Bio-mom says: "You dont have to listen to her because she's not your mom" Argh!!

Monica - posted on 08/31/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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A little history: 3 years with my husband (we just got married in July) and have been helping him raise his 4 children (now ages 6, 7, 9, 12). Moved in together in June after I bought a house. Bio-Mom has not been in the childrens lives much in the last 3 years due to drug issues and being in jail....

Bio-mom is getting out of jail this weekend and the last few months has been talking to the kids more and seeing them (visitation in jail) more.

I have been having issues with the kids more and more recently. Acting out, not respecting me or the house rules. Father has been really supportive and backs our rules with me.

Found out this morning that Bio-mom has been telling them they don't have to listen to me because Im not their mom. Ouch.

After raising them the last 3 years, seeing the youngest off on her first day of kindergarten, holding them when they cry cause they miss their mom, did school shopping this year all by myself, just being there and supporting them.. this hurts!

Advice? How do you get through rebelious kids? How to deal with Bio-parents disrespecting you? My most trouble child is the 7 year old daughter

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Cindy - posted on 09/05/2009

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That is awsome and extremely important that you have the support of your husband,

I married my husband over ten years ago, his children where 9, 10, and 13 my children where 8, 10, and 13 five girls one boy we now have an 18, 19, two 21, two 23 it has not been an easy road even though you are the Mom in your home you will never fully be thier Mom, they will give you credit in the future for teaching them certian things and know that you have loved and cared for them and maybe some will call you Mom but most important is that God has put you and your husband together to raise these children and they will value what you do for them more and more as time goes on. Our children call us thier "parents" Genetics is HUGE being good parents is reall really hard.

May God bless all your efforts, Cindy Kinney Stanwood, Wa.

Becky - posted on 09/04/2009

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This is absolutely REDICULOUS! You have raised these kids while the "bio-mom" is missing in action (drugs, jail). As far as I am concerned, you are the MOM, plain as can be. My parents divorced when I was 5... my step-dad raised me and my 3 brothers as though we were his own... I am 32 now and things have not changed... when I think of a DAD, my step-dad is the one who pops into my head... not my BIO-DAD. Just cause you can make a baby doesn't make you a parent. Oh yeah, I am also a mom to 3 biological children! Just continue to love and nurture them. Good luck and Kudos to you for all you've done!!

Kathy - posted on 09/04/2009

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My older daughter, now 26, tried to pull that on my husband when she was young (we got married when she was 4). I told her simply that he may not be her biological father but he's the father figure in this house (& he is also her sister's father) so because of that she DOES have to listen to him. I never told her bio father about this because I felt it was something to handle in my home (he did find out though because I asked his sister about if she ever dealt w/this & she was talking to my daughter when she went back on vacation & explaining how she did need to listen to him - for the same reasons I stated). This needs to come from their father. He needs to be the one to tell them that you are the woman of the household & their mother figure so they do need to listen to you.

Astrid - posted on 09/03/2009

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My husband is not the biological father of my 11 year old daughter. We have three other children together, so the story is not really the same.

But my the bio-father of my daughter makes jokes about my husband and the other childeren and disrespects my husband and me in front of her which is very confusing for my daughter.

But my husband is very patient, he always says don't worry when she gets older she will know, and it's true because now my daughter really is fantastic, she knows the value of a real father eventhough she loves her bio-father very much. And I support her even when sometimes that's very difficult. But I also don't lie to her, she understands that what her father does is not right. She tells me that the difference is so big that's it's like she lives two lives. And then I tell her "I'm very sorry for that but I can not change anything about it, I can only be there for you to love you and to support you." And that's enough for her, to know that I understand why she acts difficult sometimes but she feels save that I don't accept that kind of behaviour.

Because that's what children teach us even when they're not our bio-kids, to set bounderies. They need those bounderies and to feel that you catch them when they fall.

