being ungrateful or unruly grandparents? not following parents schedule

Marisa - posted on 06/02/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Fellow moms, needs some suggestions and guidance. I am a single mom of an 11 month old baby girl, and luckily do have my father and step mom that like to watch my daughter and recently i have been taking a night class so i can get my teaching certificate because im currently unemployed. I have given them a schedule, tell them what the doctor says and still they are doing what they want. They have gotten my daughter used to falling asleep in their arms and then going to bed but i can't do that every night and dont want her to get use to it. By 730-8 at night i need to get her to bed and do homework, eat dinner and clean up from the day.She also needs to sleep, no matter what she is up between 7-730am. They wont let her cry it out and dont follow my scheduled for her naps and feeding. They are calling me ungrateful and acting like they are doing me a favor. But then they say they love to have her . THey say they are doing their best, but they are doing the best for them. There is no use for me to let it Cry it Out if the nights she's with them they dont follow it. Im stuck and getting into so many arguments with them. Anyone have any advice? I was just thinking to deal with it till im done with my class and then thats it they can't have her over night anymore.

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Liz - posted on 06/03/2013

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So not an easy situation... I have a 6 month old and a 9 year old!!!
With my first I wanted him to follow ver distinct schedules
Which are so so important and what I found is that ...
For me - we have a routine
With his dad- he had a routine
With my sister - it was a little different
And my parents - altogether different

Choose your one important request and ask your parents to help you meet it...

I would suggest the bedtime I.e. 730 ....but the routines can be different

Grandparents truly cannot spoil kids too much ...
My parents also were critical in my sons day to day upbringing and they are so generous and lenient compared to me and yet my son is still a great kid and does not take advantage of that or me !! Your baby needs that same loving relationship with grandparents. As your child grows there will be certain minimum boundaries to establish but they should be basic : a helmet on bikes
no toy guns until age 6 : homework done before bed

If you stick closely to your own routine you will find it will work despite any others. It may feel like they are unravelling your hard work but at 11 months you just need to keep helping reinforce what you want at home and let others love your baby to sleep their way and like someone else said it is so much better to have that adaptable to others routines baby.

It's not easy to let that control go but you will be a happier mom because you do

Mary - posted on 06/03/2013

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I'm sorry, but you are probably just going to have to deal with...and try to do so graciously. From the way you describe your situation, it sounds like you NEED them to help you out.

How many nights a week is she with them? Is she really that "off" after spending a night with them?

Grandparents can be a tremendous help with watching our kids; they (usually) do it for free, and there is the added bonus of knowing that your child is with people who truly love them. However, it's not unusual for them to do things their own way, and be more than a bit prickly when you criticize their methods. They often react by thinking the parent is ungrateful, and get fairly defensive. After all, they raised you, right? If you're finding fault with how they do things with your child, they often see it as an indirect slam or rejection on how they raised you.

You also need to keep in mind that your daughter might be a bit different for them than she is when she is at home for you. They really might not be able to follow the schedule that you try to adhere to at home. Even babies sort of know that they are not at home, and not with mommy. It throws them off, and they act differently when they are in another environment with people not their parents. From the age of about 4 months until 2 years, my parents watched my daughter 2 days a week. I think they tried to adhere to our routines, but she just acted a bit differently for them.

By the time she was 11 months, she was no longer sleeping in my room, and had stopped needing to be nursed and rocked to sleep for either naps or bedtime. However, she simply would NOT do this with my parents. When she was there, she would only nap laying in my father's arms in his recliner. I don't think my dad exactly wanted to spend two afternoons a week being stuck with my daughter snoozing on him for over an hour - but she simply would not sleep for more than 30 minutes or so if they tried to put her in the crib (even with all of her "stuff" brought from home).

I'd also warn you that CIO is pretty difficult thing to ask another to do with your child. It's such a controversial thing in the mommy-world to begin with. Many parents (myself included) just CAN'T do it. No matter how exhausted, frustrated, or desperate I was, something in my own psyche could simply not bear it. I've found that grandparents are even worse - even those who were the most strict as parents are complete marshmallows with a grandchild. I would have described my own father as being more than a bit firm and structured with me as a child; he is a complete and utter pushover with my now 4 y/o.

