Can a father see his son if he hasn't seen him for over a year. He is only 2.

Autumn - posted on 04/08/2011 ( 202 moms have responded )

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My son's father has not seen him since Jan 09 and he wants to take him overnight for 5 days to spend time with him and his fiance. I said no and I ask my son's doctor and he stated he should have visit with the father along with myself because it will cause stress to Jakob. I am wrong?

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Lissa - posted on 04/08/2011

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I agree, you don't just hand your child over to someone who is a stranger to him. If he wants to begin a relationship with your son he needs to start slow. Meeting somewhere that your son feels safe and secure with you (and depending on your situation with this man a relative or friend). Slowly building up the time spent together (I'm talking many months) before introducing the fiance until (and if) you and your son feels comfortable about any kind of overnight stay with his father. Give Dad a chance to prove himself and explain to him that he is a stranger to your son and he will have to earn both your trusts.

Medic - posted on 04/08/2011

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@Carolyn- My husband was active duty army for the first 4 years of our sons life and 9 months of our daughters. What makes the difference to me is that when the dad comes home from being gone for 6 months or a year the dad comes back into the kids environment. The childs home doesn't change and the moms are there too. Its not like daddy comes home, mommy hands babies over, and daddy takes them somewhere they have never been. My husband left for Iraq when our son was 16 months and was gone till he was almost 3 and when he came home he asked how daddy got out of his home in the computer screen. But my husband just kind of fell into the swing of things......he left again when our daughter was 6 days old and was gone till she was 8 months and again he just slowly fell into our life and the kids were fine. It seems in the ops situation it would be very traumatizing because a dad he does not know wants to take him away from the mom he does know for 5 days to be in a place he does not know with a woman he does not know. If any of that makes sense.

[deleted account]

No way on the overnights at this point, but slowly starting to build a relationship w/ his father is good for your son unless his father is an actual threat to his safety.

My son turned 3 about 2 weeks ago. He's only had any type of relationship w/ his father since around a year and a half and rarely ever gets to see him, but my son LOVES his daddy and talks about him all the time.

His first overnight visit was for a week just this last December (thankfully my son has 2 big sisters as his 'comfort objects') and my son STILL talks about that visit almost every day. :)

I, personally, can't stand the man, but all that matters is the kids and what is in their best interests.

Rosie - posted on 04/08/2011

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if he doesn't know who he is then i think it's too soon for your son to spend the night. i think it should be a gradual thing. going to the park is a good idea, make sure you stay around for the first couple times. i do however think that if he really is interested in having visits with his son, that it's in your sons best interest. keeping him from his father is not going to do anyone good, and will only serve to incite anger when your son is older.
just tell your ex that you want to take it slow, and then he can build up. you don't want to scare your son. hope it all works out for you! :)

Medic - posted on 04/08/2011

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I see the point that he should get to see him.....overnight and with his fiance...HELL NO....if he wants to see him then he can meet you at a park or where you feel comfy. Stand your ground....just don't withhold the child just make him available on your terms.

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[deleted account]

Visits are one thing. Five days completely away from you...? It's not fair to you OR your son to expect him to spend five days with a stranger. If Dad wants a real relationship, by all means don't deny them that, but playing house for a week with his new woman isn't a relationship!

Bette - posted on 04/20/2011

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no...but, and I hate to say it, it depends if there is a visitation agreement...if you have sole custody...if you even went to court...and if you didn't, you may need to go now. My son has a rotten ex and had to take her BACK to court to get his rights...even though he began paying support on his own and has never missed a payment. I certainly, as a grandmather, think you need to put your son first...he obviously does not know his dad and to let him go with him, unsupervised, for 5 days and nights wouldn't speak well to your concerns about your son. I would not want my grandchildren, 10 y/o, 6 y/o, 5 y/o and 6 mos. to spend any time with people, relatives, they do not know without a close, well trusted family member present at all times. I believe Dad has missed the boat and if he wants to know his son...HE needs to proceed slowly and within the legal system. GOOD LUCK my prayers are with your son

Lynette - posted on 04/20/2011

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i agree that children need both parents in their life however, taking the child and putting him in an unfamiliar place with people he doesn't know is not a good idea. i would slowly build up to overnights. i would start with having the father come to a place that feels safe for the child and you be there to support and slowly increase this time. you need to go at the child's pace and not according to someone else's agenda.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/20/2011

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Due you not do that every year at the beginning of the school year. They do not know that person but you trust them to have them for 8 hours a day 5 days a week, at least the father wants to get to know his son let him. Yes it would be ideal that things started slower but you need to find out why he wants to spend this amount of time with him. I mean is it to impress the new lady or is it to get time with his son. But on the case of it would be difficult on the child. Sure it will. But it will be even harder on you so insisting on a daily phone call is a must. The decision is totally up to you and what you feel comfortable with but always follow you heart when it comes to your kids it will not steer you wrong, but totally denieing your son the chance to know his father would be a crime to his father and the son.

