Being a step mom to really bratty kids

Anne Marie - posted on 01/06/2013

Darlene
Ignore the insults you have received. I've posted re step kids before on here and received the same crap from the same small minded people. Waste of time really!

Mailisha - posted on 01/06/2013

Darlene,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this HELL, and then being bullied here when you're just asking for help. Please ignore the two intense women who offered you "help" (but also chose to chastise you and be excessively HARSH in their responses). Some of what they said I was also thinking/feeling, but there is a time and a place to discuss the "How did you get HERE?!" part of your problem, and you are clearly asking about the "What do I do now, considering that this is where I am?" part.

Fortunately, I've never had the misfortune to be in your shoes so I have no advice, I'm afraid. But I had to chime in to let you know that I feel for you very much and I sincerely hope that you can find a solution (soon!) that can benefit both you and your unborn child, as well as your husband and his poor, abused children. Such a devastating situation for all concerned! :(

~Mailisha

Nicole - posted on 01/06/2013

Little miss needs to quit adding her two cents. Obviously shes never been a step parent to a difficult child. The judgment and ridicule is flat out bully behavior. No wonder we are raising kids who hurt others. Some kids just need help. Period. My recommendation to the original poster is to try family counseling. Couple counseling would help as well. I am a step parent to a child that has several mental diagnoses including borderline personality disorder. Her mother beat her as a child. My husband and I fought for full custody but as many of you might be aware of, its very hard to get children taken from their mothers. Eventually her mother kicked her out and we had her with us for 5.5 years. Those five years were by far the worse years of our marriage and the most difficult in my life. I feel for this step mother. I said some of the same things. Counseling didnt help us with my step daughter but it did give us an outlet as a couple which helped our marriage in the long run. Step daughter is now 19 and in the marine corp...but still causing a lot of drama. Your husband needs to decide how much drama he will allow in your lives and then decide your level of involvement. You will pick what is right for your family. The answer is not fighting for full custody...its got to be whatever you as a couple decide is right for your family...even if that is pulling back. Prayers for you and your family!

Mary - posted on 01/06/2013

I'm sorry. I misunderstood what rude language and attack meant.

Angela - posted on 01/06/2013

Darlene- can you message me as I would like to talk with you, thanks :)

Melissa - posted on 01/06/2013

I understand your frustration. I am a stepmom as well. My husband has custody of his daughter and has the entire time we've been togetjer. Her bio mom was not always a good mom either. She did drugs in front of the child and even got arrested in front of our daughter. I am glad to hear that you and your husband are fighting for full custody. Documentation is very important. Make sure you document everything. If you can, talk to tje kids about what happens when they're with their mom, and record it. I'm not sure how old the kids are, but sometimes judges ask the kids who they would prefer to live with (in our state the kid has to be 12a to have any say). Continue with the counseling, even if it seems wasted when the child returns to bio mom. Set some guidelines and boundaries for the children at your house. Continue to be loving with them. See if maybe you and your husband can get temporary custody until a final ruling is made. Good luck to you!

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2013

Mary: The report button isn't to report someone you don't agree with. Please stop reporting one member because she doesn't have the same views and is being blunt.

Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

Mary - posted on 01/05/2013

Darlene I'm so sorry that some rude people tried to take over your post and attacked you repeatedly. There are some real bullies on this site. If they really cared about kids they would help you, not attack you. People do that because something you said hurt their feelings or reminded them about something in themselves they don't like. Don't take it personally. I really feel for you. I won't marry my daughter's father because I do not wish to become his child's stepmother. I don't like the way the child is being raised. She's very self centered and rude at times. She has no respect for adults. She lacks age appropriate social skills. She is simply not very enjoyable to be with. I'm kind to her. I treat her with compassion and respect. But I simply do not like her. I admit to not having a lot of patience with obnoxious kids. I'm blessed with three reasonably well behaved children (ages 2 to 18) that do not need to rebel. I have a really hard time with smart mouthed kids that talk back to adults. I have an even harder time dealing with the persons that selfishly raised their children to be that way. So yes lol I had a major problem on my hands. I hear ya!

