Baby 2 or not?

Peggy - posted on 01/24/2013 ( 17 moms have responded )

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How do you know if you are ready for the next baby plunge? I have a 3 year old. I wanted to wait until my daughter was old enough and out of diapers before baby 2. My husband and I are thinking about trying this year. His only concern is getting a bigger place since we only have a two bedroom apartment. He wants us to move before I become pregnant. So in the next couple months. We are looking into renting or buying... whichever works out. My only concern is not wanting to get up all night to feed the baby.

The other concern is money. I really thought we would be in a better place financially. We are both working full time, but childcare costs a lot that I'm basically working to pay the preschool (2 days a week), the babysitter (1 day a week) and the dental insurance I just started paying. (I was only able to go back to full time this past fall when my daughter was old enough for preschool.) We don't really have a ton of money and looking at the 3 bedrooms are making me nervous about affording them.

We do not get any type of financial assistance or help with bills. We don't have family close by to help. It's just us. My main question is is it selfish to knowingly get pregnant with a second baby in a two bedroom apartment. Like if I have the baby next March and we stay until next May or so? I feel like it would be selfish to just add another to the mix in that situation. A lot of people have been telling me otherwise. They say, "no it's not selfish." I just can't get rid of that feeling. I don't want to wait another year, though. I don't want my daughter to start kindergarten (which is when I'd be able to make more money and/or go back to school) just to have another baby to be back to square one.

I'm really torn. I know a lot of people have babies they can't afford and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be selfish and take what we could give to our daughter, either. But I also don't think I'm ready to let go of having another baby. I don't really want the kids to be more then 4 years apart. What advice do you mom's have for me? Thanks.

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Peggy - posted on 01/24/2013

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Ashley, I know lots of women raise two or more toddlers. Some by accident, some planned. Raising two toddlers isn't for me and I knew that. What's wrong with that? I'm not going to have a child sooner then I am ready just to keep their ages close.

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Amanda - posted on 02/11/2013

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Off topic I know but my brother and I are 5 years apart and we didn't drift apart until i started highschool. My friend talks about wanting to wait until he is ready to have kids. I told him you are never ready. You just kind of go with the flow. That being said I just had my second (12/18/12) and my 1st (10/19/10). She is a good helper. My situation is different since I work 3 days a week and my dad and stepmom watch the girls on thursday/friday and my husband watches them o saturday, his day off (yay teachers!). I had my oldest in the same room as us until she was about 4 months old then we moved out of our studio into a 2 bedroom. The whole time she didn't wake up from anything we did. My husband worked nights too. If they are used to noise the it won't bother them. right now at our house we have 4 barking dogs and one stomper kid. Good luck in your decision. Remember everyone is different. Kudos to you for staying at home its hard work. I tried and only lasted about a year before I went back. I missed it.

Amy America - posted on 02/06/2013

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Well, right now you're feeling selfish, but down the road, aren't you going to be feeling a lot of regret? I think the feeling of selfishness will go away. However, regret seems to stick around a lot longer. And yes, you would have a lot of more money if you're hubby didn't smoke, specially if he smokes a lot. Cigarettes are so expensive!

It sounds to me like you will be okay. Like I said before, do what is best for your family and just ask your friends and family for help. I think you're a great mom, you wouldn't feel selfish if you weren't so in-tuned with your family's needs. Money comes and goes ;)

Peggy - posted on 02/06/2013

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Thank you Amy. We don't really spend too much unnecessary money. Well mainly it is because my husband smokes. I keep telling him that we would have a lot more money if he didn't, but... My husband is really adamant about us moving before I get pregnant. I am up for a raise at work, so even though it isn't that much, I think it will help a little. I'm not too worried about money after the baby is born. Hopefully if I am able to breastfeed again, I'll be breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months, then after that I would try to make most of the baby food and add in regular food. My daughter ate "normal" food at around 8 months. Plus I do have friends that have lots of things for babies, if they plan not to have any more. I'm hoping to try to another few months... I just can't shake the feeling of being selfish.

Amy America - posted on 02/01/2013

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I have been having some concerns with having a 2nd baby...My first is barely a year old but I don't want my children to be too far apart 2-3 years. I was interviewing for full-time positions to go back to work, but hubby and I have made a decision for me to stay home for now. Your concerns aren't wrong and you're not being selfish either. Staying in your 2 bedroom for a little while is not a bad thing. Get a bassinet to put beside your bed for the few months you'll be at that apartment. Honestly, putting small children in the same room is not too bad for a little while.

What I would suggest is to tighten your belt for a little while budget-wise. Maybe make a list of things that your family needs month-to-month along with a budget. Put the wants in a separate list and see if you can afford your needs. If you can afford your needs for your current family and a new baby, then I say, go for it. Wants can be have at a later time.

Honestly, from the sounds of it, you're only going to be on a tight budget for a little while. I say go for it, but only if you are completely comfortable and sure. In the end, it's your decision. I was reading a similar question on here a few days ago. However, that mom was considering a 7th child. In that case, I would've given my opinion to say 'no'. In your case, I just think that is a matter of what you and your hubby want and the compromises you both have to make.

