Big Decisions

Alison - posted on 04/16/2012 ( 41 moms have responded )

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I've got 2 girls who are turning 4 and 6. When my husband and I got married, I was sure I wanted 3 kids and my husband has always had 3 as his minimum (he would prefer to have more). Once we got started, I leaned more and more towards 2. After our second baby, we agreed to put the discussion on hold for 3 years, because I knew I could not be open to having another baby before then.



We are now going on 4 years and it seems like we need to make a final decision. I am turning 37 this year. After many heartfelt conversations, my husband has not budged. He REALLY wants a third child more than anything else.



I am starting to open up to the idea, the further I look down the road, the more I can see the value in having a larger family (I want to be sure I get enough grandchildren out of the deal!). I am still really unsure and I am finding the decision hard to make, especially because typically my husband is the hard-headed one and I am the one who makes sacrifices and compromises.



So, I am starting this discussion to help me work through this big decision. Help me out ladies!

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Jenny - posted on 04/16/2012

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My husband and I have 4 sons ranging from 15 yrs to 5 months old. During our marriage it has been very much give and take between us. #1 was a beautiful oops #2 was me wanting another baby SO much! #3 was my husband wanting another baby really bad and #4 was both of us. What I'm getting at is.. when something is important to me my husband honors my wishes as long as it is not bad for the family. Likewise when I can see that something means a great deal to my hubby.. I do my best to accommodate him. May your marriage be blessed with love and understanding!

Terrie - posted on 04/16/2012

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I will say one thing, you don't want to have another child just because you want more grandchildren out of the deal. lol It sounds to me like you yourself would actually like to have another child especially if the thought of lots of grand children appeal to you. That probably means that you like children in general but it sounds like you don't know whether you are done with rasing them yourself or not. That is what you are going to have to figure out. Then when you do figure out how you really feel. You need to give it to your husband striaght. If the answer is no more children, remind him of the two beautiful children you already have and that it is just not fair for him to expect you to keep on popping out children when mentally you can't handle it. That two is enough for you. If he loves you he will be willing to live with this. Maybe not right away but he will come around. I wish you luck. Oh and it is okay that two is your limit. One was mine.

Heather - posted on 04/16/2012

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I had my third at 36. I wanted her so desperately--it was a real obstacle for us. DH said he didn't realize how much work two kids would be (originally we had agreed on 3 or 4). We were out of diapers and things were just getting easier (DS 7, DD 4). I think DH had a lot of the same worries you have--which are warranted, but not insurmountable. Baby three
is now fourteen months and the whole family enjoys her tremendously. My favorite part (aside from babyhood!) is watching her big sibs play with and take care of her. They find her adorable, amusing, and couldn't imagine life without her (same for me)! Even DH the initial skeptic says he is surprised the novelty has yet to wear off. Good luck with whatever you decide
It's a bit of a scary leap but worth it beyond articulation.

Ana - posted on 04/16/2012

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this is a personal decision. one that will last a lifetime. not just another 18 years. no one can tell you what to do.



i believe your husband, who doesn't go through any of the child birth thinks this is really easy. however, i also believe that he may be searching for a boy.



the question is, what is right for your family. how involve is your husband in the care taking? as much as i'm sure you would love this child, would this child also become your responsibilty to raise.



some people like big families and handle the task well. others have small families and handle that task well. it's all a personal decision.



good luck.

Louise - posted on 04/16/2012

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At the end of the day it is your decision as it is your body. Both sit down together and write down what a third child would bring to your family and what sacrifices would have to be made and compare notes. I have to say that here in the UK everything is geared up for a family of 4 and it is difficult to go anywhere as a 5. Luckily my sons are grown now and I am at home with my 3 year old.

It is you that will be looking after this baby and having to stay at home or organise child care, you who will have the extra cleaning and ironing to do, you that does the school trip and tends to them when there ill.