I started going to counseling about 5 months into the relationship because I knew dealing with this child was going to be a problem. I also regularly check out and read books from the library about dealing with difficult kids. That has helped me. It's still been challenging though. But I would have lost my mind had I not sought help.

Bless your heart! Being pregnant magnifies and intensifies difficult emotions. What you're going through must really suck right now. Get some help and support! You deserve support. The kids deserve for you to be helped so you can help them. I would see if there is a pregnancy crisis intervention program that might be able to offer you a guide to resources. See what your insurance will pay for in the way of counseling. In my town there is a resource center run by Christians that is devoted to serving the unborn and families. Where there is a will a way will open up. Take care of yourself and stay positive. Seek guidance from compassionate people who are qualified to give it. Stay strong! :)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/04/2013

And nope.....haven't been treated poorly by a step parent for whoever said that, and it bothers me to no end when a parent clearly does not like their step children. YOU are becoming part of their family, and vice versa, but adults adapt easier and can deal with their emotions better than children. Especially those that are clearly not liked.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/04/2013

LOL....Indeed you can Tracy ;P

Margaret - posted on 01/04/2013

I also am a stepmother, yet he is a young adult now. Darlene I completely understand where you are coming from. I also never experienced such behavior or
parenting from his mother. One thing is I spoke with my husband and we agreed on how we would parent and rules at our house. Then we ser him down to talk and have him a written letter on how we loved him and this is how we were suppose to parent our children.I was very honest with him and let how i felt when he acted disrespectful and then consequences. It is very hard and I am not sure there is a East answer. People have no idea What they are talking about, never Being in the situation. Me included, because every child and situation is different. I have compassion and for the children. I will say a prayer for all if you. As for little Miss cant be wrong, well the name says it all. Sorry but you are so wrong and rude on this one.

Margaret - posted on 01/04/2013

I also am a stepmother, yet he is a young adult now. Darlene I completely understand where you are coming from. I also never experienced such behavior or
parenting from his mother. One thing is I spoke with my husband and we agreed on how we would parent and rules at our house. Then we ser him down to talk and have him a written letter on how we loved him and this is how we were suppose to parent our children.I was very honest with him and let how i felt when he acted disrespectful and then consequences. It is very hard and I am not sure there is a East answer. People have no idea What they are talking about, never Being in the situation. Me included, because every child and situation is different. I have compassion and for the children. I will say a prayer for all if you. As for little Miss cant be wrong, well the name says it all. Sorry but you are so wrong and rude on this one.

Tracy - posted on 01/04/2013

following this thread - can I fall in love with you Little Miss Can't Be Wrong?? ;)

For Darlene: I'm a stepmom to four children (who are now all grown). They all have or have had major problems over the years. Three belong to one mother and the other has a different mother (both women are my husband's ex-wives). I also had a son of my own when I met my husband so he was my son's stepfather until he adopted him. Here's what I see in your OP and in your defenses of the OP: though you may not want to see it, you are a contributing factor to their behaviors - both because of what you do/don't do and simply because you (and the new baby) exist. At this point, there's nothing you can really do about being a part of their lives. You are there and they will have to adjust to that. You don't say how long you knew their father before you got married, how long you've been married, and how long from meeting the kids did you get pregnant. ALL OF THAT can have MAJOR impacts on the kids who already seem to have a horrible mother. Now you have taken their daddy away AND given him a new baby. This all takes YEARS of adjustment in the best of situations let alone with a crazy situation like yours. Your OP states how you feel about the children and that you weren't seeking how to deal with the ex, the situation, the behavior, etc... You were blaming the children for their behavior and saying that because you are pregnant that you can't deal with these children. An attitude adjustment on your part is highly needed. I totally get that they can be brats, but just don't blame them for the situation that ALL OF THE ADULTS (including you) have put them in.