Ann - posted on 04/20/2011

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You are not wrong, this would or could upset him. he will be in a strange place not an ideal situation for 5 days.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/20/2011

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a child needs both parents. Now I would insist that the son be able to call you atleast once a day for the first few visits. but if you have a man that is willing to spend time with his child you best take advantage of it. There are too many dead beat dads in the world and to have a man that wants to spend time with his children is wonderful and your son will be all the better for it.

Martha - posted on 04/20/2011

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What happened between you and him it shouldnt matter; how long ago you guys broke off or if he does have a fiance or anything similar. What it should matter is the emotional, psicological and spiritual stability of your son. If he dont want to understant that,and if you believe he is a danger for the baby tell him to file a motion for visitation rights to court. While in court you can express to a judge that him spending overnight time with the child out of the blue it will affect your son, a judge will making understand, if not, well work it out. just dont let him control you or your kids. your child is not a toy for none of you.

Isha - posted on 04/20/2011

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Hi! Why hasn't he seen him since 2009 and what is the sudden interest? I would be very skeptical, 5 days is a long time for someone who has no bond to there son. I agree it would be stressful for your son. A 2 hour visit for the first time to get acquainted is sufficient you son doesn't know him. Biological or not reality it has been 2 years and no bond and no connection built. It is like leaving your son with a stranger. I would also consider the first visit with you present so you can be there for your son as he gets to know him and see how he responds to his father. Go slow! Check out your sons fathers motives. I had a friend who's X took her son on a vacation to Thailand and never came back it was my sons best friend that was 7 years ago so you never know! Blessings, Isha

[deleted account]

I would let him see his father... but not alone for five days.

I think it would be more stressful for your son to be without you for five days with someone he doesn't know very well.

Chevelle - posted on 04/20/2011

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No I would not let my child spend the night. First, he does not know his father, you not sure he father could be trusted with your son. The father should understand what is best for the child. I would agree to meet him in a public area. However, bring the finace along is a nonono....he has to get to know his son first, if he chose to. It needs to try to a gain a relationship with his son.

[deleted account]

Post a reply! Nope your not wrong, yes he should see his father but how selfish is the man who is absent for so long then suddenly wishes to remove him from all he knows for 5 days? Agree on your terms...supervised visits somewhere you are comfortable and feel safe. Your son needs to get to know his dad and be familiar with him before the fiance is brought into the picture never mind Dad having parental supervision for 5 days Hope this helps. good luck x

Marina - posted on 04/20/2011

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Absolutely not. You are NOT wrong. This is your baby boy and YOU have been the parent. You are truly the only one that has been a parent to him and his well being is in your hands. His father needs to earn back your trust that he has made some kind of drastic commitment to being a father to his son. I could go on and on, but no, you are not wrong. God bless and good luck

Bev - posted on 04/20/2011

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I don't know your son's age but I say 'no'...after two years he doesn't even know him...does "dad" have visitation from the court? I agree he should see him but in an environment where there is as little stress on the child as possible...I just noticed the age - absolutely not! your son does not even know who this man is - it would be like handing him to a complete stranger to him...if he has court ordered visitation you need to consult you attorney....did 'dad' say why he all of a sudden want him for 5 days? very concerning...

Rebecca - posted on 04/20/2011

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regardless of the reason your childs dad was out of the picture ( unless he is abusive) your child should spend time with his Dad but I agree with everyone, it has to start slowly with you in the picture...and in my opinion the fiancee should stay out of the picture at first, so your child can focus on getting to know and trust Dad, on Mommy's terms!!!

Julie - posted on 04/20/2011

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encourage the father to start with short visits so your son can get to know his father before they go on an extended visit.

Kylie - posted on 04/20/2011

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Post a reply!

