Buffalo Wild Wings vs. Bathtime with Brandon

Brandee - posted on 04/27/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Our son will be two in July.. I don't know how to get my husband to realize that he sees his buddies more than he sees me and our son.. I am getting so accustomed to doing everything on my own that if my husband weren't around at all it wouldn't affect my routine.. He doesn't do anything on a daily basis to contribute to our lives together.. I have asked him how his life has changed since having our son and he knows it hasn't.. We both love our son.. I just want my husband to realize that if he doesn't step in and be part of our daily routines (dinner, bath, reading) then our son will cry out for Mommy because I am who he is use to.. I always tell him that I would rather he stay home with us, but I am not going to force him to stay home if he doesn't want to.. How can I get my husband to trade Bufflo Wild Wings with the guys for Bathtime with Brandon?

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Rebecca - posted on 04/27/2010

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ohhh boy.... Sometimes it takes time for Dads to come around. Mommy's have the children for a reason, if Dad's went through labor, and the pregnancy it may have been us having the "trouble" adjusting. I think that until the baby can interact more Dad's don't always know WHAT to do. They may not know that their attachments are forming now as well... and as Mom's we have the job (oh, great another task on our plate) of find ways to let them know without being mean or upsetting. If we are too blunt about it Dad shuts down and we all just end up frustrated.

I got my husband involved with Raffi by giving him to him when he came home from work and he had our sone while he changed out of work clothes into relaxing at home clothes. Then My husband started to take him in the morning when he got dressed to. Our Son started to babble with him and laugh in a way that was just for Daddy. Well that opened my Husdbands eyes of how much our Son does in fact, need and want Daddy, not just Mommy. He still goes to play hockey several nights a week but after Raffi is asleep for the night.

As far as forcing him to stay home, yea, you wouldnt want to do that anyway because he would just sit home frustrated and annoyed and all involved would feel it.

Dad's love their children, and sometimes as Mom's we forget that it's ok for them to love them in their own way. They don't have to love them just as we love them for it to be true.

I know you worry about him missing out on special moments, but it is what it is and all you can do is open the door, you cant make him walk through.

Good luck :)

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Brandee - posted on 05/04/2010

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Thanks for all the helpful advise.. I have decided that my foot is going down and he is going to do bedtime on Tuesday and Thursday nights, while I do laundry or other cleaning.. Hubby really ticked me off this past Sunday.. We went on a weekend vacation, the 3 of us, to Sea World.. When we got close to home he made plans to go to a bar b que at a friends house.. I told him he was crazy if he thought we were going with him because Brandon had been in the car for 6 hours already.. I thought he changed his mind, but he didn't.. Even his mom commented that he bolted out of the house very quickly.. I had to unpack, put away things, do the laundry, feed Brandon, and do Brandon's bedtime routine with him without any help from my hubby.. that was the last straw.. He will start to do Brandon's bedtime routine with him beginning tonight!! Thanks again for the support ladies.. Nice to know that others have similar issues and they have come through them!!

Melissa - posted on 04/28/2010

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I had the same issues with my other half and did the same as Kim... When he got home I said I had stuff to do and he had to take care of our lil man. Now he wouldn't have it any other way. He is our 1st child so we take turns giving baths and changing diapers(when he is home from work). I would definitely put your foot down and if he doesn't change then what is he there for? (Not trying to be ugly) Its a partnership right, you are not single so he should be helping if he is not working! Good Luck and I hope he changes for Brandon sake!

Kate CP - posted on 04/27/2010

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I say you slap him upside the head with a dirty diaper and tell him to wake up and smell the poo.

Seriously, though, I think you should go visit a friend for a few hours and leave Brandon at home with hubby. Don't take a cell phone with you. Don't give him a number to reach you by. Call every hour or so to see how he's doing and leave it at that. He'll be pissed but he needs to step up and be a dad, not a sperm donor.

Kim - posted on 04/27/2010

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I have been where you are. I tried talking to my husband that didn't work, so unfortunately I had to threaten. I told him that I am a single parent in this marriage and if he doesn't step up he can step out, because right now he is useless to me. He wanted to have sex I was like no way - I am exhausted and you don't do anything to make me want you. One night when he got home from work she was around 1 yr. I was waiting at the door and walked out and told him I would be back in 2 hrs. He followed me outside in a panic didn't know what to do about the baby. He never has changed a diaper. I told him to figure it out I had to and left. He turned around - He wasn't any good with babies. He now has most of the responsibilities with her. Tracey's right, my husband was the "fun guy" and I was the "meanie". So now we both discipline. Your husband acts this way because you are allowing it. Stop it now, before the baby becomes aware. Good Luck!

Tracy - posted on 04/27/2010

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I figured as much. He's put the entire load of childrearing on you, only appearing here and there for "fun" stuff. He needs to follow through, step up and be a father and partner. What would he do if you just handed him the baby and left?



I've been where you are, and it's a very dangerous, slippery place. He HAS to step up. There is no if ands or buts about it.

Brandee - posted on 04/27/2010

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@ Tracy.. If I go out anywhere, Brandon goes with me.. If I go to the gym, to the grocery store, shopping with my mom, etc.. I take Brandon.. I have told my husband that he doesn't realize how much work and energy is involved to get Brandon packed and ready to go, and in and out of the car, etc because he doesn't do it alone.. One night he was playing with Brandon and I said "why don't you give him a bath since he wants to play with you right now".. Husbands response "Brandon go with Mommy, its time for a bath".. I was sooo irritated.. We have discussed this and the plan was for him to do bath/reading at least two nights a week.. He never stepped up to do it.. It makes me so upset and I just say it is his loss, but I don't want it to be his loss.. I really want him to realize how much of a joy Brandon is to be around.

Tracy - posted on 04/27/2010

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Do you ever get the chance to go out without the baby? You two need to sit down and compromise some boundaries. Him bailing out on you and the baby will cause frustration and resentment to build. That's not good for your son, you or the marriage.

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