At what age should you speak to your child about sex and feelings?

Krista - posted on 06/09/2011

This post is well over a year old, so I figure that the OP has probably figured out what to do by now. Thanks everybody, for your contributions.

Krista
WTCOM Moderator

Marlene - posted on 06/09/2011

well you son is being honest about what feels good so have to respect that.. why not just say well that is something done in private and not in front of people?

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Rachel:

Quoting Jen:

With all the above books, just note that they teach children all aspects of sex education. What masturbation is, homosexuality, and some even mention abortion. It does not take sides on any matter - just gives facts so children and parents can talk it over. Please read through it first before going over them with your kids. I have found most colonservative parents describe these books as "disgusting" where more liberal parents LOVE them. They are blunt, have drawings, and give honest and unbiased information.

I work with teenage mothers and many have seen these books in my office. Almost all of them grab to flip through while they are waiting for me and they always say "Man, if I had know this when I was younger...." One 15 year old I counsel has already brought "It's Perfectly Normal" for when her 2 year old reaches purberty,

Thank you Jen for the info on the books!!  Much appreciated!  I will definitely check them out and keep your advice in mind.  I am one of those more liberal parents, so I am pretty sure I will love them too!! 

I commend you for working with young mothers.  I am sure it is a tough, yet rewarding, job! 

Thanks again!! 

Rachel

Rachel,

You are very welcome.  Glad I can help in any way.  

My job is extremely hard, but you are right - very rewarding.  It's so hard to have a 12 year old girl come to my office because she is pregnant and is afraid to tell her parents.  I always hear the same stories.  Either that their parents have never talked to them about it and they had no idea about sex except what they heard at school, or that they are from a very religious family and have only ever been told that they have to wait for marriage.  I don't advocate sex before marriage to the children I talk to (although I have always believed in taking a car for a test drive before you buy), but I believe parents who don't at least explain the basics and the consequences are asking for trouble.

Kate - posted on 02/13/2009

Wow what a great subject and what great responses. I have two girls 6 and 18 mos. My 6 yr. old is just starting to realize that stimulation feels good. I told her that it's ok to touch your body  but to do so in private. I was 10 when I first realized and 8 when my mom gave me the talk and also took out the book "Our Bodies Our Selves" great reference for anything female. I plan to be open and honest with my children about this subject and I am thankful for this site and for all of you wonderful mom's to get great help from.

Cathy - posted on 02/13/2009

It's a boy thing, I would not worry about it too much, unless there is a chance that he has been touched by someone else. As for sex, he is far too young, rather wait until he is about 12 or 13. I always left it to my kids to come and ask me when they are ready to learn about it. I simply told them that when they felt they were ready to know about sex that they were to come and ask me, not their friends, coz the friends think they know but actually they know nothing. I told them that when they are ready I will give them the whole run down of it all. Which I did, when my daughter started menstrating, i said to her that now if she had to have sex she would get pregnant, and that is when she said to me, "mum I think it is time for you tell me all about sex". It is then that you tell them everything and not lie about some things like the stork brings the baby.

It is good to have an open relationship with your children and there is no need to be embarrased about it. It is also a good thing to let them know that sex is a beautiful thing but only for married couples. good luck

Erica - posted on 02/13/2009

My mother told me about sex as soon as I started to ask (around 5 or 6). (What sparked the questions for me wasn't interest in boys, rather, it was curiosity about periods.) As far as him touching himself, I think it's a natural self-interest that all children go through at some point in life. I think that I would just explain that it shouldn't be done in front of other people (that it's private).

Rachel - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Jen:

With all the above books, just note that they teach children all aspects of sex education. What masturbation is, homosexuality, and some even mention abortion. It does not take sides on any matter - just gives facts so children and parents can talk it over. Please read through it first before going over them with your kids. I have found most colonservative parents describe these books as "disgusting" where more liberal parents LOVE them. They are blunt, have drawings, and give honest and unbiased information.

I work with teenage mothers and many have seen these books in my office. Almost all of them grab to flip through while they are waiting for me and they always say "Man, if I had know this when I was younger...." One 15 year old I counsel has already brought "It's Perfectly Normal" for when her 2 year old reaches purberty,

Thank you Jen for the info on the books!!  Much appreciated!  I will definitely check them out and keep your advice in mind.  I am one of those more liberal parents, so I am pretty sure I will love them too!! 

I commend you for working with young mothers.  I am sure it is a tough, yet rewarding, job! 

Thanks again!! 

