Boyfriend with kids from a past relationship

Keywanda - posted on 10/12/2012

am im wrong for kicking my boyfriend out the house for spending time with.his baby mother on her.bday. but he tld.me.he was going to work. how i caught.him.i.got off work.earlg

TK - posted on 09/27/2012

aint easy at all.i believe the man should take a step and enough be enough...if he claim to love you than he should act,why cant he take you with when visiting the kids?just asking.....

Mandy - posted on 01/31/2010

Ok First off, not to be mean but make sure you have the whole story. My exhubby, who is now in jail, had everyone he knew convinced that I was a horrible person and wouldn't let him see his children. We divorced when I was pregnant with my son and I came home early and he was shooting up with my daughter in the room. Do you think he told anyone that? Nope! He had sup visitstion to which he would either be refused because he was high or he would no call no show too, but then complain that I didn't let him see the kids, and do think his knew gf knew any of this when she called me and told me I should let him see his children? Nope.... Long story short, he needs to go through the court and don't blame her because personally if someone was keeping my babies from me I would be at the court the very next day to see what I could do, visitation and ect.

Alicia - posted on 01/31/2010

hey shantane.. iv been in your situation and after 3 years together and now our own baby, i will tell you eventually it does get beta.. just try to be the `bigger` person in the situation.. if u can make ur man understand that his ex is simply trying to see if she can still control him he may realise that deep down she still wants him in their daughters lifes so in reality she want not let him see them again.. and that maybe if he ignored her ridiculous demands she may realise that its not workin anymore.. i totally sympathise with you.. i know how frustrating it is being with one of the GOOD DADS.. it does get beta chicky so hang in there

Jody - posted on 01/31/2010

Get an attorney. She is using the kids as a tool for manipulation. That is abuse in it self.

Antoinette - posted on 01/30/2010

Go back and look at the divorce and custody agreements and then log everything she does then when you have enough go the AG and tell them you want an amendment the orders of custody and see how she likes the sherriffs department telling her that he has the right to the kids. I hate moms that abuse this as they do. Fathers are a very important part of the childs life. My friend had the same problem. All fixed now. The Ex has to drop them off at a specified by the court location and he picks them up. They are not allowed in 1000 feet of each other except for school functions for the kids. The kids are happier too.

Rae - posted on 01/30/2010

He and his ex need to go to court to set up visitation and child support. This will not solve the problem but it is a step in the right direction. My next comment have nothing to do with the children but with you and him. First, this is going to be a life long problem. Ex's can be hard to deal with. It's a fact of life. If this is something you can not deal with, walk away. Next, something you said really bothered me..."going to HER place and he understood for a little bit and didn't go..." Any person willing to sacrifice seeing/taking care of their children for a relationship has questionable values. Basically, if he is going to neglect his children for you, do you really want to date this type of person?

Laura - posted on 01/30/2010

Honey if he wants to see them that bad,they should have been going to court so he could get some kind of custody. point bland PERIOD!! Dont be nobodys fool. You seem very supportive so I know you would assist him with going in front of a judge. The judge can grant him visitation and she cant do anything but comply. That way there would be no more he has to go over to her house cause we all know thats some bull.Remember men want their cake and eat it too, so if he wont fight for visitations but wants to continue to see them at her house, bells should ring off in your head. Good luck

Angie - posted on 01/30/2010

From reading previous posts I see that his family has supported her and their children but he has never offered much, if any, child support for his children. If he wants to gain shared custody or get visitation rights, he's going to have to step up and start supporting those children instead of expecting his family and the government, through welfare, to support them. I'm sure there is a fast food restaurant that will hire him so that he can give his children some money to live. You say you're not threatened by this woman yet you don't want him going to her house to visit his children, that confuses me. If he has not feelings for this woman, nothing will happen. She can try every trick in the book and he will not give in to her. They have only been apart for 6 months so only time will tell what he will decide to do with his relationhip with her. Once they had a child they entered a permanent relationship - that of being parents. It's really his decision to decide what to do, you just need to be supportive of whatever his decision is. If you keep him from seeing his children, he will resent you and your relationship will never survive. Hang in there, this is a tough situation you are in right now.

