being pressured to leave my infant to attend an adults-only wedding

Liz - posted on 01/08/2013

An interesting other perspective:

When I got married the first time, my then husband and I asked for the reception to be for adults only. We got a lot of drama from some of my relatives, some of whom refused to attend (in a way with much attitude, not at all like a polite declining of the invitation) and are still not speaking to me more than 20 years later, because 'you wouldn't invite our little prince'. Still, we went ahead with an adult only wedding, because it was suitable for the environment that we picked.

We made one exception, which was for a three month old baby whose parents were travelling to England from France specifically to be with us for our special day. We absolutely understood his needs and those of his parents, especially given the distance that they were coming.

Cue more drama from those relatives who did attend without their five, six, seven or ten year olds but who were apparently incensed at seeing a baby there.

People can do and say funny things concerning wedding invitations!

Back to the original slant on the topic though and I do think that you're doing the right thing by standing your ground, Heather. It almost sounds as if your husband's college friend wants to invite the friend he remembers and not the person that his friend has become - a husband and father, with all that this entails.

Mom - posted on 01/08/2013

You are not crazy.These are the same people in two years who will think the world revolves around them when the have a kid. As a mom your job is to stick what you think is best for your kid (and leaving them doesn't feel right to you) no matter what pressure you receive. Yes a wedding day is about the bride/groom, but as some one planning a wedding (that will have 26 children in attendance, 14 of which are under 3) I want my guests to enjoy the day too!
My advice have your husband politely say hey it just won't work with leaving the little one and he'd love to get together after the wedding to celebrate with them or something like that.

Michele - posted on 09/03/2012

Don't feel pressure to do something you are not comfortable with, while I wouldn't be annoyed they didn't want us to bring the baby, I would be annoyed @ their persistence in asking to reconsider.

If your uncomfortable leaving your 3 month old overnight, then that's it end of story! Make your feelings quite clear and do t respond to anymore pressure.

For the record I wouldn't leave my 20 month old boys overnight!

Nicola - posted on 12/05/2008

i dont think u shud feel guilty 4 not goin ur friends shud hav been more considerate if they wanted u there that much! i dont think leaving a 3month with its grandma over night is too young but i do think being 6hours away is too far! u wont settle and if ur needed its not just a trip up the road or whatever, its 6 hours t get back! id say tel them u wil celibrate with them once they return frm there wedding by taking them out 4 a meal or something. but dont feel bad ur a mom b4 ur a friend!!

Misty - posted on 12/05/2008

I can understand why they want an adults only wedding and reception. You have given them your answer. They should respect that. I would thank them for showing that they really want you there. It was a great idea about bringing a sitter...but that isn't practical for some families. Unless there is a responsible older teen family member or friend to watch the baby for you who wouldn't mind sharing accommodations with you.

Stephanie - posted on 12/05/2008

I remember reading about someone else having this problem in Dear Abby. You are not wrong by not wanting to leave your newborn with anyone overnight. If your friends can't understand that then that is their own problem. I agree with Stephanie F. that you are all a family package. The couple has a right to want an adults only reception but that does mean that some of their guests might not be able to come due to kids and they need to understand that. If you feel comfortable taking a sitter with you then that would be fine also but only if that's what you want to do, not what the couple wants you to do. Just tell the couple that you won't be able to make it due to the adults only policy and due to you breastfeeding and when they have kids then they will understand. If nothing else, quit responding to their emails. Good luck and remember, it is your family and they come before anyone else so just do what you feel is right.

Sabina - posted on 12/05/2008

After 7 years of no contact they HAVE to have you at their wedding! This is your child and it is way more important than a party (because that is all a weeding reception really is!). And by the way, how nice of them to suggest you bring and PAY the babysitter! Do not feel guilty at all and if your husband wants to go, he can go by himself! Being pregnant and already having a child to take care of, this is the last thing you need to be thinking about!

Cindy - posted on 12/05/2008

wait, I just read that it has been 7 years with no contact, from a college buddy. Well to tell you the truth, I would not even consider it anymore, babysitter at the hotel or not. ...are they crazy?