Rachel

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

sorry for writting so much on this topic but i, like most of us, feel some embarrassment when i think about talking to my son when he's of age... as comfortable as i am talking to adults about it it's another thing talking to ur children about it because of the taboos we felt talking to our own parents about it... but the more we talk about it, the more comfortable of a conversation we make it the less struggles our children will have with it and not only with topics of 'sex' but relationships with the opposite sex in general... i want to be prepared for what i will talk to my son about as he comes of age

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

see the thing about comparing maturbation to candy is... candy is proven not to be good for u... like u said... ok in moderation but too much is a bad thing... i dont believe it's been proven the same for masturbation... masturbation really has no bad consequences... i mean... i imagine ppl who have sex addiction may masturbate so much that they might miss a day of work to stay home and do it... but i dont think that's the case for most ppl... let's keep in mind masturbation is not the same thing as having sex

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

gen, i'm not trying to make you out to be ignorant or stupid but treating sex as a taboo is what gets us into trouble "not talking about it" or "not engaging or restraining* onself leads to pent up sexual aggression... im not saying it's ok to go out and engage in sex with other ppl as often as we feel like! because that can lead to dangers like stds or unwanted pregnancy... masturbation is a way to release these tensions so u are less likely to go out and engage in casual sex... and im pretty sure everyone can agree that appetite is based on the individual... so like i said... who are we to judge what is too often? how would you even know? and if there's no harm in it what's wrong with it? there is absolutely no harm in masturbation... but harm can come from engaging in sex... see there's a big difference... there's nothing wrong with teaching ur children that difference... and if you let the tension out *by ur own hand* ur less likely to need to go to someone else for it... or for some individuals to go out and force others to engage..

Geneviève - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Angie:

Quoting Jennifer:

angie... he wont grow hair on his palms from doing it too often lol! and im pretty sure it wont fall off either!!! the myths of masturbation have long been disproven... there's nothing dangerous and it wont make him grow up to be a pervert if he choses to do it 'often'... infact, once a lot of the mystery of it is taken away he might find it less appealing... as long as he knows 'where' and 'when' are appropriate times to do it, it's his body and he can do it as often as he feels like doing it...

Jennifer, as much you would like to make me appear ignorant and stupid, I want you to know that I'm not.  Our society has decided that everything that feels good IS good.  That's not always the case.  Our country is in a mess now because some did not learn about restraint - and not just sexual restraint. 

Maybe this is just a misunderstanding...

Angie, I understand your opinion, being that every action taken (even sexual ones) in life have to be understood in context therefore, it is important to teach responsability and consequences in all actions, sex included.

My daughter likes candies, but she has to understand that this pleasure comes with consequences and responsabilities... (Not eating to much and brushing her teath..)

Maybe because it can often happen that people have misconceptions about this subject, your comment was interpreted in that way.

Gen

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

With all the above books, just note that they teach children all aspects of sex education. What masturbation is, homosexuality, and some even mention abortion. It does not take sides on any matter - just gives facts so children and parents can talk it over. Please read through it first before going over them with your kids. I have found most colonservative parents describe these books as "disgusting" where more liberal parents LOVE them. They are blunt, have drawings, and give honest and unbiased information.

I work with teenage mothers and many have seen these books in my office. Almost all of them grab to flip through while they are waiting for me and they always say "Man, if I had know this when I was younger...." One 15 year old I counsel has already brought "It's Perfectly Normal" for when her 2 year old reaches purberty,

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Rachel:

Quoting Jen:

Quoting Kimberly:

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had small talks with him before about what he already knows. He tells me that he knows what sex is, but when asked he said it's when a boy and girl kiss and touch each other. I coud tell that he was very embarassed by the subject. He kept smiling, giggling, and speaking very softly. I told my husband that he really needs to talk to him because he's exploring and embarassed to talk to me. My husband was never educated on anything about sex at home. He discovered everything out on his own and I don't want my son to do the same. My parents were very open with the subject if you had a direct question, but still never really sat down and addressed the matter directly themselves.
He has been going into his room more and locking the door so he does get some private time. I just wanted some other opinions so when I talk to my husband again about this subject I can tell him that I do have other opinions that the subject needs to be discussed sooner than later.

I know I mentioned books for your son to read, but there are also great book for parents on how to talk with your children.  Maybe your husband should look into one since he has no experience with teaching sex in the home.  

