Calling all moms!

Charlyn - posted on 06/24/2011

Setting limits can be difficult, time outs work if you can ignore the whinning for a while (5 min.) followed by a nap. Once she goes to pre-school and lerns social skills along with her peers, things will get better. Good Luck!

Beautiful - posted on 06/24/2011

@ Joy, thank you :) One thing I have learned is like I said in my original post, you cant argue something you dont know. Gotta look at all sides every time or your talking just to talk lol. I cant even remember the last time I spanked my oldest, one hes just too old for it now and two he just really started to get it, the way he should act and not. I really hope I can get my girls to that point before my baby is old enough to start picking up on how they act.

Beautiful - posted on 06/24/2011

I have been ignoring the tantrums, but im thinking the way i do it is only making her more mad, when she is having a tantrum, i start playin gwith the baby,, it helps distract me from the noise so that i dont end up yelling at, sometimes she gets it and others she screams worse. Sometimes if I can see my playing with the baby is bothering her then I sit her down with us and tell her "lets play with baby" sometimes she will sometimes she wont.... sometime she'll look at me and say "eew" lol at that point ill just tell her to get her computer and play and she's good. I tried the walking her to pick up some grahm crackers she had thrown and she pulled what I call dead weight, went totally limp, if I had kept walking I would have just been dragging her, so I let go (this was 2 or 3 days ago) when I let go she got on the couch and layed down. I actually have noticed that lately when she gets in trouble thats the first thing she tries, "go night night" The hitting is kinda of a big problem between her and my oldest girl (4 years) the biting has thankfully only happened once, I did yell at her and it scared her but that was last biting incident. @ Cassandra, the only time I really have to be with just her is at night but even then its not just me and her with havin the baby but I do try to make a point to paint her toe nails and fingers every few days, she loves it and she does have my full attention but she has always been closer with my husband ( I honestly think its because I wasnt able to breastfeed her) she just takes to my husband in a way that she doesnt with me. I put her in time out today and very suprissed to see she stayed for a few seconds.

Joy - posted on 06/24/2011

Hi Brandi, I don't have anything to add as far as advice goes. The girls have covered it all beautifully. I want to give you a hug right now, for reading the debates and actually TRYING something instead of judging or stubbornly holding your ground, like so many women do on this site. Thank you! We're ultimately here to share experiences and to learn from one another, and that's exactly what you're doing. I'm a recent convert from spanking to non-spanking and it does take time. At first, when I started using different techniques, I sort of expected IMMEDIATE results. It was probably about a week into it before I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The changes were small at first. I think it started with my son not saying "NO!" as much. Slowly, over the last six months or so, it's gotten MUCH better. You just have to hang in there. It's never gonna be perfect, because no method is 100% effective 100% of the time. But kudos to you for trying something new :)

Katherine - posted on 06/24/2011

Oh boy, where to start........

Ignore tantrums
When she says no, physically make her do it ie: pick up a toy
When she throws something, make her go pick it up, again if you have to physically do it, then do it. When I say physically, I don't mean grab her by the arm and wrench her over. I mean walk her over and bend her down and make her pick up the toy. If she won't still then put it in her hand and put it where it belongs.

The peeing on the floor, you should have made her clean it ALL up.
Oh and btw my daughter is also 2.
When she whines, tell her you're not talking to her until she uses a big girl voice.
Screaming? Ignore, no eye contact either, pretend like she isn't even there, same with the tantrums.

Hitting? Put her in a chair, everytime she gets up, put her back, again and again. Same with time outs. Don't hold her down. Just keep putting her back. Set the timer for 2 minutes. No eye contact or talking either.
I think I covered it all.......
Biting, oh yeah. My daughter bit me so hard I had a bruise the size of a quarter on my arm. I just ignored it and she hasn't done it since.

Minnie - posted on 06/24/2011

If you're beginning gentle (read: NON PUNITIVE) discipline after being punitive, including spanking, for some time, you can expect a few months transition.

Along with that, it helps to have an understanding of age-appropriate behavior and individual personality.