Cindy - posted on 12/05/2008

I have not experienced this, but I can tell you that I too would be slightly annoyed. Your children have to be your first priority, and if you dont feel comfortable leaving the baby behind (I wouldnt either!) then dont let them pressure you otherwise. If you feel ok with taking the baby along, but having a responsible sitter for the reception, they should provide one for you, if you are ok with that. That would only be decent of them if they would really like you there. And if you are not ok with that either, then don't go at all, and for goodness sakes, dont feel bad about it. ! ...goodluck

Vicky - posted on 12/05/2008

Yes I have. People who do not have kids do not understand. They get there feelings hurt as well. Stick to your feelings of not wanting to leave the baby. They will still have a great wedding and you will be with your baby.

Laurie - posted on 12/05/2008

As a former bf mama, there is no way I'd consider being that far away from a baby so young. They are only that small and needy for a short period of time. If the couple that is getting married were close with you and were good friends, they would care about your child's well-being as well; and therefore would have no difficulties understanding why your aren't willing to risk being away from your baby for that long. That being said, if they are serious about having you there, and you have a reliable sitter, that would be a good way for both parties to be pleased, but then you're going to have the inconvenience of paying for the sitter's hotel room as well. Maybe the coupld would be willing to split costs?

Amanda - posted on 12/04/2008

Whatever! 7 years? Are you kidding me? Oh you are SO making the right decision.

Shauna - posted on 12/04/2008

NO i wouldnt feel bad at all... My borther and soon to be sister in law are having an adaults only wedding and reception...and he has two neices that weill be 2 and a nephew that will be 7....with a baby that little most ppl dont like leaving overnight espically 6 hours away...honestly they dont get it and they shouldnt be pressuring you...its not fair to you and your husband...i wouldnt go

Denise - posted on 12/04/2008

wellmimwould say stick to your guns and next email ask them if they would leave asamll baby being breasfed without mum, why should bub have to miss you and have a bottle just because they cant see bub will be fine,have been to a few adult only things and people have had young babies there. go to the wedding ans say hi then leave thye will probably not mind after all if there is a babgy whos quiet there

Heather - posted on 12/03/2008

Now that you've provided a little more information I can definitely say "Do NOT feel guilty." You make the decision you feel is right for you and don't feel bad if someone disagrees with you. Is your husband feeling the same way as you? It helps if you are both behind the decision 100%. A true friend would not pester you into changing your mind. Were your husband and the groom really close friends in college or just part of a group of friends that hung out a lot? A close friend is worth trying to work out a compromise with that will satisfy you and them but someone who hasn't contacted a friend in seven years doesn't sound that close. Stick to what is best for you and your baby and you won't regret it.

User - posted on 12/03/2008

maybe the husband could go?whats wierd is they want a non-kid reception when the wedding is the time to be quite-the reception is time to let go and have fun!

User - posted on 12/03/2008

they will understand when they have kids....breastfeeding at three months is still a crucial stage.you are not the bad guys send a gift and wish the well one day they will get it....

Lucy - posted on 12/03/2008

I think you tell them to reconsider their attitude, and I agree with the gift trolling. That is horrendously rude. They really don't know what the needs of a 3 month old are at all. Given the same choice would probably be incensed if you did the same to them.

Stephanie - posted on 12/03/2008

I haven't read everybody's advice but many of them and agree with them. There is ABSOLUTELY no correct age to leave your child behind even for an evening. It is when you and your baby is ready. I have 3 kids going on 4 and I have ALWAYS brought my babies to weddings all the way to 7 months old...... and it was well within driving distance. I respect your friends' choice of not having any children at their wedding but seriuosly, how much will a 3 month old really 'bother' anybody. They still slepp a whole lot at that age, they don't crawl, they don't eat (apart from milk) and really don't cry very loud at that age anyways so what really is the big deal!!!!

Shannon - posted on 12/03/2008

My wedding was only the neices and nephews were invited. Any other guests kids were not invited unless it they were a baby. It is not fair to ask a parent to leave their baby with a relative or sitter. They are being unfair in asking you to reconsider, they should bethe ones to reconsider asking you not to bring your baby if they really want you to come. Don't let them make you feel bad, they will understand one day.

Karin - posted on 12/03/2008

FWIW... we took our daughter to a wedding reception when she was just a few months old. I was so glad it was in town b/c she screamed her head off the entire time we were there and the DJ was playing. I think the music was just too loud. Trust me... you do NOT want to bring that small a baby anywhere near a wedding reception. Sucks that your friends are being a little pressuring.