Now, all of that said, the best thing I can advise (other than seeking full custody and counseling, which you claim you are doing) is to give the kids a transition place and time when they come to your house. Instead of the kids coming straight to your house from their mother's house, take them to a place that they can be allowed to do whatever they need to in order to release energy/frustrations/anger/etc... Let it be a place and a time where they can talk about ANYTHING and say WHATEVER they need to that will get their feelings across. Don't take anything they say personally during this time. Instead, if they decide they want to call names, scream, get angry, at you and hubby, let them but then make them sit down and talk about those feelings. WHY do they feel certain ways. Maybe it's just general crap they feel and nothing specific - let them tell you what will help them get it out. Sometimes you will have to offer suggestions because they won't know what will help. Ask them, "will jumping up and down as hard as you can get the angries out?" or "is there something that happened this week that made you feel strongly? What did you feel and how do you think we can learn to let that go?" Stuff like that. The whole object of this is less about letting the kids run wild but about giving them a chance to identify that they HAVE feelings about stuff and how to work through it. You are LISTENING above all else to their FEELINGS and not focusing on the behaviors. Kids act on their feelings and rarely have words to do it properly. We have to help and teach them that sometimes a gigantic scream at the world is more helpful than picking fights with people or being mean. That a generic scream or a physical activity can help relieve some of the stressful feelings. Show them that adults can feel all of that too and sometimes adults don't always handle things properly either. Show them that you and your spouse need to release feelings too. Talk to them about mom and LET THEM KNOW IT'S OK TO LOVE HER BUT ALSO NOT BE HAPPY WITH WHAT SHE DOES. They need to know that loving her is good but that it's independent of her behaviors. The fact is, they (according to your posts) don't HAVE a mother but just a woman that takes them and abuses them for a week at a time. So that means that you are their mother. You have to show them even MORE love than you might your own child because they need to know what a mother is (I hope that makes sense and you know what I mean by MORE love...) They have to know that you are there for them no matter what. They have to know that you will fight for them in any way possible. They need you to embrace them even when you are angry with them - especially when you are angry with them. IF you can't do ALL of this stuff, then you need to get out now and not divide their attentions away from their father whom they seem to need desperately.

Monique - posted on 01/04/2013

i can get better, it just takes time. i have 2 step children that i've know since they born. i love these kids before their father and i ever stated dating. but when my daughter and i moved in with them things changed. his daughter started to blame me for her mom not being around, with was not the case she bailed long before that. she started acting and being horrible to me and my daughter. when i got pregnant things felt so out of control i considered leaving. thankfully i have this rule, do not make major like changng decisions while pregnant. so i stuck it out, now 6 years later things are much better. you just have to be consistant, show them you love them and are not going anywhere. it will be stressful! sometimes we all think our kids are evil, step or bio. Good luck.

K - posted on 01/03/2013

Darlene, first line of advice: totally disregard "little miss can't be wrong". What kind of screen name is that anyway. Obnoxious. I am a stepmother of four and have a two yr. old with my husband. I raised my step kids with my husband through their teen yrs. their bio mother was not around. To say your husbands kids are or have been bratty may very well be accurate. Does not make you a bad person or step parent to make that observation, just honest. Some kids can be brats. The difference is that you sincerely want to know how to help them to change that. For this other post to suggest that you are somehow horrible for calling them that is clueless about reality for some families. My step kids could be huge brats at times. I can say that and also say that my husband and I worked very hard to be a team in parenting them out of that bratty stage and into mature, Godly character. They are wonderful young adults now who fully admit that we're obnoxious for a period of time while the family adjusted and blended. I suggest reading the book "Courage To Be A Stepmom" by Sue Patton Theole. Helped me tremendously. It's also important that you and your husband always present a united front to your step kids as pertains to house rules, discipline, etc. Counseling also helped us a lot. I wish you the best. Last bit of advice. Don't take advice from anyone who is not themselves a step parent. Unless you have walked in those shoes, you haven't got a clue what you are talking about. And take care of yourself!

Michelle - posted on 01/03/2013

It's easier to fix a child than an adult.. walk away or be the mother they need.

Cori - posted on 01/03/2013

Ladies! These posts are very disheartening! 'Little Miss Can't Be Wrong'- you were obviously treated very badly by step parent... Have you considered counseling?
Darlene, raising children in homes with two different discipline methods is very difficult. I am going through this myself. My husband's ex does not discipline her son; he has the run of her house and is allowed to speak to her her however he pleases. He jumps on the furniture, orders her around and speaks disrespectfully to other adults. We also have a week on/week off visitation, and I cannot leave my stepson with many other people for fear of his behavior. The good news is, that with consistency on our part he is improving. I won't pretend it isn't difficult..... In the beginning I was at least as frustrated as you are, if not more. I can't imagine being pregnant as well! I hope your husband is home often and disciplining his children at least as much as you are if not more. One thing to remember here is that this situation is being perpetrated by mom, not your stepchildren. I have been through court battles, I wouldn't hold my breath on the court system getting involved in these type of issues. Just keep being kind and showing your children that you love them and that there is another way to behave which will bring them better results.

