Bio Dads

Evelyn - posted on 12/18/2012

There is a woman that I personally have known for years now. She has an only child, girl. The girl is an adult now but it was just a few years ago that the bio dad decided to start sending support after 14 or 15 years of having nothing to do with her or even trying to find out about her. When he found out he was to be a dad, he was married to my friend. He blamed my friend for cheating on him but I knew better than that. He basically abandoned them both. When the girl was born she was given her mother's maiden name and he was not listed on the birth certificate at all. He eventually went to jail some years later for a crime that did not allow him around minors. He had a cousin who married one of my friend's cousins. THis cousin offered to be the go between and take the girl to see her bio father etc. My friend would have nothing to do with it. Of course the girl had questions and so on. After she knew about him she planned on going to find him and see him. We tried to tell her that he might not want to see her at all. She would not listen. Also shortly after that, my friend went to have some things done and met his new wife. According to this new wife, they had a child a girl making this baby my friend's daughter's half sister. THe best part of this whole thing is that they did not have custody of the child and my friend's daughter found out about that kid and planned on going to see her sister who was in the custody of grandparents. We all tried to tell this girl of my friend that she might have to wait until her sister was 18 before she could see her and then she might not want to see her. Now, this girl of my friend is now 19 or 20 and still has not gone to find her bio dad.

Kristen - posted on 12/18/2012

Erin,

Your comment wasn't cold. My husband and I have been together since she was two. She didn't even know that bio existed until baby mama sent her a message. I hope see does see through his bs, i think she is reaching out to him because he is a new idea. I have no tolerance for deadbeats and he is a huge one. His baby mama is #5. He has five kids by five different woman, no job, no car and no money. I try to tolerate him because of her interest but seriously....He claims that he has been clean for over a year and has changed, and for some reason my daughter believes him. I don't but we have a meeting set for this weekend so hopefully she will meet him and see what a waste of space he is

Erin - posted on 12/18/2012

Yuck! Has she asked him why he never had ANY sort of contact? I'm sorry...I'm sure my comment sounded cold. But I have no tolerance for deadbeat dads! And the thought of him bringing in his baby mama is lame! Have u had any 'good' long term relationships where ur daughter would've had the "father role" in her life? Sounds like she's reaching for the bio bc maybe she doesn't have that.... ?? Just a thought.
Hopefully she has a good head on her shoulders & will see through the b.s.
Good luck

MissLedi - posted on 12/17/2012

I also think you should let them meet, and NO, its not your duty to drive her to his place - the least he can do is find transportation to a public place.
You know what? Relax, dude already proving to be a d-bag. And your daughter would just get to see that for herself pretty soon.

Kristen - posted on 12/17/2012

Thank you ladies,
I'm trying to set up a public meet.

Andrea - posted on 12/17/2012

Tell her you will go with her to meet him in a public place and keep enough distance show she can speak with him privately. Explain that because HD has not shown any concern or given any support previously, you are concerned about his motives. Too many times, such "dared" try to convince nearly grown children that they were wronged and kept from the child and then try to get them on their side by giving them alcohol, drugs, etc. Zane then trying to get money or other favors. In some extreme cases, the dads seduce or pimp out the daughters. I would not deliver her to a private residence. If he is not full of apologies to you and her and offering to pay for college with something tangible to show for it, there is no hope of this being positive, esp with him making noise on Facebook. He still has no consideration for you or her. His "wanting" to meet her could simply be to prove he has an interest in her. Giving her substances at a private residence or having her surrounded with no way to get away would not be good. Perhaps you could take your daughter to a family counselor as a neutral advisory and insist that anyy first meeting be with the counselor after that.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/17/2012

Yes proceed with caution. Give him a time and place, and if he shows up, great. Make it public.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/17/2012

I would let them meet. I was in a similiar circumstance where I had never met my dad. I started trying to search for him secretly, and I gave up. What happened? He died. I never met him. This is her bio father. They have every right to meet eachother. Plus she is almost and adult. If she wants to meet him, she will. Instead of being up front about it, she will sneak behind your back. Wouldn't you rather be there and support her and see what kind of man he turned out to be rather than her sneak off on her own and know nothing about it?

Kristen - posted on 12/17/2012

THank you all for your comments,
Erin, No he has not paid support or had any contact.
He has no job and no car and wants me to bring her to his baby mama #5's house for the meet. I have told him to meet us in a public place and leave her home, but he wants her to be there. He is running his mouth on face book about lawyers and rights that he lost 15 years ago. Yet my daughter still wants the meet, so i guess I proceed with caution

Ashley - posted on 12/16/2012

if she wants to meet him, let her. if not, dont make her. let it be her decision. she is old enough to know what she wants, and make her own decisions. if she wants to and you dont let her, she will probably find a way to anyway. and it will cause problems between you two.

Chinelo - posted on 12/15/2012

In my opinion,I feel you should let them meet, no matter what it is,or no matter wt myt v hapnd,he is still her biological father,its best u let dem meet now,so dt she won't blame u tomoro..just relax ur mind ok.d more u get relaxed d more u build you build your confidence on the issue..wiv that you will continue gainnin her trust as alwaz.

Julie - posted on 12/15/2012

Your daughter has a right to meet with him if she wants to , if she wishes to and your demand she dorsnt she may resent you for it and could possibly meet him anyway behind your back in ehich case if things go badly wrong she wont be inclined to turn to you for support driving a huge wedge between you .. Ask her her feelings and suggest scenarios of a possible meet , maybe go with her as support ,maybe from a distance .. Or you could speak to het bio and ask him his long term intentions ,more than anything else be there to pick up the pieces should things go wrong and support her everystep of the way .. X

Lacye - posted on 12/15/2012

Ultimately, it is going to be her decision as to if she wants to see him or not. If she wants to see him and get some answers for herself, then step back and let her. It's going to happen eventually, whether now or later after she is 18 and you have no choice in the matter.

Jen - posted on 12/15/2012

Unfortunately as she is 17, there's really little you can do to stop her. So that being teh case, support her, tell her your concerns but let her know that you love her and will be there for her no matter what.

Erin - posted on 12/15/2012

17?!?!? What a d-bag...sorry, but seriously what sort of an excuse could he possibly have that would come close to good enough? None. All the work for raising her is almost complete...so he doesn't have to do anything. Has he been paying any child support? I assume not.
Honestly I think it was a jerk move on his part... And you should talk to him.

Kristen - posted on 12/14/2012

Thank you Michelle.

Michelle - posted on 12/14/2012

Seeing as how your daughter is 17 I would discuss with her the pros and cons of meeting this man and then leaving the decision up to her. If you stop her she will just wait until she is of age and do it except now she will be mad at you for not letting her.