Blended Family Issues

Rosie - posted on 12/25/2009

he should be speaking with the childs mother about this, this is ridiculous!!! but also at the same time your husband is HER FATHER, and as her father he has the right to be called dad and should demand that from his daughter. it sounds completely ridiculous to me that someone would not want their own child to call their father dad(even if they are divorced it doesn't change the fact that he is her father, and his ex should know better). it doesn't really sound like a blended family issue to me, it sounds like his ex has a corn cob up her bum! why confuse a child? this just really irritates me. sometimes after hearing these stories i'm glad that my ex has nothing to do with his son adn gave up his parental rights to my husband.

Gwen - posted on 12/22/2009

Speaking from experience, YOU should not be addressing any issues directly with her Mom. Her father is the only person who should be discussing important issues or decisions with her mother (education, medical, religion, etc.).

Others have given you good advice. You can not control what goes on in her mother's home. Take the high road and always demonstrate strong morals and the benefits of a stable, loving family. She will form her own opinions as she grows up. Kids are smart. They will figure it out without any input from us!

Amy - posted on 12/22/2009

Depending on the age of the child and what she understands, she must always know who her father is regardless of what her mother says. You should continue to encourage her to refer to her dad as "dad" . She may be confused for a while, but she will at some point realize and understand the truth. If the step daughters mom is rational enough to talk to you may want to confront her head on and help her to realize that she is not only making things difficult for your husband but more so for the child. She has a daddy that can never be replaced but at the same time can have other half or step family members that can love her in a great degree and that you, your husband, and children deserve the same respect, for lack of a better term, as she expects for her new husband and his children.

Crystal - posted on 12/21/2009

You can address it but chances are it won't change her mind and just make her more determined. I grew up in a blended family and we were told to call my step father dad. Did fine it shows respect but it didn't mean anything because we had to do it wasn't a choice. If it was a choice it would be better. Now I have a blended family of my own my ex husband for the first few years we seperated and divorced that was all he would say is how they are never to call anyone else daddy or mommy. Well fact of the matter is they are kids and kids relate better to adults given that title. My kids my husband by his name and every so often they call him daddy by their choice. We have had the talk with them and they are young still that he is not taking the place of their dad but he will be a dad figure and if they want to call him that it is fine and their choice. Now we have one together the title DAD is used all the time they know he is not their dad but they call him that because this is their sister and it is her dad and he is their daddy to because he spends the quality time with them he supports them he does everything a dad does and should do so why not. They know not to call him dad in front of their daddy though and they have done that and well their dad can just deal with it. And over time it has gotten better. Just make her feel wanted and welcome and that you are all a family and you may not be her mother but it is okay because you are a mommy figure and if she wants to call you that it is okay. Your the mommy of her brother half or whatever he is her brother either way and that is how your related. It is perfectly fine to feel love for everyone and tell her you think of her as a daughter it will make a differance and she will make up her mind on her own.

Angel - posted on 12/20/2009

I would take it up with the mom directly...I have a friend whose husband has two children from his prior marriage. My friend and her husband have one child together. They have experienced major issues with the ex-wife and ended up going to family counseling for several months. Now all parents involved are on the same page and the entire family seems to be functioning happier and healthier. It's a win, win situation.

Dora - posted on 12/20/2009

My husband & I have his, mine and ours also. This is how we handle it with our 3 oldest daughters. I will start with my oldest. First off you are not going to change her mother's mind. She is trying to mentally distance his daughter from both of you. My daughter was not allow to call my husband daddy around her my ex, but was allowed to call my ex-husbands 3 wives mommy. I tried to explain to him that she just wants family who ever she is with at the time. This did not change his attitude at all. So, just focus on his daughter. Love her, let her know you are family and you don't use the word step at all, that your husband is her daddy and that he loves her very much. My husband told by daughter that she is half Smith (ex's last name), half Rose (my maiden name) and all the Perry (my husband's last name) she wants to be. My husband has been in her life since she was six. All 3 girls are now in their 20's & we are mom & dad to all of them. They love & repect us because of the love & understanding we gave to them. As she gets older she will see the differents between the 2 households and she will love you even more for it. Just don't argue with her mother, she will eventually hang herself in the decisions she is making now and she will regret it later. Have patience.

Summer - posted on 12/20/2009

I have had this same issue in my family. My ex-mom-n-law told me that my husband, the one raising my first son, was not blood, therefore not REAL family. Well, until she gets her head on straight she is not a good roll model for my son. You and your husband need to stand together and help her understand that what you have together make a family... love and respect. Blood does not equal family! hang in there and make sure you teach your daughter this. Good luck

Amanda - posted on 12/19/2009

This is a difficult question, I don't think there could be only one right answer and I think you have addressed well so far. I am a person inclined to confront so I would probably try to address the biological mother directly on this. However it does not sound like she is rational! A mother who puts the emotional security and needs of her children first would not be self centered and inconsistent in her rules of titles of those surrounding the child. It is most likely that she will NOT be open to seeing things from your perspective since she has not demonstrated being able to see things from the child's perspective in this. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Just don't expect much.

Angie - posted on 12/19/2009

I know exactally how you feel! We're going through the SAME thing! Let me know if you figure out a solution, cause I sure can't! Lol I wish people wouldn't use the kids out of their own spite! Keep your head up and just love her the same as your own....she'll form her own oppinions....they always do anyway sooner or later.

Sharon - posted on 12/19/2009

You're doing the right thing. You can't fix stupid and his ex is stupid.

Continue to deal with the child directly. She has no right to dictate what is said and done in your home. Telling the child what to think & feel is just one more way for her to continue to meddle with & control things that aren't hers to control.

Kevlyn - posted on 12/19/2009

i would take this issue up with her mom directly b/c a child is taught to obey there parents and if one parent is telling a child one thing and the other parent telling the childs something different this may become confusing to the child...

Jodi - posted on 12/19/2009

I have a quote that I use all the time with our blended family, and I have also repeated it to all the children:

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood but one of respect and joy in each other's lives."



I have this hanging with a family photograph in my lounge - a "full" family photograph with all the kids. We are a blended family too, with his, mine and ours. This is the philosophy we live by every single day. What goes on in their other homes, we cannot control that, so we don't try. But we can have some control over the values in our own home, and this is the one we choose.