at my wits end!

Gillian - posted on 10/19/2012 ( 28 moms have responded )

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Hi there. I'm a mum to a 2 year old and married. Lately feel like I'm going mad. I am the main earner at home and have a responsible job involving a lot of long days. Hubby works part time for his friend. He does take dd to nursery for me and collect her while I work which I appreciate, but I can't stop almost hating him lately! We're in our thirties yet he's in a band and thinks he will be famous one day. He's out partying ( they call it gigs or practice ) at least once a week drinking and smoking weed, neither of which he can afford. They have now decided they need more nights out together to bond! We haven't been out as a couple alone since dd was 6 months old. He does no housework, I need to fit that in in my 60 hour working week while he sits texting the guys and girl in his band on the cell I pay for! I've caught him lying once, told me he was off weed as we were struggling financially, only for me to find texts on his cell to the girl in his band asking her to get it for him and her agreeing she would and planning a big bbq on a beach to get stoned while I was at work! I feel like choking him at times. Sorry it's long winded lol. Any advice appreciated x

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Chasmodai - posted on 10/22/2012

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Hi Gillian: I can relate to what you are going through. My first marriage was like this. I kept compensating for his immaturity and irresponsible behavior. The more I covered for him, the more irresponsible he became. I found out later that what I was doing was called "enabling." In other words, the more irresponsible he was, the more responsible I became to keep things in balance, but I was actually helping him get worse. After we divorced, he continued the same pattern in subsequent relationships. He would clean himself up somewhat when he HAD to, but then as soon as he found someone to take care of him he would get worse, until they got sick of it and kicked him out.



When you wrote that this had happened before in his previous relationship, I realized that it sounds like your husband has a big problem. My advice to you is to either get counseling right away, or get free of the relationship before it drags you and your children down.

Jennifer - posted on 10/21/2012

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He is obviously not the kind of person who can smoke weed recreationally once in a while. He has an addiction, and a mother who enables him by making excuses for his poor behavior and not raising him with any accountability. I agree you can not give ultimatum with out following through 100% or he will mever take you seriously. Unless he gets clean and stays clean, he will only be a detriment to your life, your finances and your children. Shame on his mom, and all the mother-in-laws out there who think their sons can do no wrong. This is not love, love is holding your child's feet to the fire, if necessary, to make sure their children become the men and women they were born to be.



Gillian, put your dignity, pride, and self-respect in the driver's seat of your life. Here is your chance, your moment to hold your head high, and be the woman YOU were born to be! This is your time to shine, and teach your children, by example, what self-respect is all about. Don't allow this man or anyone else to disgrace you in this manner. Need some inspiration? Put some old motown tunes on: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, etc. Color your hair, put some heels on, get that attitude on.....



What do you want your legacy to be when you leave this earth! What do you want written on you headstone?? How about "One hell of a woman buried here! I had the last laugh! Still laughing...." Think about i!

Kathryn - posted on 10/21/2012

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Exhale! These things are normal. He is hiding his weed habit because he knows you don't like it, and possibly lying to avoid fights, not to upset you but keep you both from gettting more upset. You are under a lot of stress, and you need to find a way to relieve some of that, not by focusing on his behavior - which may or may not change - but by focusing on your goals, priorities and how best to achieve them, if they can be achived, if things do not change.

Lisa - posted on 10/21/2012

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Ok.....in my opinion, don't give him an ultimatum unless you are going to stick to it.....I believe a seperation is in order, He has not taken his place as a man, that is the head of the household.....he wants to run the street and have a family. He should not be GIVEN all that power, change the locks if you stay in the home, on your way out to work tell him you do not want him there when you get back and have someone else to.pick your child/children up. If that can't work change your schedule. It is too much him treating your marriage like a revolving door. Take the power back regain QUEEN. if he can't be your Prince then he needs to be deleted from the equation...be a part of the solution not part of the problem.... HE IS NOT ELIGIBLE.......you have children, you can't raise a man that just doesn't get it, he does not want to get it.......I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR SANITY AND THAT YOU MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS.....