Dyanna - posted on 01/30/2010

The courts are the way to go though, because without that you don't have a leg to stand on. You need to have the papers and the proof before anyone will listen to you. But remember, as long as you love them, have a clean, loving and safe enviroment for them and can provide for them you have a good shot at getting visitation. Dads seem to get a bad wrap, get called dead beats but really when they try to do something they get shot down and who wants to keep trying after getting shot down time and time again? The courts are just as guilty of that as the mothers are! But keep your chin up and fight and remember those kids are the only important ones and they matter most, not the fighting and nothing else!

Dyanna - posted on 01/30/2010

Even if there is a court order, if she is that clingy she probably won't comply with the order, atleast my husband's ex didn't. It took her almost losing her 7 year old daughter before she finally got the message and we went back to court and won everything we wanted. She was very very disappointed and still doesn't comply with the orders and we are going back to court again. She is now going on 13. It is a never ending battle with women like that, and the worst of it is the children are the ones that suffer because they should be allowed to freely love both their parents. Just because the parents have issues doesn't mean the kids should have to stop feeling or caring. We have always been there and even though we live in a different province and 6 hours away we still try and see her atleast 5 times a year and call 3 times a week, send support and get report cards, email, and keep in touch any way we can. She is as much a part of our family here as she is her family there and we love her so much! Fight for his rights and show the clingy b**** who is boss!!!!

Leanne - posted on 01/28/2010

untill you have got something down on paper that is legally binding, things will not change. If this women is using her kids as pawns at the ages of 1 & 2 imagine what it is going to be like when they get older & are able to speak. I found myself in a similar situation, my now husband has 3 kids from a previous relationship & i myself have 2, my husband use to have a relationship with his kids but was always on her terms otherwise didn't get to see them, my husband didn't want to go through the courts & as a result it has ended up one big shit slinging match. His ex doesn't like me & never has cos i'm not scared to speak my mind & demand respect. His kids would come into our home i try do what they wanted when they wanted, their mother had told them they didn't have to do as i asked only as their father told em (not that they done that either). His kids have never shown me any respect due to the way the mother has brought them up & kept them away from their dad on & off when it suited her or she didn't get her own way. What i am trying to say is that if your man doesn't put some kind of agreement in place now that is legally binding that they both have to abide by things will never change & she will always have that control over him cos she has his kids & she will continue to use them as pawns & the older they get the harder & worse it gets. I have been going through a similar thing for 5 years now & it has almost cost me my marriage an many occasions & i'm still not so sure it won't. Unless he is willing to sort all this out asap i would be walking away. Sometimes I don't think it is very fair to my kids to have to put up with her turning our lives up side down when ever she feels like it & my husband falls for it everytime, they are his kids..

Kelly - posted on 01/28/2010

i understand entirely and really feel for you,that really bugs me! women using there children for there own personal gain,the longer you let it go on,the more distance will grow between your partner and his children,if you dont allow him to see them at the mothers specified place and he loses that bond he will defiantly resent you for it,the only advice i can give you is to get a court order put in place! there is no reason he shouldnt see HIS children in his environment,unless he has history of violence but even then access at barnardoes is better then playing into his exs mindgames and meeting at her place! family law centres charge 1500 for a parenting order and legal aid will cover that.good luck and im proud of u for seeking advice too many woman get away with doing this to men and there own kids,its a form of abuse.they have a right to know there other parent!!!!

Angel - posted on 01/27/2010

If he is paying child support not thru the courts you need to get it documented either check , money order or reciept book signed by both of them. if he is not working he can get his child support reduced to his income of unemployment or whatever he is making at the time. and if he is getting unemployment, most states do pay a little more for the benefit of your kids, based on your wages you made. and if the court has banned his visitation for not working that is BS and something else is going on there. they would throw his ass in jail if he was far behind or in contempt. they don't just take away visitation. or say it is limited to just being at her location. you might be putting yourself in a situation you might want to get out of