But think carefully you do not want to be left with the what if's! I had another baby after 15 years of having the last as my husband did not want any more and I did. I carried on with my life until one day the body clock was ticking really fast. I always wanted a daughter after raising two sons and luckily I had her. Now I feel complete although starting again at 38 was a shock and she is a tie sometimes. I suppose we all adapt to whatever situation is thrown at us.

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Donna - posted on 10/08/2013

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If you and your husband agreed before you married that you would have three children, you shouldn't go back on your word. He made his wishes clear. If you didn't want that many you could have moved on , & he could have found someone who agreed with his desire for a larger family. It would be different if giving birth was becoming too dangerous for your body.

Mariah - posted on 04/28/2012

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I would feel that two is enough but you know he wants a third one hoping to get his boy. and if We could choose what we had I am sure you would want to try for a third one. as the way I see it you could try for a third one but what if it a girl. I have 6 year old boy and would love to have a little girl but I can't choose the sex of my baby and I sure have my hard days with my son. Boys are hard but I hear girls are handful. I am not sure I would want 3 girls. But it should be your chose to your the one that having the baby. So if I was you I would ask him why he wants to have third one and is because he want a boy? if it is then you need to ask how feel if it was another girl because there a 50/50 change it could be.

[deleted account]

I got pregnant with my oldest, got married then 2 months after my 1st was born, got pregnant with my 2nd.....I can't say that we planned the 2 lol but they have changed our lives :) now 3 1/2 & 2 1/2 we have our boy a 7 month old......also not planned but both sets of parents weren't happy. My husband wants 6 kids. I don't mind how many we have. I really want twins still lol. I'm only 23 while hubby is 29. Right now no more kids ONLY because we live in a 2 bedroom apt, if it was a house I wouldnt mind at all.......

Good luck to you & ur family. Hope everything works out :)

Sahana - posted on 04/19/2012

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then go ahead with it. the way i imagine you two to be, espeacially after reading...



"he is DEFINITELY not looking for a boy (I kinda think he might even be hoping for another girl). He just REALLY loves kids. And that is why I fell in love with him. I think one of the big things that attracted us to each other is that family and children were top priority for both of us. At this stage, neither of our careers have really taken off, but we definitely do make gorgeous babies!



I married a man who is sometimes a mediocre husband, but always an excellent father. I really think I want to give him a chance to bring one more wonderful life into our family"



... u both are beautiful people...go ahead...we'll see the later, later.

All the best! :)

Alison - posted on 04/19/2012

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I have definitely not made up my mind yet. The thought of having another baby is very exciting, but I'm gonna wait it out at least one hormonal cycle before making any irreversible decisions. ;)

Bernadette - posted on 04/19/2012

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Cheri - if you re-read my comment, you'll see that I did acknowledge that things change. Also that I said it is impossible to really decide for certain how many kids before you've had any, as you have no idea how you'll actually cope. I also said that it's a partnership, and that the should have a 'say', not that because he made it clear he wanted more that you have signed an unbreakable deal that you now have to go through with, like it or not. But both partners' reasons for wanting/not wanting more have to be considered.

Sharon - posted on 04/18/2012

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I think you may have made your mind up already and you are wondering if it's the right one. If its your decision then it automatically is right for you. We all make decisions that others wouldn't.

Alison - posted on 04/18/2012

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Yes, adoption has come up. But I find the idea less enticing than another pregnancy.

Spring - posted on 04/18/2012

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Has the topic of adoption come up yet? It is another thing to think about in this process. Nothing says you have to get pregnant to have a third child.

Sharon - posted on 04/18/2012

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We always said we would have 2 children but one plan and 2 surprises later I find myself the mother of 3 lovely little men. We made the decision while I was expecting our 3rd that it would be our last pregnancy and I had a tl st the birth I'd our 3rd. I was sectioned on all 3.

So what I'm

Trying to say us while we had said we wanted only 2. We are both so happy to have3. it isdifficultwhen both of you want different things and there is no happy medium you either have a 3rd child or you don't. Don't feel pressured into having another as that could lead to other problems in the future. Wish you luck with your decision.