Gentle discipline is not a quick behavior fix. It's an approach that seeks to cultivate a strong relationship of trust and attachment- accepting that our children are individuals who deserve respect and acceptance of their capabilities and personalities. It can take some time to transition from a punitive mindset to a gentle one, months even.

Michele - posted on 06/24/2011

Both of my children are now grown and have children of their own. I feel that it really depends on the child. Some children can take a swat on the bottom and stop the behavior that was a problem. Others it's not going to solve the problem no matter how many swats you give. You have to find an alternative that works for your child, I've even seen a spray bottle used just a squirt of water and the child knew to stop what they were doing, and the swat on the bottom did nothing for that child, he would look at you and continue the behavior.

Sarah - posted on 06/24/2011

It's possible that what you're doing isn't working, and won't work.

Asking (demanding) a child to stop doing something and then trying to explain until the child complies is just stressful and asking for a fight (headache) and leads to questioning if spanking might work better.

If whining is an issue, then turn it into a game - when she whines, relax, realize that children don't understand the inflections of speech and aren't doing it to grate on your nerves, but rather to communicate about their plight. Then you can do a coupe different things - if the request is something pretty significant (gotta go pee and needs help, or hungry, thirsty etc) then jump straight to 'sure', then as you go. Say "I really like it when you ask in a respectful voice, like this..." then demonstrate. Ask (realize she can refuse - and let her refuse) her to try it. after you doing it a few times respectfully to her, one day she'll do the same to you.

for us we have basically one rule in the house - Everyone must feel safe and respected. So we (try) not to treat hte children in a manner in which we wouldn't treat another adult. And no, this does not mean they always get their way - just that we are respectful, and allow them to be upset, we allow them to voice their opinions, we talk to them, if they MUST do something, we don't reason with them, but we do tel them our reason - and will discuss with them, let them know we've heard them, and change our minds when it's appropriate, otherwise let them be upset as we continue as planned.

If one is hurting someoen else we say "So and so doesn't feel safe when you hit. In our hoe everyone must feel safe. If you don't want her to take your toy you say stop" IT takes a few times, but htey get it - and if there's no hitting or hurting we're okay with loud. We'll work toward quieter as they get more adept at gentle.

For our faily, we find the more everyone plays together, the less whining and hurting we have. We also find that the more they move the happier they are, less whining, hitting, etc. So what we do is - I carry the baby in front of me and she chases her sisters around and tackles them. They love it - then once she gets them they chase 'her' around and when they catch her they hug her kiss etc.

There are also times when a hit happens, but talking about hitting etc would likely make the child angrier and more likely to hit - we can usually see when that would occur and we change tactics - instead we say something along the lines of "Oh that was a love hit - Now I can't stop loving you, I love you so much, I must hug you and kiss you, I can't stop - Oh I love you, I love you....." and on and on etc, they run around laughing and loving back. Since often the times when those types of hits ahppen it's froma NEED - and those needs are most often related to not FEELing enough love - so this gives love that is often needed. Now the girls will specifically ask for these types of games when they're feeling left out or alone - and the hitting never happens.

It isn't rewarding bad behaviour, but rather teaching another way of approaching the feeling. And that is what we view gentle discipline as - teaching. We also realize that a lot of those behaviours like hitting, yelling, whinging, happen due to feelings they don't know how to deal with. So we give them out lets that we're okay with. Running is fun, and mostly safe, hugging is fun and safe Singing is fun and safe.

We also say please and thank you to the girls when asking for things - and they say it to us, but if they don't say it, we don't mention it - they follow our model, as long as we're respectful, they will be respectful.

We NEVER force apologies - after all an apology should come from a sense that what they did was wrong, and that they do not want to do it again - a child is not capable of that type of thought until closer to 6 or 7 - instead if it's somethign done to us, we say I felt sad when I was hit. Instead of hitting you could tell me you don't want the blue shirt. Here's the red shirt you wanted. I feel better when you say No blue shirt, let's try it."

if it's something done to someone else, we apologize for our child. I'm really sorry A hit you. She felt angry when her toy was taken, and didn't know how to use her words. I'll help her with her words."