Tara - posted on 01/03/2013

Darlene have you and your husband thought about filing for full custody so that the children will not be in an abusive relationship? If they go calm from your house then your house full time might be what they need. I know you have a baby coming and boy do I know how much work they are, but having the children living with you guys full time will help them to feel part of the family when their new brother or siste comes into this world:) good luck!

Rebecca - posted on 01/03/2013

I'm sorry do you have kids? Do you live in my house? You have no idea what it is like in my house to pass judgement on me. Why so negative? People like you shouldn't be posting on here. Life shouldn't be so negative. Why add to it?

Jenn - posted on 01/03/2013

Wow a lot of judgement going on here. I highly doubt the OP tells these kids these things. And for people to say she shouldn't have married their father, or shouldn't be with their father or whatever... who's to say these kids ALWAYS behaved the way they are. Maybe the behavior started AFTER things were already serious between their father and the OP.

Speaking from personal experience... I dated someone with a child, the child was adorable, sweet, loving etc. When his father and I moved in together, the behavior problems started up. He tormented my 2 year old. He got into things (normal yes I know) but when he went into the medicine cabinet and destroyed some expensive makeup/skin care products I had gotten as a gift, I spoke (kindly) to him about touching things that weren't his, etc etc, and I was told "you're not my mother you can't tell me what to do" So yes I can understand how it is to deal with a hard to handle stepchild. It actually was one of the reasons I had to rethink the relationship because my child started picking up the behavior, and my BF wasn't really interested in trying to manage his son.

My advice, talk to your partner. See if you can work something out, a discipline system. Do stuff as a family to help them with the feeling neglected. But it wont get better unless their father is on the same page as you. And if their mother is that bad, you and your partner go for full custody. Maybe living in a better environment will help them as well. Good luck :)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

Jinx Dove ;P

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

Yes Holly, that means she deactivated her account. I think she can still come in here and read though. Also, she can reactivate at any time she wants.

Dove - posted on 01/03/2013

Holly, it typically means the account is deactivated, but she marked my post as helpful after her name went black.... so I know she still is (or was) around. No clue why she'd deactivate her account and still keep reading though.....

Lacye - posted on 01/03/2013

Being a step mom to really bratty kids

These children are the worst children I have ever seen.

They are spoiled, neglected, needy, mean and it never stops.

I'd be a brat too if my stepmother talked about me like that. If you don't like the way the kids are, either talk to your husband about letting his ex have them full time, or the two of you file for custody so you can reprogram them. Either way, I feel sorry for these kids. If they are being treated like crap by their mother, they sure as hell don't need a SM to remind them of how horrible they and the BM are. You should be ashamed of yourself. And I don't buy that "I'm a nonconfrontational person" BS because if you were, you wouldn't have said the mean and hurtful things about those kids in your original post. I am a stepmother, but I would never talk about or treat my stepchild like she was anything but a child who deserves to be loved.

Holly - posted on 01/03/2013

when her name goes black does that mean she's can't receive private messages? is she no longer a member? I was going to send her a link privately

Lisa - posted on 01/03/2013

Then perhaps, in the best interests of the children, your husband should file for full custody instead of his former wife. She would have to pay child support to him.

If she considers the children a burden to her, she may be amenable to that solution.

The kids will likely change their behavior once they are no longer exposed to their toxic mother and her bad parenting. I agree that violence and shaming do not inspire people to be good, at any age.

I would say that solution, or let her have full custody. I can't imagine that it can be good for the children to be shuttled from one home to another every week. That sounds horrific and cruel to me. Who thought of that brilliant idea?

