe is only 3. I'm not sure how much longer I can "be the bigger person". And how much longer and how much more money do we spend on this child that we love dearly when we have 4 other children who have to share in never knowing if she is comming to visit. The money issue sounds mean because I know you can't put a price on a child but I have had to work 10 to 12 hour days while pregnant with the last 2 children and could onlu afford to stay at home with them for thier first 6 weeks each. We are having trouble paying child support and lawyer bills with us both working, low income with joint incoms. we have sold everything including our house. as you can tell i have alot of frustrations and need some one to understand and appreciate the pain my family has felt and the sacrifices we have made.