There are a lot of different ways to handle specific situations, but for us I want to have the best result (happy, respectful children to start) with the least effort. I don't like feeling angry and I really hate the feeling that I have to 'battle' my children, so we've figured out what to do s that our interactions are positive and our children are basically well behaved - I say basically b/c after all they are children and as such they will do things that as adults we could only shake our heads and wonder at - but despite the speed in which our girls move, speak, laugh and do pretty much everything, they WANT to treat others respectfully and that is the important thing to me. Even if that means that EVERYtime our 4 yr old plays with one friend we have to stay VERY close to prevent blood shed - they are learning and children come up with so many new ways to maim each other - so we teach them how to navigate - the first few times a situation arises it takes a lot of interference, but each subsequent time is easier and easier.

HTH

Cassandra - posted on 06/24/2011

It sounds to me like your child has need for closeness with you. Are you too busy, and always on the move? Try some nightly cuddling, allow for comfort and warmth to establish between you. She will calm down, just from having you nearer. She always has a reason for her actions - there is something you are not understanding or listening to when she reacts strongly. She is trying to tell you, LISTEN. Sit on the floor, and say to her, Fine, you teach me. Let her have her say. She will light up. You are a two person team - both equal partners. No one is allowed to abuse their power and hurt the other. Find the middle ground. It is ALWAYS there. xo

Kim - posted on 06/24/2011

I try to be positive, I say "please keep your hands to yourself" or "be nice to doggy" instead of "Don't hit the dog". She usually responds pretty well to that. As for actual disipline I have a pattern of doing things. First redirection, then taking the toy or sticker or putting the dog outside(that is the BIG thing at our house), if it is somehow still an issue then timeout. Usually timeout works...
I would like to say thanks to the ladies who suggested 123 Magic! I will be looking that one up! I always like a backup plan.

Beautiful - posted on 06/24/2011

@Theresa lol it absolutly drives me insane! The whining for me also is what bothers me most, it grates my last nerve.

Theresa - posted on 06/24/2011

I had one of those and it just about drove me completely out of my livid mind before I found a way to make her stop. I sit her down in a 'time-out'. No mind you, I had to keep putting her back in that spot, because she would not stay seated there, but after about 5 or 6 times she sit there and cried. I told her until she could quit the crying and the whining I would not let her up. I had tried paddling her, smacking her leaving her in her bedroom, which by the way, she would destroy, so I went with the time-out and I sit there until I thought her time-out was long enough and it worked!

Over the next few weeks the 'time-outs' kept getting less frequent, but I still had to use them. She was actually the only one of my kids I had to use anything on. I had to smack hands over electrical outlets and pulling cords out of the wall and even climbing on cabinets, lol, but to me the whining was the worst of them all.

I seriously hope that this helps you. It does get worse before it gets better and you have to stay at it, but in the end you will win the war.

Beautiful - posted on 06/24/2011

@Jennifer, I wouldnt do that, husband tried it once ( per pediatrition recommendations), didnt work or help anything so it wasnt done again. @Nancy and Savannah, I feel the same way, I was spanked growing up, hell my mom slapped me for calling her a B tch, I had it comin talking to her like that. Some kids I really think need a swat to get the point, others I dont think they do. Sometimes with my older two taking toys or games work, standing in time out, but not all the time they have their days where they listen better and sometimes not at all. My oldest daughter for example, potty trained for a while now, few months back decided to pee on the bathroom FLOOR when I asked her why she did that, her response was "because i felt like it"! She got spanked for that because she is fully aware that big girls dont do that and in all honesty the spank was for her reason more than the action, that was flat out disrespectful and rude.

Savannah - posted on 06/24/2011

I would hang in there. My son goes through these phases where all he does is test me all day long. Kids like to push the boundaries & find out where you draw the line.