Angel - posted on 01/27/2010

He needs to go get a visitation order from the court. Most cases he would get everyother weekend and 1-2 days during the week for a couple hours for dinner. She can't withhold visitation, and with an order she can be arrested for it. if she tries to withhold you go to the police and if you are going 2 weekends in a roll 1 of these 2 weekends was definitely your weekend. and definitely document all dates that are withheld. if she cancels a visit she has to reschedule a day for him with in 7 days. He will also be ordered to pay child support if he is not already. but can't withhold for lack of child support either. it can be an ugly battle. and in ugly cases they can be ordered to go to mediation to hash out a schedule, that is when you make sure everything is to agreeance on a schedule including rotating holiday years or one gets xmas eve one get xmas day. and so on. she can be a bit** and put in the order that you not be able to stay overnight on nights he has the kids til you are engaged or married but she will have to comply with the same. and you can always hang out during the day with them unless she can prove you are in a danger of some sort to the kids. but you shouldn't stand in the way of him seeing his kids because you don't like him going to her house or to his mom's to see the kids. If he truely loves you he won't be cheating on you. another thing it is very hard to accept someone elses kids into your life, esp if you both have different oppinions on rules of the house. and you having to take up responsibility for someone elses kids and they disrespect you. it is very hard even if you have your own kids or kids together. But his kids should be most important in his life.

Christina - posted on 01/27/2010

It sounds as though nothing can happen with the courts until he finds a job. So, sit tight and do what she wants until then. Agree for now, that you will not go to his mom's house when the kids are there. Keep receipts, keep track of her calls and results of the calls, her refusal of visitation, etc.

Then when he finds a job and goes to court, y'all will blow her out of the water! Seriously, nothing is going to change until court happens. So, just do what she wants until then and have him try to push for visits at his mom's house and not the ex's house.

Amanda - posted on 01/27/2010

i think you should suggest that he take her to court to get visitation rights or joint custody that way she HAS to let him see the girls by himself without her around...if she doesnt she can go to jail for contempt of court. I am in the same situation except he only has one child from a previous relationship. And his ex is absolutely CRAZY...so i know what you are going through girl. Just do that and if he respects your concerns and wishes then he will do what he has to do to see his daughters and maintain a happy relationship with you alls family...

Susanna - posted on 01/27/2010

Hi Merideth, i dont know if you can read very well, What I disclosed was that He Stopped seeing his children due to her abusive behaviour towards my children. I have the right to protect my children and so does my husband. I cant protect her children from being abused by her, But I will protect my own!!!! And if you think that is wrong well then you need you head read..... And yes I will admit I was very insecure in my relationship to start with!!! I agree because I was in the same situation , he hadnt sorted out visitation and it was always on her terms, So we went to court and surprise, surprise we got it made a fair arrangment she agreed to and signed. Then when there was a problem she would ring, The phone calles, abusive, violent and long winded. No matter what you did it was Wrong... and she would let you know it. But that still wasnt enough to get us to go away.. So she took aout a restraining order on my Husband that lasted 1 week. because when my husband went to court to have the matter heard the Magistrate through it out and said she had supplied no evidenced that she was at risk of harm from my husband. And still that wasnt enough to get us to leave the kids... So the next thing was too say that she was moving... Oh well good luck with the court orders... still not enough... AThen the final straw was one of the boys turned up with a bruise on his back in the shape of a hand print!! We took him straight to the Doctor to get it documented... The Doctor refered us to the Police... The police took Photos and statments... It was her Brother that had abused my husbands son... He was charged and convicted... She still leaves the boys in his care... Then the big one she rings ME.. I Never speak with her because as far as I am concerned she is my Husbands problem not mine.. She abuses me violently and vishously for he brother being charged and convicted... The last words I ever heard from her mouth where "If I ever see your kids the little turds I am going to kick the shit out of them you F@$king Bi*ch!!" I hung up the phone, called the police and my husband and the rest is history. For him it got to the point of being unbarable and If you juge him poorly for that then walk a day in his shoes...

Shantane - posted on 01/27/2010

I don't know why he enjoyed it. I can see why but life isn't a game!

Ellen - posted on 01/27/2010

hi there shantane you can go to the lawyers are ask for a parental visitation he can also apply for legal aid? depends where you live i have seen too many fathers miss out on there kids lives because the mothers are controlling hope it goes well for yous.

Sharon - posted on 01/26/2010

but my son enjoyed the tug-a-war between his ex and his new girlfriend.

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

the two girls are definitely his. thats not the problem. the visits are

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

He went to court but they turned him down until he gets a job. He has put in apps but right now none have responded.....

Sharon - posted on 01/26/2010

yes he can if he went to court as she is using the child as a pawn and courts dont look kindly on that as the father wants to play a part in his kids life.

