at a loss what should we do? NO RUDE COMMENTS!!

Ashley - posted on 10/13/2010 ( 63 moms have responded )

956

23

134

so I just found out today my younger brother who is 15 has been suspended from school for having pot on him and a large knife.. my husband and I have thought he was on drugs before but not many would believe us my younger brother can do no wrong you see in my moms eyes or his grandmothers anyways so my question is what to do now my husband feels my brother shouldnt be around us like our children or me because he is very rude towards me at most times ,,, but I feel bad because hes still my brother and he does have alot of problems like has a very bad learning disablility so I have always felt he needs me what should I do .. No overly rude comments tho please I am very upset about this

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dana - posted on 10/13/2010

11,264

35

489

It seems, IMHO, that everyone takes this a little too serious. He's 15 with some pot, he's not shooting heroin... It's no different then him getting caught with alcohol. It's actually MUCH safer than him drinking alcohol.

Dana - posted on 10/13/2010

11,264

35

489

I think cutting him off is the worst thing that you could do. Be the positive reinforcement in his life and help him.

[deleted account]

I can't say for sure as I've never been in that situation. I don't think it's wise for him to be around your children, but at the same time let him know that YOU still love him and WANT to help him. Getting help has to be his choice though.

C. - posted on 10/13/2010

4,125

35

238

Wow, Ashley.. I'm sorry you're having to go through that. I honestly don't KNOW what you should do but if I were in the same situation, I wouldn't allow the family member to be around me or my children until they got some kind of counseling and started to show that it was helping. I hope you can figure this out. I know it's very difficult when you have someone close to you go through something so bad that you just don't know what to do in regards to you and your family. Good luck! And if you ever want to vent or talk, I'm here :)

Christi - posted on 10/14/2010

1,038

34

74

I guess my parents raised my differently than everyone else. And yes, I do know how many people use it and it is sad. It should be illegal everywhere. Medicinal use my ass. My mother struggled for six years with cancer before she passed away and she never once used a drug that would alter her mental state, sick and in pain or not. She is my hero for that. Everyone bitches about how hard life is, grow the hell up. It is absolutely pathetic that people think they have to use drugs to keep themselves calm and even sadder that so many parents do it. I agree alcohol is horrible, but pot is just as bad. Not a gateway drug my ass. My life isn't a bed of roses, I have a low functioning autistic kid that requires help even when he is asleep and I struggle to stay in my home and feed my son, but you don't see me smoking out. There are better ways to relax. Grow up people, that's why this world has gone to shit. People are too busy smoking out to make good decisions.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

63 Comments

View replies by

Lisa - posted on 10/17/2010

1

0

0

Being a mother of a 16 year old with a learning disability I know where you are coming from. I also have a younger sister who was in special ed as a kid. In my family it is understood that we should understand certain actions because of their disability. However, It sounds like someone has an influance on your brother because of the drugs and weapons. I wouldn.t allow him around your children much because they are very impressionable. You wouldn't want them to even see your brother being mean to you becuase I have seen children imitate any one older then them. Even if they know it's wrong. Try to help your brother one on one. Away from your family. Just listen to him, don't lecture. You might find out a lot of what he is feeling. I know it is hard sometimes to understand them because they don't always explain themselves very well. Sometimes I have to really understand my kids and sister beause I just don't get it. Patients and love. It will all work out

Candy - posted on 10/17/2010

5

3

0

in that case then if i were you, i'd concentrate on my own family (partner and children) doesn't mean you have to cut him off, let him come to you if/when he realises that he needs you

Dana - posted on 10/17/2010

11,264

35

489

Ashley, I'd take a break from them all for a bit then. It's one thing if you're brother is doing something but if it's beginning to effect your peace of mind then that can't be good for your kids. Walk away from it all for a bit, he's a child, he's your moms responsibility. Your responsibility is to your husband and kids. Be his sister but, don't take it upon yourself to fix him.