As far as spanking, that's the only punishment that worked on me growing up. You could put me in a corner, take my toys, talk to me & it never made an ounce of difference. The only thing that got through was a swat on the butt. My brother on the other hand did not respond what so ever to spankings. He only responded to loss of toys or being put in the corner/naughty chair, ect. As each child is different I believe some need different punishments. In my opinion a swat on the butt (I'm not saying a beating) can be used as discipline. Do what works best for your family. I don't want to spank my children but if it's the only way to get through, I will.

Best of luck!

Nancy - posted on 06/24/2011

Brandi, this subject is a loaded controversy, as far as I am concerned. I have four children. I was raised by the back of a hand, and belt, to be frank. I love the idea that we are told, no spanking. It put it in my head that perhaps I could deal with my children in a different manner and YES, it has worked. However, there have been situations, over the past 16 years where I have felt the need to give my children a smack, here and there. That has worked for me as well. So, as for the answer to your question, parent your child as per what your child dictates. If they can be reasonable and listen, by all means, reason and explain your expectations. If not, then hell yes, give them a good swat. If it doesn't work to repeatedy attempt to reason with your child why they should not play, touch, be near an outlet, then swat their hand. If they don't understand why not to play in the street, swat their butt. My theory is "Better you crying, than me!"

Amy - posted on 06/24/2011

The most important peice of advice I can give is...no matter what follow through. My son threw his last tantrum at the age of two, I had told him that if he didn't listen he would be in trouble, he started kicking & yelling...I told him we do Not act like that in this house & if he kept it up he would lose his favorite toy. He yelled at me (I never yelled back) I calmly told him that if he did not stop by the count of 3 I was throwing his toy in the trash & it would not come back. He continued his tantrum, I counted to three, picked up his toy & he stopped and said ok I'll stop. I said thank you then threw the toy away. He wanted to know why I threw it away when he said he would stop & I explained to him that I appreciated that he had stopped but that he did not do it when he was told nor did he do it it the time frame given so I had to follow through (it was sooo hard). He learned that day...mom does not make idle threats & he still knows this @ the age of 8

Jenni - posted on 06/24/2011

Brandi, yeah i'd becareful with holding her in place like your pediatrician recommended. Think of it this way, if someone were to hold you against your will, what would you do?

Fight back, right?

The object and goal of time out is for her to eventually learn to take them willingly. They don't have to be a punishment and if you treat them as positively as you can, your daughter may start to go to time out all on her own. (even if it's not your time out zone, she may go to her bedroom for 'quiet time', which is good too).

You may have to keep taking her back and placing her there initially but if you're consistant, eventually she should go to time out when you tell her.

Rebecca - posted on 06/24/2011

I HIGHLY recommend the book "1-2-3 Magic"...my son is the King of whiners and using the discipline method in this book has helped a lot....maybe your local library has it, if not it will only cost you about $10.00 to buy it, I am VERY thankful we bought it!!! ( my hubby's psychiatrist who is also our marriage counselor recommended it, that should tell you something) pardon my spelling

Beautiful - posted on 06/24/2011

I love supper nanny but I do always wonder if the kids go back to their behavior before nanny stepped in lol. As to a teething comment earlier, Our pediatrition has not said anything about teething, only terrible two's and for time outs we need to sit with her and hold her in place... Im not going to do that, my hubby tried it once and it just made things worse, she will however listen to my husband when he tells her to go to time out (we just make them stand at the wall) she will stand there...I tell her and its a flat out "NO" so instead ill take a toy she has at the moment or if she doesnt have, make her sit next me on the couch and tell her why she is in trouble. I really do get that im changing things so its throwin her off, I know its gonna take time and paitence but sometimes it is so damn draining especially when you've got a smaller one and two older ones. Consistancy is key and damn it im trying :) @Veena the eye contact thing really caught my eye because with my older daughter its kinda of oppisite, when she is in trouble she will make full eye contact but she gets this complete blank look like nothing is gettin through?

Jenny - posted on 06/24/2011

I RECOMMEND 123 MAGIC IT IS SO SIMPLE BUT WORKS EVEN ON MY CHILD WHO HAS OPPOSITE DIFIANT DISORDER, I HAVE KIDS FROM 16-5 AND IT WORKS ON ALL OF THEM AND NEW THINGS DO TAKE SOME ADJUSTING TO GIVE IT SOME TIME, AND I DID SPANK BEFORE, BUT NOW I RARELY HAVE A REASON TO.