They act difficult now because they are confused, they want to "obay" their bio-mom, she is already having a difficult time being in prison and all... they don't see that she did that to herself, so the feel that the way they can show they are loving her is by being difficult to you. They don't really mean that, but that's the only way of expressing themselves now. If you show understanding but still be firm about the rules they will respect you, even if they don't show it now.

It will hurt you, but you will be rewarded for it. and it's a very good thing that your husband backs you up, at least you can be unreasonable to him when it all gets to much :-)!

I admire you for what you are doing!! It's not easy to raise 4 kids (I know :-)) and even harder when they're not yours (I know in some way they are). So keep up the good work, I already sent you a lot of love to back you up!!!

Virginia - posted on 09/03/2009

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always believe in yourself and your dreams dont ever doubt yourself keedpositive you have the potential now gook look friend love

Alena - posted on 09/02/2009

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I am the step-mother of a 13 year old and have been for almost 10 years now. I have had the same problem and it is worse because my husband has no legal rights to his daughter (She is not really his but he has raised her since she was 3 months old) so it is hard on us about discipline and so forth. I should say it was hard. She has lived with us for over a year now. I finally had enough and told her mom it was my house and my rules. Too bad if she didn't like it. I treat her as one of my own (I have 3 more girls of my own). Sometimes mouths run but I don't care. Her mother doesn't really have a place of her own and hasn't for about 3 years now, so what is she going to say.

I have found that alot of the time if I just stand up for myself and the way I raise these girls, all calms down because she realizes we are doing nothing wrong. Your husband's ex needs to realize what you have done for her. She needs to keep in mind that the kids could be in the foster system if it weren't for you. (That's if they don't have better family). You have done her such a huge favor by being a parent of those children. Don't get down on yourself either. I used to. You are doing your best and should be proud of yourself. I have much respect for a step parent that takes care of the kids as their own. I have been a child with a step parent and am one myself. My husband has no bio kids of his own. I hope my rambling has helped.

Tamika - posted on 09/02/2009

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Its up to your husband to set her stright and the kids, if not wash your hands.

Julie - posted on 09/02/2009

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As a mom that comes from a divorced family and being divorced myself - it sounds liek your hubby is GREAT!!!!! I would suggest counseling for all the children - it give them an outlet w/o judgement or anger. I went as a teen and my kids have gone due to my own divorce and it helps a TON!

Lisa - posted on 09/02/2009

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Wow, now I know what deja vu feels like. I have been through the exact same issues except my stepchildren were 10, 12 & 13(the 4th was 18 married and on the run from foster care). I even had a good relationship with the bio-Mom and still got the attitude. I don't know if the Bio-Mom said anything to them, but I would often get the "you're not my Mom so I don't have to listen to you" response. After many frustrating moments I came up with this response,"you're right honey I'm not your Mom, you have a great Mom, but THIS is my house and you do have to follow my rules." I know that kids can say really hurtful things, but hang in there. Ours are all over 18 and we have a great relationship. Now that they are older they can appriciate the circumstances and the sacrafices we made for them. It may feel like a long road, but the pay-off is well worth it.

Sharon - posted on 08/31/2009

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They don't have to listen to you because you aren't the bio-mom - she's kinda right. BUT you are an adult and they will respect you and listen to you because you are older and wiser. If they don't follow the rules they will suffer the consequences.



Why didn't your husband have her rights anulled while she was in jail?



Get the other kids, the older kids to back you. When they do as told be sure to reward them, maybe a little extensively in the beginning and make sure the punishment sticks to the errant child.



You can't do anything about bio-parents not respecting you, even when they take off for weekends using the child support money instead of paying their phone bill & electric bill leaving the kids with a man they don't know who is later proved to be a pedophile. There isn't CRAP you can do. We eventually lost our SS to his mom and her "there are no consequences" lifestyle. It kills my husband every time his birthday or fathers day rolls around but we tried as much as the law would allow and the courts won.



Good luck.



Sorry had to edit the first paragraph to make some sense of the last sentence.

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