Ashley - posted on 10/17/2010

956

23

134

already have talked to him and well that didnt work he answer is oh well shit happens! and he was rude before the pot hes jsut getting worse its a long hard story and honestly I am at my wits end with the whole family

Candy - posted on 10/17/2010

5

3

0

just a suggestion, the pot may be the reason he is 'rude' in the first place as it does have a negative effect on the brain. it is a depressant that coupled with being a teenager, with hormones all over the place doesn't help, i dont think you shold keep him at arms length in the slightest. as for the knife at school, it could well be for protection, at the end of the day schools are becoming more violent and children find new and more dangerous methods of inflicting abuse on eachother. its more than likely nothing. the only way to find out is to talk to him and you cant do that if you cut him off. good luck

Melissa - posted on 10/17/2010

1

51

0

Ashley in times like these you need to keep you children safe and out of harms way but he is still your brother talk to husband and see if you can compromise maybe he could allow you a few hours a week that you could visit your brother so that your brother doesn't think you don't love him anymore

Joyce - posted on 10/16/2010

1

2

0

Be his big sister. Keep him close and let him know that despite what he is doing to himself you still love him. Your husband should be a positive role model, not trying to keep him distant. Sounds like this young man needs all the support from those close to him that he can get.

Autumn - posted on 10/15/2010

11

49

0

Ashley...im so sorry your in this situation...my sister is 23 and does drugs, steals, so on and so fourth... i let her around my son..who is only a year old...i want him to know his family..no matter who they are...but i will not let my sister watch him or be alone with him... i set rules and boundries. It was hard for me to alow him around her becasue she will not set good examples for him...but im his mom...and i have most of the impact on his life..(well me and the hubby lol). But he needs to know his family...I hope this helps...Good luck

Sylvia - posted on 10/15/2010

8

9

0

I understand your loyalty to your brother, and it's very commendable. But your FIRST responsibility is to your children! I really don't feel that anyone using ANY KIND of drug (and pot IS a drug!), is capable of always making good decisions. Carrying a knife to school, shows that he falls in that catagory. Have a long talk with him...tell him you love him, and want to be there for him, but your kids have got to come first! Encourage him to get help, and tell him you're always ready to talk to him on the phone, computer, text-messaging, etc. If you can , maybe you could sometimes meet him at a burger joint...just to have REAL contact with him. Make him understand that you do and will always love him, and you want your kids to know and love their uncle. But this will only happen after he straightens himself out. Every community has places to help kids get through this very thing. There IS hope!! My neighbor's son when through a drug problem in his teens. His parents went through the 'tough love' approach ( it was tougher on his Mom...I sat with her quite often as she cried!) Today, he is married, has a full time job and is the proud father of 3 beautiful kids! Don't be discouraged, if that kid could do it, hopefully your brother will too! Good Luck!!!!!

Alex - posted on 10/15/2010

1

0

0

wow! i guess everyone's entitles to their own opinion. Mine. He is your brother. And if your like me, you want the best for him and is willing to help him in any way. I also have a baby girl and I would not keep their uncles away from them for a simple misdemenour. Kids are kids. As much as we want to we cant keep them from experimenting. Just lay out the rules. Here are mine..In my house, you will not have any drugs.period. We're from the country so knifes and guns are no big deal but if your not comfortable with them. RULE2- no weapons. You will be respectful. No yelling or cursing at me just bc your upset. And you will not bring around anyone that can not follow these rules. My brothers love my little one and its important that we show support and love. Talk to him. See whats going on. And lots of prayer! May God help you in your situation.

Christi - posted on 10/15/2010

1,038

34

74

well, Ashley Levy, my original post was directed at what your concerns where, but then other moms posted about drinking and pot so i responded to them. no need to attack me. if you don't like my posts, delete them.

Ashley - posted on 10/15/2010

956

23

134

thanks everyone as I have said earlier we are gonna try to stay in his life as much as possible he has pushed alot of us away by moving in with his grandmother as none of us get along with her she has done some very nasty things but ya .. anyways thanks again and please Christi Thompson if your gonna post again maybe keep in on topic we I dont care about people drink or smoking pot really as I have said a few time the main thing was the knife ... just thought I would give all the info about what they found on him thats the only reason I mentioned the pot!