Tricia - posted on 04/18/2012

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You have to be pregnant and deliver the baby!!! So the final decision has to be YOURS!!!! When men start having babies then decision can be theirs!!!! Just saying!!!!

Deanna - posted on 04/18/2012

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Having more children is a joint decision. He can not force you to have another if you are questioning it. That is not right. Take a bit more time to really think about it. Another year won't hurt. You really need to be sure or you could end up resenting that child.
Take some more time to think about and don't be forced into it. A forced child can ruin a marriage. Take your time. You need to be sure. Children are a blessing and should stay that way. Not something forced on us because out husband wants another one.
Good luck!! And don't regret whichever choice you make.

Cheri - posted on 04/18/2012

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Bernadette-I can see your point, but also sometimes things change. What we want now may not be what we want 10 years from now. I never made nor accepted any promises of how many kids to have in my marriage. We discussed having kids, and he knew I wanted 5, I knew he wanted 2 and we compromised. But we never said "definitely" because honestly, we can't predict the future. Having an ultimatum like that would have destroyed our marriage. Life can change at any point, and people have the right to change their minds on things.My husband brings up (occasionally, then we come back to reality) having 5th child. I, since my marriage, changed my mind. I do not want another child, as our family is complete. I would be very upset if my husband came back and said "NO, you must have another child now, you said you wanted 5" People have every right to change their minds and marriage is about compromise and commitment. These things can be discussed prior to the marriage til you're blue in the face, but I have learned that nothing in life is a guarantee and sometimes things change. If your husband told you he didn't want that many kids, then yes, I could see what you mean about not marrying him int he first place. But if you talked about it and he said "yeah, I think I'd like 3 kids" but something changed? Then that's a right he had...he didn't "lie", something just changed.

Cheri - posted on 04/18/2012

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Let me tell you a very true story.



My husband wanted only ONLY 3 kids. ONLY. In fact, he preferred 2, but because *I* wanted 5 kids, we'd agreed on 3.



I got pregnant................with triplets.



My husband would have probably died if all 3 had made it. When triplet C passed away, we were left with twins. My husband would make little jabs about "Well maybe we'll just have 1" and it really really hurt my feelings. I had already lost ONE baby, and we knew he only wanted 3 total, and having twins would make 4 kids. Eventually, though, he came around and accepted the fact that we were going to have twins and that was that.



How would you feel if you get pregnant with twins? You're 37 which means you are at a higher risk of this happening.....No one wants to "plan" for this, or would even expect this could be an issue. You might want to think about what could happen IF you were blessed with more than 1.



It really is a risk factor and because you're not sure, you may want to sit down and discuss.



I'm not trying to discourage you....if you want another child, by all means, you should have one. BUT I want you to know that with the abundance of twin pregnancies going on, and the fact I am 'that mom' who had an unexpected multiple pregnancy, coupled with your current age, this is a very large possibility. Would you still be as open knowing this? If so, I say GO FOR IT! If not, I'd say think a little longer.

Ronda - posted on 04/17/2012

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You know your heart, and his. Babies are a blessing and in my family it's wonderful to know there are so many of us :-) :-) it actually seems weird when there's only one or two kids home, to each her own. Good luck.

Nicola - posted on 04/17/2012

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I think each mum knows her limit. Ask yourself, in 10 years would I regret not having a third?
You could always stop using contraception and "see what happens".
I found the jump to 3 harder cause you only have two hands and 3 kids who need their "hands held". If you're up for the challange go for it!!! (from a mother with 5 kids)

Alison - posted on 04/17/2012

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I'm just going to ignore that multiples comment... (multiples freak me out!!!)

To answer several posts... he is DEFINITELY not looking for a boy (I kinda think he might even be hoping for another girl). He just REALLY loves kids. And that is why I fell in love with him. I think one of the big things that attracted us to each other is that family and children were top priority for both of us. At this stage, neither of our careers have really taken off, but we definitely do make gorgeous babies!