Mary Pauline - posted on 06/24/2011

hi i agree with veena supernanny's advice is the best. click the link
http://www.supernanny.co.uk/TV-Show.aspx

Veena - posted on 06/24/2011

No, I understand. Back home in India when we were young there used to be lot of spanking. It worked then but it doesn't these days. The kids are smarter and they just don't care. They do things for negative attention. So we follow Super Nanny's advice. We go to her eye level talk to her calmly, it works. We do go overboard and shout without our own knowledge and we realize its not working. We learnt it from her show. Very useful, they don't seem to make eye contact when they know they are wrong. But do it consistently they know they have to listen and can't get away with unacceptable things. Try it, it seems to be working for us when we remember to do it :-)!

Krista - posted on 06/24/2011

I agree with the others. You've changed things up on her, so she's testing you to figure out where the new boundaries are and how firm you are on them. It'll take a little while, so you'll need to be consistent, and draw on whatever reserves of patience you may have stored up somewhere.

Isobel - posted on 06/24/2011

I know some people who love this group if you are looking for advice or support :)

http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh...

Dana - posted on 06/24/2011

Brandi, I agree with Emily that when trying something new it's going to get a little worse before it gets better. I think it's great you're trying new things. I use time outs for my son. For them to properly work you have to:



1. When they've done something wrong, always use a calm but, stern voice, (crucial) make them focus and give you eye contact. Then give them one warning. Example- "Please do not hit me, if you hit me again, you're going to go into time out".



2. If they've not listened to that one warning and continue to misbehave. You pick them up, bring them to the designated time out area. Set them down. Make eye contact again and tell them why they're in time out. Example: "You're in time out because I asked you not to hit me and you didn't listen". "You now have -however many minutes your children's age is"- (my son is two, he gets two minutes). Then you walk away. No more talking no more anything. The more you talk, the more they think the floor is open for conversation.



3. After the allotted time you go back. Eye contact again, repeat why they were in time out and ask them to apologize. Once they do, give them a hug. Act as if everything is back to normal. Be cheery, be mom. Punishment is over, don't carry a grudge or they will too.



They MUST also apologize too. This way they know what they've done was wrong and then they get rewarded with a hug. And you have to be consistent with them. Each time, follow this method. You also have to be consistent that they stay where the time out spot is. If it's in a chair, they stay seated. No goofing around out of the chair or on the floor by the chair. And no talking to them other than the times I've stated above.

Even if they get out of the chair, don't talk to them, don't yell at them. They need to see you in control and not losing your cool. You just calmly walk over and put them back. If your child is old enough to understand, then you can tell them that time out starts over each time they get out of the chair. At first this process can take a bit of time if they won't apologize or stay in the chair.



For me, my son would not apologize at first. He was two years old and knew how to but, just wouldn't do it. It took a half hour, at 2 minute increments. - Me going back, asking for an apology, him saying "no", me saying, "Okay, time out starts over again". and back to the timer for two minutes. He seriously almost broke me. I was just ready to give in thinking, maybe he just doesn't get it. But, luckily he finally apologized.

We only had to do that one time, he learned that I was not backing down. After that there have been times where it takes 10 -15 minutes (maybe all of 5 times total) where he'll still refuse to apologize at first but, he knows and he will give in.



I learned how to do time outs properly from watching Super Nanny (a show in the US, if you're not from the US) I know that people on the show or people on here may think it's strict and difficult for children to understand but, it's not. It has worked wonders for us, IF done properly. My son hardly has time outs. I give that first warning and he cuts out the bad behavior.

Now, that being said, you have to pick and choose your battles, you can't use time outs or threats of time outs all the time. Be careful that you're not expecting too much out of your child, if they're just overtired or hungry, they're going to be moody and act out, that's normal kid behavior. You have to know when to stand your ground and when to cut them some slack from the get go. But, never do you give in when you're in the process of time out.