Krista - posted on 10/15/2010

12,562

16

842

I think that you can still be there for your brother, but without endangering your kids. Keep in contact with him, ask him what's going on in his life, take him out to lunch once in awhile -- just be there for him. Other than that, I would ask your mother to consider family counseling to see if there is something else going on -- his learning disability is probably making him angry, which leads to making poor choices. Don't give up on him, but just make sure that you set healthy boundaries and that your mom is making sure that he's getting the help that he needs.

Tina - posted on 10/15/2010

4

12

0

maybe you could sit down with him and explain how you and your husband are feeling and still tell him you love him, but has to becareful around you and your children.... give him a chance and if he doesn't understand or does not respect you guys cut back on him visiting.. Hopefully he would respect you and your family as you have always been there for him. Talk to him alone though. Hope this makes sense and best wishes..

Katelyn - posted on 10/15/2010

64

3

4

He is still your brother. He needs you the most right now. He is obviously going through a rough time. As a mother I would not let him around my children. I don't want my children seeing someone they should respect disrespecting me, as well as, he may be influencing them in ways that they shouldn't be. May be an intervention amongst your family members could help. Maybe just call him up and say that you want to take him to lunch and try to really get to the bottom of the issue. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it, but just letting him know that you acknowledge something is going on in his life that isn't quite right and that you are there for him despite it all may make him feel better. All you can do is try, but I don't think abandoning him in his time of need is the right decision.

Leighana - posted on 10/14/2010

5

35

1

Hi I am so sorry you are going through this! Have you ever heard of Teen Challenge? This is a christian place that helps troubled teens, who are dealing with many things even drugs. It is a great program. Many successes. There is another thing you can look into and that is called Young Life. I am not sure exactly what they do but they are a Christian organization. He needs love and discipline, not rejection but you also have to answer to your husband as he is your head, leader in teh home. I do agree with your husband in that if he is disrespectful to you, he should not be around the children as this can have a huge effect on them. You are not in an easy place. I hope things get better. Just do not give up on him, that is the last thing he needs.

[deleted account]

If I was in your situation I wouldn't want him around my children at all until he had a) changed and b) was able to prove he had changed. It's not any sort of example to your children and if he is that unpredictable your children could potentially be put in danger.

Dana - posted on 10/14/2010

11,264

35

489

******Mod Alert******



Ladies, let's keep it on topic and just answer/help the OP. Thank you~ Dana WtCoM moderator

Erica - posted on 10/14/2010

205

30

25

i have someone in my family like this....I refuse to let him be around me or my kids. It does cause alot of issues however I have to protect my kids. You have to do what is right for you and your kids and not worry about what they will think. Sorry you are having to deal with this

Ashlynn - posted on 10/14/2010

4

11

0

I don't think pushing him away, and not letting him come over, will help....but if he does come over, and you choose to let him come over, make sure you are in the room at all times with your children.

Jakki - posted on 10/14/2010

731

11

26

You're his big sister - there is an opportunity still for you to be a stabilising influence in his life. I'd recommend spending time with him, either with or without you kids, just to build up your relationship with him. For instance can you invite him out to do something fun at the weekend together, eg something outdoorsie that will appeal to him as well as the rest of you and won't involve "heavy talking". My thinking is that if you have a good relationship with him, you'll be in a better position to help him through these problems. But if he behaves inappropriately towards you, be very firm and immediately say you won't tolerate it. Be absolutely clear with him - you're willing to take him out etc, but on the condition that he treats you with respect.

Keara - posted on 10/14/2010

205

4

29

sorry i didn't realize there were two pages of comments... so i didn't read all of them before i put up my reply...