Stephanie - posted on 10/23/2012

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Would he be willing to do counseling? The reason I ask is because who ever the counselor is will tell him you everything you are telling him. I hate to say this, but it clearly sounds like he doesn't respect you or he would listen to your feelings. He doesn't have to agree with them, but calling you vile names tells me he doesn't respect your opinion. I know that is harsh, but I call them like I see them. If he doesn't respect you you will never be able to move forward and you will begin to despise him more. Please try counseling even if he won't go himself. Hopefully, it will raise your awareness of how selfish he is being, and the strength to do something about it. You definately are nicer than me because if my husband wasn't working full time without a legitimate reason I would of cut the cell phone, and change the account numbers. I applaud you on being a good person, but don't let him destroy you financially as well as emotionally. Good luck hun!

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Ronda - posted on 10/24/2012

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@Julia Pipping: What an amazing story!! :) Very encouraging, thanks for sharing!



@Gillian Dodds: Find a good church, talk to God, He will help. It says in the bible that "He is a very present help in time of trouble" If your not a believer, and you are at your wit's end, then what have you got to lose? Also find a Christian counsellor. Approach your husband and hopefully he will want to save your marriage too. I will be praying for you.

Gillian - posted on 10/24/2012

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Thank you. I'm afraid I don't have a religion as such but I will try. He is developing some health issues lately and I fear the decision to change his lifestyle may be taken out of his hands. Doctor tomorrow.....

Claudette - posted on 10/24/2012

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Yes first of all you have to pray and ask the Lord for wisdom. Then you do what God tells you to do.

Julia - posted on 10/24/2012

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I believe you need to think through just what your priorities are in this relationship. Is it important to you to try to save this marriage for yourself & you daughter, or to not have this headache? I married a man who I thought was everything i ws looking for in a man... a solid Christian who loved me, was a successful business owner, didn't smoke or do drugs & rarely drank, Turns out he wanted to be those things, so he pretended to be those things. His relatives are Christian, moral, and many of them don't drink, none of them do drugs or smoke. I felt betrayed & resentful for the first half of my marriage. He was gone most nights until between 11pm & 3am. I was sad, angry, and frustrated. He wanted the benefits of a wife who shopped, cooked, was there when he wanted for affection & support, but did not expect him to be responsible or accountable. His hobby wasn't a band, but video gaming with friends, w/ marajana. I decided that my priority was to stay married & try to salvage the marriage. I don't know what your relationship is with God, but for me, I started praying, hard. I got Christian friends I trusted to pray for our marriage & his addictions, long term. I got people at church & my bible study to pray he would quit smoking, drinking, drugs, & that God would change who he is as a man. That he would be a godly husband & father. I prayed several times, everyday. I even prayed that God would do whatever it takes to my husband & protect me & the kids from the consequences of my husbands poor decisions. Well, it took 5 years & a DUI where he lost his truck in a wreck from drinking & now has it on his record whenever he applies for jobs for him to start to admit there was a problem. We had a lot of talks, where I ended up crying but telling him I loved him & felt that he loved his friends more than me, his wife since he wanted to spend more time with them than me. Eventually, over the years, he started hanging out with them less & less & coming home earlier. Now he is out 1x or less per week with friends to play video games & is home by midnight. After several occasions when I needed him to watch our two young ones by himself for several hours, he started seeing how hard 7 exhausting it is to care for the kids. He saw when he would help me with them, I was happier & less critical of him & more loving toward him & less snappy at others. Now he helps me get them in bed each evening, because I repeatedly told him how much that helped me & asked him to do so. Positive reinforcement of him, thanking him for doing the small stuff has led to him spontaneously do more & more around the house to help me. His mom did everything & his dad treated her like dirt, so he had a bad role model growing up. I don't let him use bad language around me or the kids. He once told me to Shut Up. I got so mad, we got in a bad fight. I told him when we calmed down that was unacceptable. That cussing, bad language is disrespectful. I don't disrespect him, he needs to respect me. He appologized & everytime even a small cuss word comes out, I gently remind him to watch his language around the kids, we don't want them to learn it & repeat it. He cusses less & less now. *Positive reinforcement: I thank him for watching his language around us when he gets frustrated or angry & doesn't cuss. *Pos. Re: When I asked him to vacume the rug, I thank him for doing it. Now he has started vacuming several times a month, he washes the dishes & I put them away, he does several loads of laundry a month, he sometimes cooks for us, he often now fixes his own lunch or dinner if I am busy, he fixes some of the things I ask him to fix (although that does often take a few weeks of asking, he eventually does get it doen.) He was willing to go to counseling, not because he thought we needed it or that it would help, but because it was important to me & I asked it of him. The first guy we saw for several sessions didn't help us. The second time was a woman, she got through to him about several issues I had. He is becoming the responsible, ateentive, supportive spouse I need. It took 5 years of prayer & 8 years of marriage, but we are getting there. I had to fight for my Prince Charming. He is a work in progress. Are you willing to fight for your perfect man? ( He is done with drugs, quitting drinking through AA & quitting smoking now.) :-) Good luck. Prayer & patience work.