I realize this post is going to be crazy long. I apologize for it, I just wanted to cover all bases. Good luck!

Karen - posted on 06/24/2011

it sounds like you are doing a lot of positive sweet things with her, keep it up, she will get through this!

Christina - posted on 06/24/2011

"My two year old is extremely whinny, how/why I dont know"...Well, don't you want to treat the cause not the syptoms?? Wouldn't you like to help your child not discipline her? Sounds like she's still teething and you need to provide her with teethers still. This has worked for me and others. I realized this when my daughter first started teething and one of her 5 yr old cousins had stolen her teether - I caught her teething on it and realized that, at 5 years , their mouths are still growing, getting ready to start losing those baby teeth in the close future. As my daughter grew I realized that when children act out it's always for a reason, and you need to meet their needs thru guessing and at the toddler age it still is : are they hungry? Have to potty? Or need a teether? My daughter has never gone thru a temper tantrum phase at all and will be 4 this fall. She is an angel and I'm sure meeting her teething needs has something to do w/ it. Also think of it this way - does not a puppy chew up everything for the first 3 or 4 years of it's life, too? Same thing - teething. Not separation anxiety or some human emotion we want to attach to a dog. Its growing and it's mouth hurts. Chewing things up helps. Try to get to the bottom of why the child is so whinny and you will have a happy child who won't need much discipline. Oh and to answer question, I have only smacked my daughter on the hand for pulling the dogs' tails/ fur/faces/legs after I warn her to "stop because you could make the dogs bite you" . Other than that this child is pure joy , no discipline needed.

Beautiful - posted on 06/24/2011

Oh her and my husband are almost inseperable, she adores my husband and vise verse, and I dont allow sugary snacks or candy... once in a while a cookie is fine but other than that its usually crackers cheese fruit veggies stuff like that. I know she probably is just acting out for the most part, upset she's not the baby anymore but she does play with my 5 month old, kiss on her i help her hold her and show her how to gently touch her... i even do that with her dolls so she understands better when it comes to the real baby in the house :)

Karen - posted on 06/24/2011

Having a new sibling is a difficult adjustment for some kids. Is she getting enough individual attention? This could be a great time for Dad to get close with her and do special outings, storytimes, etc.
Is she getting regular mealtimes of healthy simple foods, regular rest/nap times, regular bedtimes? These simple life changes help sensitive children have better days.
Does she have regular outdoor play and ways to let off steam in positive ways? Kids that are tired out from vigorous outdoor play are often more peaceful and balanced, too.
She is at a difficult age, before complex conversation skills and your patience, encouragement, regular schedule, healthy foods, simple non-emotional discipline will get you through. Pray for her to grow up knowing how loved and special she is to you, your family, to God....Keep on keeping on, Brandi. You sound like your hands are full with 4 children, two very small....They don't stay young forever. Enjoy this messy, playful age!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/24/2011

First of all Brandi, I have to say kudos to you for trying a new discipline style. I love that!

Ok, also what exactly are your techniques? What is happening and how do you respond? There are so many different things and ways to approach a situation, but consistency is the key. I hope you find a technique that works for you. Don't give up, give it some time.

Sometimes it is definitely easier to raise a hand to get your point across, but I love that you are trying.

Jaime - posted on 06/24/2011

Brandi, it's extremely frustrating and emotionally draining when you're trying to change your discipline methods with a small child. One thing to keep in mind is that your child is going through all the same frustrations, but expressing them differently (whining, hitting, kicking, telling you "NO!"). As hard as it is to do, you just have to remain calm...or as calm as possible because I promise you, the more out of control your reaction is to your child's behaviour, the harder it is to get your child to be calm and learn about proper behaviour. That being said, I'm really glad that you're giving positive discipline a shot because I think in the long run you'll see how much better it is for you and your child. There are tons of techniques to try and if you want more detailed information, then I invite you to join us over at Positive Behaviour Strategies (PBS). We have a great group of moms full of great advice and support :)

http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh...