Jen, my daughter is 9.  Do you know if that "A Doctor Talks to 9-12 year Olds" is still around?  Do you know of any other good ones for children her age?  And do you know of any names of the good ones for parents to talk to their children about sex and their body?  With all that has been going on with my daughter at school lately, I think it would be a good idea for my husband and I to get a little more educated in the subject as well because I have a feeling there is going to be a lot more issues we have to deal with in the future and would like to be a little more prepared then what we were for the last one.  Thanks for any advice!  Rachel

 

I think it's out of print, but I see it on Amazon used once in a while.  Dr. Caroline Weiss is the author.  It was from the 1980's, so it's hard to find.  

My sister uses this book with her children:

http://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-About-S-...

I also recommend these:

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-Down-T...

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Norm...

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Big-Secret-T...

Hope that helps!

Hope that helps

Kim - posted on 02/13/2009

He definitely knows what is and is not inappropriate touching. He also knows that he is not allowed to touch anyone inappropriately. He does feel very comfortable talking to me about other subjects such as drugs. We had a lengthy talk about drugs and he had a lot of questions to ask and was freely tellingme what he'd do if he was offered drugs. I just think that he knows I don't have his same parts so he'd feel more comfortable with his dad talking to him. I really want my husband to talk to him soon though because he is in the Navy and I don't want to have to do it alone while he is deployed.

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Rachel:

Quoting Jen:

Quoting Kimberly:

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had small talks with him before about what he already knows. He tells me that he knows what sex is, but when asked he said it's when a boy and girl kiss and touch each other. I coud tell that he was very embarassed by the subject. He kept smiling, giggling, and speaking very softly. I told my husband that he really needs to talk to him because he's exploring and embarassed to talk to me. My husband was never educated on anything about sex at home. He discovered everything out on his own and I don't want my son to do the same. My parents were very open with the subject if you had a direct question, but still never really sat down and addressed the matter directly themselves.
He has been going into his room more and locking the door so he does get some private time. I just wanted some other opinions so when I talk to my husband again about this subject I can tell him that I do have other opinions that the subject needs to be discussed sooner than later.

I know I mentioned books for your son to read, but there are also great book for parents on how to talk with your children.  Maybe your husband should look into one since he has no experience with teaching sex in the home.  

Jen, my daughter is 9.  Do you know if that "A Doctor Talks to 9-12 year Olds" is still around?  Do you know of any other good ones for children her age?  And do you know of any names of the good ones for parents to talk to their children about sex and their body?  With all that has been going on with my daughter at school lately, I think it would be a good idea for my husband and I to get a little more educated in the subject as well because I have a feeling there is going to be a lot more issues we have to deal with in the future and would like to be a little more prepared then what we were for the last one.  Thanks for any advice!  Rachel

 

I think it's out of print, but I see it on Amazon used once in a while.  Dr. Caroline Weiss is the author.  It was from the 1980's, so it's hard to find.  

My sister uses this book with her children:

http://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-About-S-...

I also recommend these:

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-Down-T...

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Norm...

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Big-Secret-T...

Hope that helps!

Hope that helps

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Rachel:

Quoting Jen:

Quoting Kimberly:

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had small talks with him before about what he already knows. He tells me that he knows what sex is, but when asked he said it's when a boy and girl kiss and touch each other. I coud tell that he was very embarassed by the subject. He kept smiling, giggling, and speaking very softly. I told my husband that he really needs to talk to him because he's exploring and embarassed to talk to me. My husband was never educated on anything about sex at home. He discovered everything out on his own and I don't want my son to do the same. My parents were very open with the subject if you had a direct question, but still never really sat down and addressed the matter directly themselves.
He has been going into his room more and locking the door so he does get some private time. I just wanted some other opinions so when I talk to my husband again about this subject I can tell him that I do have other opinions that the subject needs to be discussed sooner than later.

I know I mentioned books for your son to read, but there are also great book for parents on how to talk with your children.  Maybe your husband should look into one since he has no experience with teaching sex in the home.  

Jen, my daughter is 9.  Do you know if that "A Doctor Talks to 9-12 year Olds" is still around?  Do you know of any other good ones for children her age?  And do you know of any names of the good ones for parents to talk to their children about sex and their body?  With all that has been going on with my daughter at school lately, I think it would be a good idea for my husband and I to get a little more educated in the subject as well because I have a feeling there is going to be a lot more issues we have to deal with in the future and would like to be a little more prepared then what we were for the last one.  Thanks for any advice!  Rachel

 

I think it's out of print, but I see it on Amazon used once in a while.  Dr. Caroline Weiss is the author.  It was from the 1980's, so it's hard to find.  