Kassandra - posted on 01/26/2010

hi you dont know me, but when i read your problem with your bf.dose your bf know the 2 girls are his and has he dose a dna to make should they are his kids.can your bf bring the girls to his place or dose he have to go to his ex place or his mom place.if your bf dont have an dna on the 2girls and him that say his is the father of the girls and his ex cant came back in the a few years time saying his not the father of the 2 girls because i found out my bf of nearly 11 years together that one of his ex girlfriend after 25years ago that his a father so my bf done a dna and he is waiting for the exgirlfriend on two girl who are 21yearsold and 18years old and he is not sure where he a father of 3 kids but 2 are twins and they die that vabout 25years ago. so it best to have a dna done on the 2 girls and your bf so it donent happen to he down the track.

Sharon - posted on 01/26/2010

may be he should start telling her to start thinking of the kids and refuse to go to her house as she only wants him, but he should also be standing up for you and your daughter as he is starting a new life with someone else,if he wont mybe he is enjoying the situation and that is time to say goodby.

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

Can your son get custody?

Sharon - posted on 01/26/2010

i personally have not been in your situation and really feel for you, but my 25 yr old son is and she did wat ever she could to get him over to her place or back with him. She got everyone right down to here family to pay for everything as she would spend all the money she got.She always used his son against him ,(if you want to see him you have to see me too), well that is not the case and no court anywhere in the world would say that.I understand he is out of work and behind on child sopport, but wat he does pay keep reciepts for every bit she is given and go and see a support group for fathers as they will help.My grandson was taken off his mother as she wasnt fit and his bioligacle grandparents have custody and he can see him anytime, yet his son hates his mother and wants to live with his father, he is turning 6 this year.

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

Thank You! Finally someone who sees things my way!!!!

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

Its not that simple!! This girl doesn't want me around her kids just because i'm the new girlfriend! Its to the point that when she does bring the kids to his mom's place she tells him i better not be there. He goes along with it. I don't feel as though i should have to avoid his mom's place just because he is seeing his kids!! Its not her home to say i can't be there but yes it is her kids. And as far as the silent treatment....i've kept my mouth closed on alot of things but other things i refuse to be silent. I didnt speak badly about her at first but after over half a year with her calling me every bitch in the book and going as far as calling my 7 year old daughter a bitch; I definitely gave in!!! I was not sittting ignoring anymore. I've only spoken to this girl directly twice but with him i let him know how i feel!

Only2sunshines - posted on 01/26/2010

Shantane...If he is in agreement to continue visiting on her terms .. I'd WALK. If she will not let him visit with the kids without it being at her home, there is more to the story than just support. Thats just an excuse. If he's agreeing to these terms because its the only way to see them w/o contributing...it just shows you the type of person he is.He will have a relationship with her forever, but visitation at her home, isn't good for anyone involved.And please don't take any of the talk from the above poster that admits husband had to alienate his children for the sake of his new marriage & family. All the insecurity talk was obviously the issues she was facing in her own battle. You are not wrong in having a problem with his visitation set up...it just isnt right..the only solution is a court order or run the other way!

Jodi - posted on 01/26/2010

So what is wrong with my statment. I have been my husbands representative for the past 11yrs. The Agency only deals with me. They treat me different to the way the do my husband and more decisions go our way with me dealing with the agency than him.

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

He didn't pay her rent. Like i said, She lived with him at his mom's home at the time. He was working and she was getting welfare. He gave his mom money from time to time not necessarily rent; but she paid nothing.

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

I have been saving receipts myself. i haven't been writing down visits.

Susanna - posted on 01/26/2010

So what is wrong with my statment. I have been my husbands representative for the past 11yrs. The Agency only deals with me. They treat me different to the way the do my husband and more decisions go our way with me dealing with the agency than him.

Jamie - posted on 01/26/2010

What a crappy situation. I know where you are coming from with not wanting him to be around her, even if it is for the kids. It kinda seems like he needs to work on getting a job, and getting everything straightened out through the court system. Which, is going to suck either way. Tough call. Good luck with everything though.

Susanna - posted on 01/26/2010

If he can prove that he payed her rent for that first year then he can get that credited to his account. And he can prove that they where in a relationship then she maybe in trouble with the courts for fraud and gaining funds through deception or msileading conduct!!!

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

I respect your opinion but yes i do disagree. But deep down their might be something to what you just said.

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

That would make a person think!!!!!