Ashley - posted on 10/14/2010

956

23

134

to answer your question Keara there is 7 yrs difference between us and since you dont seem to have read my other post in this thread I have said its not the pot that bugs us and Yes I knew all that stuff about it along time ago I had many friends who did it I chose not to my husband did it in his early teens as well but decided theres far better things in the world then pot my biggest problem with my brother is this knife thing and his disrespect for everyone even my children once and awhile I realize he is just a teen and I know his problem is that since my girls came around it makes him no longer the center of everyones world but I can't stand its lack of respect and the fact that now he is carrying a knife on him makes me wonder why ... as I said I did talk to him earlier and hes not talking at all about it just that he got in trouble shit happens

Debbie - posted on 10/14/2010

6

3

1

Now that your Mom's and Grandma's eyes are open, they will have to deal with the situation. He is struggling and yelling for help by having the pot and the knife. It is very difficult, but it is time for tough love. Your family will need some help, establishing definite boundries, and consequences. Start off with small conversations (set a time limit), let him do the talking, and explaining. 2 ears one mouth, listen twice as much as you talk. Don't wait to find out what he is struggling with.
This is an adult situation, your children should not be present. Visit with your brother one on one, but don't let him disrespect you. Leave, but then reconnect on a different day. Let him know that you still love him and will keep working with him, as long as he is respectful. Good Luck

Keara - posted on 10/14/2010

205

4

29

i think that cutting him out of your life would be the worst thing you could do... it will make him resent you and lash out even more... unless u feel he might harm you or your children then you should definately stick by him... he's 15 and thats a really tough age, and he's going to experiment... marijuana is not a problem at all really... its not addictive and u CANNOT overdose on it, in all the statistics and articles and reports that i've read ( i'm very pro-marijuana) there are NO reported cases of someone dying from or doing harm to anyone else while using marijuana... it does not kill brain cells like people think it does in fact its actually been proven to promote cell growth and healing and it doesn't have the toxins that cigarettes and other tobacco products have... obviously its a controlled substance, and should not be brought to school but really i wouldn't worry too much about him smoking or being in possesion of marijuana, he'll probably just get tired and hungry, and veg out... but the knife could be an issue.. what is the age difference between the two of you? my baby brother is 9 years younger than me and almost twice my size but i've always told him that no matter how big he gets i'll always be his big sister and i'll always be able to kick his but if he misbehaves.... maybe try some tough love for him being rude to you, give him the option.. tell him that if he can't treat you with respect then he won't be welcome in your home... don't get confrontational though because that will just make him defensive... make sure your husband isn't treating him differently as well... good luck

Ashley - posted on 10/14/2010

956

23

134

once again thanks everyone ... I have finally had the chance to talk to him and hes pretty much using the tough kid act says and i quote" I got in trouble that its shit happens" says he dont do drugs he just had it in his bag doesnt know why he did tho.. some times he makes little sense .. but I told him I love him and to call me whenever .. I have also talked to my hubby about what we should do and we have decided that he needs us but on a short chain we are gonna have a sit down n tell him we will not stand for that stuff around our little girls they may still be toddlers but they still dont need that stuff and if he decides to act other wise then he wont be aloud at the house I guess this is the best I can do for now

Roberta - posted on 10/14/2010

2

6

0

Tell him you love him and will always be there for him, but you need for him to never come around you or your children high. Let him know drugs are no good for him, they will always get you in trouble. With drug use you will eventually end up in jails, institutions, or death. God bless you and your family. May God put a healing hand on your brother.

Victoria - posted on 10/14/2010

39

18

4

Hey Ashley,I understand that your husband doesn't want him around "cause he doesn't like you being disrespected,have you tried talking to your husband and telling him how you feel,and explain to your brother that you very much want him a part of your life but he is giong to half to respect you,and you don't want your children to see him being that way 'cause you don't want them to think it's okay ,(affortunatlly children learn from their surrounding's) and you dont want any conflict with u'r hubby or u'r brother,I know how you feel me and my younger brother are very close and you should not half to choose it is'nt fair.So talk to both of them tell u'r brother(nicely,in a way it wont hurt his feeling)that he cant come around when he's high(because of the kids)and you really want him around and make sure he knows you are there for him.He really needs big sis right now.I hope every thing turns out ok for you,your hubby and u'r brother.