My sister uses this book with her children:

http://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-About-S-...

I also recommend these:

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-Down-T...

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Norm...

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Big-Secret-T...

Hope that helps!

Hope that helps

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Rachel:

Quoting Jen:

Quoting Kimberly:

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had small talks with him before about what he already knows. He tells me that he knows what sex is, but when asked he said it's when a boy and girl kiss and touch each other. I coud tell that he was very embarassed by the subject. He kept smiling, giggling, and speaking very softly. I told my husband that he really needs to talk to him because he's exploring and embarassed to talk to me. My husband was never educated on anything about sex at home. He discovered everything out on his own and I don't want my son to do the same. My parents were very open with the subject if you had a direct question, but still never really sat down and addressed the matter directly themselves.
He has been going into his room more and locking the door so he does get some private time. I just wanted some other opinions so when I talk to my husband again about this subject I can tell him that I do have other opinions that the subject needs to be discussed sooner than later.

I know I mentioned books for your son to read, but there are also great book for parents on how to talk with your children.  Maybe your husband should look into one since he has no experience with teaching sex in the home.  

Jen, my daughter is 9.  Do you know if that "A Doctor Talks to 9-12 year Olds" is still around?  Do you know of any other good ones for children her age?  And do you know of any names of the good ones for parents to talk to their children about sex and their body?  With all that has been going on with my daughter at school lately, I think it would be a good idea for my husband and I to get a little more educated in the subject as well because I have a feeling there is going to be a lot more issues we have to deal with in the future and would like to be a little more prepared then what we were for the last one.  Thanks for any advice!  Rachel

 

I think it's out of print, but I see it on Amazon used once in a while.  Dr. Caroline Weiss is the author.  It was from the 1980's, so it's hard to find.  

My sister uses this book with her children:

http://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-About-S-...

I also recommend these:

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-Down-T...

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Norm...

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Big-Secret-T...

Hope that helps!

Hope that helps

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Rachel:

Quoting Jen:

Quoting Kimberly:

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had small talks with him before about what he already knows. He tells me that he knows what sex is, but when asked he said it's when a boy and girl kiss and touch each other. I coud tell that he was very embarassed by the subject. He kept smiling, giggling, and speaking very softly. I told my husband that he really needs to talk to him because he's exploring and embarassed to talk to me. My husband was never educated on anything about sex at home. He discovered everything out on his own and I don't want my son to do the same. My parents were very open with the subject if you had a direct question, but still never really sat down and addressed the matter directly themselves.
He has been going into his room more and locking the door so he does get some private time. I just wanted some other opinions so when I talk to my husband again about this subject I can tell him that I do have other opinions that the subject needs to be discussed sooner than later.

I know I mentioned books for your son to read, but there are also great book for parents on how to talk with your children.  Maybe your husband should look into one since he has no experience with teaching sex in the home.  

Jen, my daughter is 9.  Do you know if that "A Doctor Talks to 9-12 year Olds" is still around?  Do you know of any other good ones for children her age?  And do you know of any names of the good ones for parents to talk to their children about sex and their body?  With all that has been going on with my daughter at school lately, I think it would be a good idea for my husband and I to get a little more educated in the subject as well because I have a feeling there is going to be a lot more issues we have to deal with in the future and would like to be a little more prepared then what we were for the last one.  Thanks for any advice!  Rachel

 

I think it's out of print, but I see it on Amazon used once in a while.  Dr. Caroline Weiss is the author.  It was from the 1980's, so it's hard to find.  

My sister uses this book with her children:

http://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-About-S-...

I also recommend these:

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-Down-T...

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Norm...

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Big-Secret-T...

Hope that helps!

Hope that helps

Angie - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Jennifer:

angie... he wont grow hair on his palms from doing it too often lol! and im pretty sure it wont fall off either!!! the myths of masturbation have long been disproven... there's nothing dangerous and it wont make him grow up to be a pervert if he choses to do it 'often'... infact, once a lot of the mystery of it is taken away he might find it less appealing... as long as he knows 'where' and 'when' are appropriate times to do it, it's his body and he can do it as often as he feels like doing it...

Jennifer, as much you would like to make me appear ignorant and stupid, I want you to know that I'm not.  Our society has decided that everything that feels good IS good.  That's not always the case.  Our country is in a mess now because some did not learn about restraint - and not just sexual restraint. 