Kara - posted on 10/23/2012

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Wow he is a asshole. Sorry to be blunt but he should worship the ground u walk in. And once u have kids u have to give up things u love. And absolutely no more partying and band nights. Grow up and get a real full time job and help raise your family dude.

Chasmodai - posted on 10/23/2012

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There is absolutely no excuse for the way he is treating you. Calling you a bitch? Is this how he treats the number one person in his world? You are better than that.

Amber - posted on 10/23/2012

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According to Dr Phil we teach people how to treat us. When I entered into a relationship with my husband I made it clear that we were going to raise our daughter together which meant we both worked separate shifts in order to minimize babysitting, we split chores, and yes-he had to get up with her too. We sacrificed a lot to ensure one of us was home with her the majority of the time. He had his night out every now and again as did I. Once in a while we went out together as a couple or the three of us as a family. It wasn't easy nor was it perfect but you do what is necessary to take care of your child. It's a balance that has to begin with the realization that we all have to financially as well as emotionally support each other and our families. Our daughter is a teenager now and we get to spend quality time together as a family, we both work the day shift, and my husband and I have a newfound respect for how far we've come. Marriage is hard work, but you both have to participate in it to make it work. Don't accept a half-assed sorry excuse for a man who doesn't put your family first. As Madea says, "you can do bad all by yourself."

Robyn - posted on 10/23/2012

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Have u consider talking to him bout how his life style is effecting u ur children and you cld use a little help with everything. See what he says and really explain to him how u feel if worst comes to worst give him an ultimatium

Gillian - posted on 10/23/2012

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Thank you so much for your advice everyone. I feel stronger knowing I'm not being unreasonable! Tried talking to him and he asked why I'm so closed off lately. I explained ( again ) I find it hard to trust him at the moment. It erupted lol he said I was being a bitch, I should get over it and then refused to take dd to daycare. Not a great outcome. He just won't change. He has never suffered consequences for anything he's ever done thanks to his very supportive family and this has created a monster. He came across as a spoilt little boy.

Alexandra - posted on 10/23/2012

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I do not think this is acceptable and you guys need to talk.

I would also not do anything in the house, or very little at least. You should discuss the chores in the house and stick to it. He needs to change and start being responsible.

I don't like the weed and the alcohol. He is altered at those points, and it is in fact addictions. And many times it starts with just a little bit and then it becomes out of control. You don't need that for you or for your kids. He needs to get help and stop that. If it means to stop the band, then that's too bad.

I am sorry, I don't see anything easy in the future. You are up for a long trip. But if you do the right things, and you know what is right from your heart, you are going to be better in the long run.

Good luck.

Chasmodai - posted on 10/23/2012

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Chelsea, when you said, "In my opinion if your the main income earner your calling the shots."

I have to respectfully disagree. I believe that when two people are married, all decisions, financial and otherwise, are consensual. If one spouse is staying home, it's because they both agree that it's for the best in their shared goals. I can think of lots of reasons that a married couple might decide that one of them should be spending his or her time doing something other than earning an income. Could be to get a degree, to become a famous musical artist, or write a novel.



When it comes to income, it belongs to both partners regardless of who earns it. However, that doesn't mean that it's okay for one spouse to be irresponsible with the money. It would be the same if it were a woman who was doing something other than earning an income. The husband isn't calling all the shots because he's the wage earner in the household. They agree on the budget and how the household income is spent, but this doesn't mean that it's right for the wife to go to the mall and spend it all.