HELL NO, you have every right to say NO, my kids (girl 13, boy 9) have not seen their father for 7yrs, havn't spoken to him in 5yrs, my youngest thinks that his father is dead (sadly not) but when I correct him and tell him that he's not he gets all excited and then asks me why his dad doesn't come and see him. I say for 5 days after not seeing him for so long, NO, do it gradually with you there, your son needs an easy transition and to get to know who his father is AGAIN. GOOD LUCK, hope it works out.

Nova - posted on 04/20/2011

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You are not wrong but you are apparently overwhelmed. The questions you need to consider are: Has Jakob thrived in his father's absence? Do you have feelings for Jakob's father? Are you both able to sit down to speak clearly, openly and calmly about your concerns and approaches to raising Jakob? Once you've answered these questions openly and honestly, you will be comfortable with your decision. Bless.

Andrea - posted on 04/20/2011

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Well you are the custodial parent at this time and he is in your possession. The law will say he has equal rights to him exspecially if he is named as father on your childs birth certificate, if he goes with his father and he decides to keep him and you have not gone to court and got a court order about who he will live with and to share custody and visitation. I would let him visit with him but under your terms and at a nutural place and have others with you when you go.

Penny - posted on 04/20/2011

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It is important for children to know their fathers. The father's need to be realistic. Perhaps 5 days the first time may be a bit much initially. Unfortunately my kids didn't like their dad's ego, the every other week travel was hard, and later his new wifes attempt to distance him from his kids. Sounds bad doesn't it, but a child needs to know his father and mother. It is half of who they are. Hopefully the father will take the opportunity to know his kids more than a reflection of themselves. Third parties need to support the the most loving interaction as possible not to enable anger. It makes for a better wholeness. It is a difficult request with so many feelings flying arround but you son will we a better man for it.

Nontando - posted on 04/20/2011

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I suggest you meet and show him the child but dont let him be with your son when you are not there. In any case your son is not familiar with him or his fiance.

Bethyny - posted on 04/20/2011

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He should see his father...right after you have aegal document outlining the rules, aka, parenting plan. Legally, whoever has the child is the custodial parent unless court papers exist. It is VERY common for absent fathers to decide to be a parent when they get into a serious relationship and more common for them to try to take custody after a marriage. Protect your child and yourself, the only one thinking about whats best for the child is you! If he hasnt been around, all he cares about is playing house and appearances. It happened to me and several women i know. A friend spent six months and thousands of dollars to get her four year old back from her FIRST visitation ever with her father.

Marcella - posted on 04/20/2011

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I think your son has the right to see his father, he may hold it against you later in life if he doesn't, however if his father comes and goes that also is not good for your boy, so make it clear, set up a routine where you can all meet for a coffee or an hour in the park to start with include the fiance too, maybe later when your son knows his father better he maybe able to have a sleepover, but not until then,as it would be too traumatic for him to go after just 1 or 2 meetings it would also give you a break your son then would know that you didn't keep him away from his father but encouraged it I feel it will save you a lot of grief later

Roszalita - posted on 04/19/2011

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You are not wrong to make this decision as its will be better..the father have not see him for over a year and all along you are the one been taking care of him..the bond with the father is not there..as kids are at his age are usually don't talk much they will just follow what mummy says.that will lead him to confusion and stress to him as he also don't have the bond with the father..kids are simple minded..if you just give him away for a day and he have to spend the night without you..he expect that you come and fetch him but end up NO..their mind will start to think that u don't want him futhermore its 5 days that he will be there..its way to long..
this can also develop a kind of trauma for them..my son facing the stress and trauma now,,,and under therapy..
so its better for the dad to start off with soft approach in a way of..just bring him out to shopping etc..then return him back to you on the same day..do it like that till the kid have the bond..then slowly start with 1 night stay only...have to really start in a soft way...cannot start of with immediate 5 days..its bad for the kids..we don't know what is in their mind.