Geneviève - posted on 02/13/2009

Same request here Jen... idem reasons..

Rachel - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Jen:

Quoting Kimberly:

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had small talks with him before about what he already knows. He tells me that he knows what sex is, but when asked he said it's when a boy and girl kiss and touch each other. I coud tell that he was very embarassed by the subject. He kept smiling, giggling, and speaking very softly. I told my husband that he really needs to talk to him because he's exploring and embarassed to talk to me. My husband was never educated on anything about sex at home. He discovered everything out on his own and I don't want my son to do the same. My parents were very open with the subject if you had a direct question, but still never really sat down and addressed the matter directly themselves.
He has been going into his room more and locking the door so he does get some private time. I just wanted some other opinions so when I talk to my husband again about this subject I can tell him that I do have other opinions that the subject needs to be discussed sooner than later.

I know I mentioned books for your son to read, but there are also great book for parents on how to talk with your children.  Maybe your husband should look into one since he has no experience with teaching sex in the home.  

Jen, my daughter is 9.  Do you know if that "A Doctor Talks to 9-12 year Olds" is still around?  Do you know of any other good ones for children her age?  And do you know of any names of the good ones for parents to talk to their children about sex and their body?  With all that has been going on with my daughter at school lately, I think it would be a good idea for my husband and I to get a little more educated in the subject as well because I have a feeling there is going to be a lot more issues we have to deal with in the future and would like to be a little more prepared then what we were for the last one.  Thanks for any advice!  Rachel

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Kimberly:

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had small talks with him before about what he already knows. He tells me that he knows what sex is, but when asked he said it's when a boy and girl kiss and touch each other. I coud tell that he was very embarassed by the subject. He kept smiling, giggling, and speaking very softly. I told my husband that he really needs to talk to him because he's exploring and embarassed to talk to me. My husband was never educated on anything about sex at home. He discovered everything out on his own and I don't want my son to do the same. My parents were very open with the subject if you had a direct question, but still never really sat down and addressed the matter directly themselves.
He has been going into his room more and locking the door so he does get some private time. I just wanted some other opinions so when I talk to my husband again about this subject I can tell him that I do have other opinions that the subject needs to be discussed sooner than later.

I know I mentioned books for your son to read, but there are also great book for parents on how to talk with your children.  Maybe your husband should look into one since he has no experience with teaching sex in the home.  

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

the more conversations u have with the more comfortable you will feel about talking to him about it and the more comfortable he will feel talking to you about it... if all he knows right now is sex = kissing and touching i think that's a good way of an 8 year old to understand and fine for now... as long as u keep talking to him about it u will find out when he is ready to understand more... and like most ppl have said so on here deal with it when it come up but keep the conversatons on going

Kim - posted on 02/13/2009

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had small talks with him before about what he already knows. He tells me that he knows what sex is, but when asked he said it's when a boy and girl kiss and touch each other. I coud tell that he was very embarassed by the subject. He kept smiling, giggling, and speaking very softly. I told my husband that he really needs to talk to him because he's exploring and embarassed to talk to me. My husband was never educated on anything about sex at home. He discovered everything out on his own and I don't want my son to do the same. My parents were very open with the subject if you had a direct question, but still never really sat down and addressed the matter directly themselves.

He has been going into his room more and locking the door so he does get some private time. I just wanted some other opinions so when I talk to my husband again about this subject I can tell him that I do have other opinions that the subject needs to be discussed sooner than later.

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

sorry.... "makes him feel uncomfortable or makes *someone* else feel uncomfortable" (lol im bad with typos)

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

keep in mind to teach him that it is *never* appropriate to touch neone else in neway if they dont want to be touched and no one is to touch him in neway if it makes him feel uncomfortable (even if it's just a pat on the back) we all have the right not to be touched if we dont want to... our bodies are *ours* and no one has the right to be intrusive... make sure u teach him "appropriate" touching and "inappropriate" touching... make a clear, defined difference between the two and help him to understand and that *any* kind of touching (even a hug) that makes him feel unfortable or makes something else feel unfortable is not acceptable

Geneviève - posted on 02/13/2009

Having your answer helps me a lot Rachel, it also sadden's me I just hope this wouldn't have to happen in order to people to notice the importance of education.

Rachel - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Geneviève:

Well I just always reacted when things happen. If he is old enough to like touching himself, he is old enough to lurn the rules of society regarding this behavior.

We are responsable of educating our children even if we dont like that we have to do it so early.