JuLeah - posted on 10/14/2010

3,133

38

681

Your brother is a fine kid, I am sure. He is using the only skill and tools he has. Most kids that act like this have folks in their life helping them as his mother seems to be. It is easier to ignore this then deal with it, sadly, your brother will pay for her lack of effort and courage.
Be there for him, be a sounding board, love him. Protect yourself and your family from his behavior, but keep loving him. He is not his behavior. Don't make excuses for him, he has enough folks in his life doing that already, but do have compassion. You can have empthy without feeling sorry for him, he doesn't need that from anyone.

Dana - posted on 10/14/2010

11,264

35

489

Sorry, I wasn't trying to make anything a debate. I was just generally curious as to why so many would think it's good to write him off over something so trivial in the grand scheme of life.

What size knife is it? Has anyone asked him what he's doing with it? Many boys carry knives, the bigger the better, it's a stage in life. I would hope he's not actually doing any harm with it, of course if he is then yes, you would want to keep your kids away from that.

Ashley - posted on 10/14/2010

956

23

134

thanks everyone .. he is not being bullied and he does fit in with everyone hes that fun loving kid but he has picked the wrong friends because they are "cooler" then his old friends or his older siblings are lol... the knife is that part that is scaring us we dont know where he got it from or why he carries it except that his friends n him are scrappers and love to fight.... as for the pot well honestly we dont care if he smokes it or not in the town we live in its kinda a common thing for teens and even the people in our generation to do ... Not me and my husband we cant stand the stuff anyways hes not bullied not picked on and that hes just in the wrong crowd but him as a 15 yr old he knows it all you know... and he doesnt have much of a male rolemodel since he doesnt get along with his older brother and he sees my husband as a brother not a older male to look up to just someone to joke with ... our father passed away when I was 12 so my brother was only 4 so long story short we have had a hard life and My only problem is this knife and such thanks for listening

Ashley - posted on 10/14/2010

956

23

134

Dana just to clear things up it was much bigger then a pocket knife and yes to me pot isnt a big thing but he had a Knife at a school thats a bit much for me ..I am just looking for advice on how to handle this not a debate on pot vs alcohol

Theresa - posted on 10/14/2010

1,310

22

231

You're in a very tough situation. You don't want your brother to feel you are abandoning him, but you don't want that influence around your children. You also don't want it to come between you and your husband. I think your brother definatly should not be alone with the children. not that he would try to hurt them, but if he has a knife, accidents could happen. If he's rude to you, you don't want your children to start behaving like that either. I would sit your brother down and try to explain why your concerned about being around him with your kids. Tell him that if he continues that you have to put your kids first and he won't be allowed to be around them. I also think you should try to talk him into getting some counseling, even if he just talks to the school counselor. He may be acting out because he feels dumb because of his learning disability. You also need to sit down with your mom and tell her she's not doing her son any favors by pulling the "my child wouldn't do that" routine. He's been caught, it's ovious he does it. She needs to get him some help before it goes any farther. Good luck.