Sharon - posted on 04/19/2011

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No you are not wrong, however he can have a supervised visit say taking your son to the park and meet the father there to interact say on the swings etc. Have a juice / icecream etc for about 1-2 hrs. Do this kind of thing for a while so that they can get to know each other and your son becomes more trusting and comfortable. But 5 days away is a no no for the boy. Hope this helps

Sharon - posted on 04/19/2011

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No you are not wrong, however he can have a supervised visit say taking your son to the park and meet the father there to interact say on the swings etc. Have a juice / icecream etc for about 1-2 hrs. Do this kind of thing for a while so that they can get to know each other and your son becomes more trusting and comfortable. But 5 days away is a no no for the boy. Hope this helps

Anna - posted on 04/19/2011

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not at all. There is no way I'd let him have him for even one night. He needs to get reaquanted and you need to be absolutely positive you trust him. I would get a custody agreement set up before you let him have him too, just in case.

Pamela - posted on 04/19/2011

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This one is easy. I divorced my oldest son's father when he was about 2.5 years of age. His father was finally wanting to be with him when he was about 6years old. Though we lived in different states, I allowed him to go and stay with his father for a year of school. After a few months I went to check on my son and was displeased with the way things were being handled, but I simply stayed in the same city for a six month period of time and eventually we moved back to the state I had chosen to live in.
Eventually my son chose to go live with his father at age 15, this after spending summers with him from age 10. I do feel strongly that children should bond with both parents, after all it takes 2 to create a child and each child somewhere deep inside really wants to have a connection with both parents. The only hesitation I would have in sharing a child with a divorced parent would be if that parent had a drug or other serious problem that seriously affected the quality of life that the parent could provide.
What are you afraid of? Face your fear, if it is not justified, deal with it the best way you can, but don't deny your child the right to be with his father.

Ravee - posted on 04/19/2011

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I'm going through exactly the same situation, except my baby's father choose not be around for the birth or while I was pregnant, and when he heard my daughter had started walking and all he wanted a piece of her. We now have argreements with both our lawyer so he has to earn his way to overnight .

Julie - posted on 04/19/2011

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As many - MOST - have said, absolutely no way should your baby's donor take him OVERNIGHT for 5 days for *****any***** reason. Not at age 2!! Calm down, Grandma (me)!!! Do you live in the US? If so, which state? More importantly, do you have any kind of child support/custody agreement in place? If not, you're better off. Of course, you won't get any child support, but in some cases that's preferable to handing over a baby to someone he doesn't know!! My suspicious nature leads me to think that you'd not see your baby again - or not without a HUGE, expensive fight. If the ex needs to get to know Jakob, and for Jakob's sake he DOES, he can start out the visitation under strict supervision. This is an issue that really gets my motor going!!! Please, don't let yourself be sweet-talked into letting the ex get his way!!!!!! You will be in my prayers, sweetie.

Andrea - posted on 04/19/2011

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No, your not wrong. However as a friend of mine has had this issue come up. Depending on the state you live in, even if he has court issued visits, he can not take the child over night unless agreed upon by both parents, or he/she is 3.. My friend had it put in the court papers that the father of her child is only allowed to see the child with supervison at the police station and at all times a cop has to be outside the door, this is due to the father taking the child across the country when she was a month old for a month, with out telling the mom, the day after she filed for divorce. But check with your state and find out for sure the age your son has to be before he is even allowed to stay the night....i do agree the father should spend some time with your son, but not only him but his new fiance, after all if they do get married, you do want to know how she is going to be treating your son.. i dont know how you would feel about being friends with her, but it might be a good idea..

Teresa - posted on 04/19/2011

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i dont think you're wrong either. i wouldn't let him take him for any length of time after being away for 2 years. if the father is ready to start being responsible and being a part of your son's life i think that you should let him, but like the other moms said, i agree with a shorter visitation at first where you can stay and work up to something more over time.

Sherry - posted on 04/19/2011

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No, do not let him take your son. Offer visitation somewhere like McDonalds where you can stay and watch but they can sit away from you for privacy.

Julie - posted on 04/19/2011

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No I don't feel your wrong at all. Then man hasn't seen him and then comes into his life and wants to take him for a week not. If he has court ordered dates it is hard to keep him away but he needs to get to know him again before a fiancee too. I fell he needs to get a life can't be bothered then shows up and wants to take him away with him not the way I think I would let it go as he is gonna end up having attachment dosorder in the end if not careful.

Ursula - posted on 04/19/2011

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I think that the best thing to do is to meet at a public place but not with the fiance. If he really wants to get to know him he should do anything to make him feel comfortable.My daughters dad is a deadbeaat and he try to see her after 3 years I told he can't until he can proof his responssible and can actually be there for her Not just for few days but for the rest of her life. I went to court and I stood my ground. My daughter at the time was 8 and she was scared.
If he wants to be in his life he should start slowly and when he makes that step is a commitment for life.