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Marisa - posted on 06/04/2013

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Yes ive told them what happens when she is with me and they say well we are trying our best.. I've known they put her to bed around 8-9. Which i tell them thats not okay. And this has happened for months now. I give them my schedule and what i want and they are calling me ungrateful and doing me a favor! But they want her and i dont see it as a favor.

It also could be related to her age. For the last few nights she will fall asleep in the swing and ill transfer her to the crib she sleeps for a few hours and wakes up screaming. And this is repeat for a few hours. Last night i just brought her into bed with me because she is crawling and moving, while she was sleeping she fell out of the bed onto pillows on the floor but i nearly had a heart attack and was so upset that its come down to her sleeping with me. I love it but its too scary. Im looking into Safety Rails now or pushing bed up to wall.

They seem not to care. But in a few more weeks i will be out of class at night and will not let her go back overnight. And it sucks that it has to come down to it. Because it does give me a chance to do homework, errands, clean, and sleep. But maybe because she is my first i want her sleep trained.

A - posted on 06/04/2013

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Have you explained why and what is going on when you have her? A little explanation may be helpful.

Ria - posted on 06/03/2013

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Hi. Well, the best thing you can do is just ask to help with the night routine at least getting her in bed at 7/7:30.
I also completely understand b/c I too went back to school (for Medical assistant at a school that is 10 wks and intense) and have that same issue of her staying in her crib. The issue came when I started school but it was my husband who had to stay w/her nights...To make long story short, he got her into our bed, so if she won't stay in the crib, lay down w/her in your bed for a few minutes and let her sleep there. Once an hour or so has gone by or when you are done w/homework, lay her in the crib (or let her sleep w/u). See if that helps. The down fall is that she will get used to sleeping with you. That's something I so didn't want but it's what ever helps you get through your school. Hope it helps. Oh when I lay w/her I have one arm underneath her head and slowly move it once she's out. Good Luck mama!

Marisa - posted on 06/03/2013

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Thank you for all your responses. I guess I am a little ungrateful but i just feel they should be more willing and accomodating because i am a single mom. But when i hear how easy it is for them and then i get her and its back and forth from the couch to trying to get her in the crib.. Im mentally exhausted.

Currently they have her 3 nights but will decrease soon. But she isn't falling asleep easily anymore at least with me. She falls asleep in my arms on her last bottle around 7 and i try to give her about 20-30 mins to fall alseep. I carefully put her in the crib and as she is going down she wakes and screams.. last night she was up and down till 3am. I was exhausted and aggravated. being a single mom is so difficult and i think im just angry.. I can put her in the swing and she will fall asleep after a while but when i get her out of it to go to the crib i have a 1:3 chance she wakes up and then its the same cycle all over again. I ask them to please try and help by following her schedule like bath, bottle book and bed by 730 and they are getting her to sleep around 9.
As far as me goes, my childhood wasn't great. My dad is a good man but i have a lot of issues and problems with my father and how i was raised. He is remarried and im not a fan of her. But yes I do appreciate they love her and they take good care of her but at night is so important and i dont know how to get her back to sleep without falling asleep in my arms and having to transfer her carefully. I tried to get her to sleep earlier and put her awake in the crib and that doesnt work. Maybe i just need to do whatever works until she's older. She slept great with no issues from 5-9 months. I guess because she is closer to a year its becoming a problem. Ive tried the "ssushing" taping her tushi keeping a hand on her back, paci.

Anyone ever heard of the book Wonder Weeks? Ive been told to get it.

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2013

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I think you need to step back and look at it from the outside. They ARE doing you a favour as by them looking after your daughter means that you don't have to pay someone else to do it.
You also need to realize that they have already brought up their children and in their eyes have done a pretty good job so they probably think that because it didn't harm you then what harm can it do to your daughter.
You have to realize that things are different between each generation, things even changed from when I had my 1st to my 3rd.
What I'm trying to say is you need to think about what is more important, having free babysitters who love your daughter as much as you or paying someone else to look after her that doesn't love her like family.

Sara - posted on 06/02/2013

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Schedules are great at first and then they can become an obstacle. Once they learn to get to sleep on their own, and they start going to daycare and other programs they have to adapt to their schedule, and show some flexibility. Just a thought for the future.
If you have talked to them about it, and could not solve your issue you may just have to deal with it and not let her stay the night until she's a little older. Kids really adapt quickly though.

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