September - posted on 01/03/2013

Even though I was a brat and a needy child my step mom accepted me just that way. She knew that in order to be in a healthy loving relationship with my father she needed to have a healthy loving relationship with his children as well. It took some time for me and my sister to adjust to this new woman in our lives but with my step moms love and support we were able to adapt pretty quickly. I love my step mom so much and I'm so thankful that although I was a brat she still loved me. If you love this man, you'll love his children as well; they are a part of him and deserve to be loved. Co-parenting with the bio mom is very important as well.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

Oh and BTW, kids don't learn to simply be nasty, it is learned. Gee I wonder where she learned to be "just plain old mean." usually this is an indication also of not getting the proper kind of attention.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

Rebecca, you do realize that your daughter will see you moving her to another state with her father, as you choosing everyone else over her. Bravo.

Rebecca - posted on 01/03/2013

I understand your pain. I am not a step-parent but my husband is to my oldest daughter. Being a step-parent is a thankless job. I just moved my daughter to her dads house in another state, because she was causing so much contention in our family. Some kids can be really nasty, and I've finally come to realize no matter what I do my daughter is just plain old mean. I hate to say this, but with each subsequent pregnancy my daughter got harder and harder. I wish you the best of luck. How does your partner feel about it?

Chrissy - posted on 01/03/2013

You know what? Some kids are brats. They're mean, crappy little boogers that you just want to smack. Having said that...it gets better but it takes work. You need to have clear cut rules, with punishment laid out, for these kids. Kids thrive when they have structure. As they don't have it at their Mom's, it's all the more important for them to have it at your house.
I read something that said that it takes ten positive comments to counteract the effect of one negative comment said to a child. It will be very hard but the more positive reinforcement you give them, the better. It's a fine line to walk between being positive and letting them walk all over you but, when you find the balance, it's worth it.
Hang in there. Step-parenting is tough. It's worth it, though.

Ariana - posted on 01/03/2013

It's great that two of the children are in councelling but on top of that maybe you could all get family councelling? You are now a part of this whole family dynamic and everyone could benefit from going to see someone and learning how to work together as a whole unit at your house. Talking to someone else might also help you air out your feelings about the kids without it effecting your relationship with them or making it so you want to leave.

Is there any way to get a court order that says the children who are in councelling should be getting it the week they're with the mom as well as the weeks they're with you? Maybe the children seeing a councellor to help them work through things while they're in the more negative environment will help them learn to calm themselves better.

It's unfortunate for everyone involved that this is happening and you already said after a few days the kids calm down. Is it possible to get a plan where you have two weeks on two weeks off? That way they take a few days to calm down and then have a week and a half of calmness. The downside of that of course is that they'd be in the negative spot for two weeks straight so maybe that wouldn't work...

You should try to get an activity for the family that is something positive for all of you to distill some of the negativity. You could all join a martial arts class (even if you explain you can only show up every other week) since that's usually an all ages activity (if the kids are younger most schools will allow older people into the younger kids class or the younger one in the older class if the age difference isn't to far off, tends to be split with 4-7 year olds and 8+ type stuff). Plus martial arts is about self-control and things like that. Just something you could all do together that could be fun instead of you always feeling like they're mean or needy.

I would say try to connect with them in a more positive way and try to have more fun things happening and get out of this mindset that the kids are crazy. If the mom is acting like this she really is the one who's responsible.

Try to find a family councellor that all of you can go to so you can find out how to make the whole family dynamic change.

Dove - posted on 01/03/2013

The judge might not take the kids wishes into consideration depending on the judge and the ages of the kids, but if you have them in counseling w/ someone who is willing to testify in court... that can help.

Some states do still focus on the bio-mom, but many more states are automatically going w/ 50/50 custody (sounds like what your state did) unless it is proven to be in the best interest of the kids to go with something different. Yes, it's a process that takes time, but if everything you say is true... it's definitely worth pursuing.

Darlene - posted on 01/03/2013

Ya, he's done that. We kept all her crazy rants of texts she sent when she was drunk or PMS'ing. If its true about judges wanting to hear from the kids, that would be a dream come true! I thought maybe they were too young?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

But the father does have rights. Record keeping of all the instances is a must. And some judges want to hear from the kids who they want to live with.

Darlene - posted on 01/03/2013

Yes, we are fighting for custody for this very reason. It takes time though. The USA see's biological mothers as a priority to child rearing, even when they are unfit. I am from another country and see the injustice in this, but what can I do? I have no rights and she knows it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

Actually I have given you some great advice. If you see it for insults, I really don't care.

