birth family has contacted my adopted child on facebook

Renee - posted on 01/16/2010

My opinion is that it is wrong wrong wrong of them to contact her. You are her mother and they have no legal rights to her. Until she is 18 you should block their attempts to contact her. Then it will be her decision alone. I would not trust them.

Brittany - posted on 01/16/2010

I don't have any suggestions for right now. This is a very difficult thing for a 16-year-old to go through and try to make a decisions about. But I do have a suggestion about the future.

I didn't find out who my bio-dad was until I was 10. And although I was raised my entire life by my step-dad and I actually visited my bio-dad, I always felt somewhat abandoned. And over the years the communication has been, well, very poor between my bio-dad and I. But I found him and my sisters on FB. And as a mother now, I feel its more important than ever to know who he is. You know, going to doctor with your kids and filling out family medical history and you really don't know if there's a history of cancer or diabetes or mental illness or whatever. Even for that reason alone, I think its important to one day really find out what's in your genes.

I hope that one day she'll be able to do that, but right now, I know its a fragile subject for her. Its still touchy for me sometimes. But I'm glad she was able to come to you and tell you how she feels. That's something I never did and so I never went through therapy to cope. I just kind of figured it out on my own. But she shouldn't have to.

Samantha - posted on 01/16/2010

I am so glad to hear that was comfortable enough to come to you about this. Unfortunately, alot of what happens in this situation will be your daughter's decision, which can leave her feeling guilty or upset, and second guessing herself.



I hope you two can talk it over, and that she can come to a decision about whether she wants to continue this contact with them, or block it. If she chooses to block it, and they try to harass her into contacting them, contact DFCS.



No child should have to deal with situations like this if they're not ready to.



It sounds like you and your daughter have made a great relationship out of a difficult past. I hope none of the issues with her birth family damage her relationship with you now, or any other part of her life.

Angie - posted on 01/16/2010

I have considered contacting DFCS but so far, they have left her alone when she told them to. She has had a rough time dealing with her past and after many years of therapy she is doing remarkably well. I'd hate to see all of her progress and hard work to be disrupted. I feel fortunate that she felt comfortable enough to bring this to our attention and come and talk to us about it. I made her an appointment with her regular therapist to talk it over.

I am not sure what they want at this time..she did ask in a response to one of their request, why they would want to have contact with her now when no one was there to protect her when she was young..but she didn't get a reply!

Thanks for all the advice and thanks for listening!!

Angie

Signe - posted on 01/16/2010

HI Angie
I am sorry you and your daughter has been put in such an awkward situation. My guess is your daughter would like to be heard in this, but do consider the amount of trauma that the bio-family might have caused her in the past. Only you can tell how your daughter is doing with all this.
I do agree with Krista that contacting DFCS (the new name for CPS) is a good idea. Perhaps even the case worker your daughter has or had. There must be something on file regarding what terms were agreed to when you adopted her. If they are in violation, they need to be reported.
I wish you the best,
Signe

Krista - posted on 01/16/2010

I would consider contacting CPS and seeing what they advise. I'm sure they've dealt with this problem before, and they can perhaps contact the birth family so that your daughter doesn't feel like she's stuck in the middle.

Ashley=) - posted on 01/16/2010

If your daughter is uncomfortable then block them.I guess all contact is cut off with her birth parents because you have adopted her?i don't think personally she needs them in her life and i would be very careful in what she decides.You need to let your child no how you feel also .She is 16 and i hope she is able to understand she has everything is needs in her life already.Ask her what does she feel.I think anyone who treats there child like this has some nerve trying to get back into her life.The need nothing from her and she most definitely needs nothing from them.Good luck to you both.

Kathy - posted on 01/16/2010

My advise is that she's 16. I assume that you've already taught her by now all of the skills she needs to know pertaining to judging people. I have adopted both of my nephews ages 6 & 10. Their Mother only contacts them now because she's in jail. If she wasn't in jail then these kids would NOT matter to her. From one adoptive Mother to another I know it hurts to think that there is a possibility that the child will flee back to the "birth family." But, you must accept in your heart that you've taught your 16 year old about real love and about a real family and about unconditional love and her love for you will never fade or change. Contact with her birth family might her learn a little about her roots and when you're 16 and trying to figure out who you are it just might help out a whole lot. I believe at 16 she's old enough to decide if she wants to talk to her birth family or not and it's really not your decision as a parent. I would monitor the situation but, I would try not to make it a big topic for her or pressure her either way to talk to them or not. Good luck. You did a wonderful thing adopting her out of a horrid situation and I am sure she is a well rounded individual now and she does understand that your love for her will never change.

Rebecca - posted on 01/16/2010

Block them if they aren't going through the proper procedures. If you had something set up and they refuse to use it then don't allow them to contact her any other way. If your daughter wishes to talk to them and is not upset by it then maybe monitor it for a bit to see how it goes and be open with your daughter about the situation. How long has it been since thye last made contact with ehr before now?

Jackie - posted on 01/16/2010

can she not block them on facebook until she is either older or ready to deal with them [ if she ever does] and if she really doesnt can you report them ?? just keep talking to her and find out how she wants things to go..sorry if its all obvious advice or not helpful....hope all works out

Jane - posted on 01/16/2010

What is it that they want?