BEYOND FED UP! (i tried to fix the post, still long, but please read and give advice. thank you!)

Ashley - posted on 11/20/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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my mother in law gets xanex every month. she takes several at once and stays a messed up for a week or two straight every time she gets them, then she is sober the rest of the month because she runs out. she is the best mother in law when she doesnt have the xanex. but when she gets them she is horrible! i cant take it anymore.



she demands things, when you dont do what she wants when she wants she threatens all kinds of things, like getting our kids taken away, lying to make us go to jail, lying to our landlord to get us kicked out, threatens to kill herself. all kinds of things.



my fiance's best friend is living with us, and for some reason when she is messed up she cant stand him, but when she is sober she loves him. she is mad cuz she said the bedroom he is in is her bedroom and told me the other day i need to kick him out before she comes over and throws him out. of course, i tell her how it is, and how she needs to stop her shit, and give my opinion but she never listens.



my mom loaned us some of the money to get our new van, so for some reason my mil thinks the van is in my moms name and just told me she is going to call my mom and tell her she needs to come get the van because we are letting my fiance's friend drive it and she swears he dont have a license. he does have a license and the van is in my name, so she can tell my mom whatever the hell she wants to.

she called a few minutes ago to tell me my fiance better not yell at her again or threaten to never come around again because if he does she is sending the cops to his work and will lie to them so they will arrest him and she didnt care if it would hurt my kids or not when there daddy was in jail for christmas. my fiance is the only one who works, i stay home with the kids, so we would also lose everything we have and be on the streets. she is very manipulative and will make the cops and who ever else believe what she says.



we do everything for her, we buy her groceries, we take her dinner almost every night, i clean her house, do her laundry, we give her rides wherever she needs to go, we buy her cigarettes and pop and things she needs for her house. we are always doing things for her and it never seems to be enough.



when she wanted a cheeseburger from mcdonalds the day after we spent 100 dollars at the grocery store for her, we told her no because we couldnt even afford to buy our kids mcdonald's so we werent buying it for anyone else, plus she already had plenty of food in her house, and i was making dinner and going to take her some, she threw a fit and said since we cant afford a cheeseburger for her, then we cant afford to feed our kids and she was turning us into cps. she never got the cheeseburger.



when my stepdad passed away a few months ago she called to see what i was doing, told her i was going to my moms to help her with the celebration of life, and she told me my mom is a grown woman and can do it by herself, and that i need to get over there and clean her house and take her clothes to the laundry mat. i went off on her worse than i ever had before, and didnt do anything for her for 2 weeks.

the other night she called my fiance to see if he was taking her dinner and he said yes were about to sit down and eat (like we do every night as a family), and they hung up. before he was able to sit his phone down, she sent a text saying he needed to take her dinner now and eat with her because he didnt need to eat with his family every night. he ignored it, and after we were done eating, he called to tell her he was about to leave to bring her dinner, and she threw a fit because he didnt do what she told him to in the text. he never took her dinner that night, (but she had food in her kitchen that we bought.) so the next day when she was bitching about starving all night because he never brought her dinner, he told her that was her problem.



when she wants something from us, she expects it right then. when she comes to my house she tries to rearrange my bedroom, living room and the kids' rooms. she tries to tell us who we can and can not have in our house. one night, my nieghbors niece was using our computer to do her homework, and my mil came over and the whole time she was here she was telling me to go tell her to get out of my house and lock my computer because we dont need teenagers in our house and nobody should use our computer. i never made the girl leave, and i even told her that if my mil said anything to her to tell me and to ignore her. well she got done using the computer about the same time my mil was leaving, and me and my fiance were sitting in the living room. my mil thought i was still in the kitchen, so when she got home she called me to tell me i need to keep that girl out of my house because when she was leaving she looked in the house and saw her lift her shirt and sit on the couch across from my fiance and spread her legs for him. (i was sitting there the whole time and none of this happened.).



she is always trying to get us to fight. like earlier today, my fiance and her got into it and i was sitting next to him the whole time and after he left for work, she called to tell me how he blamed everything on me and he told her he wanted her to live here so she could take control why he's not here. but like i said i was sitting right next to him and what he really said is that he wanted her to get off the xanex completly or move in with us so we can control her meds and make sure she is taking them like she is prescirbed, because he is ready to give up on her.



she calls and texts at all hours of the day and night, and if we dont answer or turn our phones off, we end up with dozens of text messages and voicemails telling us what a piece of shit we are. we have stopped doing things for her, and cut off contact for weeks at a time before, we have told her when she is crossing the line, and what we do and dont expect, we have gone off on her, we have told her to f*** off. we have tried it all, and it never works.