Dove - posted on 01/03/2013

They need help... a lot of it... and unless your husband is able to fight for them in court to get that help... how is anything going to change?

Darlene - posted on 01/03/2013

I appreciate all the inquiries, its allowed me to be more clear.
But you have not helped at all, just continue to insult me. What is your problem?

Darlene - posted on 01/03/2013

I am seeking advice. I can understand why you may be offended, but I really need advice right now. I thought there may be someone out there who understands how hard this is? I am surprised I carried this baby as long as I did. One of the kids kicked me in the stomach when I was not ready for it at 3 months pregnant. We dealt with it the best we could by consulting with him about the baby and how its important to be gentle. It seemed to work a little?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

SMH. Yup. Dove is right. You are completely changing the agenda of your post, most likely because we called you on it. Typical.

Darlene - posted on 01/03/2013

Its embarassing when they hit other kids, when they scream at adults or say disrespectful things to grown ups. I wonder about the counceling we have the older one in, all that is undone when he goes back to his mothers home. She could care less. Its not a question of love, its clear that I love them or else I'd be gone. No one invests this much time and money into children they hate, thats just crazy talk. I'm just calling them what they are, they are monsters! They got kicked out of every social function imaginable for violent behavior. Imagine being me all those times explaining to the people who had them removed. Walk a mile in my shoes and you would understand.

Dove - posted on 01/03/2013

Then why wasn't your op on how to save these poor kids instead of complaining about them?

Darlene - posted on 01/03/2013

That's exactly what I am gong through! The kids are actually really great after a few days being here, but we know they have to go back to that nighmare every other week and its so hard on us as a family. We are fighting for custody, but she is clever in a cruel way. One of those types...

Holly - posted on 01/03/2013

I am a step mother, and i can tell you that I love my stepdaughter, mostly only because i love my man.... and i do my darnedest to keep everything as equal as i can. but let me tell you she is DEFINITELY a "fair police". other things: she is a liar, she is a bully, and she has stressed out my own daughter (who already has OCD) to the point that she gets OCD tics.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

Then if she is so awful, how can either of you in good conscience send them back there? Why are YOU both not suing for full custody? And yes I gave very solid advice....clearly you didn't read it then.

Darlene - posted on 01/03/2013

When they are with us for a week, they go home calm and positive. It takes a few days for them to calm down when they come from there mom's home, who has them at babysitters almost the whole time and in there room or at there grandparents the rest of the time. She was arrested for spousal abuse 2 years ago, which ended there marriage. The first thing these kids told me when I met them was how they witnessed there mother attacking there father, punching him in the face.
We have the older one in counceling, the younger one is doing a little better but still hits other children at school and church sunday school. I am pretty in awe of this sometimes. I don't have experience in this kind of thing, its not a question of leaving, I am not a coward and believe there can be a way. Is there anyone out there with solid advice besides insults?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

It says it all in your op statement "Being a step mom to really bratty kids" clearly you love them OH SO MUCH! I am a stepchild, and I am so thankful I did not have a stepdad that saw me as a total burden. Stepmoms like you are what give being a step parent a bad name. THAT is why i am upset with your post. My culture is about loving who is part of your family, and not regarding your children as "bratty". You specifically were asking how to deal with bratty kids. have fun with your poor parenting attitude. It is quite clear your bio child is going to be favored by you. Just think about that when you treat them poorly, and how that will make them feel even more alienated from you.

You want to know how to deal with them? Give them love. Play with them. Set up ground rules for your home. Bond with them before the baby comes, and when the baby comes, involve them so they don't feel left out. Pretty sound, and easy advice to follow. There you go.

Darlene - posted on 01/03/2013

wow! maybe its a cultural attitude, but I am clearly not getting anything from you but judgement and resentment. I know they will be part of my partners life, I am not asking about that. I am asking about how to deal with children who have 2 different types of homes. I don't understand why your so angry?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

Saying you are so spiritual of a person, use that calmness and love to give them love. You are probably making them uncomfortable. Kids pick up on adult emotions, and they sense you don't like them.