Jenni - posted on 06/24/2011

Are you talking about tantrums and ignoring them?

Ok I had to go find and dig up this article for you on systematic ignoring. Here is a very important quote from the article:

"But be prepared – behaviour that is ignored often gets worse before it gets better. You should consider this when deciding whether to use systematic ignoring as a behaviour tool."

http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/s...



Now what this basically means is when you first start ignoring the behaviour she is going to pull out all the stops. Some children can tantrum much, much longer than others (those strong-willed bunch). But the goal is that she will eventually learn 'whinning, yelling, hitting' or other negative behaviours will not give her any desired effect.



When to ignore? when she tantrums. You can address the undesirable behaviour first: "You are mad right now, when you calm down I will help or talk." Then ignore.



IF her tantrum turns into hitting, kicking, biting, throwing toys immediately remove her to a 'cool off zone' or safe place where she can't harm others, you, property. Say calmly but firmly: "We don't (hit, kick, throw toys etc.) Calm yourself down."

Now here is where all the work starts; it may take 100x of picking her up and placing her back in time out zone until she stays there. It literally took my son 6 months before he would sit in time out without getting up and leaving time out. But the goal of positive parenting is to do all the work when they're young and when they're older you reap the fruit of your labour.

At the end of time out you have a discussion about her behaviour: "I know you're mad but we don't (hit, throw toys) when we're mad, we use our words and say "I'm really mad".



Positive parenting involves modelling behaviours, role playing appropriate behaviour through play, passive discipline, discussions, natural and logical consequences, systematic ignoring, praising positive behaviour understanding our child's developmental age and more. It isn't just using time outs and ignoring negative behaviour and praising positive behaviour.



The goal of positive parenting is to teach our children how to make positive decisions for themselves without fear of punishment. If you're looking for a form of discipline that nips behaviours in the bud overnight. It's not the form of discipline for you. It's a form of discipline that boasts long term results rather than short term results.

It takes a lot of work, time, patience and consistancy (frustration as well) before you start reaping the benefits. But some of those benefits are; an emotionally fit, independent child who doesn't need parental assistance to make positive choices for themselves. When I speak to pos discipline parents of older children they can boast that the only discipline they really need anymore for their children is discussions, role playing, maybe the occassional logical consequence.



My own children (almost 3) and (almost 4) now put themselves in timeout to cool off when they experience runaway emotions (which leads to tantruming). They no longer hit, kick or throw toys and haven't in 6 months. We talk after they cool off and I praise them for dealing with their anger/frustration appropriately and then talk and help them to arrive at a conclusion to feel better or solve the problem.



I am not their boss, I am their mediator and referee. I don't expect blind obedience. I expect my children to understand why they shouldn't engage in a forbidden behaviour through natural and logical consequences.



I expect them not to respect and fear me as their parent simply because I'm their parent, but because I earned that respect and trust.



I expect my children to treat everyone with the same level of respect by showing them how people in the 'real world' would react to their behaviours. Ignore a yeller, not respond to someone making a request impolitely.



You have to model the behaviour yourself too or it WILL NOT work. Actions speak louder than words. If you tell her not to yell when she's angry and then you yell when you're angry, you will be practicing do as I say and not as I do.

Put yourself in time out when you're angry. Tell her, mommy needs to go take a time out now because she's angry and needs to calm down.



Anyways, if you genuinely are interested in learning more you can join our community for help and tips. I've still got a lot to learn myself!



http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh...



You don't have to give up spanking as a last resort. There are plenty of parents who spank who also use all these positive behaviour strategies foremost.

Cristen - posted on 06/24/2011

I agree with the consistency and that it takes a period of adjustment for kiddos. I would recommend the Parenting with Love and Logic books or seminars. Being positive also helps me. It is tough but I try not to use the words "don't", "can't", "won't" and "no". How we phrase things affects our kids. I am still saying the same things, just in a positive way. Instead of saying "You can't go outside until you have picked up your toys.", it is more positive and we get better results when we say "You can go outside when your toys are picked up." It would be great if all children's first words were not "no" or "don't".