Chelsea - posted on 10/23/2012

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My partner is also in a band but he is very responsible and doesn't buy into that 'band scene' and I am so thankful for that.

I can relate to your situation as that was what it was like with my ex (thankfully there were no kids involved) but one day after he lost another job and bought more weed with my money I snapped and ended it.

I understand that having kids it is more difficult than just 'ending it' so my suggestion to you is that he straightens up and puts his family first... In my opinion if your the main income earner your calling the shots. He should be thankful that your trying to do it all and help you out more. Seriously, how much of a release can he need when he only works part time, sees his kids part time and does no housework? I suggest counselling for you both and separately as he needs to see what he is doing is wrong and begin to rid ways to change this immature behaviour. You also need to get the tools to help you stop enabling him.

Honestly, his mother should have nothing to do with your relationship or any others for that fact. Her opinion is irrelevant.

Focus on your daughter and to an extent your step kids (I don't know how often you'll see them but try to plan active and fun opportunities for you all as a family and for just him and the older kids- help them reconnect).

He doesn't need an escape from life or you or his family. There's obviously a more deep seeded issue that he may be trying to mask with drug use.

Maybe tell him that you want him to seek professional help for addiction.



I'm sorry your going through this. Hopefully you can take some time for yourself soon, maybe take you and your daughter to go get your toe nails done? Nice bonding experience for you.... I took my daughter on her second birthday and she loved it!

Barbara - posted on 10/23/2012

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Yes you do need support however it sounds like you will never get support from him. You are not being unreasonable but any stretch of the imagination. You have 2 kids right now and one of them better grow up and become a parent or you should find another. You need a good parent to help out and not another child.

Gillian - posted on 10/21/2012

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Thanks guys. I'm ok with the weed as long as its outside the family home. Don't want kids to see. At that time we were in financially a bad way. We always had trust so finding out he'd been deceitful was hurtful yes and did add to my stress. I'm gonna take a step back and rethink things. My dd is my priority and this situation must be affecting her.

Gillian - posted on 10/21/2012

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I told him an hour earlier than I needed and was right to. He was an hour late.

Deena - posted on 10/21/2012

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He needs to stop the weed. It is a bad example for the kids. When he left this morning I would have reminded him when you need to leave for work so he will hopefully come back by then.

Gillian - posted on 10/21/2012

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Just an update. Husband left at half seven this morning leaving me with dd and both step kids ( who are great kids ) to go off and do a band activity despite knowing I'm on nights tonight and all week. Been 5 hours now and no sign of him. He didn't have his full rent money ( all he contributes I pay over a thousand pounds in bills every month myself ) but had weed and cash to go off and have ' a photo taken ' today. I'm so mad I could punch him. I'm losing respect for him so much.

Gillian - posted on 10/20/2012

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Hi Amy yes he is her dad. He's actually changed into this lol. When we met he was not in a band and was very happy not being. His first wife and mum to his first two kids had kicked him out 5 months before I met him, he was in a band then. He can be immature. His mum is wonderful but thinks he is a special gifted man and all his previous serious partners have been evil and didn't deserve him and that's why they dumped him so he does believe this

Amy - posted on 10/20/2012

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First of all don't give him an ultimatum unless you are going to follow through, if you aren't going to follow through it means absolutely nothing! Is he the 2 year olds father? If so I'd be pulling your daughter out and telling my husband that he would be caring for her since his work is so sporadic. Your husband seems very immature, he has a family now and needs to help support him but I am wondering if this is new or it just bothers you now because you realize he's not changing from when he was single.

Gillian - posted on 10/20/2012

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Thanks. I have had it out with him before, he just throws him " having to watch our dd so I can work " in my face. He claims he needs his band as its his escape from everything. I feel so far down his list of priorities and I'm getting over him without us even being split. Thank you for answering, I feel better having support already! Nice to hear I'm not being unreasonable as its all I hear.

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2012

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Sounds like he is emotionally a teenager. Give him ultamatum--get clean and start being an active parent and partner or you will divorce him. Be very descritptive abou what this means for you: be specific about chores, parenting responsibilities, and what romantic behaviors you xpect from him. Then stick to your guns. He will either get it together or allow you to move on and eventually find an apropriate mate.

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