Jennifer - posted on 12/03/2008

Wait... 7 years go by w/o hardly any contact and you get an invite??? That is gift trolling if I ever heard!!!!

Heather - posted on 12/03/2008

Oh my gosh! I can't believe all the response I've received with this question. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! I'm pretty new to Circle of Moms and it's the first time I've posted a question. It's nice to be able to ask for opinions from people who aren't going to tell me what they think I want to hear! Thanks for taking the time to give your opinions. (By the way, the groom is my husband's college friend who he hasn't spoken to--or even emailed--for at least 7 years.) We're not going unless they reconsider their no-infants policy. I have an ergo baby carrier and it would be great to "wear" the baby during the event, but whatever. It will be up to them.

Jennifer - posted on 12/03/2008

My husband was a groomsman in his best friend's wedding 2 months after our Madi was born. We had his parents book a room in the hotel and watch her there. That way she was close and I could feed her before and after the reception. (She was allowed to attend the actual wedding with me.) My own wedding was an adults only function so I understand where they are coming from. However, they should NOT be pestering you after you have sent your regrets, that is just RUDE!

Regina - posted on 12/03/2008

It's pretty simple..you are respecting their wishes and declining to go to an adults only reception. You should ask them to respect yours in return for not wanting to leave your baby.

Christy - posted on 12/03/2008

I definitly agree with everyone. Especally with breastfeeding overnights away from a young baby are not possible. You should not feel guilty for putting your family first. Good luck and keep your head up. One day those people may understand.

Carleen - posted on 12/03/2008

I wouldn't feel bad about not going, especially since you're breastfeeding. I would just stress to them that since they don't want kids at their wedding and your little one is too small to be left at home you just can't make it. They will understand later if and when they have their own children. I think it is rude that they asked you to provide a babysitter and are making you two feel like the bad guys. If they keep bothering you about the issue I would just emphasize that they wanted the wedding kid free and you have one that relys on you for food and care and they need to understand that you cannot be separated that long. I would be annoyed with the situation.

Lynn - posted on 12/03/2008

I agree this is a situation of someone without kids not understanding an infant and a nursing mom's needs. At 3 months, the milk supply is still regulating and not nursing all dy and night could really be uncomfortable and temporarily reduce your supply. Even with poumping, you just won't produce the same. Not to mention you probably won't enough of a milk supply to leave behind for the baby for such a long stretch of time and there is no guarantee the baby will accept a bottle or formula. Your friend just can't put yourself in you shoes. You are in the right to politely decline. Hopefully when she enters motherhood, she'll discover that your not coming wasn't an affront to her. I'm sorry you?re in this tough position. My mom took care of my daughter during a wedding and I went out to her car to nurse periodically. It made it tough to enjoy the wedding.

Traci - posted on 12/03/2008

Stick by your decision on this; it is the right one! These people don't understand, but may someday down the road. It is so important to be with your nursing infant, especially at this young age. You won't be sorry for doing what is best for your family. Best of luck!

Karoline - posted on 12/03/2008

First of all I think it's terribly self centered of them to be thinking of only themselves. Sure it's their day but that doesn't mean they're the only two people there! How dare they pressure you and your husband to leave your infant.



I would consider bringing a friend with me to sit with the baby during the reception, but don't think for a second that I wouldn't be popping in to nurse and snuggle my baby! I think they're being horribly rude. I probably wouldn't even go! Not to be snarky, but because asking a recovering mom to make a 12 hour round trip, leaving her brand new baby behind when a card and a gift will suffice isn't something I'm interested in doing.



I would thank them for caring enough about you both to want you to share their special day, but you're just not comfortable leaving your newborn. (Have they even thought about how you'll have to be pumping several times throughout the night???)

Rachel - posted on 12/03/2008

Wow, most adult only events can still accomodate a nursling! Ask the bride after she has her first child if she has a better understanding. I don't think we can know until the baby is ours what the process entails.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/03/2008

You may be looking at it the wrong way if they suggested that you brign a sitter with you that may just be telling you how much they wont you to be there but also working with what they wont for the wedding. I just got married and I had alot of kids at mine as I am a mother I made a room for the kids to play in. I had alot of family that was not happy that I was as they said "sending the children off" however that was not why I did it. I had sitters that I knew in there at all times and I was trying to give the grown ups time to enjoy the party. The room was not something that had to be used but was there if anyone wonted. My friends loved it but family was not so happy, sometimes people try to give you tools to help and that may be all that was. In the emd it is up to you and your husband but if you are really close and you think that you need to be there you will find a way to make it work.