Jessica - posted on 10/14/2010

477

15

66

I completely understand!! My sister has been a living horror for my family! She got arrested SIX times in 45 days...the school asked my parents to have her transfered b/c they didn't want to kick her out and then she wouldn't even go to school when they did transfer her. She got kicked out b/c she wouldn't take the ITBS tests. The first time she got aressted she was trying to steal a hair straightener and then started flipping out on the pregnant assistant manager and cussed out the cop! Then she got aressed for pot and some other stuff, then stealing alcohol from wal mart...just over and over it was something. Ne way my dad would defend her up and down and say she is just a kid she doesn't need help. She ONLY got probation which really upset me b/c that chick needed to get in trouble!!! She hasn't been arrested since then but she kept smoking pot and this was all when she was 15 and turned 16...she then got pregnant and no one knew until 2 weeks before she had the baby and about 2 months after she had her we found out that her and the dad were doing meth! It has been one battle after another with her and my dad is finally trying to put his foot down and do the right thing but now my mother is defending her!!! SORRY I am telling you all this...I just wanted you to know I have been through the same thing. SORT of...it just gets worst...things just seem to go down hill quickly. When you think things are getting better all of a sudden it is worst then it was the first time. i am not trying to say that every child is like that but it seems to be a pattern with most children that as you said can't do ne thing wrong in the eyes of someone in their family. Not talking to him would be a big mistake. He is possibly looking for attention just like small children do...they don't get the attention they want or the attention of the RIGHT person so they do things that they know are wrong!! No matter what happens he is your brother and of all the things he does nothing is going to change that. He is always going to need you in his life and he might act out in the wrong way if you just completely remove yourself from his life. If you think it is the right thing then keep him out of your children's lives. There is no reason for them to be involved or to see that sort of behavior and they don't need to see someone disrespecting their mother. Ne time my sister has been a mess I make sure my son is with someone that I can trust...she is never disrespectful to my face...she just talks crap about me behind my back so I don't have to worry about her saying horrible things to me with my son around but there are times when our family has come together and told her how we felt and have called the cops. Right now you need to do what is best for your children but your brother also needs support. If something happens, things get too bad he is really going to need your love and support. My mother had a really bad drug problem when she was younger and the first year of my life and she told me that you can't help yourself for you...you have to do it for the people that you love b/c you hate yourself more then you hate ne thing else. You have to have that love in your life to help you through the hard and to get past it all...ne way I hope you find what you need and know that it is YOUR choice what you do!!!

Amanda - posted on 10/14/2010

2,559

3

365

Pot isnt illegal for everyone everywhere in the world Christi, plenty of well functioning people smoke pot. You be shocked just how many people you actually know smoke it, and you have zero clue. Pot does not lead to hard drug use, bad choices lead to harder drug use. Prescription abuse, and alocohol abuse are the leading causes to harder drugs like coke, crack, meth. Ie oxycodon, percs, ADHD drugs (which lead to using street speed).

No one said it was ok, we just said it wasnt as bad as people are making it out to be. That pot use and carring a knife is not a very good reason to cut someone out of your life, esp a brother.

It actually suprises me how many woman on here are so willing to cut everyone out of their lives if they dont do things their way. There must be a lot of loney families out there. I clearly stated TWICE (now THREE times) that this boy needs a speaking to, to find out what is really going in his life. So no I am not excusing his behaviour, I am saying to find out the truth instead of cutting a person out of your life, why not understand them instead. A little compassion and understanding can go a long way.

Christi - posted on 10/14/2010

1,038

34

74

I think both alocohol and pot are a big deal. There isn't one I would prefer to see my child doing, but I would not had the attitude of oh, it's just pot, thank God if I found out my son was smoking. From having an older brother who has had nothing but problems with drugs and the law, I know that it doesn't stop. Pot lead to my brother doing other thinks like heroine and ecstacy because his mom had the same attitude. Not saying it will happen to your children, but if you let them think that something ILLEGAL is ok, then how are you supposed to be an example for your children and raise them to know what is right and wrong.

Angie - posted on 10/14/2010

2,621

0

406

I'm so sorry that your family is having to experience this. First, don't make excuses for his behavior, "he does have a lot of problems like has a very bad learning disability". What he's doing is wrong and a learning disability isn't an excuse for that. I agree with your husband; your children do not need to be exposed to his behavior. If your husband doesn't want to be with him, his feelings should be respected. However, if you think you can do something to help your brother, spend time with him seperate from your husband and children. Keep in mind, you are to be respected - always. If you allow him to be rude and nasty once he will think he can do it always. Be strong and teach him the appropriate way to treat you and other women. Good luck and I hope your brother recovers from this soon.

