can my ex use txts bbms against me n court??

Tracy - posted on 08/22/2012 ( 38 moms have responded )

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my ex is taking me 2 court and says hes gonna use everything against me 2 win,,,ie txts bbms emails voice recordings,,,while awas trying 2make him be adad n stepp up asent some bad txts n said nasty things on the phone as did he but ideleted all mine!!! just didnt want his number
am scared now that hes gonna get my son because of this....can he really use them n court?

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Mischa - posted on 09/26/2012

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Well.....parents say nasty things together all the time. This is no surprise on a court. However, yes he can use them. How? That you are overly emotional and that it is in the best interests in the child to be with a more emotionally stable, calm, and less hostile parent. Please do not misunderstand me, I"M not saying that you are this way. But things in writing be presented in such a way where it makes you LOOK like it. What's happening here is that he is participating in this text war just as much as you. So, you cannot use texts that make you look like you participated in it as well. Now, you can revcover from the texts war by doing the following;

1. get an attorney ASAP. If you cannot afford one- legal aid or if the FOB makes good money- petition for attorney's fees. When it comes to custody...hell yes....lawyer up.

2. NO MORE texts! None. Keep it as short as possible, not hostile, not angry, only and only when discussing issues specifically relating to the child. Only that. Short sentences. Do not try to 'work things out'- that's what a mediator is for. No more. none.

3. Never ever ever lose your cool in front of a judge. The only time you ever speak is to concisely answer a question. You never talk over a judge or interupt a judge. Stay as calm as possible. put on your poker face. This is critical you understand this part...many parents make that mistake and the judge sees the emotional upset parent as warrant for awarding custody to the one that is calm. Custody hearings are actually public- go on a lunch break and go to one...you'll see.

4. Never ever accuse your FOB without proof. If he is a deadbeat...then show proof of it. If is drinks too much alcohol- then be willing to provide witnesses. Think....the boy who cried wolf.



What you write is important and can be used against you. In such a way that it holds you to a negative light. Texts alone does not take your kid away- but also your behavior and how you react. I cannot stress this enough. If I were you....I would not send more texts unless you can censor what you say and very very short and sweet. Because sending angry texts does nothing for you and solves nothing. It never gets you what you want. Now double check your texts for;



1. threats of violence- physically or property- towards yourself, FOB, FOB's spouse or GF, or your child.

2. Threats of telling your child derogatory names or accusations about the FOB

3. Threats of refusing a court-order visit

4. revealing of any abuse or neglect of your child.



These four will affect custody!!! If they are NOT in your texts to him- ever, then don't worry about it. I'm assuming you two are throwing insults at each other. Who cares....a judge does not either. But if you have ANY of that 4- you're in trouble. If this is the case- you MUST speak to an attorney on this and find out definitively. I hope this advice helps! Good luck!

Sally-anne - posted on 08/24/2012

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I work in a sector where families are struggling, often relationships have broken down and on occasions we are in a position where contact centers, solicitors, social services and court advocates become involved and the whole thing becomes confusing and very negative. Every family is different, the court process is governed by the law but every judge will have their own perspective and way of dealing with that process.



Your ex-partner will know exactly how to push you, how to upset you and make you afraid.



Through all the court processes i have been through with families that have gone through a similar experience to what you are going through right now, the main focus of the court is the well being of the children. The judge will be looking at how you parent your child, does the child attend school regularly, do you put your child in harmful situations, like having inappropriate carers for him or her when you need it. Do you give your child a balanced life including taking care of their emotional, physical and mental needs.



Having said all of these things to you, the most important advise you need to know is you should not accept anything any one tells you on here, if your partner is telling you he is going to take you to court then the only advice you need to listen to is to find a good family solicitor.



Dont let any fear control you, a good solicitor will help you to prepare for any court proceedings they will also help you to feel confident and make positive choices. Please remember that if you entered into your relationship with your ex from choice she was created out of love, if you can remember that, it may help you to remain calm and fair. This would be a good way for your child to go through this process in a positive way.