Ruth - posted on 12/03/2008

Stick to your guns, no way leave the baby that young you wont enjoy yourselves. I remember this similar situation happened to me and that friend now has her own baby and realises how I felt. I was only asked to go up hot air ballooning being away from baby about 6 hours total, baby was 8 weeks, so no way I just said no. I had been ballooning before anyway. People who dont have kids have got no idea how emotional it is to leave them.

Jesca - posted on 12/03/2008

If you are able to come to a compromise on the issue with the hosts and they agree to welcome you with your child, wear your child in a baby carrier during the whole trip (maybe a moby style or ergo style for great closeness). The newborn will feel safe and fulfilled almost like they are in your womb again, and will not get upset as often or as easily as he/she would if they were separate from you sitting in a car seat.



Just a thought. I respect your instinct to not leave your child. You are bearly out of what I call the fourth trimester. Closeness is a must at this time in my opinion, especially if you are a believer in attachment parenting.

Wanda - posted on 12/03/2008

As the mother of busy 8 and 12 year olds - I say run, get away, have adult time. Have you thought about having someone come with you that can stay in the hotel room with the baby. Maybe a grandma or other relative/friend and make it a mini-vacation. Then you can still pop up to the room when you need to.

Amanda - posted on 12/03/2008

You are totally right here. My sister had the same problem this summer, and asked my cousin if she could bring her daughter with her. She was told the same thing (through the grapevine) "no, it's adults only" blah, blah, blah. When my cousin found out the baby was breastfeeding she was like, "heck ya bring the kid along". some people are just more understanding than others. If they keep pressuring you, tell them that if they can provide (and pay for) a reliable babysitter to watch your baby for you in the hotel room, you might reconsider coming. If they can't accomadate you, that is not your problem. A wedding is a single day event, your family is forever.

Lauren - posted on 12/03/2008

I had a similar situation when I was pregnant. My cousin wanted me to come to her wedding alone at 6 mos pregnant (she didn't know at the time) to her wedding 3 hrs away. When I said I couldn't because I work Saturdays and I couldn't drive that far by myself she begged me to come. We ended up explaining the situation and she let my boyfriend come and I ended up sleeping on an air mattress.

If people aren't willing to bend, then you should'nt have to go over backwards to go to their wedding.

Do you have a cousin or sister who could come with you to watch the baby while you are at the reception?

If not, then just say that you would really love to be there, but you can't. It's difficult to trust anyone enough with your baby if they aren't family.

Danielle - posted on 12/03/2008

You shouldn't feel guilty at all if anything they should. I can't believe they are pestering you to still come even after you explained your situation. I had a wedding that I was invited to when my daughter was just about 2 months old and she is a breastfed baby. It was a family wedding and they first told me I could bring her even though it was an adult only reception and then they changed their mind. So we weren't able to go. I was not ready to leave my baby for that long of an evening yet. I felt I made the right decision for us, even though I missed a lot of town relatives.

Though if you are feeling really guilty about not going to the wedding you could possibly take someone with you that you are comfortable with to watch your baby in the hotel room and just go up to feed your child when necessary.

User - posted on 12/03/2008

If you are planning on breastfeeding you could just pump some milk so your grandmother can have some to feed the baby. Just an option, but if you do not feel comfortable leaving your baby I definatley would not do it. You would just be worried the whole time and not have any fun. You shouldn't feel bad about standing your ground and doing what you think is best for your family. If the couple getting married is your friends they should understand and not make you feel bad about it.