If you tell him not to do it, do you beleive he will stop? I dont.. like he said, it feels good.

You shoud educate him on a sexuality that is respectful of himself and others, when the situation presents itself. You dont have to say more than what is needed with the situation (no need to get im confused) But he should be educated on the things he is currently experiencing.

For example, in the current situation: sexuality is a personal thing. It is usualy not done in public. If he absolutely feels he wants to touch himself, he should do it in private so he respects others (You also have to respect that privacy..)

When he will think about and/or want to include someone else, he should be taught that sexual taughts are normal, that sexuality with a partner is a pleasing experience but also has consequences and responsabilities. That young men and women his age are not totaly physicaly ready yet. That they also have to be emotionaly ready to understand and relate to the emotions that come with sexual relations. You should talk about respecting others and himself, not letting others do thing to him he does not feel confortable with AND not to push others into doing things they do not feel confortable with.

If he feels the needs, my opinion is that it is better to educate. Just forbidding the behaviour is taking the risk he will still do it AND not understand the implications of is actions.

This subject is very personal to me because of my daughter.

She was not even in school yet and a courious little boy dit things to her. I know it is normal for children to compare at this age but his curiousity was not "directed" properly by the parents. He was told to stop talking about that, he was not educated and his questions were not answered. He took it upon himself to find the answers. Since my daughter was not yet curious about these thing, I had not talked about it with her in detail. She is now 10 and feels like she was molested by that little boy. I am completely devastated by that.
I really think that forbidding a thing or making a thing taboo will not stop it from being there we shoud educate and make children understand what they need to understand at the time that the situation presents itself.

Can't help myself asking you to be responsable about it and get your personal emotions aside for your child.

I can sympathize with Genevieve in the fact that my 9-year-old daughter is going through the same as her daughter did.  A couple of school boys have been after her and one touched her chest and just recently has been talking about doing sexual things with her.  This boy has since been moved to a different class and the situation has been handled, but the whole thing just made me uncomfortable and my daughter way uncomfortable.  I don't really know who to blame in the situation because the boy is definitely old enough to know better, yet I don't know what kind of parenting is going on at home either??  I felt bad for all involved.  What has come out of it though is that we have had quite a few talks with our daughter about sexuality and her body and she knows she can come to us and not be embarassed by it.  

So to Kim, yes, I think children definitely, at this age, are very curious about their bodies and the opposite sex's bodies, and when they start showing interest definitely need to be talked to about what is the proper things to be doing and saying and definitely don't make them feel bad about their curiosity.  So, if your child is curious, just make sure you make it very clear to him where and when and what is expected of him.   Good luck to you!  Rachel

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

besides who are we to know or judge what is *too* often?

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

angie... he wont grow hair on his palms from doing it too often lol! and im pretty sure it wont fall off either!!! the myths of masturbation have long been disproven... there's nothing dangerous and it wont make him grow up to be a pervert if he choses to do it 'often'... infact, once a lot of the mystery of it is taken away he might find it less appealing... as long as he knows 'where' and 'when' are appropriate times to do it, it's his body and he can do it as often as he feels like doing it...

Angie - posted on 02/13/2009

I think it's best to follow your child's lead and talk when they are ready. I also think this is a great time to remind a child that just because something feels good doesn't mean it has to be done all the time. It's a great way to start to teach restraint. I think in our society we've gotten to a point that everything is always okay............

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

a great idea is to give him a special sign he can hang on his door when he wants privacy... not just for sexual exploration but for when he just wants his 'private' or 'alone' time... at 8 years old kids start to want their own privacy and by the time he's a teenager he will definitely want his more privacy... it's their way of learning to be their own person and become independant... just explain to him it's for ne time he just wants to be alone that way u dont have ne embarrassing accidental intrusions!!!!

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

as for what faye says... im sorry to say but by 8 yrs old kids know already not to do it in public and he will be way farther ahead in his education on the subject... at 8 he already probably knows it is something sexual... with television and other media kids know far more about sex than we did when we were kids... which brings up a another terrible problem if we dont talk to our kids about sex the media will teach them and we all know that they have some terrrrrrible messages about sex : / i mean look at britney spears, bratz... etc. i see 8 year old girls nowadays wearing make up and dressing like their fav pop star... that didn't happen until 12 for my generation (im 26 now) and my mother's generations girls didn't start wearing make up and consciosly dressing more sexual until they were 16... we as parents have to start instilling appropriate sexual behaviour in our kids as early as possible before the media gets them : /

Geneviève - posted on 02/13/2009

Well I just always reacted when things happen. If he is old enough to like touching himself, he is old enough to lurn the rules of society regarding this behavior.