when she is out of xanex, she is great and we have no problems, but when she has them, the first week or two, however long it takes her to run out, which is usuallly a week and a half, she is unbelievable, and we dont want anything to do with her. she threatens to kill herself every month on them. she has threatened that probably 15 times just today, all because i chose to stay home and clean my house and do laundry today instead of take my fiance to work so i could go do whatever she wanted and have to deal wtih her like this.



we are all she has left, because my brother in law and his fiance have cut off contact with her because of this, and we want to do the same, but we know she is all alone, and we do love her, we just want her to stop all of this. we want her to stop taking xanex. she promises every time but never does. and when she runs out and gets sober every month, she doesnt remember any of it.



oh i just want to pull my hair out! she just now sent me a text and said enjoy your life without me, im tired of being a third wheel! what is that supposed to mean? she is his mom, and my mil, not the third wheel. is that her way of saying she wants me out of his life so she can have him all to herself? that's really creepy! sorry for the long post. any suggestions please? just leaving her isnt the answer, so any other suggestions?

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Ashley - posted on 11/21/2012

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Thank you all for your input. Michelle, comparing her witb a toddler really helped because I havee a toddler and I do not give into him. All the same concept exxcept shes a grown woman, not my child. I am going to talk to her doctor and if she cant help we cutting ties until she is clean and sober for good, which I dont think will ever happen. But just maybe her having to do everything for herself and not being able to contact us or see the grandkids will help open her eyes. I just dobt want my kids to be hurt and hate me for this but the older 2 aree ubderstanding and know why they dont get to go to grandmas duri.g a certain time every month.thank you everyone.

Michelle - posted on 11/21/2012

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Unless you can convince her doctor not to prescribe her the drugs there's not much else you can do other than cut all contact. You'll find that most of the people that threaten suicide don't go through with it. They want the attention.



As others have said, you are enabling her. You do everything for her so why should she even want to change? She knows that sooner or later you will give in to her wants and she'll have you where she wants you.



Think of her like a toddler having a tantrum. Do you give in or stand your ground? If you stand your ground does it "kill" the toddler or just upset them for a bit? Just because this is a grown woman, doesn't mean you have to put up with her toddler tantrums. I personally would tell her to grow up and support herself. You and your fiance have a family to look after and it's not your job to look after her.

Amy - posted on 11/21/2012

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When someone suffers from an addiction there is nothing you can do. You can not control another person you can only control yourself and your reactions to them. She's not going to do anything any differently as long as you continue to enable her. As someone who has dealt with a family member with an addiction it doesn't change and eventually there isn't much you can do but cut ties to protect yourself because they will try to destroy everyone around them. Find a support group in your area:



http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Ano...

Ashley - posted on 11/20/2012

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Its not harsh, I know its just the truth. I just dont think my fiance could honesy cut off all ties as much as we want to. Hes afraid she really will kill herself then and he would only blame himself. He already found hisstepdad dead and I dont think he could handle anymore, especially if he felt it was his fault.

Dove - posted on 11/20/2012

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Your brother-in-law and his fiance are the smart ones. You can not make her stop acting like this and all you are doing is enabling her behavior. Cut her off completely or just keep dealing with it. She is an addict and she is emotionally manipulative and she will NOT stop.



Sorry, that's harsh, but I'm blunt and realistic here.



And thanks for the paragraph breaks. I had no trouble getting through it that way. :)

Ashley - posted on 11/20/2012

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thank you dove. i put it in paragraphs but it is still long. i know the police wont arrest without proof but i have seen her do it to other people and she would do it again just to make it hell for us. i think she is jealous of our relationship because he isnt as much of a momma's boy as he used to be and doesnt need her as much now, because i do all the things she used to do for him, like laundary and cooking and taking care of him when he is sick.



but just cutting her out of our lives isnt going to work. i need to find something else. she has nobody and we try extremely hard to keep her happy, but we end up being miserable because nothing is ever good enough. we love her, and she is awesome when she is sober, i just wish she would stay that way. she has no consideration for anyone else when she is on her xanex and she always makes it out to be everyone else's fault.

Dove - posted on 11/20/2012

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Paragraphs are your friend.



Sorry... I tried to read through all that, but only managed to make it to where you mil is going to call the cops and have your fiance arrested. The police will not arrest someone off of someone else's word without any evidence, so if your fiance is not doing anything arrest worthy.... ignore her.



If you can break it up into paragraphs I will read the rest, but my advice on what I read is to 100% cut this woman out of all of your lives and do it now.

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