Bobbi-lee - posted on 12/03/2008

They obviously don't have kids, if they did they would know how hard it is to leave a 3 month old for a night let alone any hours. I think what you have said is justified and that the baby should be allowed to come she/he will still be a newborn practically attached to you..they wouldnt turn a pregnant woman away even though its adults only..theres still a child there
I can understand their concern for a crying baby may ruin their special night but I still think they are being rude and inconsiderate for your babies needs..taking the baby and leaving for the hotel room whenever it fusses and feeding the baby is the best thing but if they cant even accept that I wouldnt go. You are not the bad guy here

Teja - posted on 12/03/2008

Forget the wedding! There will be plenty of other invites in the future I'm sure. You'll save money from not buying a gift too. LOL. Your little baby needs you way more, spend time with your family and enjoy the baby. Anyone to tell you to keep it at home is pretty selfish, and doesn't understand being a parent obviously. Karma will bite em back.
When my husband, and I started our family all our friends abandoned us even family. There were no more phone calls on Fridays and Saturdays, no one wants to babysit....not even grandma. It can be hard, you just have to take it as it comes and deal with it the best you can. These people don't have your best interests at heart or your family's so I wouldn't worry about it too much, you'll probably make better friend's later if you don't already have lots of great friends now. You should tell them that being pressured like this isn't good for you since you're pregnant, and if it's such a big deal to have you there then they can deal with having the baby there too!

Good luck :)

Keely - posted on 12/02/2008

If they are going to be selfish enough to demand you come and never mind the needs of your child, then dont go. If you are being harassed by them, dont read the emails, answer the phone calls and move on. Send them a card or gift if you want, but if its this much of a hassle, i would not sweat not going. Your family comes first.

Bridget - posted on 12/02/2008

I understand them wanting an adults only reception cos some people let their little children run wild, but they aren't even going to notice a 3 month old in the carrier seat at your feet! If they are your friends and they really want you at the wedding, they have to accept that you have a small baby who needs you. It's also hugely inconvenient for you to be away from your baby since you'll be breast feeding and will probably have to leave the reception anyway to express. It sounds to me like they are being incredibly unreasonable and selfish. I'm actually astounded to hear this account.

Reyna - posted on 12/02/2008

I would not feel guilty if I were you. People that don't have babies don't understand how life is with a child. A few hours, fine but the whole night, I don't think so! Adults only should still include babies from 0 months -1 yr.old 100%dependant of their mothers. I think they should try to understand you. If anyone is to feel guilty, it's your friends that are getting married, not you!

Heather - posted on 12/02/2008

I agree. 3 months is too young to leave for that long. I had to bottle feed all my kids and I still wouldn't leave them overnight at 3 months even though I was not necessary for their nourishment. Don't ever let yourself feel guilty because you put the needs of your helpless infant ahead of someone else.

Megan - posted on 12/02/2008

If they really want you there they should be considerate. If you could bring a babysitter that wouldn't be so bad but if not then I wouldn't leave my three month old over night if i didnt feel comfortable..however you may feel better about it once you have your baby. They shouldn't pressure you to do anything you dont want to do though

Leigh - posted on 12/02/2008

Oh my goodness, This is just craziness, some people don't understand the world around them, they are really too busy stuck in their own world. She probably is so flustered about the wedding and want's it so perfect that she is really not thinking what she is saying esp if she doesn't have kids. If I was you and really wanted to still go I would just take the baby, stuff it, she ain't going to notice a baby that tiny anyway when she is so caught up on the day. Trust me, she won't even notice if you take bubs along, I have done it myself before. haha and no one even bothered. Kids running around is different to a little bub. Hope I have helped you. Good luck in your decision. If she is really that horrible about it than don't go. your family should always come first.

Cheryl - posted on 12/02/2008

this may be a little naive of me, but when i hear "adults only" i assume that applies to toddlers ages and up...not babies !!!! It is crazy that u are even being made to feel like u should be making this choice..it should be a "no brainer". Babies that small come as a package with mum and dad..

Ladyderey - posted on 12/02/2008

If you feel that you baby is too young to leave with grandma than you should not feel guilty. Your pressure is from wanting to please others and sometime that is alright. But first make out your list of people to please, Yourself, husband, children, family then friends. Notice friends are last on the list. Also, if this is a life long friend then maybe you and your husband may want to consider one of you attending and the other staying home with the children. Just a thought.

Louise - posted on 12/02/2008

Hi Heather, I agree it is too soon to leave a 3 month, espesially breastfed baby for that long. You're going to be very uncomfortable anyway at the reception and every time you need to use the breastpump you're going to think what am I doing?... and land up leaving back home before the evening started. Stay your decision ... if the couple was that good a friends they would understand!