Amanda - posted on 10/14/2010

2,559

3

365

For the pot user comment, actually I dont use pot or any other drug. Dana has a great point about booze (since it is the true gateway drug). I dont need to use pot to understand the effects of it on ones brain. Pot actually out of all drugs (inculding booze) is the least damaging on the body, and mind, it is safer then most perscription drugs. Pot use does not make a person dangerous, unless the person is already dangerous to start with, ie schizophrenic.

Nor does carring a pocket knife. Like I said before, sit your brother down and find out why hes carring a knife around. My point was that his actions are pretty typical of many teenagers.

Cheryl - posted on 10/14/2010

42

2

0

Firstly, you have a wonderful husband who is trying to protect his family. Thank him for loving you and your child/children so much.

From this moment on the old addage "do unto others as you'd want them to do unto you" is going to be especially important to your husband and your brother.

Secondly, your brother is treating you as another parent. You are not his parent.

Thirdly, I would first take a step backward. Your primary obligation now is to the family you are creating, which includes your husband and his concerns. Take a month or so to make a strategy, you can be a very important part of your brother's life now, but not if you are "reacting" rather than following a plan of action.

Note, your brother's pot smoking shows he's not fitting in, his knife shows he scared. you are sensing that and are sad for him, but you must resist reacting without thinking or planning, you won't be helping.

Without tears, without begging, without attacking his natural need to protect you, talk to your husband about how genuinely sad you are for your brother. Let him know that you will do nothing that the two of you as a family have not agreed to and stick to this, do not risk your husbands trust. Ask him to help you make a plan to "love" your brother in a sisterly adult way, he may also be frightened, and this may take a while, be patient with him. He is more important in the big scheme of things to your children than your brother. Honor that.

Rules, you need to discipline yourself. Never gossip about your brother to your mother or other family members, this gets back and destroys trust. Try to find any little thing your brother is doing that is notable as a positive, and speak about that to everyone. Try to talk to him seperate from family gatherings. Listen more than talk. Don't tattle, but make it perfectly clear to him so he acknowledes that he understands, that if he tells you anything that is illegal, or self destructive, you have to then tell someone because you love him too much to help him distroy himself. Even when he's unlovable tell him how much he means to you and how you realize things haven't been perfect between you but you want a relationship now, is he willing to try? Then, with your husbands blessing and or him with you, meet with your brother. Try to arrange meeting him on a regular basis (once a week, or a month etc) in safe public places, buy him pop or coffee, let him talk. Listen, listen, listen. When you can agree with your brother do. Don't verbalize any disagreements, just shake your head side to side slowly when what he says disturbs you and see if he asks your opinion. Only offer opinions when asked. Tell him that what he said really disturbed you, make sure he wants to hear. Be gentle, he's really having a tough time. Don't criticize. Then listen to him, draw him out, be sisterly. He goes home his own way, you go own yours.

Come to grips with the fact that you may not be able to save your brother, but God may, so most of all pray. Pray for guidence, pray for help taming your tongue, pray for your extended family, pray for your husband, and pray for your brother.

Huneka - posted on 10/14/2010

2

37

0

I definitely wouldn't give up on your brother, we all learn as we go. Be the positive example he needs, but don't allow him to disrespect you. Set expectations for him at your home and in your relationship, let him know that you are doing your best to be a good mother and by doing that you have to be careful what your children are exposed to, whether it is his language or his actions. Remember he is 15, and he has a lot to learn, he is testing his boundaries, so set them for him in your life, if you have a good relationship with your mom, talk to her about how you feel, so you can work together, the actions your brother is taking now, will continue to affect him later, and the learning disability should not be a crutch, it should be an obstacle that your mom and you can help him conquer.