Good luck!

Peggy - posted on 01/28/2013

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Thank you Lillia. I don't think I would mind too much in the later years if they shared a bedroom, I'm more scared of right after the baby is born until he/she would sleep through the night. We didn't have our daughter share our bedroom at all. She went straight to her room. I'd be afraid that if the baby was in our room, then my husband would wake her while getting ready for work (he's not quiet) or if we just had the baby sleep in the living for awhile, then he would wake the baby on his way out. I guess babies do learn to sleep through noises. But I'm also afraid that my husband will wake more if the baby is in our room. And with the kind of job he has, he needs the sleep. He builds houses, so he walks on walls, drives the crane...

I'm just nervous. I feel like our daughter is enough, but then again, I think in a few years I'll regret it. I don't know how much (if anything) would change with us, financially, in a year, so that's why I feel like this year or not at all.

I guess we'll just have to talk about it. I just said to my husband the other day that there were only about 3 months left of me taking the pill, if we are still doing this.

Lilla - posted on 01/26/2013

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I have a 2 year old and I am so not ready for second baby yet. I actually agree with your body needing two years (my case is extreme and was advised to wait 3 years by my doctor). It is nice to see other responsible moms who think of finances before falling pregnant. I always get shot down when I mention I might not have another one, because we can hardly afford our first. Just like you, we have no financial help (this no one believes?!) and no family (not even friends) near us. I'm still a stay-at-home mom, because we can't afford me going back to work, if I did, it wouldn't even cover daycare. She goes to nursery twice a week for 2&1/2 hours (the place is 40min from us), so no free time for anything. I know so many people who cheat the system and claim so much benefits, I could never do that. (I'm talking about people with more income/money than us.)
I'm sorry I'm no help. I really hope your situation works itself out. And no, you are NOT selfish at all! Two bedroom can be fine for a family of 4 depending on the size of it. My friends decided to put the two kids in the bedrooms as both bedrooms are too small to share and moved their own bed into the living room, which is big enough to be sectioned into two. Growing up I share a bedroom with my brother, as it was big enough to accomodate both of us. In the place we rent atm, we couldn't do either, as it's a tiny two bedroom, so we would have to move if another baby was on the way.

September - posted on 01/24/2013

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Oh it's all good. I get called Summer a lot! :) There are actually plenty of families that have 2 children in a 2 bedroom home. I shared a room with my sister for many years growing up. It wasn't of any harm to either of us. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Peggy - posted on 01/24/2013

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I understand what you are saying, Summer. I do want a bigger place, because I just feel it is wrong to squeeze another person into our two bedroom. I just feel like if we don't do it this year, then I don't know if I want to. And yeah, I really don't want to get up for the feedings, but they are just pretty much a blur , anyhow and that eventually passes. Thank you ladies for the input so far.

September - posted on 01/24/2013

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Since you mention you don't want to get up at night to feed a baby and you're not in a good financial place to have another one, it sounds to me like you're not ready for a 2nd baby. If it's bigger place you're really hoping for before having more children I would tend to that first and wait to have another baby. We have a 4 year old son and I'm currently 4.5 months pregnant with our second. If I were you I wouldn’t worry about the age gap, as Ashley has pointed out and that sort of thing. I would personally be more concerned about being able to financially provide for two children as that seems to be a concern of yours.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/24/2013

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The only way you will know, is if you have one. I also waited til my first was out of diapers. That was the main thing for me. Finances will never be as perfect as you want it to be unless you are oober rich. You want another kid, have one. Your daughter will most likely love having a sibling.

Ashley - posted on 01/24/2013

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It isn't that hard to handle two toddlers or more at once, millions of women do it everyday

Peggy - posted on 01/24/2013

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I was also in nursing school and was taught that. A woman's body takes 2 years to fully recuperate from birthing. I'm not saying it's not right to get pregnant earlier and obviously lots of women do. I just knew that I could not take care of two toddlers. I wanted to give all I had to baby 1, then I figured by the time we had baby 2, our daughter would be in preschool a couple days a week, so I'd have alone time with the second baby. Not to start an argument or whatnot, but I don't think it is right to have kids close together just so they will get along and be close in age. It's right when you know as parents that you are ready to handle adding another child.

I would also rather just have some comments on my actual post, not about how close together siblings are.

Ashley - posted on 01/24/2013

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I never heard a doctor say you should wait two years before even trying to have a new baby. By that rationale, siblings would be close to 3 years apart at a minimum. That makes no sense.

Peggy - posted on 01/24/2013

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I understand, but that isn't really my main concern. I'm sure they will be close and my daughter will be a good helper. I didn't want to have the kids super close together, because I wanted to have a good gap of time just for my first. Also, I knew there was no way I could take care of two toddlers at the same time. And most doctors say that you should wait until two years before getting pregnant. I am more worried about the financial and selfish reasons.

Ashley - posted on 01/24/2013

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If your oldest is already 3 and will be close to 4 by the time your new baby is born that will be quite a gap already. Siblings typically only play with each other a good amount in childhood if they are close in age, usually 2 or 3 year difference at the most.

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