Jodi - posted on 01/26/2010

In australia that is called a NON AGENCY PAYMENT and you can claim it back through Chlid Support agency at 25% of his monthly payment. She has no say in it it is an agency decision.... I would look further into it If I were you.... Trust me I know the chlid support agency like the back of my hand... Got my husband out of arrears and in Credit by using there system!!!! She now owes him money!!! :D

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

No. I am far from worried about that! I have too many high standards for that! If he wants to be with someone else then there's the door. He knows it too!! :) I'm a much better person than she and if he wants to give that up then i put up no fight because i don't fight over guys. i have much better things :) to fight over!!

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

Its funny that u say she owes him because SHE actually put him on child support for the first child only while she was living with him for a year at his mom's place. They didn't charge her rent or anything. They helped with the child also. So when she put him on child support he says it was like a slap in the face cuz his mom opened the door to her when HER mom kicked her out.

Susanna - posted on 01/26/2010

I think you are worried that he will go there she will kiss him, he will leave you and go back to her and his kids!!!! And that wil Break your Heart! It is an awefull situation. Really try to find a guy that either has no children or has all this stuff sorted before getting into another relationship. It sounds like you and his family are doing all the work. Sorry He stuck his Dick in he owns it he has to deal with it. Tell him to get ajob and take her back to court so that he doesnt have to go to her place. If he says that is too hard well you really have to stop and think!!!!

Susanna - posted on 01/26/2010

Sorry but as It stands SHE WILL ALWAYS BE IN HIS LIFE!!!!! And no 6 months isnt long I know couples that have children and reconsiled after 2years of seperation. And The guy that was that called it off in the first place too. You seem REALLY insecure about it all. I dont think it is that you dont trust her I think it is that you arent really sure about your relationship with him... You really dont trust him... I know you probbibly wont agree but it is just what I think.

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

I understand that she is his first family but certain things like these visits to HER place, i feel aren't necesarry. as far as the gifts from the family, they do it because they care; has nothing to do wth the child support order. i don't plan on leaving the relationship, just looking for advice and opinions.

Susanna - posted on 01/26/2010

In australia that is called a NON AGENCY PAYMENT and you can claim it back through Chlid Support agency at 25% of his monthly payment. She has no say in it it is an agency decision.... I would look further into it If I were you.... Trust me I know the chlid support agency like the back of my hand... Got my husband out of arrears and in Credit by using there system!!!! She now owes him money!!! :D

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

The situation was never sorted out. He ended their relationship, i guess she thought it was temporary..(u tell me if half a year is temporary!!!)..but she feels as though i took him away even tho we didn't meet until half a year later and started dating!!! But anyways, kids are involved and its getting to be annoying. (she is)I want him to spend time with his kids just not wth her.

Susanna - posted on 01/26/2010

Sorry he is a not doing the right thing if his family is paying for things for the kids on his behalf. If they are just gifts and not related to the childrens child support then that is different. That is normal among family members. You seem to have forgotten that she is still family and will always be family. She is his Childrens MOMMA!!!!! It Sucks it makes your stomarch turn. But these are the cold hard facts. If you cant deal with it then for your own sack Get Out and Leave hime to his mess!!!

Jodi - posted on 01/26/2010

Shantane, unfortunately, giving that money to her may have been a mistake, but only time will tell. I am in Australia, so things are different, but we gave money to my husbands ex once, about $1000, and thought it would clear his arrears (it was in arrears because I had a nervous breakdown and couldn't work, so money was in a bad way), but then she backclaimed anyway, and called that payment a "gift" and got away with it. We were pretty pissed. And yet, I have an ex who is getting away with not paying his debt at all!!

You need to document absolutely everything you are doing for the kids. Document the visits, Document where, how, what went on, anything that was said, etc. This will help your boyfriend when he decides to go to court to put a visitation order in place. I really do believe he should go back to court and get a document so that he can have a set visitation that his ex cannot control.

I really do think your boyfriend needs to go back to court to get some visitation documented, or this will be an ongoing issue. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away.

Shantane - posted on 01/26/2010

I would very much like for him to see his kids but just not at HER home. I don't see why she can't bring them to his mom's place on a regular basis or just allow him to pick his kids up when he wants to. Many fathers don't care to even see their children and she's using them for pawn! I know if roles were reversed he definitely would have a problem with me going to my daughter's father's house. (She's 7) But that wouldn't exist anyway because her father does not see her but thats another story!!!