Hope it works out well for you

Keri - posted on 08/29/2012

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If you have a stable job, and home and your son has been regularly attending child care or school and there are no concerns from your son's school or child care provider they won't pay too much attention to things that have been said. They look at who has been present in the child's life and if he has been well cared for. They also look at how often the other parent has been in the child's life. If he has been absent most of the time the judge will not look favorably on your ex. Good luck.

Dani - posted on 08/24/2012

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everything you write here can be used also , for instance got drunk , you need to be much more careful , and closed mouthed !!

Kimberly - posted on 08/23/2012

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Yes. They can be used against you. Many judges will only accept the text messages if they are provided by the phone company only. This is because there are many "spoof" programs where your ex could make it seem like nasty text messages came from you when they did not. So you could argue the point of spoof messages, but I would hesitate because you will look like a liar to the judge when he gets them from the provider. My best advice to you is to have your attorney issue a subpoena to the cell phone provider for ALL texts between your two numbers. The provider will tell you they can't provide them, but when they are subpoenaed, these texts magically pop up. This would bring all the texts back and forth into the judge's view. You will need to begin to be more courteous and avoid this in the future or the judge could send you to anger management class for the good of your child. At this point, I would either attend a divorce class or anger management class to show the judge you are trying to mend your ways. At the very least, turn over a new leaf, but be firm on your needs also.

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Daniel - posted on 06/28/2014

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I sure hope he can. you probably sent him threats using his son as a tool against him. probably you think that since you are a woman you can dangle the child over his head until you get what you want. I hope he did use them on you in court.

Kayla - posted on 08/25/2012

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Talk to your cell phone provider...if it's a cell phone...and see what they can do as far as getting the messages back or something...?

Tina - posted on 08/24/2012

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It all depends on your judge. Some will/will not take those things into account. But in some ways if you'd kept the message and acted like that it would be childish. Any understanding judge will realise sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment. Just get some really good legal advice. Keep a diary. Make sure you're child is looked after going to school all the time etc. Don't give him anything that he can use against you. Just be extra careful what you say in future. I know it's hard sometimes. But it's better to keep you're cool.

Bekah - posted on 08/23/2012

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Yes, unfortunately depending on the judge they CAN be used in court. I would know, I used txts my ex sent me in court.

Anything you say ONLINE can also be used so be super careful what you say here, on Facebook, etc!! He could be on this board and print off everything you just said here.

My lawyer actually made me sign an agreement stating that I wouldn't post anything about my divorce, kids, ex, etc until after the divorce and whatnot were final. I printed off Facebook posts and texts that my ex had sent me and others to use in court and the judge and friend of court referee used it all. I live in Michigan but it depends a lot on the judge you get and what you wrote in your texts.

Service providers do not keep txts and voicemails ... There isn't some database of these things floating around at say AT&T once you delete them from the system the system purges them - what the service provider generally keeps is documentation that a txt or call was indeed made at that time but there is not a way to find out what was said due to privacy laws and whatnot.

Tracy - posted on 08/23/2012

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are u kidding!! this man came 2my home 2see his son..flirted played alsorts of games then tryed 2choke me,,all this 2try n get me 2stop the csa n n isay acouple of things n he just gets away with it!! lol

Tracy - posted on 08/23/2012

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are u kidding!! this man came 2my home 2see his son..flirted played alsorts of games then tryed 2choke me,,all this 2try n get me 2stop the csa n n isay acouple of things n he just gets away with it!! lol

Heather - posted on 08/23/2012

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You can have your lawyer contact your cell phone company and ask for a copy of ALL of the texts sent from you to him, and the texts that he also sent to you. The judge can also order this! So no worries. The voice mails that he left on your phone, even if you erased them, should be in a data base somewhere with your cell phone company. That also includes any emails. Next time, don't delete what he sends to you.



BUT, I can tell you, that just because you sent nasty text messages or left him nasty voice mails, which you should stop doing, by the way, doesn't mean that he is going to get custody. BUT, it could mean that he gets joint custody or more visitation. BUT, if he hasn't been paying child support or spending time with his son like he should be doing.