I married a man who is sometimes a mediocre husband, but always an excellent father. I really think I want to give him a chance to bring one more wonderful life into our family...

Melissa - posted on 04/17/2012

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Another thing to consider . . . the older you are, the higher the possibility of there being a multiple pregnancy, or a problem with the pregnancy or the child. I was 36 when my twins were born, and they were a complete surprise - no history of twins, no fertility, etc. Luckily, we didn't have any problems, but it is something to think about. I researched it a bit, and there is only a 1% chance of having twins, but the percentages don't matter if you are that 1%. :)

Yurena - posted on 04/17/2012

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Hi, I was in a similar situation. I always wanted 3. When I was pregnant with my second child I knew that was it, that my family was complete. This was just before I turned 30. Do you feel like that? Luckily my husband didn't give me grief about it. Specially cos I'm with the kids ALL the time (12 1/2 h when they are awake, plus if they wake in the night), do the house, meals, everything. My family lives abroad, he only has 2 family members but they can't be bothered to be there for the kids much, so it was gonna be us or me pretty much anyway. Things to think about: can you afford it? could you cope with a third? would the new child fit with the girls? there would be a gap between the ages, and the third would be a child to take care of/avoid when they are teenagers; more importantly, do you really want a third child? Cos as much as I respect that you 'discussed' it and that your husband was 'clear' about it, it is a person's life you are deciding on, not a new car. I wouldn't plan on a new child if it wasn't in my heart, no matter what. I wonder if your husband is just looking for the boy? Good luck whatever you decide, x.

Bernadette - posted on 04/17/2012

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You went into the marriage agreeing that that's how many you would have. My husband and I agreed on AT LEAST three long before we got married, and now we've got two and he says things like "If we have another one" and I'll say "WHEN we have another one" and he'll say "we'll see". Hell no, there is no "we'll see", we agreed long before getting married and he knew all along that this is something I've ALWAYS wanted and, to tell the truth, if I'd known beforehand that he didn't that would have been a deal breaker for me and I wouldn't have gone ahead the marriage if he made it clear he wanted no more and wasn't prepared to budge on it. I know that situations change, and that can make you change your mind (really, it is hard to make a decision like that before you've had kids, because you have no idea beforehand how much it will change your life) but you need to remember that it is a partnership and while it's your body, he should also get a say. Especially as you had previously agreed on it. If you have strong reasons as to why not, explain them to him and ask him to be understanding.

Regina - posted on 04/17/2012

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If it something YOU want to do go a head hun otherwise if it just for ure husband are u going to have regerts if you go ahead with it for him think long and hard hun

Pamela - posted on 04/17/2012

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I vote for 3 or more, but then I am biased as I have 3! LOL!!!

As for the grandchildren-to-be......be careful with that one. My sons are 42, nearly 32 and 34 and the youngest one just got married. No grandchildren yet. I keep hoping to have some before i"m 90! LOL!!! So don't count your grandchildren before they hatch....so to speak! LOL!!!

The highest and best to you and yours as you make this decision to expand....or not!

Ebere - posted on 04/16/2012

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Were your previous pregnancies difficult? Can you financilally handle a 3rd? It wouldn't be soo bad to have another kid.. It seems 3 kids was the compromise reached initially between you having fewer kids and him wanting more kids.. Its a decision for you and hubby to make..I wish you luck but if it were me, as long as I'm healthy, and can financially handle a 3rd, why not? The more the merrier

Theresa - posted on 04/16/2012

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Hi there! I'm on the other end of the stick lol. My husband and I have 2 gorgeous daughters not quite 2 and not quite 4 and I want another baby, but I want them close enough that when I finish with bottles/nappies etc I am done for good, not just for a couple of years...I would like to have another 1 now since I feel I am getting too old (I am 33 lol) but my hubby is 8 years younger than me so age isn't a worry for him : ) I would dearly love to try only 1 more time to have a son and have told hime I'm happy to have my tubes tied after 1 more. 3 is the limit no matter what! I know what you are going through and I guess my thoughts are that you BOTH have to want it, after all YOU are the one that has to carry the child etc. I don't know if that's much help but I do know what you're feeling...