We are responsable of educating our children even if we dont like that we have to do it so early.



If you tell him not to do it, do you beleive he will stop? I dont.. like he said, it feels good.



You shoud educate him on a sexuality that is respectful of himself and others, when the situation presents itself. You dont have to say more than what is needed with the situation (no need to get im confused) But he should be educated on the things he is currently experiencing.



For example, in the current situation: sexuality is a personal thing. It is usualy not done in public. If he absolutely feels he wants to touch himself, he should do it in private so he respects others (You also have to respect that privacy..)



When he will think about and/or want to include someone else, he should be taught that sexual taughts are normal, that sexuality with a partner is a pleasing experience but also has consequences and responsabilities. That young men and women his age are not totaly physicaly ready yet. That they also have to be emotionaly ready to understand and relate to the emotions that come with sexual relations. You should talk about respecting others and himself, not letting others do thing to him he does not feel confortable with AND not to push others into doing things they do not feel confortable with.



If he feels the needs, my opinion is that it is better to educate. Just forbidding the behaviour is taking the risk he will still do it AND not understand the implications of is actions.



This subject is very personal to me because of my daughter.



She was not even in school yet and a courious little boy dit things to her. I know it is normal for children to compare at this age but his curiousity was not "directed" properly by the parents. He was told to stop talking about that, he was not educated and his questions were not answered. He took it upon himself to find the answers. Since my daughter was not yet curious about these thing, I had not talked about it with her in detail. She is now 10 and feels like she was molested by that little boy. I am completely devastated by that.

I really think that forbidding a thing or making a thing taboo will not stop it from being there we shoud educate and make children understand what they need to understand at the time that the situation presents itself.



Can't help myself asking you to be responsable about it and get your personal emotions aside for your child.

Jenni - posted on 02/13/2009

it has been documented that baby boys in the womb get erections! we are born sexual beings. my son is 7 months old and has been pulling on his genitals for 2 months now... because it feels good of course! i plan on talking to him about sex throughout his life... letting him know when he's old enough to understand (2-3 yrs) that it's ok to touch himself there but we do it in private (not in front of ppl) as long as the conversation is age appropriate... getting him use to talking about his body at an early age, i believe, will take the mystery out of it, and prevent him from feeling like it is wrong or dirty... plus it will make future conversations concerning sex far easier... i want him to feel he can (or if i have a daughter, the same thing) come to me about topics of sex that way i will beable to teach him good habits about safe sex when he is older, i believe kids that dont feel comfortable about their sexuality or are made to feel like it's 'wrong' or something 'we dont talk about' are less likely to talk to you about it when they're teenagers and faced with sexual decisions... wouldn't you feel a lot better if you can be the one to teach him safe practices or other things you feel are important to know about sex... he'll learn it somewhere! better to be from you than off the street or worse trying to learn for himself by practicing it too young!!! just think about what u feel an 8 year old should know about it... ask him questions about what he knows about it... u maybe surprised by what he knows already from kids at school...make the conversation fun and just like ne other conversation u would have with him so he doesn't feel embarrassed... and teach him the things you and ur husband feel are appropriate behaviours when it comes to sex... i dont think it's ever to young to start talking to a child about sex as long as it's age appropriate

Faye - posted on 02/13/2009

If it was me I would explain to him that there is a right and a wrong place to do these things. Don't make him feel guilty or embarassed. He probably doesn't equate this as something sexual, only knows that it feels good. So maybe tell him that this is a private part and that this should be done in the privacy of him own room.

Gayle - posted on 02/13/2009

Lets just say he had a bad experience of his own involving an unlocked bathroom door and his mother with an armfull of freshly washed towels...

Angel - posted on 02/13/2009

When my kids started that I told them that it is something that needs to be done in the privacy of the bathroom or bedroom.

I then would use it as an opportunity to ask if anyone else touches them there and explain that only parents and doctors should touch there besides themselves.  And that these grown ups should only do it to help clean or look for injury. 

My son is very smart so that is all it took.  I don't remember with my daughter, 7 years between them.  I do remember that I snapped at Ashley to not do that.  She was probably about 4. 

It is very safe and nature for them to explore their bodies.