No matter what you say to him, it is evident that it's not going to make him step up and be a dad. Now it just means that he's going to drag you through the ringer and make you spend money on a lawyer and court fees which all could have been avoided if you wouldn't have sent him nasty messages in the first place.



Just be Extra Careful what you say and do in court. Be careful about the way you look, dress, etc. Be careful with everything you say, or you could lose.



It doesn't matter if all of his money is in his girlfriend's name or not, and checks he gets from work or whatever, money has to be taken out for child support first.

Danielle - posted on 08/23/2012

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If texts are only allowed if they come from the phone company, then maybe you can get the texts back that he sent you. Therefore you could use yours too. Or call his bluff and tell him you have his texts too and you are going to use them against him.

Angie - posted on 08/23/2012

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Texts are rarely used in court as there are programs online that you can put in a number and send a text and it looks like it came from that number. Ex. your ex could go online, put in your number as the sender number and his number as a receiver number and write whatever he wants without you ever knowing. I know this because I had spoke to police about it when going through a similar situation with my ex over my daughter. So judges don't really look at it.



If you're really worried, I would talk to a lawyer and see what he or she says. Hope this helps.

Tracy - posted on 08/23/2012

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thanks everyone!!....all my txts have been about my son,,,being late,,giving no money n treating us like shit ajust got abit nasty when he was doing all this 2 us,,,acan only remember 2 thats was terrible but it was my son n i birthdays we are just aday apart n agot alittle drunk n told him how ifelt

Jen - posted on 08/23/2012

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I'm going through same thing at moment as my daughter dad has txts but it can only be put forward to the court and most time they don't waste there time looking at it

Taffany - posted on 08/23/2012

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Yes if it comes from the cell phone company he can. My lawyer told me do not text to my sons father and be nice all the time that way he can not use anything against me in court and depending on what your messages said and what his said is what the judge will take into consideration..

Taffany - posted on 08/23/2012

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depending on your cell phone carrier you can go in and ask for print outs of your text messages they will charge for it but you can get them.

Lacye - posted on 08/23/2012

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Yes they can be used against you in a court of law, depending on how bad they are. I know this for a fact because my husband's ex has sent me some pretty nasty texts in the past few months and our lawyer is going to use them to help our case.



But you might as well prepare yourself for the fact that he is going to get visitation. Maybe not custody, I don't know, but he will get to see his daughter.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2012

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That would depend what the texts said. I am pretty sure if there were texts saying "no way am I letting you visit your kid, you f&%$ asshole" the judge would be interested in that, because it would indicate that he has attempted to contact about visitation of his child and she refused, which would count against her. So yeah, without knowing what the texts say, yes they could be used against you.

Tracie - posted on 08/22/2012

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Well..don't want to be a downer, but whether or not the judge will take those things into consideration depends on just how bad they were. There was a recent case of a mother physically and verbally abusing her baby daughter and filming it on her phone then sending the footage to the baby's father because she was trying to get his attention. I believe the baby was promptly removed from her care. If you threatened someone with violence or threatened to commit a crime, then using the defence that "I was angry" probably isn't going to cut it.

Kenyatta - posted on 08/22/2012

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Regardless of what you said thru texts those things r really irrelevant. I had the same problem and the judge Juz wants to no the basics..why hasnt he been there.. What is his job or living situation. They never have time to get into the details so I wouldn't worry. But they will give him visitation no matter what so Juz b prepared for that

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2012

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What is in the papers you were served with? Or has he not served you with papers yet?

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2012

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I doubt you can get them back. And even if you could, you can't stop him using them if they help his case.



What is he taking you to court for? Visitation? Full custody?

Firebird - posted on 08/22/2012

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I don't know if you can get back texts that you deleted from your phone, but I doubt it. You'll have to take that up with your service provider.

Tracy - posted on 08/22/2012

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everything isaid was about my son n ajust lost it acouple of times.....he told me he was putting all his money n his gfs name n awould get 5pond awk...never be so scared!! can i get deleted txts back??

Firebird - posted on 08/22/2012

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Yes he can. If you said anything that can be used against you, he can bring it up in court. It is advisable to always be polite when dealing with people you have problems with.

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