Bec - posted on 06/24/2011

general rule of thumb change takes time.patience and the consequence has to fit the crime so to speak and you have to be consistant not sometimes in time out for say hitting then the next time you don't do it, this is confusing and never get a result.you have to be a robot with it almost. focus on the positives eg sticker chart so many stickers equalls something special (maybe special time with you alone reading a book or playing cards etc,should work as you have more than one child) complement the good in an unexpected and spontanious way eg when the bub is on the floor and there is no spinning around say gee you have grown up you are being more gentle and carful around your bub bro/sis. ( i would not say you are not spinning as this could unintentionally give spinning attention).make praise more dominant in conversation rather than negatives.This will be tested from time to time essecially since you are changing your parenting tech. they will be thinking mmm wheres the smack for awhile.The main and hardest thing to do is be consistant even when your sick, sleepy,stressed etc...and keep your cool and don't get into their crap..

Wendy - posted on 06/24/2011

her acting up like this could also be a way of expressing jealousy towards the younger sibling - my eldest boy is 18 months and my youngest is 5 months and he did exactly the same and still has days where he just screams bad mummy at me all day then he'll hit his younger brother! I've managed to get past the worst of it by rather than panicking that he'll hurt his brother encouraging him to play with him, I sit on the floor with the baby then get my elder one to come and do row row your boat with us with him holding his brothers hands since i started this he has started to kiss his brother rather than hit him and he's alot more affectionate now that he realises they can both have my attention.

Beautiful - posted on 06/23/2011

Im gonna have to find that book, it is really difficult and sooo discouraging when she does that, I dont like spanking, im not against it but i dont like it, she use to be my angel and somehow she turned into the devil over night it seems like. Some say its the terrible 2's though but my oldest two were NEVER this bad. Thanks for the support so far guys :) I really do appreciate it.

Emily - posted on 06/23/2011

123 Magic is a book also. It's a really great book for discipline that does not involve spanking.

Corinne - posted on 06/23/2011

We were having issues with our daughter (at the time she was about 4 yrs old) and I even went to see my doctor to get us an appointment with a psychiatrist and she (my regular GP) suggested I rent the video/DVD called "123 Magic". I did. It changed our lives here. No, she is not perfect but wow, so much better. The DVD suggest different ways on handling things and both my husband and I tried the different ways until we found one that worked. I highly recommend the video to anyone. There is also another video called "More 123 Magic" for the pre-teen/teen group. Its also very good. We rented it from our local library. Good Luck.

Emily - posted on 06/23/2011

When you're trying something new, things usually get worse before they get better. She's testing you. You just need to be firm in your consequences. EVERY time she hits or slaps you, she needs to go right to a time out (or whatever consequence you're using). Don't get emotional about it, just put her in time out. Do it every time, and tell her "we don't hit, hitting hurts." Ignore when she tells you no or gets whiny. She's looking for a reaction from you. Don't give it to her. If you are consistent with the consequences and praise the hell out of her when she's having a better day, things will really improve. I can't emphasize enough being consistent and unemotional when disciplining or responding to her attempts to irk you. If you are not consistent and don't follow through with what you say you're going to do, she will see right through that and will know she can get away with whatever she wants.

It takes time for kids to adjust to a new set of expectations. Like I said, she is testing you. This will pass, you are doing great.

Beautiful - posted on 06/23/2011

I've been trying that and today... well she literally spent the entire day yelling, and I have been explaining more to her when I do tell her no, and I will try to redirect her and she gets so mad, she will shake her head no at me and tell me no.... sometimes she even yells "bad" as shes pointing her finger at me! We dont act like that here so I dont know where that would be coming from. The only time I have really yelled is when she has been doing something around my 5 month old (she likes to run circles around her) my 5 month old is learning to crawl so I cant keep her in the bassinet all day. But I yell because that scares me you know, what if she were to fall on her!?

Stifler's - posted on 06/23/2011

I started being more positive with my kid after coming on here and he's a lot better behaved on the days that I don't lose my cool and just redirect him instead of yelling NO about things.