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

8 isn't too young. My husband says he started masturbating at 9. Little girl s rub up against cushions. It feels good no matter what age.
I would tell him that it is perfectly natural to explore his own body, but it should be done in private. Also, reassure him that if he has any questions, he can come to you or your husband. There are many books out there that are written for kids that lets them know about the changes their bodies will be going through. It may be less embarrassing for him to read that and get answers than coming to you. My mom gave me a book when I was growing up called "A Doctor Talks to 9-12 Year Olds" and it answered EVERY question I had but didn't want to ask. Once I read it, I was able to talk to my mom openly.

If he feels bad about touching himself, he may grow up feeling ashamed about doing something completely normal. You husband really should have "the talk" with him. And Gayle's husband is right....he's old enough to have some privacy, so I would always know before entering.

Michelle - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Patricia:

It can be very hard for parents to deal with this kind of stuff. MB is a very uncomfortable thing for alot of people. When my Mom gave me the "talk" MB never even entered the conversation. I always knew what it was but never really knew what to do..Well..not until MUCH later in life..Thanks to my husband and a conversatiom with my wedding photographer (long story...don't ask)... I think that parents should be very well educated around this subject...but when their own parents didn't know what to tell them ...what are they suppost to do?? 

You are absolutely right.  I was told MB was a sin and that only "dirty" people do that but as an adult I feel that I would rather my kids do that than be sexually active.  Kids are going to explore in whatever way they can and if they are shamed into thinking MB isn't normal then I personally think that they will become sexually active at a young age.  I believe we have so many young teen moms b/c of the lack of education on the subject at home. 

Patricia - posted on 02/13/2009

It can be very hard for parents to deal with this kind of stuff. MB is a very uncomfortable thing for alot of people. When my Mom gave me the "talk" MB never even entered the conversation. I always knew what it was but never really knew what to do..Well..not until MUCH later in life..Thanks to my husband and a conversatiom with my wedding photographer (long story...don't ask)... I think that parents should be very well educated around this subject...but when their own parents didn't know what to tell them ...what are they suppost to do?? 

Gayle - posted on 02/13/2009

I think that the better you know your own body the better for you heath wise. I guess I am more open about it because I was told NOTHING when I was a girl and that still bothers me. My cousin got her period when she was 13 and thought she was dying. I think being as open as posible and not bringing shame into it is the best way to go.

Christina - posted on 02/13/2009

I have an 8 year old and a 6 year old. They are both girls and they are both very curious about their bodies and the changes that are/will be happening. I was told to never touch myself and now I struggle with whether that is the right thing to tell my girls or not. I don't want them to have a phobia about their own bodies, but I'm not particularly comfortable with too much exploration either. I'm still not clear if it is "sinful" or not so I can't really make a statement in that area. I do make it clear that our bodies are sacred and private. I'd love to hear suggestions in that area. As for the discussions: my 8 year old has been asking questions for about two years and I tell her only as much as I think she needs to hear. She was more persistent than I ever imagined a 6 y.o. being, so I asked her in turn what she had heard. Just keep the conversations honest and open and you should be okay.

Michelle - posted on 02/13/2009

I have two daughters 7 and 9 and we had a talk about it when they were 8 and 6 b/c they kept asking me questions.  I didn't go into any explicit details I just answered their questions.  I was told that when kids begin to ask is when the time is right to talk about it.  It seems crazy but my parents didn't talk to me as a child and I found out through friends at school and began experimenting at 14.  I think if I had been educated about it at home then I would have not been so curious.

Gayle - posted on 02/13/2009

PS.. My husbands says that you need to start knocking on his door from now on..

Gayle - posted on 02/13/2009

It is never too young to talk with your child about his body. First off, NEVER make him feel as though he is doing something wrong or dirty. Explain that what he is feeling is perfectly normal and everyone has those feelings. Then tell him it is a private thing and he needs to do it alone and not in public. Be open and loving with him and it will help you with talking to him later on about more heavy subjects. Also, talk to your son's doctor, I'm sure he/she will have good advice too. By the way, let your hubby in on this..kids today move at a faster rate than we did and if he is talking about girls and touching himself, he is not too young!

Sherrita - posted on 02/13/2009

I have a 13 year old son and I've discovered that it depends upon the child.  When my son became curious he asked more direct questions and believe me it gets no easier.  But my main advice to you is find a good reason for him not to touch himself.  You know what works with your child and what doesn't.  But just saying stop makes them more curious.  I can't tell you exactly what to say to him because my son didn't start asking until he got to middle school.  But be honest as possible because they don't forget!