Roxanne - posted on 04/19/2011

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No!!! My husband has been in Child protection and mental health for almost 20 years and he says you made the right call. He does need to see his dad and his new spouse but in small amounts at first! At 2 he has little or no memories of Dad and will feel like you are abandoning him with strangers. Unless there is a saftey issue, start off with "playdates" with you there and move forward a bit at a time. When he is comfortable, let Dad have some time alone. Let Dad know that this has nothing to do with him in particular, just that a 2 year old often has issues with change and with people they really don't know. Good luck!

Lakeisha - posted on 04/19/2011

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Well my son's father is the exact same way. My son will be 2 this year and he hasn't seen him since January 2010. But I definitely would not let him keep my son for five days. I would allow him to see him, but I would probably be somewhere close by. I don't know if I would feel comfortable with him taking him overnight. Maybe a couple of hours, but definitely not overnight and absolutely not five days straight. He probably just wants to "play dad" for his fiancé.

Tamia - posted on 04/19/2011

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No maam you are definately not wrong, You need to think about your son. To your son, his father is a stranger. He has not seen him in over a year!!! Father or not that is a stranger to the baby. I would allow the father to meet with the child everyday for about an hour. Maybe at a park or something. He can play with the baby on the swings, slides, sand box etc, while you sit on a park bench not too far away. Once the baby is totally comfortable with his father, I would allow him to take him for about 2 hours at a time until the child seems to be ok with it. Then for maybe half a day. Once the child seems okay and comfortable with now not a stranger anymore but his father, then I would allow him to spend the night at first. One night at a time, especially if the child has never slept by any before.

Fatima - posted on 04/19/2011

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I wouldn't let him spend the night with him in a milliin year, unless there was a court order. He doesn't even deserve to see him, but you can't keep him away from him, not because he's the father and he should be in his child's life, but because you just have too. It's ridiculous, but what can you do. If it were up to me, my kids will take their father out of their lives for ever, but the stupid court!! He gets to leave them and decide not to support them, but he has the right to see them. Hate it!!

Kelly - posted on 04/19/2011

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becareful, if you have a court order you have to follow it or you could be charged with contempt. I know if he pays child support he does have a right to see his child, I do think that 5 days right off the bat is way to much, he is a stranger to your son and I think that would be way more stressful on your son, I would start off slow, maybe a few visits with you around first and then move it up slowly, I can't imagen any judge in his right mind approving of a 5 night stay right off the bat, If there is no court order you can do basicaly what ever you want assuming he don't pay support, but keep in mind at all times what is in the best intrest for your son, and if his father is half way decent I would hope for your sons sake that you would allow a relationship to develope if you don't you know it will come back and bite you int the butt. Hope that helped.

Melissa - posted on 04/19/2011

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I would suggest that he visit him first before wanting to take him..especially for 5 days.
If there was no court or dad decided not to get visitation rights when you guys broke up tuff for him!
I guess it depends also how old your son is..if he is not able to decide on his own then its up to you to make that decission..another option is to call dads mom if you trust her find out the details.
good luck!

Lucille - posted on 04/19/2011

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I cant add anything that hasnt been already said and I agree with the responds It should be slow and gradual

Rosi - posted on 04/19/2011

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Hell no!!! Y till now? My ex hasn't seen my girls for over two years and I don't want him around one is 15 and 10, after ten years he just sent me childsupport, and got his liences back, im waiting for the day he shows up to pick them up.,sorry but there not going anywhere ....good luck

[deleted account]

Post a reply! No,if his father really wanted to be with him he waould have made the effort to arrange it.

Mary - posted on 04/19/2011

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I'm on board with anyone who said that you shouldn't allow such an extended visit. Your son is too little and has no recollection of his father. What a terrifying experience that would be for him! If his father wants to build a relationship with his son it should be in short visits (no overnights for a while) so that your son recognizes him and learns to be comfortable with him. It is good that your ex want to be involved (provided of course that he is a good responsible person) but your son is practically a baby and the whole experience would be just too overwhelming for him. I hope your ex understands this and that you both can work amicably to help father and son develop a good foundational relationship on which to build. Good luck!

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