Rachael - posted on 04/16/2012

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I got pregnant with my third child only 3 months after my 2nd was born. He was not planned but has made a beautiful addition to our family. I think if you do decide to have a 3rd you won't regret it. Yes, it may change a few things but like when you have your first it is all for the better.

Rhonda - posted on 04/16/2012

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Probably not the most popular decision on this site, but you really have to go with your heart! I love both my husband and the 2 children I have. But that was definitely enough for me. I work full time, have a successful career, but also try to be there for my children. I feel that I can balance this, but no more. ( We do not even have pets!!) I guess ultimately you will know what your heart can handle. Trust your gut & you'll do what's best for you!

Alexandra - posted on 04/16/2012

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I am sorry I cannot give you the right or wrong answer. Only you and your husband know what is best for your family. And only you know what is best for you, since you are the one to be carying the baby around in your body and after birth.
I so wished to have a fourth child, it's not even funny! So, for me, it would be a no brainer, haha.
Good luck.

Elaina - posted on 04/16/2012

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if he's willing to help, and you can manage to fit in a 3rd, financially, I say go for it. there are only a couple adorable, young years until they seem to be all grown up.

LeeAnn - posted on 04/16/2012

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You still have time I'm actually 39 having my third and very excited but in my experience it is far more difficult a pregnancy now than with my first two in my twenties. Your husband will help you and that makes things easier for you. Whatever you decide you have two wonderful children and that may be enough for you...

Suzanna - posted on 04/16/2012

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I had 2 children when my husband I married. We discussed how many we wanted before we got married. I have always wanted a large family, my husband agreed, although he would prefer fewer children, that having several children would be fine. After having our first child together, he decided that was enough, and did not want any more (mainly because his parents are adamantly against large families!) He was unwilling to take any measures towards insuring that we had no more children, so I wound up having 3 more pregnancies after that, for a total of 6 pregnancies. He was not thrilled about the my 4th pregnancy (his 2nd) but came to grips with it before the baby was born. My 5th pregnancy, he was so upset about he waited several weeks to tell his parents about it! I wound up having a miscarriage when I was about 16 weeks into the pregnancy. Ironically, the miscarriage happened the day after he told his parents (his parents don't even remember anything about the pregnancy or miscarriage!) My 6th pregnancy, he was so upset about, he refused to even tell his parents because he was afraid of their reaction; he insisted I tell them. Their reaction was not pretty! At any rate, he has come to love and adore our youngest, who has him wrapped around her little finger! She was born just a month before my 44th birthday! I have NEVER regretted any of my pregnancies! I could not imagine my life without any of my children.

Alison - posted on 04/16/2012

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My husband's most recent point is that both of us have grown since our last child was born and so has our marriage. So maybe I am fearing the worst instead of hoping for the best.

Terina - posted on 04/16/2012

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me too but i agree with sonmeone elses post it has to be mutual i see why its such a hard decission its not just one or two things . all i can say is i wish you all the best in your decission :-)

Alison - posted on 04/16/2012

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Terina, there are so many reasons...

* finances
* space
* pregnancy
* infancy
* organization
* stress management

I just know that if the roles were reversed, I would be so disappointed. It seems like my husband sees this as his purpose - to give life to a third child. It means more to him than his career or any of his other personal aspirations. I really admire that.

Terina - posted on 04/16/2012

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what is your biggest concern about hving a third? is it financial, room , or just generally going through another pregancy and labour?

Katherine - posted on 04/16/2012

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Is it something YOU want or something you want to do for your husband? If it's something you want then go for it. But don't just do it for your husband, it should be a mutual decision. I'm 37 too. I have 2 children also. I want another but I'm single so it's just not in the cards for me right now.



It's really YOUR decision.

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