Sal - posted on 10/13/2010

1,816

16

33

not sure on the legal aspect of carrying a knife here in aus but a minor isn't even allowed to buy a steak knife from kmart. try and help your brother get help, maybe school isn't for him, look at other options like a traineeship or tech training, hopefully if he is enjoying work/school and has better mates and some thing interesting in his life pot will stop being an issue,
one thing i heard was that by making excuses for someone with a learing difficulty /handicap you are just telling them that is all that is expected of them so "continue doing what you're doing we never thought you'd amount to anything anyway" so tell him what you think he is capable of, what your dreams for him are, he'll probally just brush it off with a rude teenage grunt but keep at it, hold him to a higher standard and help him get there, because your mum will always make excuses for him,( i think they feel gulity for not having the perfect child, or maybe if they admit there is a problem it will mean they were bad parents to have a bad kid), telling her any different will be to no avail, so she is no help with this (i know my mum is the same about my brother and her grandkids in general)

Dana - posted on 10/13/2010

11,264

35

489

I'm not offended by Christi's comment, Brandy, I didn't actually say it was no big deal.

Though I am curious as to how many people think alcohol isn't a big deal but, pot is.

Tracy - posted on 10/13/2010

737

13

78

Has anyone stopped and taken the time to talk to your brother? You say he has a learning disability, is that being dealt with properly? Your mom and grandmas need to wake up, for certain. He's a kid, he's human, he's not perfect and at times needs a boot in his ass. Is there any way to get him in counseling? This sounds like an outcry to me. Somethings up with the kid, and if he isn't brought up short now it could get worse. Why is he carrying a knife? Is he being harassed?

He can be turned around, you have to get your family on track with it though.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/13/2010

178

8

0

It's understandable to be upset. And I can also understand you husband's point. You need to let him know you are still his sister and you love him, but you are disappointed in what he has done. That as a mother and wife you have to think about what is in the best interest in your family. Even if that means that he won't be able to come around like he did before. But that he brought this on him self. Let him know that if he needs someone to talk to, or needs your help in getting him some help just to let you know. It's time for some tough love. It sounds like that you think the drugs have been going on for awhile. He may need some professional help. Something could have happened, got involved with the wrong crowd, or just to much stress and he broke under it. Don't give up on him, you can distance your children from him and still be there for him. But also, don't let him be rude with you. When you love someone you show them respect. It may not show instantly, but if you don't put up with the rudeness, he'll respect you for it later. It took him some time to get to this point in his life and it will take some time for him to come around. Just keep at him. But if he doesn't wan't help and he thinks he's doing nothing wrong then there's nothing you can do. He has to admit and see that this is a problem and he needs to stop and get some help. That's the first step. Good Luck.

Brandy - posted on 10/13/2010

553

23

84

i just read christi's comment directed towards dana and that seemed pretty uncalled for.

Brandy - posted on 10/13/2010

553

23

84

i think you have every right to continue to see your brother, maybe you can work something out about the kids but youre an adult and hes your family.

Megan - posted on 10/13/2010

218

5

26

I would only meet with your brother in public where there are some natural barriers to what he can do and say. Also that gives you the advantage you can walk away when he is rude.

I agree its not something to be encouraged but since I was the "good girl" with some not so good friends I ended up holding onto a knife or two in high school so that doesn't worry me too much, it was mostly about status and having something if they needed to defend themselves as they were headed home.

The pot and the rudeness both bother me personally. I would make it very clear to him he is never welcome in your home with pot or high. The rudeness he treats you with is the most likely to rub off on your children first. GL its a nasty situation to be in.

Christi - posted on 10/13/2010

1,038

34

74

and to the woman that said it is basically no big deal, it's pot... really? let's all go out and give our children knives and pot and see how fast this world becomes worthless, not that it is already going that way. no offense, but i just can't believe you would say something like that. pot hurts your brain too, and anyone who says otherwise has clearly smoked a lil too much. where do you think the term mush brains and pot head came from?

Christi - posted on 10/13/2010

1,038

34

74

i am sorry you are going through this, but speaking from experience, it would be wise to keep your children away from him, especially if he is rude to you around them. i know he is your brother and it will be hard, but it will be better for you and your family. my brother i wish i could say is someone i want my son around, but sadly he isn't. after two kids and a wonderful wife, he keeps throwing it all away for pot, stealing, heroine and skanky strippers. he is going to prison for the second time in four years and will most likely be away for a long time. i love him to death, but there is no well in hell my son will be around him.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms