baby and new guys

Shelby - posted on 01/24/2013 ( 30 moms have responded )

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ok so i have a baby girl soon to be 1 and i am not and have not been with the dad for a while he isnt on the birth certificate and the guy i am seeing now he has a domestic assult against him but never convicted of it and it was almost a year ago and not with me or my child, he dad of my daughter is tryin to get custody can he say that my bf cant be around the baby?

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Jennifer - posted on 01/26/2013

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No one was telling 'you what you do'. If you were reading the comments with an open mind we were suggesting that a judge not SS would not care if she was in love with her boyfriend. It is about the child and all court is for the most part in custody battles are hearsay. So the fact that she is with a man who has been to jail for domestic violence and it has raised the concern of the father of the child, in the eyes of an unbiased judge he would see the father is only doing this because of the welfare of the child. We were suggesting if the father wanted too he could bring up a bunch of things that could work against her. Any lawyer would say the same thing.SS has rules to bide by and if they feel the need for investigation under accusation it is a legal obligation for them to look into it. Once again any lawyer would tell you that as well. Besides foster care has nothing to do with a custody battle. We're trying to tell her what the worst possible case could be. Every father has 50/50 rights over their children until proven not to have that responsibly. If the father wanted to he could go to her home and take the child until the police get a court order to remove the child from him. It looks horrible on his part but he could use the excuse that he felt his child was endangered. No one would want anyone going into this type of situation not knowing every possibility. By the way I am personally representing my boyfriend in court and filing all his proper paper work. I know how the court systems work and how men are now getting rewarded with their children because its 'unfair treatment' under the law of mothers have immediate rights.

Dove has a very good point. All suggestions are things that have a possibility and no woman was another to loose their child over something as minimal as another man. No one should put you in the position of custody of your child. I would never ever let some one put my daughter in jeopardy whether it be custody or her welfare.

Dove - posted on 01/26/2013

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Heather, your advice isn't reality in all cases.... My ex didn't see his kids for a year and a half and when we went to court... the ONLY reason he didn't get joint custody is because he lives too far away for that to be practical.

Joint custody is a very likely scenario in the op's case and if the ex has sufficient enough evidence that his child is in danger... full custody for the father IS possible. How likely it is depends a lot on the judge, the lawyers, and the evidence presented (for full custody... joint is 'typically' standard without good cause to rule against it).

Joyce - posted on 01/25/2013

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Does the father have an ulterior motive for seeking custody? Is he willing to pursue paternity testing? Is he looking to receive child support payments from you? There are many things to consider when one absent father is attempting to gain custody from the custodial mother. Yes, he can try this as a "reason" why the child shouldn't be in your care. He can try anything he can pay a lawyer to present.

However, my most signigicant question is this:
Why are you suffering from such low self esteem that you would have a baby with a man who is not willing to step up to the plate and care for this child with you. Also, why are you continuing to risk her welfare along with yours? Whether the boyfriend was convicted of assault or not should not figure into your future.... boyfriends injure, or kill babies all the time. You need to grow up, make better decisions for your child AND for yourself. Do what ever you have to to obtain some education and learn to value yourself as a person. Your child comes first. Your needs are secondary to hers.

Evelyn - posted on 01/24/2013

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That is not the point. The point is the father of your baby has a right to feel that his child is safe in every situation she is in. This is not about you. This is about the baby. Its about the fact this guy did have charges of this kind against him regardless of if he went to jail or not. Its about this guy having this set of charges and you not knowing the whole story but what he has told you. Your child's father knows nothing of this guy but what you have told him. He has every right to be very concerned.

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Justin - posted on 03/05/2013

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I do probono research for a lawyer:
If you think he's worth the trouble. Have his past court history sealed. The BF requires a lengthy process to even access them.

2nd the biological father has a paternal right to safety of the child. But you can make case to have his parental rights revoked. Your case is stronger/weaker depending on your trend of involvement with him and his involvement with the child.

3 it will be the call of the court for any of these. Id suggest working with a family lawyer if you think this guy is worth your time. And worth being the dad to your child.

Kristi - posted on 02/28/2013

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Every state is different. Every judge is different. Yes, paternity will have to be proven first. Fathers have been getting more and more rights over the past several years. Moms don't automatically get custody anymore. My case against my ex was cut and dry, or so we thought. My daughter even testified against him. I was awarded full legal and physical custody however, he was awarded 51/49 visitation, meaning he was supposed to be able to have her 49% of the time.

Let me just give you a few things that happened to give you an idea about how finicky judges can be. For starters, he's a felon, a non-violent offender, he was still smoking pot (lied about it), was driving on a suspended license for failure to pay child support to his first wife (lied about it and my bitch of an attorney didn't bother to pursue it before court), actually did get caught in several lies on the stand, we had proof that both sets of his next 2 wives had sexually exploited my daughter while under his (lack of) supervision, proof that he and his mother had been trying to alienate her from me and my family, proof of pyschological abuse and he was still awarded 49% visitation...THEN after he was ordered to pay $560 in child support he asked to terminate his rights, which I was all for and so was my daughter...the judge said no. Over my dead body was she going back there. Eventually, I agreed to give up child support if he agreed to let us move out of state and agreed never to contact us again. Done deal.

So never say never. Usually, as a general rule of thumb, abusers are like pedophiles...they don't change. I tend to agree with Karen...put it back in your pants, I don't know what they say to women. Take care of your daughter first, take of yourself first, at least for awhile.

Kay MableAnd - posted on 02/28/2013

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Oh poor dear! :(

Listen, do what you feel is right. Not one of us women on here know who your bf is and we therefore have no right nor can we judged him. If he wasn't convicted that means the mother didnt press charge. But my point is yes I see why the father is worried but ultimately you'll know how he really acts and can work from there. As far as how a man treats his mother is how he treats you that's not true. At least not always by personal experience. Hope this helps, good luck and keep your head up!

QUIONNA - posted on 01/28/2013

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OH NO UR BBY DADDY CANT DO THT. WILL B JUST FINE. IF UR BF CARE 4 U AND UR BBY,THT IS FINE..FOR ONE U WILL HAVE TO TAKE A DNA TEST.. BUT THT CUSTODY THING IT'S NOT THT EASY ..DO WHT UR HART TELL U TO.. ASLONG AS U AND UR BBY IS HAPPY .. GOOD LUCK!!:-)

Tammy - posted on 01/27/2013

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hey shelby,

I read your post. If he has a restraining order against him, granted by the court, then yes, a judge can order that he not be around your daughter. I had a child with someone who has order against him, and when my ex husband was fighting me for custody of our son, the courts ordered that THE FATHER OF MY BABY, could not be present when my son was home because of his assult record... with no record between us and this charge being 7 years old. Even if you and baby dad are not together, he has rights to concern for protection for his child. Now, you state he is not on birth certificate. To enforce those rights, he would first have to establish paternity, opening the financial obligation that the courts tend to assess as presidence, and also establish a visitation schedule to aclimate the paternal relationship. He cannot fight you on custody without the prior steps taken first. Starting with proving he has that right to challenge you. If you have no support order, and have not sought support thru the courts, he will first have to partition courts for paternity test, his dime... once established, he can challenge your custody, but should expect support order to follow by state law. If he can prove that he is the child FATHER, has the means to provide for the child, keeps consistent with visitation, he could very well be able to challenge custody if your choices in partners are questionable. As far as your man not being allowed in your child's presance, all he needs is paternity test, to establish his right, and a questionable history on the part of your boyfriend , especially if dads record is clean.

Whitney - posted on 01/27/2013

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If your boyfriend has a history of domestic violence, a judge can rule he can't be around your daughter. If you violate that order and her father has proof, you will lose custody. That's how my brother got custody of my nephew (but it was very well deserved in his case).

Karen - posted on 01/27/2013

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Stop dating someone with a history of domestic violence is my best advice. In fact, don't date at all - you have a little baby to focus on. Raise your child. If the child's father is basically a decent guy, you just don't like him anymore, don't hurt your child by keeping her away from her dad. That is not fair to your daughter - she deserves to have her father in her life. Work out a parenting plan with him so you don't have to have a court battle.

Jojo1551 - posted on 01/27/2013

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I dont understand why no one is asking is the child father wants to be in the baby's Life !! The baby is not even one, she didnt put his name on certificate, AND already she is involve with someone else !!!! Take a break girl !! AND fathers have rights too !! Hé is as much intitle to have custody as the Mom... As far as i know it take 2 to make a baby !! Join custody is often the best way to go. No fight about money, AND the kid get to have 2 parents equally.
About the new boyfriend.. Man dont change... It can take a while too see that side of him but eventually U will see it AND so will your daughter ... Is he really worth it ?? Grow up and be a parent.

Joyce - posted on 01/26/2013

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Dove makes some very good points and has some sound advice. However, please remember that the absent father is not on the birth certificate....indicates NO marriage. Also, please remember that laws from state to state can differ and potentially alter the outcome of any legal proceedings that might occur in the future. Absent birth father would also have to present evidence why he has not (if this is the case) paid child support up to this point. Would make a request for custody a little far-fetched. What this mother needs to do is eliminate the boyfriend with domestic charges pending from her home....make arrangements to change her child's exposure to him and possibly even break up with him altogether. Many of the comments above indicate that many responders recognize that once he has been violent that typically continues. The victim changes, the scenario change, the "reasons" change, but the violence will NOT change. No matter if she thinks she is in love with him. It would appear that this is a love that produces no future for her OR her little girl. Proceed with great caution!

Heather - posted on 01/26/2013

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i totally agree with jennifer on this one this what i have been getting she has to play by the rules of the system the better it is for her

Dove - posted on 01/26/2013

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* he will be lucky to get that joint custody of the child

This is what I am saying is not true in all cases, Heather....

I CLEARLY stated she won't lose custody without just cause (*if the ex has sufficient enough evidence that his child is in danger... full custody for the father IS possible. How likely it is depends a lot on the judge, the lawyers, and the evidence presented (for full custody... joint is 'typically' standard without good cause to rule against it).) ...... Forgive me for sharing my real life experience of a completely uninvolved father only not getting joint custody due to his location making it impractical.

I said your advice isn't true in ALL situations... because it wasn't in MINE. Maybe you could learn to read what I'm actually saying before you tell me that 'I' don't know what I'm talking about... I guess you've lived my life?

Heather - posted on 01/26/2013

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the dad has to prove that she has not feed her child or clothed the child or abused the child the courts always rule in the mother faver unless she has abused her child not feed her child the list goes on and on of what he has to prove in a court law if she has to play the system its her best chance of protecting her child they dont remove the child from the mother not with out good enough reason now unless you are suggesting that she has not been a good mum to her child then her best chance for her is to play by the system i am a full time foster career i have been to court more times over different kids then you or her have had hot meals i know the court system so dont tell me what i do and dont know love i also know how social workers work to

Jennifer - posted on 01/26/2013

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It doesn't matter if they were married or not. They can't base care off of marriage, they look to see if the mother is providing proper care and stable home. I actually know probably 6 men who win custody because they had proof they could provide better care than the mother and the mothers were proven neglectful. Could be as simple as not being able to provide proper clothing for a child and having a gross messy home. Another thing is it will always be two sided. I've seen both sides to my boyfriends case with his ex. She refused access and he was not allowed to talk to them or see them because she was bitter. We had proof over a text and it held up. She is so far 'loosing' in court because she has lied the entire time. She said she gave him time with them, his time was probably 9 hours in 6 months. We tried to talk it out with her to let him but she said 'f*** you I'm getting a lawyer.' She now has absolutely no money because she had a lawyer (who was a dumbass) and can't even clothe her own children with clothes that fit. So it's all very two sided and right now if your thinking of a custody battle stand point he has the upper hand. It's amazing what you can do and have right's to do. She will be requested for financials and so will he and I'm not implying anything, but say he takes a picture of the child with clothes that don't fit and they are from her home, they will refer to her financials and if she is living beyond her means and not spending her money accordingly to having a child and compare to his spending habits and he comes out fine and factor in primary care. Some lawyers will tell you they can't do that but it's what a judge decides. If he thinks the father could provide better care and stable home (ex. the boyfriend). Then he might not even think twice or rewarding 50/50 rights and custody. Men are becoming more and more common as primary caregivers. She can bring up that she is the mother but as long as a child is not breastfeeding that child they can do whatever they want. You have to take everything in as a possibility. The boyfriend could be just a start as his basis for getting custody and then it could blow up and you never know what could happen. Give him no reason to win if that is what you want. Get rid of the boyfriend and actually do it and don't lie. Make sure he has access to his child and don't ever send something incriminating over text or voice mail. Give him nothing he can use against you. Court is such a serious matter and they don't care if you love someone or not. They don't care who this man may be or is. He has a record and that's what his profile will be for the rest of his life to the law and court systems.

Heather - posted on 01/26/2013

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if he has not had regular contact with the child then he want get soul custody of the child he will be lucky to get that joint custody of the child i am a full time foster career and dont have p r over the child he will be lucky just to see the child and work with the system it looks better for u if he fucks up u can remove all contact but my best advise is for him to go throw contact centre but u have to request that at court for them to sort it out i am full time foster career thats my best advise to u is play it by the system thats there it will always look better for u

Christine - posted on 01/26/2013

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If I were you, I would not choose to be with someone who has a domestic assault against him. It is not safe for you or your baby to be around this kind of person. You wouldn't want to lose your child due to this situation. I am sure the baby's father would bring up this assault. Try to find someone else who is loving and kind and caring, etc.

Jennifer - posted on 01/26/2013

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Ok, so if the father gets a lawyer and even if you do, this looks so bad on your part. Tons of women trust these men who have past violence issues and then their children get SBS. I'm not saying he would but it's something the father could bring up in court. If you get a judge who has family he may side with him. Judges who don't have families tend not to understand concerns as well as a family orientated judge would. Even worse if the father can prove this man is violent ex. Text, email, and he has every right to request a background check. Which it would show he went jail and it may result in a trial, which you do not want. My boyfriends children come to us once a month and we are under suspicion of abuse but we don't have sufficient evidence against her. She doesn't have a record and no one in her family does but If the father wants to really play dirty he can call child services and say he suspects your man is hurting his child and your doing nothing about it. It's touchy with SS because it is bias but if they won't do anything a judge probably will. Sure he may lie but no proof he is lying if that's the case. She's not old enough to tell them what's going one. You need to think of what could happen. Your child is number one and even though this man may be good to you, is it worth it? Also, think of what you would do if he had a girlfriend who went to jail for abuse and your child was around her?

LATRANYA - posted on 01/26/2013

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Yes that right. If he treat his mother like shit. He going treat you like shit to. Put your daughter first.

Maya - posted on 01/25/2013

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Look carefully how any guy treats his mother. Or his sister. It's only a matter of time, and that is how he will be treating you. Could be months, could be 10 years, but you will eventually get to that stage in your relationship.

By that time, you might have had more kids with him, and then he will be in your life forever.

Amanda - posted on 01/25/2013

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All a I can say is the less drama the better for you and your child! No man is worth risking you or your child's safety!

Evelyn - posted on 01/24/2013

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Thanks Dove for that. Just as I know from personal experience is that you do what is best for the child or children not for you. It was not an easy choice to make but in the long run it really worked out a lot better than I had thought.

Dove - posted on 01/24/2013

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Ditto Evelyn. How do you KNOW his mom lied? Unless you were actually there yourself... it's all hearsay and you have no idea what REALLY happened... and neither does your ex, but the well being of his (and your) child could be at stake here and that's probably what he's looking at.... as well he should.

Shelby - posted on 01/24/2013

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he was never convicted of it tho all he did was go to jail and had fins to pay. his mom lied bout it and told them that he hit her but everyone else said he didnt, i dont think its on his record and he is very good to me and the baby we dont fight at all or anything

Dove - posted on 01/24/2013

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He can request whatever he wants, but it's up to the judge on whether or not it's granted. I'd be pushing for the same thing if I were him though. Is it really worth the risk having a baby around a guy with a domestic assault charge? If it happened once... it COULD happen again and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if the guy I chose to put my baby around ever hurt her.

Evelyn - posted on 01/24/2013

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If he feels that there is a chance she could be in danger, he can ask that the BF not be around her.

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